How to NOT make friends at work...but kindly?

April 20, 2018 11:49 PM

I'm not interested in socializing with my coworkers outside of work- but they want to. I turn down invitations at least twice a week, but they haven't gotten the message. How do I avoid burning professional bridges when I don't want to build personal ones?

I have 4 coworkers who are at my professional level and work in close proximity to me. We don't directly collaborate. They often invite me to do things during work or outside of work, but I don't want to socialize with them because:
-They're just...not my people. They're perfectly nice, but I don't have much fun with them and often find it stressful because we're on totally different wavelengths. We often end up talking about work, and I want to leave work at work.
-I only have to stay at work long enough to get my work done, and they often want to go to extended lunches or have long personal chats during the day, which means I end up having to stay late.
-I'm pretty busy socially and want to invest my limited time in things and people that feel fulfilling.
-I've been burned by friendships with coworkers in the past in ways that have had professional consequences- I'd like to avoid having personal issues affect my professional life.

I feel bad, because I think they're mostly lonely and wanting to make friends, and work is a convenient place to do that. I've been there and I get it, and I don't want to make them feel worse about something that's already hard. I'm friendly in a professional way to them and usually have legitimate excuses for turning things down, but the invitations keep coming. What do I do to avoid hurt feelings?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (20 answers total)

What do I do to avoid hurt feelings?

Honestly, I think the only way to do that is to join them once in a while, perhaps for a few of the lunches or something else you can do more or less during work hours, and be up front about being too busy to socialize outside work or to stay late. (You can go to lunch and say you need to get back to the office if they want to linger.) Read some articles or have some neutral, work-adjacent rather than purely job-related topics on your mind to keep the conversation moving in a relatively impersonal way.

If they already socialize together quite a bit, they are probably continuing to invite you because they don't want to feel like they're excluding you. Once they get a better sense of your boundaries, they will probably ease up.
posted by rpfields at 12:16 AM on April 21, 2018 [33 favorites]

You can casually mention that you're an introvert or homebody. That will help them feel like it's your temperament, rather than their personalities, that's making you avoid socializing.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:23 AM on April 21, 2018 [3 favorites]

If you don't want to hang out with coworkers outside of work, don't do it. You don't have to feel bad or guilty about how you spend your free time.

It's not your problem if they are lonely. That sounds harsh but it's not your job to fix their loneliness, if you don't want to.

Keep being professionally friendly and keep saying no. They'll stop asking eventually.
posted by loveandhappiness at 3:50 AM on April 21, 2018 [6 favorites]

I think you have to go to lunch or out after work with them occasionally and try to set it up on a schedule like once a month, and gradually taper off to every other month. Getting to know them just a little better will help with the how was your weekend conversations at work and ease other in-work interactions. You can set up your boundaries the way rpfields suggests and be upfront and unapologetic that you're too busy outside of work to socialize regularly or need your lunchtimes to yourself or need to leave at quitting time, or whatever.

If you figure out your limits and communicate them, they'll be more comfortable not inviting you, going without you, and feeling free to discuss what they did in front of you, and you'll feel less like screaming inside every time they do throw an invitation your way.
posted by Gnella at 3:51 AM on April 21, 2018 [6 favorites]

"How can I avoid making friends at work" [Ask A Manager]
posted by jazzbaby at 4:26 AM on April 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

I get that you’ve had negative professional consequences from having friends at work. But what you want to do here will likely have negative professional consequences as well. I wouldn’t dismiss these people as just lonely. In fact, that seems a little condescending to me. If there are four of them, they don’t need you. They are trying to include you, so they will see you as rejecting a kindness. Saying no because they aren’t your people can hurt you. They don’t have to be your people for you to have a friendly lunch every two weeks. Consider it a part of your job. rpfields’ advice is good.

The only professional advice my successful father gave me was to have lunch with coworkers. He had seen how people who kept to themselves hurt their careers.
posted by FencingGal at 6:07 AM on April 21, 2018 [43 favorites]

We have a communal coffee/break/lunch room. One of the ways I dealt with this issue was making sure to regularly make a cup of tea/coffee in the morning in that room (I usually got in 15 minutes prior to normal work start time) or to have lunch periodically in that room, which meant I was around for casual conversation as people drifted in and out. I kept to my normal break/lunch times ... no extended times, which can look bad. Can you just do occasional coffee break type stuff with these people, either in a similar room or a nearby place?

I do agree though with others that you might consider occasionally going out to lunch with the group. The work talk is inevitable, but I sometimes gleaned useful info. during those lunches. Also agreeing with this: Read some articles or have some neutral, work-adjacent rather than purely job-related topics on your mind to keep the conversation moving in a relatively impersonal way.

(My excuse for not doing lunches or other occasions out too much is genuine ... I'm watching my weight).

I also want to add that I have been in situations where I was deliberately excluded/not invited on these types of group lunches. It was problematic in a different way. I get why you don't want to do too much socializing with co workers, but props to these people for being inclusive. Please keep trying to find a way around totally rejecting them.
posted by gudrun at 6:51 AM on April 21, 2018 [7 favorites]

I have been in situations where I was deliberately excluded/not invited on these types of group lunches. It was problematic in a different way.

Came back to say this. I've never been the one left out, but I've seen it happen to others, and it is really damaging. Whenever I see that, or think it's happening, I do my best to fix it. Don't be too quick to dismiss your co-workers' kindness.

Re topics to discuss, I have even gone so far as to deliberately seek out news/articles etc. in order to have something to bring up when spending time with someone who is "nice but not my people." It really does help.
posted by rpfields at 7:07 AM on April 21, 2018 [4 favorites]

I never want to go, but I always hate it when I am not asked. It's a shitty dynamic. I've yet to figure it out. I try to go sporadically enough to make it impossible to say "she NEVER goes with us," but - ugh. I would never go AT ALL if I could. I want to get away from these people, not spend my valuable break time, off-hours time and other personal time with them. Feeling your pain.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:36 AM on April 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

Not sure what your business is, but every business I’ve ever been in quite a lot is done at lunch and drinks and dinners. You not only may be doing yourself a career disservice, but you’re actually not getting the job done.

An important point is that these folks don’t have to be your friends and probably don’t even want to be your friends. They’re not asking for an investment of intimacy or trust.
posted by MattD at 7:50 AM on April 21, 2018 [11 favorites]

I completely sympathize with you...but grit your teeth and do a bit of it anyway. Consider it a necessary investment in your career. You want people to think of you as "one of us," a person who is given (professional) gossip and can ask for help sometimes. And working relations tend to be a bit smoother with people you have some familiarity with. This is just a fact of life in most workplaces.

You don't have to share your deepest hopes and dreams. Just go be friendly. There are ways to visibly show up, harmlessly engage, and then get out having made the minimum investment. Go for a lunch, say you have to get back after an hour. Or go for one drink, but then you have to get home to feed your cat or whatever. My office has fairly regular small parties. Even though I like most of my colleagues, I find the random hunt for someone to make random small talk with tiring. But I go for like twenty minutes so I look like I feel like part of the group. Sharing a banal joke or two goes a long way. Then I've got work to do.

(It's even slightly possible you might end up liking them more than you do now.)
posted by praemunire at 9:16 AM on April 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

How do I avoid burning professional bridges
Go to lunch with them at least once a week. Tell them I really only have 45 minutes, so I may have to leave early. If they go out, drive separately. At 12:45, I have to get back to the office now, see you back there. It was super-fun to visit with you. Make sure you get a compliment in about how you like going to lunch; that's to ease the leaving early, and also for general goodwill. You will become the person who leaves early; they'll get used to it.

Don't say I'm pretty busy socially to them. If you are asked out for after work say This is a bad night for me. If they go someplace nearby for drinks, maybe join them once every other month, for 1 drink, and leave promptly. Make sure want to invest my limited time in things and people that feel fulfilling is never, ever communicated at work, ever. You can say you're busy, taking a class (if true), busy with family, whatever. No outright lies, because being caught in a lie because you don't want to spend time with people is bad.

Before any lunch, have a list of topics in your head. If talk turns to Chris in Accounting or Terry in IT, no comment from you, unless it's a bland Oh. Terry has done perfectly fine work when I have been involved. Just bring up an alternate topic as soon as possible. Did anybody else see "Little Women" last night/ try that taco stand next to the gas station/ have an outrageous electric bill this month? Did you all get that email from corporate about the TPS cover sheets? What am I missing? Any work-related talk should be neutral and gossip-avoidant. Assume that all co-workers gossip all the time about everyone. Try to be friendly with everyone. No criticism or gossip from you.
posted by theora55 at 9:35 AM on April 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

I've been excluded from some team stuff and it's awful. Especially when people talk about work and you miss out on knowing things that will impact your work life. Gossip can be crappy and negative but it can also be valuable - it can tell you who to avoid (especially men with poor boundaries) and help you anticipate shakeups - like, my team has noticed some changes in behavior on the management team which likely point to future changes in leadership. Chatter about how Krista the temp does sub-par work, or might be sleeping with Pat in IT, I don't participate in.

You can think about the time you can allocate to team outings and then when you get invited you can say "gosh thanks for inviting me, I'm slammed this week between work and other obligations, but I can do lunch/drinks the week of the 30th." You can also propose outings that are more to your liking and less conducive to gossip: "I'm slammed this week but next week there's a lecture at the library that's relevant to our work/a fun movie/a fundraiser."
posted by bunderful at 10:13 AM on April 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

I agree with folks who say it's better to be asked than excluded, and that it makes sense to at least occasionally participate as an investment in your career. I'm probably the sort of person you dread who likes to do lots of social things with people from work (sorry!). I definitely do NOT hold it against the less social people at all, but I try to remember to ask them to participate even if I know they will often say no, because I don't want to be clique-y and exclusive or make them feel like they would not be welcome. I'm definitely not offended when people say no, but I wouldn't stop asking for those reasons.

And, I think the occasional meal/drink is probably a good professional investment. If it's not your favorite thing, you can always just look at it as another semi-annoying work task like filling out paperwork or doing your annual self-evaluation for your performance review, etc. There is one guy in our office who NEVER comes to social outings, always goes straight into his office and closes the door without chatting with anyone.. I totally get it and don't dislike him or anything, but I do think he sometimes ends up out of the loop on broader office decisions and stuff like that. It's obviously his choice and he may totally not care, but if you do, I would just budget a small amount of time to these events.
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:58 PM on April 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

Like some have said, I think its a good idea to grit your teeth and at least go sometimes too. Makes you seem a bit more reasonable, rather than stiff and closed off.

I do understand where you're coming from, but still; suck it up every so often.
posted by Willow251 at 5:21 PM on April 21, 2018

Go to lunch or happy hour once in a while, like once a month or so. Don’t view it as “making friends” or even “hanging out” - view it as part of your job. It helps grease the wheels with people you want to have a good working relationship with. Also, studies have shown that people who socialize with coworkers get better reviews and more promotions. Your coworkers are likely social not because they’re lonely, but because they’ve observed this.

And - do you necessarily HAVE to stay longer if you take a longer lunch on a given day? Are you paid hourly? Based on the office jobs I’ve had, unless you’re hourly or in a situation with a manager who watches your time like a hawk, you can usually get away with a longer lunch break once in a while without having to work later that very day. (Of course, if you have a big deadline that day, just don’t go! Save it for a slow Friday or something)
posted by lunasol at 11:09 PM on April 21, 2018 [3 favorites]

I agree with what others have said go occasionally. Look at these outings as an extension of work. You are not there to make friends but to bond as coworkers.
posted by tman99 at 8:13 AM on April 23, 2018

I have been on the other side of this, eg one of the group of colleagues who constantly invite, only in our case it is more like 7 to 8 people, colleagues who regularly go out after work, and often also share lunch.
We have one colleague who prefers not to join, for reasons I suspect rather similar to you.

We do keep inviting her however, mostly because it feels quite rude not to do it. We do not wish to appear cliquish or like excluding her. But none of us are offended if she declines.
She does join occasionally for lunch, but never in the evenings, and it is fine.
of the group I know her best so I have been designated to invite her, which I try to keep short and sweet, simply letting her know our plans, not even verbalising the question, which makes it is easy for her to decline.

I suggested this to the group after I got to know her a little better as our offices are next door to each other (everone else is on other flooors), we got quite friendly, and she told me she hates the social stuff.
So maybe there is one of those 4 you could approach casually over coffee, and tell them you just prefer not to go? She gave me no explanation and I did not ask for one either. But she also told me specifically she wants to be kept informed in case she changes her mind or it is a lunch she can do.

So maybe see if there is a person in the group who could become such a "mediator"?
posted by 15L06 at 4:27 AM on April 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

It sounds like you know what you want, and are not worried about your profession suffering by not hanging out with them. I can think of tons of jobs where this is the case, and where networking with coworkers is close-to-useless, if not problematic. Anyways!

What do I do to avoid hurt feelings?
Keep turning them down with your legitimate excuses. When you don't have a legitimate excuse, make one up. I think that's the most polite, socially acceptable way to proceed. It sucks that they are not taking the hint, but it's totally not your problem. Mad respect to you for maintaining good work boundaries!
posted by sweetjane at 12:26 AM on April 25, 2018

I absolutely understand and agree that you shouldn't have to spend your free time with them, or lengthen your work day to lunch with them. But you are also right that being collegial is part of the job. So how about other ways to be collegial but minimize the time spent:

Bring a snack and leave it in the break area; cheerfully tell everyone to go have some.

Volunteer to be the one who picks up a cake for someone's birthday at work.

Organize an in-house potluck lunch; escape back to your desk a bit early.

Bring everyone a souvenir (or group souvenir of food) from a work trip.
posted by Knowyournuts at 10:46 AM on April 26, 2018