Strategies for listening to long insufferable speech?

March 19, 2018 8:38 AM

I am obliged for reasons to attend a talk that will be unpleasant. How do I pass the time?

I don't need to retain information on the talk, I just need to be present. I can't visually be checking out, so no cellphone, books, magazines, laptop computers, ipods. Probably the only acceptable thing I could have is a pen and notebook for "notes."
How to entertain myself? www
I know this person and am sure it will not be pleasant. It will last about an hour unless speaker decides he doesn't need to keep to a schedule (possible).
Thank you!

posted by sacchan to Grab Bag (32 answers total)

Best answer: Insufferable Bingo! Make a bingo card with all the bullshit words, hackneyed ideas and thought-terminating cliches this person will employ, then check ‘em off!
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 8:43 AM on March 19, 2018 [25 favorites]

Along the same lines as the first comment: if the speaker has verbal tics. or tends to rely on specific cliches, or overuse particular words or phrases, then keep tallies of them all.
posted by misteraitch at 8:46 AM on March 19, 2018 [2 favorites]

With a pen and notepad, you could...
- doodle
- take notes on to-dos or a category of to-dos (like menu planning for the week, or planning out a specific project)
- write haiku (bonus points: use words of the speech as inspiration)

Without a pen and notepad, you could...
- daydream! What would you do if you won the lottery? Where would you most like to travel? What's an absorbing project you're working on? Let your imagination go free.
- do some kind of meditation -- counting breaths is easy and doesn't require closed eyes (count each breath up to five then start again; if that's too easy, count each breath up to 10 before starting again).
- play with a spinner ring or another fidgety, inconspicuous object (watch, etc.)
posted by ourobouros at 8:47 AM on March 19, 2018 [7 favorites]

I'd bring a notebook, mentally check out and just use the time you need to be a butt in a seat to plan out something you need to do or want to think about. Looks like you're taking notes, but your mind is elsewhere.
posted by Making You Bored For Science at 8:50 AM on March 19, 2018 [10 favorites]

Copy a few Sudoku grids into your notebook before the meeting.
posted by JoeZydeco at 8:52 AM on March 19, 2018 [7 favorites]

I used to play a form of Catchphrase Bingo with several colleagues, in a previous position where we were required to attend many terrible meetings that were actually terrible terrible bloviating self-aggrandizing lectures. We knew the speaker's habits well enough that we had a selected set of overused catchphrases, and we would draw them from a hat. During the bloviation, we counted the occurrences of all catchphrases, and then the one of us who won bought baklava for the others afterward.

It was nice because it gave us something to concentrate on, which meant we looked attentive; but our concentration could be entirely divorced from meaning, being purely numerical. And we all liked baklava.
posted by theatro at 8:53 AM on March 19, 2018 [16 favorites]

I come up and plan projects and things I want to do in the future when I have time. lately that's looked like 1) organizing a talk on affordable housing, 2) setting up an eye exam, and such, along with details, complications, etc that I can think of, ways of getting around them, and so on

in the same vein, I also try to keep a running list of people I haven't talked to in a while to remind myself to keep in touch. I try to remember what the heck is even going on their lives the last time we talked and also recalling good experiences we've shared so I deepen my commitment to contacting them

less productive things include fleshing out theses and ideas that I'm working on and developing arguments for them. this is in pursuit of one day having enough material to keep up a blog for a substantial period of time so ymmv

it sounds exhausting but it's actually kind of invigorating - saves you from having to do the emotional labor of delineating time for planning later. instead, you're doing the labor now which effectively avoids having to do the labor of needing to sit through a terrible speaker. think of it as productive procrastination :)
posted by runt at 9:01 AM on March 19, 2018 [2 favorites]

With a pen and notepad, I recommend writing down the plots of a books or movies you enjoy or song lyrics.
posted by mskyle at 9:01 AM on March 19, 2018 [2 favorites]

I would use the time, pen, and notebook to write letters to people you care about.
posted by _Mona_ at 9:13 AM on March 19, 2018 [7 favorites]

Here's what I do sometimes, esp without a notepad:

- Try to think of my earliest memories and put them in order up to adulthood
- Think of a map of the US and put all the states in (also works with countries on a globe)
- Look at other people, what they're wearing, what they're doing, and come up with elaborate background stories about them
- Count wall panels and ceiling tiles
- Count verbal tics of the speaker
- Count physical habits of the speaker (like crossing arms, touching hair, touching face, etc.)
- Make a grocery list or a to-do list
- Plan out a home improvement projects
- Pretend to be a sound mixer and hone in on all the other sounds in the room, like someone's pen scratching or someone sniffling, or the clock ticking.
posted by mochapickle at 9:16 AM on March 19, 2018 [8 favorites]

In these kinds of situations, I find it helpful to write down the very wrong or stupid things that are said, and then detail exactly why they are wrong or stupid, and what should have been said instead. But then, I go see movies I'm pretty sure I'll hate as long as I think I'll hate it for interesting reasons I can think about for a while.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 9:20 AM on March 19, 2018 [6 favorites]

I pick a long-ish word from the talk and list out all the words I can make from those letters.

Syndication: candy/annoy/ionic/scat/etc
posted by OrangeVelour at 9:24 AM on March 19, 2018 [8 favorites]

All of the above suggestions, plus discreet ear plugs. Possible?
posted by BostonTerrier at 9:31 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

This is how I plan dinner parties! The guests, the menu, the lighting, the table setting. I can go waaaaaaay into it with an attentive look on my face.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:45 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

I like to write out a Vigenère square and then write encoded messages with the keyword "stupid" or something. Also, I calculate series of numbers - 2^n (so just multiply 2x2, then that x2, then...), large Pascal's triangles, etc.
posted by quadrilaterals at 9:50 AM on March 19, 2018 [3 favorites]

Oh, also I will write out the alphabet and then come up with words that fit a specific criteria for each letter. Examples: three syllable adjectives, names of kids I went to high school with, world cities that aren't capitals, etc.

I also like to create my own sudoku grids - they're quite easy to set up. Not as challenging as copying one down, though.
posted by quadrilaterals at 9:50 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

I've used interminable meetings where I don't need to pay particular attention to practice my cursive handwriting and teach myself to count on my fingers in binary. (The latter probably requires that the seating setup have a table or something that you can hide your hands behind/underneath, though.)
posted by firechicago at 9:51 AM on March 19, 2018

i would use this 'gift of time' to do time management activities.

what does your week/month/season look like in terms of events, reports, projects, travel?
what friends/associates/colleagues should you get back in touch with, this month?
whose birthday is coming up?
mentally review your wardrobe--what clothes should you shop for soon?
mentally review your house or apartment from a project standpoint...take some questions from Apartment Therapy to ponder.
plan out the MetaFilter post of your dreams.
posted by calgirl at 9:53 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

If it's a big enough room, I'd sit on one end, put in one wireless earbud facing away from the crowd and listen to a podcast or audio book. I'd bring a notepad and pen to make it look like I'm listening.
posted by cnc at 9:54 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

I needed to do this recently, without benefit of pen and paper or visible props.

I ran through song lyrics to long songs in my head, then ran them backwards by verse (ie picturing myself singing the verses, starting from the last one and working my way backwards to the beginning verse)
posted by twoplussix at 10:01 AM on March 19, 2018

I have a recurring weekly thing I have to sit through and I've been using it to memorize poetry by writing the poem out, looking like I'm taking notes. You'd need a copy of the poem there to crib from, though, and if your memory is better than mine it would be a very limited diversion.
posted by Smearcase at 10:06 AM on March 19, 2018 [2 favorites]

I, too, keep a running tally of tics I've noticed, and I write fiction. The only thing that comes through the story I'm writing is whatever tic I'm monitoring. Works.

If no notebook, square breathing (inhale for a count of three, hold for a count of three, exhale for three, hold for three, repeat) while writing the fiction and keeping the tic tally in my head.
posted by Don Pepino at 10:35 AM on March 19, 2018

I have a Fidgi Pen which makes meetings a whole lot easier to get through.
posted by Lexica at 10:36 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

Peoplewatching! Examining others in the audience and formulating highly hypothetical Sherlock Holmes-esque deductions about their lives, the more elaborate the better.

This is how I got through the Billy Graham event that I was compelled to attend, for reasons I no longer remember.
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 10:40 AM on March 19, 2018

Can you sneak a smartphone/paper book into your notebook?
posted by brujita at 11:13 AM on March 19, 2018

Do your Christmas list, or think of what you want to get people for the next few birthdays that you have coming up.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 11:16 AM on March 19, 2018

I like to do as Bored for Science noted above and use my notepad to plan out things I actually need to do. However, I find that the person next to me almost always leans over and reads what I am writing. People are nosy! Or maybe they are just impressed that I seem to be taking notes.

In these cases, I like to mentally tell myself the story, in great detail, of a book I love. I pretend that I'm on a desert island with another person, and our only entertainment is retelling stories we've read (or movies). Very satisifying.
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:24 AM on March 19, 2018

This works only if you know a second language. Take notes in that second language, translating the speech as you hear it. I used to do this in fundie church, which required attendance of sermons several a week. Doodling, bingo etc would have been noticed, and on occasion we were even asked to the notes.
My English was quite unsophisticated when I started doing this but improved a great deal through this excercise.
posted by 15L06 at 1:37 PM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

Wireless ear buds and podcasts? An iPad with stylus in your notebook, so that flipping pages on your Kindle app kinda looks like taking notes?
posted by rpfields at 3:00 PM on March 19, 2018

The 4 fours math puzzle got me through a lot of meetings in the 90s—carried the same dog-eared piece of paper to countless meetings, adding to the list.
posted by she's not there at 4:01 PM on March 19, 2018 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Ahhh, it's over and it really was terrible! Double bingo!!
Along with bingo I was planning to go over what I want to do for my day off tomorrow and maybe write out the plot of a movie I like, but the content was so offensive I couldn't concentrate on anything else so spent the time writing down especially terrible statements.
Phew. Thanks everybody for all the great ideas!
posted by sacchan at 8:17 PM on March 19, 2018

During biannual state-of-the-company briefings, I bring a pen and notebook and write fanfiction. I usually get quite an impressive word count. (I am aided in this because I'm writing in a language most people in the company don't speak, and my handwriting is appalling anyway.)
Write a story, make up an imaginary country and describe its exports, imports, historical events, and popular sports, choose somebody at random from the people around you (ideally someone you don't know) and invent their family tree and the house they live in, give a play-by-play of a game in your favorite sport (either a real game or an imaginary one), write down all the song lyrics or poems you know by heart, draw pictures (if, unlike me, you can actually do this), write a letter/email (to be transcribed later) to a friend or family member, make up a recipe...
posted by huimangm at 8:22 PM on March 19, 2018