How can I become less indecisive?
March 22, 2018 3:45 AM Subscribe
I'm the world's most indecisive person. This usually only applies to big decisions like jobs and which city to live in and whether to take opportunity A or B. I don't typically sweat small everyday decisions like what to wear that day or what to order for lunch. I hem and haw a short time, then I make the small decision and move on. How can I do the same with big decisions?
I realize big decisions deserve more thought than small ones. But I give them WAY too much thought to the point of overthinking and keeping myself up at night. Sometimes both option A and option B seem equally good and when that happens, I'm so torn. I feel like I've decided on A, then I start feeling regretful about what I'll miss out on by not choosing B. So then I think about choosing B, and I start feeling regretful about what I'll miss out on by not choosing A. And so on and so forth. I wish I didn't focus on the negatives of a decision (e.g. the things I'll miss out on by choosing one option or another). And I simply wish I could make decisions more easily, faster, and with less regret - pick one option then go for it without looking back.
Those of you who are able to do this, how?
I realize big decisions deserve more thought than small ones. But I give them WAY too much thought to the point of overthinking and keeping myself up at night. Sometimes both option A and option B seem equally good and when that happens, I'm so torn. I feel like I've decided on A, then I start feeling regretful about what I'll miss out on by not choosing B. So then I think about choosing B, and I start feeling regretful about what I'll miss out on by not choosing A. And so on and so forth. I wish I didn't focus on the negatives of a decision (e.g. the things I'll miss out on by choosing one option or another). And I simply wish I could make decisions more easily, faster, and with less regret - pick one option then go for it without looking back.
Those of you who are able to do this, how?
I can do this. I can make big decisions in moments and it's something I appreciate about myself. I am a big planner and thinker, yet when decisions need to be made, I can make them and move on.
Here's a couple of thought habits that help me.
1. I try options on, like imaginary costumes. I imagine myself having made decision A, and I see how that feels, how well it aligns with my desires. Then I put on option B, and see how that feels. I trust my gut to be a guide.
2. I refuse to regret. When I make a decision, I make it. I can always change my mind later to something else again, but I don't regret, at least not big-time regret. If regret creeps into my thinking I console myself that I might have been hit by a bus, or something equally drastic, had I taken the other option.
We only have so much control over our lives and some things just happen that we can't plan around. The more you self-reflect on your own wishes, desires and values, the better you know yourself, the easier it is to make big decisions.
posted by Thella at 4:27 AM on March 22, 2018 [8 favorites]
Here's a couple of thought habits that help me.
1. I try options on, like imaginary costumes. I imagine myself having made decision A, and I see how that feels, how well it aligns with my desires. Then I put on option B, and see how that feels. I trust my gut to be a guide.
2. I refuse to regret. When I make a decision, I make it. I can always change my mind later to something else again, but I don't regret, at least not big-time regret. If regret creeps into my thinking I console myself that I might have been hit by a bus, or something equally drastic, had I taken the other option.
We only have so much control over our lives and some things just happen that we can't plan around. The more you self-reflect on your own wishes, desires and values, the better you know yourself, the easier it is to make big decisions.
posted by Thella at 4:27 AM on March 22, 2018 [8 favorites]
Sometimes both option A and option B seem equally good and when that happens, I'm so torn... I simply wish I could make decisions more easily, faster, and with less regret - pick one option then go for it without looking back.
Those of you who are able to do this, how?
Structured coin flipping.
If you've given your options considerable thought, and sought advice, and talked them over with friends, and slept on it, and A and B still seem equally good, the most likely fact of the matter is that they are equally good.
That means you can't actually do better than picking either one at random.
So do pick one at random. Assign A to heads, B to tails and flip a coin.
Next, check your reaction to the choice made by the coin. If you feel more relief at having had the decision made for you than dismay at missing out on the unchosen option, then commit to the coin's decision.
If the dismay at missing out is stronger, reverse the coin's decision and commit to that reversal - even if you thereby find yourself feeling dismay at missing out on the option the coin originally picked and which you have now rejected.
You only get to do this check-and-switch part once, because allowing more than that means you're back in vacillation mode and you might as well not have bothered with the coin.
posted by flabdablet at 4:28 AM on March 22, 2018 [12 favorites]
Those of you who are able to do this, how?
Structured coin flipping.
If you've given your options considerable thought, and sought advice, and talked them over with friends, and slept on it, and A and B still seem equally good, the most likely fact of the matter is that they are equally good.
That means you can't actually do better than picking either one at random.
So do pick one at random. Assign A to heads, B to tails and flip a coin.
Next, check your reaction to the choice made by the coin. If you feel more relief at having had the decision made for you than dismay at missing out on the unchosen option, then commit to the coin's decision.
If the dismay at missing out is stronger, reverse the coin's decision and commit to that reversal - even if you thereby find yourself feeling dismay at missing out on the option the coin originally picked and which you have now rejected.
You only get to do this check-and-switch part once, because allowing more than that means you're back in vacillation mode and you might as well not have bothered with the coin.
posted by flabdablet at 4:28 AM on March 22, 2018 [12 favorites]
When I have trouble making decisions, it’s usually because I’m trying to figure out which option is best, and if one is best then the others must be wrong. But things don’t work like that. Usually the options are all approximately equally fine, or they’re too different to accurately measure. And even “best” choices are often full of drawbacks.
If you do the same, it might help to tell yourself “I have two equally good options to choose from” and take it from there. That can help reframe the question from “which one is better?” to “which one do I want more?” Which is often an easier question to ask.
Also, even big decisions generally don’t permanently close off all other options, unless you’re deciding to have children or something. If you’re imagining yourself at a fork in the road, imagine how those roads branch out a little ways down. Often, they cross each other, run alongside each other, reconverge, or loop back.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:40 AM on March 22, 2018 [9 favorites]
If you do the same, it might help to tell yourself “I have two equally good options to choose from” and take it from there. That can help reframe the question from “which one is better?” to “which one do I want more?” Which is often an easier question to ask.
Also, even big decisions generally don’t permanently close off all other options, unless you’re deciding to have children or something. If you’re imagining yourself at a fork in the road, imagine how those roads branch out a little ways down. Often, they cross each other, run alongside each other, reconverge, or loop back.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:40 AM on March 22, 2018 [9 favorites]
I agree with the above sentiment. Life is a journey and the turns you take are really just a short, small aspect. It's more about between the turns. Maybe it helps to realise there is no BEST choices in life. It's not a contest and no one will grade you for your choices. But it is what you do with that choice. So maybe the better choice is the one where you think you will live more authentically and honestly with yourself - not necessarily the one that will make your parents proud, or the one that people will be impressed with, or even the one that makes you more money - but the one that allows you to live your best version of you.
But generally speaking, it also depends on the choices at hand. Come back when you have to decide between A & B and we'll help you. :)
posted by like_neon at 5:14 AM on March 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
But generally speaking, it also depends on the choices at hand. Come back when you have to decide between A & B and we'll help you. :)
posted by like_neon at 5:14 AM on March 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
A friend of mine is fond of reminding me (and others) when we're having difficulty making a decision: The harder it is to decide, the less it matters which I choose. That is, it's never difficult to pick a winner when the winner is obvious. Difficult decisions usually are ones where there's a good balance of pros and cons on each side. They might be different pros and cons, but they're similar in scope and impact. Keeping this in mind has helped me take a deep breath, pick one, and move on. Maybe it will help you, too?
posted by spindrifter at 5:28 AM on March 22, 2018 [13 favorites]
posted by spindrifter at 5:28 AM on March 22, 2018 [13 favorites]
I think that turning the focus to the positives would indeed help. "Where do you want to live?" can have a gut-level response. It needn't be the most rational, well-considered response; gut choices often aren't. Where I want to live is very expensive with few jobs, basically none of which I'm suited for, and so it's not an actual practical choice I'd make. However, I can use it as my ideal off of which to judge how happy I'd be with any other location. If A and B are truly equally good places, I'd go with the one that's most similar to what I love about my Ideal Place, and trust that it's my Ideal for a reason. Yes, I could probably have a good and fulfilling life anywhere and who knows what might have come, et cetera... but yeah, maybe Thella's bus would have gotten me too, who knows. No way to know what's most likely, so might as well pick the place that I'll probably be baseline-happiest. And if I hate it, that's hardly the end of the world; I'll find somewhere else and try again.
posted by teremala at 5:34 AM on March 22, 2018
posted by teremala at 5:34 AM on March 22, 2018
What helps me is reminding myself that few things are completely permanent. I end up hating City A? Good thing I also made a plan about how to move to City B if that happened!
So rather than worrying about the regret/what if, perhaps just write up a quick backup/escape plan to set your fears at ease and then move on, comfortable in the knowledge that if you chose "wrong" you know what to do next?
posted by TwoStride at 5:43 AM on March 22, 2018
So rather than worrying about the regret/what if, perhaps just write up a quick backup/escape plan to set your fears at ease and then move on, comfortable in the knowledge that if you chose "wrong" you know what to do next?
posted by TwoStride at 5:43 AM on March 22, 2018
Not to get to Zen on you, although Buddhism might help, a lot of pain comes from trying to choose between choices, or suffering because you want things to be different. There’s so much to enjoy in many choices. This might be more about learning to focus on the small pleasures of where you are, rather than trying to control your destiny in a grand scheme.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:08 AM on March 22, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 6:08 AM on March 22, 2018 [7 favorites]
I often use a slight variant to flabdablet's method in that I do use coin flips to make decisions that are either so unimportant I really don't care or where the options seem equally attractive. Sometimes I'm not happy with the flip, so I check to see if there's something I missed that gives a rational basis not to take that option and if that couple minutes' rethink changes nothing, I just make it the best 3 of 5 and that's that.
I used to do eeny meeny miney mo, but that is far too easily influenced consciously or otherwise and I prefer a random result, not a subconscious decision. These days there's little excuse for non-randomness since Google (and therefore most Android phones) will make the coin flip for you if you ask, so lacking coinage is never an excuse. ;)
posted by wierdo at 6:29 AM on March 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I used to do eeny meeny miney mo, but that is far too easily influenced consciously or otherwise and I prefer a random result, not a subconscious decision. These days there's little excuse for non-randomness since Google (and therefore most Android phones) will make the coin flip for you if you ask, so lacking coinage is never an excuse. ;)
posted by wierdo at 6:29 AM on March 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I found this TED Talk on making hard choices via Metafilter, I'm pretty sure, and it gets at some of the same issues as above. Hard choices are hard because there are so many aspects to ruminate on. My husband is big on satisficing, and his attitude combined with my own conscious choice to mourn the good in the other choices (ie, recognize that it's ok to feel badly about what I'm missing out on by not doing the other thing, and that it doesn't mean I need to change my mind) have both helped me get better at making hard decisions, and more importantly, living with them.
posted by ldthomps at 6:54 AM on March 22, 2018
posted by ldthomps at 6:54 AM on March 22, 2018
Two steps that I do that you don't describe as part of your process: I compare the regrets, and I make a list of my top 2-5 priorities to make sure I'm not giving equal weight to something that is actually a pretty serious Quality of Life issue. So in your example of choosing cities to live in, I hate extreme weather and I don't shovel anything so if my choices were Boston, Houston, or Los Angeles it's going to be LA even if Boston or Houston "win" in some other columns. They'd have to win hugely to even stay in the running.
The other thing is choosing my regrets. Obviously, if the potential regret is something like "there's fun things to do in both places!" you just have to give that a weight of 0, that's likely going to be true in any choice. I also make sure that these regrets are legitimate and not one of those "for the person I wish I was, not the person I am", like easy access to snowskiing does sound pretty cool, only I'm a middle-aged fat woman with a cranky back who hasn't skiied in 30 years. Given a choice between regretting the weather and regretting one specialized entertainment option, I'll choose to regret the latter. As others have said, regrets are part of life. Stuff happens, context changes, you can't know for sure or control 100% how any choice is going to play out.
Another technique is to pretend you're advising a friend on this choice. This tends to strip away a lot of those aspirational concerns - you know your friend, flaws and all, and you want them to be happy and successful.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:28 AM on March 22, 2018
The other thing is choosing my regrets. Obviously, if the potential regret is something like "there's fun things to do in both places!" you just have to give that a weight of 0, that's likely going to be true in any choice. I also make sure that these regrets are legitimate and not one of those "for the person I wish I was, not the person I am", like easy access to snowskiing does sound pretty cool, only I'm a middle-aged fat woman with a cranky back who hasn't skiied in 30 years. Given a choice between regretting the weather and regretting one specialized entertainment option, I'll choose to regret the latter. As others have said, regrets are part of life. Stuff happens, context changes, you can't know for sure or control 100% how any choice is going to play out.
Another technique is to pretend you're advising a friend on this choice. This tends to strip away a lot of those aspirational concerns - you know your friend, flaws and all, and you want them to be happy and successful.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:28 AM on March 22, 2018
Either way you will have regrets; either way you will have benefits. Most likely, you now have no way of anticipating what these regrets and benefits may be. You will most likely not remember any of the concerns you have today. You will be fine.
posted by Gnella at 7:42 AM on March 22, 2018
posted by Gnella at 7:42 AM on March 22, 2018
Similar to Thella's reply, visualization is hugely helpful when I'm making a big decision. It lets me understand the daily implications of my decision.
Also, I loved the book Designing Your Life, and two takeaways related to my understanding of making big decisions. One is that you should prototype major life changes to see if they are right for you. For example, spend a week in an apartment in a city you're considering and see if you like it. The second is the idea that a branch in life is not a commitment. You can always change course if it doesn't feel right, or you may find that your options are not mutually exclusive. As an example, they mentioned a young man who had trouble deciding between internships, so he just did them all back to back.
posted by beyond_pink at 8:23 AM on March 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Also, I loved the book Designing Your Life, and two takeaways related to my understanding of making big decisions. One is that you should prototype major life changes to see if they are right for you. For example, spend a week in an apartment in a city you're considering and see if you like it. The second is the idea that a branch in life is not a commitment. You can always change course if it doesn't feel right, or you may find that your options are not mutually exclusive. As an example, they mentioned a young man who had trouble deciding between internships, so he just did them all back to back.
posted by beyond_pink at 8:23 AM on March 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I am like you.
The method that changed my life a little was flipping a coin. Except, the point is not to do whatever the coin says, but to notice your emotional reaction to which side the coin landed on. I did this when I was hemming and hawing about whether or not to move from the west coast back to the east coast, and when that coin landed on "stay on the west coast" and I felt dread, I knew what I had to do.
posted by Automocar at 8:37 AM on March 22, 2018
The method that changed my life a little was flipping a coin. Except, the point is not to do whatever the coin says, but to notice your emotional reaction to which side the coin landed on. I did this when I was hemming and hawing about whether or not to move from the west coast back to the east coast, and when that coin landed on "stay on the west coast" and I felt dread, I knew what I had to do.
posted by Automocar at 8:37 AM on March 22, 2018
I have trouble deciding because I want to make the RIGHT decision. I tend to think about the pluses and minuses of every option. But what actually helps me is asking myself, "Which way would I rather be wrong? That is, I try assuming that I'm going to get a bad result no matter what I choose, and ask, "Which bad result is preferable?
This doesn't always help, but it's good to have in my arsenal along with the tips given by others here.
posted by wryly at 10:33 AM on March 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
This doesn't always help, but it's good to have in my arsenal along with the tips given by others here.
posted by wryly at 10:33 AM on March 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
It looks like a huge immediate decision: A or B? But at any point in time - now, but also past and future - there's always an ongoing decision: do I keep doing A? The more self-image you have invested in the idea of "I don't make mistakes" the harder any decision will be. The more I let go of that, and picked up "I am really good at fixing things, and I know how to change a situation until I land somewhere I like" the easier time I've had with major choices, and the happier I've been with my decisions.
Any bad decision is fixable. What if I chose option A and then I turned out to really hate it? In most decision scenarios, the fact that I currently have a choice bodes well for my ability to have a choice in future. Just because I choose A now doesn't mean I can't bail on it if I decide it's not working. As an example, I might be deciding between job A and job B, and I don't mean that if it turns out I hate job A, job B is still an option; I mean that I've just demonstrated my ability to send out resumes and land a job offer, so I can do that again, job A is not my last chance at happiness. Often the biggest contributor to the sunk cost fallacy is the fact that I used to think this was what I wanted - so I'm giving myself permission to admit I was wrong.
posted by aimedwander at 2:34 PM on March 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Any bad decision is fixable. What if I chose option A and then I turned out to really hate it? In most decision scenarios, the fact that I currently have a choice bodes well for my ability to have a choice in future. Just because I choose A now doesn't mean I can't bail on it if I decide it's not working. As an example, I might be deciding between job A and job B, and I don't mean that if it turns out I hate job A, job B is still an option; I mean that I've just demonstrated my ability to send out resumes and land a job offer, so I can do that again, job A is not my last chance at happiness. Often the biggest contributor to the sunk cost fallacy is the fact that I used to think this was what I wanted - so I'm giving myself permission to admit I was wrong.
posted by aimedwander at 2:34 PM on March 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I used to be like you. Then I looked back onto my life and realized that I don't regret any of the major decisions I ever made. I don't think it's because I always made the right choice. Rather, it is probably because if two options are equally desirable, choosing either one should work out fine. Try not to think too much about the future. There are no good ways to predict long-term consequences. Pick whatever you think you prefer now and remember that most decisions can be reversed. Don't like where you live? Move. Bad job? Quit. Bad marriage? Divorce. You won't be where you started, but you will have other options.
posted by auctor at 10:45 AM on March 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by auctor at 10:45 AM on March 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
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