Second chance romance: long distance edition
May 2, 2018 12:21 PM Subscribe
Through cautious exploration, a former partner and I are going to attempt to try again. We are both single, never married, no kids. Have you successfully navigated this? What questions did you ask yourself and your potential partner to determine best fit?
We dated over twelve (12!) years ago. It was never long term, but I moved to his city after half a year of long distance, and moved away when things didn't work out. We both acknowledge our contributions to and accept responsibility for the end of our relationship. It boiled down to timing. He wasn't ready for a serious and committed relationship and in hindsight, neither was I.
Each of us has dated other people, changed jobs, and moved cities in the past number of years. I can only speak for myself, but based on lengthy conversations, I believe we have both grown and evolved as individuals. He does not want to have children and neither do I.
We've kept in touch, but have not seen one another in person. At the end of May, I'll be visiting and have booked an Airbnb to minimize potential weirdness and give us each space. As it's a city I've lived in, I'll have no problem entertaining myself in case things go south, which I don't think they will. We have affirmed there will be mutual respect and fondness regardless of outcome. Worst case scenario is one of us has more feels than the other, and we part on amicable terms.
I'm trying to approach this with an open mind. Have you successfully navigated this? What questions did you ask yourself and your potential partner to determine best fit?
We dated over twelve (12!) years ago. It was never long term, but I moved to his city after half a year of long distance, and moved away when things didn't work out. We both acknowledge our contributions to and accept responsibility for the end of our relationship. It boiled down to timing. He wasn't ready for a serious and committed relationship and in hindsight, neither was I.
Each of us has dated other people, changed jobs, and moved cities in the past number of years. I can only speak for myself, but based on lengthy conversations, I believe we have both grown and evolved as individuals. He does not want to have children and neither do I.
We've kept in touch, but have not seen one another in person. At the end of May, I'll be visiting and have booked an Airbnb to minimize potential weirdness and give us each space. As it's a city I've lived in, I'll have no problem entertaining myself in case things go south, which I don't think they will. We have affirmed there will be mutual respect and fondness regardless of outcome. Worst case scenario is one of us has more feels than the other, and we part on amicable terms.
I'm trying to approach this with an open mind. Have you successfully navigated this? What questions did you ask yourself and your potential partner to determine best fit?
I've re-dated a few exes before and I think metasarah had some good advice: Don't rely too much on what you remember or how you or they used to be. You're both different people now and constant reminders of who you might have once been due to interaction with someone from past might not be the best. You guys both sound mature and have thought about this and are doing things responsibly. I wish you the best!
posted by GoblinHoney at 3:45 PM on May 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by GoblinHoney at 3:45 PM on May 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm three-quarters of a year into the renewal of a relationship with a former partner. There is a similarly long span of time since we last saw each other too, although we have gone through long periods of on/off correspondence and meet-ups over the years. One, but not all, of our big past issues was geography. Also, unlike you, one of us does has kids, though neither of us wants more.
As to your specific question: What questions did you ask yourself and your potential partner to determine best fit?
I actually give all credit to my partner for how our renewed interest played out. My partner was more recently out of a relationship than me, and therefore brought to the fore something I had spent a lot of time thinking about, but wouldn't have thought to bring up on my own — and that is fighting.
It's true if you think about it that most people fight badly, and yet we all disagree some time or another. Further, there are many ways disagreement can play out: As shouty fights, avoidant resentments, and everything in between. And, if you think about it, one terrible fight, or lots of small little fights, and everything in between, often end up being relationship-killers, so we spent a long while talking first about everything that had gone wrong before (with my partner leading because most of the issues in our break-up other than geography hinged on my partner's behavior), and then interspersed that with months of discussion about how to disagree, how to make up, what mattered to us each.
In the process, we both started to acknowledge our various insecurities and how they affect our behavior in a relationship. Further, this brought to the fore issues of emotional self-knowledge (and self-regulation) on the part of the male member — we are a cis-het couple — something that was lacking before. This, in turn, spiraled into general values discussions vis-a-vis kids, and what we want to do with our lives.
It's been great! We are set to see each other soon, and somehow to conquer the distance. But the distance has also forced reflective conversations we would, or could, never have had in person.
As for you all, I recommend you start where we started because I had thought to myself many times prior to my partner bringing it up: They should teach people how to disagree in school. Think about it: We as a country are unable to disagree, and just consider the bad will that's wrought. But also think about all the friendships that disappear, family members who stop speaking, seemingly wonderful romances that end in bitterness. So, start by talking and talking and talking about how to fight. And in the process, see what other issues arise. As far as I'm concerned everybody should do it.
posted by Puppetry for Privacy at 4:14 PM on May 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
As to your specific question: What questions did you ask yourself and your potential partner to determine best fit?
I actually give all credit to my partner for how our renewed interest played out. My partner was more recently out of a relationship than me, and therefore brought to the fore something I had spent a lot of time thinking about, but wouldn't have thought to bring up on my own — and that is fighting.
It's true if you think about it that most people fight badly, and yet we all disagree some time or another. Further, there are many ways disagreement can play out: As shouty fights, avoidant resentments, and everything in between. And, if you think about it, one terrible fight, or lots of small little fights, and everything in between, often end up being relationship-killers, so we spent a long while talking first about everything that had gone wrong before (with my partner leading because most of the issues in our break-up other than geography hinged on my partner's behavior), and then interspersed that with months of discussion about how to disagree, how to make up, what mattered to us each.
In the process, we both started to acknowledge our various insecurities and how they affect our behavior in a relationship. Further, this brought to the fore issues of emotional self-knowledge (and self-regulation) on the part of the male member — we are a cis-het couple — something that was lacking before. This, in turn, spiraled into general values discussions vis-a-vis kids, and what we want to do with our lives.
It's been great! We are set to see each other soon, and somehow to conquer the distance. But the distance has also forced reflective conversations we would, or could, never have had in person.
As for you all, I recommend you start where we started because I had thought to myself many times prior to my partner bringing it up: They should teach people how to disagree in school. Think about it: We as a country are unable to disagree, and just consider the bad will that's wrought. But also think about all the friendships that disappear, family members who stop speaking, seemingly wonderful romances that end in bitterness. So, start by talking and talking and talking about how to fight. And in the process, see what other issues arise. As far as I'm concerned everybody should do it.
posted by Puppetry for Privacy at 4:14 PM on May 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
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posted by metasarah at 12:36 PM on May 2, 2018 [3 favorites]