How might an adult acquire a mentor?
March 11, 2018 5:51 AM Subscribe
And what might a mentor even do for someone: is it like in the movies?
I had terrible parents and an isolated upbringing in a country that was hella racist towards me. I had no experience of adults as supportive or guiding; only as punitive, controlling, or abusive. As a result, I developed a deep mistrust of authority figures: "don't tell anyone anything and you'll be safe." I always thought peers who talked over their choices and tough decisions with parents or professors were insane, or even inferior when judged against my vastly smarter strategy of pure self reliance.
Happily, in adulthood, I've had the opportunity to work with a couple of therapists and HOLY SHIT IT TURNS OUT RELYING ON OTHERS EVEN A LITTLE BIT IS AMAZING. I'm done with therapy right now, but I find myself longing for the thing I never had, the thing I never even really used my therapists for but which therapy has helped me see might be a very cool thing: a mentor.
I'm not even sure what that looks like in real life. I guess I start by seeking out someone to mentor me in my profession (business development for techie companies)? But I'm telling you I could use a mentor for everything ever. Parenting. Life skills. Managing ADD. My side gig as writer. Dating after my divorce. ALL OF IT EVER.
I have friends who are amazing and helpful in several of these areas but I don't even know, you all, for the first time in my life I am utterly jealous of peers who can call up their moms and be like, "Help!" and then be helped. How wonderful. I want THAT, except of course that isn't realistic, so a mentor seems like the closest thing. Right??
Wow I have rambled here but this way I've communicated the mess in my head at least.
I had terrible parents and an isolated upbringing in a country that was hella racist towards me. I had no experience of adults as supportive or guiding; only as punitive, controlling, or abusive. As a result, I developed a deep mistrust of authority figures: "don't tell anyone anything and you'll be safe." I always thought peers who talked over their choices and tough decisions with parents or professors were insane, or even inferior when judged against my vastly smarter strategy of pure self reliance.
Happily, in adulthood, I've had the opportunity to work with a couple of therapists and HOLY SHIT IT TURNS OUT RELYING ON OTHERS EVEN A LITTLE BIT IS AMAZING. I'm done with therapy right now, but I find myself longing for the thing I never had, the thing I never even really used my therapists for but which therapy has helped me see might be a very cool thing: a mentor.
I'm not even sure what that looks like in real life. I guess I start by seeking out someone to mentor me in my profession (business development for techie companies)? But I'm telling you I could use a mentor for everything ever. Parenting. Life skills. Managing ADD. My side gig as writer. Dating after my divorce. ALL OF IT EVER.
I have friends who are amazing and helpful in several of these areas but I don't even know, you all, for the first time in my life I am utterly jealous of peers who can call up their moms and be like, "Help!" and then be helped. How wonderful. I want THAT, except of course that isn't realistic, so a mentor seems like the closest thing. Right??
Wow I have rambled here but this way I've communicated the mess in my head at least.
Best answer: I want THAT, except of course that isn't realistic, so a mentor seems like the closest thing. Right??
So, here's the thing. Mentoring in adulthood is totally a thing and it's a great thing to have, personally and professionally. But--you really, really can't replace a lack of parental relationships with other adults who don't have a parental relationship with you. Mentor relationships aren't unconditional love, but they aren't even a crappy facsimile of unconditional love.
What you're going to find is that the actual people who're available to have a sort of mentor relationship with you? Well--they've got as much chance of being flakes as anybody else. And maybe more; I honestly think a lot of the people who're drawn towards engaging with people this way have their own unrealistic ideas of what it means and how much free time they have, based on my own personal experiences with such things. There's a guy who's done amazing things for my career and helped me find a great job after my boot camp and been wonderfully supportive, right? And I haven't seen him in like three months and can't get him to nail down a time when he wants to do lunch next, because he's doing 1200 different things and I'm not in the top 300. Building up the kind of relationship where you can call whenever and say "help!" and genuinely trust that you're going to get assistance is the kind of thing that's not at all guaranteed and may take years to establish even once you find someone who you work with well.
Mentoring is a thing, but what you're describing here is not so much the way real mentors are so much as the way they are in the movies. What you need here is not a singular mentor or even several, but a collection of mentors, paid coaches, friends, and probably still a therapist, all of whom pick up a little piece of this puzzle. If you try to put this kind of weight onto a person you've only recently met, you are introducing an enormous risk that things are going to go wrong, and it seems like that is not going to be something you're set up to deal well with, given your background. Reaching out is good, but a realistic mentor relationship is that you sometimes go out for lunch with now and then and email periodically, and absolutely nothing like a replacement mom.
posted by Sequence at 7:44 AM on March 11, 2018 [20 favorites]
So, here's the thing. Mentoring in adulthood is totally a thing and it's a great thing to have, personally and professionally. But--you really, really can't replace a lack of parental relationships with other adults who don't have a parental relationship with you. Mentor relationships aren't unconditional love, but they aren't even a crappy facsimile of unconditional love.
What you're going to find is that the actual people who're available to have a sort of mentor relationship with you? Well--they've got as much chance of being flakes as anybody else. And maybe more; I honestly think a lot of the people who're drawn towards engaging with people this way have their own unrealistic ideas of what it means and how much free time they have, based on my own personal experiences with such things. There's a guy who's done amazing things for my career and helped me find a great job after my boot camp and been wonderfully supportive, right? And I haven't seen him in like three months and can't get him to nail down a time when he wants to do lunch next, because he's doing 1200 different things and I'm not in the top 300. Building up the kind of relationship where you can call whenever and say "help!" and genuinely trust that you're going to get assistance is the kind of thing that's not at all guaranteed and may take years to establish even once you find someone who you work with well.
Mentoring is a thing, but what you're describing here is not so much the way real mentors are so much as the way they are in the movies. What you need here is not a singular mentor or even several, but a collection of mentors, paid coaches, friends, and probably still a therapist, all of whom pick up a little piece of this puzzle. If you try to put this kind of weight onto a person you've only recently met, you are introducing an enormous risk that things are going to go wrong, and it seems like that is not going to be something you're set up to deal well with, given your background. Reaching out is good, but a realistic mentor relationship is that you sometimes go out for lunch with now and then and email periodically, and absolutely nothing like a replacement mom.
posted by Sequence at 7:44 AM on March 11, 2018 [20 favorites]
Start this on easy mode.
First, look for role models. They don't have to be willing to help you, you just need to be able through observation and a minimum of their honesty to see and appreciate their life choices and strategy.
Second, flip the pitch, knowing mentorship is a two-way street. Think about what, and to whom, you can offer value as a protege. A successful person with every material and psychological need met is a lot less likely to be mentor than someone who needs or wants the support or admiration that a young protege can provide.
posted by MattD at 9:34 AM on March 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
First, look for role models. They don't have to be willing to help you, you just need to be able through observation and a minimum of their honesty to see and appreciate their life choices and strategy.
Second, flip the pitch, knowing mentorship is a two-way street. Think about what, and to whom, you can offer value as a protege. A successful person with every material and psychological need met is a lot less likely to be mentor than someone who needs or wants the support or admiration that a young protege can provide.
posted by MattD at 9:34 AM on March 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
As someone who also lacked/s that kind of unconditional parental support, r/MomForAMinute can be an amazingly sweet experience.
posted by teremala at 9:48 AM on March 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by teremala at 9:48 AM on March 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: MattD would you possibly elaborate on that? How would a quid pro quo of that sort work in the real world, especially considering I'm not exactly young (36) and while my personality is somewhat predisposed toward effusively admiring my idols, I'd feel a bit icky about THAT being the transaction underpinning any relationship.
Let's get super specific because thinking about this today and reading y'all's responses is sparking ideas. I think my greatest need is a mentor for my writing, and I even have existing relationships (good friendships, even) with some writers I admire from an old writers' group, which I might be able to deepen in this direction. But how would I even begin to approach this?
And practical arrangement wise, are apprenticeships a thing that writers do outside of the big metros? I'd be more than happy to put in a couple of hours a week assisting someone in any way I can in exchange for personalized help and guidance.
posted by MiraK at 9:49 AM on March 11, 2018
Let's get super specific because thinking about this today and reading y'all's responses is sparking ideas. I think my greatest need is a mentor for my writing, and I even have existing relationships (good friendships, even) with some writers I admire from an old writers' group, which I might be able to deepen in this direction. But how would I even begin to approach this?
And practical arrangement wise, are apprenticeships a thing that writers do outside of the big metros? I'd be more than happy to put in a couple of hours a week assisting someone in any way I can in exchange for personalized help and guidance.
posted by MiraK at 9:49 AM on March 11, 2018
Mira, I think that "quid pro quo" is probably not a helpful way to think about it. Having something to offer is by no means implying it would or should be of equivalent value to what you're getting. I'll speak from my experience. I'm approached a lot by young people who see something in my career path in law and finance (thanks, LinkedIn) that they'd like to emulate and hope I can help them. One person whom I gave what by my standards was a lot more mentorship than the average was someone who introduced himself to me not by saying "You have had some good jobs and have some influential friends, can we have coffee" but someone who sent me an article he'd written in a topic that he knew I would find interesting, and every time we talked there was always some other input that I took away. Realistically, I didn't make a dime from anything he taught me, but I also don't care that I didn't, and I've been thrilled to see him move his career forward in small part from help I gave him.
posted by MattD at 2:13 PM on March 11, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by MattD at 2:13 PM on March 11, 2018 [5 favorites]
I think my greatest need is a mentor for my writing, and I even have existing relationships (good friendships, even) with some writers I admire from an old writers' group, which I might be able to deepen in this direction. But how would I even begin to approach this?
I think in general, the best way to identify mentors is similar to any other sort of relationship: start small, and build from there. So with this specific example, I'd suggest reaching out to one of the people you admire and saying something like "hey, I really appreciated your contributions to the writing group, would you want to get coffee sometime and talk about writing?" Feel them out while you're getting coffee - maybe ask for some advice but not ALL the advice. And then say you've been talking about where you can send your short stories to (no idea if this is the kind of mentorship you mean, just as an example), maybe if they seem amenable, at the end you can say something like "hey, would you mind looking at a draft of my letter I'll send with the story?"
I would not necessarily think of it as a strict Mentor/Protege relationship with rigid expectations. It's more ... you're making a friend you have something in common with, who can give you advice. And the flakiness thing is real - I have flaked as a mentor, and been flaked on as a mentee.
As for the quid pro quo part - you're both adults, so there are probably areas where you can help the other person out. Be on the lookout for that. You seem to think there's some sort of icky double meaning to "quid pro quo" but I think it means just giving in addition to getting. Though to be honest, in the situations where I've been the mentor, the good feelings/boost to my ego I've gotten have been plenty of recompense.
If you are looking for something more formalized, or someone you can consistently go to without worrying about burdening them, a life coach could be a great option.
posted by lunasol at 2:26 PM on March 11, 2018
I think in general, the best way to identify mentors is similar to any other sort of relationship: start small, and build from there. So with this specific example, I'd suggest reaching out to one of the people you admire and saying something like "hey, I really appreciated your contributions to the writing group, would you want to get coffee sometime and talk about writing?" Feel them out while you're getting coffee - maybe ask for some advice but not ALL the advice. And then say you've been talking about where you can send your short stories to (no idea if this is the kind of mentorship you mean, just as an example), maybe if they seem amenable, at the end you can say something like "hey, would you mind looking at a draft of my letter I'll send with the story?"
I would not necessarily think of it as a strict Mentor/Protege relationship with rigid expectations. It's more ... you're making a friend you have something in common with, who can give you advice. And the flakiness thing is real - I have flaked as a mentor, and been flaked on as a mentee.
As for the quid pro quo part - you're both adults, so there are probably areas where you can help the other person out. Be on the lookout for that. You seem to think there's some sort of icky double meaning to "quid pro quo" but I think it means just giving in addition to getting. Though to be honest, in the situations where I've been the mentor, the good feelings/boost to my ego I've gotten have been plenty of recompense.
If you are looking for something more formalized, or someone you can consistently go to without worrying about burdening them, a life coach could be a great option.
posted by lunasol at 2:26 PM on March 11, 2018
I just wanted to chime in belatedly and say i really feel you on this question, and the issues you bring up are ones i've been thinking about a lot lately. Having solid connections through family and authority figures is a site of tremendous privilege that i think is invisible if one has always had it.
I hope you've made some progress in connections and collaborations that feel promising. I'm not in a position to be a writing mentor (though i'm a pretty good proofreader - not that you'd know it from this) , but I am someone who leans in / leans back and tries to create family of choice circles with friends where giving/receiving practical support is the norm. Feel free to memail me id you like.
It's *hard* to manifest and believe in the family of choice vision at times -- i know it flies in the face of the dominant kinship structure i believe 21st century America is arranged around, ie the nuclear family and biological ties. And it can be tricky - its hard to make new friends as an adult, and as we get older, old friends get busier with careers, supporting their own primary partners, and kids .. one doesnt always feel comfortable asking for help as in days past .. even if they're willing (usually! people are good!), my reciprical help might not be as needed.. etc etc . . But in the end I just refuse to settle for the limited blood-only idea of kin.. It doesn't seem natural or what we evolved with.
Apologies for typos , i wound up composing this on an impossibly tiny screen.
posted by elgee at 3:02 PM on May 1, 2018
I hope you've made some progress in connections and collaborations that feel promising. I'm not in a position to be a writing mentor (though i'm a pretty good proofreader - not that you'd know it from this) , but I am someone who leans in / leans back and tries to create family of choice circles with friends where giving/receiving practical support is the norm. Feel free to memail me id you like.
It's *hard* to manifest and believe in the family of choice vision at times -- i know it flies in the face of the dominant kinship structure i believe 21st century America is arranged around, ie the nuclear family and biological ties. And it can be tricky - its hard to make new friends as an adult, and as we get older, old friends get busier with careers, supporting their own primary partners, and kids .. one doesnt always feel comfortable asking for help as in days past .. even if they're willing (usually! people are good!), my reciprical help might not be as needed.. etc etc . . But in the end I just refuse to settle for the limited blood-only idea of kin.. It doesn't seem natural or what we evolved with.
Apologies for typos , i wound up composing this on an impossibly tiny screen.
posted by elgee at 3:02 PM on May 1, 2018
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For some of the other stuff - e.g. dating, parenting, life skills - maybe I'm seeing more of a life coach role as being relevant? I know a few coaches - the way they'd often describe the difference between mentoring & coaching is that mentoring is sometimes more directive & provides you with actual fresh content & practical help, whereas coaching is about giving you a productive context where you can reflect & put a few things together - and maybe help you to make connections or identify blockages - but in a coaching context, you're essentially doing that stuff for yourself, with a bit of structure & guidance from the coach. There are online directories of accredited coaches who work in whatever country with whatever skills or background - you can find contact details, talk to a few, see if you hit it off. You can see them in-person or work remotely. It's a paid-for role. (whereas mentoring is usually(?) voluntary I guess?)
I guess there could be more or less of an overlap in the two roles, according to your situation or the skills that your future mentor/coach could bring. Maybe with your background of self-reliance, an approach that stresses that you're the expert of your own life could be helpful. Just with a couple of tweaks or pointers from the outside.
Good luck, I hope you find the right person(s). :)
posted by rd45 at 6:57 AM on March 11, 2018