Overcoming the distance..
April 2, 2018 12:02 PM Subscribe
What advice would you give someone going through a serious long distance relationship?
I'm interested in hearing success stories about overcoming distance, insecurities and the reality of being apart from someone you love. What was really important and crucial for the relationship to survive.
Thanks!
I'm interested in hearing success stories about overcoming distance, insecurities and the reality of being apart from someone you love. What was really important and crucial for the relationship to survive.
Thanks!
Do not make major life decisions you would not otherwise tolerate the outcome of on the basis of an LDR.
posted by PMdixon at 12:17 PM on April 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by PMdixon at 12:17 PM on April 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
Most of this advice is about feelings, not practical tips. But I think it's important anyway.
1. Don't do long distance if you haven't spent a significant amount of time in physical proximity already, enough to be quite sure you want to commit for however long the distance will last. Relationships that start out primarily long distance are not a good idea. Ask me how I know.
2. It will mostly suck and you'll be often sad, but you know something, a long distance relationship has a lovely, forlorn, romantic quality to it that a part of you might find weirdly satisfying, if you're into that sort of thing? I got a lot of poems out of it, is all I'm saying.
3. Build rituals to compensate for the loss of physical connection. Note the plural. And I mean rituals as in routines for regular connection and contact (it's understood that Sunday mornings are Skype time, there will be texting every night at bedtime, etc), but also more esoteric rituals like if one of you goes on a hike you will always bring back a pebble for your beloved as a way to say "wish you had been there with me." These things will come to mean a lot to you.
4. If you expect monogamy/fidelity, do not do long distance unless you trust each other without question. Like, the idea should make you LOL or roll your eyes and not even give it a second thought. Your faith may or may not be misplaced, and nobody knows what may happen tomorrow, but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about both of y'all's attitudes going in. You have to have blind trust, or else you must abort this mission right now.
5. Long distance may kill your relationship, or it may strengthen it, or it may change it, or you, or both of you, or only one of you, in unexpected ways. Prepare to go with the flow. Nothing is guaranteed. Your plans will be all for naught, including any plans you make for the very possibility of things changing between you. You're both jumping off a cliff. It will be an adventure. Treat it as one, and don't tie your soul's wellbeing to any fixed outcome.
Good luck, hon.
posted by MiraK at 12:29 PM on April 2, 2018 [23 favorites]
1. Don't do long distance if you haven't spent a significant amount of time in physical proximity already, enough to be quite sure you want to commit for however long the distance will last. Relationships that start out primarily long distance are not a good idea. Ask me how I know.
2. It will mostly suck and you'll be often sad, but you know something, a long distance relationship has a lovely, forlorn, romantic quality to it that a part of you might find weirdly satisfying, if you're into that sort of thing? I got a lot of poems out of it, is all I'm saying.
3. Build rituals to compensate for the loss of physical connection. Note the plural. And I mean rituals as in routines for regular connection and contact (it's understood that Sunday mornings are Skype time, there will be texting every night at bedtime, etc), but also more esoteric rituals like if one of you goes on a hike you will always bring back a pebble for your beloved as a way to say "wish you had been there with me." These things will come to mean a lot to you.
4. If you expect monogamy/fidelity, do not do long distance unless you trust each other without question. Like, the idea should make you LOL or roll your eyes and not even give it a second thought. Your faith may or may not be misplaced, and nobody knows what may happen tomorrow, but that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about both of y'all's attitudes going in. You have to have blind trust, or else you must abort this mission right now.
5. Long distance may kill your relationship, or it may strengthen it, or it may change it, or you, or both of you, or only one of you, in unexpected ways. Prepare to go with the flow. Nothing is guaranteed. Your plans will be all for naught, including any plans you make for the very possibility of things changing between you. You're both jumping off a cliff. It will be an adventure. Treat it as one, and don't tie your soul's wellbeing to any fixed outcome.
Good luck, hon.
posted by MiraK at 12:29 PM on April 2, 2018 [23 favorites]
Hoo boy. I recently got out of a very-long-distance LTR, and my recommendations are: don't. Pretty much ever. If you can possibly avoid it. If you absolutely must go against this advice:
- There needs to be an expiration date (e.g., as Candleman said, someone finishing school, or definite plans for one party to move to the other's city at a given point, etc.). A temporally open-ended LDR is unworkable. Trust me. This is the biggest recommendation I have.
- Plan things to DO together, rather than simply talking. Long chats on Skype are great and everything, but if you think about the experience of being in a couple normally, a lot of it is actually DOING things together - a movie and dinner, board games, going to the park, going to the pub with friends, walking the dog, washing the dishes, etc. Doing things together helps you build memories and creates things to talk about. You can still do this virtually, although it's harder. Screenshare on Skype to watch Netflix movies together, play games online together, invite mutual friends for a group Skype, even pick a recipe for dinner or dessert and cook/bake it "together" (each on your own, but with Skype video on).
- If you don't naturally fall into a communication pattern/frequency that you are both happy with, decide on one together. Will you Skype for half an hour before bed every night, religiously? Text throughout the day? Have "date night" for a couple of hours a few times a week? Decide and make sure you are both happy with the frequency of contact.
- At least in my experience, the pace of everything seems to move slower in a LDR than normally: engagement, marriage, etc. These aren't concerns that everybody shares, but if you are hoping that the relationship is going to go in that direction, it's important to be intentional about that from the get-go and to have a timeline in place personally for what you are willing to tolerate. Otherwise, the naturally decelerated pace can cause progress to drag. I would recommend scheduling regular check-ins about the health of the relationship. You don't want to do this too often because then the bulk of the relationship becomes a referendum on the relationship, but you should do it on occasion. I'd probably recommend scheduling a check-in every couple of months to talk explicitly about the relationship, how it's going, progress, etc.
posted by ClaireBear at 12:34 PM on April 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
- There needs to be an expiration date (e.g., as Candleman said, someone finishing school, or definite plans for one party to move to the other's city at a given point, etc.). A temporally open-ended LDR is unworkable. Trust me. This is the biggest recommendation I have.
- Plan things to DO together, rather than simply talking. Long chats on Skype are great and everything, but if you think about the experience of being in a couple normally, a lot of it is actually DOING things together - a movie and dinner, board games, going to the park, going to the pub with friends, walking the dog, washing the dishes, etc. Doing things together helps you build memories and creates things to talk about. You can still do this virtually, although it's harder. Screenshare on Skype to watch Netflix movies together, play games online together, invite mutual friends for a group Skype, even pick a recipe for dinner or dessert and cook/bake it "together" (each on your own, but with Skype video on).
- If you don't naturally fall into a communication pattern/frequency that you are both happy with, decide on one together. Will you Skype for half an hour before bed every night, religiously? Text throughout the day? Have "date night" for a couple of hours a few times a week? Decide and make sure you are both happy with the frequency of contact.
- At least in my experience, the pace of everything seems to move slower in a LDR than normally: engagement, marriage, etc. These aren't concerns that everybody shares, but if you are hoping that the relationship is going to go in that direction, it's important to be intentional about that from the get-go and to have a timeline in place personally for what you are willing to tolerate. Otherwise, the naturally decelerated pace can cause progress to drag. I would recommend scheduling regular check-ins about the health of the relationship. You don't want to do this too often because then the bulk of the relationship becomes a referendum on the relationship, but you should do it on occasion. I'd probably recommend scheduling a check-in every couple of months to talk explicitly about the relationship, how it's going, progress, etc.
posted by ClaireBear at 12:34 PM on April 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
Also, just to touch on the more emotional element, I would echo much of what MiraK said. Even with what was an ideal partner, I found the experience of an LDR overall an unpleasant one, and at many points I was abjectly miserable. It was for me the worst elements of being single combined with the worst elements of being in a bad relationship - loneliness, lack of physical contact, and lack of a person to share quotidian life with, and locked into things with an inability to date or search for someone else who could relieve the misery of the experience (since I was already coupled up). It felt like being in horrible limbo indefinitely, without the agency to change the situation. Emotionally I felt unable really to put down roots locally, since my locus of self felt largely with him far away; and logistically I spent time talking with him that otherwise I would have spent in person with friends, so I felt pretty isolated in my location.
Would I do it again? I absolutely wouldn't do again the type of LDR I already did, no matter how incredible the person. I would consider an LDR again under very specific circumstances - the most key one being that the distance aspect is temporary and plans to be back together in person afterwards are in place. I would also schedule regular check-ins, either with my partner or even alone, to take stock of how I was feeling, how the relationship was going, and whether not I could keep doing the distance for the amount of time required. I would be prepared to have unexpected (or unexpectedly strong) feelings about the situation - likely negative ones - and to be prepared to honor those. Basically, the key thing I would change is to be much more self-aware and intentional about the entire situation, especially its future.
posted by ClaireBear at 12:57 PM on April 2, 2018 [5 favorites]
Would I do it again? I absolutely wouldn't do again the type of LDR I already did, no matter how incredible the person. I would consider an LDR again under very specific circumstances - the most key one being that the distance aspect is temporary and plans to be back together in person afterwards are in place. I would also schedule regular check-ins, either with my partner or even alone, to take stock of how I was feeling, how the relationship was going, and whether not I could keep doing the distance for the amount of time required. I would be prepared to have unexpected (or unexpectedly strong) feelings about the situation - likely negative ones - and to be prepared to honor those. Basically, the key thing I would change is to be much more self-aware and intentional about the entire situation, especially its future.
posted by ClaireBear at 12:57 PM on April 2, 2018 [5 favorites]
I have had a few long-distance relationships and found them to be very positive experiences. While they did not last, it wasn't because they were LDR but rather because, ultimately, that person and I were not the right one for each other in the end. The relationships were very deep, meaningful, romantic, sexy, and fun. The distance was hard at times but allowed for us to have time apart and develop as individuals while also having the anchor of the relationship. Our visits were wonderful as you can really focus on fun and romance when you're free from the day-to-day drudgery. I visited new places, both abroad and domestically, and had the chance to meet new people and see different ways of life. While dating someone nearby would be ideal, I live in a small town without a lot of options so long distance is pretty much the way I have to go if I want to stay here and also have a relationship with someone I care about. I did not find having a specific end in sight was necessary but rather lead to more stress when it was too early: instead just enjoying things and letting them develop organically while always having an upcoming visit to look forward to -- be it in three days, three weeks or three months helped. However, that worked for me and perhaps not for you.
It's all about trial and error and asking yourself what you really want and need. It may surprise you. A relationship need not all to result in marriage and/or cohabitation for it to be a success. A relationship need not last forever for it to be meaningful or special. What do you really want? Why are you with this person? Etc. It's OK to just want to have fun but, if you are hoping for something more and always disappointed, then perhaps it isn't working for you. I see that you ask a lot of questions relating to anxiety: I deal with anxiety, too, so I feel you. I found that the relationships worked fine despite my anxiety, in some ways even better, but it's definitely something that you need to be pro-active about because you won't have the day-to-day reassurances of human touch and other forms of physical affection. Of course, the distance can then make the times when you do connect especially meaningful or explosive ;-) but it's usually hard even when it's good.
For me, I needed the following: a deep connection and true mutual motivation to make it work. You both need to feel your connection is special, that your partner is someone extraordinary (in your eyes) and perhaps even there is a bit of destiny involved in why you are together. (Because why else would you be in a serious LDR with them?!) You need to be on the same page about communication: maybe it's texting all day or maybe it's two long Skype calls a week, maybe it's knowing each other's schedules by the hour or maybe it's more of an escape where you avoid the day-to-day. What would you like? Last but not least, it helps to have the time and resources to travel. Sometimes you're going to want to see your partner but really need a weekend off to relax and focus on work. You want to make sure you have strong friendships and other relationships so you can gather strength and joy through them, too. You want to keep up with your passions and creative outlets and exercise because staying happy and healthy is good not just for you but the relationship, too.
So, that's my take on things. I'm very pro-long-distance relationship based on my experiences and personality. However, they're not for everyone. Still, immediately moving for someone you fall for without a safety net is pretty bold: sometimes it becomes this beautiful love story but so often it doesn't work out. In that case, starting long-distance is definitely the right decision but it's also totally OK to say to someone that you care for them but don't have it in you to do the distance thing. I hope that you find something that works for you and is worth the work!
posted by smorgasbord at 1:18 PM on April 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
It's all about trial and error and asking yourself what you really want and need. It may surprise you. A relationship need not all to result in marriage and/or cohabitation for it to be a success. A relationship need not last forever for it to be meaningful or special. What do you really want? Why are you with this person? Etc. It's OK to just want to have fun but, if you are hoping for something more and always disappointed, then perhaps it isn't working for you. I see that you ask a lot of questions relating to anxiety: I deal with anxiety, too, so I feel you. I found that the relationships worked fine despite my anxiety, in some ways even better, but it's definitely something that you need to be pro-active about because you won't have the day-to-day reassurances of human touch and other forms of physical affection. Of course, the distance can then make the times when you do connect especially meaningful or explosive ;-) but it's usually hard even when it's good.
For me, I needed the following: a deep connection and true mutual motivation to make it work. You both need to feel your connection is special, that your partner is someone extraordinary (in your eyes) and perhaps even there is a bit of destiny involved in why you are together. (Because why else would you be in a serious LDR with them?!) You need to be on the same page about communication: maybe it's texting all day or maybe it's two long Skype calls a week, maybe it's knowing each other's schedules by the hour or maybe it's more of an escape where you avoid the day-to-day. What would you like? Last but not least, it helps to have the time and resources to travel. Sometimes you're going to want to see your partner but really need a weekend off to relax and focus on work. You want to make sure you have strong friendships and other relationships so you can gather strength and joy through them, too. You want to keep up with your passions and creative outlets and exercise because staying happy and healthy is good not just for you but the relationship, too.
So, that's my take on things. I'm very pro-long-distance relationship based on my experiences and personality. However, they're not for everyone. Still, immediately moving for someone you fall for without a safety net is pretty bold: sometimes it becomes this beautiful love story but so often it doesn't work out. In that case, starting long-distance is definitely the right decision but it's also totally OK to say to someone that you care for them but don't have it in you to do the distance thing. I hope that you find something that works for you and is worth the work!
posted by smorgasbord at 1:18 PM on April 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
I happen to be someone who really likes long-distance relationships. The main thing is that you have to do three things:
1) Really really really really trust your partner
2) Actually act as though you trust them
3) Do whatever emotional work you need to do in order to make Item 2 not slow constant torment.
I'm not even talking necessarily about cheating or anything. I'm talking about, trusting your partner to keep you in the loop on what's important, and maintain your bond, when you'll only have their reporting to go on. It's like -- you just have to resist the need to know with absolute certainty all of the things that you might take for granted in a close-proximity relationship. It can be surprising to learn how many of those things there are.
My partner and I now (we live together) know each others' daily activities more or less down to the minute -- not because we need to, just because it's all right there. To acquire that kind of knowledge if we were to enter an LDR would require a level of interrogation that quickly becomes completely inappropriate; and yet, it would be quite an adjustment for both of us to suddenly feel so thoroughly in the dark on each others' days, moods, etc.
Don't do a LDR with someone who sows even the slightest seeds of mistrust and/or Facebook stalking in your brain. The moment you find yourself needing to check timestamps and all that nonsense, just end things. Whether or not the other person is actually up to something doesn't matter -- the LDR viability of your relationship has expired.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:37 PM on April 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
1) Really really really really trust your partner
2) Actually act as though you trust them
3) Do whatever emotional work you need to do in order to make Item 2 not slow constant torment.
I'm not even talking necessarily about cheating or anything. I'm talking about, trusting your partner to keep you in the loop on what's important, and maintain your bond, when you'll only have their reporting to go on. It's like -- you just have to resist the need to know with absolute certainty all of the things that you might take for granted in a close-proximity relationship. It can be surprising to learn how many of those things there are.
My partner and I now (we live together) know each others' daily activities more or less down to the minute -- not because we need to, just because it's all right there. To acquire that kind of knowledge if we were to enter an LDR would require a level of interrogation that quickly becomes completely inappropriate; and yet, it would be quite an adjustment for both of us to suddenly feel so thoroughly in the dark on each others' days, moods, etc.
Don't do a LDR with someone who sows even the slightest seeds of mistrust and/or Facebook stalking in your brain. The moment you find yourself needing to check timestamps and all that nonsense, just end things. Whether or not the other person is actually up to something doesn't matter -- the LDR viability of your relationship has expired.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:37 PM on April 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
My wife and I got married after living together for four years, then promptly moved to cities that were an 11-hour train ride apart. (Flying would have been faster, but we were grad students on a budget.) This was in France and Germany in the 1990s, before telephone deregulation, Skype, etc., so talking was something we did a few times a week for a few minutes max.
We knew it would be temporary, for 10-12 months at most, while we did research on our dissertations. We also had the luxury of spending a week or two together every 6-8 weeks (we alternated between her visiting me in Berlin and me visiting her in Paris). We also emailed a lot, usually writing serial emails over 2-3 days and then sending them on days we didn't talk on the phone. Most of that year is one of the best documented times in my life, because of those emails as well as some others I sent to close friends.
What made it work was a regular pattern of communication, confidence in one another, and, to be honest, the fact that we were both busy with our research. It was a good trial run for the academic job market, since finding two jobs in the same place in the same discipline wasn't going to be easy. It did show us that we could have a successful marriage at a distance, which was good during the five years that we had to manage jobs in different states: Massachusetts and Ohio for a year, then Massachusetts and Vermont--a three-hour drive apart--for the next four.
During the last four years of running two households, it was kind of fun to have two communities, but we were close enough, and our schedules flexible enough, that we were apart for only 3-4 days at a time except when one of us had a weekend conference. So it wasn't an LDR the way it had been in Europe.
I'm not sure any of it would have worked had we not both been committed to our intellectual work and aware that the other's commitment to their work was a fundamental part of what attracted us to each other in the first place. Otherwise, it would have been wiser for the less committed one to choose a more portable career (like our friends who met in a history Ph.D. program and then decided that the less passionate one should go to law school).
posted by brianogilvie at 1:37 PM on April 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
We knew it would be temporary, for 10-12 months at most, while we did research on our dissertations. We also had the luxury of spending a week or two together every 6-8 weeks (we alternated between her visiting me in Berlin and me visiting her in Paris). We also emailed a lot, usually writing serial emails over 2-3 days and then sending them on days we didn't talk on the phone. Most of that year is one of the best documented times in my life, because of those emails as well as some others I sent to close friends.
What made it work was a regular pattern of communication, confidence in one another, and, to be honest, the fact that we were both busy with our research. It was a good trial run for the academic job market, since finding two jobs in the same place in the same discipline wasn't going to be easy. It did show us that we could have a successful marriage at a distance, which was good during the five years that we had to manage jobs in different states: Massachusetts and Ohio for a year, then Massachusetts and Vermont--a three-hour drive apart--for the next four.
During the last four years of running two households, it was kind of fun to have two communities, but we were close enough, and our schedules flexible enough, that we were apart for only 3-4 days at a time except when one of us had a weekend conference. So it wasn't an LDR the way it had been in Europe.
I'm not sure any of it would have worked had we not both been committed to our intellectual work and aware that the other's commitment to their work was a fundamental part of what attracted us to each other in the first place. Otherwise, it would have been wiser for the less committed one to choose a more portable career (like our friends who met in a history Ph.D. program and then decided that the less passionate one should go to law school).
posted by brianogilvie at 1:37 PM on April 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
It was for me the worst elements of being single combined with the worst elements of being in a bad relationship - loneliness, lack of physical contact, and lack of a person to share quotidian life with, and locked into things with an inability to date or search for someone else who could relieve the misery of the experience (since I was already coupled up).
FWIW I had almost the exact opposite impression of my LDRs. I found them to be the best elements of being in a couple (someone to share thoughts/feelings with, two-way emotional support, frequent social contact, the security of not needing to seek physical companionship or deal with assholes on shitty dates) and the best elements of being single (almost total control over my schedule and socializing, tons of time for self-care and the ability to dedicate myself to my career guilt-free.) It really all depends upon what you ideally want from a relationship in general and how you want to relate to your actual partner in the specific.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:45 PM on April 2, 2018 [9 favorites]
FWIW I had almost the exact opposite impression of my LDRs. I found them to be the best elements of being in a couple (someone to share thoughts/feelings with, two-way emotional support, frequent social contact, the security of not needing to seek physical companionship or deal with assholes on shitty dates) and the best elements of being single (almost total control over my schedule and socializing, tons of time for self-care and the ability to dedicate myself to my career guilt-free.) It really all depends upon what you ideally want from a relationship in general and how you want to relate to your actual partner in the specific.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:45 PM on April 2, 2018 [9 favorites]
My current relationship started as a long distance one--a two to three hour drive separated us. It was long distance for 4 years because we attended different universities. After my partner finished her undergraduate studies, she chose to do graduate school at a university near me, so in that manner we've closed the distance for now.
Both my partner and I were extremely committed to each other from the start. We may be a somewhat unusual case--both of us were not actively looking for a relationship and we had a lot of activities and hobbies that took up our time (competitive sports in particular). Neither of us are extroverted. We had a low need for a romantic relationship in our lives--if we hadn't met each other, we would have been happily single. We saw each other about once a month over the 4 years, though we would text frequently, write cards to each other, watch and discuss shows together, and draw sketches for each other. ClaireBear mentioned in an earlier comment that it was like "the worst elements of being single" combined with the "worst elements of being in a relationship." For me, it was the other way around: I could enjoy my hobbies to the fullest, have my own schedule as though I were still single, and also have someone I could talk to about anything if I so wanted.
That said, obviously closing the distance was much more satisfying--prior to it I craved more physical contact and wanted to partake in the little things like eating lunch together or getting to lounge together in a room without necessarily doing an activity together as opposed to rushing to "get the most" out of every time we were able to see each other. I have to say that now that we are in the same location, it would be hard for me to go back to the long distance.
To distill the points down:
1. Your partner is exactly who you want in your life and vice versa.
2. You agree on how much communication you want.
posted by Iron Carbide at 1:55 PM on April 2, 2018
Both my partner and I were extremely committed to each other from the start. We may be a somewhat unusual case--both of us were not actively looking for a relationship and we had a lot of activities and hobbies that took up our time (competitive sports in particular). Neither of us are extroverted. We had a low need for a romantic relationship in our lives--if we hadn't met each other, we would have been happily single. We saw each other about once a month over the 4 years, though we would text frequently, write cards to each other, watch and discuss shows together, and draw sketches for each other. ClaireBear mentioned in an earlier comment that it was like "the worst elements of being single" combined with the "worst elements of being in a relationship." For me, it was the other way around: I could enjoy my hobbies to the fullest, have my own schedule as though I were still single, and also have someone I could talk to about anything if I so wanted.
That said, obviously closing the distance was much more satisfying--prior to it I craved more physical contact and wanted to partake in the little things like eating lunch together or getting to lounge together in a room without necessarily doing an activity together as opposed to rushing to "get the most" out of every time we were able to see each other. I have to say that now that we are in the same location, it would be hard for me to go back to the long distance.
To distill the points down:
1. Your partner is exactly who you want in your life and vice versa.
2. You agree on how much communication you want.
posted by Iron Carbide at 1:55 PM on April 2, 2018
My partner and I did this for about three years (the distance in question was a two-hour flight/eight-hour bus). Here are some specific things that helped it to work:
1. We'd been together for a couple of years going into it, so we already had established patterns of communication. This means we could plan in a specific way, e.g. "how are we going to check in regularly about X, like we usually do, under this new constraint?" instead of "how are we going to deal with this in general?"
2. There was a definite end date. What would happen next, and how we'd arrange to be in the same place in the future, was a major source of stress/complication, but there was a shared understanding that when the fixed-term job for which I'd moved ended, and she finished grad school, we were going to have a plan to live in the same country (and, indeed, apartment).
3. Like Iron Carbide, each of us was highly committed to the other before the long-distance phase started. We discussed this in a lot of depth before I moved.
4. It was possible to visit each other relatively frequently. (In our case, I had work stuff pretty regularly in the city where she was living, which made the travel costs feasible.) This was very important in our case for a whole bunch of reasons that may or may not generalise.
5. We missed each other a lot, which made frequent skypery happen fairly organically. In this sense, if it hadn't sucked as much, it might not have worked as well. It's worth agreeing on a very regular schedule for this if you find that it's not happening organically. For example, I suspect things like time zones could end up causing real problems (e.g. with someone feeling regularly abandoned if "natural" talking times are not aligned) if not considered carefully beforehand.
6. In some respects, it helped improve my being-in-a-relationship skills. I found myself thinking about how she was doing/what she was feeling/generally reminding myself more frequently to be attentive to her and to the relationship because she was not present.
The most important factor was basically having both of us on board with thinking the relationship was worth the considerable hassle of the separation, and the second-most important factor was probably 2. on the above list.
Mainly just talk honestly and in detail about issues that arise and how you will handle them together, and credibly reassure each other a lot. For us, it was helpful to frame it as just some other external bullshit to deal with together, and proceed accordingly.
There might be a little bit of adjustment when/if you later start living together (again) in the future, because the visiting dynamic is likely to be slightly different from the cohabitation dynamic.
posted by busted_crayons at 3:49 PM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
1. We'd been together for a couple of years going into it, so we already had established patterns of communication. This means we could plan in a specific way, e.g. "how are we going to check in regularly about X, like we usually do, under this new constraint?" instead of "how are we going to deal with this in general?"
2. There was a definite end date. What would happen next, and how we'd arrange to be in the same place in the future, was a major source of stress/complication, but there was a shared understanding that when the fixed-term job for which I'd moved ended, and she finished grad school, we were going to have a plan to live in the same country (and, indeed, apartment).
3. Like Iron Carbide, each of us was highly committed to the other before the long-distance phase started. We discussed this in a lot of depth before I moved.
4. It was possible to visit each other relatively frequently. (In our case, I had work stuff pretty regularly in the city where she was living, which made the travel costs feasible.) This was very important in our case for a whole bunch of reasons that may or may not generalise.
5. We missed each other a lot, which made frequent skypery happen fairly organically. In this sense, if it hadn't sucked as much, it might not have worked as well. It's worth agreeing on a very regular schedule for this if you find that it's not happening organically. For example, I suspect things like time zones could end up causing real problems (e.g. with someone feeling regularly abandoned if "natural" talking times are not aligned) if not considered carefully beforehand.
6. In some respects, it helped improve my being-in-a-relationship skills. I found myself thinking about how she was doing/what she was feeling/generally reminding myself more frequently to be attentive to her and to the relationship because she was not present.
The most important factor was basically having both of us on board with thinking the relationship was worth the considerable hassle of the separation, and the second-most important factor was probably 2. on the above list.
Mainly just talk honestly and in detail about issues that arise and how you will handle them together, and credibly reassure each other a lot. For us, it was helpful to frame it as just some other external bullshit to deal with together, and proceed accordingly.
There might be a little bit of adjustment when/if you later start living together (again) in the future, because the visiting dynamic is likely to be slightly different from the cohabitation dynamic.
posted by busted_crayons at 3:49 PM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
My wife and I were in a LDR for about three years; we dated for a year in college, decided we weren't ready to move in together in the city where I'd gotten a job after college, and then she moved out to where I was in grad school around when it was clear I was going to pass my prelims.
I had been in several unsuccessful LDRs before that - who knows why I ended up in so many - but here's some random thoughts (we've been living together successfully in the post-LDR period for about five years)
(1) Although we didn't have an exact expiration date on the LDR stuff, we did have a vague plan of how it was going to end - my job was basically a fixed appointment, I picked PhD programs in conjunction with "where can my partner move most easily with a job," etc. I hadn't realized unt
(2) We had a regular, but not super frequent, visiting schedule - maybe every three months. It was a cross-country flight for either of us, so we saved up vacation and tried to make it work for times that made sense for both of us. We got used to feeling down right after these visits but
(3) We had nightly phone calls. I was a few time zones earlier but more of a night owl, so that worked out for us. I think this honestly strengthened our relationship a lot; it ingrained a habit of making room in the day for each other, it allowed us to talk about mundane stuff as well as big stuff, and it helped us practice communication skills with each other. I think that these things have helped us a lot in the cohabitation period.
Transitioning to living together did involve some adjustment - basically figuring out what alone time should look like, distribution of labor, normal collaboration in cohab - but like I said, I think the communication skills we gained during the LDR period (and gratitude that the long period of LDR had ended) eased that a bit. Honestly, we've been living together way longer than we lived apart, but I'm still so happy that we don't live apart anymore.
posted by dismas at 4:22 PM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
I had been in several unsuccessful LDRs before that - who knows why I ended up in so many - but here's some random thoughts (we've been living together successfully in the post-LDR period for about five years)
(1) Although we didn't have an exact expiration date on the LDR stuff, we did have a vague plan of how it was going to end - my job was basically a fixed appointment, I picked PhD programs in conjunction with "where can my partner move most easily with a job," etc. I hadn't realized unt
(2) We had a regular, but not super frequent, visiting schedule - maybe every three months. It was a cross-country flight for either of us, so we saved up vacation and tried to make it work for times that made sense for both of us. We got used to feeling down right after these visits but
(3) We had nightly phone calls. I was a few time zones earlier but more of a night owl, so that worked out for us. I think this honestly strengthened our relationship a lot; it ingrained a habit of making room in the day for each other, it allowed us to talk about mundane stuff as well as big stuff, and it helped us practice communication skills with each other. I think that these things have helped us a lot in the cohabitation period.
Transitioning to living together did involve some adjustment - basically figuring out what alone time should look like, distribution of labor, normal collaboration in cohab - but like I said, I think the communication skills we gained during the LDR period (and gratitude that the long period of LDR had ended) eased that a bit. Honestly, we've been living together way longer than we lived apart, but I'm still so happy that we don't live apart anymore.
posted by dismas at 4:22 PM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
FWIW I had almost the exact opposite impression of my LDRs. I found them to be the best elements of being in a couple ... and the best elements of being single
This is totally me. Me and my LDR SO are celebrating ten years this week. It's not for everyone. But if you're someone who has a busy life, or other issues that make this make a lot of sense, and you're not really invested in some of the things that make proximity really important (home making, children) it can work out just fine. Technology can let you pretty much be in each others faces all the time anyhow. We live about 2.5 hours away from each other, see each other about every other week, are in constant touch over text and email, and do holidays/vacations/events together. We're both late 40's adults, so have been around a while and both feel pretty good about this. The big thing is that we are on the same page: this is what we both want and we make it work for us. A few elements of this
- we check in every evening we're free for chat/Scrabble/tv for a little bit, there are a lot of neat ways to do this sort of thing together
- we have some structure to our email and some routine things ("Text me when you get up and let me know if you slept okay") that some people feel would be restricting but it works for us
- we're not big social media communicators so while we use facebook/twitter/instagram personally for this and that, they don't make up basically any part of our relationship
There are some downsides. If I've had a really bad day and I just want a hug I need to get it from someone else. Sometimes it's tough to go do vacation-ish things because we're already traveling to see each other. I have a few friends in distant places he hasn't yet met. But overall, this is the sort of relationship I want and I'm happy to have found someone for whom it's the sort of relationship they want also.
posted by jessamyn at 5:52 PM on April 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
This is totally me. Me and my LDR SO are celebrating ten years this week. It's not for everyone. But if you're someone who has a busy life, or other issues that make this make a lot of sense, and you're not really invested in some of the things that make proximity really important (home making, children) it can work out just fine. Technology can let you pretty much be in each others faces all the time anyhow. We live about 2.5 hours away from each other, see each other about every other week, are in constant touch over text and email, and do holidays/vacations/events together. We're both late 40's adults, so have been around a while and both feel pretty good about this. The big thing is that we are on the same page: this is what we both want and we make it work for us. A few elements of this
- we check in every evening we're free for chat/Scrabble/tv for a little bit, there are a lot of neat ways to do this sort of thing together
- we have some structure to our email and some routine things ("Text me when you get up and let me know if you slept okay") that some people feel would be restricting but it works for us
- we're not big social media communicators so while we use facebook/twitter/instagram personally for this and that, they don't make up basically any part of our relationship
There are some downsides. If I've had a really bad day and I just want a hug I need to get it from someone else. Sometimes it's tough to go do vacation-ish things because we're already traveling to see each other. I have a few friends in distant places he hasn't yet met. But overall, this is the sort of relationship I want and I'm happy to have found someone for whom it's the sort of relationship they want also.
posted by jessamyn at 5:52 PM on April 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
This is maybe a bit different, but my husband and I spent six months of our engagement long-distance, and then the first 18 months of our marriage long distance. We were basically every-other-weekend commuters -- I'd commute to him, we'd take a weekend off, he'd commute to me. All our friends in both places knew that was our routine -- 1 weekend in 4 I'd be gone, 1 weekend in 4 we'd both be there, and 2 weekends in 4 I'd be flying solo. Having good friends helped a lot ... my solo weekends I had a lot of girls' nights and invitations to low-key game nights or casual family dinners and things like that, and my couple weekends we usually got invited to one couples thing (and spent the rest of the weekend just us because people knew we wanted to have Private Time), and nobody begrudged me my away weekends. It made a big difference that my local friends were rooting for my LDR and supporting it, not begrudging it or working against it, and including me in my various iterations as solo, coupled, and not even there.
One of the things that was difficult about being apart was that we each had our own space, and the other person was like an interloper. I moved in with him for a while (short-term job in his location); he moved in with me for a while (multi-step relocation process), and both of us were super-aggravated by it. Coming in to someone's established space you feel like an interloper who can't quite get comfortable, and having someone come and bust up your routines and move your frying pan is super annoying. It was a lot easier and better when we finally located to a single space and got a brand new space together. This could maybe be mitigated by including your partner in setting up a new space (or overhauling your existing one) as a couple.
We were slightly pre-social-media so it was mostly phone calls for us and a lot of that stuff doesn't apply these days! Anyway, we've been married 16 years and 3 children now, so it worked out!
On the other end, my parents, after 35 years of marriage, ended up long distance for 5 years, because my dad got an awesome job offer but my mom was tenured and had 5 years left for full (amazing) retirement benefits (that paid retirement healthcare for her and spouse), so they began commuting after 35 years of full-time living together. It was in some way a bit easier for them -- my dad automatically set up his new kitchen the way my mom likes it, and normal for them is the togetherness, so the apartness was the abnormal routine. It was sort-of interesting because contrary to the entire experience of my lifetime (clearly conditioned by cultural expectations that women manage the social stuff, so my mom did), it exposed my mom as the shy homebody and my dad as the gregarious social butterfly. WHO KNEW?
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:08 PM on April 2, 2018
One of the things that was difficult about being apart was that we each had our own space, and the other person was like an interloper. I moved in with him for a while (short-term job in his location); he moved in with me for a while (multi-step relocation process), and both of us were super-aggravated by it. Coming in to someone's established space you feel like an interloper who can't quite get comfortable, and having someone come and bust up your routines and move your frying pan is super annoying. It was a lot easier and better when we finally located to a single space and got a brand new space together. This could maybe be mitigated by including your partner in setting up a new space (or overhauling your existing one) as a couple.
We were slightly pre-social-media so it was mostly phone calls for us and a lot of that stuff doesn't apply these days! Anyway, we've been married 16 years and 3 children now, so it worked out!
On the other end, my parents, after 35 years of marriage, ended up long distance for 5 years, because my dad got an awesome job offer but my mom was tenured and had 5 years left for full (amazing) retirement benefits (that paid retirement healthcare for her and spouse), so they began commuting after 35 years of full-time living together. It was in some way a bit easier for them -- my dad automatically set up his new kitchen the way my mom likes it, and normal for them is the togetherness, so the apartness was the abnormal routine. It was sort-of interesting because contrary to the entire experience of my lifetime (clearly conditioned by cultural expectations that women manage the social stuff, so my mom did), it exposed my mom as the shy homebody and my dad as the gregarious social butterfly. WHO KNEW?
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:08 PM on April 2, 2018
I was in international LDRs when I was at uni, back in the dark ages, and am in one again now. It is sooooo much easier now with things like Skype/Google hangouts/What'sApp, which basically give you unlimited free talking with video! Woo! My current partner and I have been together for over two and a half years and we actually have not yet met in person (this will hopefully change later this year).
We started out having a shared calendar which was particularly useful since when we started, both of us worked weekends sometimes. These days I don't, which makes it less necessary, but we do tend to give each other a heads-up about planned activities that are going to disrupt the times when we usually expect the other to be free. Since we are on opposite sides of the world and I live in the future, it was especially helpful for keeping time conversions straight.
As others have mentioned, regular and constant communication is really the key. We have sleepy conversations about nothing in particular, blather on about our cats' latest shenanigans, watch TV shows together on Netflix/DVD, eat together, etc. We also have wide-ranging, eclectic talks about ideas, things we've read, what's going on in our lives, that kind of thing, which both of us really enjoy. We have never run out of things to talk about.
We also have sex, which is something no one has mentioned yet. YM will obviously V, but neither of us is shy about describing the things we would like to be doing if we were together in the same place (to be honest, sometimes not being together in the same place allows for more creativity, since we don't actually have to worry about someone's sore back, lack of physical bendiness or mechanical details that might otherwise hamper our flights of fancy). So for us, regular sex is another essential part of keeping the relationship working.
There are absolutely times when I wish like anything that teleportation were possible, not just for sexytimes but for the comfort of physical touch. But there are advantages too - not having to worry about sharing a bed when both of us have chronic sleep difficulties, having plenty of our own time and space which is important to both of us, since we both have strong introvert tendencies, that kind of thing. I'm not the kind of person who constantly goes out and does stuff anyway - I am pretty much a work/home/occasional outing person - so it works for me. When I do go out, especially if I take trips, I often take photos/selfies and send them to share the experience a little.
I can't speak for the finite nature of an LDR, since there are certain immovable circumstances that mean we are unlikely to be living in the same space in the foreseeable future. But we'll work it out as we go, since we seem to have been doing okay with that so far.
posted by Athanassiel at 6:50 PM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
We started out having a shared calendar which was particularly useful since when we started, both of us worked weekends sometimes. These days I don't, which makes it less necessary, but we do tend to give each other a heads-up about planned activities that are going to disrupt the times when we usually expect the other to be free. Since we are on opposite sides of the world and I live in the future, it was especially helpful for keeping time conversions straight.
As others have mentioned, regular and constant communication is really the key. We have sleepy conversations about nothing in particular, blather on about our cats' latest shenanigans, watch TV shows together on Netflix/DVD, eat together, etc. We also have wide-ranging, eclectic talks about ideas, things we've read, what's going on in our lives, that kind of thing, which both of us really enjoy. We have never run out of things to talk about.
We also have sex, which is something no one has mentioned yet. YM will obviously V, but neither of us is shy about describing the things we would like to be doing if we were together in the same place (to be honest, sometimes not being together in the same place allows for more creativity, since we don't actually have to worry about someone's sore back, lack of physical bendiness or mechanical details that might otherwise hamper our flights of fancy). So for us, regular sex is another essential part of keeping the relationship working.
There are absolutely times when I wish like anything that teleportation were possible, not just for sexytimes but for the comfort of physical touch. But there are advantages too - not having to worry about sharing a bed when both of us have chronic sleep difficulties, having plenty of our own time and space which is important to both of us, since we both have strong introvert tendencies, that kind of thing. I'm not the kind of person who constantly goes out and does stuff anyway - I am pretty much a work/home/occasional outing person - so it works for me. When I do go out, especially if I take trips, I often take photos/selfies and send them to share the experience a little.
I can't speak for the finite nature of an LDR, since there are certain immovable circumstances that mean we are unlikely to be living in the same space in the foreseeable future. But we'll work it out as we go, since we seem to have been doing okay with that so far.
posted by Athanassiel at 6:50 PM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
I did this for three years. We had been together for a year and I moved for school. We were a six hour drive apart. We talked almost every night, tried to see each other at least every six weeks, and I was able to intern in his city one summer. I found a job there after passing the bar. Reader, I married him. We have a toddler and have been together 14 years at this point.
posted by notjustthefish at 5:16 AM on April 3, 2018
posted by notjustthefish at 5:16 AM on April 3, 2018
Having recently come out of an LDR, I definitely want to stress the 'don't go into this if you don't trust him them 100%' sentiment expressed above. Personally, I wouldn't go through go LDR again, but there are some more positive stories above that may help. I'll tell you mine anyway:
When my ex (ugh it's still raw, and I'm still getting used to saying that!) started out LDR, there was an end point in mind, ie. this summer. There was never a doubt in my mind that I would return at that point, because I loved this man. But, I was fundamentally unhappy in my current location as a separate issue from my relationship, which inspired the move.
At first the LDR exceeded my expectations because:
1) We both Skyped x2 a week, as originally agreed upon.
2) We had regular virtual 'sex' was actually quite hot and satisfying.
3) Our love and dedication made an LDR easy.
However, after a few months, the sex part dropped off, even when I tried to encourage more of it. A Skype date here or there started to be missed (on his end) because he'd rather be doing cool fun things in the place he actually lived. Then the email came that it was over, which was a shock to me, because I thought we were both 100% committed. In truth, my ex turned gradually colder, the more I wanted to discuss how we were going to bring the LDR to an end. Basically his feelings cooled, while my feelings intensified. It underlined to me that my boyfriend had been struggling with a bunch of things in his life that he was not verbalising to me because he is conflict avoidant and closed off - does your beau talk to you about issues? Does he feel comfortably discussing his feelings with you?
In your heart of hearts, in your gut, do you truly believe that this person is 100% committed to making this work with you? Because, I must admit, I doubted this somewhat and I turned out to be right. If the person you are with has ever given you reason to doubt, think carefully about embarking on this new adventure with him.
Do I regret the LDR? I'm not sure. In a way, I wish I had spent those x2 Skypes a week building my social life more. My ex broke it off at a time when I was due to be moving home shortly and I regret the time I wasted talking to him, when he left me for someone more local anyway. There are no guarantees, but I wish you the best of luck with this, truly.
posted by Willow251 at 2:52 PM on April 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
When my ex (ugh it's still raw, and I'm still getting used to saying that!) started out LDR, there was an end point in mind, ie. this summer. There was never a doubt in my mind that I would return at that point, because I loved this man. But, I was fundamentally unhappy in my current location as a separate issue from my relationship, which inspired the move.
At first the LDR exceeded my expectations because:
1) We both Skyped x2 a week, as originally agreed upon.
2) We had regular virtual 'sex' was actually quite hot and satisfying.
3) Our love and dedication made an LDR easy.
However, after a few months, the sex part dropped off, even when I tried to encourage more of it. A Skype date here or there started to be missed (on his end) because he'd rather be doing cool fun things in the place he actually lived. Then the email came that it was over, which was a shock to me, because I thought we were both 100% committed. In truth, my ex turned gradually colder, the more I wanted to discuss how we were going to bring the LDR to an end. Basically his feelings cooled, while my feelings intensified. It underlined to me that my boyfriend had been struggling with a bunch of things in his life that he was not verbalising to me because he is conflict avoidant and closed off - does your beau talk to you about issues? Does he feel comfortably discussing his feelings with you?
In your heart of hearts, in your gut, do you truly believe that this person is 100% committed to making this work with you? Because, I must admit, I doubted this somewhat and I turned out to be right. If the person you are with has ever given you reason to doubt, think carefully about embarking on this new adventure with him.
Do I regret the LDR? I'm not sure. In a way, I wish I had spent those x2 Skypes a week building my social life more. My ex broke it off at a time when I was due to be moving home shortly and I regret the time I wasted talking to him, when he left me for someone more local anyway. There are no guarantees, but I wish you the best of luck with this, truly.
posted by Willow251 at 2:52 PM on April 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
My wife and I pretty much started out as LDR (and have now been married and not-LDR for a little over 3 years).
We met while we both were in extended travel periods, and lived 5000 miles apart (so not the "next city" kind. Obviously it worked out well for us, here's some of the reasons I think it did:
1) We talked every day on video, usually for at least 30-60 min. I mean there were a few exceptions when we were traveling elsewhere or some big event came up, but we talked probably 95% of days.
2) We sent additional messages to each other throughout our days, regardless of the other one's schedule (and set our phones to not wake us up if someone sends a 4am text). We had a 16-17 hour time difference (depending on DST) in addition to the mile one, so our schedules only partially overlapped.
3) We shared photos and thoughts of things we did, interesting events, cute cats we saw, whatever.
4) We visited as much as possible (about every 3 months in our case).
We dated for 2 months or so while she was in my country (seeing each other several times a week), and then spent a month traveling together in hers, so we had an intense start. After about a year I proposed, and we spent another year in LDR while waiting for visa stuff (which takes forever in the US). We treated the engagement as extended dating --- we knew we wanted to be together, so we didn't want to wait, but we also knew it was a new relationship, so there was the possibility one of us would call it off (obviously this didn't happen).
Despite (or rather because of) large language and cultural barriers, we have always been super open about our feelings/thoughts and willing to talk about anything, which certainly helped a lot. We knew there would be misunderstandings and false assumptions, so that forced us to check that we had the same understanding about anything even moderately important, which meant more direct communication than many couples have (where there might be all sorts of unspoken and not really shared assumptions about how things will go).
posted by thefoxgod at 3:00 PM on April 5, 2018 [2 favorites]
We met while we both were in extended travel periods, and lived 5000 miles apart (so not the "next city" kind. Obviously it worked out well for us, here's some of the reasons I think it did:
1) We talked every day on video, usually for at least 30-60 min. I mean there were a few exceptions when we were traveling elsewhere or some big event came up, but we talked probably 95% of days.
2) We sent additional messages to each other throughout our days, regardless of the other one's schedule (and set our phones to not wake us up if someone sends a 4am text). We had a 16-17 hour time difference (depending on DST) in addition to the mile one, so our schedules only partially overlapped.
3) We shared photos and thoughts of things we did, interesting events, cute cats we saw, whatever.
4) We visited as much as possible (about every 3 months in our case).
We dated for 2 months or so while she was in my country (seeing each other several times a week), and then spent a month traveling together in hers, so we had an intense start. After about a year I proposed, and we spent another year in LDR while waiting for visa stuff (which takes forever in the US). We treated the engagement as extended dating --- we knew we wanted to be together, so we didn't want to wait, but we also knew it was a new relationship, so there was the possibility one of us would call it off (obviously this didn't happen).
Despite (or rather because of) large language and cultural barriers, we have always been super open about our feelings/thoughts and willing to talk about anything, which certainly helped a lot. We knew there would be misunderstandings and false assumptions, so that forced us to check that we had the same understanding about anything even moderately important, which meant more direct communication than many couples have (where there might be all sorts of unspoken and not really shared assumptions about how things will go).
posted by thefoxgod at 3:00 PM on April 5, 2018 [2 favorites]
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posted by Candleman at 12:16 PM on April 2, 2018 [22 favorites]