Help me Phrase This

April 20, 2018 11:03 AM

A person keeps changing my preferred name in an email chain and I don't know how to correct it, firmly, politely and once and for all without distracting from the content of the conversation but before everyone else decides to use the wrong name for me, too. Not a gender issue, just a manners one.

I have a common in the US woman's first name that comes with a variety of nicknames. Assume "Elizabeth"--I use the full fancy "Elizabeth" version professionally; my family and social circle through my family use the child's diminutive nickname "Lizzie". UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES EVER DOES ANYONE CALL ME "LIZ" (except my ex-husband).

I'm very good at correcting people in person but I'm stuck in an email chain for a volunteer gig (that I was brought into through a family member thus as "Lizzie") with someone who clearly thinks that no grown woman uses a child's nickname and keeps responding to things I sign as "Lizzie" with "Liz". I don't know when I will next be in the same room with this person and I need this to stop but I don't know who to handle this in a text, not personal, environment.

posted by crush to Human Relations (17 answers total)

Not a gender issue, just a manners one.

i wouldn't be too sure about that. I have seen women be misnamed way more often than men.

That said: I've seen it shut down, too, and the most effective approach is a couple public "Elizabeth, please, not Lizzie" comments.

It's your name. It's your right to be called by the right name.
posted by uberchet at 11:06 AM on April 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

Email (only to her, of course): "Hi, just so you know, I actually do go by 'Lizzie.' Thanks!"
posted by praemunire at 11:06 AM on April 20, 2018 [10 favorites]

I would write a short and direct email. "So excited to be volunteering on this gig. By the way, I go by Lizzie, not Liz. Take care, Lizzie."
posted by anya32 at 11:06 AM on April 20, 2018 [16 favorites]

I have a similar problem. I always introduce myself as Richard (business) or Rick (family). I don't mind other variations that start with R (Ricky, Rich). But I do not like being called Dick or Dicky. I have found that nothing works for some people except to Correct. Them. Every. Time. "Please, my name is Richard." "I don't think there's anyone here named Dick." "I really hate being called Dick. Is it that much of a problem for you?" "Robert, how would you like it if I called you Dobby?" If you have to do it more than once, start copying the whole group so no one else will think it's OK.
posted by ubiquity at 11:10 AM on April 20, 2018 [6 favorites]

Yeah, if it's just this one person address it privately (via email) first - praemunire's wording is great. Hopefully that does it but if that doesn't work, try a couple of breezy public corrections in the vein of "Looking forward to $volunteeractivity, but please please don't call me 'Liz'!" and/or change your signature for this email chain to "Lizzie 'Don't Call Me Liz' Lastname."
posted by mskyle at 11:14 AM on April 20, 2018

Just email her separately that you go by Lizzie. I used to work for someone named William and people he didn't know assumed all the time that he went by Bill - so I don't think it's necessarily a gender thing. This person probably knows someone named Liz and has a hard time getting out of that mental box. I would try to approach this from the perspective of it being a genuine mistake and not something to get super worked up about. If you don't go into it with an annoyed tone, this is not a big deal for you to bring to their attention.
posted by something something at 11:16 AM on April 20, 2018

"Please, call me Kim, not Kimberly. If you use Kimberly I won't know you're referring to me."
posted by kimberussell at 11:16 AM on April 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

I would actually reply-all on this because she's spreading misinformation about your name to the whole list.

"Thanks for ccing me on this Marge. Everyone, FYI, my name is Lizzie not Liz. Just want to avoid confusion going forward. Thanks!"

- From someone who goes by their non-legal name so often is in confusing email chains using my legal name that no one calls me
posted by latkes at 11:27 AM on April 20, 2018 [24 favorites]

I also have multiple nicknames except definitely not one common one, and hate this, and don't usually do anything about it, but a big introductory email chain (UGH) would probably get me going. If you have something to add to the giant email chain, I'd include the information in a ps. If you want to be generous you could say "I usually go by Lizzie but you can also call me Elizabeth." If not, I'd write to the person individually and phrase it however you normally phrase it in person.
posted by tchemgrrl at 11:31 AM on April 20, 2018

Is it possible that this person has you entered in their contacts as Liz, and that the email client is doing this? My son used my amazon kindle to use amazon with his account, which is the account on that device. I used email on it and though I was in theora55's account, my friend got the email with my son's name in the name field, with my accurate email address. Email clients vary, some of them are weird, bossy, and refuse to change. Perhaps email this person, ask that they check their contacts for your entry, and correct as needed. It's easy to blame technology even if it's a human thing.
posted by theora55 at 11:56 AM on April 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

I like latkes' suggestion, but without the last two sentences. No need to soften it, you are not being outrageous or rude by asking to be referred to by your own name:

"Thanks for ccing me on this Marge. Everyone, FYI, my name is Lizzie not Liz."
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 11:59 AM on April 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

My Australian tendency to shorten everything means I unconsciously do this sort of thing on a not infrequent basis. I appreciate being corrected when it bothers someone, either privately or in public.
posted by zamboni at 12:05 PM on April 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

It’s possible that she thinks Lizzie is family-only and is defaulting to Liz so as not to seem overly familiar. I like praemunire’s script and wouldn’t become terse unless she continues to use the wrong name after being corrected.
posted by delight at 1:11 PM on April 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

My name is Stephen. Yep, the "ph" version. Which I *hated hated hated* when I was a kid, because it was odd, seemed to me, and why couldn't I be a *normal* Steven, with a "v", and not like some bible guy who clearly couldn't spell correctly. So, it was Steve. *I* was Steve. Big Steve sometimes -- the shortest I've ever been is tall for my age.

In my 20s I went through a series of changes that rocked my world, shook me to my shoes, beat the living shit out of me. I didn't know if I was coming or going, I didn't know whether to shit or go blind, it was all I could do to keep my head above water (figuratively), it was all I could do to keep that pistol out of my mouth (literally.) It all came to a head when I was 27, not that I wasn't still shaking and shaken and wasn't still shook but I'd hit a pivot point, and very, very slowly began to on some days get a foot onto solid ground, sometimes even for a minute. I began to learn to walk. Slowly by slowly, I began to cobble a life together.

Along about 2 years later, or 3 years maybe, I get to looking at my name and turns out I like the "ph" version. Here I've got this name that I like, and want to actually use, and began to use. It was easy as pie with people that were new into my life, no one had a problem with it because why would they? And people who cared about me, they'd slide back sometimes but never grudgingly, just absently.

And then there were the people who just flat out would not call me Stephen. Didn't matter how many times I asked them. Didn't matter how many times I told them. They took pleasure in refusing a simple request. I didn't understand it at first but really it was pretty simple -- they acted this way because they were pieces of shit. I did mention that to a few of them, which was amusing, but in short order I happened upon an easier way, perhaps more elegant, certainly more civil: I told them that my friends called me Stephen.

And that was that. It put the choice squarely on them -- are you my friend? Call me Stephen. Otherwise, you are not my friend. And you are not in my life. Period. It actually was a pretty good cull -- why would I want these people in my life? Answer: I didn't want these people in my life. And I cut them.

Do it however you'd like but it will have more juice if you call her out in a group email. I promise you, everyone knows the game she's running, and they'll get a kick out of seeing you stomp her.
posted by dancestoblue at 2:15 PM on April 20, 2018 [9 favorites]

I'm not proud of this, but when I had to deal with a colleague who meticulously changed every instance of my first name to the way they thought it should be spelled (including in their outlook contacts, ffs) I would deliberately make typos in their name every time it came up. They got mad, called me out in an e-mail chain, and I got to reply with a ‘now you know how it feels’. They apologized, normal spelling service was resumed and peace was felt across the land.
posted by scruss at 4:21 PM on April 20, 2018 [8 favorites]

When people insist on truncating my name I truncate theirs.

That tends to highlight the point, especially if their name is not polysyllabic.
posted by Construction Concern at 5:39 PM on April 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

My deadname is a name that's most frequently the diminutive of one of the most common masculine names in the English speaking world. I always went by my actual name. Despite being very conflict avoidant, I never hesitated to correct people (generally politely, the first time or two), who shortened it to the more common form.

I would probably just send an email to the person who's doing it, but I don't think there would be a anything wrong with correcting them on the chain itself. As for phrasing, I like anya32's
posted by Tabitha Someday at 7:20 PM on April 20, 2018