Finding meaning outside infertility

May 18, 2018 6:00 PM

How does a single 39 year old woman find purpose after two and a half years of IVF and miscarriages?

After my mental health took a steep decline, I've decided to take a break from IVF treatments and work out who I am outside trying to get pregnant. My life at the moment solely consists of infertility / work / cats (who've caused a lot of stress over the past year).

I'm lucky in that I have a job I enjoy and am reasonably good at. Frankly, it's been my saving grace over the past few years, but unfortunately now there's a few pregnant women at work, so I can no longer leave that at home.

I don't have any hobbies or outside interests. My entire social circle consists of either workmates or other infertile women. All my money has gone on treatment. I'm hoping the kind people of askmefi can guide me on how to broaden my life.

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (15 answers total)

Develop some hobbies and outside interests! There are lots of things a person can do besides bear and raise children. Many of them are even really beneficial to society, if you're looking for a way to put some good of yourself into the world. I personally feel like "have kids" is just sort of the default life purpose, the one that we're hustled toward from birth, but there are so many other options out there.

So… what do you want out of life? Do you primarily want to just enjoy yourself hedonistically? Do you want to feel like you're making a positive controbution to society? Bit of both?

This is really just so open-ended. Like, who are you? What kind of person? What gives you joy, what makes you feel alive?

Those are the types of questions you should try to get answers for. Once you think you have some, then you can look for engrossing activities that will help satisfy you and nourish your soul. But first you need to find out what you're looking to get out of life at all.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:12 PM on May 18, 2018 [11 favorites]

If motherhood is something you really want to experience, I would seriously consider going through the foster system. Unlike private adoptions, you don't need a ton of money to do it, and the kids in the foster system really need help. Yes, this route has its own challenges and potential for heartbreak -- I don't mean to say that it would be easy! But at the same time, being a mother always has challenges and heartbreak. And you don't need to be fertile or rich to be an amazing mom.
posted by rainbowbrite at 6:18 PM on May 18, 2018 [15 favorites]

Learning new things helps give me a sense of purpose. I read and watch documentaries. I take non-credit classes. There are classes for enrichment, some free, some not. There's so much out there that people can discover. It doesn't have to be academic. There are also how to resources for gardening, cooking, art, and more. If you're into academics, though, and can afford it, maybe you can even take some college classes to challenge yourself further. Maybe there will be some subject or skill out there that sparks your interest.
posted by Social Science Nerd at 6:23 PM on May 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

I feel like some of this is an existential question and some of this is a practical question. I'll leave the existential question to the better philosophers of MeFi and address the practical one: how does one find new hobbies?

Bustle has a decent list for brainstorming. Truth is, though, that there is a difference between something you do to pass the time, and a genuine interest. I do a lot of computer gaming to pass the time, but I wouldn't call it a hobby. I like to think of hobbies as things I do that improve my life, sort of like a cross between an interest and a habit. So perhaps start there: what are some interests that you have, that you could build a hobby around? You love your cats, perhaps there is a shelter nearby that has volunteers? Did you realize that you were good at research when you were going through IVF? Perhaps updating wikipedia could be your thing, on a variety of topics. When you got together with other infertile women, did you enjoy the camaraderie of that? Perhaps a women's book club would fit the bill. Do you love having all the answers? Pub trivia might be something to try.

Since you quit IVF for mental health reasons, I also want to point out that depression/anxiety support groups exist out there, and you might try attending those to meet understanding people outside your core group that may themselves have hobbies that you could learn about. There's no shame in dabbling.
posted by juniperesque at 6:38 PM on May 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

You could write a book about your experiences these last two years.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:51 PM on May 18, 2018

Oh yeah, been somewhere similar to there. We went through infertility for 7 years. 7 pregnancies, 1 son who died at (early) birth, 2 failed adoptions before our son.

We did 2 things to solve many of the same issues you're in the midst of. 1: we bought a fixer upper and set to learning how to repair/restore it ourselves. It felt good to be doing something that shows visible impact and progress. A nice project for the two of us to work on together, that could distract us, work us to the bone, and build equity in a really practical way even if our dreams of a family never materialized.

2: when we felt like we'd really reached the end of our rope, we planned a trip to Spain to walk the Camino de Santiago, to have a long walk and a hard think about who we were and what we wanted out of life. We knew we weren't the same people we'd started out as, but we weren't sure who we were anymore, and we knew we'd need to rebuild ourselves one way or another. We're not religious, but an incredible walk with plenty of space for experiencing whatever would come sounded like our ideal.

I won't sugar coat anything. This is tough stuff, and there are no simple answers. My advice is to ask yourselves what physical projects/activities you might engage in that will help you work together and keep you out of your heads as much as possible. The hope cycle will still be there, of course, but you want to have a bit more choice about how far to sink into it.

I sincerely wish you luck in all of this.
posted by nadise at 7:09 PM on May 18, 2018 [15 favorites]

I think you do need hobbies. Maybe start small. Try one or two smallish things per week. See what strikes your fancy and try more of that and similar things.

Go for a hike.
Try kayaking.
Go for a bike ride.
Crochet a pothole.
Coloring book for adults.
Make a new recipe from scratch.
Refinish a table.
Volunteer for a thing that seems important to you.

Now that I am older, 22 year olds are fun because they do all kinds of fun hobby stuff. You can see what the kids are doing and see if something similar might be fun for you. I guess you can ask anyone what they're up to. All my suggestions are pretty cheap (can do rentals). Trying to get pregnant sucks. I'm sorry.
posted by Kalmya at 7:28 PM on May 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

I walked the Camino (as noted above) and eventually took up marathon running. It sounds a little extreme, but I was your age when I started running and after all the years of beating up my body with failed pregnancy, athletic self care was the thing I needed.
posted by frumiousb at 7:38 PM on May 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

I taught myself how to play guitar after my miscarriage. It was a great thing to focus on to shut our my thoughts while doing something that made me feel good.
posted by gatorae at 8:04 PM on May 18, 2018

I second the "crochet a pothole" idea.
posted by serena15221 at 9:25 PM on May 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

Think about what you want to do with your life if a biological child isn't part of it. Do you want to adopt? Move closer to family/friends who have children you can be an aunt to? Try living abroad? Study for a new career that wouldn't be ideal if you had kids? Save half your income so you can take a year's sabbatical to travel? Make an intense volunteer commitment to a cause that's important to you?

As you decide, you don't have to act on anything immediately, but having a future you're interested in working towards helps a lot. I take disappointment/ plans going awry VERY hard, but once I'm able to get past the grief of what I don't have, the newly open possibilities feel exciting. You're in a space where you can change EVERYTHING about your life if you choose.
posted by metasarah at 6:20 AM on May 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

If you happen to be part of a religious community that you find supportive and affirming, this sounds like a great time for some pastoral counseling. Most types of preachers offer a service of this kind (for free) to their parishoners as part of their overall pastoral care. I feel like religion is a place that people often turn to when seeking meaning in their lives, so if it's a part of your life then I'd encourage you to seek out some guidance from your spiritual leader.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 7:46 AM on May 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I lay on the couch, cried constantly, went through real grief, and then in the depths of it adopted a dog I credit with saving my sanity, and sometimes my life. She gave me purpose. She gave me a reason to go to work. She gave me an outlet for my overwhelming need to nurture.

Ultimately, parenting didn't happen for me; it's amazing to me how much of my 30s I spent trying to have a baby, and how little I care in my 40s that I didn't. I'm sandwiched on a couch between two furry, snoring, drooling derps and nothing is missing.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:41 AM on May 19, 2018 [9 favorites]

Best answer: I defer to others on managing the emotional heartbreak of infertility, which I understand can be extraordinarily painful and which I respect.

But anyone, man or woman, looking to have kids or not, who said to me at age 39 that they had no outside hobbies or interests--not that they didn't have time or money or space for them, etc., but didn't have them at all--I'd think that something had gone significantly wrong with their life. And, the way it's framed, it don't think it's an existential problem. It's a psychological one. I mean, the question of a purpose in life is extraordinarily challenging and complex. But It's not normal or healthy for a human being to have nothing but work to care about. Nor do you end up that way just following the ordinary course of life--you can fail to solve the Mystery of Existence but still have pastimes. I'd suggest evaluation for depression as a first guess.

Having a kid is not going to solve this problem; at best, it postpones it a couple decades, and leaves you an empty shell at 60. At worst, you end up a grasping narcissistic mother who smothers her kids and fights every moment of their growing up and away from her because she has no other outlet. Tackle the psychological problem here and, either way, you end up with a better outcome.
posted by praemunire at 8:55 PM on May 19, 2018 [6 favorites]

I was infertile. I adopted. My kid is grown; there are grandchildren. I have moved to be close to them. And you know what? I love them to bits but my kid does not give my life meaning. Kids occupy your life for many years but if you want meaning, even as a mother you will need to look for that and develop that elsewhere.

My entire social circle consists of either workmates or other infertile women.

You need one or more close, loving friends who are not workmates or other infertile women. Relationships take a long time to develop but are so, so worth it. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 2:45 AM on May 20, 2018 [3 favorites]