Should we let our 16-year-old son go to a party in another town?

May 6, 2018 9:02 PM

We live in Vancouver. Our 16-year-old son, who I'd describe as fairly responsible (but still 16), has been invited to a party on Vancouver Island, a couple hours away by ferry, hosted by someone about the same age - a friend from summer camp who we haven't met. Our son expects that there'll be drinking, possibly marijuana. I'm inclined to say no. Any advice?
posted by Ye Olde Socke Puppete to Human Relations (19 answers total)

-a couple hours away
-by ferry
-hosted by a friend you haven’t met
-who is “about the same age”

I’d go with hell no. Sorry, but hell no.
posted by Night_owl at 9:14 PM on May 6, 2018 [23 favorites]

At 16, my parents would only have let me do this a) after a phone call with the hosting parents (parents will be around, right?!), and b) with a trusted friend along. Also, does your son already drink? Does he already smoke marijuana?
posted by amaire at 9:22 PM on May 6, 2018 [3 favorites]

Are the parents going to be there?
posted by blueberry at 9:23 PM on May 6, 2018

Best answer: The only way this can work is if you're in touch with the other kids parents, and they're home while this party is happening. That way you'd have someone to give you all the information a teenage boy never thinks to give(house address, name of both parents they're staying with, cell numbers for both the parents and his friend) and some eyes on him making sure he's okay.

If the parents aren't present or willing to reassure you plus keep you updated, then this is a no go. 16 is way to young for completely unsupervised parties.
posted by InkDrinker at 9:23 PM on May 6, 2018 [10 favorites]

I would absolutely say no. To me there's just too many risk factors there. To be blunt, what I read in your question was a list of deal breakers.
posted by Verba Volant at 9:24 PM on May 6, 2018 [2 favorites]

I'd use the tried-and-true "I'd like to speak with the parents ahead of time about it" trope that always helped us (and my parents, a generation ago) weed out (heh) the sanctioned parties from the unsupervised, recipe for disaster parties. On preview, what others said, especially since you're a ferry ride away (and can't assist if things go south).
posted by liquado at 9:27 PM on May 6, 2018 [3 favorites]

So if you decide to let your son go to this party despite your misgivings and contra the advice above, here's an idea: you go to Vancouver Island too on the same weekend. You stay in a hotel and do whatever floats your boat. That way if something goes wrong he can call you and get bailed out. You can also call him and if things are hinky, you can intervene. If all goes well, you meet at the dock in time to catch a specific ferry and you all head home together.

It's a good idea, with kids, to have a safe word/phrase they can use over the phone that is code for "Come get me immediately!" but that sounds innocuous to anyone who overhears the conversation. It allows a fairly responsible (but still 16) kid to save face while extracting himself from something problematic.
posted by carmicha at 9:40 PM on May 6, 2018 [23 favorites]

Agreed it's the ferry ride that's the dealbreaker here, unless you have someone you trust on the island who is able and willing to look out for him in case something goes wrong.

Or you can do what my parents did in a similar situation, and be like, "oh, let's all go over to the island together and make an overnight trip out of it!! :D :D :D" and if your 16-yr old is anything like 16-yr-old me he'll be so mortified at the idea that he'll drop it entirely Ha, sort-of jinx, carmicha!
posted by btfreek at 9:42 PM on May 6, 2018 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Being able to leave is the key to making good choices at a party when you're that age. If he has a family member in the area who was only a short cab ride away, then sure (or if, as carmicha said above, you have the ability to go along too). Otherwise, if things get out of hand (harder drugs present, or out-of-control drinking, or a fight), the prospect of being stuck in another town in the middle of the night or having it be a whole production to change his plans might be too big a hurdle for him to clear and could keep him in a situation he's not comfortable with.
posted by haruspicina at 9:45 PM on May 6, 2018 [21 favorites]

Response by poster: Latest update is that our son won't be going. He was invited to the party along with another friend from summer camp, and her parents said no. So that makes the decision pretty easy.

Thanks for all the excellent advice! Neither my wife nor I have much direct experience with high school parties, so this is really helpful. I expect the situation will arise again over the next couple of years. I've also been sharing the thread with our son. I checked out the wording of the question with him before posting, to make sure I'm representing the situation accurately.

(To answer amaire's questions: Our son's experience with alcohol is limited to small quantities of wine at family dinners. Marijuana, no.)
posted by Ye Olde Socke Puppete at 9:57 PM on May 6, 2018 [6 favorites]

It’s tempting to reward your son’s honesty about the nature of the party. My fear in saying “hell no” is that the lesson learned is to lie and say he’s going to spend the night at a trusted friend’s house in the future (which is what I did when I was 16). My parents were completely uncompromising and untrusting with stuff like this, so I just lied and never got caught which is it’s own sort of responsibility I suppose. The kids I was hanging out with who had “cool parents” only wanted to know where they were and maybe wanted a check in with them at a certain point.

I suppose the ideal thing is to treat your son with independence and respect (if they haven’t done anything yet to lose that trust) and express what makes you uncomfortable about this situation, maybe with the spirit of truly not having made up your mind yet, and see if some compromise can be reached. If your answer is “no”, you still really want your young adult/child to be honest with you about future parties. At some point in the next two years, your son is going to go away to some unsupervised event where he’ll have to make some decisions involving his safety and the way this decision goes will influence how he deals with you over it.

fWIW, I have two sons that are not teenagers yet. 16 seems young, but 3/4 of the “parties” I went to at that age involved swimming and board games and pizza and no alcohol, 1/4 involved alcohol and homes with no parents involved. Exactly none involved hard drugs or driving or sex with random partners. I think given how little my parents knew or understood what was going on in my life then, I’m inclined to be honest with my kids about what I was doing in hopes that they’ll approach me with the same kind of honesty.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 10:01 PM on May 6, 2018 [12 favorites]

It sounds like things worked out. I'm glad your son talked to you about this, which says a lot to his maturity and the relationship you've built with him. Something to consider for the future: if this is a particularly meaningful friendship to your son, how about inviting the camp friend to visit your family for the weekend? That way the three friends can see each other with your supervision and you can get to know this camp friend better. I'd certainly coordinate things with the other parents and even consider inviting them: while attending a party with parents in tow would definitely be super awkward, this scenario would be much less so.
posted by smorgasbord at 10:29 PM on May 6, 2018 [4 favorites]

I know the party is settled, but maybe your son wants to invite the kid from camp over to your place? Social media has made it easy to remain in contact with friends we meet from all over the place and kids feel far more connected with camp friends than older generations did.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:02 AM on May 7, 2018 [4 favorites]

When I was 16 we took boat trips to nearby uninhabited islands (I lived on an island) for overnight camping trips/parties. So knowing what goes on when a bunch of 16-year-old kids are unsupervised on an island, I'm going to go with the big NOPE on this one, unless you have independent confirmation that responsible adults will be present.

Thinking back, not only were we a 45-minute boat ride from home, this was before cell phones existed, and there wasn't even any electricity or running water on these islands. If somebody needed emergency medical attention they probably would have died before they got it. What the hell were my parents thinking?

Edit: Well that was kind of pointless - missed the update by the OP when I scrolled down to post.
posted by COD at 5:02 AM on May 7, 2018

Frankly, if the parents were going to be there, and there was still going to be underage drinking and weed, there's no way I'd let my 16-year-old go.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:49 AM on May 7, 2018 [2 favorites]

Just wanted to bring up an issue unique to the barrier an Island would bring. What if things got weird and he wanted to leave? What if he didn't want to drink (or got really drunk) or someone was hitting on him and making him uncomfortable. How would he get home?

This is not one of those times when I could give my kid a $20 and a fully charged cell and say "Call me. Doesn't matter what time. No questions asked and I'll come get you immediately". Distance and inaccessibility, even with a much older kid, would give me pause.
posted by citygirl at 7:17 AM on May 7, 2018 [1 favorite]

My parents would say "sure", but they'd come along to check things out. How embarrassing would that be?

If it was my 16 yo, hell no. I got away with some pretty major shenanigans and I wouldn't want a child of mine doing what I did. Hell no.
posted by james33 at 7:37 AM on May 7, 2018

IANAP but agree 100% with Slarty. His honesty indicates responsibility and a good parent/progeny relationship. This should absolutely be rewarded. 16 seems a wee bit young but don't discourage open relations!

(I almost got arrested on that same ferry, but your son sounds more responsible at 16 than I was at 24..)
posted by raider at 1:21 PM on May 7, 2018 [3 favorites]

Have not read every word of this thread, but sometimes kids tell a parent about something (including the bad stuff) because they WANT to be told they can't go. Much easier to explain to friends.
posted by randomkeystrike at 7:41 PM on May 7, 2018 [1 favorite]