Should we just end it, if 'it' ever even existed?
March 25, 2018 12:39 PM Subscribe
I don’t know if it’s me or I’m just attracted to wrong people. I am also not sure if this relationship has been a rebound for me after that terrible previous experience I still think about a lot.
Eight months ago, I met a guy on Grindr – it was supposed to be a hook up to be honest, but we liked each other and continued seeing each other few times a week. I was the one who wanted to make things more serious but he was more into taking things slow. He also figured that it wasn’t just about physical attraction though – we really have many similar interests, lots to talk about.
It went on for two months like that and I felt I wanted more, tried to express that but he was still not completely into it, stating that he might soon have to leave the country and that maybe we should keep thing as they were. That made me curious to say the least and I installed Grindr again. I found him there soon enough and we blamed it on ‘it was just chatting’, ‘we are not in a real relationship yet’, and so on. After that he lets himself emotionally and things seem great for a while.
My suspicions stayed though and I tried to see what happening two more times on Grinder – didn’t find him.
Than he leaves to another city for two weeks because his father had to have a surgery, and something made me check again. I thought I found him but he managed to persuade me that it wasn’t him. This left a really big scar because now he was angry too. We decided to keep the big decision for after his father gets better.
Few days ago, he went to another country for a seminar and (I know it sounds creepy) I managed to install Grindr on my laptop and to fake the gps location to that city. I tried several empty profiles and one of them made me think that it could be him. Communication went on for two days and in the end we arranged a sex date, and he sent me his pic. No need to tell you how that felt. I confronted him right away and his response was that he had planned it all from the beginning – that he knew it was me and that he had told me which hotel he would be in to test whether I was going to ‘stalk him’. He also said that he had given me a wrong room number and that he wasn’t even alone in the room (that it was a shared toom with a colleague). I was to angry to ask for a photo of the room number and the colleague and just called it quits.
He’s on his way back today. I texted him to arrange when and how to give him back his stuff and we inevitably started texting about that night too. Now he plays it all angry; I am now the bad guy because all I can think of is him cheating on me while he goes through a tough situation in his family… He insists that he had it all ready before the trip. To cut it short, we agreed we have to meet and talk face to face once we are ready.
Given that this is so recent, I am really having a hard time wrapping my mind around it. Is it even possible to try something after all of this? Is it even possible for either of us to try and bring trust back again (if we ever had it), or should we even try?
Thanks
Eight months ago, I met a guy on Grindr – it was supposed to be a hook up to be honest, but we liked each other and continued seeing each other few times a week. I was the one who wanted to make things more serious but he was more into taking things slow. He also figured that it wasn’t just about physical attraction though – we really have many similar interests, lots to talk about.
It went on for two months like that and I felt I wanted more, tried to express that but he was still not completely into it, stating that he might soon have to leave the country and that maybe we should keep thing as they were. That made me curious to say the least and I installed Grindr again. I found him there soon enough and we blamed it on ‘it was just chatting’, ‘we are not in a real relationship yet’, and so on. After that he lets himself emotionally and things seem great for a while.
My suspicions stayed though and I tried to see what happening two more times on Grinder – didn’t find him.
Than he leaves to another city for two weeks because his father had to have a surgery, and something made me check again. I thought I found him but he managed to persuade me that it wasn’t him. This left a really big scar because now he was angry too. We decided to keep the big decision for after his father gets better.
Few days ago, he went to another country for a seminar and (I know it sounds creepy) I managed to install Grindr on my laptop and to fake the gps location to that city. I tried several empty profiles and one of them made me think that it could be him. Communication went on for two days and in the end we arranged a sex date, and he sent me his pic. No need to tell you how that felt. I confronted him right away and his response was that he had planned it all from the beginning – that he knew it was me and that he had told me which hotel he would be in to test whether I was going to ‘stalk him’. He also said that he had given me a wrong room number and that he wasn’t even alone in the room (that it was a shared toom with a colleague). I was to angry to ask for a photo of the room number and the colleague and just called it quits.
He’s on his way back today. I texted him to arrange when and how to give him back his stuff and we inevitably started texting about that night too. Now he plays it all angry; I am now the bad guy because all I can think of is him cheating on me while he goes through a tough situation in his family… He insists that he had it all ready before the trip. To cut it short, we agreed we have to meet and talk face to face once we are ready.
Given that this is so recent, I am really having a hard time wrapping my mind around it. Is it even possible to try something after all of this? Is it even possible for either of us to try and bring trust back again (if we ever had it), or should we even try?
Thanks
There could be a long discussion about whether or not he did anything wrong and an equally long discussion about whether or not your expectations and behavior were reasonable, but the core issue is that the two of you don’t want the same things and no amount of litigating who’s at fault will change that.
End it with as much dignity as you can manage.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 12:57 PM on March 25, 2018 [8 favorites]
End it with as much dignity as you can manage.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 12:57 PM on March 25, 2018 [8 favorites]
If you're to the point where you're catfishing your boyfriend/hookup/whatever to see if he's having sex with other people, it's over.
posted by lunasol at 1:00 PM on March 25, 2018 [70 favorites]
posted by lunasol at 1:00 PM on March 25, 2018 [70 favorites]
Have him get his stuff from your friend's house or mail it at your expense via post. Never ever see or speak to him again.
He is a ginourmous lying liar who lies and No No No No No.
Also, block and go no contact.
posted by jbenben at 1:01 PM on March 25, 2018 [7 favorites]
He is a ginourmous lying liar who lies and No No No No No.
Also, block and go no contact.
posted by jbenben at 1:01 PM on March 25, 2018 [7 favorites]
You don't trust him. You very obviously don't trust him. It's over. This will only get nastier and more painful the longer it goes on.
Also, next time break up before you start doing creepy stuff. It sounds creepy because it is creepy.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 1:05 PM on March 25, 2018 [23 favorites]
Also, next time break up before you start doing creepy stuff. It sounds creepy because it is creepy.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 1:05 PM on March 25, 2018 [23 favorites]
Am I missing the part where he lied? As far as I can tell, he was honest all along that he didn’t want something serious. You don’t want the same things so end it, but I’m not seeing what he did wrong here.
posted by amro at 1:06 PM on March 25, 2018 [14 favorites]
posted by amro at 1:06 PM on March 25, 2018 [14 favorites]
And yeah, he probably is still sleeping around too while telling you that he's not. Neither of you come out of this looking great. Both of you need to develop a more mature approach to relationships before you try to be in one. But the only person you can control here is yourself.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 1:07 PM on March 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 1:07 PM on March 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
Drop this liar like a hot coal and don't look back. From now on when you're dating someone, if you want a relationship and the other person doesn't, don't bother waiting around for that to change or checking up on him, because your takeaway from this is that you'll just waste your time and get hurt.
posted by orange swan at 1:16 PM on March 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by orange swan at 1:16 PM on March 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you. Not that I am trying to make myself look clean here, but, amro, yes, after first time on Grindr he did said that he wanted a committed relationship. Just two weeks ago he was all about how painful it was that I didn't trust him and saw him as a liar and cheater -so panful that he decided to orchestrate the whole scene two days ago, which now he uses against me.
posted by Nnennoo at 1:29 PM on March 25, 2018
posted by Nnennoo at 1:29 PM on March 25, 2018
Erm. He did not orchestrate this scene. He was cheating and you caught him.
Go no contact. Get therapy. Stay far far away from this dumpster fire drama and stay safe.
(This is how you learnto trust your gut. You were suspicious and found proof. Next time just break up if you can't trust someone. Got it?)
posted by jbenben at 1:58 PM on March 25, 2018 [12 favorites]
Go no contact. Get therapy. Stay far far away from this dumpster fire drama and stay safe.
(This is how you learnto trust your gut. You were suspicious and found proof. Next time just break up if you can't trust someone. Got it?)
posted by jbenben at 1:58 PM on March 25, 2018 [12 favorites]
Yes, end this. I typically end it after a few months, when they don't want something monogamous. Definitely I'd end something if I felt the need to check if they were cheating.
Even if he wasn't, you don't feel secure and happy with him. You deserve to find someone that will be enthusiastically happy to be with you!
posted by Kalmya at 2:00 PM on March 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
Even if he wasn't, you don't feel secure and happy with him. You deserve to find someone that will be enthusiastically happy to be with you!
posted by Kalmya at 2:00 PM on March 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
It doesn't sound like you guys ever agreed to be exclusive, which means he didn't technically do anything wrong.
It is absolutely, unequivocally unhealthy to stalk/catfish someone while they are in another city supporting a sick family member. There is so much nope here I don't even know where to begin.
End this and get therapy, like, yesterday.
posted by Amy93 at 2:42 PM on March 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
It is absolutely, unequivocally unhealthy to stalk/catfish someone while they are in another city supporting a sick family member. There is so much nope here I don't even know where to begin.
End this and get therapy, like, yesterday.
posted by Amy93 at 2:42 PM on March 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
What exactly is there to talk about? He's immature and you're insecure. Neither of you actually seem happy and I think you should just let it go.
posted by sm1tten at 3:06 PM on March 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by sm1tten at 3:06 PM on March 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
No, you should not try to continue this relationship. Neither of you trusts the other. It sounds like you stopped trusting him first - if you ever did trust him - and your suspicions and consequent behaviour destroyed his trust in you (if he ever had any).
He has not behaved like a prince, but honestly, you can't do anything about that. The only person's behaviour you can change here is yours - and I recommend taking a long, hard look at yourself and ideally seeking therapy before you start dating with any kind of view to long-term commitment. You sound like you wanted him to be cheating on you. You didn't just accidentally pick up his phone and happen to see something that gave him away, you went to extreme lengths and deliberately tried to entrap him all to prove your suspicions were correct. You basically did your best to make them a reality. I'm not defending him here, but seriously. That is fucked. up.
Part of being in a committed relationship is trusting the person you are with. That actually requires you to trust them, not by setting up elaborate tests for them to prove themselves over and over again - the fact that you need to test them means you don't trust them - but by believing what they say and do. Is it scary as hell? You bet. Are you risking a lot of pain and hurt if it turns out they are lying? Absolutely. But your alternative is this, where you either drive away people before they have a chance to disappoint you or manipulate them into the behaviour you say you don't want.
posted by Athanassiel at 3:45 PM on March 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
He has not behaved like a prince, but honestly, you can't do anything about that. The only person's behaviour you can change here is yours - and I recommend taking a long, hard look at yourself and ideally seeking therapy before you start dating with any kind of view to long-term commitment. You sound like you wanted him to be cheating on you. You didn't just accidentally pick up his phone and happen to see something that gave him away, you went to extreme lengths and deliberately tried to entrap him all to prove your suspicions were correct. You basically did your best to make them a reality. I'm not defending him here, but seriously. That is fucked. up.
Part of being in a committed relationship is trusting the person you are with. That actually requires you to trust them, not by setting up elaborate tests for them to prove themselves over and over again - the fact that you need to test them means you don't trust them - but by believing what they say and do. Is it scary as hell? You bet. Are you risking a lot of pain and hurt if it turns out they are lying? Absolutely. But your alternative is this, where you either drive away people before they have a chance to disappoint you or manipulate them into the behaviour you say you don't want.
posted by Athanassiel at 3:45 PM on March 25, 2018 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I have ended it and will be taking a long long look at myself again. Two times in a row I allowed myself to become so insecure. It's very hard to put your trust in people especially in strange situations. The relationship before this one went brutal: I trusted what I was told, it was only that what I was told changed all the time, sometimes every day. Have you seen 10,000 km (Long Distance) by Carlos Marques-Marce? - almost scene by scene as my earlier relationship.
This time I really tried to trust again. At one point the guy was like, this is so easy with you, no drama and no too many questions - and when I started questioning things again .... Yes, I guess I do create drama myself and don't communicate things right once my trust gets shaky, and I always stay way too long.
Thank you all for your help
posted by Nnennoo at 6:27 PM on March 25, 2018
This time I really tried to trust again. At one point the guy was like, this is so easy with you, no drama and no too many questions - and when I started questioning things again .... Yes, I guess I do create drama myself and don't communicate things right once my trust gets shaky, and I always stay way too long.
Thank you all for your help
posted by Nnennoo at 6:27 PM on March 25, 2018
Yes, I guess I do create drama myself and don't communicate things right once my trust gets shaky, and I always stay way too long.
It sounds like you've been cheated on in your past two relationships, which will mess with your head in two ways.
1. It makes you insecure and untrusting
but at the same time:
2. it messes with your calibration of what a relationship "should" feel like, because you've now spent a fair amount of time in messed-up relationships. So now relationships in which you are cheated on feel simultaneously unpleasant and insecure, but also on some level, comfortable and normal.
It might be a good idea for you to take a break from dating for awhile, see a therapist if you can afford it (lots of therapists practice "sliding scale" meaning they find a price their patients can afford) or at least read some books about why you might be drawn to this kind of relationship. Good luck! Lots of people have this problem but it's totally a pattern you can break out of.
posted by mrmurbles at 9:41 PM on March 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you've been cheated on in your past two relationships, which will mess with your head in two ways.
1. It makes you insecure and untrusting
but at the same time:
2. it messes with your calibration of what a relationship "should" feel like, because you've now spent a fair amount of time in messed-up relationships. So now relationships in which you are cheated on feel simultaneously unpleasant and insecure, but also on some level, comfortable and normal.
It might be a good idea for you to take a break from dating for awhile, see a therapist if you can afford it (lots of therapists practice "sliding scale" meaning they find a price their patients can afford) or at least read some books about why you might be drawn to this kind of relationship. Good luck! Lots of people have this problem but it's totally a pattern you can break out of.
posted by mrmurbles at 9:41 PM on March 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Two times in a row I allowed myself to become so insecure.
No, sorry, this is wrong. Two times in a row, you ended up with a guy who made you insecure by behaving inconsistently and did not prioritise you or creating a safe, loving environment in which your relationship with them could thrive. You didn't "allow" anything, this is not on you (apart from the stalking which, wow you should have been out of there well before that).
You say up top "I don’t know if it’s me or I’m just attracted to wrong people." - IT IS THE LATTER my friend. Unfortunately, most of us who didn't find true love right out the gate have been through this phase of our lives and love lives. Hang in there, and if this keeps happening, get into therapy to find out why you feel compelled to date people who don't really value you or treat you nicely.
posted by greenish at 3:55 AM on March 26, 2018 [4 favorites]
No, sorry, this is wrong. Two times in a row, you ended up with a guy who made you insecure by behaving inconsistently and did not prioritise you or creating a safe, loving environment in which your relationship with them could thrive. You didn't "allow" anything, this is not on you (apart from the stalking which, wow you should have been out of there well before that).
You say up top "I don’t know if it’s me or I’m just attracted to wrong people." - IT IS THE LATTER my friend. Unfortunately, most of us who didn't find true love right out the gate have been through this phase of our lives and love lives. Hang in there, and if this keeps happening, get into therapy to find out why you feel compelled to date people who don't really value you or treat you nicely.
posted by greenish at 3:55 AM on March 26, 2018 [4 favorites]
You can't convince someone to want to be with you. If someone tells you're they're not ready for something, they're not ready for it - so your job then is either to be okay with what you have, or to get out so you can find someone who IS ready.
If they wanted you as much as you want them, they would tell you and show you, and you would not have to wait and wonder. The idea that another person can be "won over" to you is pure commercial rom-com - it's not a real thing. You can't talk someone around to loving or wanting you, or change their mind about wanting you, because their mind is not holding them back from wanting you - their heart is, or their body is. Those things can't be convinced or waited out.
That is one of the hardest things to learn about relationships. So to answer the question - yes, so far you are picking the wrong guys, because you are picking guys who don't value you as much as you value them.
Relationships are hard work once you are in them -- but dating should NOT be hard work. If you're working this hard before you're really even in a relationship, you are working too hard.
posted by invincible summer at 6:36 AM on March 26, 2018 [6 favorites]
If they wanted you as much as you want them, they would tell you and show you, and you would not have to wait and wonder. The idea that another person can be "won over" to you is pure commercial rom-com - it's not a real thing. You can't talk someone around to loving or wanting you, or change their mind about wanting you, because their mind is not holding them back from wanting you - their heart is, or their body is. Those things can't be convinced or waited out.
That is one of the hardest things to learn about relationships. So to answer the question - yes, so far you are picking the wrong guys, because you are picking guys who don't value you as much as you value them.
Relationships are hard work once you are in them -- but dating should NOT be hard work. If you're working this hard before you're really even in a relationship, you are working too hard.
posted by invincible summer at 6:36 AM on March 26, 2018 [6 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Threeve at 12:46 PM on March 25, 2018 [23 favorites]