My mom had a stroke, and we both could use some help.
January 29, 2018 11:24 AM Subscribe
My mom had a stroke recently and is left with some physical limitations. She's currently in a skilled nursing facility, but will have to transition out of there in about 8 weeks. I am the only caretaker, and she and I both are completely overwhelmed. I could use some help figuring out logistics for when she comes home, and wouldn't turn down some advice on how to keep my own sanity through all of this.
My mom is in her 60s, and until the stroke, was still working part-time and living completely independently in a house about 2 hours from me. I am currently splitting my time between cities, trying to visit her often while taking care of her house/bills/pet and my own house/bills/pets/job. I am exhausted, but managing.
She's well taken care of now and is doing a lot of intense speech/physical/occupations therapy.
My concern is when she has to leave skilled nursing. The facility social worker will help me order things like a wheelchair, bathroom safety bars, etc., but I feel like there is SO MUCH else to figure out. She may be able to walk with a walker, but as of now she has no function in one arm (which makes the walker difficult). Her goal is to go back to her house, take her dog back, and go about life like before, but retired. I am concerned that with one arm, not-great-mobility, and possibly the inability to drive, she's not going to be able to manage this without me visiting every week, which just isn't sustainable for me. We have briefly discussed the worst-case: if she cannot manage life independently, she will have to move to my city. That scenario brings up a whole lot of challenges that I cannot even comprehend right now.
So my questions I guess are:
1. Good online resources for stroke victims and caregivers? There is a support group in her city, but I certainly don't have the capacity for adding something else to my schedule right now.
2. Good resources for finding tools/tricks/hacks that will make one-armed life easier? What challenges am I maybe not thinking of that will come with losing function in an arm/hand?
3. Ideas for keeping her fed? Her city is not big enough to have Amazon Fresh or anything similar, and I'm struggling to figure out how to get food to her house, especially considering her cooking ability may be limited. Also, the solution has to work within a social security budget.
4. How do I keep from being stressed and cranky during this? I have a very demanding job and an active social life, and I feel like I'm going to lose everything in attempt to take care of mom. I get frustrated easily and I'm pretty close to being at my wit's end at all times. I have had to curtail a lot of work travel and cancel some leisure trips, plus my normal routine has just been totally blown to bits. I'm normally a person who handles stress very, very well, but I'm overwhelmed and struggling.
5. Anything else I'm not thinking of?
My mom is in her 60s, and until the stroke, was still working part-time and living completely independently in a house about 2 hours from me. I am currently splitting my time between cities, trying to visit her often while taking care of her house/bills/pet and my own house/bills/pets/job. I am exhausted, but managing.
She's well taken care of now and is doing a lot of intense speech/physical/occupations therapy.
My concern is when she has to leave skilled nursing. The facility social worker will help me order things like a wheelchair, bathroom safety bars, etc., but I feel like there is SO MUCH else to figure out. She may be able to walk with a walker, but as of now she has no function in one arm (which makes the walker difficult). Her goal is to go back to her house, take her dog back, and go about life like before, but retired. I am concerned that with one arm, not-great-mobility, and possibly the inability to drive, she's not going to be able to manage this without me visiting every week, which just isn't sustainable for me. We have briefly discussed the worst-case: if she cannot manage life independently, she will have to move to my city. That scenario brings up a whole lot of challenges that I cannot even comprehend right now.
So my questions I guess are:
1. Good online resources for stroke victims and caregivers? There is a support group in her city, but I certainly don't have the capacity for adding something else to my schedule right now.
2. Good resources for finding tools/tricks/hacks that will make one-armed life easier? What challenges am I maybe not thinking of that will come with losing function in an arm/hand?
3. Ideas for keeping her fed? Her city is not big enough to have Amazon Fresh or anything similar, and I'm struggling to figure out how to get food to her house, especially considering her cooking ability may be limited. Also, the solution has to work within a social security budget.
4. How do I keep from being stressed and cranky during this? I have a very demanding job and an active social life, and I feel like I'm going to lose everything in attempt to take care of mom. I get frustrated easily and I'm pretty close to being at my wit's end at all times. I have had to curtail a lot of work travel and cancel some leisure trips, plus my normal routine has just been totally blown to bits. I'm normally a person who handles stress very, very well, but I'm overwhelmed and struggling.
5. Anything else I'm not thinking of?
I know this isn't the same, but when I broke my arm, I found youtube videos that helped me figure out how to get dressed. Crazy Russian Hacker's video on how to take your shirt off saved my life. There are more serious videos by occupational therapists as well.
I would also suggest looking for senior services in your city. They are really focused on helping people live independently. We found lots of resources for my aunt (unfortunately, she refused all of them - but that's a different problem).
posted by FencingGal at 11:45 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
I would also suggest looking for senior services in your city. They are really focused on helping people live independently. We found lots of resources for my aunt (unfortunately, she refused all of them - but that's a different problem).
posted by FencingGal at 11:45 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
It might help a lot if you plan on intense support (including the weekly visits) for say 6-8 weeks after discharge and the re-evaluate. Be clear with yourself that you know that this needs to a short term phase and you expected or required to sustain it. During that time, there will be a combination of continued recovery and learning to adjust so that you will have a much better idea of your mother's condition after this period of adjustment.
Makes sure that your mother gets a prescription for both an occupational and physical therapist to come to her home after discharge. An OT can be an absolutely fantastic resource for teaching your mother how to get things done within her limitations and he/she will know about all kinds of tools that will help. In my experience, when your mother is getting ready for discharge, there will be a home visit to help you figure out how to get the house ready and safe for her return.
Finally, you might be able to arrange for your mother to hire a helper for just a few hours a week to assist with chores, including taking her to store and help her shop.
posted by metahawk at 12:03 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Makes sure that your mother gets a prescription for both an occupational and physical therapist to come to her home after discharge. An OT can be an absolutely fantastic resource for teaching your mother how to get things done within her limitations and he/she will know about all kinds of tools that will help. In my experience, when your mother is getting ready for discharge, there will be a home visit to help you figure out how to get the house ready and safe for her return.
Finally, you might be able to arrange for your mother to hire a helper for just a few hours a week to assist with chores, including taking her to store and help her shop.
posted by metahawk at 12:03 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Hi! I had a stroke at birth (resulting in cerebral palsy) but only in recent years have sought out Stroke Recovery information. I know you’re in the US, but one source of information that has been helpful to me is March of Dimes Canada. I’m linking directly to their Stroke Recovery Program because it looks like there is a useful PDF for people in your scenario. (I didn’t know until recently that March of Dimes Canada focuses on strokes/physical disability programs, while March of Dimes USA is more about pregnancy and birth defects).
I live my life 1.5 handed permanently (gross motor function only in left hand), and have answered such questions about adaptations and tricks in past AskMe’s, so look through my answer history or MeMail me with any questions. I’m much younger than your mom, but decided to stop working and become retired/on disability benefits in order to take care of my body - but that doesn’t mean you or she can’t live a full and enriching life! You can do this. Both of you. There’s lots of support out there, you’re just on a learning curve of new information.
posted by carabiner at 12:23 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
I live my life 1.5 handed permanently (gross motor function only in left hand), and have answered such questions about adaptations and tricks in past AskMe’s, so look through my answer history or MeMail me with any questions. I’m much younger than your mom, but decided to stop working and become retired/on disability benefits in order to take care of my body - but that doesn’t mean you or she can’t live a full and enriching life! You can do this. Both of you. There’s lots of support out there, you’re just on a learning curve of new information.
posted by carabiner at 12:23 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Ask for a visit with the facility's social worker! This is just the kind of thing they are brilliant at helping you plan for, and they should be able to provide information about what assistance she is entitled to through her insurance like physical therapy and occupational therapy, which can be delivered at home. Occupational therapy is especially important because it focuses on practical aspects like figuring out how to dress, bathe, toilet, feed herself with limited - and different - mobility than she is used to. Patients can continue to improve for long periods of time after strokes, with determination and good physical therapy, but as more time elapses the incremental improvement will probably be smaller than improvements closer to the event. Please push her doctors to continue to order physical and OT, even after the initial period. They will often continue to prescribe this if the patient and family believe it will help. And in my experience the doctors are very reliant on the therapists to guide them. If the therapist is the patient's champion doctors are often eager to cooperate. This is in contrast to most doctor-patient dynamics, where the doctor is IN CHARGE. Rehab is different.
In my state, after a stroke patients are not allowed to drive unless they can pass a specific test administered by a licensed facility, and only if referred by their physician. My father had a stroke about 2 years ago and never regained the ability to drive. In his situation this was not too difficult, because he lives in a large city with lots of transportation options, and he has a spouse who drives. (With prolonged physical and occupational therapy he had a notable improvement cognitively. His handwriting is still shaky, but he can manage his money and is sharp mentally. Even 6 months after the stroke he was not able to compute change or balance his checkbook. So cognitive skills continued to improve, but not physical skills, in his case).
Have you suggested that she consider moving into an assisted living facility? Some may allow pets if that is a major issue, and they would certainly be handicap accessible. If she is determined to stay in her smaller town, it might be a good compromise. A very difficult conversation, I know. But she is likely to need a lot of support, especially in the beginning.
Please connect with her social worker, who may have additional suggestions, and will certainly have more experience than a shell-shocked and overwhelmed child does. She may also know of support groups for you and your mom that would be helpful to you both.
posted by citygirl at 12:41 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
In my state, after a stroke patients are not allowed to drive unless they can pass a specific test administered by a licensed facility, and only if referred by their physician. My father had a stroke about 2 years ago and never regained the ability to drive. In his situation this was not too difficult, because he lives in a large city with lots of transportation options, and he has a spouse who drives. (With prolonged physical and occupational therapy he had a notable improvement cognitively. His handwriting is still shaky, but he can manage his money and is sharp mentally. Even 6 months after the stroke he was not able to compute change or balance his checkbook. So cognitive skills continued to improve, but not physical skills, in his case).
Have you suggested that she consider moving into an assisted living facility? Some may allow pets if that is a major issue, and they would certainly be handicap accessible. If she is determined to stay in her smaller town, it might be a good compromise. A very difficult conversation, I know. But she is likely to need a lot of support, especially in the beginning.
Please connect with her social worker, who may have additional suggestions, and will certainly have more experience than a shell-shocked and overwhelmed child does. She may also know of support groups for you and your mom that would be helpful to you both.
posted by citygirl at 12:41 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
My father had a brain hemmorhage and is now living in a sheltered housing facility in Florida. The condo he lives in he inherited from his mom but they aren't very expensive to buy (well under $100k). There is a swimming pool, library and restaurant on-site and there are lots of social activities like chair yoga and a book club. Dogs under 15lbs are allowed. When his mom lived here she had nurses come in every day but my dad doesn't need this yet. Condo fees are around $450 per month and lots of food delivery services are available.
Maybe a community like this would be a good fit for your mom? Either near you or in Florida (there's a reason why elderly people retire here - it's nice and warm for them). Maybe she could afford something like this if she sells her house? Me-mail me for the facility name where my dad lives if you're interested.
posted by hazyjane at 1:30 PM on January 29, 2018
Maybe a community like this would be a good fit for your mom? Either near you or in Florida (there's a reason why elderly people retire here - it's nice and warm for them). Maybe she could afford something like this if she sells her house? Me-mail me for the facility name where my dad lives if you're interested.
posted by hazyjane at 1:30 PM on January 29, 2018
Would Hello Fresh or Plated appeal to you? She would still need to cook them, but the groceries she'd need would be delivered and, in my experience, many of the recipes are pretty easy, but I of course have use of both my arms. I've earned free boxes of both, so feel free to PM me.
Alternatively, I believe there are a lot of cooked meal delivery (or re-heat and eat) services that ship anywhere in the country. It would help if you shared where she is but maybe you can see if Freshly would deliver to her? I'd also look into Instacart for groceries, and many grocery stores themselves are now offering delivery too. No delivery service is going to be super cheap, but if it does replace normal grocery shopping and takeout, it might work.
Anyway, I would try to take a week off to spend with her when she gets out of the assisted facility back home. Use that week to assess what you can buy her or set up for her that will help her. She may just need help getting back into things and then she can get the hang of it. I would focus on finding ways to ensure she can be independent, not waiting on her hand-and-foot.
Also, you mentioned taking care of her bills... get all her bills on automatic payments. I've had to do a lot of work to get my mom using email, online banking, ordering stuff on Amazon, etc. but it's been worth it. When she travels, now she knows how to use Lyft and Uber, which could help your mom if she can't drive. We also use TeamViewer so I can help her use her computer and cell phone from afar. And I know all her passwords. I don't have to act as her secretary as much because she can do all this stuff on her own now.
posted by AppleTurnover at 2:34 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Alternatively, I believe there are a lot of cooked meal delivery (or re-heat and eat) services that ship anywhere in the country. It would help if you shared where she is but maybe you can see if Freshly would deliver to her? I'd also look into Instacart for groceries, and many grocery stores themselves are now offering delivery too. No delivery service is going to be super cheap, but if it does replace normal grocery shopping and takeout, it might work.
Anyway, I would try to take a week off to spend with her when she gets out of the assisted facility back home. Use that week to assess what you can buy her or set up for her that will help her. She may just need help getting back into things and then she can get the hang of it. I would focus on finding ways to ensure she can be independent, not waiting on her hand-and-foot.
Also, you mentioned taking care of her bills... get all her bills on automatic payments. I've had to do a lot of work to get my mom using email, online banking, ordering stuff on Amazon, etc. but it's been worth it. When she travels, now she knows how to use Lyft and Uber, which could help your mom if she can't drive. We also use TeamViewer so I can help her use her computer and cell phone from afar. And I know all her passwords. I don't have to act as her secretary as much because she can do all this stuff on her own now.
posted by AppleTurnover at 2:34 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
If your mom is on Medicare, all of this will be so much easier. The beauty of single-payer is that they have already figured out what her needs will be, as accurately as anyone can, and the social worker will be focused on hooking you and your mom up with the right services. Don't be afraid to ask, and don't be embarrassed to admit you're overwhelmed. Any decent social worker will hold your hand and explain what you need to know and what you need to do.
Here's something you might as well be prepared for: You will always feel like you are one step behind the curve. That is totally natural, you are one step behind the curve, and nobody ever does any better than that. So release yourself from feeling like you need to be on top of everything.
posted by DrGail at 3:08 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Here's something you might as well be prepared for: You will always feel like you are one step behind the curve. That is totally natural, you are one step behind the curve, and nobody ever does any better than that. So release yourself from feeling like you need to be on top of everything.
posted by DrGail at 3:08 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
You can adapt a walker to work with one arm. The search term is a platform attachment/gutter attachment (example, but I've never used this one). PT or OT will prescribe one of these with the walker if she needs it. This is a solvable problem.
In terms of one-arm tips, I gave some in previous threads as well. Not mentioned here is clothing - I would start with replacing all clothing to get rid of buttons, zips, snaps, hooks, etc. Elastic laces in the shoes.
If you can't take her home from rehab, just refuse. Find another home for mom .... the social worker must have a solution somehow if she can't be independent. Push the social worker to find a sustainable solution that works for your life. The workers will try their best to foist this problem onto you, push back.
Do you have a confidante to help you with all of these decisions? Make time for yourself to talk through this. A therapist for you can be very helpful, especially if you are having problems with guilt or a superhero complex. I hope you have support in this, it's so hard. Good luck.
posted by crazycanuck at 3:44 PM on January 29, 2018
In terms of one-arm tips, I gave some in previous threads as well. Not mentioned here is clothing - I would start with replacing all clothing to get rid of buttons, zips, snaps, hooks, etc. Elastic laces in the shoes.
If you can't take her home from rehab, just refuse. Find another home for mom .... the social worker must have a solution somehow if she can't be independent. Push the social worker to find a sustainable solution that works for your life. The workers will try their best to foist this problem onto you, push back.
Do you have a confidante to help you with all of these decisions? Make time for yourself to talk through this. A therapist for you can be very helpful, especially if you are having problems with guilt or a superhero complex. I hope you have support in this, it's so hard. Good luck.
posted by crazycanuck at 3:44 PM on January 29, 2018
Does she live in a city where paratransit is an option? That might help quite a bit with mobility and independence, as well as getting her to/from speech/physical/occupational therapy appointments once she's out of rehab.
Talk with the facility social worker about whether she might be dual eligible, i.e. now eligible for Medicaid as well as Medicare due to her disability. This can provide some additional resources.
Another option might be to get an aide a few hours a day, for light cooking/housekeeping/possibly errands. Medicare may cover some portion of this, but usually only for skilled needs. When my great-aunt's macular degeneration got to the point where she had trouble cooking and driving, but wanted to stay in her house, she hired a live-in companion type aide. Her arrangement was informal which led to some trouble when she passed away years later, so if you go this route, make it formal and above-board.
posted by basalganglia at 4:42 PM on January 29, 2018
Talk with the facility social worker about whether she might be dual eligible, i.e. now eligible for Medicaid as well as Medicare due to her disability. This can provide some additional resources.
Another option might be to get an aide a few hours a day, for light cooking/housekeeping/possibly errands. Medicare may cover some portion of this, but usually only for skilled needs. When my great-aunt's macular degeneration got to the point where she had trouble cooking and driving, but wanted to stay in her house, she hired a live-in companion type aide. Her arrangement was informal which led to some trouble when she passed away years later, so if you go this route, make it formal and above-board.
posted by basalganglia at 4:42 PM on January 29, 2018
My father had a major stroke at age 60 and it sounds like your mom has about the same deficits as he did when he was a few months post-stroke. First of all: it will get better. It will be very overwhelming, not only logistically but emotionally. It's difficult to see your parent struggle. But she will get better, she will adjust to her new life, and so will you.
There are lots of things that will probably come up over the next few months that you would never think of. For example, getting food is something that my dad just cannot do for himself. He walks with a quad cane (he started in a wheelchair and transitioned to the quad cane within the first six months post-stroke) and his right side does not work, so he can't walk and carry food at the same time.
If she's going to be wearing a brace on the leg that does not work, she will probably need two different sized shoes. As someone else mentioned, clothes will need to be more one-armed friendly. A lot of adaptive clothing is ugly as hell, but I recently discovered that Tommy Hilfiger has a whole line that's super nice.
Another thing to consider: Mom is probably going to have quite a few doctors' and therapy appointments in the next few months. Someone above mentioned paratransit, which is definitely something to look into. My dad wasn't able to drive until about one year post-stroke (he had to take a drivers test for a modified license/car) and my stepmom doesn't drive, so my sister had to move home for awhile to be his chaffeur. He also took a lot of Ubers, if that's an option in mom's city. We were surprised by how accommodating most Uber drivers were in terms of helping him get into and out of the car.
Memail me if you have any other questions. (hugs)
posted by anotheraccount at 4:11 AM on January 30, 2018
There are lots of things that will probably come up over the next few months that you would never think of. For example, getting food is something that my dad just cannot do for himself. He walks with a quad cane (he started in a wheelchair and transitioned to the quad cane within the first six months post-stroke) and his right side does not work, so he can't walk and carry food at the same time.
If she's going to be wearing a brace on the leg that does not work, she will probably need two different sized shoes. As someone else mentioned, clothes will need to be more one-armed friendly. A lot of adaptive clothing is ugly as hell, but I recently discovered that Tommy Hilfiger has a whole line that's super nice.
Another thing to consider: Mom is probably going to have quite a few doctors' and therapy appointments in the next few months. Someone above mentioned paratransit, which is definitely something to look into. My dad wasn't able to drive until about one year post-stroke (he had to take a drivers test for a modified license/car) and my stepmom doesn't drive, so my sister had to move home for awhile to be his chaffeur. He also took a lot of Ubers, if that's an option in mom's city. We were surprised by how accommodating most Uber drivers were in terms of helping him get into and out of the car.
Memail me if you have any other questions. (hugs)
posted by anotheraccount at 4:11 AM on January 30, 2018
You have some great advice on Questions 1-3, so let me address Question 4, as I'm learning how to deal with this myself, as the primary caregiver for an increasingly fragile parent.
It is okay and normal to be cranky and stressed out by this. I cannot emphasize this enough. Nothing prepares you for how shitty caregiving-for-a-parent experiences are, precisely because it is a caregiving experience that most of us in this situation had no agency in choosing or timing, unlike other caregiving experiences.
Things I have learned the hard way:
1. You have to put on your own oxygen mask first. You cannot advocate well for your Mom if you aren't getting enough sleep and staying hydrated and doing the other things you need to be a functional person.
2. When Mom goes home, set up a system that will give you both piece of mind. My dad texts me every night at 9pm with just a short "Doing OK," and if I don't hear from him, I call him and am prepared to drive up.
2a. A good supplement to this is to call your county's Council on Aging office. Many offer services like a life alert button she can wear around her neck as a backup in case she falls. They also might offer services like housekeeping or errand assistance, bathroom grab bar and stairway railing installation, transportation to doctor's visits, and meals on wheels. These services are often very affordable.
3. Being resentful is totally normal. I struggle with this every single day. I totally get it, and do not let the martyr culture of caregiving make you feel bad about how you are doing the best you can under hellish circumstances. Forgive yourself if you act like a jerk, because it's inevitable under the stress. When things get really bad and you think "how the fuck am I going to survive the next week" concentrate on getting through today. If today is too hard, concentrate on getting through the next hour.
4. I don't know what your work culture or social circle is like, but I am extremely open about when my Dad is experiencing increased health drama. My go-to line is "I am the only child and primary caregiver to my 85 year old father who lives alone and right now things are pretty tricky, so please understand if I have to bail on $THING at the last minute" Anyone who is a caregiver themselves will get it and be compassionate, and anyone who gives you grief about it can go fuck themselves.
5. At the same time, you can't let the #4 response dictate the rest of your life. So do not be afraid to establish your own boundaries even if the world and your conscience is howling at you to drop everything and attend to your Mom's every need. This is one of the most insidious parts of our late-stage capitalist patriarchy that demands women dedicate their entire being to elder caregiving. It is bullshit, and it's evidence that we have a long road to go towards establishing an actually humane social safety net in this country.
6. Figure out what parts of your career and your social life are the things that help you stay strong in the face of this. Some things can probably be back-burnered, while others need to stay on the front burner. Right now, I prioritize spending time with very close friends who won't blink if I burst into tears at dinner or have to bail at the last second because of my Dad, and I'm dialing back on more "social outing" type events where people don't know my current situation well.
This is really hard, and I'm sorry you're going through it. There's a lot of people out there dealing with the same shit, and because elder care is such a topic in the shadows of our culture, you often don't realize how many people are dealing with it until you open up to others. You can totally MeFi mail me if you need to vent or talk it out.
posted by mostly vowels at 3:39 PM on January 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
It is okay and normal to be cranky and stressed out by this. I cannot emphasize this enough. Nothing prepares you for how shitty caregiving-for-a-parent experiences are, precisely because it is a caregiving experience that most of us in this situation had no agency in choosing or timing, unlike other caregiving experiences.
Things I have learned the hard way:
1. You have to put on your own oxygen mask first. You cannot advocate well for your Mom if you aren't getting enough sleep and staying hydrated and doing the other things you need to be a functional person.
2. When Mom goes home, set up a system that will give you both piece of mind. My dad texts me every night at 9pm with just a short "Doing OK," and if I don't hear from him, I call him and am prepared to drive up.
2a. A good supplement to this is to call your county's Council on Aging office. Many offer services like a life alert button she can wear around her neck as a backup in case she falls. They also might offer services like housekeeping or errand assistance, bathroom grab bar and stairway railing installation, transportation to doctor's visits, and meals on wheels. These services are often very affordable.
3. Being resentful is totally normal. I struggle with this every single day. I totally get it, and do not let the martyr culture of caregiving make you feel bad about how you are doing the best you can under hellish circumstances. Forgive yourself if you act like a jerk, because it's inevitable under the stress. When things get really bad and you think "how the fuck am I going to survive the next week" concentrate on getting through today. If today is too hard, concentrate on getting through the next hour.
4. I don't know what your work culture or social circle is like, but I am extremely open about when my Dad is experiencing increased health drama. My go-to line is "I am the only child and primary caregiver to my 85 year old father who lives alone and right now things are pretty tricky, so please understand if I have to bail on $THING at the last minute" Anyone who is a caregiver themselves will get it and be compassionate, and anyone who gives you grief about it can go fuck themselves.
5. At the same time, you can't let the #4 response dictate the rest of your life. So do not be afraid to establish your own boundaries even if the world and your conscience is howling at you to drop everything and attend to your Mom's every need. This is one of the most insidious parts of our late-stage capitalist patriarchy that demands women dedicate their entire being to elder caregiving. It is bullshit, and it's evidence that we have a long road to go towards establishing an actually humane social safety net in this country.
6. Figure out what parts of your career and your social life are the things that help you stay strong in the face of this. Some things can probably be back-burnered, while others need to stay on the front burner. Right now, I prioritize spending time with very close friends who won't blink if I burst into tears at dinner or have to bail at the last second because of my Dad, and I'm dialing back on more "social outing" type events where people don't know my current situation well.
This is really hard, and I'm sorry you're going through it. There's a lot of people out there dealing with the same shit, and because elder care is such a topic in the shadows of our culture, you often don't realize how many people are dealing with it until you open up to others. You can totally MeFi mail me if you need to vent or talk it out.
posted by mostly vowels at 3:39 PM on January 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
I'm currently on the caregiving end of this scenario, at about 8 weeks out post-rehab. American Red Cross will provide transport to doctor's appointments (there will be a number of them initially) as long as the appointments are set up in advance and there is an ARC chapter in your mother's area.
Ask your mother's SNF case worker or PT department to order a hemi-walker for her and get them to start using that ASAP. It is literally a walker made for one-handed use. Your mom, with PT, will be able to Frankenstein around her living space provided there are clear paths down the hallways and livings spaces. All strokes heal differently but the lower limbs usually get a headstart on the rest of the body.
Home health PT/OT specialize in assessing homes for usability. Ask them tips for how to safeproof your mother's house to minimize fall risks and make her recovery go smoother. Make sure the SNF Dr orders all three therapies for your mother so there are no disruptions in care. The cognitive aspect is just as important as the physical aspects.
Meals on Wheels, local church groups, local pantries, local charities - start tapping all of them for resources as far as food, check-in calls, assistance on household needs (repairwork? anything mom took care of solo? needs help now.)
I would say the bulk of my time right now as a caregiver is spent with ADLs (activities of daily living) and coaching my relative through tasks they used to do independently. Sometimes a simple bank balance update may take an hour for a handful of charges. Rehabilitation goes slow - your mom will need some type of help to get through that critical period at home.
As for worrying about crankiness? I keep an even keel most days but since I'm taking care of two relatives while trying to get into a competitive program at college... even I lose my cool. Blowups are going to happen. Frustration is going to happen. Resentment is going to happen. Let it happen and then take a breather and get back to business again. The great thing is, even your mom is going to have those emotions. They are normal and they should be embraced. Hug (if that is your thing) her and let it ride.
Also? If at all possible, try to go to her doctor appointments. Let them see you, write things down, be a part of that side of things. Watch the meds your mom is put on, too. 5 or less over 65 is a great rule on prescriptions and I just weedled down my relative to 4 once they got home from rehab. Check the side effects, check the dosages, look everything up and don't be afraid to question the reasons why things were prescribed.
posted by missh at 5:03 AM on February 16, 2018
Ask your mother's SNF case worker or PT department to order a hemi-walker for her and get them to start using that ASAP. It is literally a walker made for one-handed use. Your mom, with PT, will be able to Frankenstein around her living space provided there are clear paths down the hallways and livings spaces. All strokes heal differently but the lower limbs usually get a headstart on the rest of the body.
Home health PT/OT specialize in assessing homes for usability. Ask them tips for how to safeproof your mother's house to minimize fall risks and make her recovery go smoother. Make sure the SNF Dr orders all three therapies for your mother so there are no disruptions in care. The cognitive aspect is just as important as the physical aspects.
Meals on Wheels, local church groups, local pantries, local charities - start tapping all of them for resources as far as food, check-in calls, assistance on household needs (repairwork? anything mom took care of solo? needs help now.)
I would say the bulk of my time right now as a caregiver is spent with ADLs (activities of daily living) and coaching my relative through tasks they used to do independently. Sometimes a simple bank balance update may take an hour for a handful of charges. Rehabilitation goes slow - your mom will need some type of help to get through that critical period at home.
As for worrying about crankiness? I keep an even keel most days but since I'm taking care of two relatives while trying to get into a competitive program at college... even I lose my cool. Blowups are going to happen. Frustration is going to happen. Resentment is going to happen. Let it happen and then take a breather and get back to business again. The great thing is, even your mom is going to have those emotions. They are normal and they should be embraced. Hug (if that is your thing) her and let it ride.
Also? If at all possible, try to go to her doctor appointments. Let them see you, write things down, be a part of that side of things. Watch the meds your mom is put on, too. 5 or less over 65 is a great rule on prescriptions and I just weedled down my relative to 4 once they got home from rehab. Check the side effects, check the dosages, look everything up and don't be afraid to question the reasons why things were prescribed.
posted by missh at 5:03 AM on February 16, 2018
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Memail me if you have an specific questions!
posted by Oktober at 11:29 AM on January 29, 2018 [1 favorite]