How to talk to the love of my life?

February 23, 2018 7:04 AM

I’m in love with a man I’ve been with for six complicated years. My ten year old girl believes this man is her entire world. Honestly, he is our entire world. I don’t know that he feels the same way for me anymore. I think he’s interested in a woman he works with as I’m not allowed to visit his workplace even though I know many of his workmates for decades. I digress. Three weeks ago, my younger sister told me she has cancer. I found out two and a half weeks ago that I have cancer. It’s in it’s early stage, so I’m lucky. I don’t know if I should tell this man I love that I have cancer. I don’t think he’s in it to win it with me and I don’t want him prolong the relationship with me because he feels bad for me. He stayed with an old girlfriend for several years because he felt bad breaking up with her while her mother was dying of cancer. Do I bother telling him I have cancer?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total)

Oh, this makes my heart hurt. First of all, sending you and your sister good vibes!

You say you're in love with him, and describe him as your "entire world." I think you should have a serious conversation with him about whether or not he's "in it to win it" with you, and whether or not his eye is wandering.

Let his response guide your decision to disclose your cancer diagnosis. If you feel like he genuinely wants to be with you, and he can assuage your concerns about his coworker, then I personally would tell him. Otherwise, you can end it without disclosing.

All that said, I say this is as a very anxious person who is extremely prone to unnecessary worry about whether or not my boyfriend is still happy with me. Roughly 98 times out 100, these feelings are due to my anxiety, not to anything he's actually doing or feeling (and the other 2 times, we have a calm discussion and figure out a solution).

If you aren't prone to unnecessary relationship worry, my advice is probably just that you shouldn't waste time on a relationship where you aren't sure if you should disclose life-changing news like cancer.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 7:18 AM on February 23, 2018 [33 favorites]

Do I bother telling him I have cancer?

Yes - if not for you, then for your daughter who will be intensely burdened by having to keep this secret from a person so important to her. What he does with that info and what the rest of this means to your relationship is between the two of you, but no kid should have to suppress her emotions about her parents' cancer from a person this important to her.
posted by notorious medium at 7:19 AM on February 23, 2018 [53 favorites]

...no kid should have to suppress her emotions about her parents' cancer from a person this important to her...

And no parent should have to maintain a relationship that doesn't satisfy his or her needs just for their child. If OP isn't getting what they need from the relationship and partner can't or won't offer what they need, then OP should feel free to end the relationship. It'll be tough for the daughter, but surely not as tough in the long run as it would be for OP to keep a man around that doesn't fulfill their needs.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 7:37 AM on February 23, 2018 [18 favorites]

If OP isn't getting what they need from the relationship and partner can't or won't offer what they need, then OP should feel free to end the relationship. It'll be tough for the daughter, but surely not as tough in the long run as it would be for OP to keep a man around that doesn't fulfill their needs.

Totally agree, which is why I wrote "What he does with that info and what the rest of this means to your relationship is between the two of you" - but if he's sticking around (because both parties want him to), the child should not have to hide her mom's cancer from him.
posted by notorious medium at 7:51 AM on February 23, 2018 [6 favorites]

Partner has a history of staying in a relationship because leaving in a tough time would make him feel bad. If OP has the conversation about cancer before or during the conversation about the relationship as a whole, they won't know if he's staying because he wants to or because he feels obligated to. OP should only share their diagnosis if they will be staying together and he will be continuing to have contact with daughter.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 7:54 AM on February 23, 2018 [7 favorites]

If you can't tell him you have cancer then it's already a broken relationship, I'm afraid. It's a pretty huge omission (and I do understand why you're afraid to share your diagnosis with him) and it's not sustainable.

If you break up with him you obviously don't have to tell him but if you want to work things out, omitting your diagnosis is not compatible with a fulfilling partnership.
posted by lydhre at 8:03 AM on February 23, 2018 [29 favorites]

Is there anything that could happen, anything he could do, that would make you believe that he is committed to you? I’m guessing no, because of what you’ve described.

I’m so sorry. This is unimaginably hard. But if I were you I would think about future spoon allocation. Like, you are going to need a lot of emotional energy to deal with your own health, your sister’s situation, and your daughter’s reaction to all of those things. Are you going to have the spoons to also continue to be in a relationship in which you feel pretty fundamentally insecure?

I like to think I’d have the relationship conversation and then end it, and then tell him about the health situation. If this man loves your daughter, he will care about the continuation of that relationship, and he will care about being there for your kid through this time. He doesn’t have to be in a romantic relationship with you in order to continue to be an important figure in your daughter’s life.

I think, if it were me, I’d like to think I’d be able to try a sort of conscious, deliberate break up, where all the cards are on the table, and you’re able to plan together how to handle this for your daughter’s sake. But that requires that you’re ready to accept the end of this romantic relationship first.

I am so sorry, OP. This is a world of shit to have to handle at once.
posted by schadenfrau at 8:03 AM on February 23, 2018 [9 favorites]

You're worried he'd stay in a relationship that he's not that into, out of pity/obligation because he wouldn't be able to dump somebody who has cancer, and you don't want that type of relationship for either of you. I think the idea of not telling him is no solution at all. What would make sense is to not tell him until after you've had an honest conversation about where your relationship really stands. TALK!! Are you getting what you want/need from this relationship? is he? Where does each of you want to be, both individually and as a couple, in 1/2/5years? If he says he's in, you're obviously not seeing that in his actions, so define what exactly you mean by "he's not in it to win it", and ask him about those specific behaviors. It sounds like your relationship's health isn't all that great, and this is something that can be addressed entirely separately from your physical health. It may be part of that conversation why you're suddenly wanting to discuss this, and that's the point at which you'd be making the decision not to tell him (not to tell him YET - you will eventually tell him), you'd be saying just that you're thinking hard about your life lately and what your next few years will be like.

So. You've had this talk. Maybe it goes well and you've both defined things you're going to work on to get the relationship better; or maybe it goes less well, and you've decided to wrap things up and move on. Give it a day or two. Let the aftershocks of this first conversation subside a bit. THEN, come back for the second conversation, about cancer. The key thing is, you're watching to see how this second conversation starts changing the results of the first one, and it is perfectly valid to point out if he starts acting differently.
posted by aimedwander at 8:25 AM on February 23, 2018 [2 favorites]

I vote for tell him. Even if his attention is wandering, even if he's less than 100% there, he might decide to do the honorable thing after 6 years with you, and jump in with both feet. That doesn't necessarily mean he's only doing it because he feels sorry for you. It's sometimes a complicated mixture of motivations that makes someone commit more to a sick partner. I don't see what's wrong with him doing it out of a sense of obligation. We are obligated to each other, no matter what our individualistic society tells us.
You don't want him there moping and acting long suffering. But it's also possible for someone to step up to what at first feels like an obligation , and then become positive and immersed as an intimate team.
Only you know if he's capable of this. But I would not say "don't tell him" just because he doesn't know if he wants to commit before knowing what you're facing. You are not obliged to give him the choice to do the right thing, but you aren't obliged not to.
posted by velveeta underground at 8:38 AM on February 23, 2018

You can tell him and still dump him if you don't think he's all in. Like, just because he once stayed with someone for whatever reason presumably doesn't mean he will refuse to exit the relationship if you tell him you're not having it anymore.

I think a narrative like "he's my whole world/love of my life" is not productive for you in a situation where your whole world is kind of shabby, but a lot of people get a wake up call when big bad world shit goes down. You have nothing to lose that you didn't already expect to lose by being actually, clarifyingly honest with him about your feelings and suspicions. And I think this is a great time to have a sit-down and say, "You mean so much to me and my child and I do not think you are planning to stay and I don't think you feel about us the way we do about you, can I please have your thoughts on that?" And he may be ready to tell you those thoughts right then or he may have to think it over for a few days, but once he delivers them you can say, "Thank you for your honesty. I have cancer, and I want you to stay/want you to go now."
posted by Lyn Never at 9:01 AM on February 23, 2018 [18 favorites]

Don't tell him about the cancer first before you have the big relationship talk and make that decision on its own merits. And please talk to your friends, a therapist, family, the rest of your support circles so that you and you're daughter have far more than an uncertain man to lean on in a crisis.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 10:21 AM on February 23, 2018 [2 favorites]

If you've been so close for six years, are your lives separate enough that ending your relationship would be all it would take to keep him from finding out about your illness and treatment?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:18 AM on February 23, 2018 [2 favorites]

Step 1: get your daughter a therapist and if there’s a support group for Kids whose parents have cancer at your treatment centre or they can hook you up with one, sign her up.

Step 2: mobilize your friends, her friends’ parents, etc. around her and your family at this time. “Hi Chrissy’s mum. I know Jess and Chrissy are close. I wanted to let you know, in case the girls talk, that I am entering treatment for cancer.” Just wait, offers of support will be made...take them. Consider joining a church too or other community.

These two steps are triage to make your daughter’s world bigger, because yes, she needs and deserves a bigger world. And you too.

Step 3: break up. I mean you can talk about it with your boyfriend but I don’t know why you would stay with someone you can’t tell you have cancer. I would put it just like you have here: “I have cancer. I realized I don’t feel like we are a team and that you are in it to win it. I am worried you would stay just because I have cancer. And I realized I’ve made my daughter’s and my world too small. Around you.” See what happens.

I am sorry you are having to deal with all this at once.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:57 AM on February 23, 2018 [13 favorites]

So first of all, I'm very sorry you're going through this - it sucks and my thoughts are with you.

1) Yes, I absolutely think you should tell him. It is up to him to decide what to do with that information, but there is no reason you should have to bear not just your own burden, but also the burden of worrying about how he will process that information. He's a grown adult. Don't be a martyr here; you unfortunately already have enough to deal with.

2) If he chooses to take finding out that his partner has cancer as an opportunity to break up with her, then honestly, a) he's a complete jackass, and b) he's already left you. Sorry to be so blunt. I think this is unlikely, since you said he stayed with a previous partner in a similar circumstance. This doesn't mean that he will (or should) stay forever, but the onus is on him to find the right time to change your relationship status if he feels that's necessary. Or you can, if you feel it's necessary. Again, unless he's a complete jerk, this time is not now, when your focus needs to be on you, your sister, your daughter.

3) I really like some of the advice upthread about expanding your and your daughter's 'worlds', to use your language. You will need support - both of you.

You are stronger than you think. Focus on love - your love for your daughter, your sister, your family - not fear. Easier said than done, I know, but just keep trying.
posted by widdershins at 12:43 PM on February 23, 2018 [2 favorites]