I'm too old for this ... stuff
May 8, 2018 7:09 AM Subscribe
How can I best extricate myself from/manage this absurd level of roommate drama?
Hi guys,
I'm going to try so hard to be brief but this is kind of a nutty situation.
I am in my early 30s and until recently lived with two other women, also about the same age. We live in one of those expensive, East Coast cities in which it is often impossible to live alone. About halfway through the lease, one of these ladies decided to leave a bit abruptly, leaving us with the sticky situation of trying to fill her room. Bonus is that the room is absolutely closet-sized; it is very tiny and hard to find a tenant willing to pay a large amount to live there. Under pressure from that roommate, the remaining roommate (R) and I agreed to live with the first reasonable-seeming person (L) who wanted to sublet the room through the rest of the lease. We agreed we would search for another person to sign a lease for a full year.
Main problem, however, is that L is a man, and R finds herself uncomfortable living with a man. I understand this. She agreed to do it with the understanding that it would be temporary. However, this roommate has turned out to be great. He is low-key, clean, respectful, and pays rent on time. He has inquired vaguely about signing the year lease, which I think would be great.
R hates this idea of living with a man and has gone about expressing it in immature ways - "oh, he is always in the common room, I don't like that." (he has no bedroom space!) "Oh, he asked my friends and me to keep it down when we were in the common room after midnight - how dare he impinge upon my right to have friends over!" All of these things seem pretty solvable to me with some basic discussion. I have expressed that I find this attitude kind of unreasonable and immature, but she's just digging her heels in. (This is a bit uncharacteristic of her, at least in my experience so far.) Perhaps she just has a deep-seated ambivalence towards living with a man, but she is not expressing it in an adult, clear way. Furthermore, she seems unimpressed by the looming possibility of not finding anyone else to fill the closet-sized room.
Here is the kicker - the management company would like us to have a third person sign by the end of May, or we will need to pay the first/last/security of that imaginary person ourselves. This is a not insignificant amount of money - $1100 per person - and I am really hoping to avoid paying it. I have said this to R multiple times but she seems to not quite grasp the significance of the money to me, instead harping on her right to "find a better fit" for the room. I believe her parents are paying her rent, which might explain this.
We are still showing the room to people but so far L is the only one still interested - and now, understandably, he is picking up that R is kind of hostile and reconsidering signing for the whole year. I am literally up at night with anxiety about this, wishing I could just move out and live alone and trying to figure out how to pay this fee and how to proceed. There may be a chance I am moving in with my partner sometime in the next year (another AskMe in itself) but I can't bank on that at the moment. I really like the apt - I like the location, I like the rent, I like the life I have set up for myself. But I can't live with this drama the way it is.
How do I proceed? Ask that she pay my half of the fee? Try to search for a new place? Unless someone magically comes forward in the next couple of weeks, I think that $1100 is gone, but perhaps it's worth it to just give us more time to find a person /for me to figure out how to get out of this situation? I've been living with roommates for a long time and I haven't dealt with this level of ridiculousness in about 10 years.
I'm so sorry for the wall of text - thanks, y'all.
Hi guys,
I'm going to try so hard to be brief but this is kind of a nutty situation.
I am in my early 30s and until recently lived with two other women, also about the same age. We live in one of those expensive, East Coast cities in which it is often impossible to live alone. About halfway through the lease, one of these ladies decided to leave a bit abruptly, leaving us with the sticky situation of trying to fill her room. Bonus is that the room is absolutely closet-sized; it is very tiny and hard to find a tenant willing to pay a large amount to live there. Under pressure from that roommate, the remaining roommate (R) and I agreed to live with the first reasonable-seeming person (L) who wanted to sublet the room through the rest of the lease. We agreed we would search for another person to sign a lease for a full year.
Main problem, however, is that L is a man, and R finds herself uncomfortable living with a man. I understand this. She agreed to do it with the understanding that it would be temporary. However, this roommate has turned out to be great. He is low-key, clean, respectful, and pays rent on time. He has inquired vaguely about signing the year lease, which I think would be great.
R hates this idea of living with a man and has gone about expressing it in immature ways - "oh, he is always in the common room, I don't like that." (he has no bedroom space!) "Oh, he asked my friends and me to keep it down when we were in the common room after midnight - how dare he impinge upon my right to have friends over!" All of these things seem pretty solvable to me with some basic discussion. I have expressed that I find this attitude kind of unreasonable and immature, but she's just digging her heels in. (This is a bit uncharacteristic of her, at least in my experience so far.) Perhaps she just has a deep-seated ambivalence towards living with a man, but she is not expressing it in an adult, clear way. Furthermore, she seems unimpressed by the looming possibility of not finding anyone else to fill the closet-sized room.
Here is the kicker - the management company would like us to have a third person sign by the end of May, or we will need to pay the first/last/security of that imaginary person ourselves. This is a not insignificant amount of money - $1100 per person - and I am really hoping to avoid paying it. I have said this to R multiple times but she seems to not quite grasp the significance of the money to me, instead harping on her right to "find a better fit" for the room. I believe her parents are paying her rent, which might explain this.
We are still showing the room to people but so far L is the only one still interested - and now, understandably, he is picking up that R is kind of hostile and reconsidering signing for the whole year. I am literally up at night with anxiety about this, wishing I could just move out and live alone and trying to figure out how to pay this fee and how to proceed. There may be a chance I am moving in with my partner sometime in the next year (another AskMe in itself) but I can't bank on that at the moment. I really like the apt - I like the location, I like the rent, I like the life I have set up for myself. But I can't live with this drama the way it is.
How do I proceed? Ask that she pay my half of the fee? Try to search for a new place? Unless someone magically comes forward in the next couple of weeks, I think that $1100 is gone, but perhaps it's worth it to just give us more time to find a person /for me to figure out how to get out of this situation? I've been living with roommates for a long time and I haven't dealt with this level of ridiculousness in about 10 years.
I'm so sorry for the wall of text - thanks, y'all.
How does your new male roommate feel about this? If the two of you are compatible (which is a fucking feat, do not squander this!), can you talk to him privately about getting a new place together, or if he has an idea for a third roommate who might be a better fit than your current existing female roommate? Maybe he even has some female friends who are looking for roommates. If so, a talk with the existing female roommate would go something like, "Clive and I enjoy living together and things are going well, but you have been increasingly hostile towards him, and me, in these past couple of weeks. We also have some serious concerns about the money for the deposit, which is a lot of money for us but seemingly not for you, so you have been more cavalier with your choices than we can afford to be. We think it would be best if you looked for another place to live when the lease runs out, so you can live with only women in the kind of housing situation that best meets your needs."
If leases turn over every year in your building, signing a new lease with you, Clive, and a new third person and voting her off the island is absolutely an option. Life is too short to live with a rude roommate.
posted by juniperesque at 7:21 AM on May 8, 2018 [18 favorites]
If leases turn over every year in your building, signing a new lease with you, Clive, and a new third person and voting her off the island is absolutely an option. Life is too short to live with a rude roommate.
posted by juniperesque at 7:21 AM on May 8, 2018 [18 favorites]
Response by poster: One important caveat - R and I re-signed the lease (along with the now-absent third roommate) in February, so our names are already on it. The May deadline is for adding the third person, but technically the two of us already signed the lease for the following year. We had to sign it six months in advance because that's how the management company works, which is also insane, but there you have it.
posted by bookgirl18 at 7:29 AM on May 8, 2018
posted by bookgirl18 at 7:29 AM on May 8, 2018
I don't know. You said that you and she talked about this and agreed that it would be temporary. Now, you're trying to back out of that agreement for your own comfort while ignoring her needs, which it sounds like she did clearly state when you made that agreement as well as when she initially moved into a home occupied only by women.
In her shoes, I would feel upset, betrayed and unsafe. Her way of dealing with it isn't ideal, but I don't think that she is totally at fault here. It's unfair of you to expect her to change what she is okay with and what she signed up for and it sounds like you're kind of railroading her and using the money angle to pressure her. That would be hard to take, especially since you had found a woman to live there before.
Why not sit down with her and try to figure out a solution to this problem together? Ask her what her plan is if you have to pay the penalty, what her suggestions are to solve the problem... Not in a judgmental or demanding way, but actually try to understand where she is coming from instead of making assumptions and applying pressure.
posted by windykites at 7:31 AM on May 8, 2018 [37 favorites]
In her shoes, I would feel upset, betrayed and unsafe. Her way of dealing with it isn't ideal, but I don't think that she is totally at fault here. It's unfair of you to expect her to change what she is okay with and what she signed up for and it sounds like you're kind of railroading her and using the money angle to pressure her. That would be hard to take, especially since you had found a woman to live there before.
Why not sit down with her and try to figure out a solution to this problem together? Ask her what her plan is if you have to pay the penalty, what her suggestions are to solve the problem... Not in a judgmental or demanding way, but actually try to understand where she is coming from instead of making assumptions and applying pressure.
posted by windykites at 7:31 AM on May 8, 2018 [37 favorites]
"Under pressure from that roommate, the remaining roommate (R) and I agreed to live with the first reasonable-seeming person (L) who wanted to sublet the room through the rest of the lease. We agreed we would search for another person to sign a lease for a full year. [...] R finds herself uncomfortable living with a man. I understand this. She agreed to do it with the understanding that it would be temporary."
The way I see it, the fact that you like L and feel R has very juvenile objections to L is beside the point. Together, you and R agreed that L would only be staying through the end of your current lease, and you would both sign on for the following year. Now you want to change that agreement (albeit for compelling reasons!) but it's really not cool to steamroll over your original agreement with R because it's expedient.
It's time for you and R to both seek out another roommate, pronto, who will satisfy both of you. You also need to come up with a plan that you both agree to for what happens if you don't find this person by the end of May.
posted by prewar lemonade at 7:32 AM on May 8, 2018 [10 favorites]
The way I see it, the fact that you like L and feel R has very juvenile objections to L is beside the point. Together, you and R agreed that L would only be staying through the end of your current lease, and you would both sign on for the following year. Now you want to change that agreement (albeit for compelling reasons!) but it's really not cool to steamroll over your original agreement with R because it's expedient.
It's time for you and R to both seek out another roommate, pronto, who will satisfy both of you. You also need to come up with a plan that you both agree to for what happens if you don't find this person by the end of May.
posted by prewar lemonade at 7:32 AM on May 8, 2018 [10 favorites]
But R did express her preference in an adult, clear, non-dramatic way. She said clearly, in an "adult" way, (?) that she was not comfortable living with a man. She agreed to live with a man temporarily as a stop-gap. Now R is letting you know how she is still, unsurprisingly, not comfortable living with a man. It might not make sense to you, but all these complaints are R saying: yes, I am still not comfortable living with a man. A man in the common room makes her uncomfortable. It doesn't matter that there's a lack of space and he needs to use the common room, it just makes her uncomfortable for him to be in the common room, which is why he should not live there. She said this from the get-go.
So that is not drama, and it is not immature, it is her preference to not live with a man in her space. In fact, not to be unkind, but you are the one making it unclear, because you're worried about the money and because you don't get her discomfort in a visceral way.
That said, you all need to figure out how to deal with the fact that this roommate **is leaving** because R does not want to live with a man. It is no different than if your previous roommate left after her lease was up. It sucks, but that is what living in NYC or Boston means -- scrambling for large sums of rent deposits etc. It's not because R is unreasonable. It's because you need a new roommate. You do NOT have a roommate already set up, because R does not want to live with a man. That's her right.
posted by velveeta underground at 7:36 AM on May 8, 2018 [27 favorites]
So that is not drama, and it is not immature, it is her preference to not live with a man in her space. In fact, not to be unkind, but you are the one making it unclear, because you're worried about the money and because you don't get her discomfort in a visceral way.
That said, you all need to figure out how to deal with the fact that this roommate **is leaving** because R does not want to live with a man. It is no different than if your previous roommate left after her lease was up. It sucks, but that is what living in NYC or Boston means -- scrambling for large sums of rent deposits etc. It's not because R is unreasonable. It's because you need a new roommate. You do NOT have a roommate already set up, because R does not want to live with a man. That's her right.
posted by velveeta underground at 7:36 AM on May 8, 2018 [27 favorites]
I would also add that you should both inform L directly that he won't be able to sign on for the next year, so he can find a new situation as soon as possible. Also, for your own sanity, for the remainder of L's tenure, I would suggest shutting down R any time she complains about L. It's perfectly fine to say that you think the behavior he's describing is not problematic to you, or just go "hmm, ok" and change the subject. It's not on your to engage in or resolve their conflicts unless they directly affect you. (Sorry if I sounded harsh- I'd be frustrated with the situation as well if I were in your shoes!)
posted by prewar lemonade at 7:40 AM on May 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by prewar lemonade at 7:40 AM on May 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
It's R's right not to want to live with a man, but it does not seem fair for OP to pay $1100 out of her own pocket to meet that need of R's. If the only person willing to rent that room is male, and if R is unwilling to accept that person as a roommate, I think R needs to pay both her share and OP's share.
posted by halation at 7:40 AM on May 8, 2018 [26 favorites]
posted by halation at 7:40 AM on May 8, 2018 [26 favorites]
I'm agreeing with those upthread who feel that you're trying to make a material change in what you agreed with remaining roommate. Her way of communicating this isn't the best, but maybe she's being indirect because she is avoiding confrontation?
You may feel some sympathy to dude roommate who has proven to be a good roommate, and you don't want him to have to go through the difficulty of finding a place himself. A roommate search exposes you yet again to the possibility of getting a bad roommate. If you're hinting to him that you're hoping he can stay, without the other roommate agreeing, this may be false hope, and you would be doing him a favour by being realistic about his prospects so he can search for a place.
You need to sit down with your female roommate and have a conversation about how to proceed, and be open to the likelihood that you will have to start yet another roommate search for someone who is agreeable to both you. You have to share the work of this. She's holding you to the agreement you both made. If down the road, new roommate isn't perfect, you can't be blaming existing female roommate for that. Own your part of this completely.
The $1100 should come back to you once a new roommate arrives, no? If you're concerned about that cash, it should be part of the terms of the new roommate coming in.
posted by thenormshow at 7:46 AM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
You may feel some sympathy to dude roommate who has proven to be a good roommate, and you don't want him to have to go through the difficulty of finding a place himself. A roommate search exposes you yet again to the possibility of getting a bad roommate. If you're hinting to him that you're hoping he can stay, without the other roommate agreeing, this may be false hope, and you would be doing him a favour by being realistic about his prospects so he can search for a place.
You need to sit down with your female roommate and have a conversation about how to proceed, and be open to the likelihood that you will have to start yet another roommate search for someone who is agreeable to both you. You have to share the work of this. She's holding you to the agreement you both made. If down the road, new roommate isn't perfect, you can't be blaming existing female roommate for that. Own your part of this completely.
The $1100 should come back to you once a new roommate arrives, no? If you're concerned about that cash, it should be part of the terms of the new roommate coming in.
posted by thenormshow at 7:46 AM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
It's R's right not to want to live with a man, but it does not seem fair for OP to pay $1100 out of her own pocket to meet that need of R's. If the only person willing to rent that room is male, and if R is unwilling to accept that person as a roommate, I think R needs to pay both her share and OP's share.
That would be the case had the OP not agreed to accommodate this preference of R's. To suddenly decide that it would now be inconvenient to have to find another roommate could be perceived as bait-and-switch by R, and rightfully so, IMO.
posted by peacheater at 7:46 AM on May 8, 2018 [8 favorites]
That would be the case had the OP not agreed to accommodate this preference of R's. To suddenly decide that it would now be inconvenient to have to find another roommate could be perceived as bait-and-switch by R, and rightfully so, IMO.
posted by peacheater at 7:46 AM on May 8, 2018 [8 favorites]
you R and previous roommate were compatible. previous roommate shafted you and R and you had to scramble.
now, you and R have to find someone who works for both you and R. are you and R doing that? if not, why not?
it doesn't really matter that L works for you, i mean, that's necessary but not sufficient. for whatever reasons, and it doesn't matter what, just that you honor them, R wants to have a space without men. and that's ok.
so you and R can either work together to find such a roommate, or talk through next steps. but it seems to me like there's a missing piece here: are you and R doing a search? and if you can't find someone to take a tiny room at price X, do you have a contingency plan for either lowering that price, or facing the reality that there are no other roommates willing to pony up, and can you live with L?
posted by zippy at 7:48 AM on May 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
now, you and R have to find someone who works for both you and R. are you and R doing that? if not, why not?
it doesn't really matter that L works for you, i mean, that's necessary but not sufficient. for whatever reasons, and it doesn't matter what, just that you honor them, R wants to have a space without men. and that's ok.
so you and R can either work together to find such a roommate, or talk through next steps. but it seems to me like there's a missing piece here: are you and R doing a search? and if you can't find someone to take a tiny room at price X, do you have a contingency plan for either lowering that price, or facing the reality that there are no other roommates willing to pony up, and can you live with L?
posted by zippy at 7:48 AM on May 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
It's R's right not to want to live with a man, but it does not seem fair for OP to pay $1100 out of her own pocket to meet that need of R's. If the only person willing to rent that room is male, and if R is unwilling to accept that person as a roommate, I think R needs to pay both her share and OP's share.
No, because a man is not even a contender. Both residents deserve to be comfortable in their space, and they have to be looking together to make it work. Otherwise OP has to move. If you can't get 1100 for an emergency vacancy, you really can't live in an expensive apt. in NYC. Sorry.
posted by velveeta underground at 7:49 AM on May 8, 2018 [9 favorites]
No, because a man is not even a contender. Both residents deserve to be comfortable in their space, and they have to be looking together to make it work. Otherwise OP has to move. If you can't get 1100 for an emergency vacancy, you really can't live in an expensive apt. in NYC. Sorry.
posted by velveeta underground at 7:49 AM on May 8, 2018 [9 favorites]
The issue isn't one of 'inconvenience' -- they haven't found anyone else to rent the room, despite showing it. It's not clear to me whether both OP and R are taking on the responsibility of listing the room and seeking another roommate, but if R isn't actively working on that front, R needs to be.
It seems to me that R's preference stems partly from having the financial luxury to insist upon accommodation for that preference. This is a financial luxury that OP does not have. If a roommate that meets R's needs is eventually found, that roommate could pay the security deposit, and that money could go to R in compensation for her floating the payment now, but I don't think the full financial burden should fall on OP. $1100 is a huge amount of money!
posted by halation at 7:53 AM on May 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
It seems to me that R's preference stems partly from having the financial luxury to insist upon accommodation for that preference. This is a financial luxury that OP does not have. If a roommate that meets R's needs is eventually found, that roommate could pay the security deposit, and that money could go to R in compensation for her floating the payment now, but I don't think the full financial burden should fall on OP. $1100 is a huge amount of money!
posted by halation at 7:53 AM on May 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: (not threadsitting, just clarifying that yes, we have both taken on the responsibility of listing and showing the room. That's totally fine. It's just a really tough sell.)
posted by bookgirl18 at 7:59 AM on May 8, 2018
posted by bookgirl18 at 7:59 AM on May 8, 2018
One important caveat - R and I re-signed the lease (along with the now-absent third roommate) in February, so our names are already on it. The May deadline is for adding the third person, but technically the two of us already signed the lease for the following year. We had to sign it six months in advance because that's how the management company works, which is also insane, but there you have it.
Then why does the management company need a new third signature and more deposits? The departed roommate is still on the hook and her deposits and required advance rent payments have been made, and the current rent is being paid by the three present roommates. Did she somehow get her deposits back? How did that happen? IOW, what's the basis for the May 31 deadline?
posted by JimN2TAW at 8:00 AM on May 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
Then why does the management company need a new third signature and more deposits? The departed roommate is still on the hook and her deposits and required advance rent payments have been made, and the current rent is being paid by the three present roommates. Did she somehow get her deposits back? How did that happen? IOW, what's the basis for the May 31 deadline?
posted by JimN2TAW at 8:00 AM on May 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
I realize this is not a perfect solution, but if the room is unrentable as is, why don't either you or R move into the small room and rent out your current (presumably larger and more enticing) room?
posted by Liesl at 8:02 AM on May 8, 2018 [24 favorites]
posted by Liesl at 8:02 AM on May 8, 2018 [24 favorites]
Yeah, the only way to 'sell' a small room is to make it more marketable. You and R each take on more rent payments, making the small room's rent more reasonable, or keep looking for a new roommate at the current price, knowing that it will likely cost you the cost of the deposit. There are no good solutions for insane rents.
posted by tooloudinhere at 8:10 AM on May 8, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by tooloudinhere at 8:10 AM on May 8, 2018 [9 favorites]
R may be expressing herself in an immature way, but she has been clear all along that she does not want to live with a man. Stop trying to force this situation on her. Find another solution.
If it is easier to rent a large room, perhaps one of you could move into the small room? Just a thought.
Also, when you do find a new roommate to add to the lease she will pay you and R the security deposit, correct? So this will just be a temporary shortage of funds, at least.
posted by SLC Mom at 8:12 AM on May 8, 2018 [4 favorites]
If it is easier to rent a large room, perhaps one of you could move into the small room? Just a thought.
Also, when you do find a new roommate to add to the lease she will pay you and R the security deposit, correct? So this will just be a temporary shortage of funds, at least.
posted by SLC Mom at 8:12 AM on May 8, 2018 [4 favorites]
This obviously isn't an ideal situation for anyone and I sympathize with you, but R's expressed objection to living with a man beyond this temporary stopgap, which it sounds like you previously agreed to without caveats, seems to me to be the most important factor here. She doesn't want L to stay, and you agreed that L was only temporary, so L goes.
Which leaves the separate question of what comes next. I think you would not be out of bounds to ask if there's some middle ground - if she's more comfortable financially than you are right now, and it's her valid but still complication-causing preferences that are the driving factor here, even though you had agreed to them earlier, could she perhaps cover 2/3 instead of 1/2 of the fees for not finding a replacement tenant? Or would she be willing to pay a higher rent to discount the other room to get someone into it?
There's a discussion to be had there, but it's not going to be had until you've moved past the sensitive issue of L, and on to "okay, what do we do after he moves out." That's causing a lot of the drama, and you are the sticking point in that issue if you're trying to maintain a path for L to stay on. Honor your original agreement with her, and that drama goes away.
posted by Stacey at 8:13 AM on May 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
Which leaves the separate question of what comes next. I think you would not be out of bounds to ask if there's some middle ground - if she's more comfortable financially than you are right now, and it's her valid but still complication-causing preferences that are the driving factor here, even though you had agreed to them earlier, could she perhaps cover 2/3 instead of 1/2 of the fees for not finding a replacement tenant? Or would she be willing to pay a higher rent to discount the other room to get someone into it?
There's a discussion to be had there, but it's not going to be had until you've moved past the sensitive issue of L, and on to "okay, what do we do after he moves out." That's causing a lot of the drama, and you are the sticking point in that issue if you're trying to maintain a path for L to stay on. Honor your original agreement with her, and that drama goes away.
posted by Stacey at 8:13 AM on May 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
I totally sympathise with you, but I think the right thing to do is honour the original deal you made with your roommate. This guy was suppose to be temporary. I get that he works for you as a roommate, but he does not work as a third person in this house-share. He wouldn't even be on the short list if he applied now. You have to let L go, it's not gonna happen in a way that makes a happy home.
You agreed he was a temporary solution and that's what he is. You're no worse off than when you originally made that agreement since the temporary nature of his stay is now at an end and you knew all along that he was not a long-term solution that works for R.
I also don't think R owes you any money. She's asking you to keep your end of the bargain that you proposed. At least you were able to sublet for some of the time and you were able to kick the can down the field, but this is really a natural consequence of how you and R set up the situation back when L moved in.
posted by like_neon at 8:17 AM on May 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
You agreed he was a temporary solution and that's what he is. You're no worse off than when you originally made that agreement since the temporary nature of his stay is now at an end and you knew all along that he was not a long-term solution that works for R.
I also don't think R owes you any money. She's asking you to keep your end of the bargain that you proposed. At least you were able to sublet for some of the time and you were able to kick the can down the field, but this is really a natural consequence of how you and R set up the situation back when L moved in.
posted by like_neon at 8:17 AM on May 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
As to a solution, what if you and L looked for a place somewhere else together?
Or you guys change how the room rates are divided and pay a bit more on your own rents and lower the rent on the smaller room. It might still cost you $1100 in the long run but at least it won't be in one chunk and you'll have a lease for another year.
(editing out my last sentence, I re-read your post and realised that $2200 is not the room rate, but the total of first/last/security)
posted by like_neon at 8:26 AM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
Or you guys change how the room rates are divided and pay a bit more on your own rents and lower the rent on the smaller room. It might still cost you $1100 in the long run but at least it won't be in one chunk and you'll have a lease for another year.
(editing out my last sentence, I re-read your post and realised that $2200 is not the room rate, but the total of first/last/security)
posted by like_neon at 8:26 AM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
If the three of you can't have a reasonable discussion about R's discomfort living with a man, then I don't think any of you should force the issue of the three of you being roommates, no matter how good a fit L may otherwise seem to be. Is there anything L can do to make R feel more comfortable? Can you guys all talk about it? If not, then she should tell him that's the problem so he can start looking for a new place. I know $1100 is a lot of money, but the three of you need to be able to find good solutions that are mostly agreeable to everyone in order to live together peacefully anyway. Don't settle for an inherently untenable situation if you really don't have to.
posted by juliplease at 8:27 AM on May 8, 2018
posted by juliplease at 8:27 AM on May 8, 2018
I have said this to R multiple times but she seems to not quite grasp the significance of the money to me, instead harping on her right to "find a better fit" for the room.
Your money is not more important than her ability to be able to sleep at night while actually feeling safe. I would not feel safe in this circumstance. Lots of women have incredibly good reasons to feel unsafe sharing living space with men, especially men they don't know particularly well. I'm sorry that this makes this more expensive for you, but the time for working out if that was going to cost more than you could afford was before you guys signed a new lease. The fact that you agreed to this, you signed for this, and now you want to change the terms because it's turned out to be more expensive than you planned on is a planning problem for you, and that's the part you need to work out, not persuading R to sacrifice her ability to sleep at night for your wallet. She's already made compromises on this; it's your turn, now.
posted by Sequence at 8:48 AM on May 8, 2018 [18 favorites]
Your money is not more important than her ability to be able to sleep at night while actually feeling safe. I would not feel safe in this circumstance. Lots of women have incredibly good reasons to feel unsafe sharing living space with men, especially men they don't know particularly well. I'm sorry that this makes this more expensive for you, but the time for working out if that was going to cost more than you could afford was before you guys signed a new lease. The fact that you agreed to this, you signed for this, and now you want to change the terms because it's turned out to be more expensive than you planned on is a planning problem for you, and that's the part you need to work out, not persuading R to sacrifice her ability to sleep at night for your wallet. She's already made compromises on this; it's your turn, now.
posted by Sequence at 8:48 AM on May 8, 2018 [18 favorites]
While it is your flatmate's right to prefer a second female flatmate over a male, her preference won't magically conjure another woman who's interested. And if this person doesn't appear then other options need to be considered.
There are a load of comments here about your flatmate's right to not want to live with a man. And while I'd agree that she has a right to that preference, all this seems to ignore the reality that no other female flatmate has been forthcoming, and that pretty soon you'll be left with an empty room and a hefty bill, despite having someone perfectly willing to pay for and occupy the space. (Also, OP never specifically said R was against a male flatmate from the start, only that she would accept the departing person's replacement temporarily, and that after the fact she was uncomfortable with his being male. So the chastising of the OP for breaking a 'no men' agreement doesn't seem to apply.)
Sounds like it's worth having a come-to-Jesus convo with her about her expectations and how to deal with this. What happens if, after another week, or a fortnight, there is nobody else interested? Is she going to kick out your male flatmate and leave the room empty just because she doesn't want to live with a man? Is she going to demand you find the money even though she's insisted that someone perfectly willing and able was kicked out? There is a difference between accommodating her preferences and subsidising them.
If no other interested parties step up and you're fine with the male flatmate staying on, then I would argue that she's within her right to ask him to leave, but then the onus of fiduciary responsibility falls to her shoulders. She covers that gap, because the gap is only there due to her requirements. Either that or she offers her room to prospective flatmates and takes the tiny room herself/pays a higher percentage to make the tiny room more attractive, if that will get her the female flatmate she prefers.
If she refuses these options, I'd explore finding somewhere else to live, possibly with your male flatmate.
posted by myotahapea at 9:13 AM on May 8, 2018 [16 favorites]
There are a load of comments here about your flatmate's right to not want to live with a man. And while I'd agree that she has a right to that preference, all this seems to ignore the reality that no other female flatmate has been forthcoming, and that pretty soon you'll be left with an empty room and a hefty bill, despite having someone perfectly willing to pay for and occupy the space. (Also, OP never specifically said R was against a male flatmate from the start, only that she would accept the departing person's replacement temporarily, and that after the fact she was uncomfortable with his being male. So the chastising of the OP for breaking a 'no men' agreement doesn't seem to apply.)
Sounds like it's worth having a come-to-Jesus convo with her about her expectations and how to deal with this. What happens if, after another week, or a fortnight, there is nobody else interested? Is she going to kick out your male flatmate and leave the room empty just because she doesn't want to live with a man? Is she going to demand you find the money even though she's insisted that someone perfectly willing and able was kicked out? There is a difference between accommodating her preferences and subsidising them.
If no other interested parties step up and you're fine with the male flatmate staying on, then I would argue that she's within her right to ask him to leave, but then the onus of fiduciary responsibility falls to her shoulders. She covers that gap, because the gap is only there due to her requirements. Either that or she offers her room to prospective flatmates and takes the tiny room herself/pays a higher percentage to make the tiny room more attractive, if that will get her the female flatmate she prefers.
If she refuses these options, I'd explore finding somewhere else to live, possibly with your male flatmate.
posted by myotahapea at 9:13 AM on May 8, 2018 [16 favorites]
I agree with those pointing out that you're trying to reneg on the agreement you had with her that L would be temporary. Unless you and L jump ship and find a new place together without R (which would be shitty but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do), L needs to leave at the end of his temporary term and you need to sit down with R asap to have a calm adult discussion about your options. These are the same options you would have if L didn't exist and you were having trouble finding a third roommate of any gender.
As an aside, isn't the $2200 payment temporary? Once you find a new roommate, won't they pay you back essentially?
Some ideas, some repeated from above because I agree they're smart ideas:
* go back to the management company and ask them for more time, e.g. can you delay finding a new roommate till end of June to give you more breathing room?
* charge a bit less for the third room
* you or R move into the third room
* you and R look for a new place together
* you move out alone, as it sounds like you may not actually be able to afford this place given the difficulty of keeping the third room rented at all times
* R pays a larger share of the $2200 since the preference for a female roommate is hers (note: I don't think she is obligated to do this, as you agreed to honor her preference. But you two do need to come to some solution here and maybe she would be amenable to this.)
posted by whitelily at 9:21 AM on May 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
As an aside, isn't the $2200 payment temporary? Once you find a new roommate, won't they pay you back essentially?
Some ideas, some repeated from above because I agree they're smart ideas:
* go back to the management company and ask them for more time, e.g. can you delay finding a new roommate till end of June to give you more breathing room?
* charge a bit less for the third room
* you or R move into the third room
* you and R look for a new place together
* you move out alone, as it sounds like you may not actually be able to afford this place given the difficulty of keeping the third room rented at all times
* R pays a larger share of the $2200 since the preference for a female roommate is hers (note: I don't think she is obligated to do this, as you agreed to honor her preference. But you two do need to come to some solution here and maybe she would be amenable to this.)
posted by whitelily at 9:21 AM on May 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
(Also, OP never specifically said R was against a male flatmate from the start, only that she would accept the departing person's replacement temporarily, and that after the fact she was uncomfortable with his being male. So the chastising of the OP for breaking a 'no men' agreement doesn't seem to apply.)
From the OP's post: "Main problem, however, is that L is a man, and R finds herself uncomfortable living with a man. I understand this. She agreed to do it with the understanding that it would be temporary."
I'm reading this as R's reason for accepting L temporarily was his gender and most others are as well, though I agree it could be read other ways. Perhaps the OP can clarify? (Though I'm not even sure it matters - either way, OP and R had an agreement that L would be temporary based on his gender. Whether they came to that agreement the day before he moved in or the day after he moved in seems not to matter.)
posted by whitelily at 9:28 AM on May 8, 2018
From the OP's post: "Main problem, however, is that L is a man, and R finds herself uncomfortable living with a man. I understand this. She agreed to do it with the understanding that it would be temporary."
I'm reading this as R's reason for accepting L temporarily was his gender and most others are as well, though I agree it could be read other ways. Perhaps the OP can clarify? (Though I'm not even sure it matters - either way, OP and R had an agreement that L would be temporary based on his gender. Whether they came to that agreement the day before he moved in or the day after he moved in seems not to matter.)
posted by whitelily at 9:28 AM on May 8, 2018
I think people are being oversimplistic in saying "you agreed L was temporary so he goes end of story."
I say this as a female with a personal preference to live with women. But at a certain financial point, I started to reconsider. Eventually, I lived in a lot of mixed-gender households for monetary reasons.
Similarly, it sounds possible that OP thought "sure, this can be temporary" until expensive deadlines started looming. I think we've all been in the situation of "I want ABC... Oh, that costs twice what I can afford? Okay, I'll settle for CDE."
OP, I'd suggest you sit down with R privately and talk about your money concerns. Try not to do it in a zero-sum way. Both your money concerns and her not-living-with-a-man concerns are valid and should be acknowledged. I think the conversation will go better if you start by acknowledging that you don't want her to live with a man if that's going to make her as uncomfortable as it sounds like it will. I don't know where things will go from there. Maybe she can help out with the money. Maybe she'll finally hear just how worried you are about money and reconsider her preferences. Maybe you two can agree to do a blitz of interviewing this weekend and then decide. This stuff is tough, but as you point out, adult communication is the best path to working things out.
posted by salvia at 9:28 AM on May 8, 2018 [7 favorites]
I say this as a female with a personal preference to live with women. But at a certain financial point, I started to reconsider. Eventually, I lived in a lot of mixed-gender households for monetary reasons.
Similarly, it sounds possible that OP thought "sure, this can be temporary" until expensive deadlines started looming. I think we've all been in the situation of "I want ABC... Oh, that costs twice what I can afford? Okay, I'll settle for CDE."
OP, I'd suggest you sit down with R privately and talk about your money concerns. Try not to do it in a zero-sum way. Both your money concerns and her not-living-with-a-man concerns are valid and should be acknowledged. I think the conversation will go better if you start by acknowledging that you don't want her to live with a man if that's going to make her as uncomfortable as it sounds like it will. I don't know where things will go from there. Maybe she can help out with the money. Maybe she'll finally hear just how worried you are about money and reconsider her preferences. Maybe you two can agree to do a blitz of interviewing this weekend and then decide. This stuff is tough, but as you point out, adult communication is the best path to working things out.
posted by salvia at 9:28 AM on May 8, 2018 [7 favorites]
From the tone of your writing, it sounds like you've soured on R at this point. Have you explored whether the leasing office will let you break the renewal without penalty at this point?
posted by Candleman at 9:48 AM on May 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Candleman at 9:48 AM on May 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
but then the onus of fiduciary responsibility falls to her shoulders. She covers that gap, because the gap is only there due to her requirements.
If R found a female roommate, but she came with a hive of bees that she wanted to place in the common area, and OP did not want to live with a hive of bees in her apartment, the gap would not be there only due to OP’s finicky requirements about not wanting to live with a hive of bees.
Strange men, to many, (including myself) are essentially a hive of bees.
In R’s view, she has lived with the hive of bees for months as a financial favor to you and she doesn’t want to do it anymore. That doesn’t make her the unreasonable one.
posted by corb at 9:57 AM on May 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
If R found a female roommate, but she came with a hive of bees that she wanted to place in the common area, and OP did not want to live with a hive of bees in her apartment, the gap would not be there only due to OP’s finicky requirements about not wanting to live with a hive of bees.
Strange men, to many, (including myself) are essentially a hive of bees.
In R’s view, she has lived with the hive of bees for months as a financial favor to you and she doesn’t want to do it anymore. That doesn’t make her the unreasonable one.
posted by corb at 9:57 AM on May 8, 2018 [5 favorites]
So wait. R wants to find a new female roommate, yes? But you have been trying to do that with no luck?
It sounds to me like R's condition is perfectly -reasonable- but maybe not -realistic- if you've been showing the room and not finding anyone. And maybe you, also, are reasonable but not realistic, if you think you can continue living in a place that requires more money from an additional third roommate than anyone-but-L is willing to pay.
I'm sympathetic to your point of view, though, in that you're ok with the status quo, and the status quo is achievable - in this one case, with this one guy. So you're marginally more reasonable than she is; but honestly it sounds like this apartment is just too expensive for you, if finding a female roommate is this impossible.
Maybe she could move to the small room herself, and you guys can see if you have better luck renting her better-size room to a female.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:58 AM on May 8, 2018 [4 favorites]
It sounds to me like R's condition is perfectly -reasonable- but maybe not -realistic- if you've been showing the room and not finding anyone. And maybe you, also, are reasonable but not realistic, if you think you can continue living in a place that requires more money from an additional third roommate than anyone-but-L is willing to pay.
I'm sympathetic to your point of view, though, in that you're ok with the status quo, and the status quo is achievable - in this one case, with this one guy. So you're marginally more reasonable than she is; but honestly it sounds like this apartment is just too expensive for you, if finding a female roommate is this impossible.
Maybe she could move to the small room herself, and you guys can see if you have better luck renting her better-size room to a female.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:58 AM on May 8, 2018 [4 favorites]
The mistake was having a guy move in at all, temporary or not, if anyone had reservations about it. Of course he was going to want to stay - moving sucks. It sounds like your roommate has not changed her position that she had reservations about it and now you have to deal with it.
I see the solution as aggressively searching for a replacement for the man and finding a woman who you both agree with. If you live in a large, expensive city, that probably means there is plenty of demand out there and you should be able to find someone to take it. If you can't find a replacement right away, then you guys are stuck sharing the cost somehow until the replacement starts paying.
When I was younger, I definitely worried about money in situations like this and got into roommate drama over money. But if you end up paying $550 while you search for a roommate that makes everyone happy, it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I'd try to stop having so much anxiety about this. At the end of the day, it's just money and it seems like a lot now, but won't in the long run.
Your other option is to move out. That will be stress and drama all of its own, but you can do it if you want to get away from having to solve this situation.
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:03 AM on May 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
I see the solution as aggressively searching for a replacement for the man and finding a woman who you both agree with. If you live in a large, expensive city, that probably means there is plenty of demand out there and you should be able to find someone to take it. If you can't find a replacement right away, then you guys are stuck sharing the cost somehow until the replacement starts paying.
When I was younger, I definitely worried about money in situations like this and got into roommate drama over money. But if you end up paying $550 while you search for a roommate that makes everyone happy, it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I'd try to stop having so much anxiety about this. At the end of the day, it's just money and it seems like a lot now, but won't in the long run.
Your other option is to move out. That will be stress and drama all of its own, but you can do it if you want to get away from having to solve this situation.
posted by AppleTurnover at 10:03 AM on May 8, 2018 [3 favorites]
If you can't find a tenant for that room at that price, then you need to drop the price. You and R have two options - as has been suggested above, one of you can move into the tiny room and try to rent out your (bigger, better) room, or you can both decide to pay more in rent and offer the tiny room at less money. Eventually you will find a price where a woman that you can agree on wants to move in.
posted by permiechickie at 10:17 AM on May 8, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by permiechickie at 10:17 AM on May 8, 2018 [7 favorites]
Your options are pretty limited here, and it doesn't sound like a great one is going to come along so it's worth considering what the least-bad outcome for you would be. I know that you've said you've already re-signed, but how much would it cost you to break the lease? How does that compare to the money you're going to have to spend if you have to eat part of the cost of an empty room for a month or two?
It would definitely be a bridge-burning option so I'd only consider it if you didn't want anything more to do with R (and yes, it would definitely put her in a bad position so that needs to factor in), but I don't think that breaking the lease and finding a place with L, if that's what you want to do, is entirely impossible.
posted by DingoMutt at 10:31 AM on May 8, 2018
It would definitely be a bridge-burning option so I'd only consider it if you didn't want anything more to do with R (and yes, it would definitely put her in a bad position so that needs to factor in), but I don't think that breaking the lease and finding a place with L, if that's what you want to do, is entirely impossible.
posted by DingoMutt at 10:31 AM on May 8, 2018
You are not being fair to R, and it is kinda gross of you to badger/pressure her into accepting a male roommate for the upcoming lease year after she has already explicitly stated she did not want a male roommate long-term (and you agreed and said you "understood" - well clearly you don't!).
Going forward, I hope you do not in any way continue to pressure R into accepting a male roommate. I do not think you understand how some women are fundamentally uncomfortable with living with males, and how this is absolutely a valid reason for a woman to want to NOT live with a male roommate. Currently, she is not just tolerating a living situation that makes her very uncomfortable - she is also facing pressure and gaslighting behavior from you because you are undermining, belittling and minimizing her very valid objections. Don't do this.
L is not an option, unless you want to keep bullying your way into making her accept L or somehow forcing her out of the apartment she's already signed a lease for. Both of you should focus on getting a new FEMALE roommate - whether it's by lowering that room's rent, or one of you moving into the smaller room, etc.
posted by aielen at 10:36 AM on May 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
Going forward, I hope you do not in any way continue to pressure R into accepting a male roommate. I do not think you understand how some women are fundamentally uncomfortable with living with males, and how this is absolutely a valid reason for a woman to want to NOT live with a male roommate. Currently, she is not just tolerating a living situation that makes her very uncomfortable - she is also facing pressure and gaslighting behavior from you because you are undermining, belittling and minimizing her very valid objections. Don't do this.
L is not an option, unless you want to keep bullying your way into making her accept L or somehow forcing her out of the apartment she's already signed a lease for. Both of you should focus on getting a new FEMALE roommate - whether it's by lowering that room's rent, or one of you moving into the smaller room, etc.
posted by aielen at 10:36 AM on May 8, 2018 [6 favorites]
Agreed that the small room is clearly not priced well and you need to reassess how rent is divided. Use this NYT calculator to figure out a fair price for the rooms.
One benefit to any of the east coast cities is that it's the norm to be filling rooms at the last minute, and you really do have some time to fill it for June 1. Don't panic yet. You could also offer the option of it being furnished to make it more enticing to people moving last minute (especially for a partial year). That may be cheaper than leaving it empty, and isn't so hard, just requires coordinating an IKEA trip.
Whatever you do, please give L as much notice as possible about when you want him out (he should have a month to househunt if he needs to). It's not clear, but would everyone agree to him subletting for June if you feel the need for a longer replacement search?
posted by veery at 10:43 AM on May 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
One benefit to any of the east coast cities is that it's the norm to be filling rooms at the last minute, and you really do have some time to fill it for June 1. Don't panic yet. You could also offer the option of it being furnished to make it more enticing to people moving last minute (especially for a partial year). That may be cheaper than leaving it empty, and isn't so hard, just requires coordinating an IKEA trip.
Whatever you do, please give L as much notice as possible about when you want him out (he should have a month to househunt if he needs to). It's not clear, but would everyone agree to him subletting for June if you feel the need for a longer replacement search?
posted by veery at 10:43 AM on May 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
Drop the price of the closet you are renting as a bedroom, split the cost of that with R. Done.
posted by jbenben at 10:50 AM on May 8, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by jbenben at 10:50 AM on May 8, 2018 [4 favorites]
It's not clear, but would everyone agree to him subletting for June if you feel the need for a longer replacement search?
That's a good suggestion for a compromise. He gets to stay until you guys find a female roommate. You agree to give him 30 days notice or whatever. In the meantime, he covers first, last, deposit to be reimbursed by the new person.
posted by salvia at 12:00 PM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
That's a good suggestion for a compromise. He gets to stay until you guys find a female roommate. You agree to give him 30 days notice or whatever. In the meantime, he covers first, last, deposit to be reimbursed by the new person.
posted by salvia at 12:00 PM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks, all, for the advice, which has definitely helped me see things more from her perspective.
The lease actually begins August 1 - we are supposed to make changes to the lease before June 1 or pay this penalty (which is $2200 ... my share is $1100). We have so far agreed to let L stay through August 1, but technically we are supposed to get someone to sign the August 1 lease by June 1. He has more than enough time to find another place by then. And theoretically, we have many months as well ... the rush is just to avoid paying this fee, which we may just have to eat and possibly get back later (though that isn't clear either).
R and I have really talked, openly and honestly ... We do generally get along, although she just seems less experienced at living with people. We have discussed both paying more to lower the rent for that room, which we may still do. It is definitely already the smallest share of the rent, and it's a good price for the area, but ... it's just an expensive place in the heart of Cambridge. The roommate who left had also previously moved into the small room in this exact same situation, so there is a history of difficulty filling this room. I just ... don't want to move in to it. Neither does she. Perhaps that makes me entitled or something, but I came from a smaller bedroom and agreed to pay more for the largest room in the place, knowing it would make the quality of my life much better. I'm not giving that up.
R's expectations for finding someone just seem unrealistic - I had to talk her out of asking each prospective roommate to provide us a list of former roommate references to call. The reality is, as some people mentioned above, there are/have been literally zero other prospective roommates, despite lots of effort. I'm just concerned that we will have this guy, or no one else. I have shown the room to at least 10 people over the last few months. But, we do in reality have more time to fill the room before L moves out. Just not before we have to pay the management company. If that makes sense.
posted by bookgirl18 at 12:11 PM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
The lease actually begins August 1 - we are supposed to make changes to the lease before June 1 or pay this penalty (which is $2200 ... my share is $1100). We have so far agreed to let L stay through August 1, but technically we are supposed to get someone to sign the August 1 lease by June 1. He has more than enough time to find another place by then. And theoretically, we have many months as well ... the rush is just to avoid paying this fee, which we may just have to eat and possibly get back later (though that isn't clear either).
R and I have really talked, openly and honestly ... We do generally get along, although she just seems less experienced at living with people. We have discussed both paying more to lower the rent for that room, which we may still do. It is definitely already the smallest share of the rent, and it's a good price for the area, but ... it's just an expensive place in the heart of Cambridge. The roommate who left had also previously moved into the small room in this exact same situation, so there is a history of difficulty filling this room. I just ... don't want to move in to it. Neither does she. Perhaps that makes me entitled or something, but I came from a smaller bedroom and agreed to pay more for the largest room in the place, knowing it would make the quality of my life much better. I'm not giving that up.
R's expectations for finding someone just seem unrealistic - I had to talk her out of asking each prospective roommate to provide us a list of former roommate references to call. The reality is, as some people mentioned above, there are/have been literally zero other prospective roommates, despite lots of effort. I'm just concerned that we will have this guy, or no one else. I have shown the room to at least 10 people over the last few months. But, we do in reality have more time to fill the room before L moves out. Just not before we have to pay the management company. If that makes sense.
posted by bookgirl18 at 12:11 PM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
If you and R agree to each chip in, say, $50 more in rent per month, it will lower the price of room by $100, hopefully making it easier to find someone by your June 1st deadline (and ease a lot of stress not just now but next time the room's tenant leaves and you have to start this process all over again). It would cost you each $600 ($50 x 12 months) in additional rent over the next year's lease. That's quite a bit less than the $1100 you will each owe if you don't find a new roommate in the next few weeks. If you and R both stay in the apartment an additional two years, it's $1200 each in additional rent ($50 x 24 months), just a bit over this lease-changing fee - but you'll save yourself stress now and any future time you need to find a new tenant for the room, and you may not even live in this apartment another two years anyway - two years is a long time.
You could obviously change the calculation any way you like. Would chipping in $25 each per month (a total reduction in price of $50/month for the room) make it an attractive enough deal to attract new tenants?
posted by whitelily at 12:24 PM on May 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
You could obviously change the calculation any way you like. Would chipping in $25 each per month (a total reduction in price of $50/month for the room) make it an attractive enough deal to attract new tenants?
posted by whitelily at 12:24 PM on May 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
I think you probably need to reduce the price even further to get more interest but I also think these little rooms tend to be kind of revolving-door housing even when they're well-priced - they're the kind of thing you can put up with for a little while but after a few months of living there full-time you really feel it and you decide to move further from the T/move in with your SO/finally start that goat farm in Vermont/whatever.
Is there any chance you could actually, on purpose, rent the room for a shorter term? Like, you and R would take responsibility for the full lease and the third roommate might be more like a subletter? (Some landlords will be OK with a situation like this, some won't.) Ironically, you might be able to charge *more* per month for a short-term sublet, because short-term leases are really hard to find. But the reason they're hard to find is because no one likes having strangers for roommates, and given R's discomfort with changing roommates that might not work for you guys. This might not be the place for you two :/
posted by mskyle at 12:28 PM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
Is there any chance you could actually, on purpose, rent the room for a shorter term? Like, you and R would take responsibility for the full lease and the third roommate might be more like a subletter? (Some landlords will be OK with a situation like this, some won't.) Ironically, you might be able to charge *more* per month for a short-term sublet, because short-term leases are really hard to find. But the reason they're hard to find is because no one likes having strangers for roommates, and given R's discomfort with changing roommates that might not work for you guys. This might not be the place for you two :/
posted by mskyle at 12:28 PM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
if you have had literally zero interest in a room in a perfectly located apartment in Cambridge then your pricing is wrong (or there's something else very wrong that you haven't told us about.) That's obvious, isn't it? If the goal for both of you is to stay in the rooms you have, and find a viable third roommate for the tiny room, then you need to drop the price of the room to market price for the size of the room, then you will get interest, and you can find a female roommate. Otherwise it's just you and R both wanting a pony that doesn't exist.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:50 PM on May 8, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:50 PM on May 8, 2018 [8 favorites]
10 people is not a lot and barely trying. C'mon.
Drop the price and vigorously advertise + interview perspective roommates like it's your job for the next few weeks and get this task off your plate.
posted by jbenben at 1:20 PM on May 8, 2018 [4 favorites]
Drop the price and vigorously advertise + interview perspective roommates like it's your job for the next few weeks and get this task off your plate.
posted by jbenben at 1:20 PM on May 8, 2018 [4 favorites]
Boston/Cambridge is a quick moving market. I think you still have plenty of time. Are the pictures on Craigslist not good? Are you not re-posting the listing enough? I can't imagine a room in that market would have a tough time finding someone if you went full-throttle the search.
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:46 PM on May 8, 2018
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:46 PM on May 8, 2018
You keep referring to the $2200 as a "fee" as though it is a nonrefundable penalty charge. I have a hard time believing that's what it is and encourage you to check in with the landlord to clarify. It would be standard for the people on the lease to owe this money to the rental company by a specific date, but you just have New Person directly reimburse you with a check when they sign the lease. There may be a lease change fee when they sign, but it shouldn't be more than a few hundred bucks at most. Honestly, it sounds like you still have a few months to find someone.
Bite the bullet and reassess the rent division. If you are desperate to rent this room by June 1, assuming you are students you could also figure out how to advertise this to newly admitted grad students (especially in your own departments, but also with admissions - I'm sure there is a listserv). You wouldn't be able to meet in person but I bet you'd get responses from international students, especially if you furnish it.
posted by veery at 2:08 PM on May 8, 2018
Bite the bullet and reassess the rent division. If you are desperate to rent this room by June 1, assuming you are students you could also figure out how to advertise this to newly admitted grad students (especially in your own departments, but also with admissions - I'm sure there is a listserv). You wouldn't be able to meet in person but I bet you'd get responses from international students, especially if you furnish it.
posted by veery at 2:08 PM on May 8, 2018
I think your roommate should put on her big girl panties and be happy you found a paying, low drama roommate. Is there a reason you and the guy can't stay and kick her out instead?
posted by fluttering hellfire at 2:55 PM on May 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by fluttering hellfire at 2:55 PM on May 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
Could you recruit a friend maybe just to help with the NYT 'how to split rent' thing linked upthread? The friend would be answering the question of how much it would take for them to rent the rooms, which will give you a better idea of reasonable pricing. I don't think you can take 'well, the last woman paid it', because she moved out abruptly: it may be that it just wasn't worth it for her after all.
posted by corb at 4:01 PM on May 8, 2018
posted by corb at 4:01 PM on May 8, 2018
The thing is, who looks for a rental 3 months early? Not that many people, and those that do probably think "oh, I have plenty of time to find something better than this small option." I think it's the rental company that is being ridiculous here. I've never heard of having to find a roommate 2-3 months in advance or pay a (sincerely quite massive) change fee. I can't even imagine that being legal. Was that in the original lease you signed? (If it isn't in the lease, it's harder for them to legally defend.) Or maybe as someone above said, it's a misunderstanding and this is just a temporary deposit?
posted by salvia at 4:45 PM on May 8, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by salvia at 4:45 PM on May 8, 2018 [4 favorites]
3 months early for a rental is absolutely standard for Boston / Cambridge. When I rented, it was common for landlords to start making noises about renewing a June lease in January.
posted by peacheater at 7:12 PM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by peacheater at 7:12 PM on May 8, 2018 [1 favorite]
So, the one roommate flaked and now R is living with a man which she doesn't want and you are this close to a bad financial situation you don't want. Cut the apartment in half!
I don't know. One of you in the small room is probably the answer.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 8:05 PM on May 8, 2018
I don't know. One of you in the small room is probably the answer.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 8:05 PM on May 8, 2018
If you don’t find another room mate, tell her sure, she can kick out the nice, paying one that you currently have - as long as she’s prepared to cover their rent. If she creates the issue, it’s on her to fix it.
posted by Jubey at 8:14 PM on May 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 8:14 PM on May 8, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Hey all - just a belated follow-up in case anyone else looks at this thread. We have paid the change fee and are ramping up efforts again to find a third person to fill the room. We can be reimbursed when that third person eventually signs.
R continues to be passive-aggressive towards L, leaving him notes about taking out the trash and suggesting he invest in earphones when she has friends over. I think L is probably not going to want to stay at this point, so that is no longer an option. This frustrates me but I'm not really sure what to do about it without sticking myself in the middle. The saga continues, but I am really helpful for the advice and insights here, as always.
posted by bookgirl18 at 6:37 AM on June 4, 2018
R continues to be passive-aggressive towards L, leaving him notes about taking out the trash and suggesting he invest in earphones when she has friends over. I think L is probably not going to want to stay at this point, so that is no longer an option. This frustrates me but I'm not really sure what to do about it without sticking myself in the middle. The saga continues, but I am really helpful for the advice and insights here, as always.
posted by bookgirl18 at 6:37 AM on June 4, 2018
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I realize how stressful this is and I agree with you. If she had specific problems with L (if he were harassing her or intruding on her personal space, say) I would feel differently but "he told me to keep it down once" is not cool.
posted by lydhre at 7:18 AM on May 8, 2018 [21 favorites]