Arguments in relationships - who's responsible?
March 30, 2018 10:00 AM   Subscribe

When couples get into a fight, is the responsibility always 50-50? And whose job is it to deescalate things?

It's pretty much a fact that I tend to start arguments in my relationships. I've noticed that I tend to get upset first, blame or criticize whoever I am with at the time, get into a huge fight, and then only later realize the underlying meaning or need that wasn't met (I'm working on this).

The general "wisdom" that I hear is that both parties are responsible for fights, or that the blame/responsibility is 50-50. However, I know that it's generally me who starts them, so is it really 50-50, or is it (as my past partners have claimed) mostly my fault? I mean, it's not like I'm talking to a wall.

And further, I haven't quite figured this out yet, for arguments, would you consider it part of your responsibility to deescalate things, or is it the job of the person who started it? For example, the last partner I had claimed that he never escalated things, but he never deescalated them either. So it was like we were stuck in a loop.
posted by phoiyikas to Human Relations (30 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
I don't really know if this is a thing someone can figure out for you, but I just finished reading "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller and it turns out to be really good at talking about unmet needs and how that contributes/leads to fighting. You're kind of sounding like the "anxious" attachment that they talk about in the book with regards to getting upset, blaming, and having unmet needs driving the argument. The anxious partner isn't getting needs met and their (sounds likely with your exes) avoidant SO is blaming you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:15 AM on March 30, 2018 [7 favorites]


Taking a step back, maybe you need to think about why you start arguments? Is it not possible to express yourself/your needs/your desires in a calm manner?
posted by k8t at 10:16 AM on March 30, 2018 [10 favorites]


I don't think it's 50/50 at all and I've never heard that. I suppose one can argue that one's partner could walk away to avoid a disagreement but not if it happens regularly.

As far as whose job it is to deescalate, I'm not sure what that even means. If it happened often enough that it became someone's "job", I would leave the relationship. In general, though, I suppose it's the job of whoever wants to fight the least. In your description that's always your partner and never you and it shouldn't be his job to be a doormat. At a certain point not too far in, that becomes you abusing your partner.

My recommendation would be to talk to a marriage counselor about how to fight better. I suspect even two or three sessions would be enough to be useful.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:17 AM on March 30, 2018 [44 favorites]


This mindset is not going to help you in your relationships. In a sense, you could say that both people are always responsible because even if one person 100% picks a fight, the other can leave, and so in a way is responsible for remaining and arguing. But if both people are interested primarily in how to make it better, this way of looking at it just is not the way to go.
If you want a good relationship, both people have to see themselves as responsible for taking care of the other's emotional well being. That's a different structure. No one is happy in a relationship just because they can say "it's your fault" to their partner. Instead, you come to it from a point of good faith, asking what is making the other unhappy, telling what makes you unhappy, and both of you trying to reach a way to help each other be comfortable.
posted by velveeta underground at 10:19 AM on March 30, 2018 [11 favorites]


I don't think I've ever heard the "wisdom" that responsibilities for fights is 50/50.


I think if I had a SO get upset in ways you are describing, that they need to de-escalate themselves. Do what they need to do to calm down, analyze the underlying trigger and then come back and discuss it in a calm manner. Is it even possible to de-escalate someone else whos really worked up? Depends, I guess.



Everybody has 'land mines' or hot button issues, that when poked, causes problems. Just part of being human. A good partner would not poke on them deliberately, and the person who got set off has to try to limit negative (or explosive) reactions, and then try to fix those issues so recurrences of being set off are limited.


So in that sense, everybody has an equal chance to set off a land mine accidentally. But picking fights can be a tool for abuse, malicious entertainment, control, all sorts of things in an unhealthy relationship. "Look what you made me do!" is something we've all heard on Lifetime movies about abuse.


I'm not saying you or any of your partners are abusive, by any means. That is just a possibility, especially if it is a recurring problem vs normal humans in intimate proximity. You have identified a large part of what you bring to the argument table; you know blame and criticizing aren't very helpful. I'd certainly get defensive or aggressive in most situations like that. you are working on it, which is a good thing. But you weren't really clear on how how your last SO handled his side.


Also also, loops only work when both people keep feeding into the loop. Its 100% ok to say "I'm angry now, but will come back in X time to talk"
posted by Jacen at 10:22 AM on March 30, 2018 [1 favorite]


Who's "responsible" is a less useful framing than figuring out how to get through it. Assigning blame is just an argument all of its own.

I think the conventional "both people are responsible" wisdom is an attempt to stop this argument before it starts, but it's a lot healthier to acknowledge that it's the wrong question in the first place and that a pat answer to it is not going to really make anyone involved happy.

If one party has a behavior that seems to disproportionately cause arguments, that's maybe something to be considered in aggregate, not in terms of a specific fight, and definitely not in the heat of that fight.
posted by jackbishop at 10:34 AM on March 30, 2018 [6 favorites]


I don’t think it’s always 50-50, but really a good thing to practice for life in general is to just NOT turn a confrontation into a fight. If you want to pick a fight, try giving it some time and figuring out what you really need and then try to express that less accusingly. “I feel” statements, and so on. If your partner is cranky and trying to start something, either walk away until you can face them without just yelling back, or maybe ask if they’re feeling ok or try to figure out what’s actually bothering them. This does take a lot of practice (Mindfulness meditation and that kind of work helps!) but really, MOST TIMES in life a fight is just not going to be useful.

So I guess to answer your question, sure, it takes two people to fight. But you can really only be responsible for your part. And do your best to de-escalate yourself. Like other people have said, it’s better to try to support each other emotionally in a relationship, and to do your part in that you need to be able to figure out what you need so you can ask for it. And also self-soothe if you can’t get it for some reason.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 11:10 AM on March 30, 2018 [1 favorite]


If you are the one to start arguments, get upset first, blame or criticize whoever you are with, then it's 100% your fault. This could be a power-trip-ego trait where you think throwing a fit will get you what you think you want.

Learn how to expand the emotional/ mental space between stimulus and response where you can choose to calmly, even directly and at the appropriate time, communicate with love, -OR decide if your issue and how you express it, is worth provoking your partner (others?).

As far as deescalation, the onus belongs to those who are committed to peace, and hopefully that includes both partners.
posted by mrmarley at 11:33 AM on March 30, 2018 [1 favorite]


I haven't quite figured this out yet, for arguments, would you consider it part of your responsibility to deescalate things, or is it the job of the person who started it?

Yes, if I sense that my partner is in a bad mood, anxious, or upset, and she is saying things to me that are likely to prompt a fight, I will do what I can to de-escalate it. This usually involves acknowledging the proximate cause ("I'm sorry I left the dishes out") but asking to postpone a larger discussion ("Maybe we could talk tomorrow about how we're divvying up the chores? I'm feeling kinda tired and like I wouldn't do the greatest job of having that conversation right now. I know you had a hard day. Want me to rub your back?"*). Then, when the tension passes, we can talk about the real question - or let it pass, depending on how important it actually was. ("Hey, the other day, when you were talking about chores - do you want to have a bigger conversation about how we're dividing things up , or was that a one-time thing?")

I can only do this, though, because I trust that my partner will do the same thing for me if when I slip into grumpy, fight-picking mode; she trusts me that I'm actually invested in improving the relationship, so we'll end up having the conversation she wants if we both decide it's necessary; and because these conversations are relatively rare.


*This is a made up eample, in real life I'm not quite this perfect.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 11:34 AM on March 30, 2018 [9 favorites]


I have never heard this 50/50 idea and it sounds like complete bullshit to me.

You know you start fights so that part of it is on you. You are responsible for yourself and your actions/reactions. You can say, "I need to walk around the block and think for 5 minutes" before starting an actual argument. Speak up before it gets to the point of a shouty argument. People that care about you generally want to try to help IF you're not coming into conflict loudly and with big anger.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 11:36 AM on March 30, 2018 [21 favorites]


Why are you starting fights? Is this a situation where you've tried to talk to your partner about a specific issue (or issues) that bother you, they say they'll change their behavior, but don't do so? In that case I think more of the "fault" does lie with them, and both of you need to sit down and have an honest talk about what you both need, what you're each willing to do or not, and how you both would prefer to discuss the matter if it arises again in the future.

If, however, you're picking fights more as a response to internal discomfort - i.e., if you pick fights as your primary go-to when you're upset about something - then that's probably all or nearly all on you. Either way, it really isn't great to be in a relationship where arguments are a regular occurrence, and I'd echo the suggestions above to seek partner counseling to learn more healthy ways of communicating needs.

With regards to "deescalating," I strongly think that's very much on the part of the person who is trying to pick a fight - otherwise you end up in a 'walking on eggshells' situation and that is so, so unhealthy. It is your partner's responsibility to listen to you and take your concerns seriously; it is not their responsibility to mollify you when you're angry and on the verge of taking that anger out on them. We're all responsible for managing our own big feelings.
posted by DingoMutt at 12:11 PM on March 30, 2018 [5 favorites]


I don't think assigning blame or responsibility for the fight is particularly useful or relevant.
You claim to have a pattern of becoming upset over unmet needs.
Here are some questions for you to ask yourself: Are you communicating these needs to your partner repeatedly and are they still unmet. Do you ever communicate them in ways that aren't blaming or critical. Do you consider your upset to be especially reactive, extreme or irrational respestive to the situation. If so, are you addressing this in therapy or self-work. If you continute to express an unmet need that is received by your partner, do you together take steps to resolve the issue or do they validate your concerns at all, or are all of your unmet needs, regardless if how they are expressed, met with a resistance that indicates those needs are entirely your responsibility, which then leads to an argument, which you are then also shouldering responsibility for. Do you often find yourself in relationships with neglectful or dismissive partners. Or could it be a case of you confusing wants for needs, or having unreal expectations of what a partner can provide for you. Do you get the same result (a fight) from your partner whether your unmet needs are expressed respectfully or disrespectfully. If a partner is knowingly, repeatedly and disrespectfully ignoring and dismissing your needs, then "who's fault is it," that you're feeling upset to begin with. Are you perhaps choosing and remaining in unhealthy relationships.
...
It's very hard to tell without more information about the context or dynamic which is leading up to the conflicts. That's really a lot more important than assigning blame for resolution or lack thereof. The point would be to address the cause, both together as a couple and by yourself as an individual, not to simply label the after-effects of.
posted by OnefortheLast at 12:23 PM on March 30, 2018 [3 favorites]


I've noticed that I tend to get upset first, blame or criticize whoever I am with at the time, get into a huge fight, and then only later realize the underlying meaning or need that wasn't met (I'm working on this).

---
And further, I haven't quite figured this out yet, for arguments, would you consider it part of your responsibility to deescalate things, or is it the job of the person who started it?
This sounds a lot like a dynamic I experienced in my previous relationship, but from your partner's side of things. I do not view it as my responsibility to deescalate arguments that someone else starts (although I guess that depends on how you define "deescalate"). Consistently putting the onus on myself to calm down a situation where someone is taking their frustration out on me or unfairly deflecting blame onto me means allowing myself to be emotionally abused, and that isn't acceptable. More generally I do not view myself as responsible for managing another adult's emotional state or emotional hygiene for them. I'm your partner, not your parent or therapist.

I am, however, responsible for managing my own behavior and responding in an appropriate way—not being hostile or overly defensive or avoidant, not trying to distract or deflect by bringing up unrelated issues or past arguments, and owning my part of the problem being discussed. That might mean suggesting that we defer the discussion for a short time or, if things got really bad, physically removing myself from the situation for a while. In that relationship I also put a fair amount of effort into this part—"later realiz[ing] the underlying meaning or need that wasn't met"–by being extra careful to listen and respond openly and gently (even if I was still feeling upset by the previous acrimony) since I knew being open and vulnerable with that kind of self-reflection was hard on her.

I also have never heard any general rule that there is a 50/50 split in responsibility for arguments in a relationship. Either way, I don't think it's a useful way to approach the problem. If one person is more open about raising issues or expressing unhappiness about something that isn't necessarily a bad thing, although there is a difference between raising an issue and starting a fight. Likewise, if one partner tends not to openly express unhappiness but also consistently fails to hear and honor what the other has expressed about their own needs and preferences, that doesn't reflect well on the first party.
posted by 4rtemis at 12:46 PM on March 30, 2018 [4 favorites]


The general "wisdom" that I hear is that both parties are responsible for fights, or that the blame/responsibility is 50-50.

No. If that's even a thing anywhere, an abuser made it up. The fact that you even think that might be okay is a red flag you need to sit down with.

Why is it someone else's job, when you have hurt them, to talk you down? Why is it their job to manage your feelings and behavior? You're not a toddler. They're not your mother. And they have their own feelings that they are not required to swallow when you lash out, just to spare you responsibility. Do you also walk down the street punching people in the head and expect them to de-escalate you instead of doing *exactly* what you would do if some rando punched you in the head?

It is 100% your responsibility to not start fights. Learn to communicate like a grownup, learn to manage your own feelings, learn not to teach your partners like daycare attendants. That's all on you.

There are a bunch of couples in this world that have never had any kind of fight that needed serious de-escalation, or never have except for one or two hugely high-stake issues that have real deep emotional roots. But "I tend to get upset first, blame or criticize" is entirely preventable by you, unless that's not actually what's happening and you're being actively manipulated into thinking you are when you're not. If that's the case, safely leave them and get some support and therapy. If it's not, the therapy is still a good idea.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:56 PM on March 30, 2018 [16 favorites]


I would stop looking at relationship theory for the most part and start looking at anger management resources. For a book in the middle, try The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner.

I think your statements “It’s not like I’m talking to a wall” and about your partner not de-escalating are really concerning. It sounds like you want to be right, rather than seeking to be a partner who - well - cares about treating the other person with kindness and caring and respect.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:06 PM on March 30, 2018 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: To clarify a few things: I'm referring to the expression "It takes two to tango" as the 50-50 thing, as in that I had the idea that in fights, both people are to blame.

With my most recent ex, he told me that it wasn't his job to deescalate things, and that he doesn't escalate further than I do (he was very defensive and sarcastic in response to me) and that's good enough. So I was more wondering how do people who're in happy relationships get out of fights, like how do things deescalate if it isn't the job of the partners? For what it's worth, I do think that both people should be doing it. Also, he didn't feel bad about the fights, in that he said that they were mostly my fault, because I start them, and he doesn't do anything wrong (he doesn't name call, or insult, for example, he's just sarcastic which he said was justifiable because I'm being unreasonable). So in the end, our fights left me feeling alone, like I was supposed to fix myself. And he doesn't believe in apologies unless he actually did something bad (in his opinion), so I felt like it was me who was apologizing and by extension, taking the blame for the fight.
posted by phoiyikas at 1:19 PM on March 30, 2018


It's both people's job to deescalate, until the argument is reduced to a conversation and whatever the issue is can be dealt with productively. If someone seriously told me that helping to calm down arguments is "not their job," that would be it. The relationship would be over.

And the responsibility/blame for starting the argument can vary continuously from 0%/100% to 100%/0%. It's case-by-case. But once an argument is going, both people should try to stop it and get to a place where problems can actually get solved instead of people just hurting each other pointlessly.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 1:35 PM on March 30, 2018 [2 favorites]


I think this question would be easier to answer if you could give us an example of what a fight looks like between you two, and what you have in mind when you say both people are responsible for deescalating. For instance, you say that your partner doesn't do anything wrong in that he doesn't name call or insult you - does that imply that you are doing those things when you fight? If so, as your partner I would remove myself from your presence but absolutely wouldn't be trying to calm you down or behave in a way that stopped you from insulting me. That kind of behavior is entirely on you to manage (and not do).

On the other hand, if you mean that you're expressing your needs and your partner's response is to be sarcastic and and defensive, then yeah, that's not okay on his part. He should be listening to your concerns and taking them seriously - but again, it really isn't clear if you're expressing your needs, or picking fights.

"Deescalation," to me, sounds like a focus on stopping the fight by any means possible, and that isn't healthy. I'd suggest you focus instead on each of you being responsible for a) expressing your needs and concerns clearly, and b) taking each other seriously and responding to those concerns in a non-confrontational/non-defensive manner.
posted by DingoMutt at 1:44 PM on March 30, 2018 [2 favorites]


If you're respectfully asking something or stating a point, and it's not in a passive-aggressive tone or assigning blame, you shouldn't be getting a sarcastic response. And if you get a sarcastic response, take a deep breath, walk away, and ask yourself -- was that reasonable? Did I say that in a respectful way? If so, you can reapproach and repeat the request, and ask why you got a sarcastic response. If you decide you could have said things differently, then a quick "I'm sorry I said it that way, but could you please.." should cover it.

And there's nothing wrong, if you get a response you feel is mean or sarcastic, with just walking away or pausing for a breath. There's no reason to deescalate if you won't be party to escalation.
posted by mikeh at 2:00 PM on March 30, 2018


I'm sorry if that seemed one-sided: that applies to both people in a relationship, not just you!

(If I'm going to respond about tone, I should make sure I'm phrasing things in a way that doesn't seem to assign blame, myself)
posted by mikeh at 2:07 PM on March 30, 2018


So I was more wondering how do people who're in happy relationships get out of fights, like how do things deescalate if it isn't the job of the partners?

Sounds like a job for John Gottman. Watch all four parts of this Making Relationships Work presentation--they are only 10 minutes each. He answers exactly this question--what's the difference between the "masters" and "disasters" of relationships when it comes to handling conflict. His books are excellent, too.

Ideally, no one is escalating in the first place, but the answer to whose job is is to deescalate is always "yours," and it doesn't matter who "you" are. If you were making things worse, calm down, apologize and fix it. If your partner is being aggressive, you stay calm and don't add fuel to the fire. You are always responsible for your reaction, and you always have an obligation to work for a more productive way of relating if you want to have a happy partnership.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 2:20 PM on March 30, 2018 [4 favorites]


Re: your update,
Sarcasm is antagonistic in a conflict situation point blank. He also needs to take responsibility for his actions here.
He's also passively blaming you, in his claims that he never starts the fights. Read that carefully, because that statement doesn't make sense. In actuality, what you are doing is initiating a discussion, a confrontation, an issue. This does not automate or assume conflict...
However if responded to in a negating and invalidating way, (as in, you're an unreasonable person with unreasonable concerns and requests who's being unreasonable for bringing them up) with applied sarcasm, I'd have to heavily dispute who, in fact, was "starting it.."
This appears to be more of a miscommunication issue, If neither parties are being purposefuly difficult, manipulative or abusive.
posted by OnefortheLast at 2:25 PM on March 30, 2018 [2 favorites]


Also not entirely sure what the backlash about it being one person's "job" or whatever. All relationships require negotion of roles and responsibilities, only in a perfect world of equal and identical beings would a relationship be entirely equivalent. If one partner is more adept at mediation and more able to remain calm and objective, perhaps they may want to assume this "job," or role for the health and well being of the relationship, just as one partner may do so with say, paying bills on time, or dealing with a challenging relative etc.
posted by OnefortheLast at 2:33 PM on March 30, 2018


Both people have responsibility for 100 percent of their own communications and an affirmative responsibility to communicate their feelings and needs in productive ways.
posted by salvia at 2:46 PM on March 30, 2018 [6 favorites]


It IS your job to fix yourself. It's true that he's not putting his best foot forward with sarcastic responses, but would he have been sarcastic if you hadn't gone after him? If not, can you think of any better way to make any response unnecessary?

In my relationship with someone I care about, obviously if he's upset I want to help. Sometimes when one or the other of us is especially anxious, tempers get short and we let it go out of understanding (because we negotiated that understanding). But nah, he doesn't get to just go after me at will and expect me to take it or take responsibility for it when there are dozens of calm reasonable ways to say "I think we need to do X a different way" or "I feel Y" or "I could use some help with Z".

There's no reason to get in a fight just because you have a feeling or think you've been mistreated or accidentally thought he was slighting you when it turns out he wasn't. Confirm that shit before you jump to the fight; it's a much more pleasant way to live, it gives you both a bunch more opportunities to create healthy boundaries and communication habits. If you approach him about something in good faith and attempt to reach understanding and he's still sarcastic in response, it's not about "responsibility", it's that you've got yourself a crap boyfriend who either doesn't like you or doesn't like you enough to deal with whatever stuff is making him like that. And same goes for you - if you go straight to the fight instead of trying to stop at the fix first, you're not treating him like someone you care about.

But honestly, if your relationship lives at the place where y'all can't be nice to each other, it's likely over and that's why y'all can't be nice to each other. Trying to keep score isn't going to fix this.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:03 PM on March 30, 2018 [7 favorites]


would he have been sarcastic if you hadn't gone after him?
This is keeping score. One could go back and forth all day with this type of maddening blame shifting. One is either 100% responsible for their own actions, or they aren't. I don't think it would be helpful or productive in any way during an argument to have responsibilities for one's self become randomly, or at some point, situationally interchangeable.

OP: If while in a relationship, your needs are failing to be met, through repeated requests (or fights), regardless to the pisspoor way you are presenting them, (because this absolutely can and should be worked on, or a current work in progress) NO amount or repeat times of presenting them in any way, and NO approach whether it be a positive or negative one, is likely to obtain you (or change the present one into) a partner who cares to actually meet them for you, or one who sees you and your needs as anything other than unreasonable.
posted by OnefortheLast at 4:09 PM on March 30, 2018 [4 favorites]


Are you actually starting a fight, or is this how your partner is framing bringing up issues that concern you? I know that I’ve had two relationships that my partners blamed me for starting “fights” when I wanted to express a feeling or need that wasn’t being met. Couching it as a fight and as my fault meant they were further avoiding the topic. It would go something like this:
Me:
“I feel hurt and an unfair burden when you leave me to do household chores while you watch tv. We both work long days, but I end up being the one doing the lionshare of the housework.”
Him: “Why are you always starting fights when I just want to sit down and relax after work?”
Tada! We’re now talking about my propensity to start fights and not the issue regarding chore distribution or my feelings!

Now it is true, I have gotten emotional at times because I learned through both my family growing up and later my relationships that I had to stuff down my own needs (incorrectly, of course) and I would sit and stew until it came boiling forth. But even as I learned to better manage those emotions and talk about how I felt and what I needed, the blame continued to be on me for “starting fights”. The reality was that is a perfect way of dodging the issue at hand, and shutting down someone that is sensitive to criticism and doubts the validity of their own feelings.

I’m working on it. But at least I understand the dynamic more now.

Someone mentioned Attached. It gave me a heap of insight into being anxious attachment and not expressing my needs appropriately. I still had (and likely have) this problem, but I’m learning more every day and hopefully getting better at how to more proactively express my needs. Hopefully next go, I’ll recognize this pattern both in myself and other partners and avoid this dynamic all together.

It’s not directly answering your question, but it’s what I thought of reading what you describe, so I hope this helps.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 4:12 PM on March 30, 2018 [15 favorites]


So in the end, our fights left me feeling alone, like I was supposed to fix myself.

You're the only one who can, though. Your partner can't reach inside your head and make you not angry, sarcasm or no. He physically cannot stop you from starting or continuing an argument. Now, he can address whatever behavior is making you angry, but that's a different thing which could be achieved through regular communication, not fighting.


I am in a happy relationship, and when my partner and I fight, which is rarely, the fight ends when we get past all the non-important stuff and get to talking about the thing that was actually bothering us and figure out how to address it. So, when snapping at each other turns into arguing and eventually devolves into, "I had a really bad day today and I just can't do X right now," the fight is done. If that point can't be reached quickly, usually the angry person will say, "I'm really upset right now and I need to take a break. I'm going to go for a walk and come back." The fight will end in that case too.

But honestly we don't fight that much because even when I get angry at him, I still like him a lot and I don't want to yell at him, so I try to figure out my own shit before talking to him about a problem.
posted by chainsofreedom at 7:41 PM on March 30, 2018 [5 favorites]


are you really starting "fights" or are you expressing needs? Those aren't the same thing.

This is starting a fight:

"you're such a gross perv. I saw you checking out that woman, you're such a pig."

This is expressing needs:

"hey, it felt like once we got to the party you started ignoring me. And I noticed you being distracted by that woman in the red dress. That was really uncomfortable. What is going on?"

#1 is never going to go anywhere good, but #2 ought to lead to some sort of resolution, not a fight.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:03 PM on March 31, 2018 [3 favorites]


I can imagine situations in which your partner doesn't treat you well, but then when you mention that, you're framed as "starting a fight" even though their behaviour was also out of line.

It would be really helpful for you to write a comment in this thread that scripts out what a typical fight looks like between the two of you- give context, explain what you each did, what you were thinking and feeling, and who said what.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:20 PM on March 31, 2018


« Older Are there any cities/areas where waste bins are...   |   ninja star credit card tambourine Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.