Bookish women in your 40s--where are you dating these days?
January 30, 2018 12:58 PM   Subscribe

Sort of a follow-up to this question -- where are the cool kids* hanging out for online dating these days? (*Bookish, weird humanities majors of a certain vintage)

(Yes, I'm aware of my answer in that earlier post.)

I've been on-and-off OKC for a good, long time. There's no-one there locally whom I haven't looked at a thousand times already. I used to be on Match years ago -- is it any good? What are some other options for me, in my Canadian second-tier city of half a million?

Also, I have Very Good Reasons not to plug in a dating profile to my Facebook account, and will not do that under any circumstances. I know that eliminates quite a few options, but them's the breaks. I am also firmly committed to finding someone local, and I mean it, really really and for real this time.

I am so tired.

Thank you in advance.
posted by Capt. Renault to Human Relations (12 answers total) 22 users marked this as a favorite
I'm on, and make it a point to message at least 10 guys a month. So far no luck.
posted by The otter lady at 1:36 PM on January 30, 2018 [1 favorite]

FWIW, I'm your saught-after demographic and I went back to OKC in the fall and met a bookish guy I'm still dating there, so keep plugging away, I guess? I'd tried Match before (and POF) but Match in particular enraged me because it kept "matching" me with men who specifically exluded my race in their own preference, like WTF Match? Also, their in-person "mixers" were miserable. So yeah, I kept returning to OKC and fourth time seems to have been a better charm than the previous attempts.
posted by TwoStride at 1:44 PM on January 30, 2018 [1 favorite]

I'm a cool, bookish, weird humanities major near your age, and when I started actively looking to date again, I also didn't want to hook my fb account to anything, so I just set up a new fb profile that has a few pictures of me and nothing else.
I used that to set up a Tinder account, and it was actually awesomely local because it wasn't using anything but my location to set up matches. I met a ton of interesting, attractive people pretty quickly, all of whom live more or less right in my neighbourhood (Canadian spelling for a Canadian city). I don't live in Ontario anymore, but I did a few years ago, and Tinder was good for me there, too. If I still lived there, I'd probably still be seeing the awesome Hamiltonian I met through that app.

You didn't ask for Tinder advice, so ignore this if you like, but I think I had such a good experience because 1) I bothered to put effort into my profile even though I hate having my picture taken. Like, I took a million and ten selfies in various situations until I got some good ones, and cropped them nicely. Face and full body, flattering but not too overtly sexy, trying to show that I have friends and do things. I asked friends what they thought of my self-description, which I kept as positive as possible. I made sure to mention that I'd like to meet for dates. 2) I didn't swipe right on anyone I wasn't at least potentially attracted to, or whose profile was actively unappealing, but I was pretty accepting of the profiles that were okay just didn't wow me: it's hard to advertise yourself. 3) I sent a lot of first messages, and responded to all the messages that weren't actively offensive - but really didn't bother putting a lot of energy into any conversations that got boring. If you don't have basic social skills or can't put in the energy to make a little opening conversations, I'm not interested. 4) After not too much messaging, I went on a lot of coffee dates. Low commitment. I like getting to meet people, though, so that wasn't the burden for me that it is for a lot of folks.
Honestly, I met a lot of folks that I would have been really happy to keep seeing, if I hadn't also met one particular person that I instantly clicked with in a serious way. If (heaven forfend) this relationship goes sour, I would definitely use Tinder again - though my friends also say that Bumble's where it's at lately.
posted by Edna Million at 1:48 PM on January 30, 2018 [14 favorites]

What Edna Million said.

My single female friends of your description (we are late 30s, early 40s) are on Bumble, and have had some success lately with meeting like-minded men there. If you could put together a profile on Facebook just for this purpose, you really might be doing more than usual in targeting the kind of woman you'd be interested in.

Also, with regard to your comment in the previous question: I respect that you have boundaries when it comes to approaching women in settings that are conceivably for purposes other than dating. However, given how many of my own friends join Meetups and other groups expressly for the purpose of meeting compatible partners or widening their friend pool so they can be introduced to potential partners, I'd say it's unlikely that someone would be greatly offended if you were to approach them in a casual, respectful manner.
posted by Everydayville at 2:00 PM on January 30, 2018 [9 favorites]

Bumble is the only site I can stand. Though dating in Hong Kong is hilariously difficult.
posted by frumiousb at 3:09 PM on January 30, 2018 [1 favorite]

I had good luck with e-Harmony as a bookish late 30s person, but I think I may have gotten lucky...
posted by eleanna at 3:56 PM on January 30, 2018 [1 favorite]

Seconding that everyone has moved to Tinder and Bumble. Unfortunately, there is no getting around the Facebook requirement, at least for Tinder. However, a friend in your situation worked around it by setting up a second Facebook account and installing Tinder on an old ipod touch. If you don't have a similar device lying around, cracked screen devices (especially non-phones) are very cheap on ebay.
posted by veery at 6:14 AM on January 31, 2018

Response by poster: Thank you, everyone. However, a Facebook connection -- real or faked -- is simply not an option for me.

What are the other sites like these days? Match? e-Harmony? Something else?
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:50 AM on January 31, 2018

Tinder doesn't require a Facebook account anymore, although I think Bumble still does.
posted by Ampersand692 at 6:57 AM on January 31, 2018

I'm really sorry Capt. Renault, but in my experience the rest are pretty awful, and full of romance scammers.
posted by frumiousb at 4:14 PM on February 2, 2018

online: OKCupid, sometimes Bumble. I hated Match - it's a mess and I wanted to set that website on fire.

More and more I'm giving up on online sites and spending time at libraries, museums, talks, community events, outdoorsy activities.
posted by BeHereNow at 1:54 PM on March 6, 2018

I’m a bookish, newly single woman in my mid-40s and have found some fantastically bookish and lovely men through Tinder. If they don’t require a Facebook account anymore, I say go for it.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:16 PM on May 25, 2018 [1 favorite]

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