Trying on boys' clothes...and not feel weird about it

April 11, 2018 3:35 PM

I would like to buy a boy's suit for my adult woman self. I'd like to try things on in the store before buying. Help me not feel super weird about it.

I am AFAB and veering toward the realm of genderqueer. I've had a lot of success with shirts made for boys-- like, male children--and am confident that a boy's blazer would fit me great. There are several stores in my city that specialize in boys dresswear (with brands like Tallia, Hugo Boss, etc), and I rather like the stuff they carry. If possible I'd like to visit the stores in person and try the jackets on-- I'm either a boys 14 or 16, depending on the brand.

I've had some weird stares and interactions from salespeople and other customers shopping in the boys department before, though, and would like to get over my anxieties about being treated like a perv. I have no qualms about shopping in men's and do that often, but there's something about children's clothing that seems especially tabooed. Any tips for navigating this? I know a lot of adults buy children's clothes for themselves-- how do you get over feeling so weird?

And, just so the perimeters are clear-- I have zero interest in buying a woman's suit, no matter how few girly frills with which they are adorned. I already own everything Uniqlo has to offer. It has to do with the curves-accentuating cuts and the darts and the length and all that. I would LOVE to shop in men's, but XS is always too long and baggy even in European brands and cost a fortune to tailor.

posted by redwaterman to Clothing, Beauty, & Fashion (33 answers total)

Best answer: pretend you're 20 years older than you are. You're you, just in 20 years.

20-years-older-you will have a whole lot fewer fucks to give. I promise. I mean, I don't know how old you are, but just speaking for myself, I can feel my quiver of available fucks shrinking by the month. I can barely remember what it was like to care what other people thought, or to think that they cared about what I was doing in the first place. (Mostly they don't, by the way. Everyone's busy with their own stuff.)

Hold onto that vision. Let your future you light up present you with the sometimes lonely but always liberating glow of zero fucks.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:43 PM on April 11, 2018 [41 favorites]

Bring a friend! With a buddy along, you can concentrate on them rather than anyone else, and if you do see someone giving you the stink eye you can both roll your eyes and laugh at their provincialism.
posted by ejs at 3:47 PM on April 11, 2018 [5 favorites]

I know a lot of adults buy children's clothes for themselves-- how do you get over feeling so weird?

I'm a cis woman who buys girls (and occasionally boys) clothes, so it's not really quite the same concern. But I don't typically shop in stores that *only* have kids clothes, so there's no reason someone would be speculating about what I'm taking into the dressing room. I can see that it might feel a little weird to be trying on clothes as an adult in a store that only expects kids to be trying on clothes.

(But really? I've never thought twice about trying on kids clothes. The women's stuff so rarely fits, and I have to have clothes. And besides, kids stuff is usually cheaper.)

And I doubt that the store really cares who wants to buy their stuff or why, as long as you're buying stuff! And until you step into the dressing room, who's to know you're not shopping for your brother, or a cousin, or...
posted by leahwrenn at 3:47 PM on April 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

Develop a narrative. You are shopping for your nephew, and wouldn't you know it, you're just about the same size. And heck, this jacket is cute enough, I may just have to borrow it from him.

(Really, to hell with anyone who would judge, but if your fake narrative were true, would you feel as weird about it?)
posted by slipthought at 3:49 PM on April 11, 2018 [14 favorites]

Kind of orthogonal to your question, but if your bank account can handle it, I can highly recommend just buying without trying on in store, and returning whatever doesn't fit after you try things on at home. I know that doesn't really answer your question, but I started doing it this winter when I was too lazy to take off my lace-up boots and layers, and I'll never go back. It is so nice to be able to try on clothes in your own home and pair with other items already in your wardrobe!

Failing that--since you're specifically looking for jackets, would it feel less weird to try them on out in the open? Like wear the kind of top you'd wear with a blazer, and then use one of their floor mirrors to evaluate the fit? I'm wondering if the unease you're feeling is related to "adult in private children's dressing room" and if this would help alleviate it.
posted by stellaluna at 3:55 PM on April 11, 2018 [7 favorites]

Maybe the internet can be helpful here? Order online from a place with a generous return policy. Getting a really good fit is usually harder with a blazer than a dress shirt, admittedly, but if you get close enough maybe you can find a local tailor to get you the rest of the way.
posted by tobascodagama at 4:04 PM on April 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

I've been more comfortable with larger department stores where I can pick up things from multiple departments and as long as the number is under the dressing room limit it totally makes sense to just take it all into the women's dressing room with me and check out later instead of making a bunch of small transactions. Or just picking up only what I'm interested in and then going to the women's dressing room.

The idea I guess is that people don't really think about where I found what I want to try on. In my experience, it's very common for parents /other adults to buy clothes for children without them present, especially boys, as they often are socialized to not enjoy clothes shopping. I know that when people aren't confident in what they're doing other people can pick up on that and then an awkwardness loop can start happening.

For me, doing this has gone well in Macy's, Primark, and H&M in Boston. However, I usually shop in the men's section because of my size, so I don't know if that will make a difference. Although, if the clothes you're carrying would fit, I don't think they would look out of place.
posted by Verba Volant at 4:08 PM on April 11, 2018 [7 favorites]

What about going to a store with a personal shopper service and telling them exactly this? I feel like Nordstrom would be able to handle it gracefully - they are so customer service focused and before you meet with your shopper you will have a chance to explicitly state what you want/don't want and what sizes you need. They will fill a fitting room in whatever part of the store you are most comfortable in, even if it's not the same place the clothes came from. This service is free, by the way. They only make money if you are happy and buy something.
posted by joan_holloway at 4:09 PM on April 11, 2018 [16 favorites]

This seems so ... not weird ... to me. And I wouldn't have even thought to associate the word "pervy" with your proposed shopping trip. ESPECIALLY since blazers don't even require going anywhere near the dressing rooms.

Can you picture cheerfully enlisting the salesperson for help? That type of store is bound to have them. Walk in rocking your favorite boy's shirt, tell them that you found it in the boy's section, which inspired you to come to them to try on some blazers. If they react with anything other than excitement at the possible commission, that's on *them*. Walk out, try the next one.

On preview: The cheerfulness is to avoid the awkwardness loop that Verba Volant described better than I had.

(Also - I'm about your age, and in the last year or two I've achieved the dramatic decline in number of fucks to give that fingersandtoes describes. It's amazing.)
posted by Metasyntactic at 4:11 PM on April 11, 2018 [7 favorites]

I forgot to add - it could be easier to find stores that might carry boys and men's clothes so that you have multiple options for trying things on and can go with whatever seems best at the time.
posted by Verba Volant at 4:12 PM on April 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

I do this without qualms. I'm in the same boat as you--boys' shirts, shoes, and socks fit me and it's usually cheaper. When you're doing an activity that you're self-conscious about, you tend to get hyperalert to any glancing or staring. In this instance, the worry is unnecessary. The worst case is that a few closed-minded people think you're weird for buying clothing that's cheaper and fits well. In this gloriously capitalist society, spending money is a virtue to the companies you're buying from. Relish the experience.

I also second stellaluna about buying online. For example, I do this with Old Navy clothing. The boys' jackets in size L and the boys' button up shirts in size XL fit me very well. Since Old Navy also allows free returns, it's become easier to simply purchase online after I checked a few times in person.
posted by Iron Carbide at 4:12 PM on April 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

I'm guessing these are fairly fancy stores, which drastically increases the odds you can march up to a salesperson and say "I'm in the market for a blazer" and have them not bat an eye. It's terrifying, but, especially if you live in a city, you will not be the first afab person to have done this.

It's not terribly interesting fashion-wise (and expensive), but (if you're in the US) Brooks Brothers might be an option worth considering if you'd feel more comfortable framing things as "I might need a boy's size" rather than going into a shop with only children's sizes. (Obviously virtually any department store will have blazers in a full range of sizes, but that'd be two totally different sets of sales people.)
posted by hoyland at 4:14 PM on April 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Your actual narrative - women's suits aren't well made and don't fit correctly - is all you need. Brace yourself with affirmations I'm a customer; I know what I want. I deserve respect. Don't look for side-eye. Be prepared to give side-eye to anyone who is disrespectful or unpleasant. Ask if boys' suits get hems at no charge. Ask the salesperson to get you a different size or color if you need it.
posted by theora55 at 4:14 PM on April 11, 2018 [23 favorites]

"Why yes, my nephew is my same size. Not that's any of your business. Unless we need to take this up with your manager?"


You're a paying customer and have every right to be shopping there. Don't let anyone give you shit, especially salespeople. If it's customers giving you weird looks, stare them down.


The more you act self confident and in control, the less likely people are to look at you funny. And even if they do, so what? That's their problem, not yours. You rock you and to hell with anyone who gets in your way.
posted by Jacen at 4:15 PM on April 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

I think Just Take A Bunch of Stuff Into the Nordstorm Fitting Room plan will work great for you if you feel self-conscious. HAVING SAID THAT, I buy boys blazers sometimes because I am small and they fit me well, and I seriously just walk into the store and try them on and no one cares -- with the caveat that I am a cis woman and very femme. But truly, I do think that "boys blazers just fit me so much better, and I can't find one in the women's department that I like" will smooth over most anything.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 4:19 PM on April 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

I'm a lesbian and I've bought men's suits in Nordstrom's on both coasts and never gotten anything but excellent and professional service. If you have one near you, I vote for going to them.
posted by rtha at 4:24 PM on April 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

Leave all the fucks you have to give about what other people think of you shopping in the boy's department at home, if you can. Find a nice box somewhere, put them inside and tell them you'll be back in a few hours.

No one, and I mean NO ONE, is allowed to have one moment of your concern until you get back. Ignore all glances, looks, whatever. I'd bet money that no one will care, but when you've got anxiety about something, it's easy to overanalyze people.

March in with your head held high, and act like this is a totally normal thing. Because, well, it is. We don't all have a body that fits with what stores deem to be the right size or shape. You are not the only one who does this, nor will you be the last.

If anyone gives you a hard time, Countess Sandwich has a great line.

Best of luck. I bet you'll find something perfect.

PS- you can leave those fucks in the box permanently if you wish. If they try to escape, toss a heavy brick on the box lid.
posted by ananci at 4:25 PM on April 11, 2018 [5 favorites]

It might help you feel more comfortable to phone (possibly email) ahead of time and explain what you're planning and essentially make an appointment. This would go over well somewhere like Nordstrom where they are particularly focused on customer service.
posted by vunder at 4:55 PM on April 11, 2018

Half the time i'm in the mens department, there are more women shopping there than men. Just ignore the other shoppers, shop with confidence - no one should care.
posted by TheAdamist at 5:12 PM on April 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I'm going to have to go with others in saying this is not at all remarkable for people presenting as female since historically men and especially boys in the US don't do a lot of their own clothes shopping. If you feel like you're getting side eye, it's not likely to be real (or at least not about what you're asking about here).

And even if they are, try not to care, it's perfectly fine to shop wherever you feel like the clothes you want are likely to be. Anybody with a problem with that has their own personal problem they need to deal with, not you. Good luck!
posted by wierdo at 5:22 PM on April 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

My experience with Men’s Wearhouse as a person appearing female was very positive, but I was also in San Francisco so your results may vary.

I second using a generous return policy to try on at home instead.
posted by blnkfrnk at 5:27 PM on April 11, 2018

For a little perspective: just try to imagine how much worse your plight would be if you were (...perhaps an unusually petite...) man shopping in the girls department! I get weird stares just for looking through the women's scarf selection, so I have no doubts that security would be called if I was taking my time shopping for clothes meant for girls. You might be considered weird by some, but if the gender situation were reversed you would be considered potentially dangerous, and, in some cases, forcibly expelled.

In your place, I would be grateful for the fact that while some people may indeed think I'm weird, they are unlikely to go so far as to ascribe criminal intent to my behavior. Fly the freak flag boldly!
posted by tenderly at 5:35 PM on April 11, 2018 [4 favorites]

In any store you're trying things on, the retailer's objective is to take your money in exchange for their wares. I would disregard any other potential concern of theirs as not in their best financial interests. Your only true objective should be: if it fits, buy it.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 5:39 PM on April 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

Complete gender swap, but 5 years ago (I'm closing on 50) I was buying some shoes for drag. My first. For the dress my wife was with me, but for shoes I was on my own. I was trying to be discrete and quickly in and out of the discount shoe outlet, but the 20 something sales lady asked, jokingly, "so are these for you" and somehow I stuttered out "yes" and she said "awesome! But I think I have some better options, what are you trying for?" and we spent a while looking at options.

I'm in the outskirts of the SF Bay Area, it's a little easier here, but I think there's a good chance you'll get someone excited to help you outfit yourself if you lay it out there.

And there are a lot of clothing statement friendly, if not outright queer friendly, folks in clothing sales.
posted by straw at 5:41 PM on April 11, 2018 [4 favorites]

I just came across this (written by feminist and anarchist Voltairine de Cleyre in 1908) and thought it might help embolden you:

Beyond these, there was a wild craving after freedom from conventional dress, speech, and custom; an indignation at the repression of one’s real sentiments and the repetition of formal hypocrisies, which constitute the bulk of ordinary social intercourse; a consciousness that what are termed “the amenities” were for the most part gone through with as irksome forms, representing no real heartiness. Dress, too,—there was such an ever-present feeling that these ugly shapes with which we distort our bodies were forced upon us by a stupid notion that we must conform to the anonymous everybody who wears a stock-collar in mid-summer and goes dé-colleté at Christmas, puts a bunch on its sleeves to-day and a hump on its back to-morrow, dresses its slim tall gentlemen in claw-hammers this season, and its little fat gentlemen in Prince Alberts the next,—in short, affords no opportunity for the individuality of the person to express itself in outward taste or selection of forms.
posted by tenderly at 6:02 PM on April 11, 2018 [5 favorites]

Best answer: heya, I'm a trans guy and I wear boys sized clothes. I felt awkward going into the boys section before I passed as male, but no one cared enough to say anything even when they were obviously for me. I would NOT try on clothes in the same dressing rooms that kids use. There is too much scrutiny about gender and dressing/locker/bathrooms these days and you do not want some parent after you. I pass 100% as male now and if I want to try on boys clothes, I take them across the store into the men's department. If the entire store is children's clothes, I think you should try them on at home.

It's very normal for trans & gender non-conforming people to be very self-conscious and paranoid when they are first presenting as their true selves. Fortunately, the vast majority of the general public doesn't care at all about AFABs. A small minority will give you a weird look and unless you're in an extremely conservative area, that's as far as it's likely to ever go.

(I'm surprised Uniqlo men's XS didn't fit you since we wear the same in boys sizes. ASOS also has absurdly small men's stuff though I've only bought casual items, never suits.)
posted by AFABulous at 7:07 PM on April 11, 2018 [8 favorites]

Best answer: Just saw hoyland's response and I agree that upscale places are going to be more amenable and comfortable. I know someone who worked at Brooks Brothers and I asked her about this when I was coming out. She said no one in the store would care at all.
posted by AFABulous at 7:13 PM on April 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

Do you have an Indochino showroom near you? I don’t think mens vs boys suits register when everything is custom and I’m sure they wouldn’t blink at measuring you up for a suit. If not, there are at-home measuring instructions. They’re really quite reasonable in price too.
posted by supercres at 8:59 PM on April 11, 2018

Response by poster: oh wow-- really floored with all the amazing tips and empowering words!! thanks so much everyone-- super helpful.

AFABulous-- yeah... I have a bunch of uniqlo men's XS. Sleeves and shirt tails are always too long though. My arms and legs are proportionally short.
posted by redwaterman at 3:56 AM on April 12, 2018 [1 favorite]

Kate Hepburn. Tilda Swindon. Channel your inner diva. Men's clothing on women is timeless.
posted by TrishaU at 6:13 AM on April 12, 2018

Cis-woman here. I buy boys XL instead of women's M for things like camping gear, because it is significantly cheaper. For me it's just part of hacking the consumerist system. Women's long johns are $54 but kids' are $35? See you in the Boys department! I'm sure my frumpy cis middle aged appearance (and the associated IDGAF attitude) make it easier for me, but I feel a kind of subversive pleasure in stepping outside of the marketing categories and using what they've produced, in being the hunter instead of the "target audience." Just sharing in case any of this is at all helpful, and to say that I think it's awesome that you've found stuff in the Boys department that works well for you.
posted by salvia at 8:37 AM on April 12, 2018 [2 favorites]

Cis-woman here. I buy boys XL instead of women's M for things like camping gear, because it is significantly cheaper.

Seconding this. I’m also a cis woman and I thought I was a freaking genius when I realized I could get significantly cheaper, better-looking, better-quality things like blazers, windbreakers and sneakers in the boys section of stores.

It’s totally legit and normal to prefer the aesthetics and fit of clothes not specifically marketed at you. I thought it was great when cis hipster dudes were shopping “ womens” jeans. Age and gender are really useless shopping categories anyway. Things should be divided by size, fit type, and whether they come in a normal range of colors or, perplexingly, only turquoise and purple (womens sneakers).

This might be dumb but I think I feel like I’m committing a tiny act of political rebellion when I buy clothes for boys instead of women. Like: fuck you, you cant shame me into overpaying for clothes I don’t really like.
posted by mrmurbles at 1:31 PM on April 12, 2018 [4 favorites]

Anecdata. My partner went into Brooks Brothers Toronto and got measured for a made to order suit, and the head tailor was actually thrilled to have a challenge as my partner is built like Jessica Rabbit but presents stone butch. They wound up redoing the jacket for an even better fit. Now admittedly it took much longer than normal, and having to make appointments to meet with the one tailor who could handle it was not great, but the people were good. My partner acted like paying money for clothing in the style they wanted was perfectly normal and it so it was.

Not to say it wasn’t a bit anxiety making. But just go in there and ask for what you want. I bet you get it.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:05 AM on April 15, 2018