Right tone for death conversations with curious preschooler
January 17, 2018 6:05 AM Subscribe
My 3.5 year old is going through an age-appropriate curiosity about death. She has some direct experience with the matter: her grandfather passed away a little over a year ago. It’s not a taboo subject in the house (grandfather or death generally), but I’d like to tread carefully lest I make it into A Big Deal.
At bedtime—and more often with me than with my wife (whose father was the one to die)—my daughter will observe, matter of factly, “When I’m old, I’m going to die” or “When I die, my bones will come out” or “Maybe we’ll die at the same time!” She mentions wanting to bring flowers (or a carrot!) to her grandfather’s grave, because he’d like it.
There’s no fear, and it’s not every day that it comes up. I’m not concerned with her curiosity, and I’d like to support it in an age appropriate way so that I don’t make it unhealthy.
So, for instance, when she talks about her grandfather, we discuss how we miss him and keep him in our hearts, and how much fun he was (though not dwelling on the sadness aspect, which to be fair, she doesn’t mention). When she talks about her or me dying, we talk about how that’s a long time away, and how many bedtime stories we have to read in the interim. When she talks about her bones, we talk about how our bones give our bodies strength. I think we’ll get her a kid’s anatomy book.
I’m comfortable with our conversations (at least that they’re not giving her a complex), but while the subject isn’t taboo, there’s an element of deflection, and we’re having the same conversations/redirections. It goes without saying, though, while her curiosity seems normal and healthy, for me as a parent, contemplating my child’s death is an emotional subject, though I keep that to myself during our talks.
If your otherwise we’ll-adjusted preschooler went through a phase of curiosity about death, what did you do to support that exploration? We’re not religious.
At bedtime—and more often with me than with my wife (whose father was the one to die)—my daughter will observe, matter of factly, “When I’m old, I’m going to die” or “When I die, my bones will come out” or “Maybe we’ll die at the same time!” She mentions wanting to bring flowers (or a carrot!) to her grandfather’s grave, because he’d like it.
There’s no fear, and it’s not every day that it comes up. I’m not concerned with her curiosity, and I’d like to support it in an age appropriate way so that I don’t make it unhealthy.
So, for instance, when she talks about her grandfather, we discuss how we miss him and keep him in our hearts, and how much fun he was (though not dwelling on the sadness aspect, which to be fair, she doesn’t mention). When she talks about her or me dying, we talk about how that’s a long time away, and how many bedtime stories we have to read in the interim. When she talks about her bones, we talk about how our bones give our bodies strength. I think we’ll get her a kid’s anatomy book.
I’m comfortable with our conversations (at least that they’re not giving her a complex), but while the subject isn’t taboo, there’s an element of deflection, and we’re having the same conversations/redirections. It goes without saying, though, while her curiosity seems normal and healthy, for me as a parent, contemplating my child’s death is an emotional subject, though I keep that to myself during our talks.
If your otherwise we’ll-adjusted preschooler went through a phase of curiosity about death, what did you do to support that exploration? We’re not religious.
I’m certainly no expert, but my 5-year old son recently went through this, and his focus was my mother, who died when he was 9 months old. At least once a day he would remind me that I have no mommy because she’s dead (ugh gut punch). He generally brought this up in front of my 3-year old, so the two of them would ask me about death and dying and why people die and all that fun stuff. I went the route of “she was very old and sick and this is nothing you need to worry about,” which, while not entirely honest, I feel is age appropriate. I tried to answer their questions as frankly as possible while still shielding them from the big bad truths of life. Because, they’re little. There’s plenty of time for the bad stuff later. So yeah, I think that an element of honesty and trying to answer questions and letting her talk, while subsequently deflecting/redirecting is appropriate at that age.
The other thing they started doing was pretending they were dead in various make-believe games they played. I put the kibosh on that - that’s not something that I can handle watching, and it doesn’t seem necessary to their development. Maybe I’m wrong, I don’t know.
Anyway, this went on for a few months then sort of petered out. It’s a phase and it sounds like you’re handling it perfectly.
posted by amro at 6:24 AM on January 17, 2018
The other thing they started doing was pretending they were dead in various make-believe games they played. I put the kibosh on that - that’s not something that I can handle watching, and it doesn’t seem necessary to their development. Maybe I’m wrong, I don’t know.
Anyway, this went on for a few months then sort of petered out. It’s a phase and it sounds like you’re handling it perfectly.
posted by amro at 6:24 AM on January 17, 2018
My kiddo went through a very similar phase. We talked about it matter-of-factly; Yes, people die; death is a part of life, etc. I told kiddo that sometimes people get sick, and they try really really hard to get better but they weren't able to get better (this was specifically in reference to my mom, who died of cancer long before kiddo was born). I explained that this wasn't a normal sickness like a cold. I avoided the concept of accidents, especially car accidents since we're all in the car a lot, and the idea that people can die when they're younger. I said that kiddo will be grown up before mom or dad die (that one hurt given my own reality but statistics are hopefully in my favor).
As part of this phase we had to listen to a litany of dead people for a few months - "Jesus is dead, George Washington is dead, Martin Luther King is dead, Grandma is dead..." This most often happened in the car when kiddo was otherwise unoccupied and his mind was wandering. Sometimes we'd interject with something like "yes but we still love them and we still remember them" but mostly we'd just let him process through it.
I think the most important thing though is don't answer more than kiddo asks. Don't attach any bigger concepts or religion to the conversation, and be as gentle but matter-of-fact as possible.
posted by vignettist at 6:27 AM on January 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
As part of this phase we had to listen to a litany of dead people for a few months - "Jesus is dead, George Washington is dead, Martin Luther King is dead, Grandma is dead..." This most often happened in the car when kiddo was otherwise unoccupied and his mind was wandering. Sometimes we'd interject with something like "yes but we still love them and we still remember them" but mostly we'd just let him process through it.
I think the most important thing though is don't answer more than kiddo asks. Don't attach any bigger concepts or religion to the conversation, and be as gentle but matter-of-fact as possible.
posted by vignettist at 6:27 AM on January 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
Yes, our guys have done this too. My son was 4 when a close friend of mine died after a cancer battle, and the questions and comments went on for months. We approached it very similarly to questions about sex. Answer the questions the child asks, give factual information but keep in mind where they are developmentally and what they are able to understand.
So we talked about the fact that dying is when the body stops working. You don't breathe or eat or move or feel anymore. We talked about that being something that happens usually when you are very old. We talked about sometimes that happens to younger people too when they have a sickness or a terrible injury that doctors cannot heal. We talked about how we all will die one day, that it is part of being alive, but that we all hope and plan to be alive for a long time to come.
There was also one day that I just couldn't take the questions anymore. I explained to my son that when people die, the people who loved them miss them and feel sad they cannot be together anymore, and that talking only about their death ignores the rest of their life and what made them special and wonderful. We talked about how it can be a kindness to ask about what they were like when they were alive, about special memories or something they did that was funny or things like that, and that holding and sharing those memories is a way to love them. He took that to heart and still asks about memories of people who have died. That felt like the biggest piece of it all for us.
posted by goggie at 7:19 AM on January 17, 2018 [30 favorites]
So we talked about the fact that dying is when the body stops working. You don't breathe or eat or move or feel anymore. We talked about that being something that happens usually when you are very old. We talked about sometimes that happens to younger people too when they have a sickness or a terrible injury that doctors cannot heal. We talked about how we all will die one day, that it is part of being alive, but that we all hope and plan to be alive for a long time to come.
There was also one day that I just couldn't take the questions anymore. I explained to my son that when people die, the people who loved them miss them and feel sad they cannot be together anymore, and that talking only about their death ignores the rest of their life and what made them special and wonderful. We talked about how it can be a kindness to ask about what they were like when they were alive, about special memories or something they did that was funny or things like that, and that holding and sharing those memories is a way to love them. He took that to heart and still asks about memories of people who have died. That felt like the biggest piece of it all for us.
posted by goggie at 7:19 AM on January 17, 2018 [30 favorites]
My 3.5 year old is asking the same questions. Although we’ve had no family deaths in her memory, we recently watched Moana and she has been making the connection between Moana’s grandmother (who dies early in the movie) and her own grandparents. When she asks what “die” means, we’ve been telling her that it means someone’s body and brain stop working. Last night, she asked me, “What happens when you die?” and I started that routine, and she said, “No, what happens when YOU die?” Ouch. I told her that IF that happened, I wouldn’t be with her, but Daddy and Grandma and Grandpa and everyone who loves her would take care of her, but there’s no reason to think that my body will stop working. She seemed satisfied and not particularly worried, so…
Anyway, just n’th-ing that it seems to be an age-appropriate phase.
posted by Kriesa at 7:56 AM on January 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
Anyway, just n’th-ing that it seems to be an age-appropriate phase.
posted by Kriesa at 7:56 AM on January 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
I’m a religious person, so there’s that, but I remember a quote I once read by Theodore Geisel (Dr. Seuss) about the power of imagination in children and how too often, adults rush to force children into our world, instead of meeting them in theirs.
What I mean by this is, whenever my children would ask a question about something, rather than rush to give the “correct” answer, I would try to just live in their world for a while. So for example, “Why is the sky blue?” is less about the sun reflecting upon ice crystals and more about “Good question. Why do you think the sky is blue?” In my kids, giving the authority back to them would set their minds off in all sorts of directions that were fun for them, and for me, to explore.
I think the same could work with death, regardless of your belief system, as long as you are comfortable allowing their imagination to run wild, and to say “I don’t know” when you can or need to in order to let their minds explore the concept for awhile.
Beyond that, I think all you can do is remind them how much you love them and how you and the other adults who care about them will do all in your power to keep them happy and safe from harm.
posted by 4ster at 7:30 PM on January 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
What I mean by this is, whenever my children would ask a question about something, rather than rush to give the “correct” answer, I would try to just live in their world for a while. So for example, “Why is the sky blue?” is less about the sun reflecting upon ice crystals and more about “Good question. Why do you think the sky is blue?” In my kids, giving the authority back to them would set their minds off in all sorts of directions that were fun for them, and for me, to explore.
I think the same could work with death, regardless of your belief system, as long as you are comfortable allowing their imagination to run wild, and to say “I don’t know” when you can or need to in order to let their minds explore the concept for awhile.
Beyond that, I think all you can do is remind them how much you love them and how you and the other adults who care about them will do all in your power to keep them happy and safe from harm.
posted by 4ster at 7:30 PM on January 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
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posted by saladin at 6:21 AM on January 17, 2018 [1 favorite]