Oh, it's just you.

April 21, 2018 5:09 AM

In November, we got a 2 year old rescue mutt who has gone from a deeply depressed dog to a sweet, silly pup... when my wife and I are both in the house. When it's just one of us - either one - she suddenly becomes something of a standoffish loner.

At first I thought it was me; our dog would hang out with us, being lovable and having fun, but when my wife would leave for work or an errand, the dog would leave the room and go lay somewhere by herself. I could call her for a walk and she'd come, but other than that, she wouldn't want to have much to do with me. However, the second my wife came back, the dog would suddenly run back and be my best friend.

I thought the dog was afraid of being with me alone, but it turns out it wasn't me specifically - this same behavior apparently happens when I'm gone and my wife is at home alone, too. I'll come home, the dog will be hanging around and playing, but it's because she heard me start to come in the door. I'll walk in and my wife will say "This is the most I've seen of the dog since you left."

When she's being a loner, she doesn't seem afraid or nervous, just introverted. "Oh, you came into the room... I'm going to go somewhere else." When we're both in the house, the dog will go nuts for treats, but when it's just me, she doesn't seem to care.

The dog is engaged with both of us when we're both at home and in different rooms of the house, and will go back and forth to see us, or lay in a middle place where she can see both of us. We don't have to be in the same room for her to go back to being playful, just both in the house.

Any thoughts? She's not in distress, and she still behaves (no accidents or chewed up things) when she goes off on her own, but it's a little worrying seeing such a radical change in her personality when one of us leaves or comes home.

posted by eschatfische to Pets & Animals (14 answers total)

Do you and your wife follow a routine? As in, every day, your wife leaves for work first, and then you leave, and then after work your wife gets home first, and then you do? How common are errands? Because it’s possible that your dog is just resting when one of you is gone, and knows it’s playtime when you both are home. Dogs sleep a lot.

You say she doesn’t have an interest in food - but try saving high value treats, like cheese or pieces of chicken, to give only when one of you is home alone. Have her do some tricks, lavish praise, practice “look” or “watch me”. Do you go to training classes as a whole family? If so, try going individually.

Basically, I wouldn’t be too concerned. It sounds like your dog sees the two of you together as “yay happy fun pack” and one of you as “time to rest up for happy fun pack”.
posted by umwhat at 5:21 AM on April 21, 2018 [7 favorites]

Response by poster: We do both work full time and have a routine, and what you said is true - but I guess I should have mentioned that this is at its most extreme when there's a break from routine. For example, when one of us is away on business for several days, she will be standoffish and distant for several days, and then immediately go back to being best pals once everyone's back in the house.
posted by eschatfische at 5:36 AM on April 21, 2018

Sounds like she had a hard start to life, and that can leave a lot of marks. Sometimes dogs will essentially go into standby mode if confused - she might respond really well to having a crate to retreat to for these times. I'm not saying that's definitely what this is, but it's a possibility. You haven't been with her for all that long and she's made a ton of progress in that time but this seems like something that will change as years pass and she has lived more of her life in a stable loving home than not. Maybe not, this might just be the way she is, but I really don't think there's much to be done about it other than gentle positive reinforcement and lots of love.
posted by Mizu at 5:55 AM on April 21, 2018 [4 favorites]

My husband says the same thing about our dog. When the whole pack isn't here it's my dog just sits and pines and worries about the one who is away.
When ever I get back home my husband makes a remark "Oh, now everything is ok?" jokingly to the now happy dog.

When the whole family goes for a walk it's like the best thing that's ever happened to him. You can just see how happy he is. When it's just me and him, it's a bit mundane.

My guess is it's a bit severe case of a-pack-member-is-missing-right-now.
posted by beccaj at 6:21 AM on April 21, 2018 [16 favorites]

Dogs like jobs and expectations. Most dogs anyway. Continue working on sit, stay, and being a good walker. Teach her to respond to the doorbell in a non-barky way (I like dogs that go fetch something or lay down on a special pillow/mat, because excited dogs freak me out when I’m in a new space or otherwise anxious). You can slowly and gently train her to sit near you with treats and commands.

Give her some jobs/tricks/commands for when she’s alone with one of you.

And like others said, some of this is resting.
posted by bilabial at 6:26 AM on April 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

There might be something in that dog's past that's taught it that being home with just one person is unsafe.

I suggest just letting the dog be the dog, if that's what the dog wants to do. Eventually, boredom will win out over history.
posted by flabdablet at 8:35 AM on April 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

I think you're reading too much into this. If she's not acting afraid or aggressive she's probably just being lazy in the way dogs are. They sleep a LOT because in the wild they have to preserve their energy for the hunt. She's likely excited when you're both home, but when one of you leaves she starts to get bored and sleepy and goes to laze around. The same thing happens with my dog. If you're home alone with him you barely see him, but as soon as other people start coming home he wakes up and pops up and is ready to play.

If she's worse when one of you is out of town she probably just misses that person! Again, completely normal. Extra love and positive reinforcement will help. She'll likely adjust more to people coming and going as time goes on.
posted by Amy93 at 8:46 AM on April 21, 2018 [3 favorites]

My guess is the dog was abused by someone who did it only when no one else was around to witness it.

And instead of blaming the person responsible, she blamed the situation -- which actually did probably make for a better life than constantly being afraid of that person would have.
posted by jamjam at 9:51 AM on April 21, 2018

You are reading too much into this, and it's not a big deal. When her pack is there, she wants to be around her pack. If her whole pack isn't there, she does her own thing, which for most dogs will be primarily napping. It doesn't mean she was abused in any way. When biscotti is away at an agility weekend, I'm usually home with our middle dog Tish. She was born in our house, has been with us her entire life, and I can absolutely guarantee that nothing traumatic has happened to her, ever. Seriously, we hardly ever murder her. She spends those weekends like your dog -- some days I only see her between breakfast and dinner when she's built up a full bladder and wants out.

If you don't like this behavior, which isn't a good indicator of anything bad, then each of you should just reward being with you when the other isn't home.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 11:16 AM on April 21, 2018 [6 favorites]

All my dogs are like this to some extent. Totally normal.
posted by bongo_x at 11:58 AM on April 21, 2018

My dogs, who are all pretty chill and friendly, are a little like this too. They come in my office to sleep all day while my husband is gone, and they're responsive to me, but there's truly joy when he's home (especially once he's come in and changed clothes or whatever and joined us in the living room), and they mostly won't eat until he's home. They just really love when the pack is together.

Dogs spend a lot of time in what I call power-saving mode, and I think they save up their biggest energy expenditures for pack-time. The dogs often go to bed before we do, so they still get worn out when we're all together.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:22 PM on April 21, 2018

I have an 11-ish year old rescue mutt named Fido(requisite pic) who does exactly this, and has for years. Moreover, since moving last year to a 2 story house, he now pretty-much-immediately relocates himself to the other floor from whomever is home with him whenever the other person leaves, and stays there until everyone is home again.

Of course, he also always greets us at the door with a toy when we return, and he's very cuddly and affectionate when we are both here - but when it's just one of us, Fido couldn't give a shit.

(Fido always likes treats though. In conclusion, dogs are a land of contrast. Thank you.)
posted by namewithoutwords at 12:32 PM on April 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Our dog is like this too, and it's a running joke that she will ignore you and disappear until the whole pack is back together. I go to a weekly event where Mrs Molerats and the dog drop me off and pick me up. She (the dog) knows the routine and loves the car.... and yet Mrs Molerats reports every week that the dog disappears and sulks until it's time to get me again. (Your post title is funny, in fact, because we both voice the dog disappointedly saying "oh, it's you" when one of us comes home without the other.)

We joke that we really can't ever get divorced because the dog would go to pieces.
posted by nakedmolerats at 6:50 PM on April 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Well alrighty, sounds like this is just how it is. Our last dog would generally follow me around the house if my wife wasn't around, or get wildly excited if either of us came home whether alone or en masse, so I guess that's what I was used to. Thanks for all the guidance!
posted by eschatfische at 7:10 PM on April 21, 2018