How to stop being scared by moving too fast in a new relationship?

January 22, 2018 1:54 PM

I met a guy through online dating app; being dating 2 weeks since first met; everything goes incredibly great, yet after I get to know the stories of his ex, now I wanna take things slow , but don't know what is alerting me inside...<

Background
Age: Both in the early 20s;
Status: I've been in North America for 3 years, work in tech, recently landed a new job in downtown, start Feb; He's been here 1 year a bit more, currently work and study in law, at the same time located Uptown.
Relationship experiences: I am been through a 2- years extremely abusive relationship( didn't tell to the new guy yet), had a clear broke up(cut off) in 2017 April; He "fades away" with his 3 - years long ex after he came to North America around 2017 March due to the fact he found out she cheated on him twice;

Timeline of us:
1st date: We met on an app, chat for 2 mins then decided to grab dinner together after done so we finished our date by sat in the car purely (no sexual intentions whatsoever) chatted for 5hrs none stop;
2nd date: 2 days later we met for a movie, again after that we sat in the car purely(no sexual intentions whatsoever) chatted for 7 hrs none stop again.
3rd date: I brought him a gift, a week later we met for the game room, again sat in the car till morning, but this time he starts speaking about his feelings towards me and we start holding hands.
4th date: Next day we decide to watch the movie at his place (end up not only watch movies...)
5th date: a week later we met for dinner, he brought a gift this time. (I bought him something as well but my friends took it away from me and said I am being too serious...) After he got mind-blowed away by my country food, we went back to his place spent a weekend together.

Red flags:
During the 5th date I am staying with him for the weekend at his place, we (mostly him) start talking about our past while we drinking, he mentioned to me he was planning to bring with his ex after he came here, even though he found out she' cheated (meeting other guys while lying to him she's with family) on him before he even came here. But clearly she's never really intended to join him here, so he slowly stops talking to her.
So at the 2nd date he mentioned to me he broke up with her ex around 1 year and more ago.
However, this time when I asked him again when is this "fade away" happens, he was staying in a pause for 1 mins, confirmed with me after I asked:"Is it around 2017 March? "

After the conversation he went into the zone mode, constantly quite and staring at the ceiling (we were lying on the floor), I realize that he's kind of upset and I felt so guilty !!!! So I start clumsily explain I don't care about his past I just want a clear his timeline to make sure he's really into me as a recovered person not as a rebound.

I thought the alcohol will ease the process but throughout the night he's very upset, stroke my hair quietly without a word. Finally when we went to bed he got up in the dark and told me he really loves me (yes we went to this level already.), and he never ever thought he will meet a person like me in his life, but whatever happends to him about his ex, he can not controll it, it's not his fault that his ex cheated on him( his voice cracked a little when he said this part...) and he's so sad that I thought I thought I am just a rebound to him.

Confusion:
I felt so bad really, I love (probably too strong ) him genuinely, I want him to be good no matter whether am I will be involved in his future life. Matter of fact, I really don't think I ever liked a person so much in my whole life, compare the feeling I had towards him those I had with all of my exes are nothing.
And I am the kind of person I cut off clear with the ppl who hurt me in my life, you can see no sign of any of my exes in my life if I don't tell you. I totally move on without any memory lingering around.

However, the next day, while I was checking on IG, I found out the last time he liked his ex picture, is a picture posted on 2017 June 16th. This made me upset for the reason I don't know.

Right now I felt confused, by the intensity of the chemistry between us, by the level of investment I put in him; by the idea and expectations, I had in him, in the potential relationship which I really thought could last long.

I don't know somehow I wanna run away from him now, because I don't know how to confront with him about his story of his ex again, I don't want to make him upset again !!.
But I want to know more because I have this suspicious feeling of doubts but I just can't source what am I doubting!!

I don't even know am I doubting myself or him anymore !! And I don't know what is alerting me inside of my guts that makes me feel I stuck in such weird dilemma...

Can somebody provide a perspective from your POV what am I being through right now ....?

posted by dadaxiang1204 to Human Relations (22 answers total)

Best answer: Take a breath. Or like 10 deep ones.

Don't needle him about his ex. Expecting him to detail his last breakup down to the exact month is a little bit much. He had a life before you -- that is ok!

It's possible to break up and still remain social media friends with an ex, and even like their posts without it having a deeper meaning. Plus, June was quite some time ago. Digging for that information is not going to make you or him feel good, so just let it be. I don't see anything approaching a red flag here.

Try to detach from your expectations for this too. It's been 5 dates. Maybe this is the one, and you guys will grow old together. Or, maybe this is going to go up in flames next week. Either way, take it easy and be who you are, let him be who he is, and relax and enjoy yourself. Enjoy the present, let go of worrying about the future and the past. If you are not enjoying yourself, break up with him. I promise both of you will be ok in this scenario too.
posted by Fig at 2:08 PM on January 22, 2018 [8 favorites]

Break ups are complicated, in the best of times, and especially so when someone has cheated. Feelings don't switch off overnight, clean breaks can be very difficult and there's often a part of you that continues to care for that person despite their actions - hence perhaps the Instagram like on his ex's picture in June 2017.

Saying that, a lot of your post comes across as very, um, early-20s. So you and this guy have known each other for a round two weeks? And you're already exchanging I-love-yous and fixating on his exes? Dramas, much?

YOU DON'T KNOW THIS PERSON. You know that they are very charming, enjoy long conversations and are willing to whip out the emotional declaration big guns ridiculously quickly (red - or at least an orange flag, in my book), but you've spent barely any time together. Your gut instinct is very correct to be messaging you "slow down, cool your boots". I'd listen if I were you.
posted by doornoise at 2:15 PM on January 22, 2018 [6 favorites]

If his ex cheated on him and that was not enough for him to say directly "I want to break up" but instead just did a slow fade when an international relocation was at stake, then this guy is also not going to be direct with you either - whether about everyday issues or especially about difficult issues. His lack of clarity resulted in your understandable confusion about his timeline. And when you asked for clarity so that you can make an informed decision, he gave you the silent treatment (what you call "the zone mode") and made you feel guilty for even asking (he's "so sad" you thought you were a rebound).

But after all that, he still didn't answer the question, did he? You still don't know the timeline. And something that would have been a small, minor, momentary quibble is now looming very large over the entire relationship.

People think "nonconfrontational" is a good thing. But if it results in confusion and mixed messages, it's just avoidance. This guy is avoiding reasonable beginning-of-a-relationship-type questions, and you're twisting yourself up with guilt and second-guessing.

This is him at his absolute best. It won't get better.
posted by headnsouth at 2:16 PM on January 22, 2018 [13 favorites]

Five dates! It's only been five dates!

If you don't trust this guy, and you prefer only to sleep with men you trust (as I infer you do), then you can and should back off on the physical aspect of the relationship until you have a better sense of his character. Your gut is not wrong in telling you to slow down. Whether or not he is trustworthy, you can't know yet, and you've clearly advanced further than you're comfortable with.
posted by praemunire at 2:22 PM on January 22, 2018 [4 favorites]

Best answer: It sounds like you two have sparked some strong feelings in each other, which is exciting.

But I think you caught him in a lie. Maybe not a lie he intended to make, or perhaps it was a lie he was telling himself, as well. Something like, the last time he actually saw his ex was March 2017, and when he was describing their relationship he said they broke up then...but in actuality, maybe he hadn't found out she'd cheated yet at that point, or he knew but he was still conflicted over whether to break up, still had feelings for her that took months to process. I dunno for sure, of course. But that'd be my read.

On your second date, he was excited to see you again, overwhelmed at your mutual attraction. Maybe he wanted to sound more put together, maybe that old relationship never seemed more distant. And he exaggerated a bit. Then, when you're talking later, really opening up to each other, he describes a bit more about what that relationship was like, maybe admits to how much it affected him...and the timeline doesn't match. And you catch that. And he realized he fucked up, and he doesn't know how to handle it because he likes you a lot and doesn't want to lose you.

I dunno any of that for certain, of course. If I am reading the situation correctly? Then I guess I'd say, maybe slow down a bit. I think he fucked up a bit here. But everyone fucks up sometimes. See him again, see how you feel, get to know him a bit more and see if any other red flags show up or if he seems like a caring person who's looking out for you. If you catch him in other lies, then yeah, time to think about backing away. But I wouldn't automatically toss aside feelings as strong as your seem to be over this.
posted by Diablevert at 2:23 PM on January 22, 2018 [6 favorites]

"I think he fucked up a bit here. But everyone fucks up sometimes."

I agree. Give him another chance. Slow down, see what happens. Two weeks is a minuscule blip in time, even in a lifetime... remember that.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 2:32 PM on January 22, 2018 [1 favorite]

- You're both very dramatic

- His history with his ex is troublesome because it as an indirect break-up, adults w/ mature relationship skills usually communicate about breaking up.

- He's being indirect and dramatic with you.

- He's using guilt & moping to shut down communication with you about his relationship choices.

- Your gut is telling you to run because despite your connection, he lacks the mature relationship skills to make a fulfilling intimate relationship possible with you. He will never meet your emotional needs with deflection and moping, but deflection and moping are his go-to responses when anything difficult requires attention, see: his break-up with his ex.

- If she even is an ex. We don't know. He might even be married to this person. We don't know!! But the staring at the ceiling and weird explanation/confession in a dark room is Red Flag City.



Fade on him, run. This is a recipe for disaster and you deserve better.
posted by jbenben at 2:34 PM on January 22, 2018 [12 favorites]

Upon preview, I agree with Diablevert that you caught him in a lie. Absolutely. Based on his overblown reaction, I disagree that this was a white lie on his part. You're not his mom or his therapist. If he can't handle being honest about his ex 6 months to a year after breaking up, there's too much there to put up with 2 weeks into dating.
posted by jbenben at 2:40 PM on January 22, 2018 [8 favorites]

I don't know somehow I wanna run away from him now, because I don't know how to confront with him about his story of his ex again, I don't want to make him upset again !!.

He's "taught" you, with this behavior, that asking difficult questions means upsetting him in a way that will be uncomfortable for you - and you still won't get answers. I think your impulse to run is solid.
posted by bunderful at 2:47 PM on January 22, 2018 [32 favorites]

Jeez at the people telling you to run.

I would say: don't worry about his ex so much if you can help it. You're five dates in with someone you really enjoy being with. That's it. Try to just enjoy this time as much as you can. Maybe your feelings will continue to grow and deepen, and mellow into something long-term. Maybe it will be fun and exciting and then fizzle for no apparent reason. Maybe it will indeed turn out that he has problems with direct communication - maybe they'll be issues he can work on (you're both so young!), maybe they won't.

But you don't really have enough to go on yet, and that's reasonable, because it's been five dates. Now is the time to see how you like being with each other. Take any orange flags and file them away in your memory - but if you like being together, don't worry about it too much just yet. If you feel like he's trying to get serious before you're comfortable, let him know that and see how he reacts. If you feel like you're trying to get serious before he's comfortable, ask him about it and, again, see how he reacts.
posted by lunasol at 2:50 PM on January 22, 2018 [5 favorites]

Best answer: I suspect this will be an unpopular opinion, but based on the panicked tenor of your question I don’t think you are in a good place to be dating right now. I think you should end things with this guy and then take a few months to really work on yourself. You are creeping on his Instagram and have worked yourself into an absolute tizzy. You need to be in a more grounded place, and have a better sense of your own self-worth and what you want in a relationship, before diving into anything romantic.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 2:55 PM on January 22, 2018 [27 favorites]

Oh oops, I missed the part in your question where you said you wanted to run, which I guess is why people are telling you to run!

Do you feel like this when you're with him, or just when you're on your own and thinking about it? Are you prone to getting anxious and running when you're in a relationship, or is this new for you? If you feel like this when you're with him, that seems like a good sign you're not enjoying things anymore. If you feel like this when you're alone, and it's not your normal pattern, then take some time to think about it. Do you feel like he's pushing things too fast?

Again: you're five dates in. If you are enjoying being with him, keep going and see how things evolve. If you're already feeling like it's stressful because he's not great at communicating, or your communication styles are incompatible, well, it's been five dates. That's a short enough amount of time that you shouldn't feel like you need to invest a lot to make this "work."
posted by lunasol at 2:55 PM on January 22, 2018

Never stop being scared of moving too fast in relationships. There's a reason your insides are screaming STOP THIS STOP THIS NOW.

You've been in an abusive relationship? He's talking about his feelings for you on the third date? There's crying? He's "upset" and "staring at the ceiling" and letting you know in a dramatic, adolescent way that he's upset? You're checking the dates of his pictures with his ex on Instagram?

Girl. No. No. NO.

I'm not going to be able to convince you not to go there with this guy because you probably will. But you shouldn't. You shouldn't because if you are in your early twenties and you've already had an abusive relationship and you are already dramatically entwined with this guy and doing blow by blows of your five dates and having a little bit of drama already? Then this is just another of these intense, fast relationships that are about filling up voids or fulfilling a relationship style that both of you have learned somewhere in your young lives.

Go work on yourself. Spend the money you spend on yourself. Learn some new things. Read more. Listen to music. Travel. Put away ten percent of each paycheck. Invest in your friendships. Learn how to fix things and make things. Research some weird, obscure places. Go to some of those places and take pictures. Talk to your family. See them as often as you can. Make friends with your siblings, if you have any. Keep up with them. You are young and you have a million opportunities to do a million different things that are not all about getting somebody to love you forever. Figure out what you want to do with the rest of your one precious life.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 3:00 PM on January 22, 2018 [33 favorites]

Best answer: Coming back to second schroedingersgirl's assessment.

I'd also recommend you take a look at the fantastic Baggage Reclaim website. It's excellent for helping confused daters see the wood for the trees, and I think this post on red flags and 'knowing when to bail' might be relevant reading in this situation.
posted by doornoise at 3:02 PM on January 22, 2018 [4 favorites]

Best answer: This post on 'fast forwarding' in relationships might also be interesting for you to read.

Fast-Forwarders…

– Push for emotional commitment and often sexual intimacy very quickly

– Make you feel like the centre of their universe

– Distract you from looking too closely at them

– Can be emotionally demanding

– Refer to the types of plans that people who have been in relationships far longer would discuss – marriage, babies, etc

– Some will introduce you to friends, family (including their kids) very quickly

– Say stuff like ‘But it feels like we have known each other for X months’ when you object to something and mention how you hardly know each other

– Can be petulant and sulky when they don’t get their own way so you quickly learn to minimise conflict

– Even though they appear to respect an asserted boundary, often quickly try to recross it

– Are very persistent when you’re not interested in them

– Will privately and sometimes openly think you’re The One pretty much immediately

– Will be eager to ‘title the relationship’ and demand commitment even when you hardly know each other

– Often have strings of high intensity short dalliances that fizzle out quickly

– Overestimate their level of interest

– Often veer between deflecting questions about themselves, oversharing, or telling lies and using selective omissions
posted by doornoise at 3:11 PM on January 22, 2018 [11 favorites]

This is too intense, too fast—and I don't just mean romantically intense. The way he's reacting to things is also too intense. He's kept you second-guessing by oversharing, then ceasing conversation when you happen to mention something he doesn't want to talk about, then jumping to conclusions about what he thinks you were saying, so you feel compelled to talk him out of that incorrect interpretation and convince him of your intentions. He's already behaving in ways that make you feel a need to explain yourself and feel guilty for asking basic questions about the past that anyone might ask.

I've definitely been involved in super-intense fast-moving relationships before where things felt somehow derailed by something as basic as my sharing a song I liked by a band that happened to remind a dude of his ex, or my sharing too much information with a friend about something I thought was innocuous but transgressed an unspoken boundary a guy had. In each case, it made me feel anguished, because it felt like I'd ruined our magical connection by saying the wrong thing, whereas in fact it's ridiculous that a full-grown man can't handle hearing the mere reference to a song or an idea or differing boundaries without it majorly impacting his mental state.

Sure, not everyone wants to talk about past relationships. But in this case, you had a feeling something might be strange about the end of his past relationship (partly due to how fast this relationship was moving and those interactions with his ex you happened to notice online), you asked about the timeline of events, and he got upset to the point that he jumped to conclusions about what you thought. Even if you were reading too much into the things you were finding online, the fact that you felt compelled to dig up those things isn't good. This feels a bit like crazy-making.

You mentioned you were previously in an abusive relationship. One thing relationships like that can do to you is damage your ability to trust yourself when you have a feeling about things. So trust yourself. Trust that feeling that this is a little bit too good to be true. Slow it down. If he's right for you, he will be able to deal with that. If he's not, slowing it down is going to show you, one way or another, whether he can handle the normal way relationships progress, bit by bit over time. I have a feeling that slowing things down may lead him to catastrophize and freak out about the possibility your connection might be lost, in which case I'd say move on from that drama. It's worth trying it to see!
posted by limeonaire at 4:50 PM on January 22, 2018 [7 favorites]

Do some research on love bombing, narcissists, and sociopaths and then make an educated decision.

What jumped out at me is when you said you didn't want to upset him like that again. What he did, in my opinion, was got caught in a lie, reacted in a way to make you feel like it was YOUR fault that he got upset, and now in the future you will be less likely to challenge him on not just that particular lie, but ANY lie.

Having been recently involved in a situation like this, I cannot tell you how often I wish I had run the very first time my ex showed his true colors. If you want to give him a second chance, then you better run the second time. Frankly, I'd go now.
posted by thorny at 9:09 PM on January 22, 2018 [9 favorites]

As a fellow traveler of the world who has also recovered from an abusive relationship, I have learned a few things in my six years out.

- When guys want to talk about their exes this early, it's a red flag;
- When things aren't still fun and light and exciting on date five, it's a red flag;
- When they push on the boundaries of typical social convention too early (giving gifts, talking about stuff that you'd usually only talk about with a really close friend or a therapist) it's a red flag;
- When your Ask me question has more paragraphs than the number of dates you've been on (and I say this as someone who has posted similar questions!) it's a red flag;
- When your stomach feels weird and dating feels like a huge dilemma and it's consuming your brain and energy and time that's a giant red flag.

We don't owe other people that we barely know anything. Even if we thought we liked them and now it turns out that we aren't that into them. After five dates you can say "I am not in a place to be dating anyone right now" but -- expect that he may try to put up a fight and continue dating. It's ok to walk away from this guy, even if he protests.

I learned this the hard way, but I have exercised the muscle that listens to my gut a lot over the past six years. It was a weak muscle at first but now I can easily say (metaphorically, I don't actually say this to guys I'm chatting with online on dating sites) "goodbye forever" and move on. Dating, especially at the beginning of a potential relationship, is not like this. Dating should primarily be fun, should not require anyone to be anyone else's therapist, and should not consume your brain power. If it does, it's not going well. A guy doesn't have to be actively abusive to be bad news.

I wish you the best. Dating is hard, triply so after abuse.
posted by sockermom at 10:42 PM on January 22, 2018 [9 favorites]

Anxious/preoccupied attachment styles can be difficult to differentiate from red flags in the beginning, and lying about past especially in the case of accurately recalling events from a traumatic experience can be subjective, and not many people take rejection, percieved or otherwise especially so when in a state of excitement/infatuation, but what stands out for me very much about this is how he dealt with you approaching him with your concerns; compatibility in communication is absolutely essential for the success of any relationship, and in this case it is definitely not indicative of a good outcome or healthy relationship going forward .
posted by OnefortheLast at 3:04 PM on January 23, 2018 [1 favorite]

From what you said, I wouldn’t be anything like as DTMFA as many replies here. So he broke up messily with his ex many months ago. And he’s been a bit clumsy about “liking” posts after that. It happens. It’s often difficult to pinpoint the date of a breakup, particularly if you don’t go completely no-contact afterwards. To me, the key issue is that there is no contact whatsoever between him and his ex since the day you met. If you can be sure about that, then I wouldn’t be wildly concerned.

If it’s any help, your relationship progress is positively glacial compared with what happened when I met my wife. Ultra-high-speed relationships don’t have to be disasters.
posted by tillsbury at 7:08 PM on January 26, 2018 [1 favorite]

Ultra high speed relationships don't have to be disasters, but if you've survived an abusive relationship you have a fundamentally different context and it is best to approach relationships differently than someone who's never been abused. Not all fast relationships are abusive, but things like saying I love you after just a few dates and discussions about how it's "not their fault" that their previous relationship broke up and crying over it--these are common strategies that abusers use, and even if this guy is not an abuser he's clearly not ready to be in a relationship. And as some pointed out above, the OP may not be either. And that is okay.

They issue here has nothing to do with his ex. The key issue is that he pulled some seriously questionable shit on what, date five? And that shit left you feeling unable to talk about your feelings without making him sad, resulting in a strange shift in your interaction for the rest of the evening. This scene sets up a dynamic where his feelings have priority over yours, and that's a pretty toxic setup. Ask me how I know.
posted by sockermom at 12:02 AM on January 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: First, thank you, everyone! For the patient to write the honest opinions and suggestions to my question, I really appreciate all of you guys feedbacks.

I would like to list some mispoints I didn't demonstrate in original the question:
1. He did not bring much about his exes until the time I posted the questions, it was all me digging into old pasts.
2. My attached type is anxious-preoccupied.
3. I only felt confused when I was writing this answer alone but when I was him I don't felt so.

During the past one week since I posted the question, I have made some progress:
on the first day I was decided to break up with him after I saw all of you guys answers, but we ended up talked all night, I went straight ahead told him all of my confusions e.g. cleared the timeline about his exes, I "stalked" his social media status.
He told me everything, cleared my doubts

I felt ridiculous and ashamed that I stalked him, and opened my doubts to him actually made us felt closer. So I decided to give another shot of us

On the day 4th one night, he told me his story about a girl he and crush on, he invested da whole year on her, but ends up found out she used him all along( originally he told me she just a friend.), so he cut her off at the end of 2017 December. He told me he is so relieved after he told me the whole story, and he never told to anybody else cause he was so ashamed that he be used by a girl in a such a horrible way.

And slowly he unfolded more stories originally was been mis-briefed during the past 5 dates e.g. on the second dates he told me he went somewhere alone but actually he went with the girl he had crush on.

What I understand of our relationship till now is :
1. We met a couple of weeks, he was telling me some stories which are untrue at the beginning date.
2. He is slowing telling me more about his past experiences and his families now after communications.
3. We really enjoyed each other's companies and cared for each other.
4. When I was him I don't have any doubts and very happy.
5. He and I had introduced each other to indirect families (his cousins and friends) and friends (my very close friends) over the phone.
6. We exchange relatively expensive gifts.
7. We talked about serious topics.
8. I helped him go through some tough decision-making process.
9. He always tries to make sure what we are doing satisfy me first.

But tbh, I really don't know what am I thinking about this relationship, I can just list out above things but can't really process any valid conclusion out of them other than going with the flow.
posted by dadaxiang1204 at 10:56 PM on January 28, 2018