I think I have ADD but not sure how to proceed under life collapsing
March 26, 2018 9:40 AM Subscribe
My life has gotten unmanageable. I've found the details of life to be overwhelming, and despite my best intentions, I cannot get organized, nor seem to finish important projects. This is not a new thing for me. My life has simply not scaled well to my own solutions for getting by. I have a high-level management position, and the walls are starting to close in. It's gotten beyond being a time-management issue or trying to get more organized, and I've been seeing a psychiatrist about anxiety and depression.
The psychiatric help has benefitted me. But while it's helping to mitigate the negative feelings and mood, I'm having *such* a hard time keeping up with the details of life, to the point that I'm thinking of taking medical leave from work because it's affecting me so badly. I had a large event that I had to host at work (many hundreds of people), and I almost had a mental break due to the strain of this (I've never had this before), on top of other work and life details. It strikes me as not simply being axiety and depression, but something that is just... missing in my skill set for life, that causes these things.
In trying to figure out what the hell is going on with me, I read a couple of good books on ADD in adults. It felt as if I was reading about myself, over the course of my entire life. It made me cry, because I've always felt a lot of shame. If this is correct, then I'm almost entirely on the "attention deficit" end of the spectrum, although there is some crossover. Like, 9/9 questions very affirmative (when 6 is an indication that you should check in with your doctor). It would explain so much.
I've always been wary of this diagnosis, perhaps due to it being overdiagnosed in kids when I was growing up. And I grew up in a family where you just worked harder and pulled yourself up by your bootstraps to get things done. I've always been able to do enough to get by, but with a whole lot of anxiety and what seems (to others) like lack of potential at a number of points. But the more I read, the more I'm sure this is probably right.
Someone said that ADD in adults is not identified earlier because life can sometimes be managed easier with those who carry some of your burden, but as you grow, it gets complicated to the point that it surfaces in a big way. I feel as if I've officially met this level of complication, and the dam is about to break.
I have an upcoming visit with my psychiatrist, and we'll certainly talk about this. I have no idea what this means, though. I've had a couple of hard performance reviews at work (due to these issues), and I feel like I'm barely hanging on. I don't know how to weave this possibility into it all, as I'm used to feeling guilty about my personal shortcomings to get things done. It's hit my home life hard, and I've had to take accountability for a number of failings, mainly due to follow-through and planning and unhealthy ways of coping, and I don't want this to seem like it's an excuse not to do my work.
Basically, I need some help navigating this. How should I go about this? What should I say, and to whom? I'm assuming the first stop is my psychiatrist, but I worry also about being taken seriously. I'm worried how to tell my wife, without it seeming like an excuse. How do I do this right?
The psychiatric help has benefitted me. But while it's helping to mitigate the negative feelings and mood, I'm having *such* a hard time keeping up with the details of life, to the point that I'm thinking of taking medical leave from work because it's affecting me so badly. I had a large event that I had to host at work (many hundreds of people), and I almost had a mental break due to the strain of this (I've never had this before), on top of other work and life details. It strikes me as not simply being axiety and depression, but something that is just... missing in my skill set for life, that causes these things.
In trying to figure out what the hell is going on with me, I read a couple of good books on ADD in adults. It felt as if I was reading about myself, over the course of my entire life. It made me cry, because I've always felt a lot of shame. If this is correct, then I'm almost entirely on the "attention deficit" end of the spectrum, although there is some crossover. Like, 9/9 questions very affirmative (when 6 is an indication that you should check in with your doctor). It would explain so much.
I've always been wary of this diagnosis, perhaps due to it being overdiagnosed in kids when I was growing up. And I grew up in a family where you just worked harder and pulled yourself up by your bootstraps to get things done. I've always been able to do enough to get by, but with a whole lot of anxiety and what seems (to others) like lack of potential at a number of points. But the more I read, the more I'm sure this is probably right.
Someone said that ADD in adults is not identified earlier because life can sometimes be managed easier with those who carry some of your burden, but as you grow, it gets complicated to the point that it surfaces in a big way. I feel as if I've officially met this level of complication, and the dam is about to break.
I have an upcoming visit with my psychiatrist, and we'll certainly talk about this. I have no idea what this means, though. I've had a couple of hard performance reviews at work (due to these issues), and I feel like I'm barely hanging on. I don't know how to weave this possibility into it all, as I'm used to feeling guilty about my personal shortcomings to get things done. It's hit my home life hard, and I've had to take accountability for a number of failings, mainly due to follow-through and planning and unhealthy ways of coping, and I don't want this to seem like it's an excuse not to do my work.
Basically, I need some help navigating this. How should I go about this? What should I say, and to whom? I'm assuming the first stop is my psychiatrist, but I worry also about being taken seriously. I'm worried how to tell my wife, without it seeming like an excuse. How do I do this right?
I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 33. I never finished college because I couldn't manage my workload properly and then I'd spend days avoiding tasks because I'd avoided them for too long already and now they felt SCARY. I spent years not being able to hold down administrative/secretarial jobs because I fucking suck at organization. I became a stay at home mom, which helped in a weird way, because I was actually great at handling the chaos of babies and toddlers with their intrinsic incapacity to allow for structure in our days. But my marriage was absolute shit because my (now ex) husband went CRAZY due to the messy house and undone chores and forgotten deadlines on bills and plumbers.
All this to say, I have lived this. I have felt overwhelmed. I know the feeling where everything seems like it's all too much and I can never get out from under the pile of what needs to happen which is suffocating me. My coping mechanism is to hide under the blankets and read books to distract myself from that feeling. Which is... not the healthiest thing, yes?
I hope I've established that I GET THIS. I live it. I feel you. You aren't alone, and you definitely aren't experiencing anything unfixable or abnormal. Most important, you are a smart, capable, competent, and worthwhile human being. Your problems can be fixed. It's a matter of finding the right help and developing the right skills. IT CAN BE DONE. IT WILL HAPPEN FOR YOU. THIS CRISIS WILL PASS and you will be okay.
Here is what helped me turn my life around:
At the age of 31, I went online and secretly ordered standard stimulant medication... illegally. All I knew at the time was I was sleeping way too much (avoidance! anxiety! depression! overwhelm!) - and I needed to stop sleeping so much. I got the pills. I needed to do this in secret rather than go to a doctor because my (ex) husband was abusive and controlling and would laugh at me if I said I wanted to see a doctor. You don't have that problem. You have a psychiatrist. YAY GO YOU.
I got the pills, which, miraculously, were neither fake nor poisoned etc. I started taking them. The dosage was waaaaaay too high for me, the first two days I spent shaking, my heart racing. Then I started cutting the pills in half. This worked much better.
It was like my life turned around overnight. Suddenly I had (a) focus (b) energy (c) THE WILL TO START ON A DREADED CHORE OR PROJECT and (d) THE ABILITY TO FINISH A THING. You know how big a deal this is. You are living the nightmare right now, aren't you. You can imagine what this did for me psychologically.
Suddenly I wasn't a complete failure. Suddenly I was getting shit done. I didn't magically become organized and efficient and not-forgetful... not at all. But instead of spending entire weeks avoiding folding my laundry, I was doing two or three chores every day. I kept on top of shit. The laundry was still a dreaded chore but it sat in the dryer for only two days before I folded it, not two weeks. I began to unfuck closets that had been crammed to bursting with random junk. My home went from looking like a hoarder's place to looking... neat. Organized, even. I only had one drawer of junk instead of six drawers, two closets, and a whole basement. Seriously. It was incredible.
And there's more! I started applying for jobs. When I didn't get any jobs, I started working at Starbucks part time and kept applying. Three months in, I got an offer at my dream job and I jumped into it. I DID MY JOB. It was a writing job, not admin, so the core part of my job was something I was good at instead of the biggest bane of my existence. That helped. I did well at my job. I started feeling like maybe, just maybe, I was a worthwhile human being. I got an even better job soon that paid way more. WHAAAAAAT. This was unheard of. Was it possible that I was not only adequate but also GOOD at things?? Not just that I wasn't a failure but I was also capable of ... success?? Even though my shitty ex was *still* telling me I was lazy and useless, I could see with my own eyes how much better I was.
Mind you, my life wasn't magically solved. I still struggled with remembering things, doing chores on time, sticking to routines, keeping up with clutter, etc. My newfound self-worth made me say, hey, maybe this doesn't mean I am a terrible human being who sucks... maybe this means I need help, and skills. Maybe this is a problem that can be solved.
By this time I had run out of my illegal stash of pills for a year. I was flying solo, but still doing so much better than before, because I had realized I was capable of doing things. I was too scared to order them again. So I sought help. I went to my primary care doctor and asked her for help with my sleepiness and laziness and disorganization. She said, maybe it's ADD? And sent me to a psychologist. Three sessions, lots of paperwork and questionnaires and assessments to fill out. My ex laughed at me and mocked me and accused me of all kinds of idiotic things. Somehow I was able to shrug and say, "Well, maybe I'm shitty and lazy and maybe I should be able to do this by willpower alone, but I've tried it, it didn't work, so now I'm going to do what works for me." I didn't let him shame me anymore. I didn't let him stop me from taking care of myself.
A couple of days past my 33rd birthday, I got th official diagnosis of ADHD, primarily Inattentive type. I had a legal presciption for Ritalin. I was still anxious and scared though so I procrastinated for three months before I went and had the prescription filled.
Boom, immediate improvement. Doing great at my job, doing better at keeping up with the house... but still not perfect. I decided maybe I need more help. I didn't even feel like I'm shitty shitty shitty this time, I didn't beat myself up and think maybe I should just pull myself up by my bootstraps, god, what is wrong with me, I have medication, what more can I need???! Which is what I would have done to myself until just a year ago even. My attitude became entirely different once I gained self worth.
Anyway, long story short, getting therapy changed my life in even more spectacular ways, because in therapy I realized I was in an abusive marriage and then I left my ex. Now, I still struggle with disorganization and still have episodes where I get overwhelmed by Things That Need Doing, but I have an actual life. I manage to actually adult well 90% of the time. It's incredible what meds and therapy did for me. I strongly, strongly encourage you to try them. You are worth it. You are NOT hopeless.
Good luck!
posted by MiraK at 10:22 AM on March 26, 2018 [54 favorites]
All this to say, I have lived this. I have felt overwhelmed. I know the feeling where everything seems like it's all too much and I can never get out from under the pile of what needs to happen which is suffocating me. My coping mechanism is to hide under the blankets and read books to distract myself from that feeling. Which is... not the healthiest thing, yes?
I hope I've established that I GET THIS. I live it. I feel you. You aren't alone, and you definitely aren't experiencing anything unfixable or abnormal. Most important, you are a smart, capable, competent, and worthwhile human being. Your problems can be fixed. It's a matter of finding the right help and developing the right skills. IT CAN BE DONE. IT WILL HAPPEN FOR YOU. THIS CRISIS WILL PASS and you will be okay.
Here is what helped me turn my life around:
At the age of 31, I went online and secretly ordered standard stimulant medication... illegally. All I knew at the time was I was sleeping way too much (avoidance! anxiety! depression! overwhelm!) - and I needed to stop sleeping so much. I got the pills. I needed to do this in secret rather than go to a doctor because my (ex) husband was abusive and controlling and would laugh at me if I said I wanted to see a doctor. You don't have that problem. You have a psychiatrist. YAY GO YOU.
I got the pills, which, miraculously, were neither fake nor poisoned etc. I started taking them. The dosage was waaaaaay too high for me, the first two days I spent shaking, my heart racing. Then I started cutting the pills in half. This worked much better.
It was like my life turned around overnight. Suddenly I had (a) focus (b) energy (c) THE WILL TO START ON A DREADED CHORE OR PROJECT and (d) THE ABILITY TO FINISH A THING. You know how big a deal this is. You are living the nightmare right now, aren't you. You can imagine what this did for me psychologically.
Suddenly I wasn't a complete failure. Suddenly I was getting shit done. I didn't magically become organized and efficient and not-forgetful... not at all. But instead of spending entire weeks avoiding folding my laundry, I was doing two or three chores every day. I kept on top of shit. The laundry was still a dreaded chore but it sat in the dryer for only two days before I folded it, not two weeks. I began to unfuck closets that had been crammed to bursting with random junk. My home went from looking like a hoarder's place to looking... neat. Organized, even. I only had one drawer of junk instead of six drawers, two closets, and a whole basement. Seriously. It was incredible.
And there's more! I started applying for jobs. When I didn't get any jobs, I started working at Starbucks part time and kept applying. Three months in, I got an offer at my dream job and I jumped into it. I DID MY JOB. It was a writing job, not admin, so the core part of my job was something I was good at instead of the biggest bane of my existence. That helped. I did well at my job. I started feeling like maybe, just maybe, I was a worthwhile human being. I got an even better job soon that paid way more. WHAAAAAAT. This was unheard of. Was it possible that I was not only adequate but also GOOD at things?? Not just that I wasn't a failure but I was also capable of ... success?? Even though my shitty ex was *still* telling me I was lazy and useless, I could see with my own eyes how much better I was.
Mind you, my life wasn't magically solved. I still struggled with remembering things, doing chores on time, sticking to routines, keeping up with clutter, etc. My newfound self-worth made me say, hey, maybe this doesn't mean I am a terrible human being who sucks... maybe this means I need help, and skills. Maybe this is a problem that can be solved.
By this time I had run out of my illegal stash of pills for a year. I was flying solo, but still doing so much better than before, because I had realized I was capable of doing things. I was too scared to order them again. So I sought help. I went to my primary care doctor and asked her for help with my sleepiness and laziness and disorganization. She said, maybe it's ADD? And sent me to a psychologist. Three sessions, lots of paperwork and questionnaires and assessments to fill out. My ex laughed at me and mocked me and accused me of all kinds of idiotic things. Somehow I was able to shrug and say, "Well, maybe I'm shitty and lazy and maybe I should be able to do this by willpower alone, but I've tried it, it didn't work, so now I'm going to do what works for me." I didn't let him shame me anymore. I didn't let him stop me from taking care of myself.
A couple of days past my 33rd birthday, I got th official diagnosis of ADHD, primarily Inattentive type. I had a legal presciption for Ritalin. I was still anxious and scared though so I procrastinated for three months before I went and had the prescription filled.
Boom, immediate improvement. Doing great at my job, doing better at keeping up with the house... but still not perfect. I decided maybe I need more help. I didn't even feel like I'm shitty shitty shitty this time, I didn't beat myself up and think maybe I should just pull myself up by my bootstraps, god, what is wrong with me, I have medication, what more can I need???! Which is what I would have done to myself until just a year ago even. My attitude became entirely different once I gained self worth.
Anyway, long story short, getting therapy changed my life in even more spectacular ways, because in therapy I realized I was in an abusive marriage and then I left my ex. Now, I still struggle with disorganization and still have episodes where I get overwhelmed by Things That Need Doing, but I have an actual life. I manage to actually adult well 90% of the time. It's incredible what meds and therapy did for me. I strongly, strongly encourage you to try them. You are worth it. You are NOT hopeless.
Good luck!
posted by MiraK at 10:22 AM on March 26, 2018 [54 favorites]
I'm thinking of taking medical leave from work
I think you should do this if you possibly can. Give yourself some space to breathe and investigate all this. You owe it to yourself, your wife and your colleagues in that order.
Find a psychiatrist who specializes in ADD. Don't quit the one you have if you like them, but it's totally valid to want to consult with someone who specializes in a specific thing. That person can have a conversation with you/do a screening/whatever that will make you feel like it's a "valid" diagnosis and can help you with language to explain this to your wife, HR dept, boss etc.
It's going to be ok! As alone and ashamed as you feel, you're really not. You just have to give yourself the space and permission to find the people who can help you. The psychiatrist you have is a great first step, I really think an ADD specialist can continue to help a lot.
posted by mrmurbles at 10:24 AM on March 26, 2018
I think you should do this if you possibly can. Give yourself some space to breathe and investigate all this. You owe it to yourself, your wife and your colleagues in that order.
Find a psychiatrist who specializes in ADD. Don't quit the one you have if you like them, but it's totally valid to want to consult with someone who specializes in a specific thing. That person can have a conversation with you/do a screening/whatever that will make you feel like it's a "valid" diagnosis and can help you with language to explain this to your wife, HR dept, boss etc.
It's going to be ok! As alone and ashamed as you feel, you're really not. You just have to give yourself the space and permission to find the people who can help you. The psychiatrist you have is a great first step, I really think an ADD specialist can continue to help a lot.
posted by mrmurbles at 10:24 AM on March 26, 2018
Having ADD, or being diagnosed and treated for it, is not a personal failure or an excuse or a weakness. It was not overdiagnosed when we were kids; science started catching up when we were kids. (Ritalin may have been overprescribed, maybe that's what you're thinking of, but it was also the only drug available at the time.)
Cognitive processing is a multi-dimensional axis. Most people have strengths and weaknesses, and some combos are a better bargain than others. You've clearly got chops in some of your quadrants, but attention/focus is not so great and you are reaching a point where your strengths can't overcompensate enough and so you deal with that by working on it.
It would have been great if you'd gotten diagnosed 20 years ago so you could have started learning all the strategies that can be used to help - and surely you do already do some of them even without maybe specifically being taught, but there's a lot of work that's been done on this and plenty you can learn still - but you didn't and you got by and now you realize you need them, so there you go. Go see some experts and get the assist you deserve. If you started having trouble reading small print, you'd get your eyes looked at, right? Same deal.
For some people, going on medication is necessary to get out of your own way long enough to do that skills-building. My husband did it for a year while he did a ton of training and finding the work/study/life routines that really worked for him, and got to a point where his productivity was so much better that the side effects of the medication weren't worth it anymore (and then figured out a little later than ADD's best buddies, anxiety and depression, are probably going to need medication forever and that's much more workable than long-term amphetamines, but some people need the long-term amphetamines too, and if that's your case you'll find ways to deal).
You can't actually lift your own feet off the ground by your bootstraps (at best you might could lift someone else by theirs, but they'll probably fall on their head so maybe don't). Bootstraps are stupid. Get you a CBT/ACT therapist alongside your p-doc and work on some better more useful narratives.
I guarantee your wife would rather have you productive and not on constant verge of a nervous breakdown. If you're having trouble right now believing you "deserve" or "qualify" for help, do it for her to start with.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:35 AM on March 26, 2018 [5 favorites]
Cognitive processing is a multi-dimensional axis. Most people have strengths and weaknesses, and some combos are a better bargain than others. You've clearly got chops in some of your quadrants, but attention/focus is not so great and you are reaching a point where your strengths can't overcompensate enough and so you deal with that by working on it.
It would have been great if you'd gotten diagnosed 20 years ago so you could have started learning all the strategies that can be used to help - and surely you do already do some of them even without maybe specifically being taught, but there's a lot of work that's been done on this and plenty you can learn still - but you didn't and you got by and now you realize you need them, so there you go. Go see some experts and get the assist you deserve. If you started having trouble reading small print, you'd get your eyes looked at, right? Same deal.
For some people, going on medication is necessary to get out of your own way long enough to do that skills-building. My husband did it for a year while he did a ton of training and finding the work/study/life routines that really worked for him, and got to a point where his productivity was so much better that the side effects of the medication weren't worth it anymore (and then figured out a little later than ADD's best buddies, anxiety and depression, are probably going to need medication forever and that's much more workable than long-term amphetamines, but some people need the long-term amphetamines too, and if that's your case you'll find ways to deal).
You can't actually lift your own feet off the ground by your bootstraps (at best you might could lift someone else by theirs, but they'll probably fall on their head so maybe don't). Bootstraps are stupid. Get you a CBT/ACT therapist alongside your p-doc and work on some better more useful narratives.
I guarantee your wife would rather have you productive and not on constant verge of a nervous breakdown. If you're having trouble right now believing you "deserve" or "qualify" for help, do it for her to start with.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:35 AM on March 26, 2018 [5 favorites]
I was diagnosed with ADHD-I after dropping out of a very prestigious university at age 21. I had been self-medicating with legal stimulants. Nobody suggested ADHD until I went to the university's disability resources centre after my third year exams.
It's completely possible to make it a long way in life without realising that your experience is not normal, particularly if you don't present with hyperactive symptoms, which are what most people still associate with ADHD. I had been classified as "lazy" early in my school career, and I'm still (seven years after diagnosis) struggling with believing that I'm not. I also had the same trepidations as you about overdiagnosis in kids, which is part of why I didn't seek help sooner, to my detriment.
It's taken me a while, but diagnosis and understanding was a pivotal point in my life. Knowing my weaknesses (and conversely, my strengths compared to neurotypical people) means I can plan and accomplish things far more effectively. I'm happier and more productive than I ever have been before, and it's as a result of knowing how my brain works, and what I can do to point it in the directions I want. These days, it's rare that I use medication, but common ADHD prescriptions are fast-acting and effective even if you take them occasionally.
It's scary, and it's still stigmatised in certain ways. If you're diagnosed, you won't be fixed overnight. It's still definitely worth it. For what it's worth, I've also found that I was much more worried about what people I knew would think than I needed to be - almost all of my friends and family who I told at the time responded some variation of "Oh, that makes a lot of sense". People who I tell now say "Really? But you're so organised!". This could be you one day. Talk to your psychiatrist.
posted by spielzebub at 10:47 AM on March 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
It's completely possible to make it a long way in life without realising that your experience is not normal, particularly if you don't present with hyperactive symptoms, which are what most people still associate with ADHD. I had been classified as "lazy" early in my school career, and I'm still (seven years after diagnosis) struggling with believing that I'm not. I also had the same trepidations as you about overdiagnosis in kids, which is part of why I didn't seek help sooner, to my detriment.
It's taken me a while, but diagnosis and understanding was a pivotal point in my life. Knowing my weaknesses (and conversely, my strengths compared to neurotypical people) means I can plan and accomplish things far more effectively. I'm happier and more productive than I ever have been before, and it's as a result of knowing how my brain works, and what I can do to point it in the directions I want. These days, it's rare that I use medication, but common ADHD prescriptions are fast-acting and effective even if you take them occasionally.
It's scary, and it's still stigmatised in certain ways. If you're diagnosed, you won't be fixed overnight. It's still definitely worth it. For what it's worth, I've also found that I was much more worried about what people I knew would think than I needed to be - almost all of my friends and family who I told at the time responded some variation of "Oh, that makes a lot of sense". People who I tell now say "Really? But you're so organised!". This could be you one day. Talk to your psychiatrist.
posted by spielzebub at 10:47 AM on March 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
Having read that back, I've not really answered your question. Here was my process as an adult under the NHS in the UK - it may not be relevant or helpful, but on the off-chance it is I'll post it anyway:
posted by spielzebub at 11:05 AM on March 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
- Spoke to an educational psychologist. "I'm struggling with certain things and I'm worried there's an underlying issue." This was arranged through my university.
- On her advice, spoke to my GP and asked to be referred to a psychiatrist regarding ADHD. He referred me to a specialist at the local hospital.
- Had a consultation with the psychiatrist. In advance, he sent me three detailed questionnaires - one for me to fill out myself, one for a family member to fill out, and one for a close friend. He also asked me to bring things like school reports or anything I thought might be relevant. As I recall, the consultation lasted about an hour.
- At the end, he told me that it was his opinion I have ADHD type I, and gave me a little advice on what kind of treatment I could expect to receive through the NHS, and a few books to read. He wrote up a report and sent it to me and my GP, which included his recommendation on what medication the GP should prescribe me.
- I organised a follow-up appointment with my GP, where we talked about the diagnosis, and he started me on the medication the specialist had recommended.
posted by spielzebub at 11:05 AM on March 26, 2018 [2 favorites]
This post is hitting home! My experience sounds very similar to yours. Speaking openly with my psychiatrist about this took me months. The only regret I have is that I did not broach the subject sooner. If you feel uncomfortable talking to your current psychiatrist, it's not unreasonable to visit one who specializes in ADHD. Whether you are diagnosed or not, you may find the experience helpful and worthwhile.
Like you, I was wary of this diagnosis. After years of effort, I had developed some coping skills but I was still struggling in many areas of life. It's very telling that I'd made so little progress when I was convinced that my problem was an issue of character -- yet when I began accepting treatment for a disorder, things absolutely turned around in a comparatively short span of time. All areas of my life have since significantly improved, professionally and personally. My own issues with anxiety and depression have become so much more manageable without the stresses brought on by my untreated ADHD. If it would help you to hear more details, please feel free to message me.
I kept my ADHD diagnosis and treatment entirely private until the people close to me started noticing the positive difference (and did they ever notice!), which I think really eased the doubts of those who might have otherwise been skeptical.
You are not alone! I wish you the best of luck. This video is very silly but it cheered me up and helped me feel comfortable talking to my psychiatrist.
posted by aerofuturist dance at 11:22 AM on March 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
Like you, I was wary of this diagnosis. After years of effort, I had developed some coping skills but I was still struggling in many areas of life. It's very telling that I'd made so little progress when I was convinced that my problem was an issue of character -- yet when I began accepting treatment for a disorder, things absolutely turned around in a comparatively short span of time. All areas of my life have since significantly improved, professionally and personally. My own issues with anxiety and depression have become so much more manageable without the stresses brought on by my untreated ADHD. If it would help you to hear more details, please feel free to message me.
I kept my ADHD diagnosis and treatment entirely private until the people close to me started noticing the positive difference (and did they ever notice!), which I think really eased the doubts of those who might have otherwise been skeptical.
You are not alone! I wish you the best of luck. This video is very silly but it cheered me up and helped me feel comfortable talking to my psychiatrist.
posted by aerofuturist dance at 11:22 AM on March 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
You need A) medication and B) a vacation. ADD meds are effective. You will feel much more motivated, positive, and energized on something like Vyvanse than you do right now. You also need to get away from the cares of your day-to-day working life for a while, and readjust your perspective on life. Your job sounds legitimately stressfull and you sound like you need a break from that.
Do not make any major life decisions in the first month or so of taking amphetamines, though. Lots of things will seem like good ideas that aren't. You'll feel like a new person and you'll want to start a new life. Don't, or at least wait on it for a month or two before making any moves.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 11:55 AM on March 26, 2018
Do not make any major life decisions in the first month or so of taking amphetamines, though. Lots of things will seem like good ideas that aren't. You'll feel like a new person and you'll want to start a new life. Don't, or at least wait on it for a month or two before making any moves.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 11:55 AM on March 26, 2018
My ex was formally diagnosed with ADD in his early 30s, and being medicated made it significantly more possible for him to function and both start and complete tasks. A couple people have mentioned this, but to reinforce: meds can basically lower the ADD barriers for you, but they can't/won't fix everything by themselves. You are likely to benefit from medication-- and then, once you get stable on a medication that works for you, you probably want to revisit both coping strategies that have worked for you and coping mechanisms that you tried and rejected in the past. So, for example, if you tried using phone reminders 5 years ago and gave it up because you could never remember to turn them on, try that again with medication-- because medication will shift your headspace enough that some of those things will work for you now.
I do recommend couple's therapy and individual therapy for both of you-- if you have a history of not coping well there may be bottled-up resentment that will need to be addressed. I would have appreciated it a lot if my ex had taken more of a this-is-a-reason-not-and-excuse stance, as suggested by soelo above. I think I'd have been more receptive and sympathetic of my ex had said something like "I've recently realized that this medical issue has probably been at the core of (or acerbating) a bunch of challenges for me, and that I am likely to be more successful at actively addressing this stuff if I deal with the medical end and work on developing a better set of tools to manage it". If you frame it as a thing that you have realized you have some ability to mitigate (because you do!), rather than the reason-why-this-isn't-really-your-fault-because-biology, I suspect that will go over better.
posted by Kpele at 12:23 PM on March 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
I do recommend couple's therapy and individual therapy for both of you-- if you have a history of not coping well there may be bottled-up resentment that will need to be addressed. I would have appreciated it a lot if my ex had taken more of a this-is-a-reason-not-and-excuse stance, as suggested by soelo above. I think I'd have been more receptive and sympathetic of my ex had said something like "I've recently realized that this medical issue has probably been at the core of (or acerbating) a bunch of challenges for me, and that I am likely to be more successful at actively addressing this stuff if I deal with the medical end and work on developing a better set of tools to manage it". If you frame it as a thing that you have realized you have some ability to mitigate (because you do!), rather than the reason-why-this-isn't-really-your-fault-because-biology, I suspect that will go over better.
posted by Kpele at 12:23 PM on March 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
I was going to write you a long post about my own story/journey with suspecting ADD/ADHD, loads of repeated failure, generally feeling like everyone was somehow playing the game of life on the 'easy' setting in comparison, suicidal ideation and attempts, and my eventual diagnosis. Instead, I thought I'd address a few of the things you mentioned in specific and give you a roadmap that could help. (Your mileage may vary.)
1. Locate, download, and print one copy of the 'Diagnostic Interview for ADHD in adults (DIVA)'
2. Find a quiet place. Take a breath. Fill it out and answer every, single question honestly.
2a. Write in the margins and add factual details as they come.
3. Book an appointment with the relevant medical profesional in your area who is qualified to diagnose mental disorders in humans. If you cannot book with them directly, book with a general practitioner or equivalent who can refer you to a medical professional qualified to diagnose mental disorders in humans.
4. GO TO THIS APPOINTMENT. Tell them what you said in your post. Show them your completed DIVA. Show them the margins, if relevant. Be honest about your struggles. Go into detail, even when it's hard. Tell them every bit of research you've done, even as a result of receiving answers on this post. Tell them that the goal of your attendance at this appointment (or the second one, if that's where you are) is to be provided with an assessment for ADD/ADHD by a qualified medical professional. Tell them that you will accept nothing less. If they suggest CBT, entertain it if you wish, but insist that you want a qualified medical professional to oversee the completion of an assessment for ADD/ADHD. Stand your ground. Be brave. Be persistent.
5. Complete the assessment for ADD/ADHD provided to you by a medical professional. Work with them and be honest. If something doesn't feel accurate, speak up. This is your health and your body and your mind -- you are allowed to communicate about yourself authentically.
If you receive a diagnosis for ADD/ADHD, realise that this does not detract from your worth or value as a person. (In fact, sometimes I feel like I have superpowers when I can utilise my ADD mind.) You are not compelled to share your diagnosis with anyone in your life. (Unless you are compelled, like, legally. Obey your local laws.) There are loads of resources both fun and academic to give you more insight into how the ADD/ADHD mind function. You are still a valuable person. You are still worthy of success and happiness and love. You are still you.
If you do not receive a diagnosis for ADD/ADHD, persist in working with a mental health professional until you are given tools to successfully help you with the struggles that you're having. This could include an alternate, more fitting diagnosis. You haven't failed if you thought you had ADD/ADHD, but it turns out you didn't. You've clocked that something doesn't feel right in your life, and you are brave and responsible for taking steps towards addressing this and your own mental health. If you still think you have ADD/ADHD, speak up. See above re: communicating authentically. Push back if you need to. Lay out the facts. Be persistent, but also listen and consider what your own mental health professional may be telling you.
If it suggested that you take medication, consider this seriously. Take into account your own health when doing so. For a personal account: medication changed my goddamn life. 50mg daily of lisdexamfetamine is the difference, for me personally, between happy and functional or feeling like sisyphus. For me, ADD also means I have a constant swirl of emotions and feel things just A LOT. The medication doesn't destroy or obscure my emotions, but it turns the choppy and swirling seas into a still and reflective pool. Ripples and gradients of emotion still exist, but I don't feel them as intensely or as obsessively anymore. Remember: your mileage may vary. I am not a medical professional. I am just a person who struggled for many years with undiagnosed ADD/ADHD, many more with trying to actually get tested, and who now feels like I'm just starting life as 'an adult' because I finally have the tools to help me be alive.
Good luck. (Feel free to message me if you need.)
posted by Vrai at 2:41 PM on March 26, 2018 [5 favorites]
1. Locate, download, and print one copy of the 'Diagnostic Interview for ADHD in adults (DIVA)'
2. Find a quiet place. Take a breath. Fill it out and answer every, single question honestly.
2a. Write in the margins and add factual details as they come.
3. Book an appointment with the relevant medical profesional in your area who is qualified to diagnose mental disorders in humans. If you cannot book with them directly, book with a general practitioner or equivalent who can refer you to a medical professional qualified to diagnose mental disorders in humans.
4. GO TO THIS APPOINTMENT. Tell them what you said in your post. Show them your completed DIVA. Show them the margins, if relevant. Be honest about your struggles. Go into detail, even when it's hard. Tell them every bit of research you've done, even as a result of receiving answers on this post. Tell them that the goal of your attendance at this appointment (or the second one, if that's where you are) is to be provided with an assessment for ADD/ADHD by a qualified medical professional. Tell them that you will accept nothing less. If they suggest CBT, entertain it if you wish, but insist that you want a qualified medical professional to oversee the completion of an assessment for ADD/ADHD. Stand your ground. Be brave. Be persistent.
5. Complete the assessment for ADD/ADHD provided to you by a medical professional. Work with them and be honest. If something doesn't feel accurate, speak up. This is your health and your body and your mind -- you are allowed to communicate about yourself authentically.
If you receive a diagnosis for ADD/ADHD, realise that this does not detract from your worth or value as a person. (In fact, sometimes I feel like I have superpowers when I can utilise my ADD mind.) You are not compelled to share your diagnosis with anyone in your life. (Unless you are compelled, like, legally. Obey your local laws.) There are loads of resources both fun and academic to give you more insight into how the ADD/ADHD mind function. You are still a valuable person. You are still worthy of success and happiness and love. You are still you.
If you do not receive a diagnosis for ADD/ADHD, persist in working with a mental health professional until you are given tools to successfully help you with the struggles that you're having. This could include an alternate, more fitting diagnosis. You haven't failed if you thought you had ADD/ADHD, but it turns out you didn't. You've clocked that something doesn't feel right in your life, and you are brave and responsible for taking steps towards addressing this and your own mental health. If you still think you have ADD/ADHD, speak up. See above re: communicating authentically. Push back if you need to. Lay out the facts. Be persistent, but also listen and consider what your own mental health professional may be telling you.
If it suggested that you take medication, consider this seriously. Take into account your own health when doing so. For a personal account: medication changed my goddamn life. 50mg daily of lisdexamfetamine is the difference, for me personally, between happy and functional or feeling like sisyphus. For me, ADD also means I have a constant swirl of emotions and feel things just A LOT. The medication doesn't destroy or obscure my emotions, but it turns the choppy and swirling seas into a still and reflective pool. Ripples and gradients of emotion still exist, but I don't feel them as intensely or as obsessively anymore. Remember: your mileage may vary. I am not a medical professional. I am just a person who struggled for many years with undiagnosed ADD/ADHD, many more with trying to actually get tested, and who now feels like I'm just starting life as 'an adult' because I finally have the tools to help me be alive.
Good luck. (Feel free to message me if you need.)
posted by Vrai at 2:41 PM on March 26, 2018 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
If you had physical impairment that prevented you from doing a chore, is that an excuse? No, it is a fact about your body that you both need to be aware of so you can make plans to mitigate it. This is the same type of issue. Even if it is not an impairment, it is a difference in how your brain works vs hers. It might take time for her to accept it and learn about it, so even if it seems like an excuse at first, her viewpoint might change over time.
A diagnosis like ADHD doesn't mean you are excused from all adult responsibilities, of course. Couples or group therapy might help you two navigate the new territory.
posted by soelo at 10:04 AM on March 26, 2018 [1 favorite]