My toddler is the class bully. Help!
May 14, 2018 9:38 AM Subscribe
My 21-month old pulls other kids' hair at daycare. Need advice or resources.
Background: My 21-month old has displayed the following behavior for a while: he will sometimes pull my wife's hair or roughly grab our faces. Sometimes he even will bite. This behavior is clearly more curious than aggressive. Among other things, we have tried reacting with a firm "no" but that often just provokes laughter and does not stop the bad behavior. He often will try the same thing on himself when we say no (pulling his own hair or pinching his own arm), as if to see what it feels like, but it doesn't change his behavior towards us. We also saw him pull other children's hair at the playground (which is, needless to say, horrifying). Kids with long or curly hair seem his likeliest prey.
This behavior actually peaked around the start of this year and has been getting better since. (We haven't ourselves observed him pull another kid's hair in the last 3 months.)
BUT. A couple months ago he started daycare (before that he was with a nanny/nannyshare). We recently heard that he has been pulling other kids' hair at daycare. This is mortifying, especially since we thought he wasn't doing it anymore, at least to other kids. He does it on an everyday basis and at least once he grabbed/scratched another kid's face as well.
Things we have tried include reacting with a strongly worded "no", reacting with a calm firm "no", and no reaction (mostly the first two). We often accompany this with an admonition to be gentle. If he does it to my wife more than once, she will take herself away from him for a few minutes after.
None of these strategies appear to work. As mentioned earlier, he reacts sometimes by laughing, sometimes by trying out the same behavior on himself again, but at any rate it doesn't stop him doing it to us.
At daycare, they tell him not to do it, tell him to be gentle, and have told the other kids to head him off if they see him coming to pull their hair.
We'd like some resources - advice, pointers to books or articles, or expert intervention. Any tips?
Background: My 21-month old has displayed the following behavior for a while: he will sometimes pull my wife's hair or roughly grab our faces. Sometimes he even will bite. This behavior is clearly more curious than aggressive. Among other things, we have tried reacting with a firm "no" but that often just provokes laughter and does not stop the bad behavior. He often will try the same thing on himself when we say no (pulling his own hair or pinching his own arm), as if to see what it feels like, but it doesn't change his behavior towards us. We also saw him pull other children's hair at the playground (which is, needless to say, horrifying). Kids with long or curly hair seem his likeliest prey.
This behavior actually peaked around the start of this year and has been getting better since. (We haven't ourselves observed him pull another kid's hair in the last 3 months.)
BUT. A couple months ago he started daycare (before that he was with a nanny/nannyshare). We recently heard that he has been pulling other kids' hair at daycare. This is mortifying, especially since we thought he wasn't doing it anymore, at least to other kids. He does it on an everyday basis and at least once he grabbed/scratched another kid's face as well.
Things we have tried include reacting with a strongly worded "no", reacting with a calm firm "no", and no reaction (mostly the first two). We often accompany this with an admonition to be gentle. If he does it to my wife more than once, she will take herself away from him for a few minutes after.
None of these strategies appear to work. As mentioned earlier, he reacts sometimes by laughing, sometimes by trying out the same behavior on himself again, but at any rate it doesn't stop him doing it to us.
At daycare, they tell him not to do it, tell him to be gentle, and have told the other kids to head him off if they see him coming to pull their hair.
We'd like some resources - advice, pointers to books or articles, or expert intervention. Any tips?
I think this is pretty normal toddler behaviour - certainly mine has done it since he was about 9 months old (currently 14 months) and plenty of other kids in nursery and baby music class seem to do it back to him. One tried to grab his eyeball today š¤·āāļø
Iām not sure thereās much you can do at 21 months beyond the āgentle handsā redirects that you are already doing. They grow out of it. Your child isnāt the class bully, itās completely normal for toddlers to shove and hit each other because they donāt know any better at that age.
posted by tinkletown at 9:45 AM on May 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
Iām not sure thereās much you can do at 21 months beyond the āgentle handsā redirects that you are already doing. They grow out of it. Your child isnāt the class bully, itās completely normal for toddlers to shove and hit each other because they donāt know any better at that age.
posted by tinkletown at 9:45 AM on May 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
This does seem pretty normal but is something that should be appropriately addressed.
We swear by Janet Lansbury.
posted by anya32 at 9:48 AM on May 14, 2018 [6 favorites]
We swear by Janet Lansbury.
posted by anya32 at 9:48 AM on May 14, 2018 [6 favorites]
Oh Iām not saying let him carry on doing it! But your child is not a Bad Kid or a bully for exploring interesting things like other peopleās hair a little too roughly. They donāt really understand how hard they are grabbing at that age. Their though processes donāt really get beyond āinteresting thing -> I want it -> grabā.
Age 3 or 4, yes they do understand what they are doing. Under 2, not really. So you do just have to keep redirecting until they lose interest.
posted by tinkletown at 9:57 AM on May 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
Age 3 or 4, yes they do understand what they are doing. Under 2, not really. So you do just have to keep redirecting until they lose interest.
posted by tinkletown at 9:57 AM on May 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
Itās natural behavior, but there are natural results of natural behavior. He is certainly old enough for a short time out or mild scolding, depending on which brings a better response. A pointed decrease in attention, or stopping playtime is a natural reaction. I donāt want to play or snuggle with someone who is pulling my hair, so I say āno, I donāt like that,ā leave him and go do something else for a bit.
Yelling wonāt help, it is just an entertaining reaction.
That sort of thing worked really well with my kids, except when it came to my daughter and the cat. They had to make their own peace with each other over the years, and I just patched up her scratches.
posted by SLC Mom at 10:02 AM on May 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
Yelling wonāt help, it is just an entertaining reaction.
That sort of thing worked really well with my kids, except when it came to my daughter and the cat. They had to make their own peace with each other over the years, and I just patched up her scratches.
posted by SLC Mom at 10:02 AM on May 14, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I came in to recommend Lansbury, too. Here's an article on ways to deal with the problematic behavior in the moment. Here is a podcast episode on the topic--I haven't listened to this one but her podcasts are great to understand the tone of voice she's talking about.
I have found her technique to be incredibly effective with my 16-month-old. I'd imagine at 21 months you might have to repeat it a few more times, but other than that, I think it will work! I just calmly put my hand in front of him, say "I won't let you bite/hit/etc." If he repeats the behavior in that moment, I offer him an alternative--a teether to bite or a pillow to hit. If he tries for the original target again, I say "You're having trouble not hitting. I'm going to help you move away from your friend." Then hold him somewhere else until he calms down and runs off to play again.
As far as handling the behavior at the daycare, I'd ask them to follow these three steps, but getting them to do it may be hit or miss.
And here's an article on "losing the labels," along the lines of what tinkletown urged.
It's a natural instinct to feel embarrassed about our kid's bad behavior, as if that reflects on us, but really: it doesn't! All of this is normal for toddlers, and if you can reframe it that way, I find it really helps me be calm in the moment when I have to respond.
posted by CiaoMela at 10:06 AM on May 14, 2018 [8 favorites]
I have found her technique to be incredibly effective with my 16-month-old. I'd imagine at 21 months you might have to repeat it a few more times, but other than that, I think it will work! I just calmly put my hand in front of him, say "I won't let you bite/hit/etc." If he repeats the behavior in that moment, I offer him an alternative--a teether to bite or a pillow to hit. If he tries for the original target again, I say "You're having trouble not hitting. I'm going to help you move away from your friend." Then hold him somewhere else until he calms down and runs off to play again.
As far as handling the behavior at the daycare, I'd ask them to follow these three steps, but getting them to do it may be hit or miss.
And here's an article on "losing the labels," along the lines of what tinkletown urged.
It's a natural instinct to feel embarrassed about our kid's bad behavior, as if that reflects on us, but really: it doesn't! All of this is normal for toddlers, and if you can reframe it that way, I find it really helps me be calm in the moment when I have to respond.
posted by CiaoMela at 10:06 AM on May 14, 2018 [8 favorites]
This is pretty normal at his age! Our day care used the term "gentle touches" as a sort-of reprimand, plus physically moving the child away from the victim. There was a little bit of having to "sit out," which wasn't supposed to be a punishment so much as a reminder to the child that not touching gently caused the loss of play time.
Don't despair that your kid will be a bully. At age 2, my daughter was the class biter. Eight years later, we are good friends with the couple we met because their son was our daughter's preferred victim. She is 10 and mortified if we bring it up.
posted by Knowyournuts at 10:23 AM on May 14, 2018
Don't despair that your kid will be a bully. At age 2, my daughter was the class biter. Eight years later, we are good friends with the couple we met because their son was our daughter's preferred victim. She is 10 and mortified if we bring it up.
posted by Knowyournuts at 10:23 AM on May 14, 2018
At that age it's also helpful to demonstrate and practice gentle touch, so a "No, that hurts, let's do a gentle touch" (and then guide his hand to do a gentle stroke on your hair or the other kid's arm or whatever). That begins to give him an alternative when he's in the 'interesting thing->I want to touch it->??' sequence.
posted by Ausamor at 10:25 AM on May 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Ausamor at 10:25 AM on May 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
Super normal toddler behavior. Some almost two year olds are regularly chompy and grabby, others less. Then they grow out of it as they develop better language and self-control.
In the mean time, when lil chompy is aggressive with someone, pay attention to the adult or child they were aggressive with. "Are you ok?" and if appropriate a comforting hug. This way you don't inadvertently reinforce chomping and grabbing as a way to get parents' attention.
posted by zippy at 10:27 AM on May 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
In the mean time, when lil chompy is aggressive with someone, pay attention to the adult or child they were aggressive with. "Are you ok?" and if appropriate a comforting hug. This way you don't inadvertently reinforce chomping and grabbing as a way to get parents' attention.
posted by zippy at 10:27 AM on May 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
Just because it's normal doesn't mean you don't teach him asap not to do it, and let him know it has consequences. Consequences should be immediate and definite. I'd remove him from yourself the instant he starts, not wait for the behavior to escalate. Use your "dog trainer voice " to say "no hitting, no biting." Ths doesn't have to be loud - he just needs to know you mean it. Keep it short and sweet, the fewer words you use the better. Reasoning and appealing to him just escalates the behavior. This isn't mean - this is being a responsible parent. And sorry, your feeble reactions are just encouraging the behavior because he doesn't really know if you care or not. Let him know you care. The daycare should be experts in appropriately stopping this - ask how they handle this and follow their lead.
posted by Gnella at 10:28 AM on May 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Gnella at 10:28 AM on May 14, 2018 [3 favorites]
Our daughter was a biter, too. We were mortified, but our excellent seen-it-all daycare supervisor said she'd either grow out of it or stop when someone else bit her. And that's what happened.
posted by kirkaracha at 10:55 AM on May 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by kirkaracha at 10:55 AM on May 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
This is a side note: you should avoid using the words "bully" and "bullying" here. Firstly, what you're describing isn't bullying. Bullying has a specific meaning. It's not the same as hitting, or yelling or taking someone else's toys.
Secondly, once you are in elementary school, using the word "bully" to a member of the school staff can set up serious administrative alarm bells. This will vary by school district, but many schools do things like keep permanent records of the fact that a child has been called a "bully". You really don't want to go there if you can avoid it!
Plus, he's not a bully.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 11:07 AM on May 14, 2018 [15 favorites]
Secondly, once you are in elementary school, using the word "bully" to a member of the school staff can set up serious administrative alarm bells. This will vary by school district, but many schools do things like keep permanent records of the fact that a child has been called a "bully". You really don't want to go there if you can avoid it!
Plus, he's not a bully.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 11:07 AM on May 14, 2018 [15 favorites]
No, Ouch, That hurts and he gets moved calmly to a high chair or crib where there is no interaction with others. Natural & logical consequences - if you do a thing that causes hurt, disapproval/ pain is voiced, and you get removed from the situation. For many behaviors, attention is a reinforcer, so the calm transport to a place with no interaction makes it clear that the behavior results in something undesirable. You can probably see that he has an inkling of understanding that this behavior is interesting. He's learning to have an effect on the world. At 21 months, the motivation is I like to grab things and When I do this I get attention and I would ascribing any avoid any other descriptions.
posted by theora55 at 11:14 AM on May 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 11:14 AM on May 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
We've just finished that phase. We read these three books with our two-year old:
Teeth Are Not for Biting
Hands Are Not for Hitting
Calm Down Time
Because we'd read the books several times together, we could reference the refrains whenever she lapsed back into biting or hitting, and she would make the connection. The main source of the problem was that she hadn't figured out what to do when she got frustrated/cornered/etc. other than those reactions. So it was a process of getting her to use her words, tell an adult she needed help or a hug, etc.
posted by chimpsonfilm at 11:36 AM on May 14, 2018 [9 favorites]
Teeth Are Not for Biting
Hands Are Not for Hitting
Calm Down Time
Because we'd read the books several times together, we could reference the refrains whenever she lapsed back into biting or hitting, and she would make the connection. The main source of the problem was that she hadn't figured out what to do when she got frustrated/cornered/etc. other than those reactions. So it was a process of getting her to use her words, tell an adult she needed help or a hug, etc.
posted by chimpsonfilm at 11:36 AM on May 14, 2018 [9 favorites]
Iād also encourage you to demonstrate to the person being bitten (and their parents) that you are Taking This Seriously.
We other parents know that some kids have this phase, but the infuriating thing was when the parent of the hair puller would say apologetically āitās the hair! He always pulls long hair!ā Like itās the fault of the hair. Or if theyād let it happen again, seeming to expect the other kid to go away, rather than removing their own.
What I mean is not an abject apology, just a āNO, we donāt biteā, to your own kid. An āIām very sorryā, to the parent/the other kid. And then remove the biter to where he canāt do harm.
I think apart from being courteous, that also demonstrates the seriousness of his behaviour to your kid.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:03 PM on May 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
We other parents know that some kids have this phase, but the infuriating thing was when the parent of the hair puller would say apologetically āitās the hair! He always pulls long hair!ā Like itās the fault of the hair. Or if theyād let it happen again, seeming to expect the other kid to go away, rather than removing their own.
What I mean is not an abject apology, just a āNO, we donāt biteā, to your own kid. An āIām very sorryā, to the parent/the other kid. And then remove the biter to where he canāt do harm.
I think apart from being courteous, that also demonstrates the seriousness of his behaviour to your kid.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:03 PM on May 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
First, don't be embarrassed - many, many kids do this kind of thing at that age. You need to help them learn better options but it should be no more embarrassing than a newly potty trained child having an accident. Not desirable but just a stage that you want to help them move through as gracefully as possible.
My son was biting at this age - he did it when he got frustrated. We started to give him time outs (2 minutes) and they worked really well because they gave him a chance to calm down. {Note that time-outs were a disaster with my daughter - she felt abandoned and would fight so hard to stay near us that it was clearly not working).
My son also figured out another solution - one of his little stuffed animals developed biting problem. Whenever the stuffed animal would bite someone, we would help my son give his little animal a time out, using the script we used with my son. (We would pretend that the bit hurt and say "Ow! Little animal, biting is not OK. You need a time out, go sit in your time out chair until he timer rings" and then my son would set the timer.) After a while, he seemed to be able to transfer the urge to bite to the stuffed animal so the animal was still giving pretend bites and having time outs but my son was able to avoid getting in trouble.
By the way, this was a kid who really wanted to be good and struggled in his preschool and early elementary years with what to do with his intense feelings of anger that wouldn't get him into trouble. I wish we had known the Mr. Rogers song because that was exactly his dilemma.
posted by metahawk at 12:59 PM on May 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
My son was biting at this age - he did it when he got frustrated. We started to give him time outs (2 minutes) and they worked really well because they gave him a chance to calm down. {Note that time-outs were a disaster with my daughter - she felt abandoned and would fight so hard to stay near us that it was clearly not working).
My son also figured out another solution - one of his little stuffed animals developed biting problem. Whenever the stuffed animal would bite someone, we would help my son give his little animal a time out, using the script we used with my son. (We would pretend that the bit hurt and say "Ow! Little animal, biting is not OK. You need a time out, go sit in your time out chair until he timer rings" and then my son would set the timer.) After a while, he seemed to be able to transfer the urge to bite to the stuffed animal so the animal was still giving pretend bites and having time outs but my son was able to avoid getting in trouble.
By the way, this was a kid who really wanted to be good and struggled in his preschool and early elementary years with what to do with his intense feelings of anger that wouldn't get him into trouble. I wish we had known the Mr. Rogers song because that was exactly his dilemma.
posted by metahawk at 12:59 PM on May 14, 2018 [5 favorites]
I practiced "bear hugs" and "bunny hugs" with my kid who tended to overwhelm peers at that age. It wasn't aggressiveness, it was not understanding which kind of hug was best in a given moment. Then we'd go to the playground and I could say "Oh, there's so-and-so, he likes bunny hugs!" as a cue to give the little hug (more of a pat on the shoulder, as I remember it).
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:15 PM on May 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:15 PM on May 14, 2018 [1 favorite]
Our pre-school handles it this way: depending on the reaction of the bitten child, they fetch the biting one if it has run away and return to the bitten child (or calm the bitten child down a little first if need be), sportscast what happened, put words to the consequences (e.g., it hurts, the bitten child is sad) and ask the biter to help the bitten child make it better and whether they can apologize. If the biter doesn't cooperate, the teacher models the behavior and uses a gentle touch on the bitten child, validates its reaction, and says that biting is not OK. In essence, teaching the child that did the biting to take responsibility.
posted by meijusa at 2:33 AM on May 15, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by meijusa at 2:33 AM on May 15, 2018 [2 favorites]
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Other ideas though - just telling him no doesn't do enough, he also needs to be informed that he is hurting someone:
"No! That hurts mommy. Owie owie owie. Be gentle with mommy."
posted by k8t at 9:44 AM on May 14, 2018 [6 favorites]