It's a boy! Yay?
May 22, 2018 1:45 AM Subscribe
What are the positive sides of having a son? We do not know the gender of our anticipated child, but I already know I have a preference for a girl and I feel bad that I do. I want to head this off at the pass right now to avoid any potential disappointment. It should go without saying that my number one preference is for a healthy baby and I'm very excited and grateful that this is happening for us at all. I already know I'm gonna love this kid more than I can hold in my body at once. I would just like a kind and helpful word or two in getting over an ingrained gender preference that's sprung up from who knows where.
I don't want to go into details about why I would want a girl as they are personal, varied, a lot of it isn't even that logical and I'm not necessarily looking for reasons to be less excited about a girl.
But I need help with getting more excited over the possibility of a boy. Maybe it's because of the Current Cultural Climate. Maybe it's because of some of my own sexism. Maybe it's just unfamiliarity (I'm a woman and an only child so I don't really know much about boys). It's probably a mix of these things.
I've already made the mistake of trying to talk to people about this and they get horrified that I'd have a preference at all, not understanding that this is like way down on my list of priorities. So they just dismiss me and I feel shallow and hurt but it doesn't help me become any more enlightened.
This list was ok but I couldn't relate to a some of those things. I love the fantasy of being able to braid a little girl's hair and I love the idea of dressing a baby girl in fun clothes. However, it's good to know that boy clothes are way simpler and cheaper. There was also a more nuanced essay on The Cut, which was helpful in an introspective way, but not helpful in getting me excited about a boy. It just made me feel bad that I'm not as woke as I thought I was.
Did you go through something similar? Personal stories, tips or lists (logical, emotional, funny) like the above welcome.
I don't want to go into details about why I would want a girl as they are personal, varied, a lot of it isn't even that logical and I'm not necessarily looking for reasons to be less excited about a girl.
But I need help with getting more excited over the possibility of a boy. Maybe it's because of the Current Cultural Climate. Maybe it's because of some of my own sexism. Maybe it's just unfamiliarity (I'm a woman and an only child so I don't really know much about boys). It's probably a mix of these things.
I've already made the mistake of trying to talk to people about this and they get horrified that I'd have a preference at all, not understanding that this is like way down on my list of priorities. So they just dismiss me and I feel shallow and hurt but it doesn't help me become any more enlightened.
This list was ok but I couldn't relate to a some of those things. I love the fantasy of being able to braid a little girl's hair and I love the idea of dressing a baby girl in fun clothes. However, it's good to know that boy clothes are way simpler and cheaper. There was also a more nuanced essay on The Cut, which was helpful in an introspective way, but not helpful in getting me excited about a boy. It just made me feel bad that I'm not as woke as I thought I was.
Did you go through something similar? Personal stories, tips or lists (logical, emotional, funny) like the above welcome.
I'm going to out myself as well, I totally wanted a girl! We found out at the 20 week scan on purpose so that we could manage our expectations :) so don't feel bad about it, I think it's more unusual NOT to have a preference from the few people I've spoken to about it.
Anyway I did the same thing as you before the scan, made a mental list of all the reasons why I'd be glad if it was a boy. The two biggest ones for me were a slightly sad one and a happier one. The sad one is that I would know that he would already have a huge advantage in life, and that I would have to worry less through his teens about him being subjected to the torrents of shit that women customarily have to deal with. The happier one, is that I would relish the opportunity to try and raise a kind, feminist man, as the world has too few of them.
posted by greenish at 2:05 AM on May 22, 2018 [29 favorites]
Anyway I did the same thing as you before the scan, made a mental list of all the reasons why I'd be glad if it was a boy. The two biggest ones for me were a slightly sad one and a happier one. The sad one is that I would know that he would already have a huge advantage in life, and that I would have to worry less through his teens about him being subjected to the torrents of shit that women customarily have to deal with. The happier one, is that I would relish the opportunity to try and raise a kind, feminist man, as the world has too few of them.
posted by greenish at 2:05 AM on May 22, 2018 [29 favorites]
A friend told me this and it helped me: remember that you're going to start out with a baby, not an elementary-school aged boy, or a teenage boy, or a full-grown adult man. So for the first year, you're mostly going to be busy with basic baby things: feeding him and changing him and comforting him and cuddling him. And kids have really individual personalities pretty early on: I know super-cuddly, quiet little boys, and wild and fearless little girls. Raising a kid from birth gives you a (slightly-heartbreaking) window into how kids of both sexes are born with all sorts of different temperaments and abilities, and how society tries to push them into one of two boxes. But that means that you don't know what sort of boy you'll have until you actually meet him. This is a good thing!
posted by colfax at 2:22 AM on May 22, 2018 [31 favorites]
posted by colfax at 2:22 AM on May 22, 2018 [31 favorites]
I am the mother of three sons, now 19, 16, and 12. I think it is pretty common for women to feel a little let down when they find out they are having a son, maybe something about carrying "the other" inside them.
I hesitate to point out too many specifics that are great about having boys versus girls because I don't really like emphasizing gender stereotypes. My boys were and are all extremely active, but so was I as child and everything that made people say, "Well he's All Boy!" were things that were totally like me as a little girl!
I used to say there seemed to be less emotional drama compared to what I observed in the daughters of friends but by the time my oldest son was 16 he was having as much emotional and social drama as any girl. Now that my middle son is 16, he is more vain about his looks and his hair than I was at the same age.
All I can say is that you are right, you will love this kid like crazy! (You won't always like him. Everybody has to pretend to like their children some of the time :) ). You will love him for being the precise unique person he is, someone who will probably fulfill some gender expectations and bust others. All parents have to love the actual real human child who comes to them who will be unlike their fantasy imagined child in a million ways. Get excited that you are going to meet someone the like of whom the world has never seen before and will never see again and you will hold the one special place in his life of his mother that no one else can ever be to him.
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 2:25 AM on May 22, 2018 [8 favorites]
I hesitate to point out too many specifics that are great about having boys versus girls because I don't really like emphasizing gender stereotypes. My boys were and are all extremely active, but so was I as child and everything that made people say, "Well he's All Boy!" were things that were totally like me as a little girl!
I used to say there seemed to be less emotional drama compared to what I observed in the daughters of friends but by the time my oldest son was 16 he was having as much emotional and social drama as any girl. Now that my middle son is 16, he is more vain about his looks and his hair than I was at the same age.
All I can say is that you are right, you will love this kid like crazy! (You won't always like him. Everybody has to pretend to like their children some of the time :) ). You will love him for being the precise unique person he is, someone who will probably fulfill some gender expectations and bust others. All parents have to love the actual real human child who comes to them who will be unlike their fantasy imagined child in a million ways. Get excited that you are going to meet someone the like of whom the world has never seen before and will never see again and you will hold the one special place in his life of his mother that no one else can ever be to him.
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 2:25 AM on May 22, 2018 [8 favorites]
It's not so much "what's great about boys" but "what's great about your kid". We imagine kids to be perfect chimeras of us and our partner, but in reality they are all complete individuals. There are many many things about my son where I'm like, alien DNA is the only explanation. So if there are things you imagine doing with a daughter that you think a son wouldn't be interested in our enjoy or understand, you can rest assured that sex at birth has zero bearing on whether or not your child will be interested in or enjoy or understand that thing. Girl children are just as likely to not give a fig about your own treasured girlhood pastime that you hoped to pass down as boys.
Colfax's friend also had the wise. Before I got pregnant, I'd spent several years doing work that had me in regular contact with middle schoolers. When we had the scan where we were told the sex, I immediately had to start reminding myself that he wasn't going to come out as a 11 year old boy wiping boogers on the girl he likes.
posted by soren_lorensen at 3:38 AM on May 22, 2018 [7 favorites]
Colfax's friend also had the wise. Before I got pregnant, I'd spent several years doing work that had me in regular contact with middle schoolers. When we had the scan where we were told the sex, I immediately had to start reminding myself that he wasn't going to come out as a 11 year old boy wiping boogers on the girl he likes.
posted by soren_lorensen at 3:38 AM on May 22, 2018 [7 favorites]
I was hoping for a girl at first, but I don't think that's problematic. I wasn't disappointed when I found out about my two boys. Buying a lottery ticket doesn't mean I'm dissatisfied with my life. It's a preferred indifferent.
You don't need to be excited about _a_ boy. Biological sex is just part of learning about _your_ child. For me, the abstract was very different from getting to know the actual tiny human.
posted by bfranklin at 4:06 AM on May 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
You don't need to be excited about _a_ boy. Biological sex is just part of learning about _your_ child. For me, the abstract was very different from getting to know the actual tiny human.
posted by bfranklin at 4:06 AM on May 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
I lost a daughter and have two sons. My oldest is12 and I was thinking over the weekend that growing up as one of two girls in a female-dominated household, teenage boys were so foreign. And yet with my sons, I know every freckle, every line of their bodies...so much about their histories and their personalities. Of course as they get older there’s also more and more I don’t know but...they are so familiar. Teenage boys aren’t a category of alien beings any more.
So your son will bring you the world anew, as kids do. No worries.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:09 AM on May 22, 2018 [11 favorites]
So your son will bring you the world anew, as kids do. No worries.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:09 AM on May 22, 2018 [11 favorites]
Your thoughts and feelings about your child will shift again and again with time, and whatever they may be at the time are OK. Your son will surprise you in many ways.
You can also think of it as a great opportunity to raise a boy to inoculate him against the worst of toxic masculinity.
Best of luck with the birth.... and the ensuing journey!
posted by Sheydem-tants at 4:37 AM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
You can also think of it as a great opportunity to raise a boy to inoculate him against the worst of toxic masculinity.
Best of luck with the birth.... and the ensuing journey!
posted by Sheydem-tants at 4:37 AM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
As a mother of a daughter (now 5 years old) keep in mind that the fantasy of a daughter is just that: a fantasy. My daughter has insisted upon a bob haircut since she was three (no tangles, but also no braiding) and won't even let me consider picking out her clothing. She also is really into Taekwondo, big sloppy dogs, and glitter. Which are the exact same things her best friend, a boy, is also into.
Which is to say, your kid will be your KID, with all their quirks and weirdnesses. I'm finding that gender, while noticed, is WAY less important or defining as when I was a kid (at least in the urban, liberal area we live). Boys have long braid-able hair and glittery shoes, girls kill it in martial arts and earn pocket money doing lawn chores for neighbors.
Your kid will be who they are and there is very little you can do to control it. So boy or girl, you're in for a ride and it's best to just start going with it now. :)
posted by danielle the bee at 4:48 AM on May 22, 2018 [7 favorites]
Which is to say, your kid will be your KID, with all their quirks and weirdnesses. I'm finding that gender, while noticed, is WAY less important or defining as when I was a kid (at least in the urban, liberal area we live). Boys have long braid-able hair and glittery shoes, girls kill it in martial arts and earn pocket money doing lawn chores for neighbors.
Your kid will be who they are and there is very little you can do to control it. So boy or girl, you're in for a ride and it's best to just start going with it now. :)
posted by danielle the bee at 4:48 AM on May 22, 2018 [7 favorites]
I always wanted a girl, but had 4 boys. Once they were born, it did not matter. My mom said I had wanted a sister, not a brother, when my only sibling was born when I was three, I told my mom to take him back because he would not wear pretty clothes. I do have two nieces who are great, but not "girly girls" like I was. That's okay, they are amazing women. You will love your baby whatever he or she is, and boys can be lots of fun. My two year old grandson is great, any little person exploring the world their own way is a joy to watch.
One thing I must say, it always annoyed me when mothers of daughters used to say I was so lucky I had only boys because "girls are so much trouble." What?? Keep in mind I am older, hoping this is not a thing any more. Enjoy your new little one!
posted by mermayd at 5:10 AM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
One thing I must say, it always annoyed me when mothers of daughters used to say I was so lucky I had only boys because "girls are so much trouble." What?? Keep in mind I am older, hoping this is not a thing any more. Enjoy your new little one!
posted by mermayd at 5:10 AM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
If it is at least partially due to the Current Cultural Climate as you mention, would it help you to think about a boy child as an opportunity to raise a better, more thoughtful, more respectful man? I don't have kids yet myself but this is one thing that helps me feel more excited about the idea of a future son.
posted by lwb at 5:23 AM on May 22, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by lwb at 5:23 AM on May 22, 2018 [9 favorites]
Yep I remember reading something in the past couple of years about how it can be ‘subversive’ to raise a feminist son. See this article.
posted by atlantica at 5:30 AM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by atlantica at 5:30 AM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I’m really glad I had a son, partly because it helped me understand all the crap that boys have to deal with. Sexism doesn’t only hurt women. And now I have a lovely daughter-in-law who has thanked me many times for raising a good man.
posted by FencingGal at 5:31 AM on May 22, 2018 [12 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 5:31 AM on May 22, 2018 [12 favorites]
FencingGal's experience sounds similar to mine, I have three sons and I think they've turned out to be good feminists. They're all in their forties, have wonderful longtime women partners, and they're great dads. Yes I missed having a daughter but I couldn't be more happy with my three daughters-in-law and my two- soon to be three- granddaughters.
A baby is a baby is a baby.
My sister was adamant that her first child would be a girl, and she was, but from day one she was never the daughter my sister imagined having. My niece is in her thirties now and she and my sister are finally getting along, but it was a long hard struggle.
posted by mareli at 5:41 AM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
A baby is a baby is a baby.
My sister was adamant that her first child would be a girl, and she was, but from day one she was never the daughter my sister imagined having. My niece is in her thirties now and she and my sister are finally getting along, but it was a long hard struggle.
posted by mareli at 5:41 AM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
The beauty of having a child in 2018 is - you're free to raise any child however you please.
Dress boys in fun pink clothes (heck, all boys over a century ago were dressed in pink.) Grow their hair out long enough to braid - in the 1980's, my parents let me keep my hair longer and my sisters use to put 1-2 tight braids into it regularly - it was fine even then. Boys can do dance classes, drink invisible tea, enjoy crafts, and rumble in the dirt all at the same time - I did with my two sisters!
The sex of your baby is not a experiential prison unless you're the one locking the doors. You are the one who can gatekeep the expectations of everyone else for what your child "should" be wearing and doing and be brave enough to provide them the whole range of experiences. That to me is parenting in a nutshell - have the courage to let them be who they are.
posted by notorious medium at 5:57 AM on May 22, 2018 [13 favorites]
Dress boys in fun pink clothes (heck, all boys over a century ago were dressed in pink.) Grow their hair out long enough to braid - in the 1980's, my parents let me keep my hair longer and my sisters use to put 1-2 tight braids into it regularly - it was fine even then. Boys can do dance classes, drink invisible tea, enjoy crafts, and rumble in the dirt all at the same time - I did with my two sisters!
The sex of your baby is not a experiential prison unless you're the one locking the doors. You are the one who can gatekeep the expectations of everyone else for what your child "should" be wearing and doing and be brave enough to provide them the whole range of experiences. That to me is parenting in a nutshell - have the courage to let them be who they are.
posted by notorious medium at 5:57 AM on May 22, 2018 [13 favorites]
Another vote to say that you're not alone in having (perhaps unexpected) preferences, but that raising your actual kid will be totally different from "Raising a Boy" as an abstract concept.
And to nth greenish, having "the opportunity to try and raise a kind, feminist man" is a gift for which I am deeply grateful every. single. day.
posted by somanyamys at 6:21 AM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
And to nth greenish, having "the opportunity to try and raise a kind, feminist man" is a gift for which I am deeply grateful every. single. day.
posted by somanyamys at 6:21 AM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I favorited a few above but will say that greenish's comment particularly aligned with how I have come to feel. Before my 20-week ultrasound, I was convinced that I was having a girl. Maybe because I'm female, and am so close to my sisters? So the feeling when the tech said we were having a boy...was tinged with disappointment. My son is 17 months old now and from the day he was born, it hasn't mattered in the least to me that he is a boy and not a girl. But what I really wanted to emphasize here is: like so many uncomfortable things in pregnancy, this is normal, and you will come out just fine, whatever happens.
Congratulations!
posted by CiaoMela at 6:24 AM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Congratulations!
posted by CiaoMela at 6:24 AM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
To build on what previous comments are hinting at: gender is a social construct, not a biological fact. At some level it's not real. That allows us to choose what we want to make of gender. It also means that parenting is a great opportunity to be confronted with your gender stereotypes and realize what bullshit they are.
I have a son who has long hair, wears dresses, loves to wear my lip gloss, and is a princess when he plays. Sometimes. Other times he is Batman and saves the world by helping empty the dishwasher - because we taught him that being a superhero isn't about shooting bad guys, it's about helping. Because boys get so much pressure to be tough, we emphasize emotional awareness and development. As a result my son did things like at age 4 told me he's scared when I get angry because he doesn't know if I'll love him any more. We joke that he is more emotionally intelligent than many adult men that we know.
Babies don't have gender. Kids learn and develop their idea of gender as they grow up. You get to help with that. It's one of the most beautiful things that you get to do.
posted by medusa at 6:24 AM on May 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
I have a son who has long hair, wears dresses, loves to wear my lip gloss, and is a princess when he plays. Sometimes. Other times he is Batman and saves the world by helping empty the dishwasher - because we taught him that being a superhero isn't about shooting bad guys, it's about helping. Because boys get so much pressure to be tough, we emphasize emotional awareness and development. As a result my son did things like at age 4 told me he's scared when I get angry because he doesn't know if I'll love him any more. We joke that he is more emotionally intelligent than many adult men that we know.
Babies don't have gender. Kids learn and develop their idea of gender as they grow up. You get to help with that. It's one of the most beautiful things that you get to do.
posted by medusa at 6:24 AM on May 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
Well, there's a non-zero chance that your son may turn out to be a daughter at age 5 or 10 or 16......so.....I wouldn't glom on to the idea of biological sex determining gender.....
I have a son and a daughter, and I honestly had zero preferences. It was kinda exciting to have a daughter after our son because diaper changes were an entirely different parenting experience. But that's honestly about it so far, though we have a lot of discussions about bodily autonomy and how women and girls have been subjected to things boys and men have not been, and how that's actually harmful to both men and to women, etc. But those would be discussions we'd be having with our children regardless of biological sex.
So conclusion? Raise a good PERSON.
posted by zizzle at 6:32 AM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
I have a son and a daughter, and I honestly had zero preferences. It was kinda exciting to have a daughter after our son because diaper changes were an entirely different parenting experience. But that's honestly about it so far, though we have a lot of discussions about bodily autonomy and how women and girls have been subjected to things boys and men have not been, and how that's actually harmful to both men and to women, etc. But those would be discussions we'd be having with our children regardless of biological sex.
So conclusion? Raise a good PERSON.
posted by zizzle at 6:32 AM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
I had a vague preference for a girl when I was expecting my first child. I have one sister and no brothers, and I'm a woman, and I felt like I didn't really "get" little boys. I felt like I had more to offer a girl, since I've handled the challenges that come with that territory myself.
I got a boy.
He's 4 years old now. He loves fashion, and his preferences include superhero stuff, anything with Lightning McQueen on it (he's never seen the movie, but is somehow in love anyway), twirly dresses, anything with neon colors, and floral patterns. He is growing his hair out and I brush it and help him with the rainbow flower hair clips he loves. He is obsessed with vehicles, and I have found that although I have basically zero interest in trains or sports cars, I am rather fond of collecting Hotwheels, large construction machinery is really cool, and steam train hobbyist are an interesting group. He loves the TV show Dinosaur Train (vehicles + dinosaurs) and we've both learned a lot about dinosaurs. Sometimes when he's with his friends, they turn everything into a gun (despite all coming from households with no guns, almost no media exposure at all, etc.), make poop jokes and play fight. Other times, they talk about how they will bring world peace and become astronauts.
At home we love to bake together. We have tea parties and talk about how to be peaceful and calm (his suggestion). We play in the mud. We are building a play house and tending a garden. We read all kinds of books, not just the "boy" books. We draw together.
In some ways, my boy has developed a startlingly stereotypical resume of "little boy" interests and qualities - the obsession with vehicles and weapons (despite ZERO parental interest), gravitation towards dinosaurs, superheroes and "bad guys"... He never liked doll play (though we gave him one anyway)... Go figure. But it would really be a mistake to think that that's all of him, and sometimes I wonder whether, if he had been born to a family that expected only a narrow range of behaviors and interests from little boys, whether they would have even discovered his love of fancy dresses, hair clips, baking pies, having a tidy room, and so much more.
Don't limit your son with your expectations of what little boys are like, and you may find there is nothing you are missing.
(Just from a strictly statistical perspective, the one thing that terrifies me about raising a girl is eating disorders. So much less common in boys. I'm thankful for that.)
posted by Cygnet at 6:46 AM on May 22, 2018 [6 favorites]
I got a boy.
He's 4 years old now. He loves fashion, and his preferences include superhero stuff, anything with Lightning McQueen on it (he's never seen the movie, but is somehow in love anyway), twirly dresses, anything with neon colors, and floral patterns. He is growing his hair out and I brush it and help him with the rainbow flower hair clips he loves. He is obsessed with vehicles, and I have found that although I have basically zero interest in trains or sports cars, I am rather fond of collecting Hotwheels, large construction machinery is really cool, and steam train hobbyist are an interesting group. He loves the TV show Dinosaur Train (vehicles + dinosaurs) and we've both learned a lot about dinosaurs. Sometimes when he's with his friends, they turn everything into a gun (despite all coming from households with no guns, almost no media exposure at all, etc.), make poop jokes and play fight. Other times, they talk about how they will bring world peace and become astronauts.
At home we love to bake together. We have tea parties and talk about how to be peaceful and calm (his suggestion). We play in the mud. We are building a play house and tending a garden. We read all kinds of books, not just the "boy" books. We draw together.
In some ways, my boy has developed a startlingly stereotypical resume of "little boy" interests and qualities - the obsession with vehicles and weapons (despite ZERO parental interest), gravitation towards dinosaurs, superheroes and "bad guys"... He never liked doll play (though we gave him one anyway)... Go figure. But it would really be a mistake to think that that's all of him, and sometimes I wonder whether, if he had been born to a family that expected only a narrow range of behaviors and interests from little boys, whether they would have even discovered his love of fancy dresses, hair clips, baking pies, having a tidy room, and so much more.
Don't limit your son with your expectations of what little boys are like, and you may find there is nothing you are missing.
(Just from a strictly statistical perspective, the one thing that terrifies me about raising a girl is eating disorders. So much less common in boys. I'm thankful for that.)
posted by Cygnet at 6:46 AM on May 22, 2018 [6 favorites]
My son is watching cartoons in the next room right now, wearing his nightgown. He loves glitter and is a total 'boy'. I love him to bits. I wanted a girl.
For me, the best thing about having a boy is that it is harder for me to assume I know who he is and what he wants. It is harder for me to unconsciously project my thoughts onto his personality. Ultimately, I have a kid who is like me in many ways, but separate from me. And him being a boy helps remind me to celebrate him as an individual. It has been very freeing.
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 6:48 AM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
For me, the best thing about having a boy is that it is harder for me to assume I know who he is and what he wants. It is harder for me to unconsciously project my thoughts onto his personality. Ultimately, I have a kid who is like me in many ways, but separate from me. And him being a boy helps remind me to celebrate him as an individual. It has been very freeing.
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 6:48 AM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
My wife and I had similar feelings to you when we found out we were having a boy. We knew that we "shouldn't" care, but we did and were disappointed about having a boy. Then that made us feel crappy because we knew the feeling we "should" be having was happiness that our child was healthy.
I just want to echo what colfax said above: for the first year or two of their lives, there are literally no differences that are apparent in the day to day other than at bath time and diaper changes. Our son is our son and not our son. At 6, he is the most wonderful, sweet, kind, thoughtful boy. He loves animals and is not particularly sporty and one of the most important things we've taught him is that he should be kind. None of the things I've said about him would have been different if he were a girl. I'm sure the differences will come at some point, but when they do, we know who he is and he is not defined by those gender differences.
The entertaining postscript to this is that, when we were having our second child, we really wanted a second boy because our son was so wonderful. So, of course, we had a girl, who is equally wonderful, but not because she's a girl.
posted by Betelgeuse at 6:49 AM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
I just want to echo what colfax said above: for the first year or two of their lives, there are literally no differences that are apparent in the day to day other than at bath time and diaper changes. Our son is our son and not our son. At 6, he is the most wonderful, sweet, kind, thoughtful boy. He loves animals and is not particularly sporty and one of the most important things we've taught him is that he should be kind. None of the things I've said about him would have been different if he were a girl. I'm sure the differences will come at some point, but when they do, we know who he is and he is not defined by those gender differences.
The entertaining postscript to this is that, when we were having our second child, we really wanted a second boy because our son was so wonderful. So, of course, we had a girl, who is equally wonderful, but not because she's a girl.
posted by Betelgeuse at 6:49 AM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Congratulations! You are going to love this baby more than any love you have ever felt before, no matter the gender. Remember, there is no predicting who this unique, wonderful child is going to be based on gender. My daughter is a tough tomboy who won't wear pink. My son is super relating and gives me hugs every day.
If you have a boy, he will be just as close to you, and just as special to you as if you have a girl.
posted by first edition at 6:53 AM on May 22, 2018
If you have a boy, he will be just as close to you, and just as special to you as if you have a girl.
posted by first edition at 6:53 AM on May 22, 2018
I felt the same way and, as others have said, this feeling is pretty much based upon cultural gender stereotyping. You have an *idea* of what a boy is, versus an *idea* of what a girl is, but those ideas don't have to become realities unless you let them.
It isn't always easy to go against the tide, and there are factors such as where you live and the people you hang out with (including the people at the schools your child is going to attend) that are going to have a big effect on how things develop, so you probably want to think about that (and steer some of those factors in certain directions).
If you start out thinking that boys don't express feelings as much as girls do, or don't get as close to their parents as girls do, or don't like to talk about people as much, etc., then a self-fulfilling prophecy may direct your son's socialization in those directions. People here have stated that their sons are wearing glitter and tutus, but the important fact is that those are symbols for how they're raising their boys -- they're letting them express who they really are.
My son has virtually zero interest in sports (neither does his father), is a musician and writes fiction, and is also steel-trap logical, has an incredible memory for facts, is political, and, most important, is empathic, kind, and oriented toward social justice. He is also emotionally expressive, is extremely loyal and loving to friends and family, and refers to himself as a "cat lady" -- i.e., he has a great sense of humor. In other words, he's an individual, as your son will be. You should try your hardest to let him be who he is, and try to protect him from gender stereotyping (even saying, "he expresses his feminine side" as a compliment is gender stereotyping. There ARE no "sides" except as we think there are).
posted by DMelanogaster at 7:07 AM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
It isn't always easy to go against the tide, and there are factors such as where you live and the people you hang out with (including the people at the schools your child is going to attend) that are going to have a big effect on how things develop, so you probably want to think about that (and steer some of those factors in certain directions).
If you start out thinking that boys don't express feelings as much as girls do, or don't get as close to their parents as girls do, or don't like to talk about people as much, etc., then a self-fulfilling prophecy may direct your son's socialization in those directions. People here have stated that their sons are wearing glitter and tutus, but the important fact is that those are symbols for how they're raising their boys -- they're letting them express who they really are.
My son has virtually zero interest in sports (neither does his father), is a musician and writes fiction, and is also steel-trap logical, has an incredible memory for facts, is political, and, most important, is empathic, kind, and oriented toward social justice. He is also emotionally expressive, is extremely loyal and loving to friends and family, and refers to himself as a "cat lady" -- i.e., he has a great sense of humor. In other words, he's an individual, as your son will be. You should try your hardest to let him be who he is, and try to protect him from gender stereotyping (even saying, "he expresses his feminine side" as a compliment is gender stereotyping. There ARE no "sides" except as we think there are).
posted by DMelanogaster at 7:07 AM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
I am a guy, but I'm not a guy-guy. I've always been more comfortable with women than men. I don't do sports. Things like that.
When Mrs. Proust and I were expecting, I really wanted a girl. I was worried about having a boy. How would I relate to this boy creature?
Then the baby arrived. I fell in love with it. It happened to be a boy, but that really didn't matter to me at all.
I haven't given it a second thought. You'll be fine.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 7:26 AM on May 22, 2018
When Mrs. Proust and I were expecting, I really wanted a girl. I was worried about having a boy. How would I relate to this boy creature?
Then the baby arrived. I fell in love with it. It happened to be a boy, but that really didn't matter to me at all.
I haven't given it a second thought. You'll be fine.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 7:26 AM on May 22, 2018
I love this.
I'm actually going to go against the grain and say not to find out. First, not knowing is so much fun -- it's the best surprise ever! And also, once you have that baby you will not give a shit about the gender. It will be your gorgeous baby. I think finding out early is OK if you really do want to manage expectations but it may just mean 20 more weeks of being upset about something YOU KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT! I don't mean that in a mean way at all, I was the most clueless of all clueless mothers about everything. But trust me when I tell you that everything you think you know about having a kid/a boy/girl whatever will probably be completely wrong. And that's a good thing usually :).
posted by heavenknows at 7:29 AM on May 22, 2018
I'm actually going to go against the grain and say not to find out. First, not knowing is so much fun -- it's the best surprise ever! And also, once you have that baby you will not give a shit about the gender. It will be your gorgeous baby. I think finding out early is OK if you really do want to manage expectations but it may just mean 20 more weeks of being upset about something YOU KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT! I don't mean that in a mean way at all, I was the most clueless of all clueless mothers about everything. But trust me when I tell you that everything you think you know about having a kid/a boy/girl whatever will probably be completely wrong. And that's a good thing usually :).
posted by heavenknows at 7:29 AM on May 22, 2018
Another voice to the chorus that this will be a person and you will love that person more than you can possibly imagine. I have one boy and one girl. I always thought I would like one of each, but when finding out the second was a girl, promptly burst into tears. I am an inveterate feminist, I attended a women's college, I value the women in my life so, so much, but raising a girl just felt so fraught compared to raising a boy.
And then the reality of my actual people took over. In some ways they conform to stereotypes, but overall, what makes me head over heels in love with them is their inner essence and that seems to be totally unrelated to their gender. My daughter is knock me off my heels resilient. No matter what comes her way, she is bubbly and full of joy and enthusiasm. My son is much more tender. He is sensitive in a way his sister isn't, which is both his greatest strength and his Achilles heel. They are both hilarious, they are both intelligent, they are both amazing.
You will meet this person, whoever they are, and you will be baffled by them sometimes and wonder how you are related, and at other times you will be absolutely overwhelmed by the miracle that you are related to them and the power and depth of your love for them. It's ok to have doubts. It's ok to wonder if you can do this; in fact I worry about the parents who don't worry about whether they're going to be able to do this. Being a parent is humbling on a daily basis, sometimes totally grueling, and much of the time amazing and full of joy. I promise you will be good enough no matter what. The first and most important rule of being a parent? Love your kid. The second? Know deep in your bones that you are doing the very best you can, and it is good enough. Start working on that second bit now. Even with the doubt you feel, you are doing the very best you can, and it is very much good enough.
posted by goggie at 7:46 AM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
And then the reality of my actual people took over. In some ways they conform to stereotypes, but overall, what makes me head over heels in love with them is their inner essence and that seems to be totally unrelated to their gender. My daughter is knock me off my heels resilient. No matter what comes her way, she is bubbly and full of joy and enthusiasm. My son is much more tender. He is sensitive in a way his sister isn't, which is both his greatest strength and his Achilles heel. They are both hilarious, they are both intelligent, they are both amazing.
You will meet this person, whoever they are, and you will be baffled by them sometimes and wonder how you are related, and at other times you will be absolutely overwhelmed by the miracle that you are related to them and the power and depth of your love for them. It's ok to have doubts. It's ok to wonder if you can do this; in fact I worry about the parents who don't worry about whether they're going to be able to do this. Being a parent is humbling on a daily basis, sometimes totally grueling, and much of the time amazing and full of joy. I promise you will be good enough no matter what. The first and most important rule of being a parent? Love your kid. The second? Know deep in your bones that you are doing the very best you can, and it is good enough. Start working on that second bit now. Even with the doubt you feel, you are doing the very best you can, and it is very much good enough.
posted by goggie at 7:46 AM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Rephrasing my ideas from my prior comment from the prior thread, and echoing others here - your kid will be a fantastic, unique little person, and will not fit the gender assumptions you have, because everyone is different.
My wife was one of four sisters, and when we found out we would have a son, she was a bit freaked out. Now we have two boys, and she says she wouldn't have it any other way (in part because she's a high school teacher, so she sees what girls can grow up to be -- boys, too, but she sees more drama from the young ladies). Our boys are by turns cuddly and affectionate to everyone and each-other, and then they're rough-and-tumble little boy-boys who fight with each-other, only to flip back to being best friends in another two minutes.
They sometimes wear her make-up, and the older boy's favorite colors were pink and purple when he was younger. Because of that, we have a big Abby blanket and an Abby training potty, as well as a Hello Kitty little kid plate. He also wanted long hair so his little brother could better play with his hair, but decided he wanted his hair cut when my wife pointed out he'd have to brush his hair (we're pretty lax on hair care for the boys ;)). They're both adverse to scary conflict in stories, to varying degrees, but both are free spirits who are happy to dance to any music that moves them (music is big in our house).
Then our younger boy is all about super heroes, vehicles, and all that "boy" stuff, even though we didn't push that on him or his brother, who is pretty set on being a paleontologist. They pick what they like, though they'll also be shaped by the opportunities you give them. And we're raising them to be feminists, talking to the older one about the gender (and race) disparity in stories (lots of gender swapping when reading to them as wee ones, because why in the world are all construction vehicles male?) and in the world at large.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:12 AM on May 22, 2018
My wife was one of four sisters, and when we found out we would have a son, she was a bit freaked out. Now we have two boys, and she says she wouldn't have it any other way (in part because she's a high school teacher, so she sees what girls can grow up to be -- boys, too, but she sees more drama from the young ladies). Our boys are by turns cuddly and affectionate to everyone and each-other, and then they're rough-and-tumble little boy-boys who fight with each-other, only to flip back to being best friends in another two minutes.
They sometimes wear her make-up, and the older boy's favorite colors were pink and purple when he was younger. Because of that, we have a big Abby blanket and an Abby training potty, as well as a Hello Kitty little kid plate. He also wanted long hair so his little brother could better play with his hair, but decided he wanted his hair cut when my wife pointed out he'd have to brush his hair (we're pretty lax on hair care for the boys ;)). They're both adverse to scary conflict in stories, to varying degrees, but both are free spirits who are happy to dance to any music that moves them (music is big in our house).
Then our younger boy is all about super heroes, vehicles, and all that "boy" stuff, even though we didn't push that on him or his brother, who is pretty set on being a paleontologist. They pick what they like, though they'll also be shaped by the opportunities you give them. And we're raising them to be feminists, talking to the older one about the gender (and race) disparity in stories (lots of gender swapping when reading to them as wee ones, because why in the world are all construction vehicles male?) and in the world at large.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:12 AM on May 22, 2018
Came in to say, simply, that you don't know you are having a boy. You're really presented with a vast set of decisions to make about the kind of human you're raising and nuturing. And in an ideal world, I feel, all children would be presented with a set of options prior to puberty about how they would like to proceed, medically or otherwise. You can imagine a possible world where your baby's assigned sex at birth might lead to an entirely different cultural outcome. Because that's all it is: a cultural outcome. Think about it like this: people might think you're crazy - they'd probably even want to take your child away, but you could raise a girl, if you wanted. That's an extreme thought experiment, but it does hold up. So all things considered, you are going to experience an infinite set of beautiful possibilities about the kind of human being your child will become. I urge you not limit those possibilities!
posted by lilies.lilies at 8:27 AM on May 22, 2018
posted by lilies.lilies at 8:27 AM on May 22, 2018
When I was pregnant with my first, I imagined I was having a girl and was very excited to have a daughter. Then we found out it was a boy. I was still happy, but had to adjust some expectations and was a little nervous because I couldn't imagine what having a boy would be like (all I had was my own experience growing up as a girl).
He's 3 now, and I am quickly learning that while my son does some 'boy' things, he's not by any means "all boy" or not interested in "girl" things. Kids are complex, it turns out! They like all sorts of stuff! I was prepared to have a superhero-loving, Lego-obsessed, trucks and construction and police car playing rowdy roughhousing boy who is a mini-copy of his dad. So far he's actually very gentle and sensitive and really, really takes after me. He's cautious and careful, introverted, dislikes loud noises, and has a memory like a steel trap. Some of what he likes and notices is more 'boy' (Spider-Man, machines and switches and lights, toy cars), other interests are more 'girl' (Frozen, movie musicals, dancing and singing, dresses and necklaces, making cakes with Play-Doh, gardening). As he gets older he might veer harder into the 'boy' stuff thanks to peer pressure, but his dad and I are looking forward to raising a kind, gentle feminist ally with well rounded interests.
I'm now pregnant with a girl and while I'm excited, I'm also a little "???" because after having a boy, I have no idea what she's going to be like and I've learned I can't just assume boy child = just like Dad and girl child =miniature version of Mom. I went through my things that I had saved from childhood, and realized I had been holding on to my porcelain doll collection to pass down to a daughter. I just donated it a few weeks ago, because I realize now she's going to be her own person and she may or may not be interested in porcelain dolls or sentimental gifts, and if she is, she can start her own new collection instead of being saddled with Mom's old disheveled dolls.
Boys are fun, girls are fun, they're all really really individual people who will take after both you and your partner in obvious and hidden ways, plus plenty of traits and quirks that are brand new and unique to them. Discovering your child as a person is one of the most fun parts of parenting.
posted by castlebravo at 8:35 AM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
He's 3 now, and I am quickly learning that while my son does some 'boy' things, he's not by any means "all boy" or not interested in "girl" things. Kids are complex, it turns out! They like all sorts of stuff! I was prepared to have a superhero-loving, Lego-obsessed, trucks and construction and police car playing rowdy roughhousing boy who is a mini-copy of his dad. So far he's actually very gentle and sensitive and really, really takes after me. He's cautious and careful, introverted, dislikes loud noises, and has a memory like a steel trap. Some of what he likes and notices is more 'boy' (Spider-Man, machines and switches and lights, toy cars), other interests are more 'girl' (Frozen, movie musicals, dancing and singing, dresses and necklaces, making cakes with Play-Doh, gardening). As he gets older he might veer harder into the 'boy' stuff thanks to peer pressure, but his dad and I are looking forward to raising a kind, gentle feminist ally with well rounded interests.
I'm now pregnant with a girl and while I'm excited, I'm also a little "???" because after having a boy, I have no idea what she's going to be like and I've learned I can't just assume boy child = just like Dad and girl child =miniature version of Mom. I went through my things that I had saved from childhood, and realized I had been holding on to my porcelain doll collection to pass down to a daughter. I just donated it a few weeks ago, because I realize now she's going to be her own person and she may or may not be interested in porcelain dolls or sentimental gifts, and if she is, she can start her own new collection instead of being saddled with Mom's old disheveled dolls.
Boys are fun, girls are fun, they're all really really individual people who will take after both you and your partner in obvious and hidden ways, plus plenty of traits and quirks that are brand new and unique to them. Discovering your child as a person is one of the most fun parts of parenting.
posted by castlebravo at 8:35 AM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
None of us ever get to experience raising a generic boy or girl. You will only have “a boy” for a few minutes, after that you’ll have a baby and will be too busy to think about all those gender expextations. Later on, you won’t have “a boy” you’ll have [yourboysbame], and the idea of some other experience will be as foreign to you as living on Mars. All the things that have made being a parent fun (first steps, first words, etc.) have been pretty genderless. Come to think of it, so have all the things that have made being a parent not fun have been too.
Good luck and congratulations!
posted by skewed at 8:48 AM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Good luck and congratulations!
posted by skewed at 8:48 AM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
I understand what you're saying. But what helped me through the "I didn't think it was going to be a boy" adjustment was not "what's good about boys?" but de-emphasizing gender.
The reality is, you will love your kid like crazy for the person that he or she is. And even though he(?) will be more or less assigned male at birth, you can work to hang onto the awareness that we simply don't know his gender. I made a practice of dressing him in neutrals and pinks and florals often enough that it disrupted my own sense of his gender (to some extent). Research shows that parents treat children differently due to gender - I recommend this practice to everyone because I did find mild differences in my behavior that were illuminating to notice. And this way, if we made a mistake in gender assignment, she'll have baby pictures she relates to. All that has been somewhat helpful.
But overall, the biggest thing I can tell you is that their personality and your relationship emerge long before anything gender stereotypical on their part. They emerge as a defenseless newborn that you love with your whole heart, and that's the creature you build a relationship with. Let his hair grow long, then cut it short, dress him in pinks and blues and flowers and trains...
posted by slidell at 9:57 AM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
The reality is, you will love your kid like crazy for the person that he or she is. And even though he(?) will be more or less assigned male at birth, you can work to hang onto the awareness that we simply don't know his gender. I made a practice of dressing him in neutrals and pinks and florals often enough that it disrupted my own sense of his gender (to some extent). Research shows that parents treat children differently due to gender - I recommend this practice to everyone because I did find mild differences in my behavior that were illuminating to notice. And this way, if we made a mistake in gender assignment, she'll have baby pictures she relates to. All that has been somewhat helpful.
But overall, the biggest thing I can tell you is that their personality and your relationship emerge long before anything gender stereotypical on their part. They emerge as a defenseless newborn that you love with your whole heart, and that's the creature you build a relationship with. Let his hair grow long, then cut it short, dress him in pinks and blues and flowers and trains...
posted by slidell at 9:57 AM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
You sound similar to the way my husband felt; his response to the idea of having a boy was "but what do I know about boy things?" because he failed most tests of toxic masculinity growing up. I was more neutral on that particular point, but there have been other aspects that have not been what I'd expected or hoped for. Every moment, there will be doors of possibility that open and others that close. This is just the first one, so you can get the bends, a bit.
For my personal boy, I've enjoyed a lot of stereotypical boy stuff with him (wallowing in a mud hole in the garden, playing wiffleball, playing video games, learning the names of every incidental Star Wars character). I've enjoyed a lot of stereotypical girl stuff with him (painting his nails, baking and cake decorating, talking about our feelings, learning the names of every incidental My Little Pony character). I've enjoyed a lot of non-stereotyped activities with him (reading bedtime stories, watching a movie in the dark snuggled under a blanket, learning about birds at the bird feeder, sharing an ice cream, impromptu dance parties). Raising a child to be a (probably) cis white man that behaves in a way I can respect in the world feels very worthwhile. I love my kid, and he is a boy, so therefore I love raising boys.
posted by tchemgrrl at 10:10 AM on May 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
For my personal boy, I've enjoyed a lot of stereotypical boy stuff with him (wallowing in a mud hole in the garden, playing wiffleball, playing video games, learning the names of every incidental Star Wars character). I've enjoyed a lot of stereotypical girl stuff with him (painting his nails, baking and cake decorating, talking about our feelings, learning the names of every incidental My Little Pony character). I've enjoyed a lot of non-stereotyped activities with him (reading bedtime stories, watching a movie in the dark snuggled under a blanket, learning about birds at the bird feeder, sharing an ice cream, impromptu dance parties). Raising a child to be a (probably) cis white man that behaves in a way I can respect in the world feels very worthwhile. I love my kid, and he is a boy, so therefore I love raising boys.
posted by tchemgrrl at 10:10 AM on May 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
What if you just refocus on why you're excited to have a child? Kids are kids, they're pretty individual and they have a way of being different from what you expect them to be like.
I think it's pretty common for women to have a slight preference for girls, or at least in talking to people, I feel like most women I know who are pregnant for the first time felt like they were having a girl, just because they are female themselves and this you're doing is a part of your own body.
Seriously, think more about what your parent-child relationship will be like.
posted by vunder at 11:33 AM on May 22, 2018
I think it's pretty common for women to have a slight preference for girls, or at least in talking to people, I feel like most women I know who are pregnant for the first time felt like they were having a girl, just because they are female themselves and this you're doing is a part of your own body.
Seriously, think more about what your parent-child relationship will be like.
posted by vunder at 11:33 AM on May 22, 2018
Boys tend to get bigger faster so you can ditch the tank stroller and switch to a lightweight umbrella stroller sooner, which is nice.
posted by WeekendJen at 11:38 AM on May 22, 2018
posted by WeekendJen at 11:38 AM on May 22, 2018
I happened to be very much in love with a man when my boy was born - and I could see that man in my boy right away (along with some of me, and some things that were neither of us but just belonged to this brand new person himself). Being able to see my little glimpses of my husband in my baby's eyes, or toes, or temperament, has been a lovely way to fall deeper in love with both of them, again and again.
posted by Ausamor at 12:03 PM on May 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Ausamor at 12:03 PM on May 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
I’m currently pregnant, with like 2+ weeks left (ahhhh!) and we found out very early it was a boy due to bloodwork needed. I had wanted a girl, and when I heard we were having a boy, the level of disappointment I felt surprised me. I’ve since talked with many other moms and moms-to-be, and my care providers, and it seems actually pretty normal to have a gender preference. So, don’t feel bad about how you feel! I will say, I’m starting to come around and that now I’m thinking this is a good thing for me. It’s making me confront gender beliefs I held that I didn’t even realize I had strong feelings about. I also think I was feeling bad because I didn’t feel like we needed more men in the world due to current conditions. But the above posters are correct- it’s a baby being born, not a full grown man, and I’m now viewing this as my chance to try to raise a feminist man who will be awesome and compassionate and do emotional labor, etc. I’m also going to work hard to let my boy be himself, no matter if those things are coded feminine or masculine.
Good luck and congrats to you!
posted by FireFountain at 12:32 PM on May 22, 2018
Good luck and congrats to you!
posted by FireFountain at 12:32 PM on May 22, 2018
Regardless of what gender your child is assigned, you may not know how they identify for 20 years. Don’t sweat this too hard - focus on creating the relationship you want and letting them know they can be who they choose.
posted by bile and syntax at 12:35 PM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by bile and syntax at 12:35 PM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
So many good answers above. I'm not sure if I can go about explaining my thoughts on this well. This is just the beginning, sex is the first characteristic you can know and you are thinking about your judgement/feelings on it, comparing it to the picture in your head. Welcome to parenting. Everything is like this. The child will have curly hair or straight hair, blond or black hair, brown or green eyes, like to read, hate to read, like athletics or not, like to try new foods or not, be extroverted or introverted, like math or art. Everything will be not exactly like you pictured. They will be their own self. Parenting can be about trying to let them be their best self regardless of what the parent pictured their child to be.
I knew my first would definitely be a girl, I wanted a girl to have the characteristics of a first born. I knew she would have reddish brown hair and green eyes and love to read and try different foods that I would lovingly make for her. Then, at 15 weeks, our girl showed a penis on the ultrasound. He was blond toddler with brown eyes who has always been extremely high energy and active though he does like to read when he was not running around. Then I knew child number two would be a boy, too, because I couldn't imagine having a girl now. Of course she was a blond, blue-eyed toddler who loves to read! but even as a teenager eats like a toddler and will not try anything new. Enjoy the journey.
(Sorry, this may be really out there and me projecting but found pregnancy and post-partum hormones to be incredibly anxiety increasing and I would worry so much, usually about the wrong this as it turned out later :) . I don't mean any of it to be condescending, just sharing my experiences.)
posted by RoadScholar at 1:26 PM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I knew my first would definitely be a girl, I wanted a girl to have the characteristics of a first born. I knew she would have reddish brown hair and green eyes and love to read and try different foods that I would lovingly make for her. Then, at 15 weeks, our girl showed a penis on the ultrasound. He was blond toddler with brown eyes who has always been extremely high energy and active though he does like to read when he was not running around. Then I knew child number two would be a boy, too, because I couldn't imagine having a girl now. Of course she was a blond, blue-eyed toddler who loves to read! but even as a teenager eats like a toddler and will not try anything new. Enjoy the journey.
(Sorry, this may be really out there and me projecting but found pregnancy and post-partum hormones to be incredibly anxiety increasing and I would worry so much, usually about the wrong this as it turned out later :) . I don't mean any of it to be condescending, just sharing my experiences.)
posted by RoadScholar at 1:26 PM on May 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I badly wanted a girl when I was pregnant, and had testing during the pregnancy because I was an older mother. As soon as the tech called with the "no anomalies detected" message I wanted to know the gender. It was a girl. I wanted to know because if the baby was a boy, I wanted to have the rest of the pregnancy to prepare myself. I hate surprises.
With my second pregnancy I again wanted a girl, but testing informed me that this would be a boy. I was disappointed but prepared (my husband was happy when I relayed the test result, though, and I hadn't known he cared about gender that much. That was interesting, and 26 years later not forgotten). So I could, and did, adjust my expectations, and my husband had months of preparatory joy.
My daughter has had 3 and with every pregnancy has felt deeply that it would be a boy. First was. Second was a shocking daughter, which threw her, as she felt totally unprepared and went on a blizzard of internet shopping for pink stuff, the outer manifestation of internal unease. It took her a while to appreciate having a daughter, but she's now 3 and totally incredible. Her 3rd child was another boy, so she was correct 66% of the time.
And at least for me, my relationship with my daughter is closer and more intimate than with my son, and I know will be for the rest of my life. My son is warm and we get along great, but it's not the same. I know what you mean, and for me it was important to know the answer so I wouldn't have to fret for the rest of the pregnancies.
posted by citygirl at 3:04 PM on May 22, 2018
With my second pregnancy I again wanted a girl, but testing informed me that this would be a boy. I was disappointed but prepared (my husband was happy when I relayed the test result, though, and I hadn't known he cared about gender that much. That was interesting, and 26 years later not forgotten). So I could, and did, adjust my expectations, and my husband had months of preparatory joy.
My daughter has had 3 and with every pregnancy has felt deeply that it would be a boy. First was. Second was a shocking daughter, which threw her, as she felt totally unprepared and went on a blizzard of internet shopping for pink stuff, the outer manifestation of internal unease. It took her a while to appreciate having a daughter, but she's now 3 and totally incredible. Her 3rd child was another boy, so she was correct 66% of the time.
And at least for me, my relationship with my daughter is closer and more intimate than with my son, and I know will be for the rest of my life. My son is warm and we get along great, but it's not the same. I know what you mean, and for me it was important to know the answer so I wouldn't have to fret for the rest of the pregnancies.
posted by citygirl at 3:04 PM on May 22, 2018
Y'know.. I have 3 boys. And we have 3 boys because we wanted to have a girl. Well, I mean, we didn't really care at first, but always were like "It'd be great to have a girl next." Then, boy. And another.
It's been great.
And, well - I know everyone here is all enlightened and about how gender isn't fixed and y'know, boys don't have to be all sporty and masculine and boy-like. But, well - hey, if it's a boy, he just may be all that. (and flip side, a girl could be too, people, so, there's that).
Why are boys cool and girls drool, is your main question, though, right?
Oh, but first - hey - there is no reason why you wouldn't have a preference. A lot of people do. There's nothing wrong with it. But if you don't get your first choice puppy, then there's always fun things about cats, right?
Ok - so the differences are *not* that stark between boy babies and girl babies.
And - in the end, what really ends up making a big difference is order of birth. First one is bossy and standoffish when they're older, second one is the peacemaker and family-focused kid and the third the the blacksheep that sort of is blase about everything, even though they really care.
Boys can be cool because they surprise you in the most adorable ways. Because you don't expect certain things from boys, and, well, you should - but you don't, and when they come through, it's awesome. Ok, so maybe they are a little bit like cats.
posted by rich at 3:19 PM on May 22, 2018
It's been great.
And, well - I know everyone here is all enlightened and about how gender isn't fixed and y'know, boys don't have to be all sporty and masculine and boy-like. But, well - hey, if it's a boy, he just may be all that. (and flip side, a girl could be too, people, so, there's that).
Why are boys cool and girls drool, is your main question, though, right?
Oh, but first - hey - there is no reason why you wouldn't have a preference. A lot of people do. There's nothing wrong with it. But if you don't get your first choice puppy, then there's always fun things about cats, right?
Ok - so the differences are *not* that stark between boy babies and girl babies.
And - in the end, what really ends up making a big difference is order of birth. First one is bossy and standoffish when they're older, second one is the peacemaker and family-focused kid and the third the the blacksheep that sort of is blase about everything, even though they really care.
Boys can be cool because they surprise you in the most adorable ways. Because you don't expect certain things from boys, and, well, you should - but you don't, and when they come through, it's awesome. Ok, so maybe they are a little bit like cats.
posted by rich at 3:19 PM on May 22, 2018
I was sure I was having a girl because I thought my late grandma wanted me to name the baby after her. We found out at the anatomy scan that it was a boy. He actually had a small growth issue that is more prevalent with boys so we would have found out even if we hadn’t seen the parts.
He was an IVF baby and very badly wanted, so I wasn’t upset. Just surprised. I’d only pictured it with a girl. I didn’t know what having a boy would be like.
It’s been fantastic. It’s really made me aware of how weird some of the gender programming in society is. Like, he has this little people set which has a farmer and a dog and a tractor. The equivalently priced girl set is a little castle diorama with a princess and a kitty. The window opens and closes. The throne spins. That’s it. With the tractor, you can put stuff in it and drive it around. The farmer is going somewhere.
And then there was a picnic basket time he played with at a friends house. He loved it. You could put stuff in and take stuff out and he was very into that. And it’s pink, for no necessary reason. I had to do some deep programming on myself to ask myself why I was so resistant to buy him a pink toy. I finally found it at a thrift shop and took it as a sign that I was supposed to get it for him. And he loves it still.
The best device I got was to treat him not like a boy or a girl, but like a person. And he is such a happy and cheerful little guy that I adore him. The feeling when I go in to get him in the morning and he is so excited to see me that he actually claps, it is indescribable. He claps from being so happy to see me. It’s pure love. It is an amazing feeling to be a mom.
posted by ficbot at 5:18 PM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
He was an IVF baby and very badly wanted, so I wasn’t upset. Just surprised. I’d only pictured it with a girl. I didn’t know what having a boy would be like.
It’s been fantastic. It’s really made me aware of how weird some of the gender programming in society is. Like, he has this little people set which has a farmer and a dog and a tractor. The equivalently priced girl set is a little castle diorama with a princess and a kitty. The window opens and closes. The throne spins. That’s it. With the tractor, you can put stuff in it and drive it around. The farmer is going somewhere.
And then there was a picnic basket time he played with at a friends house. He loved it. You could put stuff in and take stuff out and he was very into that. And it’s pink, for no necessary reason. I had to do some deep programming on myself to ask myself why I was so resistant to buy him a pink toy. I finally found it at a thrift shop and took it as a sign that I was supposed to get it for him. And he loves it still.
The best device I got was to treat him not like a boy or a girl, but like a person. And he is such a happy and cheerful little guy that I adore him. The feeling when I go in to get him in the morning and he is so excited to see me that he actually claps, it is indescribable. He claps from being so happy to see me. It’s pure love. It is an amazing feeling to be a mom.
posted by ficbot at 5:18 PM on May 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
So many good thoughts here! I’m a guy who always wanted a daughter. I knew from the beginning that genetics were against it, and ended up with two boys, now both in their 20s, so it was a little bit of disappointment but no surprise.
I’m happy to know that they have grown into men who are delightfully nerdy, not sports-minded (in spite of their mother), and are politically woke.
You have the opportunity to raise boys in the #MeToo world, where they can use their positions of male privilege to improve the world for all of those around them.
Most important, despite your fears, you’ll love them.
posted by lhauser at 7:37 PM on May 22, 2018
I’m happy to know that they have grown into men who are delightfully nerdy, not sports-minded (in spite of their mother), and are politically woke.
You have the opportunity to raise boys in the #MeToo world, where they can use their positions of male privilege to improve the world for all of those around them.
Most important, despite your fears, you’ll love them.
posted by lhauser at 7:37 PM on May 22, 2018
Children excel at subverting parent's expectations, and gender is just one of the ways they do so. If you have a boy, you will learn a little earlier how to love your kid exactly as they show up.
(Wanted a girl, had a boy, WOULD NOT TRADE HIM FOR THE WORLD)
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:57 AM on May 23, 2018
(Wanted a girl, had a boy, WOULD NOT TRADE HIM FOR THE WORLD)
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:57 AM on May 23, 2018
I have a seven-year-old son, and recently was given custody of my five-year-old niece. I am ABSOLUTELY GOBSMACKED at how often grown men say inappropriate things to her -- I mean, I'm a woman, so I've been dealing with this shit my entire life, but I don't remember it starting so young. No inappropriate things were ever said to my son based on his appearance or gender, but in the past three days she has been hit on by a waiter (you're so pretty! can I throw you a party?) and a guy in a Navy t-shirt outside Walmart (hi there cutie pie!) and asked a strange question by a guy in Dunkin Donuts (I don't even want to repeat it).
So having a son is easier just from the standpoint of not having to constantly push back on random adults being gross and sexualizing them when in public, or try to explain this stuff to a little kid. That's not to say that navigating gender with a boy is easier in every situation, but in my experience, you can talk about gender roles and norms and expectations in a much more relaxed way when you have a boy, rather than having to have emergency conversations and strategizing sessions.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 9:01 AM on May 25, 2018
So having a son is easier just from the standpoint of not having to constantly push back on random adults being gross and sexualizing them when in public, or try to explain this stuff to a little kid. That's not to say that navigating gender with a boy is easier in every situation, but in my experience, you can talk about gender roles and norms and expectations in a much more relaxed way when you have a boy, rather than having to have emergency conversations and strategizing sessions.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 9:01 AM on May 25, 2018
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I felt that finding out early helped me get used to the idea early then focusing on the baby I was getting rather than the baby in my head.
I think it is not unusual to have a strong preference beforehand though!
posted by kadia_a at 2:00 AM on May 22, 2018