"It's too bad you won't be 'good enough,' but then again who is?"
April 28, 2018 6:44 AM Subscribe
What does it mean to be "good enough?" How does "being good enough" feels like subjectively?
This question (more precisely, sequence of questions) was prompted by thoughts in a therapy session.
I said that I felt that [other party] likely saw me in the relationship as the flawed, defective, disabled one, different from how they had perceived me at the beginning when I was able to hide it better. I said further that I thought it was totally valid for them, at least on the level of reason, to reject a flawed personality. (This is not the important part, just the context -- I've since understood that it was most likely not what I was, but what I did, that provoked certain emotions in them, and if we hypothetically leave out the "ad hominem" part from their reaction, the emotions could be clearly seen to be totally valid.)
The therapist said that when the [other party] and I entered this relationship, they probably already saw what they saw in me as good enough.
I wanted to something to the effect as follows, but I couldn't articulate it better at that time. I felt that I failed to pay attention to their seeing me as "good enough," for "being good enough" hasn't been my internal feeling for quite a long time. "Good enough" doesn't describe me.
I lack the experience in feeling good enough about myself. Maybe only rarely, and quickly dismissed. I don't think I ever learned it. So I have the questions: What does it mean to be good enough? What is the definition of being good enough? According to whom or what standards?
And furthermore: By what can I know that I really know whether I am good enough? What are the standards that judges the standards by which I judge myself to be good enough or not?
But most importantly, how does "feeling good enough" feel like, on a personal, visceral level? Or is it something like the air, which you only feel the absence thereof? How do you describe the feeling, in real world if not with fictional characters?
This question (more precisely, sequence of questions) was prompted by thoughts in a therapy session.
I said that I felt that [other party] likely saw me in the relationship as the flawed, defective, disabled one, different from how they had perceived me at the beginning when I was able to hide it better. I said further that I thought it was totally valid for them, at least on the level of reason, to reject a flawed personality. (This is not the important part, just the context -- I've since understood that it was most likely not what I was, but what I did, that provoked certain emotions in them, and if we hypothetically leave out the "ad hominem" part from their reaction, the emotions could be clearly seen to be totally valid.)
The therapist said that when the [other party] and I entered this relationship, they probably already saw what they saw in me as good enough.
I wanted to something to the effect as follows, but I couldn't articulate it better at that time. I felt that I failed to pay attention to their seeing me as "good enough," for "being good enough" hasn't been my internal feeling for quite a long time. "Good enough" doesn't describe me.
I lack the experience in feeling good enough about myself. Maybe only rarely, and quickly dismissed. I don't think I ever learned it. So I have the questions: What does it mean to be good enough? What is the definition of being good enough? According to whom or what standards?
And furthermore: By what can I know that I really know whether I am good enough? What are the standards that judges the standards by which I judge myself to be good enough or not?
But most importantly, how does "feeling good enough" feel like, on a personal, visceral level? Or is it something like the air, which you only feel the absence thereof? How do you describe the feeling, in real world if not with fictional characters?
I believe that all people are inherently valuable. Everyone is also flawed, so there is no such thing as the "flawed one" in a relationship. If you mean feeling "good enough" in the sense of "good enough" to be with a particular person, that is my default feeling; it's hard to describe what it feels like, except that it's the absence of the doubts that occasionally happen (am I beautiful enough for this person, etc). I guess a sense of feeling "good enough" could also come from actions—the more you try to be kind, and patient, and good through behavior in your life, the more you might believe that you are deserving of someone's love.
posted by pinochiette at 7:06 AM on April 28, 2018
posted by pinochiette at 7:06 AM on April 28, 2018
When I was struggling with this about 25 yrs ago (I'm 48 now) I read the metafilter favorite The Feeling Good Handbook and did all the exercises. It really made a difference in how I thought. The exercises are designed to help you identify what he calls cognitive distortions - ways of thinking that lead you down a bad road.
I would say that I went from feeling fundamentally flawed to feeling like I am good enough. One big shift was realizing that I am actually a pretty normal person. In my teens and twenties my assumption was that I was weird and that I had to figure out how normal people feel and act and imitate that. Now I figure, well, if I feel a certain way, then that IS how normal people feel. Because I'm normal. On a personal, visceral level it feels like noticing the outside world more. I am not running around in thought circles in my head so I notice details of the room I am in, the colors outside, etc.
posted by selfmedicating at 7:20 AM on April 28, 2018 [22 favorites]
I would say that I went from feeling fundamentally flawed to feeling like I am good enough. One big shift was realizing that I am actually a pretty normal person. In my teens and twenties my assumption was that I was weird and that I had to figure out how normal people feel and act and imitate that. Now I figure, well, if I feel a certain way, then that IS how normal people feel. Because I'm normal. On a personal, visceral level it feels like noticing the outside world more. I am not running around in thought circles in my head so I notice details of the room I am in, the colors outside, etc.
posted by selfmedicating at 7:20 AM on April 28, 2018 [22 favorites]
Being good enough means that you have an inherent right to exist in the world and that this world belongs to you as much as it belongs to anyone else. You are at home on this planet; you have a right to be here. You do not need to change or to twist yourself into a pretzel trying to be what you are not, in order to deserve this: you already deserve this.
Being good enough does not mean not having room for improvement. We all have room for improvement. But still we are all basically okay exactly the way we are, and if we manage to improve ourselves in some way, then yay! That's an extra.
Being good enough means being worthy. You are worthy.
posted by Too-Ticky at 7:24 AM on April 28, 2018 [21 favorites]
Being good enough does not mean not having room for improvement. We all have room for improvement. But still we are all basically okay exactly the way we are, and if we manage to improve ourselves in some way, then yay! That's an extra.
Being good enough means being worthy. You are worthy.
posted by Too-Ticky at 7:24 AM on April 28, 2018 [21 favorites]
Best answer: Thank you for this question.
I think my answer is grace, as described in this essay about teaching by a math professor. Feeling “good enough” happens when somebody shows you grace, because it disarms your need to judge yourself; and I think it can also become a habit when you make a practice of showing grace to other people.
posted by eirias at 8:09 AM on April 28, 2018 [12 favorites]
I think my answer is grace, as described in this essay about teaching by a math professor. Feeling “good enough” happens when somebody shows you grace, because it disarms your need to judge yourself; and I think it can also become a habit when you make a practice of showing grace to other people.
posted by eirias at 8:09 AM on April 28, 2018 [12 favorites]
IME, the feeling of being enough and having self worth is having sufficient resources of self to draw upon so that you don't need to seek those resources from outside of yourself. These include self reliance, self approval, self compassion, the capacity for insight/self awareness/self reflection, self kindness, inner strength, the capacity for humility, empowerment, the ability to learn, fundamental respect and reverence for your own humanity, and wisdom.
And it isn't a "you either have it or you don't" situation. We all have varying degrees of these qualities that we are all working on developing. The only person in my life that got me questioning that was someone who ticked all of the boxes of malignant NPD. Among other things that was a lesson in what it means to have self worth vs feeling worthless, because this person was so lacking in their own self worth (their own lack of all of these resources of self) that they needed to extract that in the form of narcissistic supply from other people.
posted by jazzbaby at 8:39 AM on April 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
And it isn't a "you either have it or you don't" situation. We all have varying degrees of these qualities that we are all working on developing. The only person in my life that got me questioning that was someone who ticked all of the boxes of malignant NPD. Among other things that was a lesson in what it means to have self worth vs feeling worthless, because this person was so lacking in their own self worth (their own lack of all of these resources of self) that they needed to extract that in the form of narcissistic supply from other people.
posted by jazzbaby at 8:39 AM on April 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
Best answer: For me, it's partly an ability to understand that my flaws/challenges are also strengths, and vice versa. I can tend toward physical laziness (flaw/challenge); I'm also really good at self-care in that creature-comforts way, because I don't generally have that GO GO GO thing that a lot of people have constantly (strength). I am extremely reliable and loyal (strength); I can also be really reluctant to get out of situations or relationships that aren't working for me because I feel disloyal (flaw/challenge).
We're all imperfect beings. I tend to like religious-ish framing that only gods are perfect, and so there's enormous hubris in expecting any human to be. Feeling "good enough" means that I acknowledge my flaws and challenges and also my strengths and I generally like who I am. If any other given person doesn't like me, that's fine, too, and I expect that my friends will work with my flaws and appreciate my strengths in the same way I do theirs. It's being comfortable with who I am, even while always working to improve.
DBT talks about this explicitly in explaining dialectics.
posted by lazuli at 10:12 AM on April 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
We're all imperfect beings. I tend to like religious-ish framing that only gods are perfect, and so there's enormous hubris in expecting any human to be. Feeling "good enough" means that I acknowledge my flaws and challenges and also my strengths and I generally like who I am. If any other given person doesn't like me, that's fine, too, and I expect that my friends will work with my flaws and appreciate my strengths in the same way I do theirs. It's being comfortable with who I am, even while always working to improve.
DBT talks about this explicitly in explaining dialectics.
posted by lazuli at 10:12 AM on April 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
What does it mean to be good enough? What is the definition of being good enough? According to whom or what standards?
All entirely context-dependent. No attempt at a universally applicable definition of "good enough" will be good enough.
This is essentially because worse is better.
posted by flabdablet at 10:37 AM on April 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
All entirely context-dependent. No attempt at a universally applicable definition of "good enough" will be good enough.
This is essentially because worse is better.
posted by flabdablet at 10:37 AM on April 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
how does "feeling good enough" feel like, on a personal, visceral level?
When I used to make a mistake, it was not just a mistake: It was the worst possible, most stupid, etc. etc. thing ever. A friend of mine calls it the "I am the piece of shit the world revolves around" syndrome. As a perfectionist, I could tolerate (accept, embrace!) the flaws, the foibles, the mistakes of friends. But my mistakes were not just fails, they were Epic Fails.
Which is nonsense, but it took many years to work that out after having been raised, in part, by a narcissistic, alcoholic dad who thought his job as a parent was to point out that nothing I ever did was 100% perfect. So after years of therapy, on and off, and years of going to Al-Anon, a 12-step program for the friends and family members of alcoholics, this is what feeling good enough feels like on a visceral level: not much.
Like, say I screw up. Instead of obsessing over it, taking to my bed, screaming internal obscenities at myself, engaging in black-and-white thinking, and basically beating myself up, I ask myself 1. How bad is it? (I try to be honest, and not inflate things that are not a big deal.) 2. Is there anything I can do to fix it or make it less problematic? (If so, I try to do that.) 3. Am I human? (Um, yup.) 4. Are humans perfect? (Nope.) 5. How would I respond if I friend did this? (With a hug or supportive words. So I try to treat myself accordingly.)
So it doesn't feel like much on a visceral level because I am not tying myself into internal knots over how worthless and shitty I am. I do my little checklist and then let go of it. Before, when it was important for me to reinforce the notion that I was a flawed, damaged, fucked up person who deserved nothing, I obsessed over every mistake I made while ignoring and failing to credit myself for my actual accomplishments. Now, I acknowledge any mistakes but I don't get mired in self-loathing, etc. I don't get stuck in a mental loop of "I suck". And I work to give myself credit and rewards for my accomplishments.
There is a big difference between how I felt before (often miserable) and now (rarely miserable and when I am miserable, miserable for reasons that are not connected to feeling worthless). So yes, it is partly about an absence: An absence of self-recrimination, self-loathing, self-hatred, and way way less self-involvement, which has been a fine thing in my case (not suggesting that you have that same problem, btw).
In my case learning to feel worthy was deeply connected to setting and holding appropriate boundaries as well as working on becoming less of a perfectionist. YMMV but learning that some behaviour was inappropriate and I did not have to put up with it in some way helped me learn to value myself more as well as helped me feel less like a victim. This is a great question, thanks OP!
posted by Bella Donna at 11:01 AM on April 28, 2018 [11 favorites]
When I used to make a mistake, it was not just a mistake: It was the worst possible, most stupid, etc. etc. thing ever. A friend of mine calls it the "I am the piece of shit the world revolves around" syndrome. As a perfectionist, I could tolerate (accept, embrace!) the flaws, the foibles, the mistakes of friends. But my mistakes were not just fails, they were Epic Fails.
Which is nonsense, but it took many years to work that out after having been raised, in part, by a narcissistic, alcoholic dad who thought his job as a parent was to point out that nothing I ever did was 100% perfect. So after years of therapy, on and off, and years of going to Al-Anon, a 12-step program for the friends and family members of alcoholics, this is what feeling good enough feels like on a visceral level: not much.
Like, say I screw up. Instead of obsessing over it, taking to my bed, screaming internal obscenities at myself, engaging in black-and-white thinking, and basically beating myself up, I ask myself 1. How bad is it? (I try to be honest, and not inflate things that are not a big deal.) 2. Is there anything I can do to fix it or make it less problematic? (If so, I try to do that.) 3. Am I human? (Um, yup.) 4. Are humans perfect? (Nope.) 5. How would I respond if I friend did this? (With a hug or supportive words. So I try to treat myself accordingly.)
So it doesn't feel like much on a visceral level because I am not tying myself into internal knots over how worthless and shitty I am. I do my little checklist and then let go of it. Before, when it was important for me to reinforce the notion that I was a flawed, damaged, fucked up person who deserved nothing, I obsessed over every mistake I made while ignoring and failing to credit myself for my actual accomplishments. Now, I acknowledge any mistakes but I don't get mired in self-loathing, etc. I don't get stuck in a mental loop of "I suck". And I work to give myself credit and rewards for my accomplishments.
There is a big difference between how I felt before (often miserable) and now (rarely miserable and when I am miserable, miserable for reasons that are not connected to feeling worthless). So yes, it is partly about an absence: An absence of self-recrimination, self-loathing, self-hatred, and way way less self-involvement, which has been a fine thing in my case (not suggesting that you have that same problem, btw).
In my case learning to feel worthy was deeply connected to setting and holding appropriate boundaries as well as working on becoming less of a perfectionist. YMMV but learning that some behaviour was inappropriate and I did not have to put up with it in some way helped me learn to value myself more as well as helped me feel less like a victim. This is a great question, thanks OP!
posted by Bella Donna at 11:01 AM on April 28, 2018 [11 favorites]
Yes to subjective, and yes to dependent on context.
It's very difficult to set a performance standard for most things in ordinary life. And to complicate things, the more you know about a something, the higher your standards are likely to be. Alton Brown's threshold for a "good enough" pot of chili are probably way higher than mine, but mine gets eaten and enjoyed all the same.
Not your (or anyone's) therapist, but I think the more usual terms for the discussion are self-esteem and self-confidence. But all this is not what your therapist meant by saying "when the [other party] and I entered this relationship, they probably already saw what they saw in me as good enough". What they meant was [other party]'s opinion is what matters, and [other party] found you worthy, so don't fight it.
posted by SemiSalt at 11:53 AM on April 28, 2018
It's very difficult to set a performance standard for most things in ordinary life. And to complicate things, the more you know about a something, the higher your standards are likely to be. Alton Brown's threshold for a "good enough" pot of chili are probably way higher than mine, but mine gets eaten and enjoyed all the same.
Not your (or anyone's) therapist, but I think the more usual terms for the discussion are self-esteem and self-confidence. But all this is not what your therapist meant by saying "when the [other party] and I entered this relationship, they probably already saw what they saw in me as good enough". What they meant was [other party]'s opinion is what matters, and [other party] found you worthy, so don't fight it.
posted by SemiSalt at 11:53 AM on April 28, 2018
Best answer: I would reckon that your personal belief systems regarding "good enough" will always be or become miscalibrated, or skewed in favor of the person who is in the position of higher power, privilige or freedom over the other, for so long as the bearing or effect of the external factors that socially determine value, desirability, or what's referred to as, "standards," outweighs the bearing or effect of internal factors that determine assessments or judgement of whether "good enough" has been obtained or achieved.
posted by OnefortheLast at 3:21 PM on April 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by OnefortheLast at 3:21 PM on April 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
You know the reflex hammer medical practitioners use, the one they whack your lower knee with and your leg moves involuntarily? Social interactions, whether in the context of a relationship or of a fleeting nature, can feel like that hammer--and so often the involuntary reflex is one of inadequacy. Ooooh, did I sound stupid to that cashier? Did that compliment come out weird? Why is my friend looking at me funny, what did I do? God, I suck at this people thing, let me try something else really fast, really hard. That reflexive, immediate leap to being so certain of your defective self, that's my definition of not being good enough: Whack-->I suck, case closed.
See that little arrow between the stimulus and the response? That means that there may be choice about how you respond. It is possible to pause. To not judge yourself unkindly immediately. I'm not saying that's the feeling of being "good enough." I am saying that maybe you can work up to whatever your "good enough" is going to be, and that slowing down, and eventually breaking, the Whack-->I Suck reflex may be a place to start.
This is a good question. Thanks for asking it.
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:25 PM on April 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
See that little arrow between the stimulus and the response? That means that there may be choice about how you respond. It is possible to pause. To not judge yourself unkindly immediately. I'm not saying that's the feeling of being "good enough." I am saying that maybe you can work up to whatever your "good enough" is going to be, and that slowing down, and eventually breaking, the Whack-->I Suck reflex may be a place to start.
This is a good question. Thanks for asking it.
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:25 PM on April 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you very much for your answers and testimonials, and especially to eirias for the essay. It's also great to know that the math instructor in the essay was Persi Diaconis, whom I already admire a lot for his mathematical achievements. Your answers are very thought-stimulating, which is good because thought-stimulation is a secret joy. When I was a child and teenager, I would be subjected to what I now term as "psychic stabbing" if I was found to be stimulating myself with thoughts (e.g. reading a philosophy book, or deities forbid, anything about mental health). Needless to say this didn't bode very well (and it was just a symptom of something bigger in the environment).
And I can't help but fall into the seductive trap of trying to plead for and justify myself by the laws of my tormentors who has by now been internalized, laws that I had no say in the legitimization thereof in the first place (hence couldn't possibly have consented to), and that were never applied equally to the their makers. I can't remember who said about this trap of self-justification by arguing from unjust laws; it might have been Simone de Beauvoire I guess.
It's interesting that the middle sequence of questions, i.e. "how do I know that I know whether I am good enough?" was left hardly engaged with. I feel that I may say something about my state of mind when articulating this kind of questions, and attempt at an answer.
I was feeling that I must not only justify myself, but also justify justification. It is a bit similar to (but much less benign than) how Jorge Luis Borges and Stanisław Lem wrote that it's impossible to write, for to write anything, one has to simulate the entire universe and civilizations from the beginning. I fear that any justification may be found to be wrong and used against me. I fear beckoning more torture. But who is the interlocutor that must be incessantly appeased by my Perfect Discourse of Justification (and the doomed attempt to put myself up to its level)? Only one who doesn't care about me. If they were to care, some common ground would have to be found within the shared worldly experiences, the metaxy.
It also appears that the statement "I am good enough" or "I am not good enough" are value statements thinly veiled as factual statements. And here they encounter David Hume's guillotine. The even more troublesome statement is "that I ought to be able to derive the ought from the is before stating an 'ought' statement," which immediately meets the guillotine of the second order.
Furthermore, it can be stated that a world in which I don't have to proceed with perfect knowledge before disclosing about my good-enoughness is infinitely better than a world in which I have to. I think it was again Simone de Beauvoire that said a world in which we can err and fail is much more preferable than one in which we can't, because the latter one could only be achieved after our arms had been so twisted by arbitrary power that we couldn't do or conceive of anything outside their dominion.
And since it's clear which one is the preferable, it's clear what kind of course of action should follow.
posted by runcifex at 3:20 AM on April 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
And I can't help but fall into the seductive trap of trying to plead for and justify myself by the laws of my tormentors who has by now been internalized, laws that I had no say in the legitimization thereof in the first place (hence couldn't possibly have consented to), and that were never applied equally to the their makers. I can't remember who said about this trap of self-justification by arguing from unjust laws; it might have been Simone de Beauvoire I guess.
It's interesting that the middle sequence of questions, i.e. "how do I know that I know whether I am good enough?" was left hardly engaged with. I feel that I may say something about my state of mind when articulating this kind of questions, and attempt at an answer.
I was feeling that I must not only justify myself, but also justify justification. It is a bit similar to (but much less benign than) how Jorge Luis Borges and Stanisław Lem wrote that it's impossible to write, for to write anything, one has to simulate the entire universe and civilizations from the beginning. I fear that any justification may be found to be wrong and used against me. I fear beckoning more torture. But who is the interlocutor that must be incessantly appeased by my Perfect Discourse of Justification (and the doomed attempt to put myself up to its level)? Only one who doesn't care about me. If they were to care, some common ground would have to be found within the shared worldly experiences, the metaxy.
It also appears that the statement "I am good enough" or "I am not good enough" are value statements thinly veiled as factual statements. And here they encounter David Hume's guillotine. The even more troublesome statement is "that I ought to be able to derive the ought from the is before stating an 'ought' statement," which immediately meets the guillotine of the second order.
Furthermore, it can be stated that a world in which I don't have to proceed with perfect knowledge before disclosing about my good-enoughness is infinitely better than a world in which I have to. I think it was again Simone de Beauvoire that said a world in which we can err and fail is much more preferable than one in which we can't, because the latter one could only be achieved after our arms had been so twisted by arbitrary power that we couldn't do or conceive of anything outside their dominion.
And since it's clear which one is the preferable, it's clear what kind of course of action should follow.
posted by runcifex at 3:20 AM on April 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Feeling good enough feels like okay. It feels like happy, like not anxious, like not needing anything.
posted by lokta at 5:45 AM on April 30, 2018
posted by lokta at 5:45 AM on April 30, 2018
It's interesting that the middle sequence of questions, i.e. "how do I know that I know whether I am good enough?" was left hardly engaged with.
Strictly speaking for myself here: I did not engage with it because I don't understand it well enough.
posted by Too-Ticky at 1:01 PM on May 1, 2018
Strictly speaking for myself here: I did not engage with it because I don't understand it well enough.
posted by Too-Ticky at 1:01 PM on May 1, 2018
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Environment has a lot to do with this self-assessment. When I was working in tech I was haunted by the feeling of not being good enough because everyone around me was going on about quantifiable metrics and that thinking seeped in. I imagine it would be even worse if my SO didn't see me as smart, capable, strong, decent and beautiful.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:59 AM on April 28, 2018 [7 favorites]