Why can’t I get over someone who cheated on me?
January 28, 2018 9:41 AM Subscribe
About 6 months ago, I split up with someone who was cheating on me. I still feel incredibly hurt, and I’m finding it very difficult to move on. How can I get over this?
We were seeing each other for just under 9 months. The whole relationship was incredibly drama filled, she didn’t really seem to know what she wanted and wouldn’t commit, the whole thing had to be kept on the down low, and whenever we got too close she would cause a massive argument. It felt like I could never do anything right at times.
Things started to get a bit better, and shortly before the split seemed to be going quite well. I’d kinda accepted that we were probably not going to be together for ever, but it was OK.
To cut a long story short, she met someone in a night club after an all day bender with friends, and kept it from me, although I found out very quickly after becoming suspicious and seeing a quick glimpse of texts on her phone when she thought I wasn’t looking. A few days after this, I confronted her, and she admitted she had been seeing someone. I got a spiel about as how we weren’t in a proper relationship she could do what she wanted, but that she still wanted to be involved with me. Completely in shock, and to keep the peace as it was late on a Sunday night and I had to get home, I went along with it.
The next weekend on a night out with some mutual friends. I convinced her to come back to mine. It had been fairly clear from her actions that evening that she hadn’t been expecting me on the night out, and had been planning to meet the other guy. Drunk and rowing, we slept together, and in the morning, we slept together again, before I burst into tears and told her I couldn’t do this, told her I loved her and that she knew what I wanted, that I couldn’t share her and that it had to just be us. She walked out my house without a backward glance, and from what I understand, she then went out that evening with the other guy and slept with him that night. They are not together. Three days later I lost my job through completely unrelated reasons, and the following 2 months were utter hell, struggling with unemployment and my emotions at the same time.
We have spoken several times since, at both her initiation and mine, but I’ve now moved away from her area to somewhere else and deleted her number. I’ve accepted we are not getting back together. We work in the same area of town, and we still share some mutual friends, but for all intents and purposes, she is as out of my life as much as possible. We haven’t spoken for a couple of months now, and I doubt that will change.
She’s cheated on men before (which I didn’t know before dating her), and she’s obviously a pretty self centred person, but she did seem to clearly love me and was infatuated with me, although she did seem to be holding back.
I feel that, if she’d just ended it with me, rather than going behind my back and doing what she did, I’d largely be over this by now. I keep myself busy, but as soon as I’m quiet, or lying in bed at night, the same feelings go round and round again in my mind, and I picture her with him, or with other men.
The crying has stopped, and I no longer feel particularly in love with her, or want her back, but I just seem to be constantly consumed with feelings of rage, anger and unfairness at what happened, as well as so many unanswered questions. I also feel irrational jealously at the fact that she slept with two people in one day… I don’t think I’ve even slept with two people in one year!
I feel that she got away with it entirely, whilst I have suffered immensely. I never took any sort of revenge, and barely told anyone who knows both of us what happened. I understand that a lot of people actually believe lies she told them and think that I am in the wrong. Although I took the moral high ground at the time, a large part of me now just wishes I’d hurt her as much as possible.
I feel that what I really want is to go back in time and for it to end differently (impossible), or just for a real apology and an explanation of why she did it, which I have already attempted to obtain from her without success. Most post break-up conversations have largely ended with her screaming at me. I feel if I had this, that at least I’d be able to move on, but I don’t think she even knows why she did it herself.
I’m sure if I could just meet someone else too, that that would help, but it seems to be so difficult to meet people as it is, and there’s certainly no-one in the frame currently.
It is the girl referred to in one of my previous questions in case anyone was wondering, and she initiated our relationship. What can I do? How do I get over this? I feel like my life is just still being consumed by this, and frankly it’s starting to feel ridiculous after this amount of time has passed. I don’t understand why I’m so angry still either, for once I did nothing wrong in a romantic involvement, and I have no regrets about my behaviour during the relationship.
Please don’t suggest therapy. I’ve tried this before after a more normal break-up and didn’t find it helpful, and currently I cannot afford it.
We were seeing each other for just under 9 months. The whole relationship was incredibly drama filled, she didn’t really seem to know what she wanted and wouldn’t commit, the whole thing had to be kept on the down low, and whenever we got too close she would cause a massive argument. It felt like I could never do anything right at times.
Things started to get a bit better, and shortly before the split seemed to be going quite well. I’d kinda accepted that we were probably not going to be together for ever, but it was OK.
To cut a long story short, she met someone in a night club after an all day bender with friends, and kept it from me, although I found out very quickly after becoming suspicious and seeing a quick glimpse of texts on her phone when she thought I wasn’t looking. A few days after this, I confronted her, and she admitted she had been seeing someone. I got a spiel about as how we weren’t in a proper relationship she could do what she wanted, but that she still wanted to be involved with me. Completely in shock, and to keep the peace as it was late on a Sunday night and I had to get home, I went along with it.
The next weekend on a night out with some mutual friends. I convinced her to come back to mine. It had been fairly clear from her actions that evening that she hadn’t been expecting me on the night out, and had been planning to meet the other guy. Drunk and rowing, we slept together, and in the morning, we slept together again, before I burst into tears and told her I couldn’t do this, told her I loved her and that she knew what I wanted, that I couldn’t share her and that it had to just be us. She walked out my house without a backward glance, and from what I understand, she then went out that evening with the other guy and slept with him that night. They are not together. Three days later I lost my job through completely unrelated reasons, and the following 2 months were utter hell, struggling with unemployment and my emotions at the same time.
We have spoken several times since, at both her initiation and mine, but I’ve now moved away from her area to somewhere else and deleted her number. I’ve accepted we are not getting back together. We work in the same area of town, and we still share some mutual friends, but for all intents and purposes, she is as out of my life as much as possible. We haven’t spoken for a couple of months now, and I doubt that will change.
She’s cheated on men before (which I didn’t know before dating her), and she’s obviously a pretty self centred person, but she did seem to clearly love me and was infatuated with me, although she did seem to be holding back.
I feel that, if she’d just ended it with me, rather than going behind my back and doing what she did, I’d largely be over this by now. I keep myself busy, but as soon as I’m quiet, or lying in bed at night, the same feelings go round and round again in my mind, and I picture her with him, or with other men.
The crying has stopped, and I no longer feel particularly in love with her, or want her back, but I just seem to be constantly consumed with feelings of rage, anger and unfairness at what happened, as well as so many unanswered questions. I also feel irrational jealously at the fact that she slept with two people in one day… I don’t think I’ve even slept with two people in one year!
I feel that she got away with it entirely, whilst I have suffered immensely. I never took any sort of revenge, and barely told anyone who knows both of us what happened. I understand that a lot of people actually believe lies she told them and think that I am in the wrong. Although I took the moral high ground at the time, a large part of me now just wishes I’d hurt her as much as possible.
I feel that what I really want is to go back in time and for it to end differently (impossible), or just for a real apology and an explanation of why she did it, which I have already attempted to obtain from her without success. Most post break-up conversations have largely ended with her screaming at me. I feel if I had this, that at least I’d be able to move on, but I don’t think she even knows why she did it herself.
I’m sure if I could just meet someone else too, that that would help, but it seems to be so difficult to meet people as it is, and there’s certainly no-one in the frame currently.
It is the girl referred to in one of my previous questions in case anyone was wondering, and she initiated our relationship. What can I do? How do I get over this? I feel like my life is just still being consumed by this, and frankly it’s starting to feel ridiculous after this amount of time has passed. I don’t understand why I’m so angry still either, for once I did nothing wrong in a romantic involvement, and I have no regrets about my behaviour during the relationship.
Please don’t suggest therapy. I’ve tried this before after a more normal break-up and didn’t find it helpful, and currently I cannot afford it.
When you can't get the closure you want from the person you want it from, a lot of people find it helpful to find a ritual to help end the time they spend thinking about the person. Writing letters to them and burning them; writing their feelings on rocks and tossing them over a cliff; going on a trip they never could have enjoyed with that person; making a significant change in their life (training for a marathon for example) that puts the old part of their life behind them; etc. What works best depends on you.
For me, having a very busy life helps distract me from the feelings. I also choose in advance something else I'll think about if I find thoughts of that person jumping into my head.
(It is not clear from your post whether it was clearly established that you two were supposed to be monogamous. If it had never been explicitly discussed, you may want to do that next time to ensure that you're on the same page.)
Good luck... I also have a very hard time getting over breakups when I felt I was wronged.
posted by metasarah at 10:14 AM on January 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
For me, having a very busy life helps distract me from the feelings. I also choose in advance something else I'll think about if I find thoughts of that person jumping into my head.
(It is not clear from your post whether it was clearly established that you two were supposed to be monogamous. If it had never been explicitly discussed, you may want to do that next time to ensure that you're on the same page.)
Good luck... I also have a very hard time getting over breakups when I felt I was wronged.
posted by metasarah at 10:14 AM on January 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
We were seeing each other for just under 9 months.
I mean everything I am going to say in all kindness - I've been where you are now. It's tough. But, look, you weren't married. You're dating. And that means that either partner can decide, unilaterally, to end it at any point for any reason. That's part of the reason people get married - so that commitment exists.
I know it's frustrating to be dumped in that way. It sucked every time a woman did that to me too. But, doing the whole "I think we should have a talk" breakup thing is hard to do, and requires a certain amount of maturity. It's way easier to just make the break by forcing the break through bad behavior.
But this: "I feel that what I really want is to go back in time and for it to end differently (impossible), or just for a real apology and an explanation of why she did it, which I have already attempted to obtain from her without success. Most post break-up conversations have largely ended with her screaming at me. "
Don't do this. You are not entitled to an explanation. She owes you nothing. Continuing to harangue her is stalkerish and dumb. I did it, too, when I was young - I'm not being any more judgemental of you than of young me. Don't do this. Cut contact, block on social media, and move on.
I know its hard, because people who you are romantically interested in are by definition getting under your skin, but you need to accept the things you cannot change or understand. Get a therapist or something.
Lastly, "doing everything right" doesn't entitle you to a relationship. You'll understand this better when you date a really sweet and nice young woman and have to explain that its just not working out and break her heart.
Sometimes, it just doesn't work for some intangible reason. The lesson on accepting things you cannot change will serve you well.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 10:19 AM on January 28, 2018 [15 favorites]
I mean everything I am going to say in all kindness - I've been where you are now. It's tough. But, look, you weren't married. You're dating. And that means that either partner can decide, unilaterally, to end it at any point for any reason. That's part of the reason people get married - so that commitment exists.
I know it's frustrating to be dumped in that way. It sucked every time a woman did that to me too. But, doing the whole "I think we should have a talk" breakup thing is hard to do, and requires a certain amount of maturity. It's way easier to just make the break by forcing the break through bad behavior.
But this: "I feel that what I really want is to go back in time and for it to end differently (impossible), or just for a real apology and an explanation of why she did it, which I have already attempted to obtain from her without success. Most post break-up conversations have largely ended with her screaming at me. "
Don't do this. You are not entitled to an explanation. She owes you nothing. Continuing to harangue her is stalkerish and dumb. I did it, too, when I was young - I'm not being any more judgemental of you than of young me. Don't do this. Cut contact, block on social media, and move on.
I know its hard, because people who you are romantically interested in are by definition getting under your skin, but you need to accept the things you cannot change or understand. Get a therapist or something.
Lastly, "doing everything right" doesn't entitle you to a relationship. You'll understand this better when you date a really sweet and nice young woman and have to explain that its just not working out and break her heart.
Sometimes, it just doesn't work for some intangible reason. The lesson on accepting things you cannot change will serve you well.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 10:19 AM on January 28, 2018 [15 favorites]
Recognize that she was creating drama, and in a way she still is (or at least the memories are), and that relationship drama can cause a neurochemical addiction. It's hard to get over, but if you are aware that your brain is doing this to you, and it has nothing to do with the meaningfulness of the relationship, things should get easier.
posted by Knowyournuts at 10:42 AM on January 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Knowyournuts at 10:42 AM on January 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'd say though that you're grieving for what the relationship might have been, not for what it actually was.
Get out there and meet new people, make new friends but above all be kind to yourself, you've had a rough time of it and need some healing time to put this behind you and move forward.
posted by humph at 10:48 AM on January 28, 2018
Get out there and meet new people, make new friends but above all be kind to yourself, you've had a rough time of it and need some healing time to put this behind you and move forward.
posted by humph at 10:48 AM on January 28, 2018
Best answer: I had an ex cheat on me. It was already an abusive relationship and he never showed any real remorse for his actions, which made it all the more confusing and painful to disentangle from. Therapy aside, the one thing that helped me get over it was to find a new - healthy - obsession. In my case, I became obsessed with cycling (YMMV, this is just my own personal life example). I found that the challenge of climbing a steep hill, by bicycle, made it impossible to let my mind wander to many other places. Repeating this action daily - intensive cycling, followed by the inevitable reward of a post-workout endorphin rush - slowly eroded the nagging thoughts I had of him, til none were left.
There is no quick fix solution. But find something new (I'll repeat again: new and also healthy) about which you are deeply passionate, deeply absorbed, and lose yourself in it daily. It's the repetition, over time, that enables you to move on.
posted by nightrecordings at 11:21 AM on January 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
There is no quick fix solution. But find something new (I'll repeat again: new and also healthy) about which you are deeply passionate, deeply absorbed, and lose yourself in it daily. It's the repetition, over time, that enables you to move on.
posted by nightrecordings at 11:21 AM on January 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
A lot of the language you're using here suggests that you were looking at the relationship as a contract or a transaction. You did the things you were supposed to do, and she didn't do the things she was supposed to do, so now scales need to be balanced. She needs to explain herself and apologize, or suffer like you have suffered, because otherwise she's gotten away with something.
She hasn't gotten away with anything.
No, seriously: she hasn't gotten away with anything. You didn't want to be in a relationship where the other party sleeps with other people. Congratulations! You're not! Whatever you might have given her in the future, well, she doesn't get that stuff now. That was the penalty, for her, of cheating: losing you.
Your actual problem is your wounded ego. She did actually wrong you. You cared about her, and she rejected you, and that hurts. You don't know a way to recover and heal from that that doesn't involve hurting her back; however, you (seem to) recognize that hurting her back is impossible or would be unproductive, hence the tension.
You've already ruled out therapy, so. If the problem is that your ego was damaged, then I suppose the obvious thing to do is to build it back up, by doing things that make you feel better about yourself. Get a haircut, buy some clothes, hit the gym, develop expertise in something, work hard on a project and accomplish something, spend time with other people who like you and will validate your feelings (or, if there are no people like this, cultivate some friendships), etc.
Even if you don't manage to do any of those, six months . . . doesn't really seem like all that long after a breakup? I mean, maybe I'm unusual this way, but I never had a breakup where I wasn't still upset about it six months later. Especially since you were also dealing with the unemployment around the same time and maybe didn't have time to process what had happened. So to the degree that you're feeling bad because OMG I'm still hung up on something that happened six months ago, stop it. It'll take however long it takes, and it's fine for it to take however long it takes.
posted by Spathe Cadet at 11:50 AM on January 28, 2018 [17 favorites]
She hasn't gotten away with anything.
No, seriously: she hasn't gotten away with anything. You didn't want to be in a relationship where the other party sleeps with other people. Congratulations! You're not! Whatever you might have given her in the future, well, she doesn't get that stuff now. That was the penalty, for her, of cheating: losing you.
Your actual problem is your wounded ego. She did actually wrong you. You cared about her, and she rejected you, and that hurts. You don't know a way to recover and heal from that that doesn't involve hurting her back; however, you (seem to) recognize that hurting her back is impossible or would be unproductive, hence the tension.
You've already ruled out therapy, so. If the problem is that your ego was damaged, then I suppose the obvious thing to do is to build it back up, by doing things that make you feel better about yourself. Get a haircut, buy some clothes, hit the gym, develop expertise in something, work hard on a project and accomplish something, spend time with other people who like you and will validate your feelings (or, if there are no people like this, cultivate some friendships), etc.
Even if you don't manage to do any of those, six months . . . doesn't really seem like all that long after a breakup? I mean, maybe I'm unusual this way, but I never had a breakup where I wasn't still upset about it six months later. Especially since you were also dealing with the unemployment around the same time and maybe didn't have time to process what had happened. So to the degree that you're feeling bad because OMG I'm still hung up on something that happened six months ago, stop it. It'll take however long it takes, and it's fine for it to take however long it takes.
posted by Spathe Cadet at 11:50 AM on January 28, 2018 [17 favorites]
Consider the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. With the caveat that sometimes grief is non-linear, you're still very early in this process. As Spathe Cadet says, it'll take however long it takes.
Look, in 2007, I broke up with a guy I'd been dating for about a year. Our relationship was pretty drama free, but it was still really tough, and there are still fleeting moments when I think of him. But those moments have gotten further apart and shorter over the last decade. Yours will too.
Specifically for getting over the anger/rage, maybe meditation? If you find yourself spiraling, just pause, take a deep breath, and meditate for five minutes. You might also look into cognitive behavioral therapy some of which is available online for free
posted by basalganglia at 1:21 PM on January 28, 2018
Look, in 2007, I broke up with a guy I'd been dating for about a year. Our relationship was pretty drama free, but it was still really tough, and there are still fleeting moments when I think of him. But those moments have gotten further apart and shorter over the last decade. Yours will too.
Specifically for getting over the anger/rage, maybe meditation? If you find yourself spiraling, just pause, take a deep breath, and meditate for five minutes. You might also look into cognitive behavioral therapy some of which is available online for free
posted by basalganglia at 1:21 PM on January 28, 2018
Everyone has sound advice but I want to reframe this: "Things started to get a bit better, and shortly before the split seemed to be going quite well."
You mean like a calm in a storm, right before a lightning strike? She was nice because she had what she wanted: an EXIT. Not because she liked you more, or was thinking of committing, or had started to change her outlook. Because on some semi-conscious level, she had already decided to leave. That's why she was chill. There's great relief in putting carnage into motion. It whittles down the terror of deliberate choice.
It's a testament to your sense of goodness and hope that you took this change as a sign of good things to come! Admirable, if not wise. Work on fine-turning your red flag detectors. Meanwhile, you deserve to be treated with forthright love, kindness and respect. Is that how she treated you? Is that how you're treating yourself right now?
You're not going to get the answers you want, and vengeance won't salve you. So how can you honor your pain and make meaning for yourself?
posted by fritillary at 1:24 PM on January 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
You mean like a calm in a storm, right before a lightning strike? She was nice because she had what she wanted: an EXIT. Not because she liked you more, or was thinking of committing, or had started to change her outlook. Because on some semi-conscious level, she had already decided to leave. That's why she was chill. There's great relief in putting carnage into motion. It whittles down the terror of deliberate choice.
It's a testament to your sense of goodness and hope that you took this change as a sign of good things to come! Admirable, if not wise. Work on fine-turning your red flag detectors. Meanwhile, you deserve to be treated with forthright love, kindness and respect. Is that how she treated you? Is that how you're treating yourself right now?
You're not going to get the answers you want, and vengeance won't salve you. So how can you honor your pain and make meaning for yourself?
posted by fritillary at 1:24 PM on January 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I had a breakup where I felt like I couldn't stop thinking about her, and kept wanting to go back and relive the breakup so it would end differently. My specific method for dealing with the racing thoughts about the breakup was to notice when the thoughts start (in my case, any time I started to think about her at all) and then immediately think about anything else. What that anything else is doesn't matter, though it's best if its a big distracting subject. Basically, you can decide what you think about, generally, and eventually not thinking about her becomes a habit.
I recognize that this may seem like hiding from the problem, but in this situation you *can't* deal with the problem directly, the angry thoughts aren't helping you, and this is exactly a case where if you do nothing and don't think about it, the problem will solve itself in time.
posted by surlyben at 1:50 PM on January 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
I recognize that this may seem like hiding from the problem, but in this situation you *can't* deal with the problem directly, the angry thoughts aren't helping you, and this is exactly a case where if you do nothing and don't think about it, the problem will solve itself in time.
posted by surlyben at 1:50 PM on January 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
I don’t think I’ve even slept with two people in one year!
Well, you can certainly remedy this with some online dating- just be open and friendly, initiate contact with lots of people, try not to feel stung by small rejections, and be honest & respectful with potential partners.
It sounds simplistic but I think you're kind of hung up on this person as part of a scarcity mentality- it seems like you felt that she's the only one out there, so the dissolution of the relationship feels like you lost your last chance.
The thing is, this thinking is incorrect. You sound thoughtful and emotionally fairly mature, and you write well- there are actually lots of people out there who'd be up for meeting you. And if you're a man looking for women, especially if your age range is over 30, then in general I'd say the deck is actually very much stacked in your favour in most cities. There are LOTS of cool people out there.
So go have some respectful fun, to teach yourself that there are lots of chances- she wasn't the only fish in the sea. And get some fun limerence-related brain-chemicals (just with a healthier object of attachment than this person) to cheer you up while you're at it. Good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:54 PM on January 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
Well, you can certainly remedy this with some online dating- just be open and friendly, initiate contact with lots of people, try not to feel stung by small rejections, and be honest & respectful with potential partners.
It sounds simplistic but I think you're kind of hung up on this person as part of a scarcity mentality- it seems like you felt that she's the only one out there, so the dissolution of the relationship feels like you lost your last chance.
The thing is, this thinking is incorrect. You sound thoughtful and emotionally fairly mature, and you write well- there are actually lots of people out there who'd be up for meeting you. And if you're a man looking for women, especially if your age range is over 30, then in general I'd say the deck is actually very much stacked in your favour in most cities. There are LOTS of cool people out there.
So go have some respectful fun, to teach yourself that there are lots of chances- she wasn't the only fish in the sea. And get some fun limerence-related brain-chemicals (just with a healthier object of attachment than this person) to cheer you up while you're at it. Good luck!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:54 PM on January 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
A couple of things.
First, I don't know why it is, but this is something I've seen over and over and over: men who become obsessed with the women who cheat on them.
It doesn't happen the other way around, generally. Typically women's opinion of a man who cheats tends to go down: women value and respect a cheating man *less*. But for men, for some reason, women who cheat become *more* valuable. Like, a woman you might have broken up with anyway -- if she cheats on you, all of a sudden she's all you can think about.
It's a common pathology, but it's a pitfall you should avoid if you can, because I've seen it torpedo relationships for YEARS after a guy wanders down this mental path. You weren't good together. It was a lot of ugly drama and not a lot of love. Forget about her.
Second. Why she did it: she did it because cheating is fun and exciting, much more fun than the drag of breaking up with someone. Particularly if the breakup is going to involve lots of haranguing and attempts to convince, which it sounds like she knew this one would. It isn't a big mystery.
It is really painful, I know, but please try not to let yourself become One Of Those Guys who can't get over a woman who cheated on him once upon a time. You want revenge? Living well -- free of that stuff -- is the best revenge.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:46 PM on January 28, 2018 [8 favorites]
First, I don't know why it is, but this is something I've seen over and over and over: men who become obsessed with the women who cheat on them.
It doesn't happen the other way around, generally. Typically women's opinion of a man who cheats tends to go down: women value and respect a cheating man *less*. But for men, for some reason, women who cheat become *more* valuable. Like, a woman you might have broken up with anyway -- if she cheats on you, all of a sudden she's all you can think about.
It's a common pathology, but it's a pitfall you should avoid if you can, because I've seen it torpedo relationships for YEARS after a guy wanders down this mental path. You weren't good together. It was a lot of ugly drama and not a lot of love. Forget about her.
Second. Why she did it: she did it because cheating is fun and exciting, much more fun than the drag of breaking up with someone. Particularly if the breakup is going to involve lots of haranguing and attempts to convince, which it sounds like she knew this one would. It isn't a big mystery.
It is really painful, I know, but please try not to let yourself become One Of Those Guys who can't get over a woman who cheated on him once upon a time. You want revenge? Living well -- free of that stuff -- is the best revenge.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:46 PM on January 28, 2018 [8 favorites]
It sounds like she was pretty clear you were not exclusive so I think you should reframe this. She did not cheat on you.
I also gather that she drinks (as do you) and she has sex without monogamy.
The labels you put on things are really hurting you. In fact, she was pretty clear that she did not want to be exclusive and you stuck around anyway.
You'll feel better when you stop blaming her. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not her.
posted by jbenben at 4:21 PM on January 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
I also gather that she drinks (as do you) and she has sex without monogamy.
The labels you put on things are really hurting you. In fact, she was pretty clear that she did not want to be exclusive and you stuck around anyway.
You'll feel better when you stop blaming her. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not her.
posted by jbenben at 4:21 PM on January 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
I sometimes recommend books by author Steven Stosny in response to relationship questions on MeFi, and I think his writing would be helpful to you too.
One of the most useful concepts I got from his writing is that feeling sad or disappointed are really fundamentally different from feeling hurt or angry. In the latter case, there is some aspect of the situation that you think reflects on you, your fundamental worth or value.
So, maybe as a starting point, that's the tender stuff to start excavating.
Stosny's approach is really good for figuring out what's going on at the root of those feelings, and for taking care of the emotional wounds that get you stuck in those places. His book Living and Loving After Betrayal would probably be good for you.
Good luck.
posted by Sublimity at 4:30 PM on January 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
One of the most useful concepts I got from his writing is that feeling sad or disappointed are really fundamentally different from feeling hurt or angry. In the latter case, there is some aspect of the situation that you think reflects on you, your fundamental worth or value.
So, maybe as a starting point, that's the tender stuff to start excavating.
Stosny's approach is really good for figuring out what's going on at the root of those feelings, and for taking care of the emotional wounds that get you stuck in those places. His book Living and Loving After Betrayal would probably be good for you.
Good luck.
posted by Sublimity at 4:30 PM on January 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm not saying this to sound callous, she didn't cheat on you when she slept with someone else, she stated clearly all along these were the parameters you'd have to accept if you wanted to be with her. Was she a little heartless and could she have handled it better? Absolutely. The thing is, she told you she was going to see other people and it wasn't monogamous - you just didn't want to listen and thought you could convince her otherwise, which is probably why she chose to burn the whole thing to the ground - it was the only way she could see to get you to understand.
Whenever you got too close and it started to feel too much like a relationship, she'd push back and cause arguments - she didn't want that. It sounds like you were FWB, just that you wanted more and she didn't.
Now the smart thing for you and the kind thing for her to do would have been to acknowledge early on that you both wanted different things and it was only going to end in tears, but that's ok! Neither of you were wrong to want what you wanted, you were just not suited to each other. Now you know for the next time, and all you have to do is look for someone who wants the same thing you do. Wish her the best and don't look back. Your person is out there.
posted by Jubey at 4:38 PM on January 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
Whenever you got too close and it started to feel too much like a relationship, she'd push back and cause arguments - she didn't want that. It sounds like you were FWB, just that you wanted more and she didn't.
Now the smart thing for you and the kind thing for her to do would have been to acknowledge early on that you both wanted different things and it was only going to end in tears, but that's ok! Neither of you were wrong to want what you wanted, you were just not suited to each other. Now you know for the next time, and all you have to do is look for someone who wants the same thing you do. Wish her the best and don't look back. Your person is out there.
posted by Jubey at 4:38 PM on January 28, 2018 [4 favorites]
I want to echo fingersandtoes's comment. A couple of things stood out to me from your question.
she then went out that evening with the other guy and slept with him that night
She’s cheated on men before (which I didn’t know before dating her)
I understand that a lot of people actually believe lies she told them and think that I am in the wrong
I want to know how you know these things. Did she tell them to you? Did a mutual friend tell you? Have you been asking around or are people volunteering this info? Because these details, they seem to me a little too much information for someone who is trying to emotionally divest in another person.
If friends are telling you this, you need to ask them to stop. If you are seeking this information out for yourself, well, you're never gonna heal if you keep keeping tabs on her private life.
You say you deleted her number and moved away from her area. But if you are going to cut off contact with someone it needs to be NO CONTACT, not even virtual contact (no Faxcebook stalking ) or third party contact.
It is clear that you are hurting, because you want closure. But trust me when I say you will NEVER get closure from her. You never will. It will never ever ever be resolved in the way you want or expevct it to. So in order to find closure you need to find it in yourself.
posted by Brittanie at 4:49 PM on January 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
she then went out that evening with the other guy and slept with him that night
She’s cheated on men before (which I didn’t know before dating her)
I understand that a lot of people actually believe lies she told them and think that I am in the wrong
I want to know how you know these things. Did she tell them to you? Did a mutual friend tell you? Have you been asking around or are people volunteering this info? Because these details, they seem to me a little too much information for someone who is trying to emotionally divest in another person.
If friends are telling you this, you need to ask them to stop. If you are seeking this information out for yourself, well, you're never gonna heal if you keep keeping tabs on her private life.
You say you deleted her number and moved away from her area. But if you are going to cut off contact with someone it needs to be NO CONTACT, not even virtual contact (no Faxcebook stalking ) or third party contact.
It is clear that you are hurting, because you want closure. But trust me when I say you will NEVER get closure from her. You never will. It will never ever ever be resolved in the way you want or expevct it to. So in order to find closure you need to find it in yourself.
posted by Brittanie at 4:49 PM on January 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
First, just wanted to validate your feelings - your anger and rage are totally justified and healthy and normal parts of being a human being. Exercise 3x a week to get fit while being angry.
Second, she won't get away with it - I know so many cheaters, they are not that happy as people and they are punished on some level. I personally find cheaters gross and sleazy, and I wouldn't waste time thinking about them if I were you when there are so many awesome people out there. I think I believe in justice and things evening out over time, whether we can see it or not. However you're not in charge of inflicting punishment - just let God take care of that for you. You are, however, in charge of serving justice in the sense that you are in charge of giving yourself a better future and recompensing yourself for your losses.
Therefore, third, give yourself a lot of patience and gentleness, but crawl towards the light!! Do whatever makes you happy, follow your interests, fight for your own happiness and self-actualization, throw yourself into your career! It's not your fault your ex carelessly pushed you into this emotional hole, but unfortunately, it is your problem, and only you can crawl/climb out of it. So do what it takes - climb your way out. Think of where you would like to be in 24 months' time, make a plan, budget for setbacks, and climb towards that! Good luck.
posted by Crookshanks_Meow at 7:07 PM on January 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
Second, she won't get away with it - I know so many cheaters, they are not that happy as people and they are punished on some level. I personally find cheaters gross and sleazy, and I wouldn't waste time thinking about them if I were you when there are so many awesome people out there. I think I believe in justice and things evening out over time, whether we can see it or not. However you're not in charge of inflicting punishment - just let God take care of that for you. You are, however, in charge of serving justice in the sense that you are in charge of giving yourself a better future and recompensing yourself for your losses.
Therefore, third, give yourself a lot of patience and gentleness, but crawl towards the light!! Do whatever makes you happy, follow your interests, fight for your own happiness and self-actualization, throw yourself into your career! It's not your fault your ex carelessly pushed you into this emotional hole, but unfortunately, it is your problem, and only you can crawl/climb out of it. So do what it takes - climb your way out. Think of where you would like to be in 24 months' time, make a plan, budget for setbacks, and climb towards that! Good luck.
posted by Crookshanks_Meow at 7:07 PM on January 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
Man, I have been here and it sucks. There is something unique about losing a partner to a new partner that is particularly obsession-producing to those of us who have traditional “going-steady” monogamous expectations of relationships. I’m hearing you say that this is much different than if you mutually ended the relationship because it wasn’t working out or even if she straight up dumped you without another person being involved. I wonder if that’s because unconsciously (or consciously), the breakup feels to you that it wasn’t about the relationship, but on some level it’s about how you stacked up against this unknown person she chose over you (or at least chose to ignore your feelings in order to hook up with him). Now you’re stuck in a loop because you don’t even have all the information (ie what’s so great about this drunken new guy that she would ruin my life?) to process what happened.
The bad news is, you’ll never get the information you require to make logical and emotional sense out of this.
Yes, responsible, mature people would have had the conversation before a drunken hook-up. “We think differently about this relationship and we have different behaviors around relationships generally and it seems like neither one of us is going to change and if we don’t end things now someone’s going to get hurt.” For all we know, maybe you or your partner tried to have this conversation before the final betrayal.
The horrible and wonderful thing about relationships is that there’s a huge range of behaviors and feelings that each individual thinks is normal, and worse, most of us are figuring out what’s important to us as we go around getting intimately involved with each other. If there’s anything you can do to break this cycle and move on, it probably lies in really internalizing this knowledge and realizing you didn’t score lower on some objective scale than the drunken hook up dude did. You and your ex simply had different standards for acceptable behavior and you misread hers.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:11 PM on January 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
The bad news is, you’ll never get the information you require to make logical and emotional sense out of this.
Yes, responsible, mature people would have had the conversation before a drunken hook-up. “We think differently about this relationship and we have different behaviors around relationships generally and it seems like neither one of us is going to change and if we don’t end things now someone’s going to get hurt.” For all we know, maybe you or your partner tried to have this conversation before the final betrayal.
The horrible and wonderful thing about relationships is that there’s a huge range of behaviors and feelings that each individual thinks is normal, and worse, most of us are figuring out what’s important to us as we go around getting intimately involved with each other. If there’s anything you can do to break this cycle and move on, it probably lies in really internalizing this knowledge and realizing you didn’t score lower on some objective scale than the drunken hook up dude did. You and your ex simply had different standards for acceptable behavior and you misread hers.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:11 PM on January 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
but she did seem to clearly love me and was infatuated with me, although she did seem to be holding back.
“seem” to love me screams misread intentions or you projecting what your interpretation of love means. Not that there’s anything wrong with your definition of these terms, just that they are not the same as her definition.
I feel that she got away with it entirely
The idea that she “got away” with something implies that there is a set of universally applicable rules. There’s not. She violated your rules, rules that seem reasonable and fair to you, for very good reasons, but unfortunately she is not bound by them. She may not share them willfully, she may not know herself well enough to know what her values are, but you can’t change this about her, nor could you ever really. Hang on to your values, they are part of who you are, and cherish it when you meet someone who shares them. But you are not entitled to revenge when someone doesn’t share them, and getting involved with someone who doesn’t share them opens you up to getting very very hurt.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:37 PM on January 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
“seem” to love me screams misread intentions or you projecting what your interpretation of love means. Not that there’s anything wrong with your definition of these terms, just that they are not the same as her definition.
I feel that she got away with it entirely
The idea that she “got away” with something implies that there is a set of universally applicable rules. There’s not. She violated your rules, rules that seem reasonable and fair to you, for very good reasons, but unfortunately she is not bound by them. She may not share them willfully, she may not know herself well enough to know what her values are, but you can’t change this about her, nor could you ever really. Hang on to your values, they are part of who you are, and cherish it when you meet someone who shares them. But you are not entitled to revenge when someone doesn’t share them, and getting involved with someone who doesn’t share them opens you up to getting very very hurt.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:37 PM on January 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
I’m sorry this is still affecting your life, I can feel the gut-wrenching hurt and feeling of injustice through your post. I find a breakup with some component of betrayal stays with me longer than other, regular breakups. Trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and right with The Other Person can lead to an almost forensic obsession.
And it is also perversely comforting to establish ourselves in the victim role in a breakup. Others give us sympathy. We were wronged. We were good. They were bad. We can retell our side of the story until the retelling becomes more real than the real thing. But staying in that narrative keeps the hurt alive by bringing it into the present moment. Every time you check her social media or dissect gossip from a mutual friend, you fuel the flames.
What you need to do instead is let go of the idea that she owes you anything, that there’s any words she could say to make this hurt less. Because even if she gave you the perfectly worded apology, she still hurt you. She still chose someone else. She is still gone. And once you strip away the anger and the unfairness, I reckon that’s the pain you have to let yourself start feeling.
posted by wreckofthehesperus at 5:07 AM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
And it is also perversely comforting to establish ourselves in the victim role in a breakup. Others give us sympathy. We were wronged. We were good. They were bad. We can retell our side of the story until the retelling becomes more real than the real thing. But staying in that narrative keeps the hurt alive by bringing it into the present moment. Every time you check her social media or dissect gossip from a mutual friend, you fuel the flames.
What you need to do instead is let go of the idea that she owes you anything, that there’s any words she could say to make this hurt less. Because even if she gave you the perfectly worded apology, she still hurt you. She still chose someone else. She is still gone. And once you strip away the anger and the unfairness, I reckon that’s the pain you have to let yourself start feeling.
posted by wreckofthehesperus at 5:07 AM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: She treated you badly. I'm pretty sure from what you've written that she probably knew how you felt about her and would therefore also have known that her actions would hurt you.
She's not someone you can trust. It sounds like you've handled it quite well considering your feelings for her. I think you should stick to no contact as this in itself will tell her everything she needs to know about how you feel and more importantly it will ultimately help you move on in your life.
Try to visualise yourself as the hero in an an old western movie.
Tip your hat back, give a laconic smile and ride off into the sunset without a backward glance.
posted by blokefromipanema at 9:48 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
She's not someone you can trust. It sounds like you've handled it quite well considering your feelings for her. I think you should stick to no contact as this in itself will tell her everything she needs to know about how you feel and more importantly it will ultimately help you move on in your life.
Try to visualise yourself as the hero in an an old western movie.
Tip your hat back, give a laconic smile and ride off into the sunset without a backward glance.
posted by blokefromipanema at 9:48 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
An interviewer once asked Leonard Cohen: "How long does it take to recover from a bad relationship?"
Leonard said: "You never recover from a bad relationship."
And, well, he was right. You never recover. All you can do is accept it as something that has happened to you and now forms part of who you are. And that process is all about you, and has nothing to do with the ex. Stay 'no contact'. Don't stalk. Don't investigate. Bob Dylan said "I've never gotten used to it, I just learned to turn it off." And that's your task now -- learn to turn it off.
It will come, I promise you. Once you get the idea that this is all about you now, and your ex is not a part of that process in any way whatsoever, you're halfway there.
Good luck.
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:35 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Leonard said: "You never recover from a bad relationship."
And, well, he was right. You never recover. All you can do is accept it as something that has happened to you and now forms part of who you are. And that process is all about you, and has nothing to do with the ex. Stay 'no contact'. Don't stalk. Don't investigate. Bob Dylan said "I've never gotten used to it, I just learned to turn it off." And that's your task now -- learn to turn it off.
It will come, I promise you. Once you get the idea that this is all about you now, and your ex is not a part of that process in any way whatsoever, you're halfway there.
Good luck.
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:35 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank your for your answers, there have been quite a few points raised, which I have addressed below, I have also put best answers for those which address the central question.
I should really have just stuck to the question of how do I get over someone who cheated on me, but I realise some people would look through my history and realise I was referring to the girl previously mentioned, so I felt I had to provide some context.
To clarify, our relationship started off very much as me and her, commitment issues had more to do with taking it slowly, not getting too serious too quickly/keeping distance etc. Not anything to do with seeing other people. After a few months she even moved into my area to be closer to me.
Over time, the goalposts seemed to shift, and although things had been going well for the last 2 or 3 months, a couple of weeks before all this occurred, she said a few rather disturbing things to me that made me realise a very serious, possibly end all conversation was due. Unfortunately I never had the chance to have that conversation until it was too late.
We came together under a set of dubious and complicated circumstances, which there is not space to go into here. We were also friends prior, although not close. All of this made me dismiss, what in hindsight, were some pretty clear red flags. In general there was a lot of manipulation, lies, and drama throughout, and even now thinking about it all still makes my head spin, and I felt stressed and unsure of myself for the duration of the relationship.
Many people have mentioned that she does not owe me anything/that we were not in a contract and she is free to do as she pleases. She doesn’t owe me an explanation I agree, and people are free to do what they want, but I think if you have been having unprotected sex with someone for 9 months, have professed deep feelings towards them and them to you, and are still involved with them, you do have a certain duty of care towards them. I don’t think people should just treat others however they like until they are married.
In response to Pogo_Fuzzybutt, years ago I did have to tell a sweet young woman I loved very much that it wasn’t working. It was awful for both of us. In response to fingersandtoes, I was very much in love. My feelings did not suddenly increase when she did what she did.
People have also mentioned being stalkerish and no contact. To clarify, a few ill judged texts from both me and her aside, we have only spoken three times since she left my house. I am well aware that asking mutual friends for information and scanning Facebook is just as bad as calling or texting someone. I have been genuinely no contact for 2 months now.
Someone else also asked how I knew certain things. With the exception of the lies told about me to mutual friends, which I have learnt from them, everything about past infidelities and what she did with the new guy etc. have come from her, directly, in conversations during the relationship and post break-up. She may or may not have slept with him prior to that weekend. I am not sure.
Finally, someone here has mentioned the drinking. We are in the UK and a large part of our culture revolves around booze in a way that is considered normal here, but would not be in the US.
posted by inner_frustration at 12:34 AM on January 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
I should really have just stuck to the question of how do I get over someone who cheated on me, but I realise some people would look through my history and realise I was referring to the girl previously mentioned, so I felt I had to provide some context.
To clarify, our relationship started off very much as me and her, commitment issues had more to do with taking it slowly, not getting too serious too quickly/keeping distance etc. Not anything to do with seeing other people. After a few months she even moved into my area to be closer to me.
Over time, the goalposts seemed to shift, and although things had been going well for the last 2 or 3 months, a couple of weeks before all this occurred, she said a few rather disturbing things to me that made me realise a very serious, possibly end all conversation was due. Unfortunately I never had the chance to have that conversation until it was too late.
We came together under a set of dubious and complicated circumstances, which there is not space to go into here. We were also friends prior, although not close. All of this made me dismiss, what in hindsight, were some pretty clear red flags. In general there was a lot of manipulation, lies, and drama throughout, and even now thinking about it all still makes my head spin, and I felt stressed and unsure of myself for the duration of the relationship.
Many people have mentioned that she does not owe me anything/that we were not in a contract and she is free to do as she pleases. She doesn’t owe me an explanation I agree, and people are free to do what they want, but I think if you have been having unprotected sex with someone for 9 months, have professed deep feelings towards them and them to you, and are still involved with them, you do have a certain duty of care towards them. I don’t think people should just treat others however they like until they are married.
In response to Pogo_Fuzzybutt, years ago I did have to tell a sweet young woman I loved very much that it wasn’t working. It was awful for both of us. In response to fingersandtoes, I was very much in love. My feelings did not suddenly increase when she did what she did.
People have also mentioned being stalkerish and no contact. To clarify, a few ill judged texts from both me and her aside, we have only spoken three times since she left my house. I am well aware that asking mutual friends for information and scanning Facebook is just as bad as calling or texting someone. I have been genuinely no contact for 2 months now.
Someone else also asked how I knew certain things. With the exception of the lies told about me to mutual friends, which I have learnt from them, everything about past infidelities and what she did with the new guy etc. have come from her, directly, in conversations during the relationship and post break-up. She may or may not have slept with him prior to that weekend. I am not sure.
Finally, someone here has mentioned the drinking. We are in the UK and a large part of our culture revolves around booze in a way that is considered normal here, but would not be in the US.
posted by inner_frustration at 12:34 AM on January 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I've been there too, including the anger, and the feeling that the other person "got away with it" and happily skipped off into the sunset without suffering any of the hurt that was still killing me every day. He had me and all our friends so completely fooled, and I struggled with intense urges to expose him as a liar and cheater to everyone we knew. I knew it would be best just to put it behind me and move on, but I wanted him to pay. So badly.
I tried everything I could think of.
I tried focusing on our fundamental incompatibilities. We were mismatched. We wanted different things out of life. I was better off being rid of him sooner, rather than having wasted precious more time trying to force it to work with him. I tried focusing on his flaws. I was out of his league. There's no way he could've made me happy in the long run. Only women with serious issues and drama of their own should settle for someone like him. Or he'd have them fooled for a while, but the facade would inevitably fall apart. Someone as heartless and selfish as him could never be truly fulfilled.
When I found that only made me angrier and more fixated on seeing his downfall, I tried putting myself in his shoes, rewriting the old narrative in my head that had him cast as the villain and me as the victim. I told myself that maybe his infatuation with me had been sincere for some time, but those feelings changed and I can't fault him for that. I almost convinced myself that maybe he wasn't trying to string me along, he was probably confused and scared of hurting me. At worst he was a coward, more worthy of pity than anything else. That didn't work either. Instead I just kept flipping between hating him and missing that sweet version of him who I'd fallen in love with.
I tried dating other people. I met my SO and fell in love. I never thought I had it in me to love someone so fiercely and yet still be so emotional about the ex. I didn't want my ex back, my SO is a far better partner and makes me so happy, but the ex was still in the back of my mind all the time. That was unfair to my SO, and I wanted him out of my head, so I kept on searching for a cure.
Traditional therapy didn't do much for me. I finally decided to try EMDR. I mentioned it in a previous AskMe answer, and it took several sessions, but I can honestly say that it has been successful for me, after a year of trying everything else. I can finally think of him and see reminders of him pop up in my social media, and not go spiraling into deep feelings of rage and sadness. Now it's just... something that happened. Something that I can look back on objectively and learn from.
Best of luck, I hope you find a way to be free of her.
posted by keep it under cover at 11:20 PM on February 5, 2018 [2 favorites]
I tried everything I could think of.
I tried focusing on our fundamental incompatibilities. We were mismatched. We wanted different things out of life. I was better off being rid of him sooner, rather than having wasted precious more time trying to force it to work with him. I tried focusing on his flaws. I was out of his league. There's no way he could've made me happy in the long run. Only women with serious issues and drama of their own should settle for someone like him. Or he'd have them fooled for a while, but the facade would inevitably fall apart. Someone as heartless and selfish as him could never be truly fulfilled.
When I found that only made me angrier and more fixated on seeing his downfall, I tried putting myself in his shoes, rewriting the old narrative in my head that had him cast as the villain and me as the victim. I told myself that maybe his infatuation with me had been sincere for some time, but those feelings changed and I can't fault him for that. I almost convinced myself that maybe he wasn't trying to string me along, he was probably confused and scared of hurting me. At worst he was a coward, more worthy of pity than anything else. That didn't work either. Instead I just kept flipping between hating him and missing that sweet version of him who I'd fallen in love with.
I tried dating other people. I met my SO and fell in love. I never thought I had it in me to love someone so fiercely and yet still be so emotional about the ex. I didn't want my ex back, my SO is a far better partner and makes me so happy, but the ex was still in the back of my mind all the time. That was unfair to my SO, and I wanted him out of my head, so I kept on searching for a cure.
Traditional therapy didn't do much for me. I finally decided to try EMDR. I mentioned it in a previous AskMe answer, and it took several sessions, but I can honestly say that it has been successful for me, after a year of trying everything else. I can finally think of him and see reminders of him pop up in my social media, and not go spiraling into deep feelings of rage and sadness. Now it's just... something that happened. Something that I can look back on objectively and learn from.
Best of luck, I hope you find a way to be free of her.
posted by keep it under cover at 11:20 PM on February 5, 2018 [2 favorites]
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What you need to do here is cut contact with her - block her number, block her on all social media, block her email, ask any mutuals not to talk to you about her. She is not going to give you what you want in terms of an apology or any kind of explanation. The idea that things end with some kind of closure is movie nonsense - it often doesn't happen in real life. Cut all contact with her, spend time with friends, and get some therapy - you need some tools to process this better, and talking to a professional will give you a structured way to handle your feelings and maybe get some insight on this.
Finally, I know that for me fixating on the ways that my love life has gone horribly wrong is a feature of my depression kicking up, and there may be something like this going on for you, so try therapy but also be open to the possibility of medication - it doesn't have to be long-term, but it could help you get your feet under you.
posted by bile and syntax at 9:56 AM on January 28, 2018 [3 favorites]