Bonding with second child/Is this even a problem?

March 27, 2018 6:40 AM

I had bad post-partum depression following the birth of my second child. I couldn't breast-feed and was pretty unable to function and care for him for the first few months of his life. Things are better now and he is a delightful baby, but I worry that I somehow may have failed to bond with him properly. It's making me desperately sad and I could use some advice about a) how to strengthen bond with 8 month old b) whether this is even really an issue or just in my head?

My experience with PPD was bad. The most severe the mid-wife had seen. I'm medicated now, in therapy, and under the care of a psychiatrist. My family and spouse are massively warm and supportive. I'd say about 80% better. 90% on a good day and much lower than that on a bad day. While I was at my most ill, my mother and husband completely stepped up in caring for my son. He has been well-loved his whole life. But at least initially that care was not coming from me.

My son is 8 months old and chubby, smiley, generally delightful. Pretty much the sweetest little guy I can imagine.

I'm not a huge baby person- this was true with my eldest child as well-- but with her I somehow didn't worry about the bond, maybe because I breastfed her so felt like she needed *me* in some unique way. I love my son. I want to hold him, give him bottles, I love looking at his two new little teeth, his amazing thigh rolls, etc. But I also get bored with playing with him after an hour or so and I definitely find my older child more interesting-- she's four years old, loves books, a great little conversationalist etc. And because she is super demanding of my time I feel like he gets short shrift.

Again, I think this is probably (?) normal. But the thought that something might be wrong or missing with my relationship with my son makes me crushingly sad-- like I'm tearing up as I write this.

So my questions are basically 1) a normalcy check: Do those of you with babies and older verbal children love your younger child, but find it easier to interact with and deeply enjoy your time with your older child without getting bored? And 2) if you have a baby and don't breastfeed, what do you do to ensure that you are getting quality time with your baby? Can you be really specific? For example, giving the baby a bath and rubbing him down with coconut oil gives me a warm and happy feeling. What else could I be doing?

posted by jeszac to Human Relations (20 answers total)

Best answer: You are doing a great job. Getting your PPD treated was the best thing you could have done for your family. Your description of your baby sounds close and wonderful.

1) Yes, I found this for sure. The great thing is, if you're interacting in front of your baby, it's all interacting. Your baby will let you know when you need to interact with him. Also, he has a sister to interact with too.

2) I used an Ergo carrier for a long time, not for every trip but for a lot of them, and I found that very bonding.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:58 AM on March 27, 2018 [12 favorites]

I think you have nailed it that you are more of a kid person than a baby person. I am the same way. And that is totally okay. Yes, I loved my babies as babies, but they are infinitely more interesting as kids. In the baby era, I had to actively remind myself to enjoy them as they were in the moment and not keep an eye looking to the future.

About the difference between first and second kid--with the first baby, everything was novel and by definition, interesting. By the second child, the novelty of having a tiny baby is less intense and I got more easily bored with laying on the rug doing tummy time. (You're managing a whole hour? That's GREAT.) But the best part is that the second child has the first child to interact with, as well as you. His older sister is the MOST INTERESTING PERSON IN THE WORLD. Furthermore, the second child gets so much more interaction with the world by virtue of having to be carted around while you're taking the first to swim lessons, playspace, daycare, etc. You are exposing him to so many different things, and you are doing a great job.
posted by Liesl at 7:04 AM on March 27, 2018 [6 favorites]

I have an almost 8 month old and a 4 year old. I didn't have any problems with PPD and am able to have a decent breastfeeding relationship with the baby, but I definitely could never play with her for more than an hour without getting bored. Parenting the two of them is mainly just me doing normal stuff with my older child while lugging the baby along. It sounds like you are doing great!

For non-breastfeeding bonding, seconding baby carrying and also maybe just try and have some one-on-one time with him while your husband takes your daughter out to do something else. I also love to curl up and take a nap with my little one.
posted by galvanized unicorn at 7:09 AM on March 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Just another mom who likes kids more than babies here to say that even without serious PPD, I struggled to really enjoy my two as babies, especially Kid 2. Sometimes I worried I was short changing Kid 2 because Kid 1 was so much more fun, but quite frankly, I think Kid 2 has really benefitted from being included in stuff that was not focused on her. And who knows, but I bet Kid 1 had an easier transition than if I’d tried to be as interested in baby stuff with Kid 2 as I was with Kid 1.
And now that my kids are 7 and 10, they are both super fun and not only do I love them both to pieces, they love each other too.
posted by ElizaMain at 7:24 AM on March 27, 2018 [6 favorites]

Best answer: I have grandchildren who are one and three. My kid asked if it was normal for her to love her oldest child more. I told her yes, because until a month ago the baby was just kind of a blob. The three-year-old is an actual human being. I am happy to report that the one year-old is starting to come into her own and I am pretty smitten. Some of us are like that; and that is fine. You love your son plenty enough and you will love him all the more as he gets older. Also, good job taking care of yourself. That is really hard. Glad you have a good support team. Congratulations on your progress!
posted by Bella Donna at 7:28 AM on March 27, 2018 [10 favorites]

Best answer: My younger child's baby period is basically a blur because we spent the first two years of her life embroiled in a series of crises and barely holding it together.

I can report now that at 4 and 7, they have a delightful relationship with each other and with me. The great thing about the bond with your kid is that it continues to grow - it's not like there's some window that you miss in the first few months. So my older kid loves word jokes and board games, which my husband has no interest in, and we bond over that. It seriously makes me SO HAPPY to have someone to share that interest with. My younger kid is loud and demanding, but bursting with imagination and it's delightful to hear what sort of things she comes up with. She's learning to read, and basks in the attention from both me and her brother after she reads us her next Bob book. As she continues to grow and develop into her own person, I think more things will emerge that just the two of us are interested in, and we'll enjoy sharing those.

We're a book family, and I always love looking at books with kids, so I'd say that's one bonding thing you can do with the baby. Also for some reason when she was a baby we really enjoyed crawling under the big comforter on my bed and tenting it over us so we were alone in this beige world with just each other.
posted by telepanda at 7:38 AM on March 27, 2018 [4 favorites]

I have twins. Up until 8 months, the girls were super attached to me. I was on maternity leave, I did both naps, and I took care of them during the day until I went back to work. At night, we swapped which kid we would take care of at night.

At 8 months for strategic reasons, we stuck to one baby at night and we both cared for both babies during the day. Each baby bonded to their night parent so hard that it was only at 20 months that their affections evened out.

I am not saying you need to be a solo night parent. All that to say that there is SO much bonding yet to be done. You're doing it right now, every time you meet one of his needs.

I had a medically very complicated postpartum period, and it was hard work to take care of myself. What a great job you're doing to take care of yourself. Congratulations. Taking care of yourself is taking care of your baby.
posted by studioaudience at 7:53 AM on March 27, 2018 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Yes, sounds entirely normal from my conversations with other mom-friends and my own experience.

The one practical suggestion I have is to talk as much as possible to the second child. My second kiddo has a speech delay that is now being treated but I beat myself up because I simply did not talk to him nearly as much as I did my first child. There's probably no correlation, but just in case, make sure to get the words in!
posted by caoimhe at 7:57 AM on March 27, 2018

Best answer: Young babies are a black hole of attention and affection. With your first child the newness and more or less forced 1 on 1 time make you kind of forget this. Not so with future babies.

Kids are fun. There's not a lot of competition there. You are doing great.
posted by French Fry at 8:52 AM on March 27, 2018 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I think an hour is an awfully long and maybe too intense time to just play with a baby straight through! If you are doing other stuff while the baby is hanging out close by on a blanket on the floor or something, and you're talking or singing to the baby from time to time, and otherwise available to respond to needs as they come up, that counts too! And is arguably even more important than straight play time because you're developing a companionable relationship and setting up your future relationship, otherwise known as bonding.
posted by Gnella at 9:50 AM on March 27, 2018

Best answer: I am ambivalent about other peoples children, I love my own immensely. Baby #1 died at childbirth, would not wish that on my worse enemy. Baby #2 was 2 years later and healthy and PPD did set in but was mild and I spent 12 months home with her before returning to work. Baby #3 came 8 years later, early and with health issues. She spent months in the neonatal ward, I could rarely hold her and then when she was finally home, she had all these monitors that went off it seemed every bloody hour. I had to go back to work within weeks of her coming home. I did however have a great sitter. She mostly grew out of her health issues after the first year. I never was able to breastfeed, I never did special bonding with her and I spent her first year exhausted and in a fog. but now at 16, She is my shadow when she is home (and not out with friends). I am much closer to her than I am with my oldest (she was a bear in her tweens/teens) I spent way too much time when they were younger worrying about issues that never materialized. I worry about other things now..
posted by ReiFlinx at 10:26 AM on March 27, 2018 [6 favorites]

It sounds like things are good now. Look forward not back. More will depend on the kids personalitybthan anything that happened in the past.
posted by SemiSalt at 10:45 AM on March 27, 2018

Best answer: I am so sorry you went through such a crappy time. I wonder if you feel guilty about your PPD, and it's coloring how you feel now and making you worry you have irretrievably broken something between you - ? If that's the case, you're not alone. I had undiagnosed depression when my kids were tiny and it still nags at me. Forgive me if I'm presuming, but if that *is* the case, I hope you find a way to let it go. Your relationship with your kids is about the long term, not one relatively short phase.

I found my baby time unbelievably boring. What helped was hanging out with other moms of infants, finding ways to incorporate the second baby into things I was doing with the older one, and knowing she was getting closer to Doing Active Things every day.

As for bonding/cozy time, massage was great, holding her (sleeping in my arms) while reading to my older one, lots of head sniffing (that baby scent is amazing), making up songs about her and singing them to her at bedtime and other times, and making myself stop multitasking and just getting on the floor with her during floor time to coo back and make lots of eye contact.

This boring bit will end sooner than you know. Hang in there and just wait until they start playing together! That's pretty amazing.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 11:28 AM on March 27, 2018

Best answer: This sounds normal and you’re doing a GREAT job. Skin-to-skin can be really helpful for this ‘detached’ feeling, which I’ve experienced as well during times of stress. One thing you can do is during a nap, have baby sleep on top of you, if that is something you both enjoy. Or, as others have suggested, babywearing in an Ergo or a sling/wrap. Btw for me the effect takes place even if I’m doing other stuff at the same time (ie going for a walk with sleeping baby wrapped tight on my front or back) - no need to ‘focus’ on baby or interact, which is kind-of hard and not very satifying at that age (imho). Let your body/skin do the work.
It gets easier!
posted by The Toad at 11:45 AM on March 27, 2018

My older kid - 4yo - and I do a couple things *together* for 8mo babe that I think are bonding on multiple levels. 1) We make up songs w several verses and chorus for the babe that we sing to him (one goes “Sweet Potato Cake Pie! You’re my tasty little guy!”) Now that babe knows them, they make him laugh / giggle and are catchy enough that older kid and I both find ourselves singing them to him on our own. Or, like, in the elevator at work. 2) Older kid is into a phase of making books - he dictates them, I write the words and draw pics for him to color in. New twist we do is that he likes it when we read these books (which are sometimes totally nonsensical and there are an awful lot of superhero characters who don’t want to go to bed in them but whatever) to babe at bedtime. Both activities feel sweet and special and I get my fix of interactivity w older son and babe loves our singing and storytime
posted by sestaaak at 1:26 PM on March 27, 2018 [2 favorites]

From the male perspective: I was, sadly, unable to breastfeed any of my children. But I still bonded with them and love them dearly.

I also end up spending more time/focus on one of the kids for a while and have to make sure I spread my attention around to everyone else. I think this is natural and changes from one kid to the next depending on their development.

You are normal.
posted by tacodave at 4:18 PM on March 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I fell head over heels in love with my first baby at first sight. My second baby I did not. I liked her, and cared for her, and loved her, but I did not have the intense love that I did with my first. I did not have PPD. Now that my kids are in their late teens, I can tell you that throughout our relationships there are times when I have been and felt closer to one than the other, and times when I really question who they are. I love them both, and feel in awe of them and they are my favorite people, but the feelings of closeness and connectedness come and go depending on their age and stage of development.
posted by momochan at 5:42 PM on March 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

Best answer: OMG, a 4-year old is going to be so much more interesting than a baby. You don't actively dislike the baby and that's wonderful! You can play with the baby for an hour, you take delight in things about him. It's understandable that you don't enjoy him as much as your older child, he mostly is an adorable, but bland, lump of work. Someday soon, he will start work on his interesting personality. Until then, give yourself some slack and maybe give him more baths than he needs since it's fun for both of you.
posted by Foam Pants at 6:47 PM on March 27, 2018 [2 favorites]

Best answer: You know how you and your best friend can sit on the couch, doing totally different things, and still be "together?" It's like that. You don't have to be in each other's space 24/7.
The whole "new baby... must take pictures EVERY SINGLE DAY" thing? Meticulously keeping a baby journal of "first words, first steps, etc?" You're probably a bit over that focal point, too.

You can relax, now. You've got this.
You had a few bumps on the road, but you got ahead of it. Good on you. Keep the support crew in the loop and be kind to yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Try lying together on a pallet. You read a book (out loud, if you like) or maybe some song lyrics in a children's book. Use the closest found objects and explore. A feather. A pine cone. Things that are mouthing-friendly.

Try going for a walk in the neighborhood with the baby in a stroller (a front sling can be too heavy after a while). Check out what's happening. Kids playing. Pets outside. New lawn furniture. Keep a random conversation going.

Ask some of the childcare people in your daughter's world for advice on different interactions. This is their jam -- they want to help anyone who will listen. Your preferred elementary school teachers are a resource for this, too. Network with them.

And as others have said, the family circle has become much broader. Step back and enjoy how your children interact with the world and each other.
It's a beautiful thing, looking at the universe through your child's eyes.
posted by TrishaU at 10:35 PM on March 27, 2018

Response by poster: Thank you. This has been an amazing help to me. I feel both deeply reassured and equipped with some great ideas to try.
posted by jeszac at 12:47 PM on March 28, 2018