Have I been dating a couple?
March 17, 2018 11:08 PM Subscribe
I've been friends with a couple for about 4 months and I thought we were just friends, but I received a text from them today saying that they would like to discuss relationships when we see each other next.
I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I've been enjoying spending time with them but I have no interest in a poly relationship. I'm planning a polite "no thank you" but I can't help feeling a bit like they have been dating me without my knowledge all this time.
I have trouble trusting people in general, so I want to make sure I am not just jumping to negative conclusions here.
I'd like to continue being friends with them if they can take no for an answer, but can't shake the feeling that things will be different now and I've been a bit used. What do you think?
I've been enjoying spending time with them but I have no interest in a poly relationship. I'm planning a polite "no thank you" but I can't help feeling a bit like they have been dating me without my knowledge all this time.
I have trouble trusting people in general, so I want to make sure I am not just jumping to negative conclusions here.
I'd like to continue being friends with them if they can take no for an answer, but can't shake the feeling that things will be different now and I've been a bit used. What do you think?
Did the text just say they want to talk about "relationships"? Because that could mean a lot of things, including a breakup on their end (some people try to formally navigate post-breakup friendships with mutual friends), or something else. I have a far number of poly friends and I don't even think it would occur to me--without other indications or wording--that such a text might mean they wanted to date me.
posted by wintersweet at 11:21 PM on March 17, 2018 [45 favorites]
posted by wintersweet at 11:21 PM on March 17, 2018 [45 favorites]
To me, this could be two things: (1) your interpretation— they have been interested and quietly getting ready to make a move, or (2) they have recently realized they ARE interested and they want to see if you are too. In either case, of course, you have no obligation even to maintain the friendship, let alone to explore the new space— but I don’t think it is necessarily true that they have always considered or behaved towards you as a romantic partner.
posted by peppercorn at 11:24 PM on March 17, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by peppercorn at 11:24 PM on March 17, 2018 [6 favorites]
I received a text from them today saying that they would like to discuss relationships when we see each other next. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
That will be because text is so the wrong medium for this kind of message. Text is for reminding somebody to pick up some milk, not for conversations with any actual or potential emotional heft.
My best advice is to delete that text, behave as if you never received it, and then allow your next face-to-face conversation to unfold as it will, secure in the knowledge that now you can hear tone of voice and see body language and get an actual handle on wtf is going on here. Because as things stand at present you haven't got a hope of figuring that out. In particular, any attempt to do so via text is overwhelmingly likely not to end well.
posted by flabdablet at 11:33 PM on March 17, 2018 [61 favorites]
That will be because text is so the wrong medium for this kind of message. Text is for reminding somebody to pick up some milk, not for conversations with any actual or potential emotional heft.
My best advice is to delete that text, behave as if you never received it, and then allow your next face-to-face conversation to unfold as it will, secure in the knowledge that now you can hear tone of voice and see body language and get an actual handle on wtf is going on here. Because as things stand at present you haven't got a hope of figuring that out. In particular, any attempt to do so via text is overwhelmingly likely not to end well.
posted by flabdablet at 11:33 PM on March 17, 2018 [61 favorites]
Sounds like what you thought was friendship was four months of creepy ulterior motives on their part.
I agree with a “Nope. No thanks” text.
posted by blueberry at 12:20 AM on March 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
I agree with a “Nope. No thanks” text.
posted by blueberry at 12:20 AM on March 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
I very much doubt that they have been dating you, in their minds. I could see them enjoying your company enough to offer you the chance to be in some sort of poly/open relationship with one or more of them. If they do offer that, a polite "no thanks" should ideally be enough to keep things as they are... Probably.
But jumping to "a bit used" and it's potentially friendship ending seems a bit much. If they like, trust and respect you enough to offer more intimacy, this is a good thing! Poly people probably understand that poly just isn't for everyone and that your mono feelings are just as valid.
I can also picture a variety of other scenario, ranging from "we're breaking up" to "would you be godparent to our upcoming kid" to "my single, mono sister is really interested"
posted by Jacen at 12:29 AM on March 18, 2018 [88 favorites]
But jumping to "a bit used" and it's potentially friendship ending seems a bit much. If they like, trust and respect you enough to offer more intimacy, this is a good thing! Poly people probably understand that poly just isn't for everyone and that your mono feelings are just as valid.
I can also picture a variety of other scenario, ranging from "we're breaking up" to "would you be godparent to our upcoming kid" to "my single, mono sister is really interested"
posted by Jacen at 12:29 AM on March 18, 2018 [88 favorites]
I don’t think you were used but I do think life is too short to have a sit-down “let’s talk” talk with anyone who isn’t your romantic partner or the IRS.
posted by ftm at 12:33 AM on March 18, 2018 [14 favorites]
posted by ftm at 12:33 AM on March 18, 2018 [14 favorites]
I had some friends I was very close with who one evening spontaneously invited me to become more than just friends with them. I said "You know, I'm going to put up a little boundary there." They accepted my choice and respected my boundary and it was not weird at all after that.
I think it's a little weird and off-putting that they lobbed an ambiguity grenade at you, but I'd advise you to shrug it off until they fill you in on what they meant, then decide how to react. It could be something totally benign wrapped up in bad communication, or it could be completely sketchy. There's no point in locking into an interpretation that makes you feel the worst until you actually have something to go on.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 12:55 AM on March 18, 2018 [24 favorites]
I think it's a little weird and off-putting that they lobbed an ambiguity grenade at you, but I'd advise you to shrug it off until they fill you in on what they meant, then decide how to react. It could be something totally benign wrapped up in bad communication, or it could be completely sketchy. There's no point in locking into an interpretation that makes you feel the worst until you actually have something to go on.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 12:55 AM on March 18, 2018 [24 favorites]
I feel like if they were trying to date you or otherwise using you for anything beyond friendship up until now that you would have known. In my experience couples who have open or poly relationships are *extremely* up-front about this, not just to people they're interested in romantically but to friends as well, so as to lessen confusion and miscommunication. The exception would be if you've expressed socially conservative views or come from a very formal part of their lives - like if you're a work friend turned regular friend and your workplace is very formal and repressed, or you're a church friend who they've only seen during church events. Couples who are poly but haven't yet learned the lesson to be really clear and straightforward with their intentions from the beginning are likely to not have the experience to have the *forethought* to be duplicitous towards you in this way.
That's a super weird text to get and I don't think it indicated much of anything. I deal with a lot of anxiety so believe me, I get it and how totally offputting this is for you, but if at all possible I suggest asking for clarification.
posted by Mizu at 1:18 AM on March 18, 2018 [10 favorites]
That's a super weird text to get and I don't think it indicated much of anything. I deal with a lot of anxiety so believe me, I get it and how totally offputting this is for you, but if at all possible I suggest asking for clarification.
posted by Mizu at 1:18 AM on March 18, 2018 [10 favorites]
Used? If every friendship that ended in a date request was using someone, we'd all be broken husks. Say no and see what happens. That's the only proof of pudding here. All else — speculation.
PS: I dated in triad once; my best friend (no bullshit) was my lover in a separate twist; and after I dumped her cute soon-to-be-bestie ass I hooked her up with one of the tripod legs from my sweet lil' recently dissolved triangle. A & B have been together three years now. We all eat Sunday brunch and I have a key and walk-in privileges to their house. Good folks are good folks. There's only drama if someone brings it.
posted by fritillary at 1:24 AM on March 18, 2018 [19 favorites]
PS: I dated in triad once; my best friend (no bullshit) was my lover in a separate twist; and after I dumped her cute soon-to-be-bestie ass I hooked her up with one of the tripod legs from my sweet lil' recently dissolved triangle. A & B have been together three years now. We all eat Sunday brunch and I have a key and walk-in privileges to their house. Good folks are good folks. There's only drama if someone brings it.
posted by fritillary at 1:24 AM on March 18, 2018 [19 favorites]
I think you might be conflating two things: “will things be weird going forward” and “have they had ulterior motives all along.”
The first question could play out a variety of ways depending how this conversation goes, but it does seem like a reasonable thing to worry about if you’re right about what they want to talk about,
But on the second part, I think you may be jumping to unwarranted conclusions. Let’s assume you’re right and one or both of them wants to date you. It doesn’t necessarily follow that they’ve been setting you up for months! It’s super common, for poly and monogamous folks alike, for a growing friendship to eventually turn into a crush. It seems very possible that you’ve all had the friendship you thought you had, but recently one or both of them has been developing crush feelings, and they want to know if you also have the crush feelings. There doesn’t need to be any ulterior motive about it. I think that’s where, if I were you, I’d try to not pre-judge until after you talk with them, and then see what your read on the situation is, with more facts under your belt.
posted by Stacey at 4:21 AM on March 18, 2018 [9 favorites]
The first question could play out a variety of ways depending how this conversation goes, but it does seem like a reasonable thing to worry about if you’re right about what they want to talk about,
But on the second part, I think you may be jumping to unwarranted conclusions. Let’s assume you’re right and one or both of them wants to date you. It doesn’t necessarily follow that they’ve been setting you up for months! It’s super common, for poly and monogamous folks alike, for a growing friendship to eventually turn into a crush. It seems very possible that you’ve all had the friendship you thought you had, but recently one or both of them has been developing crush feelings, and they want to know if you also have the crush feelings. There doesn’t need to be any ulterior motive about it. I think that’s where, if I were you, I’d try to not pre-judge until after you talk with them, and then see what your read on the situation is, with more facts under your belt.
posted by Stacey at 4:21 AM on March 18, 2018 [9 favorites]
A lot of people here are assuming your assumption is correct. Uhhh.
I don't understand the impulse to pre-analyze an event that hasn't happened, and that may never happen, and make decisions about how you feel about one possible outcome. You have no idea what this conversation will be about. And even if you are correct, a friend or friends who discover an attraction to you doesn't mean you've been dating; it may mean asking if you'd like to date?
posted by DarlingBri at 4:40 AM on March 18, 2018 [42 favorites]
I don't understand the impulse to pre-analyze an event that hasn't happened, and that may never happen, and make decisions about how you feel about one possible outcome. You have no idea what this conversation will be about. And even if you are correct, a friend or friends who discover an attraction to you doesn't mean you've been dating; it may mean asking if you'd like to date?
posted by DarlingBri at 4:40 AM on March 18, 2018 [42 favorites]
Definitely agree with the others saying not to assume intent from one word (ie ‘relationships’) in a text. Or even from an entire text. This is exactly how giant huge miscommunications happen. Next time you see them, just ask them what was up with that text they sent? It could be anything from a weird autocorrect to them telling you about their relationship, or them breaking up with you, or the poly ask, or them wondering if you’d feel comfortable taking care of their pets while they go out of town, or any number of other unguessable things. If you don’t want to wait to see them in person then at least ask for more clarification. Preferably not via text.
posted by cgg at 5:32 AM on March 18, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by cgg at 5:32 AM on March 18, 2018 [15 favorites]
I would be inclined to distance myself from anyone who sent me a weird and ambiguous text of this nature or, honestly, even a "We need to talk" text, because as someone pointed out above, text is not the right medium for this kind of communication. If you need to talk to me about something, then just talk to me when we meet again; don't send me some weird portentous text or I will think you are a drama-monger.
I am sure there are people here who would disagree with me and that's fine, but it won't change the fact that this is not the type of communication or relationship I want in my life--my point being, it's okay for you to set parameters for the kind of relationships you want regardless of what anyone else thinks.
Although I just said that this isn't the right medium for this type of communication, if I got a text like this, I'd text back right away and ask what they mean by that. Because it's a weird thing to say and I would be annoyed at receiving it and want a clarification sooner rather than later.
posted by tiger tiger at 5:39 AM on March 18, 2018 [10 favorites]
I am sure there are people here who would disagree with me and that's fine, but it won't change the fact that this is not the type of communication or relationship I want in my life--my point being, it's okay for you to set parameters for the kind of relationships you want regardless of what anyone else thinks.
Although I just said that this isn't the right medium for this type of communication, if I got a text like this, I'd text back right away and ask what they mean by that. Because it's a weird thing to say and I would be annoyed at receiving it and want a clarification sooner rather than later.
posted by tiger tiger at 5:39 AM on March 18, 2018 [10 favorites]
Jeeze. Pick up the phone. DIAL IT. Talk to someone. Clear it up. Either it's a misunderstanding, or it's just plain weird. After the discussion, decide your next move based on the conversation. NO TEXTING ALLOWED :)
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 6:54 AM on March 18, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 6:54 AM on March 18, 2018 [15 favorites]
In my opinion, you have not provided enough detail for us to provide useful advice.
posted by Kwine at 7:08 AM on March 18, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by Kwine at 7:08 AM on March 18, 2018 [15 favorites]
Nothing in your questions says they are a poly couple. Nothing in their text says anything about a relationhip with you; in fact making it plural seems to indicate the topic is general but also it could literally mean anything!
Do you have any other evidence th ey are poly or that they are interested in you romantically? It's certainly not in your question, but maybe you do?
If not, you really don't have any info here and i am really confused by answers from people giving you specific advice.
posted by bearette at 7:15 AM on March 18, 2018 [8 favorites]
Do you have any other evidence th ey are poly or that they are interested in you romantically? It's certainly not in your question, but maybe you do?
If not, you really don't have any info here and i am really confused by answers from people giving you specific advice.
posted by bearette at 7:15 AM on March 18, 2018 [8 favorites]
This is a very ambiguous message. If I got it, my own jumping to conclusions scenario would be thinking they wanted to cut back on the friendship or not see me anymore. I once thought that when two women I knew wanted to have a talk with me. The big announcement was that they were gay. (This was a very long time ago, and they were afraid I’d want to end the relationship if they told me.) My point is that sometimes we have no idea what people are thinking. You don’t know what this message means. None of us do.
posted by FencingGal at 7:16 AM on March 18, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 7:16 AM on March 18, 2018 [10 favorites]
It is a weird text, but from what you've written here you sound like you're jumping to conclusions. I have relationships with all of my friends... they're platonic, but they're definitely relationships and they're very important to me. I'd ask my friends to be more specific, if I got that text, because it's vague and strange and ominous to be sure.
posted by pazazygeek at 7:16 AM on March 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by pazazygeek at 7:16 AM on March 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
Nthing the several people who have said there's not nearly enough to go on here to draw any firm conclusion.
You say you
You mention trouble trusting people and not wanting to jump to conclusions. I think that's great self-awareness on your part. I would take that to heart and reserve judgement until you have a chance to talk to them about this in a context where you can clear up the abundant ambiguity that others have pointed out.
You say you want to continue being friends if they can take no for an answer. I think that's great, though it does assume the meaning of "discuss relationships" is "would you like to be in a polyamorous relationship with the two of us". Also, assuming that's the case, there's nothing special about being nonmonogamous that means they're more or less likely to take rejection well. It could be totally fine, or it could make things totally awkward. But you say you're interested in remaining friends, so you'll just have to try it and see.
Finally, you say you can't shake the feeling you've been used. Based on your previous statements about difficulty trusting, this makes sense. But what does it mean to be used? Have you enjoyed your time with them? Have they deceived you (aside from potentially not yet telling you about feelings that may have been developing)? If not, then it doesn't really sound to me like you've been used. I don't think anyone is instantly forthcoming about 100% of their thoughts and feelings, so maybe they wanted to be sure about the stability of romantic interest before bringing it up with you. Or perhaps it's really a recent development. Even if they've felt this way from the start, if they've treated you as a friend and you've enjoyed yourself, I have a hard time seeing how you've been used.
This sounds like a challenging and confusing situation, but it will almost certainly be easier to deal with once you have a conversation that clears up some of the ambiguity. Good luck!
posted by Cogito at 7:17 AM on March 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
You say you
have no interest in a poly relationship, but don't specify whether your friends are poly or what your level of knowledge/experience with nonmonogamy is. That's pretty important to knowing how to interpret this text and the preceding behavior.
I'm planning a polite "no thank you" but I can't help feeling a bit like they have been dating me without my knowledge all this time.I'm not sure what it would mean to be dating someone without their knowledge. I'm assuming you haven't been having any physical intimacy, so is the implication that if they were romantically interested in you, then they were dating you without your knowledge? I don't think we can ever really know what's in others' minds, so I'd suggest sticking to evaluating people by their actions and trying not to worry about this part.
You mention trouble trusting people and not wanting to jump to conclusions. I think that's great self-awareness on your part. I would take that to heart and reserve judgement until you have a chance to talk to them about this in a context where you can clear up the abundant ambiguity that others have pointed out.
You say you want to continue being friends if they can take no for an answer. I think that's great, though it does assume the meaning of "discuss relationships" is "would you like to be in a polyamorous relationship with the two of us". Also, assuming that's the case, there's nothing special about being nonmonogamous that means they're more or less likely to take rejection well. It could be totally fine, or it could make things totally awkward. But you say you're interested in remaining friends, so you'll just have to try it and see.
Finally, you say you can't shake the feeling you've been used. Based on your previous statements about difficulty trusting, this makes sense. But what does it mean to be used? Have you enjoyed your time with them? Have they deceived you (aside from potentially not yet telling you about feelings that may have been developing)? If not, then it doesn't really sound to me like you've been used. I don't think anyone is instantly forthcoming about 100% of their thoughts and feelings, so maybe they wanted to be sure about the stability of romantic interest before bringing it up with you. Or perhaps it's really a recent development. Even if they've felt this way from the start, if they've treated you as a friend and you've enjoyed yourself, I have a hard time seeing how you've been used.
This sounds like a challenging and confusing situation, but it will almost certainly be easier to deal with once you have a conversation that clears up some of the ambiguity. Good luck!
posted by Cogito at 7:17 AM on March 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
This kind of reminds me of that new Sling commercial, with one couple trying to invite another couple to watch TV untethered with them. "Do you want to Sling with us?"
I agree that you really haven't gotten (or provided?) enough information to know what this means. At this point it could be any number of things. A misdirected text; a weird autocorrect; sounding you out to see if you want to go out on a blind date with their other BFF; a coming out - maybe they are poly and just want you to know so they're not hiding it from you; an announcement that they're breaking up; or, maybe, an invite to date them.
You just can't know at this point, so just go hang out with them and find out.
posted by invincible summer at 7:18 AM on March 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
I agree that you really haven't gotten (or provided?) enough information to know what this means. At this point it could be any number of things. A misdirected text; a weird autocorrect; sounding you out to see if you want to go out on a blind date with their other BFF; a coming out - maybe they are poly and just want you to know so they're not hiding it from you; an announcement that they're breaking up; or, maybe, an invite to date them.
You just can't know at this point, so just go hang out with them and find out.
posted by invincible summer at 7:18 AM on March 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
I would assume they wanted to set me up but I agree it's an ambiguous message. Maybe give them the benefit of the doubt but have a gracious 'no thanks' handy for whenever you meet them next.
posted by tavegyl at 7:46 AM on March 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by tavegyl at 7:46 AM on March 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
I can't help feeling a bit like they have been dating me without my knowledge all this time.
No one can date you without your knowledge. People can make stuff up in their own heads about what is happening but that is ON THEM if they don't communicate anything. To me, that sort of text would be weird since it's pretty ambiguous and nominally sort of "heavy." If it were me, I'd be ignoring it and then moving on as if nothing happened but also prepared to be like "Oh hey not my thing" if they make a move towards something more intimate than you are comfortable with.
Because, look, in the circles I travel in, a couple who was poly and "interested" would not go through four months of interactions without letting the potential object of their affection know that they were 1) poly 2) interested. If they did, it would be seen as somewhat weird and squirrelly. So to my mind, yes you are jumping to negative conclusions. Them trying to date you in this roundabout way is a pretty edge case interpretation of what is happening unless there's other information that we don't know. If you have other friends, I'd be running this by the, only to get a reality check on your feelings. That said, sometimes people who have alternative ideas about relationships (not being poly, but this long slow burn where you don't know it's happening) might have differing methods. Maybe they're kinky, maybe they want you to date someone they know, maybe they want to talk about their OWN relationship and are weird in talking about it, maybe they're pregnant and want you to be a godparent, who knows.
You won't know until you know, so I'd put it out of your head for now and keep us posted.
posted by jessamyn at 7:59 AM on March 18, 2018 [10 favorites]
No one can date you without your knowledge. People can make stuff up in their own heads about what is happening but that is ON THEM if they don't communicate anything. To me, that sort of text would be weird since it's pretty ambiguous and nominally sort of "heavy." If it were me, I'd be ignoring it and then moving on as if nothing happened but also prepared to be like "Oh hey not my thing" if they make a move towards something more intimate than you are comfortable with.
Because, look, in the circles I travel in, a couple who was poly and "interested" would not go through four months of interactions without letting the potential object of their affection know that they were 1) poly 2) interested. If they did, it would be seen as somewhat weird and squirrelly. So to my mind, yes you are jumping to negative conclusions. Them trying to date you in this roundabout way is a pretty edge case interpretation of what is happening unless there's other information that we don't know. If you have other friends, I'd be running this by the, only to get a reality check on your feelings. That said, sometimes people who have alternative ideas about relationships (not being poly, but this long slow burn where you don't know it's happening) might have differing methods. Maybe they're kinky, maybe they want you to date someone they know, maybe they want to talk about their OWN relationship and are weird in talking about it, maybe they're pregnant and want you to be a godparent, who knows.
You won't know until you know, so I'd put it out of your head for now and keep us posted.
posted by jessamyn at 7:59 AM on March 18, 2018 [10 favorites]
my problem with this text is that it's weird and ominous and vague. Come on, people. Do you have something important to say? Then say it! Do you NOT have something important to say? Then don't make big yet vague announcements about it.
I agree with the one commenter above who said to respond immediately (I'd call, to remove as much ambiguity as possible as fast as possible) and ask wtf they are talking about.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:02 AM on March 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
I agree with the one commenter above who said to respond immediately (I'd call, to remove as much ambiguity as possible as fast as possible) and ask wtf they are talking about.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:02 AM on March 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
A completely different possibility is that they are breaking up. And, separately, perhaps ONE of them is interested in advancing a relationship with you.
posted by intermod at 8:38 AM on March 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by intermod at 8:38 AM on March 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
I can’t believe there are people in this thread suggesting you end a friendship over one vague text! There are so many other options! Go hang out with them and see what’s up! Text back something like “oh wow, that sounds big! What’s going on?” Call them up and ask.
I mean, you like hanging out with these people, yes? Sure, it’s a weird text (I think it’s faurly unlikely to be weird in the way you think, but who knows?), but dropping friends over one weird text seems premature.
Now, if you get to the bottom of it and it does turn out to be something you’re uncomfortable with, you can make a decision about how to proceed then. But you gotta find out! (And please come back and tell us)
posted by lunasol at 8:42 AM on March 18, 2018 [22 favorites]
I mean, you like hanging out with these people, yes? Sure, it’s a weird text (I think it’s faurly unlikely to be weird in the way you think, but who knows?), but dropping friends over one weird text seems premature.
Now, if you get to the bottom of it and it does turn out to be something you’re uncomfortable with, you can make a decision about how to proceed then. But you gotta find out! (And please come back and tell us)
posted by lunasol at 8:42 AM on March 18, 2018 [22 favorites]
I'm assuming the OP knows what they are talking about when they say they are fairly certain they are being hit on by this couple. But it really doesn't matter what the text is about, it matters that they sent something so vague and ominous.
It IS a vague ominous text message to receive. Unless there are typos, the tone of this text message is signaling the couple is not longterm friend material. It doesn't really matter what the text message is ultimately about, 4 months is still in the "getting to know you" stages. This is a normal time to start finding out you might not be longterm compatible as friends.
Of course find out what the hell they mean. But unless there is a typo that significantly altered the tone of the text, weird couple drama is what this is and it's no fun. OP you can still like them and look back on the last 4 months as super fun AND fade on them going forward. You don't have to engage in a bunch of drama, just get busy with other intrests and friends.
Sorry they sent you a weird heavy text message and revealed they aren't longterm friend material. It happens. Sometimes it happens completely out of the blue like this. Meh.
posted by jbenben at 8:44 AM on March 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
It IS a vague ominous text message to receive. Unless there are typos, the tone of this text message is signaling the couple is not longterm friend material. It doesn't really matter what the text message is ultimately about, 4 months is still in the "getting to know you" stages. This is a normal time to start finding out you might not be longterm compatible as friends.
Of course find out what the hell they mean. But unless there is a typo that significantly altered the tone of the text, weird couple drama is what this is and it's no fun. OP you can still like them and look back on the last 4 months as super fun AND fade on them going forward. You don't have to engage in a bunch of drama, just get busy with other intrests and friends.
Sorry they sent you a weird heavy text message and revealed they aren't longterm friend material. It happens. Sometimes it happens completely out of the blue like this. Meh.
posted by jbenben at 8:44 AM on March 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
My best advice is to delete that text, behave as if you never received it, and then allow your next face-to-face conversation to unfold as it will, secure in the knowledge that now you can hear tone of voice and see body language and get an actual handle on wtf is going on here.
I agree with this advice, if you think you can pull it off, and you want to try to maintain the friendship. You're the one who knows the couple, so if you think something fishy is going on here, you should trust your instincts. But, as a casual internet observer, I can see several possibilities for what all this is about, ranging from they are breaking up to "oops, sent the wrong text to you by mistake when I mean to text my partner/someone else" to, yes, "we want to invite you into our relationship."
I do think that, if there was any serious intent of any kind behind that text, they have shown very poor judgement in using that medium to communicate. It's unfair to put you in that situation, and I think the best strategy would be to keep the monkey on their back by letting them figure out how to raise whatever it is with you.
posted by rpfields at 9:11 AM on March 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
I agree with this advice, if you think you can pull it off, and you want to try to maintain the friendship. You're the one who knows the couple, so if you think something fishy is going on here, you should trust your instincts. But, as a casual internet observer, I can see several possibilities for what all this is about, ranging from they are breaking up to "oops, sent the wrong text to you by mistake when I mean to text my partner/someone else" to, yes, "we want to invite you into our relationship."
I do think that, if there was any serious intent of any kind behind that text, they have shown very poor judgement in using that medium to communicate. It's unfair to put you in that situation, and I think the best strategy would be to keep the monkey on their back by letting them figure out how to raise whatever it is with you.
posted by rpfields at 9:11 AM on March 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
You can't draw many conclusions from a single word in a single text, and jumping to the conclusion that makes you the most uncomfortable (not only that they want to date you, but that this means they've kept up a relationship with you under false pretenses all this time) is anxiety talking.
You should talk to them and find out what the text is about. It could be any number of things.
I'm a little ... befuddled ... at all of the people who say that just receiving a text like this would make them scale back or end the friendship. I mean, what? Sometimes people send weird texts. Occasionally, it will be a sign that something is going on that you should worry about - but usually it will just be a failure of communication. People know what they intend to say and often don't see other interpretations of what they wrote.
(And different social circles have different norms about what's appropriate for text, which can be difficult to navigate.)
Now I get why some people are so stressed about sending texts - people read a lot into them and will be willing to end a friendship over something as minor as a single off-putting text! I'd urge you not to be like that, and wait to make a judgment about what was meant until you actually talk to them in person.
If it was me, I'd respond with "sounds serious, let's talk?????" And sure, have a plan for what you'll say if it does turn out to be an invitation to date, but don't go into the conversation with those assumptions. Assumptions aren't generally a good way to handle relationships.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 9:12 AM on March 18, 2018 [22 favorites]
You should talk to them and find out what the text is about. It could be any number of things.
I'm a little ... befuddled ... at all of the people who say that just receiving a text like this would make them scale back or end the friendship. I mean, what? Sometimes people send weird texts. Occasionally, it will be a sign that something is going on that you should worry about - but usually it will just be a failure of communication. People know what they intend to say and often don't see other interpretations of what they wrote.
(And different social circles have different norms about what's appropriate for text, which can be difficult to navigate.)
Now I get why some people are so stressed about sending texts - people read a lot into them and will be willing to end a friendship over something as minor as a single off-putting text! I'd urge you not to be like that, and wait to make a judgment about what was meant until you actually talk to them in person.
If it was me, I'd respond with "sounds serious, let's talk?????" And sure, have a plan for what you'll say if it does turn out to be an invitation to date, but don't go into the conversation with those assumptions. Assumptions aren't generally a good way to handle relationships.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 9:12 AM on March 18, 2018 [22 favorites]
Like, as an example, my mother sometimes sends me anxiety-inducing texts that make me worry that something has gone terribly wrong - a death, a house fire, etc. Then it turns out that actually, the problem is that my stepdad needs help with a spreadsheet.
What this means is that my mother is...not great...at texting. It doesn't mean that she's cruel, thoughtless, a drama-monger, manipulative, or anything like that. If I tried to draw conclusions about her personality from this, I'd be wildly off. She just doesn't have a good sense of how things will read.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 9:18 AM on March 18, 2018 [25 favorites]
What this means is that my mother is...not great...at texting. It doesn't mean that she's cruel, thoughtless, a drama-monger, manipulative, or anything like that. If I tried to draw conclusions about her personality from this, I'd be wildly off. She just doesn't have a good sense of how things will read.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 9:18 AM on March 18, 2018 [25 favorites]
Yeah my first read on that is not "they want to date me" but "they are breaking up and want to figure out who gets me in the divorce". And are too rattled to write good texts. I probably would actually call whoever texted me and ask them what the hell, man?
posted by restless_nomad at 9:48 AM on March 18, 2018 [13 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad at 9:48 AM on March 18, 2018 [13 favorites]
You don’t give a ton of detail about your hunch, but I assume you have reasons for thinking this is what the message alludes to, since you know them and we don’t.
No, you have not been dating them unless you’ve specifically consented to do so, and yes, it’s possible they’re each using their friendship with you to spice up their romantic relationship, misrepresenting their romantic intentions as friendly intentions, which is using and it’s shitty. It’s also possible they are genuinely your friends, but would be interested in more— which is not using in and of itself, but you get to decide whether you want to participate. You get to decide where the line is.
FWIW if I got this message, this would be the last thing I’d assume, but I’m not you.
posted by kapers at 9:56 AM on March 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
No, you have not been dating them unless you’ve specifically consented to do so, and yes, it’s possible they’re each using their friendship with you to spice up their romantic relationship, misrepresenting their romantic intentions as friendly intentions, which is using and it’s shitty. It’s also possible they are genuinely your friends, but would be interested in more— which is not using in and of itself, but you get to decide whether you want to participate. You get to decide where the line is.
FWIW if I got this message, this would be the last thing I’d assume, but I’m not you.
posted by kapers at 9:56 AM on March 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
I'd prepare responses for the various possibilities, meet them, hear them out, and decide which response to use, also preparing to say goodbye if necessary. To me, the bold option would be to short-circuit it and reply to the text with something like "if it's about sex, I'm not interested." I also like the idea of just deleting the message and seeing if it comes up again.
posted by rhizome at 10:02 AM on March 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 10:02 AM on March 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
As an anxious person, I do think it’s shitty to send a vague message that sounds like a possible bombshell, with no reassurance, no specifics, not even a suggested time to meet. If they need to talk to you why can’t they ask to meet up?
(A former boss used to email me “we need to talk” and “see me when you get in” and it would usually be so minor, once was major, but it would always absolutely destroy my night to get that kind of message.)
posted by kapers at 10:10 AM on March 18, 2018 [5 favorites]
(A former boss used to email me “we need to talk” and “see me when you get in” and it would usually be so minor, once was major, but it would always absolutely destroy my night to get that kind of message.)
posted by kapers at 10:10 AM on March 18, 2018 [5 favorites]
Oh my gosh, this is an easy thing to solve. Send back a one-word response: "Relationships?"
Then see what they say. If you get a similarly vague response, then say "What exactly do you mean by relationships? Whose relationships?"
In my experience, there are only three reasons people would continue to be vague: they either want a poly relationship, or want you to come to their Amway meeting, or they want you to join their church.
posted by MexicanYenta at 11:18 AM on March 18, 2018 [22 favorites]
Then see what they say. If you get a similarly vague response, then say "What exactly do you mean by relationships? Whose relationships?"
In my experience, there are only three reasons people would continue to be vague: they either want a poly relationship, or want you to come to their Amway meeting, or they want you to join their church.
posted by MexicanYenta at 11:18 AM on March 18, 2018 [22 favorites]
Yes, this could be a lot of things. Another option is "Partner B thinks you're flirting with Partner A; can we get clear that this is just a platonic friendship?"
But I agree that I wouldn't appreciate this text. Here are a few options as to replies:
"Um, sure, I guess?.... (???)"
"Don't we always?"
"We can discuss discussing anything. Hard to say more without knowing more."
"Mind giving me a bit more of a hint?"
"Well, I can't really say whether I want to discuss it without knowing more."
Oh, on reading the rest of the comments, "Relationships?" is perfect.
posted by salvia at 11:40 AM on March 18, 2018 [5 favorites]
But I agree that I wouldn't appreciate this text. Here are a few options as to replies:
"Um, sure, I guess?.... (???)"
"Don't we always?"
"We can discuss discussing anything. Hard to say more without knowing more."
"Mind giving me a bit more of a hint?"
"Well, I can't really say whether I want to discuss it without knowing more."
Oh, on reading the rest of the comments, "Relationships?" is perfect.
posted by salvia at 11:40 AM on March 18, 2018 [5 favorites]
I have no idea why, but just reading your post gives me vibes that they want to open a carpentry business with you....
posted by TrinsicWS at 12:28 PM on March 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by TrinsicWS at 12:28 PM on March 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
And sure, have a plan for what you'll say if it does turn out to be an invitation to date
You can always ask "oh wow, have you guys been thinking this all along?" if that's a worry you have. And if they say yes, you can explain that you feel mislead and are upset about that.
If you want to say no but keep being friends, you can also ask about future awkwardness. It's good that you've identified these as your two big concerns because you can use the conversation to address them.
posted by salvia at 1:23 PM on March 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
You can always ask "oh wow, have you guys been thinking this all along?" if that's a worry you have. And if they say yes, you can explain that you feel mislead and are upset about that.
If you want to say no but keep being friends, you can also ask about future awkwardness. It's good that you've identified these as your two big concerns because you can use the conversation to address them.
posted by salvia at 1:23 PM on March 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
I think most of us have dashed off quick texts without thinking about how they could be (mis)interpreted. This whole thread is probably putting in way more thought to understand this text than went into writing it.
If this is a weighty subject and the way they chose to introduce it was with a rather vague text, that's not the best. But the fact that the communication was an ambiguous text makes it more likely that it's not a big deal and not much thought was put into it.
posted by Cogito at 2:35 PM on March 18, 2018 [5 favorites]
If this is a weighty subject and the way they chose to introduce it was with a rather vague text, that's not the best. But the fact that the communication was an ambiguous text makes it more likely that it's not a big deal and not much thought was put into it.
posted by Cogito at 2:35 PM on March 18, 2018 [5 favorites]
Yeah it's probably not a big deal and they just texted because otherwise they might forget to bring up whatever it is they want to tell you
posted by Polychrome at 4:03 PM on March 18, 2018
posted by Polychrome at 4:03 PM on March 18, 2018
OMG my first thought was Amway. Or some other multi level marketing ... opportunity. You can use the same "no, thank you" script.
posted by alwayson_slightlyoff at 9:44 PM on March 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by alwayson_slightlyoff at 9:44 PM on March 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
If it turns out they're actually Russian mafia trying to lure you into a sex slavery ring in another country, you should contact the mods.
Seriously, though. The kind of wild speculation you're seeing in this very thread is a perfect demonstration of the reason why texts that provoke an emotional reaction should never be replied to.
Face to face is the communication method of choice for for dealing with emotionally substantial issues, as long as there are no physical safety concerns; if there are, a real-time voice conversation (e.g. phone, preferably with video) is adequate though reaching understanding that way will still be slower.
Even pen and paper is better for this than electronic text, if for no other reason than that it gives you days to contact the recipient by phone and ask them to destroy the next letter they get from you without reading it because you sent it when you were still overwrought.
posted by flabdablet at 12:19 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
Seriously, though. The kind of wild speculation you're seeing in this very thread is a perfect demonstration of the reason why texts that provoke an emotional reaction should never be replied to.
Face to face is the communication method of choice for for dealing with emotionally substantial issues, as long as there are no physical safety concerns; if there are, a real-time voice conversation (e.g. phone, preferably with video) is adequate though reaching understanding that way will still be slower.
Even pen and paper is better for this than electronic text, if for no other reason than that it gives you days to contact the recipient by phone and ask them to destroy the next letter they get from you without reading it because you sent it when you were still overwrought.
posted by flabdablet at 12:19 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
Hope you can have a mod provide an update, because man I am curious what that text meant. That message did not scream "we want to be a thruple!" to me, but you might have some reason to believe that could be the case. To me it sounds like they are breaking up or need some specific advice.
Some interesting theories in this thread. I'm reminded of a new friend I made, things seemed fine, but quickly into our friendship she wanted to talk to me about some sort of business opportunity -- seemed to be a pyramid scheme and I got the sense she only befriended me so she could use me. I stopped thinking she was my friend after that and never spoke to her again. Whatever it is, you don't need to respond or give them an answer right away. If it's some weird curveball, say you need some time to process it and then go let yourself process it. If they do want a thruple, yeah, the friendship is probably over and that would be a fair and reasonable response from you.
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:02 AM on March 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
Some interesting theories in this thread. I'm reminded of a new friend I made, things seemed fine, but quickly into our friendship she wanted to talk to me about some sort of business opportunity -- seemed to be a pyramid scheme and I got the sense she only befriended me so she could use me. I stopped thinking she was my friend after that and never spoke to her again. Whatever it is, you don't need to respond or give them an answer right away. If it's some weird curveball, say you need some time to process it and then go let yourself process it. If they do want a thruple, yeah, the friendship is probably over and that would be a fair and reasonable response from you.
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:02 AM on March 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
I've been approached in that way with life coach people, too.
posted by rhizome at 12:24 PM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 12:24 PM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
Original poster here:
I'm afraid I wasn't as clear as I could have been in my original question. First of all, I meant to write "email" not "text". And secondly, there was a bit more to it than just the word "relationship" that seemed to hint at a poly relationship conversation.
That said, I think everyone who advised me to get clarity on exactly what they meant was right. I had already replied saying I am only interested in monogamy (in the nicest way), but I may get another chance as they have not responded and I'm not sure they saw it. (We have continued to communicate via text about other things)
Thanks to everyone who pointed out that it could have just been something that developed for them (if it is, in fact, that) instead of ulterior motives the entire time. I really need to work on my tendency to ascribe nefarious motives to everyone when I get nervous!
I will post another follow-up when I find out exactly what is going on for sure.
posted by shadow1000 at 5:50 PM on March 19, 2018 [11 favorites]
I'm afraid I wasn't as clear as I could have been in my original question. First of all, I meant to write "email" not "text". And secondly, there was a bit more to it than just the word "relationship" that seemed to hint at a poly relationship conversation.
That said, I think everyone who advised me to get clarity on exactly what they meant was right. I had already replied saying I am only interested in monogamy (in the nicest way), but I may get another chance as they have not responded and I'm not sure they saw it. (We have continued to communicate via text about other things)
Thanks to everyone who pointed out that it could have just been something that developed for them (if it is, in fact, that) instead of ulterior motives the entire time. I really need to work on my tendency to ascribe nefarious motives to everyone when I get nervous!
I will post another follow-up when I find out exactly what is going on for sure.
posted by shadow1000 at 5:50 PM on March 19, 2018 [11 favorites]
All my remarks about text apply equally to email.
posted by flabdablet at 7:39 PM on March 19, 2018
posted by flabdablet at 7:39 PM on March 19, 2018
All of my remarks apply to getting a creepy out of context text message. An email is a lot more normal in terms of broaching a difficult topic... I hope you find out soon what is going on and it's nothing that puts you on the spot or damages your trust in them.
posted by jbenben at 7:59 PM on March 19, 2018
posted by jbenben at 7:59 PM on March 19, 2018
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