We finally have a plan to move in together, but is it what he wants?
January 29, 2018 11:39 AM Subscribe
We are 26, have been LDR for 4 months with 4 months to go. My boyfriend doesn't seem as excited about moving in together, but who do I know if it's normal fears or something I should seriously worry about it?
As our LDR is due to end in shortly over 4 months, I opened up a dialogue with my boyfriend who had suddenly developed cold feet over the real prospect of moving in together (even though he initiated it at first).
He flew out to spend 4 days with me this week - beforehand I had told him I wanted to have a talk about what the future holds for us. But the conversation did not go as I had planned - he said that while he loves me very much, he was fearful that we didn't share the same long-term vision (because he wants to live somewhere rural similar to where he grew up; I had said I don't yet & that's true, but I am more open to doing so in a few years). He also mentioned that I seem 'jealous' when his friends invite him on trips, when really I just want him to prioritise holidays with me and still be able to enjoy valuable friendships. To this, he said of course he wants to take holidays with me (as if it goes without saying !!) and mentioned several places he wanted to explore together. But he rarely discusses the future like this unless pressed.
On top of this, he told me has started seeing a counsellor to work through his communication problems and tendency to ruminate on negative things. He recently discovered he did not get his dream job and said it was making him feel bad about everything.
I had hoped he would take my hands in his and say 'of course I can't wait to live with you!'. The next day I expressed my disappointment and he said he was excited about living together and had really enjoyed the 1 1/2 trial run before. He then started discussing options, like whether I would move to be with him and said he is willing to move here for a year or so. He asked me about the type of place I would like to live in and we more or less agreed on a small city we both like if I can get a job there (his commute would be 20 mins). Essentially we will make a decision based on who can get a job where come Summer.
But I wanted him to be gung-ho and now worry we'll take the next step without him being 100% on board. On the other hand, I do still want to build a future together. Am I hoping for something too idealised? Or am I right to be a little worried by this? I suggested taking a step back from the relationship for a time if he is uncertain, but he assured me that is not what he wants...
As our LDR is due to end in shortly over 4 months, I opened up a dialogue with my boyfriend who had suddenly developed cold feet over the real prospect of moving in together (even though he initiated it at first).
He flew out to spend 4 days with me this week - beforehand I had told him I wanted to have a talk about what the future holds for us. But the conversation did not go as I had planned - he said that while he loves me very much, he was fearful that we didn't share the same long-term vision (because he wants to live somewhere rural similar to where he grew up; I had said I don't yet & that's true, but I am more open to doing so in a few years). He also mentioned that I seem 'jealous' when his friends invite him on trips, when really I just want him to prioritise holidays with me and still be able to enjoy valuable friendships. To this, he said of course he wants to take holidays with me (as if it goes without saying !!) and mentioned several places he wanted to explore together. But he rarely discusses the future like this unless pressed.
On top of this, he told me has started seeing a counsellor to work through his communication problems and tendency to ruminate on negative things. He recently discovered he did not get his dream job and said it was making him feel bad about everything.
I had hoped he would take my hands in his and say 'of course I can't wait to live with you!'. The next day I expressed my disappointment and he said he was excited about living together and had really enjoyed the 1 1/2 trial run before. He then started discussing options, like whether I would move to be with him and said he is willing to move here for a year or so. He asked me about the type of place I would like to live in and we more or less agreed on a small city we both like if I can get a job there (his commute would be 20 mins). Essentially we will make a decision based on who can get a job where come Summer.
But I wanted him to be gung-ho and now worry we'll take the next step without him being 100% on board. On the other hand, I do still want to build a future together. Am I hoping for something too idealised? Or am I right to be a little worried by this? I suggested taking a step back from the relationship for a time if he is uncertain, but he assured me that is not what he wants...
I think it can be very stressful to view this as a "permanent decision". He might be psyching himself out by building this up to be the equivalent of a life decision like getting married. It isn't. It's cohabitation. If I could talk to him I would say: "You are getting a new roommate who also happens to be the person you are dating. If it doesn't work out, it is not the end of the world. Don't get so caught up worrying about failure that you don't let yourself experience good things."
As for yourself, try not to build this up either. I almost ruined my relationship with my now-husband by overreacting and stressing myself out when we moved in together after a year of being in a LDR. Relax and be forgiving of each other. If it lasts it will take work, but it should not take your sanity.
posted by domo at 11:57 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
As for yourself, try not to build this up either. I almost ruined my relationship with my now-husband by overreacting and stressing myself out when we moved in together after a year of being in a LDR. Relax and be forgiving of each other. If it lasts it will take work, but it should not take your sanity.
posted by domo at 11:57 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Try to be careful that you aren't teaching him that honest responses cause problems. It is OK to be disappointed that he wasn't enthusiastic and it is Ok to tell him so. But you also want to be respectful of the fact that feelings can be complicated and just because he isn't over the moon doesn't mean that, all in all, he doesn't want to do it. I think it is more important to your future that you can practice conversations that are both honest and caring - after all this whole thing would be much easier if you could trust that when he says he wants to, he is in fact being honest.
posted by metahawk at 12:08 PM on January 29, 2018 [21 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 12:08 PM on January 29, 2018 [21 favorites]
2nding the above -- while you both should be honest about your feelings and reactions, you're kind of skirting the edge of punishing him for his honesty. I'm not sure why your offered middle ground is "step back from the relationship" (which is to say, low-key break up, and a pretty significant threat!) and not "live in the same city but not in the same house," which seems a lot less hostile.
You're not necessarily hoping for something too idealized but you are hoping for something far too specific. It's not too idealistic to expect that your partner is enthusiastic, and on the same page as you. But you literally wrote his lines for him in your head, complete with stage directions, and you're mad he didn't follow the script that he never read.
I know you didn't say you're mad, but TBH I think you are, or your reaction wouldn't be "well maybe we should just step back from the relationship."
He expressed some real concerns that are putting a damper on his enthusiasm; it seems like, from your responses, that those concerns turn out not to be well-founded. And that's great! But let me tell you, from someone many years into a cohabitation whose partner now wants to move somewhere that I hate with the fire of a thousand suns...that shit is important. Don't blow it off with "oh sure at some point fine" if in secret you know the answer is "hell naw, but maybe he'll forget."
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:26 PM on January 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
You're not necessarily hoping for something too idealized but you are hoping for something far too specific. It's not too idealistic to expect that your partner is enthusiastic, and on the same page as you. But you literally wrote his lines for him in your head, complete with stage directions, and you're mad he didn't follow the script that he never read.
I know you didn't say you're mad, but TBH I think you are, or your reaction wouldn't be "well maybe we should just step back from the relationship."
He expressed some real concerns that are putting a damper on his enthusiasm; it seems like, from your responses, that those concerns turn out not to be well-founded. And that's great! But let me tell you, from someone many years into a cohabitation whose partner now wants to move somewhere that I hate with the fire of a thousand suns...that shit is important. Don't blow it off with "oh sure at some point fine" if in secret you know the answer is "hell naw, but maybe he'll forget."
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:26 PM on January 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
Am I reading correctly that you guys have only been together for four months with it all being LDR? If that is the case, please don't move in together yet. Both of you get a studio apartment a 5min walk away from each other, maybe even in the same complex. You guys should get to know each other in person before you also learn how to co-habitate. This is especially true if he's already adjusting his outlook about his own future and trying to work out communication issues. There is no reason "to take a step back," maybe just take a smaller (but still GIANT) step forward.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 12:29 PM on January 29, 2018 [21 favorites]
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 12:29 PM on January 29, 2018 [21 favorites]
He's an adult. Take him at his word.
posted by metasarah at 12:31 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 12:31 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
In a relationship, people tend to readily tell you who they are/where they are at any given time if we listen, and to your credit you certainly seem to be hearing him. Am I hoping for something too idealised? No, it is not too idealized to want someone to be psyched to move in with you. Or am I right to be a little worried by this? Yes, absolutely. You are right to question him about his feelings about doing this and not feeling great about this posture of riding the brakes yet saying he wants to continue. That is an age old recipe for disappointment and misery. Keep asking the right questions and trusting your gut.
posted by incolorinred at 12:33 PM on January 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by incolorinred at 12:33 PM on January 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
Also I was assuming you've been together a long time but long distance for 4 months (8 months of long-distance total). If you've literally only been together 4 months so far, never lived in the same city, and have already had all this drama AND are already planning to move in together...holy shitsnacks, he doesn't have cold feet, he has a sound head on his shoulders.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:36 PM on January 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:36 PM on January 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
It's hard to tell what's going on from this question - I wonder if maybe he feels steamrolled into doing what you want (which wouldn't necessarily be all your fault - those "communication problems" he's working on in counselling might well involve being bad at making his own needs known, a problem many of us suffer from). It seems like he's been trying to tell you that he has different long-term plans than you do, and you've been saying, "but that will be fine!" but... maybe it won't be?
Some guys go along to get along, even when it's not really what they want. They're generally trying to be nice/good, but it can cause a lot of hurt and waste a lot of time, because they do break eventually.
How long have you guys even been together? Is the 4 months of LDR the whole relationship, or were you together in the same place before that? On preview, I agree with the above posters: if the 4 months of LDR *is* the whole relationship you're moving too fast. And maybe he knows that and won't actually move in with you 4 months from now. Have a backup plan.
posted by mskyle at 12:36 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Some guys go along to get along, even when it's not really what they want. They're generally trying to be nice/good, but it can cause a lot of hurt and waste a lot of time, because they do break eventually.
How long have you guys even been together? Is the 4 months of LDR the whole relationship, or were you together in the same place before that? On preview, I agree with the above posters: if the 4 months of LDR *is* the whole relationship you're moving too fast. And maybe he knows that and won't actually move in with you 4 months from now. Have a backup plan.
posted by mskyle at 12:36 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
I assume this is the boyfriend from your posting history - i strongly reiterate, do not move in together. Also, everyone always says relationships are work, and they are! But they shouldn't be hard work from the very beginning. You want him to feel and respond exactly like you want and when he doesn't, you seem to want to threaten ending things. It seems like you both are trying to force this because this is just the point you're in in your life so time to make this work. He's not going to magically turn into the guy you've imagined in your head. This can be a problem in all relationships, but especially LDRs.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 12:44 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 12:44 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: To clarify: we will have been together for 2 years by the time we are moving in together. When I moved abroad, we had had an IRL relationship for one year.
Also, he was the first one to ever say 'I want you to move in with me.' That's why him taking a step back was super confusing, because it wasn't like I'd been pushing. Today he said he'd want us to get our own place together, as a fresh start, rather than me moving back in with him again.
posted by Willow251 at 12:49 PM on January 29, 2018
Also, he was the first one to ever say 'I want you to move in with me.' That's why him taking a step back was super confusing, because it wasn't like I'd been pushing. Today he said he'd want us to get our own place together, as a fresh start, rather than me moving back in with him again.
posted by Willow251 at 12:49 PM on January 29, 2018
But I wanted him to be gung-ho and now worry we'll take the next step without him being 100% on board.
Well, he's not gung-ho and doesn't appear to be 100%.
On the other hand, I do still want to build a future together.
You still can. You don't have to live together to be together.
Living together now isn't your only option. It sounds like he isn't ready for that. If one of you isn't ready, then the relationship isn't ready.
posted by headnsouth at 1:22 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Well, he's not gung-ho and doesn't appear to be 100%.
On the other hand, I do still want to build a future together.
You still can. You don't have to live together to be together.
Living together now isn't your only option. It sounds like he isn't ready for that. If one of you isn't ready, then the relationship isn't ready.
posted by headnsouth at 1:22 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
If he's going to balk/chicken out/otherwise not be totally enthusiastic, don't sign a lease with him. It's easier to not commit with a lease now than if he freaks and changes his mind after he signs.
I'm sorry he's freaking on you. I'd be thinking about taking a step back from the relationship too, to be honest. If he's freaking out at the idea of it progressing, that sounds reasonable to me.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:52 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry he's freaking on you. I'd be thinking about taking a step back from the relationship too, to be honest. If he's freaking out at the idea of it progressing, that sounds reasonable to me.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:52 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
I can't tell if he's truly not into living together or if you're putting an unhelpful level of pressure on the situation. If he's the type who ruminates on negative things, he may never be the type to "take my hands in his and say 'of course I can't wait to live with you!" That doesn't mean that you guys can't move in together and have a great life. He may just often struggle with doubts when on the brink of a big decision. That could be part of his personality. But if this is a big change in how he's acting, I'd hold off and rent places near one another first. In any case, you saying "I want you to be excited and you're not excited" ... you're entitled to want that, but also, his feelings are his feelings, and it's going to be best if you can accept that about him and talk about the substance rather than make it about how he's not feeling the way you wish he were.
posted by salvia at 2:00 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by salvia at 2:00 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: He also freaked before we moved in together as a trial run. And before our first holiday together. Both went really well (according to him)!
My boyfriend is very much the type to seem happy go lucky to the outside world most of the time. Even recently, he has seemed fine, but clearly he is not, hence counselling. You're all giving me lots to consider.
posted by Willow251 at 2:04 PM on January 29, 2018
My boyfriend is very much the type to seem happy go lucky to the outside world most of the time. Even recently, he has seemed fine, but clearly he is not, hence counselling. You're all giving me lots to consider.
posted by Willow251 at 2:04 PM on January 29, 2018
But the conversation did not go as I had planned - he said that while he loves me very much, he was fearful that we didn't share the same long-term vision
He also mentioned that I seem 'jealous' when his friends invite him on trips
But he rarely discusses the future like this unless pressed.
I don't think he's suddenly developed cold feet. I think he's probably been thinking about these things for a long time and just hasn't brought them up before because the relationship has been long distance and he hasn't had to deal with it. Saying you want to move in with someone is entirely different to actually discussing how it will happen and taking the concrete steps to make that happen. He hasn't been initiating the discussions or taking the actions to make this happen. You brought it up and he told you his concerns. He's told you that he's not 100%. He has outright told you that he has concerns about this. That means he is not 100% on board or sure about moving in together.
So yeah, you are right to be concerned. You should probably listen to his concerns. Whether or not that means staying in the relationship living separately or taking a step back, but I wouldn't move in with him.
posted by Polychrome at 2:34 PM on January 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
He also mentioned that I seem 'jealous' when his friends invite him on trips
But he rarely discusses the future like this unless pressed.
I don't think he's suddenly developed cold feet. I think he's probably been thinking about these things for a long time and just hasn't brought them up before because the relationship has been long distance and he hasn't had to deal with it. Saying you want to move in with someone is entirely different to actually discussing how it will happen and taking the concrete steps to make that happen. He hasn't been initiating the discussions or taking the actions to make this happen. You brought it up and he told you his concerns. He's told you that he's not 100%. He has outright told you that he has concerns about this. That means he is not 100% on board or sure about moving in together.
So yeah, you are right to be concerned. You should probably listen to his concerns. Whether or not that means staying in the relationship living separately or taking a step back, but I wouldn't move in with him.
posted by Polychrome at 2:34 PM on January 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
It sounds like your boyfriend loves you and wants to continue being with you; it sounds like he also wants to be true to himself and is working on figuring his own priorities, wants, needs, and more. As you said, his not getting the dream job felt awful and has really shaken him up. I think it's really good of him to be seeing the counselor and working on himself, because that will be the best for him -- and you and your relationship -- in the long term. I can totally understand your disappointment and also can understand his hesitation. Moving in together is a huge deal, especially when one or both people are relocating. There's no need to rush things -- some people move in after five weeks and others after five years but there's no perfect formula. It's much better to wait and feel better than rush and regret it. However, you can always move in, then out yet stay together but it's easier emotionally and logistically to wait.
Living apart in the same town is one option. Continuing the relationship as an LDR in new locations is an option, too. You always have the right to end the relationship if it isn't working for you. However, it sounds like giving each other some more time to decide is best, say six months or a year. It really sounds like he doesn't know what he wants for himself in life right now -- unrelated to the relationship -- so he could move to a rural location then really miss you and be sure about coming to you. It's possible he changes what he wants but that's better to know anyway. Regardless, just as he is -- and should -- do what's best for him now, I suggest you do what's best for you in terms of job and location. I believe that, if it's meant to be, it will last. Relationships are about compromise and commitment to each other but they're also about making sure individual needs are being met -- in fact, that's part of the commitment and compromise, especially when you're young or in a time of change. Best of luck to you both!
posted by smorgasbord at 6:51 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Living apart in the same town is one option. Continuing the relationship as an LDR in new locations is an option, too. You always have the right to end the relationship if it isn't working for you. However, it sounds like giving each other some more time to decide is best, say six months or a year. It really sounds like he doesn't know what he wants for himself in life right now -- unrelated to the relationship -- so he could move to a rural location then really miss you and be sure about coming to you. It's possible he changes what he wants but that's better to know anyway. Regardless, just as he is -- and should -- do what's best for him now, I suggest you do what's best for you in terms of job and location. I believe that, if it's meant to be, it will last. Relationships are about compromise and commitment to each other but they're also about making sure individual needs are being met -- in fact, that's part of the commitment and compromise, especially when you're young or in a time of change. Best of luck to you both!
posted by smorgasbord at 6:51 PM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: The poster above said I seem angry, but I actually just feel deeply hurt, which may come across that way.
Just months ago, he said he wanted me to move in with him and said 'I am in this for the long haul.' Now, he isn't sure. I want to take a step back because I am no longer sure that I can trust him to look after my heart. People are saying don't push before he is ready; which is fine, but how do I know when he will be ready?
And I am scared, most of all, because I love him more than I have loved any man previously. What if he doesn't share those feelings and I am strung along indefinitely? I feel vulnerable and am not sure how to proceed while taking care of myself now. In LDR we usually talk every day and Skype for hours x2 a week, but I am not feeling I want to continue that to the same extent, at least for now.
posted by Willow251 at 5:29 AM on January 30, 2018
Just months ago, he said he wanted me to move in with him and said 'I am in this for the long haul.' Now, he isn't sure. I want to take a step back because I am no longer sure that I can trust him to look after my heart. People are saying don't push before he is ready; which is fine, but how do I know when he will be ready?
And I am scared, most of all, because I love him more than I have loved any man previously. What if he doesn't share those feelings and I am strung along indefinitely? I feel vulnerable and am not sure how to proceed while taking care of myself now. In LDR we usually talk every day and Skype for hours x2 a week, but I am not feeling I want to continue that to the same extent, at least for now.
posted by Willow251 at 5:29 AM on January 30, 2018
And I am scared, most of all, because I love him more than I have loved any man previously.
This is scary as hell and your feelings are totally understandable. But please don't let the feeling of vulnerability turn into a mad scramble to cling to this guy or else push him away defensively for not clinging back equally hard. Breathe through this. Find external support, if necessary. Vent to friends or therapists whenever you feel scared he won't ever love you back as much as you love him. Read a book or drink some tea or take a bath when the feeling gets so intense that you are tempted to say something to him about it right this minute. Try to slowly develop these habits of self-soothing.
posted by MiraK at 12:33 PM on January 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
This is scary as hell and your feelings are totally understandable. But please don't let the feeling of vulnerability turn into a mad scramble to cling to this guy or else push him away defensively for not clinging back equally hard. Breathe through this. Find external support, if necessary. Vent to friends or therapists whenever you feel scared he won't ever love you back as much as you love him. Read a book or drink some tea or take a bath when the feeling gets so intense that you are tempted to say something to him about it right this minute. Try to slowly develop these habits of self-soothing.
posted by MiraK at 12:33 PM on January 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
I actually think it's a good idea to dial it back if he's freaking about progressing in the relationship. Either he misses you when you don't contact him as much, or... he doesn't. Which is good information to know, right?
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:38 PM on January 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:38 PM on January 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
By the poster above saying you seem angry, were you referring to my comment about feeling disappointment? I define disappointment as sadness in one's hopes not being fulfilled, not anger. I think some people get angry as a result but I didn't see that in you at all, more than you are now unsettled and unsure of how to proceed. It sounds like you are wanting to honor yourself but also respecting him.
I agree with you and jenfullmoon about taking a step back from such constant communication. If he reaches out to you, you'll have proof of his active interest and commitment. If he doesn't, it would be sad but give you a chance to reassess things. I think it's too bad that he changed his mind but it's good that he was honest with you. You can also be honest with him and share everything you have here right now and see how he reacts.
posted by smorgasbord at 2:47 PM on January 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
I agree with you and jenfullmoon about taking a step back from such constant communication. If he reaches out to you, you'll have proof of his active interest and commitment. If he doesn't, it would be sad but give you a chance to reassess things. I think it's too bad that he changed his mind but it's good that he was honest with you. You can also be honest with him and share everything you have here right now and see how he reacts.
posted by smorgasbord at 2:47 PM on January 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Your responses have helped me so much, thank you.
I have calmed down and been able to relax some now. MiraK, I just bought some nice tea and will be filling a box with relaxing bath bombs to work my way through!
After he went home, I dialled way back on communication & he responded by contacting me more. Tonight he called and we talked for 1 1/2 hours, then he asked when we could Skype this weekend.
On the one hand, I feel I am now aware of his true feelings and will go forward accordingly (ie. hoping we take the step to move in together with a more mutual enthusiasm, but also knowing he may change his mind again). smorgasbord, you are exactly right about my current emotions.
The positives are: I do feel loved by him. He has integrated me into his life increasingly and says I am the first woman he has wanted to become serious with. Whether these are mainly words, that won't translate into actions, I don't know. But for now...we've just booked our next trip to spend time together and I'm also focusing on arranging a trip with my girlfriends in Summer. Tying myself up in knots won't change my boyfriend's actions, so I can only alter how I react to it as best I can.
posted by Willow251 at 2:13 PM on January 31, 2018 [2 favorites]
I have calmed down and been able to relax some now. MiraK, I just bought some nice tea and will be filling a box with relaxing bath bombs to work my way through!
After he went home, I dialled way back on communication & he responded by contacting me more. Tonight he called and we talked for 1 1/2 hours, then he asked when we could Skype this weekend.
On the one hand, I feel I am now aware of his true feelings and will go forward accordingly (ie. hoping we take the step to move in together with a more mutual enthusiasm, but also knowing he may change his mind again). smorgasbord, you are exactly right about my current emotions.
The positives are: I do feel loved by him. He has integrated me into his life increasingly and says I am the first woman he has wanted to become serious with. Whether these are mainly words, that won't translate into actions, I don't know. But for now...we've just booked our next trip to spend time together and I'm also focusing on arranging a trip with my girlfriends in Summer. Tying myself up in knots won't change my boyfriend's actions, so I can only alter how I react to it as best I can.
posted by Willow251 at 2:13 PM on January 31, 2018 [2 favorites]
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posted by phunniemee at 11:54 AM on January 29, 2018 [50 favorites]