Should I let ex take me out for dinner if he makes a stink about paying?
February 22, 2018 4:29 AM Subscribe
My now-ex-boyfriend tends to "get back at me" for seemingly innocuous things, and the paying for dinner thing seems to be one of them. He wants to take me out again. Should I go?
Be prepared; it's a long one. Thanks in advance.
The Situation:
We broke up. Then we went out for a concert that we couldn't return/exchange/refund the tickets for and got food after. He pays, and then when we leave he says "so you're going to make me pay for everything, huh..."
I said "yep."
He said "well how does this work, because since we're not together, I don't think I should be paying for your food. It's one thing if we were, but there are certain privileges you don't get anymore. I felt weird about that."
Fair enough. I apologized for the misunderstanding, went to the ATM for the money, and handed it to him.
From here on, he'll be referred to as "now-ex."
Background:
We broke up because I found out, after months of being lied to (since the last time I found something out), that he was in fact speaking to his ex-wife behind my back, and not only that, but the conversation was full-on romantic. "Hey baby <3 <3 <3," kissy faces, and the like.)
All the while, I was being gaslit about it. He denied everything and got angry at me for wanting to talk about how uncomfortable I felt with their "friendship," especially having discovered texts in the year prior in which she openly flirted with him. "We're just friends, you're so insecure, you can be friends with YOUR exes, well you have lots of friends," etc. Keeping in mind, my ex before him lives on the opposite end of the planet, and we don't actually speak beyond the odd "lol" on funny facebook posts. I'm the best of friends with the ex before that, and I knew that could be misinterpreted, so I went out of my way to introduce my now-ex to the bff...
...and his boyfriend, with whom he's in a very happy and committed relationship...
...So this drama with now-ex and his ex-wife was sort of an on-and-off thing; every few months or so, ever since he called one day freaking out about how she was plotting to destroy our relationship, just when I was beginning to trust him, something else happened. Check my history for a taste of that story.
(TO BE FAIR: From what I hear from him, backed up by family members, police reports, as well as the text messages I read close to when this all started, the relationship was toxic. She was emotionally abusive and appears to be carrying on that legacy into yet another of his relationships. On one hand I can empathize, having been emotionally abused myself, but on the other hand, I'd been begging and pleading for him to do something about this for basically our entire relationship and he kept letting it happen until I found the "hey baby <3 <3 <3" stuff, and well, here we are.)
Anyway, so I break up with him. Cancel all our plans save the concert because it's non-refundable. He calls, he texts, he wants a second chance, whatever it takes, he realized the pattern and now knows that she doesn't want him being happy with anyone else but her. I tell him I'm skeptical, that I'll believe it when I see it. He blocks her. She's been blocked before though, so I ask him to prove it by TELLING her he doesn't want to speak to her anymore if that's how he truly feels. He does so, lets me read it, lets me read the responses, offers to let me go through his phone.
The next day I ask more questions and he gets angry at me because "I thought we talked about this already." Argument ensues. I'm in tears by the end of it, and hiding out in my office so nobody sees.
We broke up for two reasons. One, of course, was his ex-wife and that whole thing. The other was his temper. It didn't happen often, but sometimes he'd feel a way about something I said or did, and get back at me for it. Example: We go out to an event. I want to buy some gloves to keep my hands warm. We walk in and see someone with a hoody. He likes it and says so. We get to the kiosk. He stands behind me, silent. I get the gloves. We leave. He's upset; "you knew I wanted the hoody. You should have gotten it." I didn't get it; gloves are obviously not a hoody. I ask; "do you want to go back?" "No," he says. The event is starting and we're late. He cheers up during the event, but is still blaming me for the mixup the whole way through. When we get home, he's angry that I didn't clean up for him when I new he was coming. Then he's angry about something else, and sulks for the rest of the evening until I confront him (again) about his behavior. He apologizes, but by the next morning he's sulking again. Other incidents include the silent treatment and cursing me out via text when confronted about it. Also, full-blown temper tantrums when I ask him to stop making off-color jokes about race (via text, we were with friends.) He left and locked himself in our room and was texting me while I explained to them what's happening. "Don't pretend like you don't know what's going on," he said. Once every...3-6 months.
I know everyone finishes all of this with "but he's a really great guy," but...he was. I think what happened here was that he just never got around to properly dealing with his past, and now it's completely ruined our relationship.
Back to the story though, he agrees to give me space, and is willing to take it slow until I feel comfortable, but this concert could be our first step in getting back on good terms and possibly back together. I'm skeptical, but I miss him, so I agree. We go to the concert, we have a good time. Then we go out to get some food.
He pays, and then when we leave he says "so you're going to make me pay for everything, huh..."
I said "yep."
He said "well how does this work, because since we're not together, I don't think I should be paying for your food. It's one thing if we were, but there are certain privileges you don't get anymore. I felt weird about that."
Fair enough. I apologized for the misunderstanding, went to the ATM for the money, and handed it to him.
He spent the whole night trying to give the money back to me; "it's okay, I don't mind, it's not about the money, I just want to spend time with you."
Well then why even mention it? Why not just ask to split it in the first place? Why wait until afterwards to have this awkward conversation? It could've been as simple as "hey, want to split it?" Maybe I should have offered? He picked the check up without letting me see it, so I assumed he was paying.
We haven't met up since, and it's been over a month. He's asked to go to dinner together. I said I didn't feel comfortable going to dinner with him because I didn't want to be put in such an awkward position again, and that if he wanted to talk, we could do coffee or something simple so that there's no financial pressure there. He's insisting that it will be his treat, and that the only reason he said that was because...
...he thought I was being spiteful by "making" him pay for dinner. But that he knows now that it was a misunderstanding and apologizes.
How should I react to that? He really seems to be trying, but this whole thing about him being vindictive towards me in reaction to my being "vindictive" towards him seems dangerous in the long term. What if it escalates? What else can be perceived as being "spiteful," and what else will he do back to me because of it? Am I overreacting/overthinking? Can this be worked through? It seems like he's learned to react this way over time. Can it be unlearned?
Be prepared; it's a long one. Thanks in advance.
The Situation:
We broke up. Then we went out for a concert that we couldn't return/exchange/refund the tickets for and got food after. He pays, and then when we leave he says "so you're going to make me pay for everything, huh..."
I said "yep."
He said "well how does this work, because since we're not together, I don't think I should be paying for your food. It's one thing if we were, but there are certain privileges you don't get anymore. I felt weird about that."
Fair enough. I apologized for the misunderstanding, went to the ATM for the money, and handed it to him.
From here on, he'll be referred to as "now-ex."
Background:
We broke up because I found out, after months of being lied to (since the last time I found something out), that he was in fact speaking to his ex-wife behind my back, and not only that, but the conversation was full-on romantic. "Hey baby <3 <3 <3," kissy faces, and the like.)
All the while, I was being gaslit about it. He denied everything and got angry at me for wanting to talk about how uncomfortable I felt with their "friendship," especially having discovered texts in the year prior in which she openly flirted with him. "We're just friends, you're so insecure, you can be friends with YOUR exes, well you have lots of friends," etc. Keeping in mind, my ex before him lives on the opposite end of the planet, and we don't actually speak beyond the odd "lol" on funny facebook posts. I'm the best of friends with the ex before that, and I knew that could be misinterpreted, so I went out of my way to introduce my now-ex to the bff...
...and his boyfriend, with whom he's in a very happy and committed relationship...
...So this drama with now-ex and his ex-wife was sort of an on-and-off thing; every few months or so, ever since he called one day freaking out about how she was plotting to destroy our relationship, just when I was beginning to trust him, something else happened. Check my history for a taste of that story.
(TO BE FAIR: From what I hear from him, backed up by family members, police reports, as well as the text messages I read close to when this all started, the relationship was toxic. She was emotionally abusive and appears to be carrying on that legacy into yet another of his relationships. On one hand I can empathize, having been emotionally abused myself, but on the other hand, I'd been begging and pleading for him to do something about this for basically our entire relationship and he kept letting it happen until I found the "hey baby <3 <3 <3" stuff, and well, here we are.)
Anyway, so I break up with him. Cancel all our plans save the concert because it's non-refundable. He calls, he texts, he wants a second chance, whatever it takes, he realized the pattern and now knows that she doesn't want him being happy with anyone else but her. I tell him I'm skeptical, that I'll believe it when I see it. He blocks her. She's been blocked before though, so I ask him to prove it by TELLING her he doesn't want to speak to her anymore if that's how he truly feels. He does so, lets me read it, lets me read the responses, offers to let me go through his phone.
The next day I ask more questions and he gets angry at me because "I thought we talked about this already." Argument ensues. I'm in tears by the end of it, and hiding out in my office so nobody sees.
We broke up for two reasons. One, of course, was his ex-wife and that whole thing. The other was his temper. It didn't happen often, but sometimes he'd feel a way about something I said or did, and get back at me for it. Example: We go out to an event. I want to buy some gloves to keep my hands warm. We walk in and see someone with a hoody. He likes it and says so. We get to the kiosk. He stands behind me, silent. I get the gloves. We leave. He's upset; "you knew I wanted the hoody. You should have gotten it." I didn't get it; gloves are obviously not a hoody. I ask; "do you want to go back?" "No," he says. The event is starting and we're late. He cheers up during the event, but is still blaming me for the mixup the whole way through. When we get home, he's angry that I didn't clean up for him when I new he was coming. Then he's angry about something else, and sulks for the rest of the evening until I confront him (again) about his behavior. He apologizes, but by the next morning he's sulking again. Other incidents include the silent treatment and cursing me out via text when confronted about it. Also, full-blown temper tantrums when I ask him to stop making off-color jokes about race (via text, we were with friends.) He left and locked himself in our room and was texting me while I explained to them what's happening. "Don't pretend like you don't know what's going on," he said. Once every...3-6 months.
I know everyone finishes all of this with "but he's a really great guy," but...he was. I think what happened here was that he just never got around to properly dealing with his past, and now it's completely ruined our relationship.
Back to the story though, he agrees to give me space, and is willing to take it slow until I feel comfortable, but this concert could be our first step in getting back on good terms and possibly back together. I'm skeptical, but I miss him, so I agree. We go to the concert, we have a good time. Then we go out to get some food.
He pays, and then when we leave he says "so you're going to make me pay for everything, huh..."
I said "yep."
He said "well how does this work, because since we're not together, I don't think I should be paying for your food. It's one thing if we were, but there are certain privileges you don't get anymore. I felt weird about that."
Fair enough. I apologized for the misunderstanding, went to the ATM for the money, and handed it to him.
He spent the whole night trying to give the money back to me; "it's okay, I don't mind, it's not about the money, I just want to spend time with you."
Well then why even mention it? Why not just ask to split it in the first place? Why wait until afterwards to have this awkward conversation? It could've been as simple as "hey, want to split it?" Maybe I should have offered? He picked the check up without letting me see it, so I assumed he was paying.
We haven't met up since, and it's been over a month. He's asked to go to dinner together. I said I didn't feel comfortable going to dinner with him because I didn't want to be put in such an awkward position again, and that if he wanted to talk, we could do coffee or something simple so that there's no financial pressure there. He's insisting that it will be his treat, and that the only reason he said that was because...
...he thought I was being spiteful by "making" him pay for dinner. But that he knows now that it was a misunderstanding and apologizes.
How should I react to that? He really seems to be trying, but this whole thing about him being vindictive towards me in reaction to my being "vindictive" towards him seems dangerous in the long term. What if it escalates? What else can be perceived as being "spiteful," and what else will he do back to me because of it? Am I overreacting/overthinking? Can this be worked through? It seems like he's learned to react this way over time. Can it be unlearned?
How should I react to that?
You say thanks for reminding me of the unpleasantness of our times when we were together and giving me a preview of how further interactions with you will continue to be you trying to control me and being unpleasant.
Then block him and never see him again.
It seems like he's learned to react this way over time. Can it be unlearned?
It's not your job to raise a man child to adulthood.
posted by Karaage at 4:39 AM on February 22, 2018 [119 favorites]
You say thanks for reminding me of the unpleasantness of our times when we were together and giving me a preview of how further interactions with you will continue to be you trying to control me and being unpleasant.
Then block him and never see him again.
It seems like he's learned to react this way over time. Can it be unlearned?
It's not your job to raise a man child to adulthood.
posted by Karaage at 4:39 AM on February 22, 2018 [119 favorites]
I don’t really understand why you haven’t gone no contact. He sounds toxic. Move on, and find someone who isn’t a lying, gaslighting manipulator. You deserve better.
posted by MexicanYenta at 4:41 AM on February 22, 2018 [51 favorites]
posted by MexicanYenta at 4:41 AM on February 22, 2018 [51 favorites]
Why do you want to meet him all?
Both of you aren‘t over each other. He‘s acting out in immature passive aggressive gaslighty ways.
He‘s been pretty shitty to you both as a bf and an ex. Your break up reasons are more than justified. Expect more shitty, confusing behaviour from him. He‘s trying to wear you down with his boyfriend-no-boyfriend behaviour to make you come back to him or prove you‘re still into him or whatever. You‘re holding on to him because it‘s a hard habit to break.
You need a break from this guy to figure out where you‘re at.
Tell him no contact for 6 months and then reiterate if you still want to be friends.
posted by Omnomnom at 4:44 AM on February 22, 2018 [9 favorites]
Both of you aren‘t over each other. He‘s acting out in immature passive aggressive gaslighty ways.
He‘s been pretty shitty to you both as a bf and an ex. Your break up reasons are more than justified. Expect more shitty, confusing behaviour from him. He‘s trying to wear you down with his boyfriend-no-boyfriend behaviour to make you come back to him or prove you‘re still into him or whatever. You‘re holding on to him because it‘s a hard habit to break.
You need a break from this guy to figure out where you‘re at.
Tell him no contact for 6 months and then reiterate if you still want to be friends.
posted by Omnomnom at 4:44 AM on February 22, 2018 [9 favorites]
Ugh, no. He *says* he has changed but with his history you need to *see* demonstrated, repeated change in his patterns of behaviour. (Spoiler: you won't). All the energy you are devoting to even thinking about this guy is energy you should be putting towards yourself. You need a much longer no-contact period before socializing with him; I wouldn't go back to dating him unless you are a glutton for punishment (am I bad for thinking the txts with his ex were faked? -easily done by changing a contact name in his phone.) your description of him in the previous question was if someone who, at best, was nice to you the same level I am nice to strangers. A partner needs to be exceeding much higher standards. Girl, you can do so much with your life - don't let him drag you down!
posted by saucysault at 4:45 AM on February 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 4:45 AM on February 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
Ok, aside from the horrible way he has treated you previously you maintain “he’s great.” Only I would point out that he also makes off-color remarks about race and then gets upset when you tell him to stop. He’s not great. People who treat others like garbage and make racist comments aren’t great. They’re assholes. As a white person I’ve seen this all too often where people (usually also white although I clearly don’t know if that is the case in this particular circumstance) disregard the racist words/actions other white people say as harmless or insignificant all the while maintaining what an otherwise great person that individual really is. Nope. Just nope. Not harmless. Not great.
What should you do? Never talk to him again because he is most definitely not otherwise great.
posted by teamnap at 4:59 AM on February 22, 2018 [23 favorites]
What should you do? Never talk to him again because he is most definitely not otherwise great.
posted by teamnap at 4:59 AM on February 22, 2018 [23 favorites]
Best answer: Your life has so much room for awesome. You'll have less room for that if you let this guy back into your headspace. Seriously, full no contact. You're still caught up in the relationship you could have had together, not the one you actually did. It takes time and space and reflection to recover from gaslighting patterns, and you won't be able to do that if he's still in your sphere.
Can this be worked through? It seems like he's learned to react this way over time. Can it be unlearned?
Maybe, but his growth is not your responsibility, nor is it within your power. Let him go, and focus on correcting your own unhealthy reactions that you learned over time, namely during this relationship. He's led you to mistrust your gut instincts and feelings. Women who don't recover thise inner strengths and boundaries tend to fall into another manipulative relationship. Seriously, let him go and put your energy into you. It's Socolime time!
posted by Nancy_LockIsLit_Palmer at 5:00 AM on February 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
Can this be worked through? It seems like he's learned to react this way over time. Can it be unlearned?
Maybe, but his growth is not your responsibility, nor is it within your power. Let him go, and focus on correcting your own unhealthy reactions that you learned over time, namely during this relationship. He's led you to mistrust your gut instincts and feelings. Women who don't recover thise inner strengths and boundaries tend to fall into another manipulative relationship. Seriously, let him go and put your energy into you. It's Socolime time!
posted by Nancy_LockIsLit_Palmer at 5:00 AM on February 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
This kind of awkwardness is why people go "no contact." If you want to stay in contact, then in my opinion, you should probably cut him (and yourself) some slack for resentful feelings and awkward moments arising ("wait, why am I paying like I used to do?"). I'm assuming you all are under 30; if you're both 45, then that kind of immature behavior should be completely off the table. The reasons for breaking up sound very solid, and these kind of "i miss him and wonder if we should consider getting back together" test dates pretty much never go well or less to anything but further bad feelings (if it goes bad) or intense confusion (if it goes well), so I'd suggest you just move on.
posted by salvia at 5:05 AM on February 22, 2018
posted by salvia at 5:05 AM on February 22, 2018
He manipulated your feelings all through your relationship, and he is attempting to continue to do so. There is no reason at all for you to be in any further contact with him.
What if it escalates?
Let's assume it will. In particular, let's assume his violent temper escalates. Is that the sort of relationship you want to be in? Is that the sort of relationship you would tell a friend to be in?
What else can be perceived as being "spiteful," and what else will he do back to me because of it?
Anything and everything.
Can this be worked through? It seems like he's learned to react this way over time. Can it be unlearned?
I mean, it's possible, but let's assume that he doesn't unlearn it. Do you want to be in a relationship with him as he is now? If not, then go no contact.
I don't know what each of your financial situations are, but assuming you are not struggling to make ends meet, paying for a non-romantic friend's dinner or concert ticket is a completely reasonable thing to do, with the expectation that they will cover you next time. This isn't about the money, it's about him having some measure of control over you.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:25 AM on February 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
What if it escalates?
Let's assume it will. In particular, let's assume his violent temper escalates. Is that the sort of relationship you want to be in? Is that the sort of relationship you would tell a friend to be in?
What else can be perceived as being "spiteful," and what else will he do back to me because of it?
Anything and everything.
Can this be worked through? It seems like he's learned to react this way over time. Can it be unlearned?
I mean, it's possible, but let's assume that he doesn't unlearn it. Do you want to be in a relationship with him as he is now? If not, then go no contact.
I don't know what each of your financial situations are, but assuming you are not struggling to make ends meet, paying for a non-romantic friend's dinner or concert ticket is a completely reasonable thing to do, with the expectation that they will cover you next time. This isn't about the money, it's about him having some measure of control over you.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:25 AM on February 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
He sounds emotionally abusive, racist and cruel. The parts where he's a 'great guy' are just a cover to ramp up his manipulations and abuse. There's nothing 'great' about him.
Free yourself; block him everywhere and never speak to him again. You don't need him.
posted by queen_mob at 5:26 AM on February 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Free yourself; block him everywhere and never speak to him again. You don't need him.
posted by queen_mob at 5:26 AM on February 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Dood. Dump him again. as an ex. How on earth are you gonna be able to move on still hanging out at the baggage handling section? This is so much drama and i have a feeling this guy fucking thrives on it.
posted by speakeasy at 5:30 AM on February 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by speakeasy at 5:30 AM on February 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
Uh. Why do you want to waste time on this person. And why would you even allow this person to pay for anything for you when you've both broken up? (It creates unnecessary ambiguity about obligations, reciprocity, emotions/connections etc.). Even if he wants to pay, it just seems way more sensible to pay for yourself (you can afford to, right?) since that sends a clear message to him that you both really have broken up and you do not want to feel obligated/connected to him in any way (you don't, right?).
Just don't meet up with him at all, don't text him or talk to him, and spend your time on other nicer, healthier and more worthwhile people. Such a waste of mental/emotional energy...
Even if you want free food, there are probably nicer people to get free food from.
posted by aielen at 5:39 AM on February 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Just don't meet up with him at all, don't text him or talk to him, and spend your time on other nicer, healthier and more worthwhile people. Such a waste of mental/emotional energy...
Even if you want free food, there are probably nicer people to get free food from.
posted by aielen at 5:39 AM on February 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Do you like the drama? I read your entire question and the context seemed totally unnecessary. Just don't go out with him again. He's your ex. Your contact with each other, whether you're in a relationship or not, is full of drama. I can't imagine wanting to be friends with anyone who treated me that way. He wants to go out. So what? Say no. Unless you like drama, in which case go ahead.
posted by Polychrome at 5:40 AM on February 22, 2018 [48 favorites]
posted by Polychrome at 5:40 AM on February 22, 2018 [48 favorites]
Should I go?
No.
The great thing about being broken up with someone is you don't have to see them anymore. Don't go, and continue not going.
posted by rtha at 6:08 AM on February 22, 2018 [28 favorites]
No.
The great thing about being broken up with someone is you don't have to see them anymore. Don't go, and continue not going.
posted by rtha at 6:08 AM on February 22, 2018 [28 favorites]
Agree with Polychrome. The context you've given is all drama and unnecessary. He's not a good guy, the relationship isn't good for you. Block and move on. Your time is worth more than this.
posted by MandaSayGrr at 6:22 AM on February 22, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by MandaSayGrr at 6:22 AM on February 22, 2018 [7 favorites]
I'm not hostile to the idea of staying friends with your exes. I usually try to. My best friend is someone I used to go out with. But "try" is the operative word--if the relationship doesn't work out, there's usually reasons for that. If there's a compelling reason to be friends and breaking up didn't burn that bridge, great, stay friends. But you don't sound like friends. You aren't even describing him as a friend. You haven't put forth here anything that you're actually getting out of spending time with him. He's your ex, not your friend. Stop going out with him.
posted by Sequence at 6:26 AM on February 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Sequence at 6:26 AM on February 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Oh my god I literally had to stop reading this and go look at puppies sneezing adorably because this whole thing was giving me a panic attack. I seriously can't imagine how you can even function with such a clusterf*ck going on in your head.
Can this be worked through? It seems like he's learned to react this way over time. Can it be unlearned?
As kindly as I can, my answer to this is "Who cares?"
I feel like the bigger question here is why on earth on are you doing this to yourself? You used to go out with a person, a person who turned out to be a lying, cheating, gaslighting assh*le.
There is no reason for you to have any contact with this person at all, ever. Why are you even thinking about this and engaging with this idiot?
There are two things you can do right now. First, go no contact. Second, find a competent therapist to talk to and figure out why you are keeping this person in your life.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:33 AM on February 22, 2018 [33 favorites]
Can this be worked through? It seems like he's learned to react this way over time. Can it be unlearned?
As kindly as I can, my answer to this is "Who cares?"
I feel like the bigger question here is why on earth on are you doing this to yourself? You used to go out with a person, a person who turned out to be a lying, cheating, gaslighting assh*le.
There is no reason for you to have any contact with this person at all, ever. Why are you even thinking about this and engaging with this idiot?
There are two things you can do right now. First, go no contact. Second, find a competent therapist to talk to and figure out why you are keeping this person in your life.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:33 AM on February 22, 2018 [33 favorites]
You wrote 1,361 words of explanation when the only ones that were needed were the ones in your post title: "Should I let ex take me out for dinner if he makes a stink about paying?"
No. Of course not. Never. Don't spend your precious time and emotional energy with people who treat you this way.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 6:33 AM on February 22, 2018 [54 favorites]
No. Of course not. Never. Don't spend your precious time and emotional energy with people who treat you this way.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 6:33 AM on February 22, 2018 [54 favorites]
wtf dude. He made a big deal about paying because he wanted you to say "Yeah, we're totally hooking up after this". Because he's clearly a giant 10 year old with problematic ideas about relationships, communication, friendship, etc. But you are broken up. Why are you wasting your time with this guy? By putting up with his shenanigans you're still hanging on to the relationship in the same way he did. I can't even find it in me to be mad at him reading this story, because you don't have to expose yourself to it. The way he's interacting with you? Same for how he does with his ex wife, I'm sure. Get mad. Drop him, get good friends with whom you can have a non problematic good time.
posted by pazazygeek at 6:54 AM on February 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by pazazygeek at 6:54 AM on February 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
If I were to give him the benefit of the doubt, I would say that based on your hoodie and the dinner example, he doesn't know how to directly ask for what he wants. He wants to suggest things and have you interpret his real meaning without actually coming out to say it. This is possibly a case of "ask vs. tell" communication styles, or possibly just a horrible case of passive aggression. Either way, you two clearly do not communicate well, and likely won't learn better patterns without extensive therapy (and a joint commitment to real change). I think you should move on.
posted by PosterGirlwithNoPoster at 7:08 AM on February 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by PosterGirlwithNoPoster at 7:08 AM on February 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
None of this will happen if you stop going out with him. When you break up with people you should do it so you can stop being with them and move on. Don't break up with people to manipulate them into being better so you can get back with them.
For most people, the level of "friends" you should be with exes is "not hostile, but largely uninvolved unless there are children". You don't need to be besties, you don't need to go on dates, you're not going to win some sort of competition for people who are really exhausting about how "I'm friends with all my exes!" You sure as hell don't need to be with this particular guy, and when you go out with any person to entertainment or restaurants you should pay for yourself unless you have a STATED alternate arrangement. Stated in words, not vague gestures and secret agendas.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:26 AM on February 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
For most people, the level of "friends" you should be with exes is "not hostile, but largely uninvolved unless there are children". You don't need to be besties, you don't need to go on dates, you're not going to win some sort of competition for people who are really exhausting about how "I'm friends with all my exes!" You sure as hell don't need to be with this particular guy, and when you go out with any person to entertainment or restaurants you should pay for yourself unless you have a STATED alternate arrangement. Stated in words, not vague gestures and secret agendas.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:26 AM on February 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Don't go. But when I saw your question, I thought you were going to say he insisted on paying for you, or on you paying for him. Why wouldn't you pay for yourself, even when you were dating, but especially when you are not?
posted by pinochiette at 7:36 AM on February 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by pinochiette at 7:36 AM on February 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Wow, what? No. Not only should you not go out to dinner with him, you should block him on social media and stop responding to his texts, calls, and e-mails. This guy sucks. Stop engaging.
Maybe in five years when he's hit rock bottom and seriously worked on his issues with extensive professional help and has taken a good hard look in the mirror, he'll improve. But he's not going to improve while he can keep engaging with you and manipulating you because it's working for him, and I think chances are pretty good that he'll just go find another woman to manipulate and be nasty to. The ex-wife didn't create their relationship out of whole cloth, and he keeps CHOOSING to engage with her. This is how he is, and this is how he likes his relationships.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:39 AM on February 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Maybe in five years when he's hit rock bottom and seriously worked on his issues with extensive professional help and has taken a good hard look in the mirror, he'll improve. But he's not going to improve while he can keep engaging with you and manipulating you because it's working for him, and I think chances are pretty good that he'll just go find another woman to manipulate and be nasty to. The ex-wife didn't create their relationship out of whole cloth, and he keeps CHOOSING to engage with her. This is how he is, and this is how he likes his relationships.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:39 AM on February 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
He picked up the check without letting you see it, and then turned into a federal fucking court case that he paid for dinner. Fuck him forever. Block him. He is trash.
posted by kate blank at 7:41 AM on February 22, 2018 [14 favorites]
posted by kate blank at 7:41 AM on February 22, 2018 [14 favorites]
"I keep burning my hands on this dumpster fire; how can I better fireproof my hands?"
The answer is to leave the dumpster fire alone.
posted by French Fry at 7:55 AM on February 22, 2018 [56 favorites]
The answer is to leave the dumpster fire alone.
posted by French Fry at 7:55 AM on February 22, 2018 [56 favorites]
Why would you let him pay in the first place? Pay for yourself. You are your own responsibility. This is basic.
As for the rest, no, quit going out with him. He's your ex, you aren't together, so quit spending date-like time together. That's what it means when someone is an ex.
posted by honey wheat at 8:05 AM on February 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
As for the rest, no, quit going out with him. He's your ex, you aren't together, so quit spending date-like time together. That's what it means when someone is an ex.
posted by honey wheat at 8:05 AM on February 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Cut this guy out of your life. There is nothing to salvage here, and acting like there is will only bring you grief.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 8:13 AM on February 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 8:13 AM on February 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
"This guy keeps treating me like shit, even after I dumped him for treating me like shit. Should I see him again?"
No.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 8:29 AM on February 22, 2018 [8 favorites]
No.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 8:29 AM on February 22, 2018 [8 favorites]
Please read How To Be An Adult In A Relationship and then run like hell and don't stop until you find someone who can treat you this way.
If you want a way to think about ex, it's this: He knows exactly what he's doing. And all these things that feel weird? They're supposed to make you feel weird. They're supposed to make you feel like maybe you did something wrong. That way he has control over you. Look at how much you've been thinking about this one thing and time you've spent talking to your friends about it and talking to him about it. All because he paid for dinner. If he didn't want to pay for dinner then he shouldn't have paid for dinner. But he did it and he did it in such a way that made it impossible for you to do anything differently (unless you brought it up before the check came or whatever). He certainly wouldn't let you change it after the fact. That was on purpose. It's because it's not about dinner. It's about eliciting a response from you and making it look like you hurt him or you somehow owe him. Look at all the attention he got for it. You're still considering getting back together with him and if you did, he could still use it to hold over your head. It's working for him, why in the world would he change it?
Also read up on transactional relationships. He only does things for you because he expects something in return. He probably also has a really hard time receiving things from you because it implies that he then owes you and he never wants to be in the position where he owes you, only where you owe him.
And finally, this dude is a shit milkshake. You're better than this. Get him out of your life and go find a really good milkshake.
posted by dawkins_7 at 8:32 AM on February 22, 2018 [9 favorites]
If you want a way to think about ex, it's this: He knows exactly what he's doing. And all these things that feel weird? They're supposed to make you feel weird. They're supposed to make you feel like maybe you did something wrong. That way he has control over you. Look at how much you've been thinking about this one thing and time you've spent talking to your friends about it and talking to him about it. All because he paid for dinner. If he didn't want to pay for dinner then he shouldn't have paid for dinner. But he did it and he did it in such a way that made it impossible for you to do anything differently (unless you brought it up before the check came or whatever). He certainly wouldn't let you change it after the fact. That was on purpose. It's because it's not about dinner. It's about eliciting a response from you and making it look like you hurt him or you somehow owe him. Look at all the attention he got for it. You're still considering getting back together with him and if you did, he could still use it to hold over your head. It's working for him, why in the world would he change it?
Also read up on transactional relationships. He only does things for you because he expects something in return. He probably also has a really hard time receiving things from you because it implies that he then owes you and he never wants to be in the position where he owes you, only where you owe him.
And finally, this dude is a shit milkshake. You're better than this. Get him out of your life and go find a really good milkshake.
posted by dawkins_7 at 8:32 AM on February 22, 2018 [9 favorites]
In the absolute best case scenario, he has major problems with communication. An adult does not go sulk all day over this, then lash out again on the same topic.
Gross.
Do you want to date him again? Sounds like yeah kinda.
Should you date him again? Nooooooo
Should you hang out with him so he has more chances to talk you into dating him? Meh, up to you
posted by Jacen at 8:48 AM on February 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Gross.
Do you want to date him again? Sounds like yeah kinda.
Should you date him again? Nooooooo
Should you hang out with him so he has more chances to talk you into dating him? Meh, up to you
posted by Jacen at 8:48 AM on February 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
I mean, poop milkshake. For reals. Probably thousands of guys you could go out with, date, whatever and not have to deal with this garbage. You deserve better.
posted by disconnect at 9:15 AM on February 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by disconnect at 9:15 AM on February 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Dude, this is a LOT of baggage over a meal. As a general rule, if you need to write this much about a relationship, its time to let it go. Don't go out to eat with him.
posted by Amy93 at 9:35 AM on February 22, 2018
posted by Amy93 at 9:35 AM on February 22, 2018
If you are feeling some kind of guilt, or desire to not leave till you understand it all, remember: it's ok to say "I don't really understand what happened here, but it's clearly not working. I know that I'm really unhappy! And it's ok for me to leave a situation that makes me unhappy, even if I can't exactly pinpoint who is at fault or why this is happening."
Because it is. You don't have to understand this person, or even yourself, down to the bones to know: this isn't working. You don't want any more of it. You need to get away from it.
Later, after you have some distance, sure, reexamine it, see if you can understand the patterns, talk it over via therapy, what have you. But you have to get away from it first or you're just chasing your tail.
posted by emjaybee at 9:38 AM on February 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
Because it is. You don't have to understand this person, or even yourself, down to the bones to know: this isn't working. You don't want any more of it. You need to get away from it.
Later, after you have some distance, sure, reexamine it, see if you can understand the patterns, talk it over via therapy, what have you. But you have to get away from it first or you're just chasing your tail.
posted by emjaybee at 9:38 AM on February 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
1. No
2. I grew up with drama and I was addicted to it for awhile. One of the ways I weaned myself from drama in my own life was to see a therapist; start going to Al-Anon meetings, which are for the friends and family members of alcoholics and addicts; and to religiously read AskMe.
Seriously, if I started to feel kind of restless and itchy, like things were kind of too good or too calm in my life (that's not how it felt consciously, but that is what I was feeling), I would read AskMe questions from people who had way too much fucking drama in their lives. And it would remind me that I had a choice, and I could keep poking the bear (or go find another bear to poke) or I could just, you know, not poke the bear.
I don't poke bears any more. You can stop, too, if you like. It is not easy, but oh my god, life becomes a thousand times better when you stop poking bears and kiss manufactured drama goodbye. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 10:08 AM on February 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
2. I grew up with drama and I was addicted to it for awhile. One of the ways I weaned myself from drama in my own life was to see a therapist; start going to Al-Anon meetings, which are for the friends and family members of alcoholics and addicts; and to religiously read AskMe.
Seriously, if I started to feel kind of restless and itchy, like things were kind of too good or too calm in my life (that's not how it felt consciously, but that is what I was feeling), I would read AskMe questions from people who had way too much fucking drama in their lives. And it would remind me that I had a choice, and I could keep poking the bear (or go find another bear to poke) or I could just, you know, not poke the bear.
I don't poke bears any more. You can stop, too, if you like. It is not easy, but oh my god, life becomes a thousand times better when you stop poking bears and kiss manufactured drama goodbye. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 10:08 AM on February 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
I don’t pretend to know his motivations. He might be manipulating you on purpose. He might not know what he wants in any given moment. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. He is acting like a shit and you don’t need that. You guys broke up, so be broken up. Some exes can handle going out for dinner, but that doesn’t matter. You guys can’t.
You seem to harbor some hope of getting back together, and I think that’s putting you in a position where you’re letting him treat you badly just in case it works out eventually. The chances of him changing are spectacularly small. Please quit wasting your time on this guy. He is not worth it.
posted by FencingGal at 10:19 AM on February 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
You seem to harbor some hope of getting back together, and I think that’s putting you in a position where you’re letting him treat you badly just in case it works out eventually. The chances of him changing are spectacularly small. Please quit wasting your time on this guy. He is not worth it.
posted by FencingGal at 10:19 AM on February 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
He sounds manipulative and unpleasant. He has shown you he's not very honest. Dinner will feel like a date. Don't. If you want to stay friends, meet for coffee, maybe lunch. Bring cash, ask for separate checks. Ask yourself: what do I really want from him? Would he actually be a good friend? Don't ask yourself what he wants; you can never be sure of knowing that. It should stop being about him and start being about you. I would keep it a not-close friendship.
posted by theora55 at 10:48 AM on February 22, 2018
posted by theora55 at 10:48 AM on February 22, 2018
You and this boy should never see each other, talk to each other, phone, fax, or email each other, be in the same room, building, neighborhood or town. The only reason either of you should remember the other exists is so that you can give each other a wide berth if you happen to be in the same area at the same room. As the song goes, you haven't got time for the pain.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:49 AM on February 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:49 AM on February 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
You broke up with him for reasons that are real and still exist. Now you can stop seeing him or worrying about how to handle him because he's a jerk and soaking up way too much of your mental and emotional space. Be free!
posted by spindrifter at 1:13 PM on February 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by spindrifter at 1:13 PM on February 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
You're playing this for the drama.
So stop being a drama queen and start trying to figure what adult relationships look like.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:20 PM on February 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
So stop being a drama queen and start trying to figure what adult relationships look like.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:20 PM on February 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Why are you still hanging out with him? You broke up with him because he's an ass, and he's still an ass. The thing about him "making a stink about paying" is irrelevant. You shouldn't be going out to dinner with him either way. The who-pays-for-what question seems to be the least of the problems here.
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:34 PM on February 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:34 PM on February 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
To put this in context:
He's your ex
He's racist
He's abusive
He's a gaslighter
He uses his temper to control you
And he gets mad when you won't pay for the privilege of spending time with him?
If it were me, I'd find a way to travel back in time and break up with him the first time he tried that shit. Please - you deserve better. Go no contact. Future you will be so happy you did.
posted by Space Kitty at 1:53 PM on February 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
He's your ex
He's racist
He's abusive
He's a gaslighter
He uses his temper to control you
And he gets mad when you won't pay for the privilege of spending time with him?
If it were me, I'd find a way to travel back in time and break up with him the first time he tried that shit. Please - you deserve better. Go no contact. Future you will be so happy you did.
posted by Space Kitty at 1:53 PM on February 22, 2018 [5 favorites]
I was exhausted by the end of your story, and I was only having to read it. Aren't you exhausting having to live it? You know you don't have to anymore, right?
posted by palomar at 2:36 PM on February 22, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by palomar at 2:36 PM on February 22, 2018 [6 favorites]
Best answer: This recent question has superficially different details,
but actually is EXACTLY THE SAME AS YOUR QUESTION IN EVERY IMPORTANT WAY.
Read it, and maybe it will give you enough perspective to help you see what a terrible loop you're stuck in.
Also - in the answers to that question, soelo linked to this incredibly insightful Ask Polly question about the House Of Mirrors and the Nowhere Plans, which may help you understand why you find this asshole ex so addictive.
Your question alone is an impenetrable wall of terrible... living that, not to mention the other thousand awful things he's done that you didn't have time to tell us.... it would be utter misery. You truly deserve better. Relationships should ADD STRENGTH to your life, not sap your strength as you worry, and decode bullshit games for hours a week.
Please get away from this asshole forever.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:50 PM on February 22, 2018 [11 favorites]
but actually is EXACTLY THE SAME AS YOUR QUESTION IN EVERY IMPORTANT WAY.
Read it, and maybe it will give you enough perspective to help you see what a terrible loop you're stuck in.
Also - in the answers to that question, soelo linked to this incredibly insightful Ask Polly question about the House Of Mirrors and the Nowhere Plans, which may help you understand why you find this asshole ex so addictive.
Your question alone is an impenetrable wall of terrible... living that, not to mention the other thousand awful things he's done that you didn't have time to tell us.... it would be utter misery. You truly deserve better. Relationships should ADD STRENGTH to your life, not sap your strength as you worry, and decode bullshit games for hours a week.
Please get away from this asshole forever.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:50 PM on February 22, 2018 [11 favorites]
What should you do? Well, I don't know, how long would you like to be treated badly for? Does another six months sound good or would you like it to be over today?
posted by Jubey at 3:22 PM on February 22, 2018
posted by Jubey at 3:22 PM on February 22, 2018
The only thing looking at your history indicates is that you need to really examine why it is that you've been involving yourself in unnecessary drama with men for some time now, and why you feel the need to keep talking to your exes.
No, don't go to dinner with him.
Can it be unlearned?
Perhaps, but not with you.
posted by Everydayville at 4:49 PM on February 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
No, don't go to dinner with him.
Can it be unlearned?
Perhaps, but not with you.
posted by Everydayville at 4:49 PM on February 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Why are you hanging out with him? He sounds terrible. Stop hanging out with him.
posted by sarcasticah at 6:12 PM on February 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by sarcasticah at 6:12 PM on February 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
I was going to link to that Dear Polly about the black hole funhouse of crazy but pseudostrabismus beat me to it. You need to ask yourself why you keep involving yourself in this kind of completely unnecessary drama. Non-refundable tickets do not actually mean that you have an inescapable social obligation to go to the event. You need to take a detox from this guy’s emotional abuse and his manufactured crises that he’s trained you to treat like real emergencies. You don’t deserve to be abused and jerked around like this. Block him on all social media and on your phone, excise him completely from your life. He is not a good guy. Breaking up with him was a good step, you can keep going in a direction that will get you to a place where you can be loved and cherished without these kinds of abusive mind games.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 2:44 AM on February 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by moonlight on vermont at 2:44 AM on February 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
Why did he think you should buy him a hoody? Does he have his own money? Are you his mom?
This is a person who just randomly decides he wants to be mad at you for something, and then won't be talked out of it with reality.
Don't get back with him, and dump him again for good measure.
posted by ctmf at 7:03 PM on February 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
This is a person who just randomly decides he wants to be mad at you for something, and then won't be talked out of it with reality.
Don't get back with him, and dump him again for good measure.
posted by ctmf at 7:03 PM on February 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: FOLLOWUP/UPDATE
This is pretty embarrassing you guys, but it's over. The dumpster fire has been extinguished. I'm not going back.
Here's how it happened:
After writing this question, ex and I had many long talks about all the things that had gone wrong in the relationship, and over the course of four months, I was convinced that this time things would be better. He wasn't just saying it, he was showing it. So we got back together in late April. For a while, everything with us was fine.
But the rest of my life was incredibly stressful. Work problems, health problems, hair falling out, not sure if I can keep my apartment, etc. All at the same time. So, things were particularly nasty one day, and I called him about it while I was out at lunch but we only got to talk for like 5 minutes, so I called him when I got back home so I could tell him the whole story. He completely ignores what I said and changes the topic to talk about the weather. When I ask why, he goes off-- "You're always down about something, you're such a downer and so what, that means I have to be a downer too? You're always down about something, you don't want to talk about anything else!" I did think negativity was starting to be a main theme in my life, especially with all the issues I was having (a thought I had earlier in the day, all on my own), so I didn't think too much of it, although I did speak to him about how it was hurtful for him to say it that way, and to shout and be so dismissive. His response was that he didn't say it like that, and the way I'm saying it makes him sound like he's being disrespectful. Whatever. Anyway, we move on, everything seems ok.
Until I catch him in yet another lie about being at home when his social media pinned him as being out of the state.
I wasn't upset at first, I figured he was out visiting family or something. It was when he tried lying about it that things took a turn for the worst. The last time he had done this, he was out with his ex. I freaked out about it (not my best hour, I know), and then he froze me out the whole next day, didn't answer any of my calls, etc, and then broke up with me over the phone, saying he didn't want to keep hurting me but we could still be friends and he needed space to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. I cried, I begged, I pleaded. In the end, he needed space but said he'd check in every so often to keep me updated. But then he still called every other day, and that's when it fiiiiiiiinally clicked.
Because he was checking in with his previous ex every day. Calling, texting, sending hearts and kissy faces, while he was with me, being intimate with me, staying at my place. It made me think differently about her, because immediately I felt like "no way in hell am I going to be strung along like this while he bangs some new girl." It was a flicker of my old self, but I still had some hope, so I kept at it for the first week. The second week, I started to get optimistic about dating other guys. The third week I really took a good look at the healthy/happy relationships around me, and how I couldn't imagine that person EVER disrespecting their partner like that, or being ok with that level of deceit and manipulation. Today starts week 4. I'm still not completely over it, because I had such high hopes, and as silly as it sounds, to me, it really was as simple as "hey maybe if you stop doing all of this shady stuff, we'd be amazing! Look how amazingly we work when you stop doing shady stuff! Please stop!" Like "look how easily you get to sleep when you turn the lights out! Why not just turn the lights out?" But by now, I had already seriously begun to question what I was fighting for, and what I was waiting for. I missed one phone call from him, and texted back the next day, and haven't heard back in nearly a week. It still hurts to lose him. The good parts really were great.
The good thing in all of this is that I never stopped going toward my dreams while all of this was hitting the fan. And I feel like I'm exactly where I was meant to be right now. I'm in a financial position to quit my job and pursue my dreams full time. My hair is growing back, I can stay where I am living situation wise, and more and more I'm just noticing how much more time and energy I have now, and how much time I actually spent sitting and thinking about all of this, and how it took away from my life. I may ask other questions later to help me process the whole thing, and I hope you don't mind. But thanks everyone for your input. It really means a lot. The future looks really bright for me, and I look forward to it.
posted by Socolime at 5:26 PM on August 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
This is pretty embarrassing you guys, but it's over. The dumpster fire has been extinguished. I'm not going back.
Here's how it happened:
After writing this question, ex and I had many long talks about all the things that had gone wrong in the relationship, and over the course of four months, I was convinced that this time things would be better. He wasn't just saying it, he was showing it. So we got back together in late April. For a while, everything with us was fine.
But the rest of my life was incredibly stressful. Work problems, health problems, hair falling out, not sure if I can keep my apartment, etc. All at the same time. So, things were particularly nasty one day, and I called him about it while I was out at lunch but we only got to talk for like 5 minutes, so I called him when I got back home so I could tell him the whole story. He completely ignores what I said and changes the topic to talk about the weather. When I ask why, he goes off-- "You're always down about something, you're such a downer and so what, that means I have to be a downer too? You're always down about something, you don't want to talk about anything else!" I did think negativity was starting to be a main theme in my life, especially with all the issues I was having (a thought I had earlier in the day, all on my own), so I didn't think too much of it, although I did speak to him about how it was hurtful for him to say it that way, and to shout and be so dismissive. His response was that he didn't say it like that, and the way I'm saying it makes him sound like he's being disrespectful. Whatever. Anyway, we move on, everything seems ok.
Until I catch him in yet another lie about being at home when his social media pinned him as being out of the state.
I wasn't upset at first, I figured he was out visiting family or something. It was when he tried lying about it that things took a turn for the worst. The last time he had done this, he was out with his ex. I freaked out about it (not my best hour, I know), and then he froze me out the whole next day, didn't answer any of my calls, etc, and then broke up with me over the phone, saying he didn't want to keep hurting me but we could still be friends and he needed space to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. I cried, I begged, I pleaded. In the end, he needed space but said he'd check in every so often to keep me updated. But then he still called every other day, and that's when it fiiiiiiiinally clicked.
Because he was checking in with his previous ex every day. Calling, texting, sending hearts and kissy faces, while he was with me, being intimate with me, staying at my place. It made me think differently about her, because immediately I felt like "no way in hell am I going to be strung along like this while he bangs some new girl." It was a flicker of my old self, but I still had some hope, so I kept at it for the first week. The second week, I started to get optimistic about dating other guys. The third week I really took a good look at the healthy/happy relationships around me, and how I couldn't imagine that person EVER disrespecting their partner like that, or being ok with that level of deceit and manipulation. Today starts week 4. I'm still not completely over it, because I had such high hopes, and as silly as it sounds, to me, it really was as simple as "hey maybe if you stop doing all of this shady stuff, we'd be amazing! Look how amazingly we work when you stop doing shady stuff! Please stop!" Like "look how easily you get to sleep when you turn the lights out! Why not just turn the lights out?" But by now, I had already seriously begun to question what I was fighting for, and what I was waiting for. I missed one phone call from him, and texted back the next day, and haven't heard back in nearly a week. It still hurts to lose him. The good parts really were great.
The good thing in all of this is that I never stopped going toward my dreams while all of this was hitting the fan. And I feel like I'm exactly where I was meant to be right now. I'm in a financial position to quit my job and pursue my dreams full time. My hair is growing back, I can stay where I am living situation wise, and more and more I'm just noticing how much more time and energy I have now, and how much time I actually spent sitting and thinking about all of this, and how it took away from my life. I may ask other questions later to help me process the whole thing, and I hope you don't mind. But thanks everyone for your input. It really means a lot. The future looks really bright for me, and I look forward to it.
posted by Socolime at 5:26 PM on August 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by amro at 4:36 AM on February 22, 2018 [100 favorites]