Walking on bad eggshells
April 9, 2018 11:09 PM Subscribe
Help me talk to my partner about their foot odor.
My partner has very bad foot odor. It is not noticeable on a normal day but it is overpowering if they take a long walk or when the weather warms up. I know for a fact that our friends notice it too.
They are not in a healthy mental place right now and they have struggled with body image issues for most of their life so that makes this sensitive subject even harder to bring up. I would like to find a loving, delicate way to approach this.
My partner has very bad foot odor. It is not noticeable on a normal day but it is overpowering if they take a long walk or when the weather warms up. I know for a fact that our friends notice it too.
They are not in a healthy mental place right now and they have struggled with body image issues for most of their life so that makes this sensitive subject even harder to bring up. I would like to find a loving, delicate way to approach this.
Go for a couples' pedicure.
Once you manage to broach the subject, it can be solved with about $150:
Throw out all their socks and buy them 20 new pairs.
Throw out the worst two pairs of shoes as well.
Make sure they have two pairs of everyday shoes (leather or fabric, not fake leather) that they can rotate between so the shoes can dry out completely between wearings.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:53 PM on April 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
Once you manage to broach the subject, it can be solved with about $150:
Throw out all their socks and buy them 20 new pairs.
Throw out the worst two pairs of shoes as well.
Make sure they have two pairs of everyday shoes (leather or fabric, not fake leather) that they can rotate between so the shoes can dry out completely between wearings.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:53 PM on April 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
How many pairs of shoes do they have? It's important to not wear the same pair two days in a row so one pair can fully air out before being worn again. This will help the foot odor as well as prolong the life of the shoe, especially if they'd like to wash their shoes (many washing machines will support special racks for this and it can really help corral foot odor.)
Go shoe shopping with your partner to get a second pair of walking shoes. While you're out, pick up some foot/shoe powder, and some new squishy socks. Make it feel like a package deal, like these are just the things that you get when you get shoes, same as getting a lightbulb when you buy a new lamp. Be excited about going for springtime/autumn walks with your partner.
I'm sure that they know they have smelly feet. But there can be a lot of guilt and mental gunk to work past in order to start handling the issue. If you can normalize some of the aspects of foot hygiene it might help them to help themselves, or even better, they'll bring it up to you first and then you can help them more directly.
posted by Mizu at 11:59 PM on April 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
Go shoe shopping with your partner to get a second pair of walking shoes. While you're out, pick up some foot/shoe powder, and some new squishy socks. Make it feel like a package deal, like these are just the things that you get when you get shoes, same as getting a lightbulb when you buy a new lamp. Be excited about going for springtime/autumn walks with your partner.
I'm sure that they know they have smelly feet. But there can be a lot of guilt and mental gunk to work past in order to start handling the issue. If you can normalize some of the aspects of foot hygiene it might help them to help themselves, or even better, they'll bring it up to you first and then you can help them more directly.
posted by Mizu at 11:59 PM on April 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
"Hey, partner, I've noticed that your feet and shoes can get stinky. I've had other friends in the past who had this, too, and here are some of the things they talked about as being helpful."
This approach normalizes it, makes it clear your partner isn't the only person in the world to have stinky feet, and drives right into things they can do about it.
They'll probably have a big reaction -- it's hard to hear any part of you smells bad -- but you can reassure them that you love them and just want the best for them and know they wouldn't want to go around with smelly feet and no one saying anything about it.
posted by spindrifter at 3:26 AM on April 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
This approach normalizes it, makes it clear your partner isn't the only person in the world to have stinky feet, and drives right into things they can do about it.
They'll probably have a big reaction -- it's hard to hear any part of you smells bad -- but you can reassure them that you love them and just want the best for them and know they wouldn't want to go around with smelly feet and no one saying anything about it.
posted by spindrifter at 3:26 AM on April 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
Very sorry to say that the hygienic remedies above don't work in the serious cases.
But there is a solution, it's easy and fairly cheap and here it is.
Basic foot spray (Odor Eaters, etc) mostly also works and might be easier to approach in this situation.
The wording though, that's rough. Suggest something along the lines of (before you head to door) "you look great! Ready? Oh hey let's try this before we go out, hold on" [spray your own feet, then theirs, don't make it a big thing, move on.]
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:26 AM on April 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
But there is a solution, it's easy and fairly cheap and here it is.
Basic foot spray (Odor Eaters, etc) mostly also works and might be easier to approach in this situation.
The wording though, that's rough. Suggest something along the lines of (before you head to door) "you look great! Ready? Oh hey let's try this before we go out, hold on" [spray your own feet, then theirs, don't make it a big thing, move on.]
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:26 AM on April 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
Make it a "you" issue. Ie. "I'm really adverse/sensitive to stinky feet/foot odor."
Then go about treating both of your feet.
Lots of good ideas above, but also medicated foot powder generously dumped in shoes and boots works very well as do the treated insoles. Replace footwear often and use natural fibre socks, preferably wool, and wash on hot with vinegar.
posted by OnefortheLast at 7:58 AM on April 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
Then go about treating both of your feet.
Lots of good ideas above, but also medicated foot powder generously dumped in shoes and boots works very well as do the treated insoles. Replace footwear often and use natural fibre socks, preferably wool, and wash on hot with vinegar.
posted by OnefortheLast at 7:58 AM on April 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
The item fingers and toes links to is $40 because it is 4 packs. You can buy a single pack for around $10, to try it out.
I think you are asking for a lot more than just a product that you can casually recommend to your partner, since you say they already have body image issues. The answers are different if you live together or not and also who handles the cleaning and laundry. You could start by telling them one particular pair of shoes really stinks and suggest they throw them out. You can spray or powder every shoe in the house as part of spring cleaning. You can buy them new socks, but try for the same style they currently wear, and also get rid of the old ones.
Telling your partner that something is wrong is hard, and this is more than just a one time issue. I have stinky feet and if it was bothering others, I would want my partner to tell me in a loving way and hug me. Then I'd like them to ask if I want help or suggestions. Phrasing it in a way that is supportive is important. You can get more stern or demanding if they continue to ignore it after you have told them in a nice way, but just blurting out "Your feet stink!" is not going to be helpful the first time.
posted by soelo at 8:13 AM on April 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
I think you are asking for a lot more than just a product that you can casually recommend to your partner, since you say they already have body image issues. The answers are different if you live together or not and also who handles the cleaning and laundry. You could start by telling them one particular pair of shoes really stinks and suggest they throw them out. You can spray or powder every shoe in the house as part of spring cleaning. You can buy them new socks, but try for the same style they currently wear, and also get rid of the old ones.
Telling your partner that something is wrong is hard, and this is more than just a one time issue. I have stinky feet and if it was bothering others, I would want my partner to tell me in a loving way and hug me. Then I'd like them to ask if I want help or suggestions. Phrasing it in a way that is supportive is important. You can get more stern or demanding if they continue to ignore it after you have told them in a nice way, but just blurting out "Your feet stink!" is not going to be helpful the first time.
posted by soelo at 8:13 AM on April 10, 2018 [2 favorites]
There are also products like SteriShoe. I have one pair of work boots at a time per my company's policy, and due to my work they frequently get wet. UV disinfection and a fan make all the difference.
posted by k8oglyph at 8:15 AM on April 10, 2018
posted by k8oglyph at 8:15 AM on April 10, 2018
If rotating out shoes isn't an option, a boot dryer can make a world of difference. I have this one, and using it daily plus some foot powder has improved the stinky foot problem in my house immensely.
posted by little king trashmouth at 9:03 AM on April 10, 2018
posted by little king trashmouth at 9:03 AM on April 10, 2018
I would first figure out if it's the foot or the shoe that's the problem. Like, do their feet stink fresh from the shower, or only when they've been in shoes? There are various types of shoe material, insole material etc that just do not get along with body chemistry in some/all people, and it's not so obvious if you don't wear the shoes very often but if you do it's just awful. And then there's just some people who need shoes with protective inserts and aeration (or UV sanitizers) because that's how their feet are.
It would be gentler, I think, to be able to say, "I think those shoes there have aged out and need to be retired, they're pretty fragrant" and treat this like the pretty normal thing it is. Just like hey, this happens, let's get some fresh shoes in here. If the issue persists, you can move on to "I guess maybe you should try some Lotrimin next, maybe that's all it is."
posted by Lyn Never at 9:40 AM on April 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
It would be gentler, I think, to be able to say, "I think those shoes there have aged out and need to be retired, they're pretty fragrant" and treat this like the pretty normal thing it is. Just like hey, this happens, let's get some fresh shoes in here. If the issue persists, you can move on to "I guess maybe you should try some Lotrimin next, maybe that's all it is."
posted by Lyn Never at 9:40 AM on April 10, 2018 [3 favorites]
I think it's way less stressful to make it Not A Big Thing and just call it out in the moment when you're alone with your partner and noticing the foot odor. "Hey, your feet kinda smell, could you wash them and maybe do XYZ next time?" where XYZ is any of the solutions suggested in this thread.
posted by capricorn at 11:13 AM on April 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by capricorn at 11:13 AM on April 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
They are not in a healthy mental place right now and they have struggled with body image issues for most of their life so that makes this sensitive subject even harder to bring up.
I don't know whether this is true for your partner, but I have some health issues that get worse when I'm depressed... and make me more depressed when they get worse. And the depression makes it feel like there's nothing I can do about it. If my spouse, who's seen me struggle with these things over the years, were to lovingly and non-judgmentally do something to help (if they offered to make the phone call to get an appointment and then come with me to the appointment, for example) I think I'd appreciate it.
Best wishes to you and your partner.
posted by Lexica at 11:32 AM on April 10, 2018
I don't know whether this is true for your partner, but I have some health issues that get worse when I'm depressed... and make me more depressed when they get worse. And the depression makes it feel like there's nothing I can do about it. If my spouse, who's seen me struggle with these things over the years, were to lovingly and non-judgmentally do something to help (if they offered to make the phone call to get an appointment and then come with me to the appointment, for example) I think I'd appreciate it.
Best wishes to you and your partner.
posted by Lexica at 11:32 AM on April 10, 2018
Pick up foot powder and new socks for both of you. Announce that you think that you both have a bit of athlete's foot and had better nip it in the bud before it gets bad. Treat your own feet cheerfully while around your partner. Treat their shoes if they are within grabbing range. Pass them the athlete's foot powder. "I left your can in the bedroom on your side of the bed." etc.
If you have shared a bed or walked barefoot around your partner you probably do have athlete's foot and it it wouldn't hurt to treat it - although, of course, most of the time it doesn't get out of control enough to notice it. But if you were to walk around in damp shoes for eight hours it would probably make itself visible. So you are not lying when you say you both have it, nor are you wasting your time and money treating yourself. You don't want the tiny amount of bacteria currently on your feet to turn into something smelly.
These infections are no biggie, very normal, easy to treat if you can afford enough shoes. However they tend to manifest strongly for people who have diabetes so that is something to watch out for.
Replacing their shoes would be very helpful, and you know what...? It's spring and time to buy new shoes anyway! A pair of sandals is often very helpful for someone with stinky feet, as the sandals allow their feet to dry out.
If your partner is the kind who enjoys it, once their feet are freshly out of the shower and not smelling bad sit on the couch and play with their toes or give them a foot massage. You want to non-verbally express to them that their feet are not repulsive.
If you treat this the same way as you would treat sharing a chicken dinner with them they won't think of it as a crushing repulsive personal trait.
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:22 PM on April 10, 2018
If you have shared a bed or walked barefoot around your partner you probably do have athlete's foot and it it wouldn't hurt to treat it - although, of course, most of the time it doesn't get out of control enough to notice it. But if you were to walk around in damp shoes for eight hours it would probably make itself visible. So you are not lying when you say you both have it, nor are you wasting your time and money treating yourself. You don't want the tiny amount of bacteria currently on your feet to turn into something smelly.
These infections are no biggie, very normal, easy to treat if you can afford enough shoes. However they tend to manifest strongly for people who have diabetes so that is something to watch out for.
Replacing their shoes would be very helpful, and you know what...? It's spring and time to buy new shoes anyway! A pair of sandals is often very helpful for someone with stinky feet, as the sandals allow their feet to dry out.
If your partner is the kind who enjoys it, once their feet are freshly out of the shower and not smelling bad sit on the couch and play with their toes or give them a foot massage. You want to non-verbally express to them that their feet are not repulsive.
If you treat this the same way as you would treat sharing a chicken dinner with them they won't think of it as a crushing repulsive personal trait.
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:22 PM on April 10, 2018
This can be an infection - bacterial overgrowth (usually, micrococcus sedentarius), or a fungal infection. A clue is if the smell is sulphuric, like rotten eggs, which points to a bacterial infection. In that case, in addition to all the measures others have suggested, it's worth going to a doctor. They'll prescribe antibiotics (cream or pills) to kill the infection.
This situation happened with my partner (though without the added body image issues). I said something along the lines of: "I have noticed your feet seem much smellier lately than usual, maybe you have picked up some kind of foot infection? I think you should go to the doctor's to get it checked out".
That worked well. He went to the GP, got good advice on foot hygene, and also it turned out it was indeed an infection so he got the required medical help.
posted by yesbut at 1:12 AM on April 11, 2018
This situation happened with my partner (though without the added body image issues). I said something along the lines of: "I have noticed your feet seem much smellier lately than usual, maybe you have picked up some kind of foot infection? I think you should go to the doctor's to get it checked out".
That worked well. He went to the GP, got good advice on foot hygene, and also it turned out it was indeed an infection so he got the required medical help.
posted by yesbut at 1:12 AM on April 11, 2018
Assuming it's not a legit medical issue I can speak to this a bit. I mean, I am prone to having stinky feet is what I mean to say. I can't speak to the functional 'how to broach this subject' but I did like the recommendation above that you start doing X or Y and encourage your partner to follow, that'd make me feel less singled out about a body issue that sets me apart from the crowd (I'm super sweaty too, being in the south and living with that has been fun, let me tell ya.)
Tips follow:
- I'm lucky enough to not have to wear boots or work shoes on a daily basis. Birkenstocks are great, the sandals I mean becase,
- AVOID CLOSED TOE SHOES THAT YOU WEAR WITHOUT SOCKS AT ALL COSTS, they will smell like death and your feet will to, very little room to recover once the shoes are shot.
- Rotating shoes is a good option to help, but likely won't solve anything outright.
- Baking soda also can't hurt, ditto for any sort of absorptive powder.
- The cream linked above isn't bad. It may help. It didn't help me but didn't hurt either.
Things that I haven't seen mentioned follow below here:
- Someone said pedicure, that's good I guess (I've never had one) but you can/should get a foot skin scraper thing and use it on the regular. Microplane versions beat out the stones by a long shot.
- Wool socks (NOT thick ones, obviously) are helpful as well, they seem to combat odor. Low profile socks are a good idea to try out. Smartwool or Darn Tough are your go-to here.
- And finally, this may sound silly, make sure that they are actually washing their feet in the bath/shower. As in, get a loofa or scrubbie (washrags aren't as good) and encourage a good, rough scrub each bath session. I honestly, as a guy anyway, was raised and tended towards something like this image (there's a better image out there I saw a friend on facebook post about 'areas guys wash with soap and the rest being 'water only, ok, no problem' or some such') excepting number 6 as soap-worthy. At the risk of revealing my gross-ness, that was certainly part of the problem.
I hope that helps, don't push too hard and I think you'll get some relief.
posted by RolandOfEld at 7:33 AM on April 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
Tips follow:
- I'm lucky enough to not have to wear boots or work shoes on a daily basis. Birkenstocks are great, the sandals I mean becase,
- AVOID CLOSED TOE SHOES THAT YOU WEAR WITHOUT SOCKS AT ALL COSTS, they will smell like death and your feet will to, very little room to recover once the shoes are shot.
- Rotating shoes is a good option to help, but likely won't solve anything outright.
- Baking soda also can't hurt, ditto for any sort of absorptive powder.
- The cream linked above isn't bad. It may help. It didn't help me but didn't hurt either.
Things that I haven't seen mentioned follow below here:
- Someone said pedicure, that's good I guess (I've never had one) but you can/should get a foot skin scraper thing and use it on the regular. Microplane versions beat out the stones by a long shot.
- Wool socks (NOT thick ones, obviously) are helpful as well, they seem to combat odor. Low profile socks are a good idea to try out. Smartwool or Darn Tough are your go-to here.
- And finally, this may sound silly, make sure that they are actually washing their feet in the bath/shower. As in, get a loofa or scrubbie (washrags aren't as good) and encourage a good, rough scrub each bath session. I honestly, as a guy anyway, was raised and tended towards something like this image (there's a better image out there I saw a friend on facebook post about 'areas guys wash with soap and the rest being 'water only, ok, no problem' or some such') excepting number 6 as soap-worthy. At the risk of revealing my gross-ness, that was certainly part of the problem.
I hope that helps, don't push too hard and I think you'll get some relief.
posted by RolandOfEld at 7:33 AM on April 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
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I think you need to get all the things helpful and make them available, then bring it up.
Start spraying your shoes with athlete's foot powder. Start soaking your feet regularly in Epsom Salts. Bring it up. Tell them to do same. Get a cream to apply.
If your partner has athletes foot (they do) treating yourself, too, is preventative. Make the buy-in easy by having everything on hand.
If you don't live together, just bring it up. Dump them if they don't treat their feet. If they won't take care of this, they are bad longterm relationship material. Living together is serious, you need a partner that will address and course correct on big issues and small for trust to work.
Memail for rec's on treatments diy and medical. I know about this.
posted by jbenben at 11:21 PM on April 9, 2018 [3 favorites]