Doula “harassment”

March 1, 2018 6:09 PM

The strangest thing just happened to my wife and I. We hired a company to provide us with postpartum doulas. We’ve had two ladies come for the past month or so, dividing up the week. Due to staffing issues we’ve had someone new for the past week. We received an email today from the company immediately terminating our relationship due to “words and actions they consider harassment.”

This is completely out of left field for us, and we’re honestly quite upset. Not just because we’re without someone for our baby tonight. We’d had nothing but positive interactions with the past two doulas. This is the first time we’d heard anything negative from anyone at this company; they’d even asked us to serve as a reference for the two prior doulas! It’s made even more upsetting because they won’t return any emails or phone calls explaining what the hell happened. We’ve hardly exchanged two words with new doula, and can’t imagine anything that would rise to that kind of response. We’ve successfully had babysitters and doulas for our prior children, some of whom are friends to this day, so it’s not as though we’re far outside the scope of normal expectations as childcare employers. It’s just baffling and upsetting, we feel like we’ve been maligned and don’t even know why.

If we did something wrong we’d like to at least apologize. Is it worth doing anything else to try to find out what happened, or should we just write it off as an baffling mystery?

posted by leotrotsky to Human Relations (19 answers total)

Response by poster: Sorry, the question being, “what should we do next?”
posted by leotrotsky at 6:12 PM on March 1, 2018

My advice, move on. Despite wanting more perhaps, this is a business relationship (unless I don't understand the doula relationship enough. This is possible.). For whatever reason, they decided to fire you. Doesn't do any good, IMO, to apologize.
posted by humboldt32 at 7:26 PM on March 1, 2018 [4 favorites]

Yeah move on. You have a new baby = bigger baby fish to fry. This doesn’t merit your very limited attention right now. Focus on finding solutions that work for you and your current circumstances
posted by sestaaak at 7:29 PM on March 1, 2018 [6 favorites]

This might be out-of-left field - but my first reaction was - are you positive you're interpreting their email correctly and/or could there be a mistake? Did they say they're ending your relationship with the whole company - or just with this particular doula? If it only happened today, they may just not have gotten around to responding to your emails/calls. Either way, if you never hear back, there's not much you can do. I'd write it off as a weird mistake and focus on the wonderful relationships you have had - and form new happy relationships. Sometimes flukey things do happen!
posted by Uncle Glendinning at 7:34 PM on March 1, 2018

My guess is that it's a mistake (perhaps the staffing issues made it a busy week for them too) and they're mortified. It's up to you if you want to reply, expressing polite confusion, or just give them a day to follow up; if they don't say anything, then the only course of action is to find a new company.
posted by batter_my_heart at 7:47 PM on March 1, 2018 [3 favorites]

Staffing issues and a puzzling and abrupt termination of services may also mean that the agency is having major money issues or some kind of legal issue that's creating instability. It might be easier for them to blame you and terminate services rather than explain that they can't make payroll or are having a license to operate pulled or any other number of things that have nothing to do with you. Move on to a new provider.
posted by quince at 8:07 PM on March 1, 2018 [15 favorites]

One alternative might be to reach out to your two previous doulas from this agency and see if they can shed any unofficial light on the situation. If you do that, however, you have to super promise not to take the information you glean back to the business and potentially get them in trouble. You might also take the opportunity to let them know you thought they were great and would be happy to provide a reference for them any time. The "you know, in case your employers are melting down and you need to find new work" can be left implied.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:11 PM on March 1, 2018 [9 favorites]

I would be very perplexed by this as well and if I had a very stressful new thing to deal with (new baby!) I would totally end up focusing on this weird thing and misplace a bunch of my stress onto it until it was somehow resolved. Which, in all likelihood it won't be.

So first I'd say the thing to do next is to look at your awesome new baby and focus on sorting out any issues there. Maybe a different type or style of childcare would work best for you as your family is now, or maybe you just need to find a different company to work with. Ask your previous doulas for suggestions of who to contact or if they have any personal recommendations and for short term help now is the time to call in favors from those people who say "if i can ever help out let me know!"

Then if you're still feeling bothered by this odd thing with this company, spend a little time with it. Like, a week from now. I think the staffing issues are very telling, and most likely you're not in the wrong at all, but getting the lowdown on what's really up is going to be difficult because of shame and job scarcity and so-on. I really like jacquilynne's suggestion to reach out to previous doulas. Not so much to get information on the agency but to make sure they know you'd love to provide a reference for them. A good way to say this without implying that their job is currently in danger is "a reference letter, for your files". Then if they seem receptive you can share what happened to you and ask them if they have any idea what's going on, and that you'd like a chance to make things right if you're in the wrong.

Ultimately it doesn't matter and although you have the right to feel insulted you shouldn't expect resolution or absolution. What matters is your new kid and the rest of your family being happy and comfortable and getting on with things. However you can best achieve that is what you should do next.
posted by Mizu at 8:27 PM on March 1, 2018

Bottom line- if what you say is true the doula lied or has some kind of break with reality.

I would personally dispute this in writing now just in case it comes back to bite you later: ie you get blacklisted with child care providers or have this woman slandering you around town. So write a simple calm email that says- we dispute this claim, we have tired to contact you to discuss but you have not returned our calls, please be aware that your employee is not being truthful (some details here) and that we are no longer interested in working with your company but this better be the last we hear about it.

You have no idea why she lied and I wouldn't care to find out. I'd leave it at that.
posted by fshgrl at 8:43 PM on March 1, 2018 [39 favorites]

Quince has it.

They are having money problems, licensing problems, or some similar trouble. My other thought was they misidentified you for another couple? Nah. They just folded up, closed down the business, and ran off in the middle of the night.

Cancel your credit card if you have one on file with them. Chargeback through your cc company for any unfulfilled services you paid for. Move on.
posted by jbenben at 9:32 PM on March 1, 2018 [4 favorites]

I'd write them an email to the effect of:

'Our reputation is as important to us as yours is to you, or as our most recent doula's is to her.

Therefore, it is essential that we know in specific detail what the accusations against us are, and have the chance to reply to them.

Neither my wife nor I are aware of any negative interaction with our doula whatsoever, much less anything that could be construed as abuse or harassment.

Please reply to this email at your earliest convenience so that we can all resolve this matter as soon as possible.'

From your question, it sounds as if the doula was due to work tonight and you got this email late today.

My guess is, the doula didn't want to work tonight, and accused you of misbehavior to avoid being fired.
posted by jamjam at 10:00 PM on March 1, 2018 [53 favorites]

I'm with jamjam, although I'd think a genuine doula would not be that feckless. Which makes me wonder if they are passing off random baby sitters as doulas. But that's another issue, and not yours.
posted by fshgrl at 10:15 PM on March 1, 2018 [2 favorites]

Were you present for every interaction your partner had with the doula? Particularly if they are the one who just gave birth, postpartum mood disorders can come out of nowhere and make you do some weird things. Not a pleasant possibility to think about but if there are any other warning signs might be worth getting your partner seen by someone.
posted by kelseyq at 10:21 PM on March 1, 2018

Just a thought - but has anyone (relative, neighbor, dog walker) else interacted with the doula?
posted by Toddles at 10:22 PM on March 1, 2018 [5 favorites]

I don't know what would lead to an assumption that the company is going out of business or the doula didn't want to work? I would assume first that there was a mistake in identity and write the most polite email.
"Sorry for any confusion, my wife and I are surprised to learn of any issues. Possibly, there may have been some kind of mix-up or misunderstanding. So far, our experiences with Doula 1 and Doula 2 have been professional. Please let us know any further details, it is upsetting to be accused of harassment and worse to not know of the detail. We take our business relationship with your company seriously and in full mutual respect expect the same considerations. Thank you for your attention."
Subsequent replies may lead you to believe otherwise, but it may be wise to assume some type of mix-up first. Of course, you may not want to deal with such a company regardless of their answer.
posted by RoadScholar at 3:57 AM on March 2, 2018 [7 favorites]

Oh I see why replies may be saying they are going out of business, they haven't returned any calls or emails though your original message from them was still only "today" and then your post here at 6 PM. I'd say give them 12 hours to gather information on their end before writing them off. Your replies may have taken them by surprise and they need to gather information before getting back to you.
posted by RoadScholar at 4:49 AM on March 2, 2018

I found the doula industry in my area to be very unprofessional.
This post doesn’t surprise me.
I wouldn’t tangle with them. Hire a real nanny and move on.
posted by littlewater at 5:46 AM on March 2, 2018 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I sent the following response to them:

This will be my first and last letter to you on this matter.

1. Of course, we'll pay any outstanding bill owed.

2. I understand you feel a duty to your staff to not place them in any home you are not 100% confident will be a safe and respectful environment. I would feel the same duty if I were in your shoes. I understand that we will be not using your services in the future.

3. The purpose of this email is simply to ask you to consider some things as your move forward in your business working with families:

Mere accusations, on their own, can be deeply hurtful to a family. These accusations of harrassment, taking place as they did inside our home, are practically impossible to refute. I know that you have no interest in trying to sort out the truth of the matter, and that it's safer from your perspective to err on the side of the doula. I respect that.

That said.

We have had a total of 5 caregivers in our household since the birth of our first child, 4 nannies and 1 doula. These women live in different cities, do not know each other, come from disparate backgrounds, and many have moved on to other careers. Our family has maintained good relationships with ALL of them. Not just Facebook friends; more like when we're visiting their town we'll grab coffee, or dinner, or meet at the playground with their kids and our kids. Our daughter was even the flower girl at one of their weddings. We'd be happy to provide a full list of their names with complete contact information, confident that none of them would have anything but good things to say about us.

My wife and I attended a liberal Quaker school, (REDACTED), for college. The Quakers have an expression, "There is that of God in everyone." While we are not a particularly religious family, that's the way we strive to live. We try very hard to treat every person with whom we come into contact with kindness and decency. It's what we teach our children, and it's how we live our lives. We try, however imperfectly, to make the world a better place by being in it.

That's why we found your response, however well-intentioned on your part, to be so upsetting. First, the prospect that our actions and behavior may have made someone so uncomfortable as to constitute harassment. Second, not knowing what, if any, actions on our part may have triggered such a response. We began playing over every interaction we had in our heads, over and over, to imagine what may have done or said to make such a bad impression. Third (and worst) the possibility that none of the above had happened, and instead that someone, in our home, with whom we entrusted to care of our infant child, would choose to intentionally and unfairly *malign* us, for some unknown reason.

I'd ask you to imagine yourself in our shoes.

I wish you the best going forward, and I'm deeply disappointed that this is how our relationship with your firm ended

posted by leotrotsky at 7:03 AM on March 2, 2018 [33 favorites]

"Third (and worst) the possibility that none of the above had happened, and instead that someone, in our home, with whom we entrusted to care of our infant child, would choose to intentionally and unfairly *malign* us, for some unknown reason. "

So that's how Quakers roll?! I felt slapped by that near last sentence, and I was not the recipient.

I'm pretty sure you won't hear back because I believe they went out of business, but well done. This was a master class in communication. Thank you for following up.
posted by jbenben at 9:22 AM on March 2, 2018 [5 favorites]