Family boycotting LGBT wedding. Help me not cry.
February 20, 2018 11:35 PM Subscribe
So I’m queer and my family does not “support” my sexuality and are therefore not coming to my wedding, which is in 90 days. How do I cope with how family oriented weddings are by nature? Practical advice needed.
Fiancé’s entire family, including out of the country relatives are coming. I’m jealous of this. I also know this is my family’s bullshit not mine, but I’m still very deeply ashamed of myself. I think I seem like a bad person.
And planning the wedding feels like people asking about family stuff and me having to say again and again there is no family for me. Vendors planning seating, DJ’s asking about daddy daughter dances, bridesmaids wondering what my mom will think about my dress. It hurts a lot.
Is there a smooth way to minimize the chances of guests bringing this up day of? Partner doesn’t seem to really get how much this hurts. Also any practical advice of quick things to say to vendors when they ask about my family? I feel like a rehearsed line would help. Tips on things to replace my side's family dances and speeches with also welcome. Finally, any tips for how to let partner enjoy their family while not feeling horribly alone?
I’m starting therapy next week. Partner and I just started in couple’s therapy. I plan to bring this up next session.
Fiancé’s entire family, including out of the country relatives are coming. I’m jealous of this. I also know this is my family’s bullshit not mine, but I’m still very deeply ashamed of myself. I think I seem like a bad person.
And planning the wedding feels like people asking about family stuff and me having to say again and again there is no family for me. Vendors planning seating, DJ’s asking about daddy daughter dances, bridesmaids wondering what my mom will think about my dress. It hurts a lot.
Is there a smooth way to minimize the chances of guests bringing this up day of? Partner doesn’t seem to really get how much this hurts. Also any practical advice of quick things to say to vendors when they ask about my family? I feel like a rehearsed line would help. Tips on things to replace my side's family dances and speeches with also welcome. Finally, any tips for how to let partner enjoy their family while not feeling horribly alone?
I’m starting therapy next week. Partner and I just started in couple’s therapy. I plan to bring this up next session.
I agree with Unsomnambulist. It's sadly common enough that people will totally understand if you just say "Unfortunately, my family doesn't support my same sex marriage." Do you have any older friends that are a role model for you that you might want to join you for those family things? Like, someone to give a speech, someone to stand up and dance with you. If someone asked me, I would be so honored, so don't be shy about asking. And congratulations! I hope you and your partner have a wonderful day and a long and loving marriage!
posted by Foam Pants at 12:20 AM on February 21, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by Foam Pants at 12:20 AM on February 21, 2018 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I, personally, am 0% married, so keep that in mind, but --
You're getting married. Your partner's family is your family now, too. Sure, your side is bailing and that sucks. It seems like you're taking good steps to make that hurt less. But everyone on your partner's side is there for you, too.
Invite your friends. At the wedding, spend time with the people who will make you happiest, and drag them around as you meet all the members of your (new) family -- who showed up for you, on your wedding day, however poorly you might have known them before.
posted by Rinku at 12:26 AM on February 21, 2018 [63 favorites]
You're getting married. Your partner's family is your family now, too. Sure, your side is bailing and that sucks. It seems like you're taking good steps to make that hurt less. But everyone on your partner's side is there for you, too.
Invite your friends. At the wedding, spend time with the people who will make you happiest, and drag them around as you meet all the members of your (new) family -- who showed up for you, on your wedding day, however poorly you might have known them before.
posted by Rinku at 12:26 AM on February 21, 2018 [63 favorites]
"We are estranged" should cover it without having to explain over and over, which would make me very upset. Plus it's formal enough it should stop people from prying further.
I'm so sorry, but Rinku is right that you are marrying into what sounds like a terrific family so I say be open to that happiness even if it's bittersweet on the day.
posted by fshgrl at 12:34 AM on February 21, 2018 [14 favorites]
I'm so sorry, but Rinku is right that you are marrying into what sounds like a terrific family so I say be open to that happiness even if it's bittersweet on the day.
posted by fshgrl at 12:34 AM on February 21, 2018 [14 favorites]
Partner doesn’t seem to really get how much this hurts.
My sympathies. On the off-chance your partner could have an a-ha moment if it were framed differently: "Pain of ostracism can be deep, long-lasting"; "A pain, by any other name (rejection, exclusion, ostracism), still hurts the same: The role of dorsal anterior cingulate cortex in social and physical pain." But I wonder if you have to have been shunned to really get it.
I don't have much advice about how to handle the wedding (except: congrats!!!), but the coincidence that your family's behavior is inducing unwarranted feelings of shame whereas your partner's family sounds super welcoming makes me wonder if reading/watching Brené Brown could be on point: I think she focuses on circumstances where this arises internally instead of having it put on you by others, but coping with shame and embracing terrifying moments of social exposure are both still sort of her things.
posted by Wobbuffet at 12:34 AM on February 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
My sympathies. On the off-chance your partner could have an a-ha moment if it were framed differently: "Pain of ostracism can be deep, long-lasting"; "A pain, by any other name (rejection, exclusion, ostracism), still hurts the same: The role of dorsal anterior cingulate cortex in social and physical pain." But I wonder if you have to have been shunned to really get it.
I don't have much advice about how to handle the wedding (except: congrats!!!), but the coincidence that your family's behavior is inducing unwarranted feelings of shame whereas your partner's family sounds super welcoming makes me wonder if reading/watching Brené Brown could be on point: I think she focuses on circumstances where this arises internally instead of having it put on you by others, but coping with shame and embracing terrifying moments of social exposure are both still sort of her things.
posted by Wobbuffet at 12:34 AM on February 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
Your entire family is blacklisting your wedding and your future spouse genuinely doesn't understand why this would hurt you? Are they always this obtuse or is this lack of empathy a new thing? For me this would be just as hurtful if not more than the issue at hand and as you've mentioned might be worth a deeper discussion in therapy, before you two make it permanent.
Onto the issue at hand, so far as daddy daughter dances, I didn't have one because we had our own issues. No one commented and it wasn't even noticed. If you still want a memorable dance, do you have a father figure or brother from another mother stand in? I bet they'd be tickled pink to be asked. Same for the speeches. These days, weddings are pretty much anything goes. You might even pass the mic around and see who wants to say a few words. And yes, considering how your family feels, thank goodness they don't get to make a speech. Blessing in disguise. (I didn't dodge that bullet and I wish I had.)
And finally, your family are pulling out of this to make a statement and get you where it hurts the most. I would do my absolute damnedest to make it the night of your life because it's your wedding and you deserve it and because that power to affect your happiness should never go to the people who deserve it the least. It's their loss and I bet they'll regret not going.
Congratulations, I wish the two of you a lifetime of happiness. You're now each other's family.
posted by Jubey at 12:57 AM on February 21, 2018 [50 favorites]
Onto the issue at hand, so far as daddy daughter dances, I didn't have one because we had our own issues. No one commented and it wasn't even noticed. If you still want a memorable dance, do you have a father figure or brother from another mother stand in? I bet they'd be tickled pink to be asked. Same for the speeches. These days, weddings are pretty much anything goes. You might even pass the mic around and see who wants to say a few words. And yes, considering how your family feels, thank goodness they don't get to make a speech. Blessing in disguise. (I didn't dodge that bullet and I wish I had.)
And finally, your family are pulling out of this to make a statement and get you where it hurts the most. I would do my absolute damnedest to make it the night of your life because it's your wedding and you deserve it and because that power to affect your happiness should never go to the people who deserve it the least. It's their loss and I bet they'll regret not going.
Congratulations, I wish the two of you a lifetime of happiness. You're now each other's family.
posted by Jubey at 12:57 AM on February 21, 2018 [50 favorites]
I was going to say something not unlike Rinku did. I've never gotten married either, so my suggestions are more hopeful than informed! If Jubey is right and weddings are a lot more anything-goes these days, lean into that. I bet a good wedding planner with an LGBT clientele will be able to offer all sorts of helpful tips about how to proceed. At this point many people have had to deal with issues like these, so there may well be established protocols for every question you've got about how to handle the ceremony. (But again, I've never married and this may be naive advice on my part.)
Embrace your new family, and your friends. I like to think they'll look at how your family of origin is failing to support you and they'll work extra hard to be there for you.
If your partner isn't really registering how much this hurts you, that's a real problem. I think you need to be blunt, if you haven't already, and say, "This hurts so much." It sounds like you're swallowing a lot of pain here, feeling like they're not supporting you and feeling envious about their family, and that's really not a situation you want to be in with somebody you're about to marry.
Being rejected by your family like this is a truly awful thing, and I'm so sorry you're going through it. Starting therapy is an excellent idea. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being in love and wanting to get married, and a therapist can help you work through the confusion and pain of this ugly, fucked up thing your family is doing. I hope you have a truly wonderful wedding day!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:13 AM on February 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
Embrace your new family, and your friends. I like to think they'll look at how your family of origin is failing to support you and they'll work extra hard to be there for you.
If your partner isn't really registering how much this hurts you, that's a real problem. I think you need to be blunt, if you haven't already, and say, "This hurts so much." It sounds like you're swallowing a lot of pain here, feeling like they're not supporting you and feeling envious about their family, and that's really not a situation you want to be in with somebody you're about to marry.
Being rejected by your family like this is a truly awful thing, and I'm so sorry you're going through it. Starting therapy is an excellent idea. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being in love and wanting to get married, and a therapist can help you work through the confusion and pain of this ugly, fucked up thing your family is doing. I hope you have a truly wonderful wedding day!
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:13 AM on February 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
Get your friends to take those roles for the day. Your closest friends are now your brothers and sisters. Have an older friend, or an old and dear friend of the family? Ask them to be your mom or dad for the day. They will be honoured, really. Chosen family can be wonderful.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:21 AM on February 21, 2018 [21 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:21 AM on February 21, 2018 [21 favorites]
You're not a bad person. You don't deserve this. But you are strong and brave, and you can deal with it.
Sidestep vendor questions with an oblique, "We prefer a nontraditional wedding, so we won't be doing that." The more decisively you set the tone of arrangements, the less you'll be bothered. "Oh, I'm not interested in that. We're going to do things like this..."
As for bridesmaids... aren't these your or your partner's people? Why don't they know about your situation? Let them rally around you in support. There's no shame in chosen family. Many of us get by with the love of our friends. Your fiancé needs to be quietly cluing folks in and doing their part to make this easy for you. Make this wedding about the people who *do* support you.
Why not upend binary tradition. Mix the seating so there are no "sides." You don't have to balance things by taking turns with speeches or dances. Get rid of these parts or give them to friends. You can do or not do your ceremony any way you want.
posted by fritillary at 2:21 AM on February 21, 2018 [28 favorites]
Sidestep vendor questions with an oblique, "We prefer a nontraditional wedding, so we won't be doing that." The more decisively you set the tone of arrangements, the less you'll be bothered. "Oh, I'm not interested in that. We're going to do things like this..."
As for bridesmaids... aren't these your or your partner's people? Why don't they know about your situation? Let them rally around you in support. There's no shame in chosen family. Many of us get by with the love of our friends. Your fiancé needs to be quietly cluing folks in and doing their part to make this easy for you. Make this wedding about the people who *do* support you.
Why not upend binary tradition. Mix the seating so there are no "sides." You don't have to balance things by taking turns with speeches or dances. Get rid of these parts or give them to friends. You can do or not do your ceremony any way you want.
posted by fritillary at 2:21 AM on February 21, 2018 [28 favorites]
Looking back, we had what in some ways was a traditional cis m/f wedding, but for reasons there were certain things that we really didn't want to do. So, our "speeches" were out on the lawn at the back of the reception venue, and happened as soon as everyone had arrived and got a drink in their hand. Instead of some whole Father Of The Bride Speech scenario, my brother-in-law sang a song that he'd written about his sister. There was absolutely no Seating Plan - everyone took a plate, got food, and sat with whoever they'd already met over drinks. We had a kind of awkward first dance to a song that means a lot to us, but as soon as we were a few bars in, we beckoned a bunch of others onto the dance floor to join in.
So many people (some of whom are quite old-school) said afterwards that they loved the whole day - and that really meant a lot to us. It's the feeling of love & celebration that you & your guests all bring to the occasion that makes it what it is, not your adherence to a pattern of what someone else expects.
Good luck & congratulations. I wish you & your future spouse all the happiness that you deserve.
posted by rd45 at 3:10 AM on February 21, 2018 [6 favorites]
So many people (some of whom are quite old-school) said afterwards that they loved the whole day - and that really meant a lot to us. It's the feeling of love & celebration that you & your guests all bring to the occasion that makes it what it is, not your adherence to a pattern of what someone else expects.
Good luck & congratulations. I wish you & your future spouse all the happiness that you deserve.
posted by rd45 at 3:10 AM on February 21, 2018 [6 favorites]
I recently got married, and neither party had family present for reasons (his family is from Pakistan and I'm a white atheist). The situation sucks - I felt rejected and alone.... but then we invited friends - from college, from grad school, from work - and it was a BLAST.
I would invite as many people as your partner does, but just go for friends and people who get overlooked sometimes in wedding planning. I invited 6 people I feel close to at work, even if we don't hang out much outside work. I invited former students. They all supported me and we're happy to be there. My roommate and best friends did all the toasts, and they were amazing.
Tl,dr; ensure that you get to pick as many guests for 'your side' as your partner. Have a blast at your friend-filled wedding!
posted by thelastpolarbear at 4:06 AM on February 21, 2018 [13 favorites]
I would invite as many people as your partner does, but just go for friends and people who get overlooked sometimes in wedding planning. I invited 6 people I feel close to at work, even if we don't hang out much outside work. I invited former students. They all supported me and we're happy to be there. My roommate and best friends did all the toasts, and they were amazing.
Tl,dr; ensure that you get to pick as many guests for 'your side' as your partner. Have a blast at your friend-filled wedding!
posted by thelastpolarbear at 4:06 AM on February 21, 2018 [13 favorites]
Do you have, or can you assign, an absolute shark of a wedding planner/handler? Maybe a professional LGBT-friendly wedding planner who can be your go-between and show runner. Or a trusted friend who can help you field questions and shut down bothersome conversation. Ideally, you'll have someone on your side who understands your situation, doesn't mind getting a bit mean on your behalf, and can support you.
It's awesome that you've got individual AND couple's therapy handled already! If you've never tried meditation, that could be a huge help as well (probably something to run by your therapist).
At your wedding, can you enjoy your partner's family WITH them? Make the rounds with them, chat with everybody if you like to socialize, but bring along your protector to shut stuff down and get you out of there if necessary. Or, if you like to dance and have friends who like to dance, do what I did and avoid 99% of socializing by spending the whole time on the dance floor. You don't have to be good at dancing, and you may find that the most unexpected people have the most interesting dance moves.
If you want to keep the "traditional" parent-child dances, you could dance with your in-law if you and they are comfortable with that. Or, if you have any parentalish relationships, like a mentor, that might be an option. Also, it can be nice to follow those dances with a special dance: a couple or couples who have been together a long time, maybe your SO's grandparents if applicable. Just make sure those people are on board with it beforehand. (If it's one couple, you could have the dj play their wedding or special song.)
Final thought: is there a private room at your venue? Lots of places have a room reserved (usually it's "the bride's room") that has some seating and a bathroom. Find out where that is, or see if there's a way for you to have some private space during the wedding. Extra good if you can stock it with things that make you calm and happy (e.g. scents, a weighed blanket, a foot bath). That way, if you need to, you can escape briefly.
posted by Baethan at 4:22 AM on February 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
It's awesome that you've got individual AND couple's therapy handled already! If you've never tried meditation, that could be a huge help as well (probably something to run by your therapist).
At your wedding, can you enjoy your partner's family WITH them? Make the rounds with them, chat with everybody if you like to socialize, but bring along your protector to shut stuff down and get you out of there if necessary. Or, if you like to dance and have friends who like to dance, do what I did and avoid 99% of socializing by spending the whole time on the dance floor. You don't have to be good at dancing, and you may find that the most unexpected people have the most interesting dance moves.
If you want to keep the "traditional" parent-child dances, you could dance with your in-law if you and they are comfortable with that. Or, if you have any parentalish relationships, like a mentor, that might be an option. Also, it can be nice to follow those dances with a special dance: a couple or couples who have been together a long time, maybe your SO's grandparents if applicable. Just make sure those people are on board with it beforehand. (If it's one couple, you could have the dj play their wedding or special song.)
Final thought: is there a private room at your venue? Lots of places have a room reserved (usually it's "the bride's room") that has some seating and a bathroom. Find out where that is, or see if there's a way for you to have some private space during the wedding. Extra good if you can stock it with things that make you calm and happy (e.g. scents, a weighed blanket, a foot bath). That way, if you need to, you can escape briefly.
posted by Baethan at 4:22 AM on February 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
When you call to set up an appointment with a potential vendor, let them know the situation (I like the "we're estranged" wording above), so they can have a heads up before your appointment, and be able to offer more appropriate suggestions.
Congratulations on your wedding!
posted by msbubbaclees at 5:07 AM on February 21, 2018
Congratulations on your wedding!
posted by msbubbaclees at 5:07 AM on February 21, 2018
1. I like “we’re estranged” but I think your partner should be talking to the vendors about this in advance or at the beginning of the tour/meeting etc. There’s no reason that you should carry that full weight.
2. The two general approaches would be get friends to take those roles, or redesign the traditions. For example you can walk down the aisle together, skip the parent dance, and minimize speeches. From someone who had a very traditional wedding: you don’t have to buy into traditions that make you feel bad! Find other opportunities for your partner’s family to participate.
3. If you can, take some time before the wedding to really sit with the grief. Your family is being incredibly lousy to you and that is horrible. I would set aside an afternoon to feel that, write angry letters and burn them (literally), burn sage, prick heteronormative dolls with rainbow pins, whatever. That said, you may still have feelings and that’s ok...ask for hugs. It is not a betrayal of your partner or your wedding day to be sad about sad things.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:25 AM on February 21, 2018 [12 favorites]
2. The two general approaches would be get friends to take those roles, or redesign the traditions. For example you can walk down the aisle together, skip the parent dance, and minimize speeches. From someone who had a very traditional wedding: you don’t have to buy into traditions that make you feel bad! Find other opportunities for your partner’s family to participate.
3. If you can, take some time before the wedding to really sit with the grief. Your family is being incredibly lousy to you and that is horrible. I would set aside an afternoon to feel that, write angry letters and burn them (literally), burn sage, prick heteronormative dolls with rainbow pins, whatever. That said, you may still have feelings and that’s ok...ask for hugs. It is not a betrayal of your partner or your wedding day to be sad about sad things.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:25 AM on February 21, 2018 [12 favorites]
Queer folks know that sometimes--often--fellow queers focus on found or chosen family rather than birth family. Whatever the reason, at lot of us have or know people whose families are not in their lives or who have limited roles.
When my wife and I were planning our wedding, we didn't start with the typical wedding checklist. We started from scratch. What did we like? What did we want? This actually eliminated a lot of the typical FAMILY roles, like walking (which one of us??) down the aisle, giving away the bride (again, which one? both?), special dances (we ditched dancing altogether; not our thing). We asked close friends to take on special roles, like being part of getting dressed & doing hair, presiding over the ceremony or organizing a particular activity.
If you are creating a more traditional wedding, find people among your chosen family--whether they are friends, mentors and people in you life or the newfound family of your spouse-to-be.
posted by carrioncomfort at 5:40 AM on February 21, 2018 [8 favorites]
When my wife and I were planning our wedding, we didn't start with the typical wedding checklist. We started from scratch. What did we like? What did we want? This actually eliminated a lot of the typical FAMILY roles, like walking (which one of us??) down the aisle, giving away the bride (again, which one? both?), special dances (we ditched dancing altogether; not our thing). We asked close friends to take on special roles, like being part of getting dressed & doing hair, presiding over the ceremony or organizing a particular activity.
If you are creating a more traditional wedding, find people among your chosen family--whether they are friends, mentors and people in you life or the newfound family of your spouse-to-be.
posted by carrioncomfort at 5:40 AM on February 21, 2018 [8 favorites]
I'm kind of mad at your fiancé for not taking the lead on this. My husband's estranged family didn't attend our wedding (whereas I had out-of-town and international family attending), and although I was by no means perfectly supportive or able to take his pain away, it was not a big deal for me to give people a heads-up along the lines of "Husband's family isn't coming to the wedding," plus any consequence that affected them (like, "so don't go looking for them for family photos," to the photographer or "so mind your own beeswax" to my family). This was a little easier for me because I was "the bride", and people generally ask the bride stuff more than the groom; not sure of your fiancé's gender presentation or involvement in the wedding planning.
We also got around some of this by just skipping a lot of stuff, although it's perfectly OK if you want this stuff: no attendants (except a flower girl), no DJ (let me know if you want our awesome Spotify wedding playlist, people were dancing for four hours straight), no processional seating of the parents, no "sides," no special dances.
I really encourage you to make sure the people who care about you know 1) your family is not coming to the wedding, 2) you're bummed out about it and 3) what they should and should not do to "help" (i.e. "please do not tell me they're going to come around, or that I should keep reaching out to them" or "Specific Friend, I would really appreciate it if you would sign the marriage license/walk me down the aisle/whatever"). The blast part of it you can do this in a email or something if you're feeling bold, or ask your fiancé or a trusted blabbermouth friend to spread the news for you. The specifics you need to reach out to people for.
It sounds like you feel ashamed about this, but you do not need to. You do NOT seem like a bad person. People are being insensitive about this, but that's because a lot of people don't really get how shitty families can be, and also because they think you're awesome and your wedding is awesome and they don't understand how your family could be missing that.
Also, wedding planning fucking sucks. In 90 days you will be married to your spouse, and there's a good chance you will have a fabulous time at the wedding.
posted by mskyle at 5:44 AM on February 21, 2018 [11 favorites]
We also got around some of this by just skipping a lot of stuff, although it's perfectly OK if you want this stuff: no attendants (except a flower girl), no DJ (let me know if you want our awesome Spotify wedding playlist, people were dancing for four hours straight), no processional seating of the parents, no "sides," no special dances.
I really encourage you to make sure the people who care about you know 1) your family is not coming to the wedding, 2) you're bummed out about it and 3) what they should and should not do to "help" (i.e. "please do not tell me they're going to come around, or that I should keep reaching out to them" or "Specific Friend, I would really appreciate it if you would sign the marriage license/walk me down the aisle/whatever"). The blast part of it you can do this in a email or something if you're feeling bold, or ask your fiancé or a trusted blabbermouth friend to spread the news for you. The specifics you need to reach out to people for.
It sounds like you feel ashamed about this, but you do not need to. You do NOT seem like a bad person. People are being insensitive about this, but that's because a lot of people don't really get how shitty families can be, and also because they think you're awesome and your wedding is awesome and they don't understand how your family could be missing that.
Also, wedding planning fucking sucks. In 90 days you will be married to your spouse, and there's a good chance you will have a fabulous time at the wedding.
posted by mskyle at 5:44 AM on February 21, 2018 [11 favorites]
Partner doesn’t seem to really get how much this hurts.
Just a quick ancillary thought on this - maybe your partner is downplaying how much it hurts to try to make you feel better. Which obviously doesn't work, but is at least sweet.
Also, congratulations!!!
posted by nosila at 5:59 AM on February 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
Just a quick ancillary thought on this - maybe your partner is downplaying how much it hurts to try to make you feel better. Which obviously doesn't work, but is at least sweet.
Also, congratulations!!!
posted by nosila at 5:59 AM on February 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
Is there a smooth way to minimize the chances of guests bringing this up day of?
I'd create a friend list of people coming to the wedding on FB, and post something like "Hi friends, I'm sad to say my family won't be at the wedding b/c they don't support my relationship. This has been really painful for me. I'd like to ask everyone to help me on my wedding day by not bringing up my missing family - I want to focus on Finance and all you wonderful people who are in my life by choice."
Lean on your "chosen family" - those you aren't related to but who you love deeply. Maybe make a list of all the ways they've come through for you and shown they care.
And yeah, remember you're acquiring a whole new family and you'll get to be part of their warmth and acceptance.
posted by bunderful at 6:06 AM on February 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
I'd create a friend list of people coming to the wedding on FB, and post something like "Hi friends, I'm sad to say my family won't be at the wedding b/c they don't support my relationship. This has been really painful for me. I'd like to ask everyone to help me on my wedding day by not bringing up my missing family - I want to focus on Finance and all you wonderful people who are in my life by choice."
Lean on your "chosen family" - those you aren't related to but who you love deeply. Maybe make a list of all the ways they've come through for you and shown they care.
And yeah, remember you're acquiring a whole new family and you'll get to be part of their warmth and acceptance.
posted by bunderful at 6:06 AM on February 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
...bridesmaids wondering what my mom will think about my dress...
Serious question: Why are these people your bridesmaids if they don't understand and can't be sensitive about the way your family is behaving? It's an honor to stand up at someone's wedding.
It is 100% reasonable to sit your bridesmaids down and say, "Look, I need you all not to mention my mom or anyone else in my family. It's hard for me to talk about. Thanks!"
(It's also 100% reasonable to get better bridesmaids, or to go without them.)
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:14 AM on February 21, 2018 [20 favorites]
Serious question: Why are these people your bridesmaids if they don't understand and can't be sensitive about the way your family is behaving? It's an honor to stand up at someone's wedding.
It is 100% reasonable to sit your bridesmaids down and say, "Look, I need you all not to mention my mom or anyone else in my family. It's hard for me to talk about. Thanks!"
(It's also 100% reasonable to get better bridesmaids, or to go without them.)
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:14 AM on February 21, 2018 [20 favorites]
If neither your fiance nor anyone in your wedding party is stepping up to help you cope with this, then something is seriously wrong. Why are there so many people involved in your wedding who seem to have no idea what is going on in your life? I'm concerned that you are putting on a celebration of intimacy (a wedding) while no one seems to actually know you.
It would be one thing for extended members of her family to be asking these questions or ignoring these circumstances, but where are the people who are on your side and protecting you? If you can't ask your future spouse to run interference when you are going through a serious trauma, that is "postpone the wedding" territory, not "help me grit my teeth and suffer through this" time.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 6:20 AM on February 21, 2018 [14 favorites]
It would be one thing for extended members of her family to be asking these questions or ignoring these circumstances, but where are the people who are on your side and protecting you? If you can't ask your future spouse to run interference when you are going through a serious trauma, that is "postpone the wedding" territory, not "help me grit my teeth and suffer through this" time.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 6:20 AM on February 21, 2018 [14 favorites]
To start: that sucks. I'll agree with the consensus that (1) you should lean on your friends to take similar roles, because they'll be happy to support you on your wedding day, (2) your fiance really should have some understanding of why this is hurtful for you.
That said, when my wife and I got married in 2016, we had not-entirely-dissimilar issues: my brother in law simply refused to come (not because he didn't approve, mostly because he's less-than-social and lives in fairly rural Oregon whereas we live in Massachusetts), and my father-in-law left immediately after the ceremony, rather than staying for the reception and dinner (because he's a screaming workaholic and was teaching in NJ the next day). Neither my wife nor I were remotely happy about either of these, but we managed - by leaning on my family (all of whom were there), and our friends.
So, what I'm saying is: lean on the people who are there for your joy. Ignore the people who aren't able to be there for you, and realize that your wedding is for you and your fiance, and for the people who want to celebrate with you.
posted by Making You Bored For Science at 7:10 AM on February 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
That said, when my wife and I got married in 2016, we had not-entirely-dissimilar issues: my brother in law simply refused to come (not because he didn't approve, mostly because he's less-than-social and lives in fairly rural Oregon whereas we live in Massachusetts), and my father-in-law left immediately after the ceremony, rather than staying for the reception and dinner (because he's a screaming workaholic and was teaching in NJ the next day). Neither my wife nor I were remotely happy about either of these, but we managed - by leaning on my family (all of whom were there), and our friends.
So, what I'm saying is: lean on the people who are there for your joy. Ignore the people who aren't able to be there for you, and realize that your wedding is for you and your fiance, and for the people who want to celebrate with you.
posted by Making You Bored For Science at 7:10 AM on February 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm straight, but my family is terrible. My family did attend my wedding, but generally was miserable and left early. I think we had ~6 people from my family, and ~100+ from my wife's family. I also felt angry at my family, embarrassed that they weren't enjoying themselves, guilty that I wasn't giving them a good time, and may more emotions I've certainly forgot by now. I decided to concentrate my day on those that were having a good time, and did my best to not get concerned with those that chose to be miserable. Frankly, we were so busy during the wedding that I didn't have much time to think about the miserable folks. When we look back, I see only pictures of happy folks, and basically happy memories.
Some people just want to be miserable, try your best to focus your energy on the positivity. When I think about my horrible family, I acknowledge that I've thought about it, and then try to think about something else positive so I don't dwell.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 7:21 AM on February 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
Some people just want to be miserable, try your best to focus your energy on the positivity. When I think about my horrible family, I acknowledge that I've thought about it, and then try to think about something else positive so I don't dwell.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 7:21 AM on February 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
I'm so sorry your family of origin is letting you down. You deserve better.
I was a wedding party member in a similar situation for a queer wedding recently. The person created a "chosen family" of 4 close friends and mentors, honouring their "spiritual parents and siblings", who were introduced as such and honoured as relatives throughout the ceremony (at times alongside / mingled with a standard wedding party of close friends).
Nothing was formally said about the absent family members- the wedding MC and officiant, both queer, knew what was what and tactfully avoided mentioning it- and there was no feeling of lack. It was lovely.
The Chosen Family gave (wonderful, loving) speeches, sat at the head table with the couple, walked the person down the aisle, and shared a tender 3 person first dance while the other newlywed shared 3-person first dance with their blood parents. It was beautiful and affirming and special.
I hope you are able to find ways to re-shape tradition so you are also surrounded by the love and support you deserve!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 7:29 AM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
I was a wedding party member in a similar situation for a queer wedding recently. The person created a "chosen family" of 4 close friends and mentors, honouring their "spiritual parents and siblings", who were introduced as such and honoured as relatives throughout the ceremony (at times alongside / mingled with a standard wedding party of close friends).
Nothing was formally said about the absent family members- the wedding MC and officiant, both queer, knew what was what and tactfully avoided mentioning it- and there was no feeling of lack. It was lovely.
The Chosen Family gave (wonderful, loving) speeches, sat at the head table with the couple, walked the person down the aisle, and shared a tender 3 person first dance while the other newlywed shared 3-person first dance with their blood parents. It was beautiful and affirming and special.
I hope you are able to find ways to re-shape tradition so you are also surrounded by the love and support you deserve!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 7:29 AM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
My partner and I got queer-married in 2013, and while my immediate family was there to support and celebrate us, we were unable to invite extended relatives due to estrangement caused either directly or indirectly by my being queer. Meanwhile, my wonderful partner has a large extended family who travelled to witness our marriage and celebrate with us. I remember how emotionally painful it was at times to plan seating, think about the pictures that would be taken, and all of the pomp and circumstance that goes along with what is supposed to be the most special day of your life. My partner is the most caring and empathetic person I have ever met, and yet it was still hard for her to understand exactly how I was feeling, because the family that you grow up with so profoundly shapes your worldview and experience. What I mean to say is, not being 100% able to understand is not the same thing as not trying to understand. So while I do not know OP’s partner, we might want to cut them a break.
What helped us was to make chosen family the organizing idea of our ceremony and reception. We invited many friends, didn’t enforce anyone sitting on “my” or “her” side, and had a dear friend act as our wedding official. We wrote a ceremony that explicitly referenced the ties we had to people in the room, the definition of family, and how we extend that definition to embrace and support the people we love and who love us. We asked all of our guests to provide us with a quote about the meaning of family and love, and we incorporated them into the text. This strong emphasis on the redefinition of family went along way towards making me feel included and loved by all of the guests who did show up and who do support us. In the end, I did not feel as though anything was missing. Good luck to both of you.
posted by lieber hair at 7:42 AM on February 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
What helped us was to make chosen family the organizing idea of our ceremony and reception. We invited many friends, didn’t enforce anyone sitting on “my” or “her” side, and had a dear friend act as our wedding official. We wrote a ceremony that explicitly referenced the ties we had to people in the room, the definition of family, and how we extend that definition to embrace and support the people we love and who love us. We asked all of our guests to provide us with a quote about the meaning of family and love, and we incorporated them into the text. This strong emphasis on the redefinition of family went along way towards making me feel included and loved by all of the guests who did show up and who do support us. In the end, I did not feel as though anything was missing. Good luck to both of you.
posted by lieber hair at 7:42 AM on February 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
My heart goes out to you. My wife's family is like yours. None of them came to our wedding.
First of all, nothing is wrong with you. This has nothing at all to do with you. Your family's choices reflect only on them. But I know that it's hard to really feel that. Please be gentle with yourself about it.
In terms of practicalities, we found all our vendors understood when we said "X's family will not be attending the wedding because they don't approve of same-sex marriage." They all had us fill out a form when we started working with them that had a space where we could tell them any other information they should know -- we just wrote it down there and that was it. Our photographer took the family photos we wanted him to take and it went totally smoothly. We didn't have an MC or DJ so we didn't need to worry about what that person might say. But overall the vendors were no problem. I think they've probably seen it all.
I noticed a lot of folks in this thread saying that this is a common experience. My feeling on that is yes and no. In our social circle of youngish liberals, no one had similar circumstances. It felt isolating for us because so few of our friends really understood what it was like for us (especially for my wife).
It really helped my wife to plan ahead for a private place she could retreat to during the reception and also to plan for a couple friends to keep an eye on her and be ready to intervene if she got overwhelmed emotionally or if anyone starting talking to her about her family. I don't think she actually needed them to intervene, but it took a lot of stress off to know they were ready.
We didn't do too many of the traditional things, partly because it was an interfaith wedding so we didn't feel like there was any one template laid out for us. It also strangely made things easier that my dad was in hospice during our engagement and died shortly before our wedding. Neither of us had the option to have our parents walk us down the aisle or have a father/daughter dance. If my dad had been well, I think I would have really wanted to have those things, and that would have been rough for my wife. Since we were both feeling so much grief about the wedding (as well as joy!), it was easy for us to understand how the other was feeling. (Though there were challenging times when we both needed a ton of support and neither of us had the emotional resources to support each other the way we wanted to.)
I limited my side of the guest list so my wife wouldn't feel like "my" people vastly outnumbered "her" people. That was disappointing for me but not a big deal. She had a couple of "honorary family members" take on key roles in the ceremony and reception. I checked in with my friends and family ahead of time to make sure they understood the situation and wouldn't bring it up.
You deserve your fiance's understanding and support about this. It is a huge loss and grief for you, and if our experience is a guide, it will continue to be a difficult part of your lives. I'm glad you have the therapy appointments. I think the whole point of marriage is that you don't have to go through things alone.
Feel free to message me if you'd like.
posted by zahava at 7:47 AM on February 21, 2018 [7 favorites]
First of all, nothing is wrong with you. This has nothing at all to do with you. Your family's choices reflect only on them. But I know that it's hard to really feel that. Please be gentle with yourself about it.
In terms of practicalities, we found all our vendors understood when we said "X's family will not be attending the wedding because they don't approve of same-sex marriage." They all had us fill out a form when we started working with them that had a space where we could tell them any other information they should know -- we just wrote it down there and that was it. Our photographer took the family photos we wanted him to take and it went totally smoothly. We didn't have an MC or DJ so we didn't need to worry about what that person might say. But overall the vendors were no problem. I think they've probably seen it all.
I noticed a lot of folks in this thread saying that this is a common experience. My feeling on that is yes and no. In our social circle of youngish liberals, no one had similar circumstances. It felt isolating for us because so few of our friends really understood what it was like for us (especially for my wife).
It really helped my wife to plan ahead for a private place she could retreat to during the reception and also to plan for a couple friends to keep an eye on her and be ready to intervene if she got overwhelmed emotionally or if anyone starting talking to her about her family. I don't think she actually needed them to intervene, but it took a lot of stress off to know they were ready.
We didn't do too many of the traditional things, partly because it was an interfaith wedding so we didn't feel like there was any one template laid out for us. It also strangely made things easier that my dad was in hospice during our engagement and died shortly before our wedding. Neither of us had the option to have our parents walk us down the aisle or have a father/daughter dance. If my dad had been well, I think I would have really wanted to have those things, and that would have been rough for my wife. Since we were both feeling so much grief about the wedding (as well as joy!), it was easy for us to understand how the other was feeling. (Though there were challenging times when we both needed a ton of support and neither of us had the emotional resources to support each other the way we wanted to.)
I limited my side of the guest list so my wife wouldn't feel like "my" people vastly outnumbered "her" people. That was disappointing for me but not a big deal. She had a couple of "honorary family members" take on key roles in the ceremony and reception. I checked in with my friends and family ahead of time to make sure they understood the situation and wouldn't bring it up.
You deserve your fiance's understanding and support about this. It is a huge loss and grief for you, and if our experience is a guide, it will continue to be a difficult part of your lives. I'm glad you have the therapy appointments. I think the whole point of marriage is that you don't have to go through things alone.
Feel free to message me if you'd like.
posted by zahava at 7:47 AM on February 21, 2018 [7 favorites]
Serious question: Why are these people your bridesmaids if they don't understand and can't be sensitive about the way your family is behaving?
These might be future sisters-in-law who have not had the situation explained to them. If so, their sister should be doing that and indeed addressing the situation with all guests from their side of the family. Or else it might be the kind of thing that is so ritual and ingrained in custom that you say it automatically and then are horrified a few seconds later, in which case we shouldn't judge them too harshly.
We had a missing parent at one of my sibling's weddings and, even though it was fairly standard in format, the substitution of other people in for that role didn't draw any comment.
Congratulations, OP. I wish you all future happiness.
posted by praemunire at 8:09 AM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
These might be future sisters-in-law who have not had the situation explained to them. If so, their sister should be doing that and indeed addressing the situation with all guests from their side of the family. Or else it might be the kind of thing that is so ritual and ingrained in custom that you say it automatically and then are horrified a few seconds later, in which case we shouldn't judge them too harshly.
We had a missing parent at one of my sibling's weddings and, even though it was fairly standard in format, the substitution of other people in for that role didn't draw any comment.
Congratulations, OP. I wish you all future happiness.
posted by praemunire at 8:09 AM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Partner doesn’t seem to really get how much this hurts.
Just a quick ancillary thought on this - maybe your partner is downplaying how much it hurts to try to make you feel better. Which obviously doesn't work, but is at least sweet.
I was almost definitely guilty of this with my husband leading up to our wedding! Like, I wanted to comfort him and reassure him, but what can you really say? It's a sucky situation. And I'm sure I *don't* really get how much it hurt (though I did, at least, understand that it did hurt).
Anyway, I hope you guys can work on some of this stuff in couples counseling, and that your fiancé steps up on both a practical and emotional level, and that you guys have an awesome wedding and an even awesomer marriage.
posted by mskyle at 8:23 AM on February 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Just a quick ancillary thought on this - maybe your partner is downplaying how much it hurts to try to make you feel better. Which obviously doesn't work, but is at least sweet.
I was almost definitely guilty of this with my husband leading up to our wedding! Like, I wanted to comfort him and reassure him, but what can you really say? It's a sucky situation. And I'm sure I *don't* really get how much it hurt (though I did, at least, understand that it did hurt).
Anyway, I hope you guys can work on some of this stuff in couples counseling, and that your fiancé steps up on both a practical and emotional level, and that you guys have an awesome wedding and an even awesomer marriage.
posted by mskyle at 8:23 AM on February 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
First off, congratulations! You are a wonderful person and you have found a wonderful partner and you both love each other so much that you are choosing to be a family. In any marriage, that is a brave, beautiful, amazing, powerful step to take and you deserve every ounce of happiness and joy coming your way. Do no doubt that for one second.
My next advice, as a married person who planned a wedding is DO WHAT IS GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY! See above for the beautiful, joyful, brave choice you are making? This is all about a celebration of that and the wonderful person you are. Everyone there should want that day to be about that. Ignore the people who lose sight of it. Every single miserable moment of the wedding planning process for us came up in the context of a family member or loved one making an issue of what we were "supposed" to do. Every single compliment from a guest and moments of pure joy came from the things we decided we wanted to do because they were important to us, whether they followed tradition or not. So we threw out having seating based on relationships to the wedding couple. Our wedding was about our lives coming together and we wanted to people to blend into the new family/community we were creating. We didn't have dancing because my spouse doesn't like to dance (and had the added benefit of eliminating the father/daughter, mother/son thing from happening because those relationships are....complicated). We made up our vows, we had toasts despite the Baptists present not approving, etc. etc. etc. It was a great day.
Identify the people who are there for you 100% and lean on them. Have them run interference with vendors. Talk to your fiancé about what is absolutely crucial to you as a couple to be part of this ceremony and totally ignore everything anyone else will tell you. Give yourself permission to feel sad. Also? Give yourself permission to celebrate you and the amazing life you are living. There is nothing more beautiful or more brave than love.
posted by goggie at 8:45 AM on February 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
My next advice, as a married person who planned a wedding is DO WHAT IS GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY! See above for the beautiful, joyful, brave choice you are making? This is all about a celebration of that and the wonderful person you are. Everyone there should want that day to be about that. Ignore the people who lose sight of it. Every single miserable moment of the wedding planning process for us came up in the context of a family member or loved one making an issue of what we were "supposed" to do. Every single compliment from a guest and moments of pure joy came from the things we decided we wanted to do because they were important to us, whether they followed tradition or not. So we threw out having seating based on relationships to the wedding couple. Our wedding was about our lives coming together and we wanted to people to blend into the new family/community we were creating. We didn't have dancing because my spouse doesn't like to dance (and had the added benefit of eliminating the father/daughter, mother/son thing from happening because those relationships are....complicated). We made up our vows, we had toasts despite the Baptists present not approving, etc. etc. etc. It was a great day.
Identify the people who are there for you 100% and lean on them. Have them run interference with vendors. Talk to your fiancé about what is absolutely crucial to you as a couple to be part of this ceremony and totally ignore everything anyone else will tell you. Give yourself permission to feel sad. Also? Give yourself permission to celebrate you and the amazing life you are living. There is nothing more beautiful or more brave than love.
posted by goggie at 8:45 AM on February 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
Help me not cry.
If you want to not cry while dealing with the practical stuff, it might help to make some more deliberate space in your life for dealing with that pain at other times. I have no idea how you're really coping, so I'm just proposing this based on the sorts of problems that I have when dealing with my family estrangement--if you're spending a lot of effort on not crying or getting emotional about this, you might not be getting the kind of support from friends and partner that you would be if you were emoting more.
posted by Sequence at 9:09 AM on February 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
If you want to not cry while dealing with the practical stuff, it might help to make some more deliberate space in your life for dealing with that pain at other times. I have no idea how you're really coping, so I'm just proposing this based on the sorts of problems that I have when dealing with my family estrangement--if you're spending a lot of effort on not crying or getting emotional about this, you might not be getting the kind of support from friends and partner that you would be if you were emoting more.
posted by Sequence at 9:09 AM on February 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Ugh. Weddings. Why has it become so much the norm that it that such a fraught, stressful, expensive, emotionally overwhelming event must serve as the (often) only socially acceptable way for two people who love each other to make their start? And what should be a joyful occasion ends up being a huge ball of sadness? Just like funerals, weddings end up being all about the attendees. The need to accommodate all the family drama is the tail that wags the dog and before you know it, it's a nightmare.
You are an unconventional couple. Embrace that and make your wedding as non-standard, non-traditional and non-conforming as you possibly can. Refuse to let that tail wag your wedding. DO WHAT IS GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY! indeed!! Anyone who is not on board with that concept should just stay home. Just choose to stop worrying about it. That sounds facile but it's actually incredibly freeing. It's also possible. Shift every decision away from an orientation around others and back to YOURSELF.
You didn't choose to be born to intolerant people. YES. This!! Lieber Hair has great advice also.
DO WHAT IS GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY! Other people can, will, and SHOULD manage their own damn feelings. It's not your job to micromanage this wedding so that everyone else gets their snowflakes sorted.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 9:10 AM on February 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
You are an unconventional couple. Embrace that and make your wedding as non-standard, non-traditional and non-conforming as you possibly can. Refuse to let that tail wag your wedding. DO WHAT IS GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY! indeed!! Anyone who is not on board with that concept should just stay home. Just choose to stop worrying about it. That sounds facile but it's actually incredibly freeing. It's also possible. Shift every decision away from an orientation around others and back to YOURSELF.
You didn't choose to be born to intolerant people. YES. This!! Lieber Hair has great advice also.
DO WHAT IS GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY! Other people can, will, and SHOULD manage their own damn feelings. It's not your job to micromanage this wedding so that everyone else gets their snowflakes sorted.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 9:10 AM on February 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Don’t let vendors push you around. YOU are the boss of THEM. Tell them not to bring up your family of origin (ideally, your partner would do this). If they don’t cooperate, you can fire them or leave them a bad review. I let the photographer at my wedding tell me to take off my glasses for the photos. I never take off my glasses for photos, as you can tell in the resulting pictures that I can’t focus without them. Guess what happened in the wedding photos where I took off my glasses. Just guess.
You’re not doing anything wrong. If anybody tries to make you feel like it’s your fault that your family isn’t supportive, congratulate them on becoming dictator for life of Wrongsylvania.
posted by Anne Neville at 9:22 AM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
You’re not doing anything wrong. If anybody tries to make you feel like it’s your fault that your family isn’t supportive, congratulate them on becoming dictator for life of Wrongsylvania.
posted by Anne Neville at 9:22 AM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
I had to deal with something like this. Just keep reminding yourself how special you want this day to be for your partner. I found the day of the wedding being one of the happiest of my life took care of itself in the end.
posted by xammerboy at 9:25 AM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by xammerboy at 9:25 AM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
I got queer married almost a year ago. My spouse's family showed up in very few numbers, and there was a lot of arguing in the family over who would get invitations and who wouldn't (her mom was embarrassed to send them out).
The line she used was "My family isn't attending" - straight and to the point, no room for questions because she left nothing open. No, they're not coming, let's move on.
Things that made her (and both of us) feel great on our wedding day was having a community of very close friends, our chosen family, who were there with us and who stood with us during the ceremony and we gave some of them small parts (instead of giving them to family members).
That being said - Your partner needs to see how much this is hurting you. No family at your wedding really does suck. I hope they (your partner) do come around and show more support.
As a very shy person, I found that being at the center of my wedding was actually loads of fun. I hope you have an amazing day.
As they say in this neck of the woods - Mazel Tov!
posted by alon at 9:37 AM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
The line she used was "My family isn't attending" - straight and to the point, no room for questions because she left nothing open. No, they're not coming, let's move on.
Things that made her (and both of us) feel great on our wedding day was having a community of very close friends, our chosen family, who were there with us and who stood with us during the ceremony and we gave some of them small parts (instead of giving them to family members).
That being said - Your partner needs to see how much this is hurting you. No family at your wedding really does suck. I hope they (your partner) do come around and show more support.
As a very shy person, I found that being at the center of my wedding was actually loads of fun. I hope you have an amazing day.
As they say in this neck of the woods - Mazel Tov!
posted by alon at 9:37 AM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
My partner's family did not attend our wedding for reasons. (Largely pertaining to them being assholes.) It was incredibly painful for my partner, especially because my family is large and was very enthusiastically involved. I think I was probably not as sympathetic as I should have been initially because I felt very, very guilty. But once I got my head on straight and realized that this was not MY fault or partner's fault this was their family's problem and we were the collateral damage, I got my act together around providing loving support and problem solving. I hope your partner can do the same.
About three weeks before the wedding we send batches of e-mails to guests (i.e. one batch was all of my friends from college, another was his work friends, etc.) explaining that partner's family had made the choice not to attend our wedding and while this was obviously sad, we were so excited about this joyous occasion and looking forward to celebrating with them. We said that we wanted to be present and happy and celebratory and so would appreciate people's tact and understanding in not bringing this up at the wedding.
People were AWESOME. No one said boo to partner at the wedding weekend itself and so many people responded via e-mail with words of love and experiences of their own with alienation from family. Unfortunately, it's more common than I think we realized. That in and of itself helped with the not crying feeling and also meant we weren't worried about being blindsided with queries at the wedding.
I am so happy that you have found this love and that you are going to have a chance to mark and celebrate it and I'm so sorry that your family is causing you pain during this time. Know that this internet stranger is totally rooting for you and if you'd like to see a copy of the e-mail we send shoot me a PM.
posted by jeszac at 9:55 AM on February 21, 2018 [10 favorites]
About three weeks before the wedding we send batches of e-mails to guests (i.e. one batch was all of my friends from college, another was his work friends, etc.) explaining that partner's family had made the choice not to attend our wedding and while this was obviously sad, we were so excited about this joyous occasion and looking forward to celebrating with them. We said that we wanted to be present and happy and celebratory and so would appreciate people's tact and understanding in not bringing this up at the wedding.
People were AWESOME. No one said boo to partner at the wedding weekend itself and so many people responded via e-mail with words of love and experiences of their own with alienation from family. Unfortunately, it's more common than I think we realized. That in and of itself helped with the not crying feeling and also meant we weren't worried about being blindsided with queries at the wedding.
I am so happy that you have found this love and that you are going to have a chance to mark and celebrate it and I'm so sorry that your family is causing you pain during this time. Know that this internet stranger is totally rooting for you and if you'd like to see a copy of the e-mail we send shoot me a PM.
posted by jeszac at 9:55 AM on February 21, 2018 [10 favorites]
Your entire family is blacklisting your wedding and your future spouse genuinely doesn't understand why this would hurt you?
I wondered this too, and I bring it up because shedding some light on it may help you answer part of your question. I wonder if you both see the rejection as something fundamentally different. You see your family's behavior as *your failing*, and your spouse sees it as *their choice.* Your spouse may not internalize things in quite the same way, and so what comes off as "not understanding" may really be something fundamentally deeper, and different, than that. Could it be that they see you internalize your family's reaction, and that's the part they can't understand?
Is it that your fiance has a "f*** 'em" attitude when it comes to intolerant people, whereas you have a different perspective? Is it that they've seen red flags all along and they're not surprised in the slightest? It seems like you've internalized your family's reaction as some personal failing on your part. Is your family's reaction and behavior tapping into some part of you that may not fully accept who you are? If so, does your spouse know that?
Don't forget that your family completely, utterly, 100% has a choice in how they treat you. And YOU have a choice in who you consider family, and who you don't. Family isn't always biological, and you have the right to invite whoever you want to your wedding. How do you define family? Who do you want to be surrounded by at your wedding, the most important day of your life? Does everyone you're inviting want and deserve to be there? Are they all fully supportive of you and who you are, both as individuals and as a couple?
Having said all that, they're your family, and it hurts like hell. Contrary to your question, I think you should cry. Get it all out. Grieve now, before the day of, and promise yourself that no matter what, you'll have the best day of your life... because you and your spouse and everyone present will make it that way.
Congratulations, and best wishes for a long and happy marriage.
posted by onecircleaday at 10:00 AM on February 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
I wondered this too, and I bring it up because shedding some light on it may help you answer part of your question. I wonder if you both see the rejection as something fundamentally different. You see your family's behavior as *your failing*, and your spouse sees it as *their choice.* Your spouse may not internalize things in quite the same way, and so what comes off as "not understanding" may really be something fundamentally deeper, and different, than that. Could it be that they see you internalize your family's reaction, and that's the part they can't understand?
Is it that your fiance has a "f*** 'em" attitude when it comes to intolerant people, whereas you have a different perspective? Is it that they've seen red flags all along and they're not surprised in the slightest? It seems like you've internalized your family's reaction as some personal failing on your part. Is your family's reaction and behavior tapping into some part of you that may not fully accept who you are? If so, does your spouse know that?
Don't forget that your family completely, utterly, 100% has a choice in how they treat you. And YOU have a choice in who you consider family, and who you don't. Family isn't always biological, and you have the right to invite whoever you want to your wedding. How do you define family? Who do you want to be surrounded by at your wedding, the most important day of your life? Does everyone you're inviting want and deserve to be there? Are they all fully supportive of you and who you are, both as individuals and as a couple?
Having said all that, they're your family, and it hurts like hell. Contrary to your question, I think you should cry. Get it all out. Grieve now, before the day of, and promise yourself that no matter what, you'll have the best day of your life... because you and your spouse and everyone present will make it that way.
Congratulations, and best wishes for a long and happy marriage.
posted by onecircleaday at 10:00 AM on February 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
I speak from the perspective of someone whose best friend was in your situation - her parents actually wrote to her entire extended family to urge them not to support her "sinful lifestyle" and some of her aunts/uncles/cousins who had agreed to attend then changed their minds. She was incredibly hurt.
I was absolutely damned if I wasn't going to do my best to be my friend's "family" for the purposes of her wedding. She didn't have a bridal party, but I did all the traditional maid of honor things - organized the bachelorette party, helped her get ready on the day, etc. I tried to do the things her mother or hypothetical sister might have done - I did cake tastings and wine tastings with her, helped her scout venues, picked up her dress from the seamstress after the alterations were done, etc. On the day, I wrangled a minor bartending issue, helped set up the tables and decorations, shuffled guests around, etc. I also gave a speech that talked about how I'd always considered her the sister I never had, and I welcomed her wife as my new "sister-in-law".
This is not to say that I was in any way a replacement for her parents or extended family, or that she wasn't incredibly wounded by the situation with her family and is still dealing with that years later. But I have always felt very protective of her in situations where her family has screwed her because of her sexuality, and I would have done literally anything she asked if it would have made her wedding day hurt a little bit less.
So that's all to say, do you have these people in your life? The friends who *do* deeply understand what you've gone through and would do anything for you to try to make it a little bit better? Can you ask them to take on some of the traditional family roles at your wedding, and make it about your "family of choice"? Can you get your future spouse to agree to maybe make it "anyone who wants to make a speech can", rather than traditional "father of the bride/maid or dude of honor/etc", and leverage your dearest friends to fill those roles for "your side"?
With vendors, can you just say "my family's not in the picture" or "we'd prefer not to do that [tradition]? This won't be the first time they've heard this - there are a bazillion reasons to not be doing the traditional family-oriented stuff at a wedding, and they should know better than to pry. They want your money, not your life story, so I realize it'll sting each time you have to say no to something you would, in a different world, love to do, but no one should make you go into depth about something traumatic and hurtful every time.
Good luck with your wedding planning and in navigating this difficult situation. My heart goes out to you.
posted by olinerd at 11:09 AM on February 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
I was absolutely damned if I wasn't going to do my best to be my friend's "family" for the purposes of her wedding. She didn't have a bridal party, but I did all the traditional maid of honor things - organized the bachelorette party, helped her get ready on the day, etc. I tried to do the things her mother or hypothetical sister might have done - I did cake tastings and wine tastings with her, helped her scout venues, picked up her dress from the seamstress after the alterations were done, etc. On the day, I wrangled a minor bartending issue, helped set up the tables and decorations, shuffled guests around, etc. I also gave a speech that talked about how I'd always considered her the sister I never had, and I welcomed her wife as my new "sister-in-law".
This is not to say that I was in any way a replacement for her parents or extended family, or that she wasn't incredibly wounded by the situation with her family and is still dealing with that years later. But I have always felt very protective of her in situations where her family has screwed her because of her sexuality, and I would have done literally anything she asked if it would have made her wedding day hurt a little bit less.
So that's all to say, do you have these people in your life? The friends who *do* deeply understand what you've gone through and would do anything for you to try to make it a little bit better? Can you ask them to take on some of the traditional family roles at your wedding, and make it about your "family of choice"? Can you get your future spouse to agree to maybe make it "anyone who wants to make a speech can", rather than traditional "father of the bride/maid or dude of honor/etc", and leverage your dearest friends to fill those roles for "your side"?
With vendors, can you just say "my family's not in the picture" or "we'd prefer not to do that [tradition]? This won't be the first time they've heard this - there are a bazillion reasons to not be doing the traditional family-oriented stuff at a wedding, and they should know better than to pry. They want your money, not your life story, so I realize it'll sting each time you have to say no to something you would, in a different world, love to do, but no one should make you go into depth about something traumatic and hurtful every time.
Good luck with your wedding planning and in navigating this difficult situation. My heart goes out to you.
posted by olinerd at 11:09 AM on February 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! When my wife and I got married, an aunt and uncle I was previously close to refused to come because they opposed my "lifestyle". They also didn't RSVP to the bridal shower thrown for us, which was embarrassing as well. I didn't think they would come (they didn't come to my sibling's same-sex wedding a few years earlier, either), but I didn't expect to feel so hurt. It's ok to be hurt when people you love and care about do hurtful things! I made sure to sit with that emotion and hurt for a few moments about a week before the wedding flurry, and honestly only thought about them once on my wedding day: when my aunt texted me the morning of the wedding. I was totally stymied that she would have the fucking gall to do that. If I could change one thing about my wedding day, it would be that I gave my phone to a bridesmaid for safekeeping earlier in the day and didn't have to deal with it (Well, ok, maybe I also would've tried on my wedding underwear with my wedding dress before the day-of, turns out lace is super visible beneath my sheer dress and a bridesmaid had to run to buy nude underwear for me, but that's a funny story now that caused no heartache). As you plan your wedding with your partner, think about things you can do to celebrate your union and your chosen family, and feel free to not do any activities that make you uncomfortable. We didn't do traditional announced dances, but my wife and I danced, and I danced with my father-- just not to a specific song, and without any DJ announcement. Consider taking time alone with your spouse immediately after the ceremony if that's at all possible. Your spouse shouldn't be "enjoying their family" without you on your wedding day, and their family should be clued in by your partner as soon as possible so that they can activate the whisper network at the wedding and let you and your spouse focus on your loved ones surrounding you, the love you feel for each other, and the hopeful future!
This ended up longer than I intended, but in short:
posted by worstname at 12:49 PM on February 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
This ended up longer than I intended, but in short:
- Focus on the present: day-of love and light is worth it!
- Make someone else handle your phone for any last minute vendor or venue needs, especially if your family is vindictive or will try to reach out to you (and make sure the phone trustee knows you don't want to even know about it day-of)
- don't structure your ceremony, reception or... life around your vs your partner's sides or family
- try on your whole outfit with enough time to change pieces and maybe have backup underwear :P
posted by worstname at 12:49 PM on February 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Generally it hurts more to be poked or slapped where we are already bruised.
If your family has been spraying shame at you all your life, something your partner may not have experienced as much, it's going to take more than a tomato juice bath to wash the bitter smell off. You absolutely don't deserve the shaming they are pushing, but it may have sunk it's damaging barbs into your heart anyway.
posted by puddledork at 12:52 PM on February 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
If your family has been spraying shame at you all your life, something your partner may not have experienced as much, it's going to take more than a tomato juice bath to wash the bitter smell off. You absolutely don't deserve the shaming they are pushing, but it may have sunk it's damaging barbs into your heart anyway.
posted by puddledork at 12:52 PM on February 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all so much for all the support. This is a wonderful community and I'm lucky to be part of it. Many great answers, I could have marked them all as best.
posted by sock,sock, sock, sock, sock... sock sock at 1:09 PM on February 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by sock,sock, sock, sock, sock... sock sock at 1:09 PM on February 21, 2018 [5 favorites]
I would skip family dances altogether or if you have trusted friends who are like family to you, recruit them. How close are you with your partner's family? Maybe you could dance with mom and your partner could dance with dad and then switch!
I know it hurts. Can you tell people asking questions "My immediate family will not be attending. Please put that in your notes."? Also suggesting your partner help out with this if at all possible.
I really want to wish you my sincerest congratulations on your wedding day. I feel for you. You are not a bad person, and I'm sorry your family has made you feel this way.
posted by freezer cake at 1:14 PM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
I know it hurts. Can you tell people asking questions "My immediate family will not be attending. Please put that in your notes."? Also suggesting your partner help out with this if at all possible.
I really want to wish you my sincerest congratulations on your wedding day. I feel for you. You are not a bad person, and I'm sorry your family has made you feel this way.
posted by freezer cake at 1:14 PM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
With vendors, photogs, or anyone you're paying, I don't think you even need to give as much explanation as "we're estranged." You could leave it as, "The Smith family won't be here today."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:25 PM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:25 PM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Help me not cry.
You are starting a new family fresh from scratch. There is no meddling here or expectations you feel obligated to meet. It is a new start and a new era of life. You are not alone.
There are people reading your quandary and wishing it was theirs because of interference, control, and feeling alone with no happy milestone to look forward to.
Focus on what you have, and not on what you don't. Perhaps one day your family will come around. Maybe not. Life is short and fleeting to be yearning for something that is holding you back from seeing your blessings.
I wish you luck. As someone who is unconventional in every way, I have learned not to seek universal applause from everybody, and at times, from no one else but myself. It's the people who are there for you when it counts that you should worry about. Your family doesn't know what they are missing. It will be their regret. Just live your life as happily as you can because you do not know what can come around the corner.
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 9:34 PM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
You are starting a new family fresh from scratch. There is no meddling here or expectations you feel obligated to meet. It is a new start and a new era of life. You are not alone.
There are people reading your quandary and wishing it was theirs because of interference, control, and feeling alone with no happy milestone to look forward to.
Focus on what you have, and not on what you don't. Perhaps one day your family will come around. Maybe not. Life is short and fleeting to be yearning for something that is holding you back from seeing your blessings.
I wish you luck. As someone who is unconventional in every way, I have learned not to seek universal applause from everybody, and at times, from no one else but myself. It's the people who are there for you when it counts that you should worry about. Your family doesn't know what they are missing. It will be their regret. Just live your life as happily as you can because you do not know what can come around the corner.
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 9:34 PM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
So, I did the queer wedding thing!
Because our wedding was out of state, logistical issues, and other family drama including lgbt dislike I had three guests total. My wife kept it small, but her family and friends still outnumbered my guests significantly.
I did feel good with my marriage. I didn't feel loss and I don't feel loss because I gained an amazing partner. Everyone there was super supportive. I had nightmares about my wedding being crashed that didn't happen.
I took the time to make sure there was a ton of symbolism of us joining together and making a family if our own because that is important to me. We made our own last name (it's a combo of our maiden names that sounds cute) for example. It wasn't a loss because I found someone who accepted me for who I am and that's amazing! A wedding is all about proclaiming that thee people getting married are not alone in this world.
Take time to grieve. I did feel moments of frustration and sadness about wedding planning. But they were moments and they did pass. I'm so happy with my current family.
posted by AlexiaSky at 12:16 AM on February 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Because our wedding was out of state, logistical issues, and other family drama including lgbt dislike I had three guests total. My wife kept it small, but her family and friends still outnumbered my guests significantly.
I did feel good with my marriage. I didn't feel loss and I don't feel loss because I gained an amazing partner. Everyone there was super supportive. I had nightmares about my wedding being crashed that didn't happen.
I took the time to make sure there was a ton of symbolism of us joining together and making a family if our own because that is important to me. We made our own last name (it's a combo of our maiden names that sounds cute) for example. It wasn't a loss because I found someone who accepted me for who I am and that's amazing! A wedding is all about proclaiming that thee people getting married are not alone in this world.
Take time to grieve. I did feel moments of frustration and sadness about wedding planning. But they were moments and they did pass. I'm so happy with my current family.
posted by AlexiaSky at 12:16 AM on February 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
Congratulations! This is a wonderful, awful, blissful, stressful time, but it will pass. Weird things happen at weddings... this will pass. And then you will be married *yay!!* and have a lifetime of love and laughter.
Don't let anything get in your way. This is a day set aside for you and your Spouse *yay!!* so enjoy it.
Seconding all the good advice about unconventional weddings. Do people even do conventional weddings anymore? Why?
You can't micromanage the feelings of others, but you can invite your support system and share this day with them. I have no idea why you would want someone at your wedding who thinks it's all about them... brrrr.
Seconding those above who said "the person with the credit card makes the rules," including about seating, eyeglasses in photos, etc.
This is about love.
posted by TrishaU at 12:59 AM on February 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Don't let anything get in your way. This is a day set aside for you and your Spouse *yay!!* so enjoy it.
Seconding all the good advice about unconventional weddings. Do people even do conventional weddings anymore? Why?
You can't micromanage the feelings of others, but you can invite your support system and share this day with them. I have no idea why you would want someone at your wedding who thinks it's all about them... brrrr.
Seconding those above who said "the person with the credit card makes the rules," including about seating, eyeglasses in photos, etc.
This is about love.
posted by TrishaU at 12:59 AM on February 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
I got married (albeit cis-het) and maybe a dozen of my many family members made the trip, because it was really far. My wife's whole clan rolled in (because they're locals), plus a lot of friends and co-workers. No one asked about it or made a stink.
I wish more of my relatives had been there, so instead I concentrated on the people who were there with us. Remember, the only two REQUIRED people are you & your spouse -- everyone else is there to celebrate & honor you. So soak it up! :7)
posted by wenestvedt at 8:39 AM on February 22, 2018
I wish more of my relatives had been there, so instead I concentrated on the people who were there with us. Remember, the only two REQUIRED people are you & your spouse -- everyone else is there to celebrate & honor you. So soak it up! :7)
posted by wenestvedt at 8:39 AM on February 22, 2018
Also, wedding vendors have seen it all before.
A wedding without your family kind of guarantees no or less drama, and so your caterer & photographer & whoever will secretly be glad they don't have to worry about it!
posted by wenestvedt at 8:48 AM on February 22, 2018
A wedding without your family kind of guarantees no or less drama, and so your caterer & photographer & whoever will secretly be glad they don't have to worry about it!
posted by wenestvedt at 8:48 AM on February 22, 2018
Response by poster: Just a followup: two weeks before the wedding, a large chunk of my family, including my mom, did indeed decide to come. I'm glad they came, but it would have been ok if they hadn't. Before they chose to come I took MeFi's advice: I asked my best friend walk me down the aisle, and he said he was honored to. It made my friendship so much deeper. I gave other friends seats in the first row and told them how lucky I was to have them in my life and that I considered them family. We even took posed "family" photos, that I'll treasure. We did away with any vendor weirdness about family traditions with a simple "that won't be necessary." And I felt so surrounded by love the whole time. Easily the best day(s) of my life. Thanks again to all who responded and PM'ed.
posted by sock,sock, sock, sock, sock... sock sock at 9:41 PM on June 18, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by sock,sock, sock, sock, sock... sock sock at 9:41 PM on June 18, 2018 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
If they press for more info and you're not comfortable, just tell them you're not comfortable discussing it further.
Make sure you invite plenty of personal friends and those who are like family to you. And at the end of the day, your new spouses family will be yours and hopefully you can immerse yourself in that.
And, since it isn't uncommon, those same vendors may have experience and thoughts on how to best coordinate the proceedings. Its rare any wedding follows a conventional model anyway today, so nothing is mandatory.
It's also not unreasonable to ask for your fiance's family to limit the number of personal toasts and speeches.
posted by Unsomnambulist at 12:05 AM on February 21, 2018 [28 favorites]