Helping children grieve loss of pet
January 16, 2018 11:59 AM   Subscribe

Our dog passed yesterday and we are looking for advice on helping our children grieve. Complicating factor - one of our children is on the autism spectrum and has been particularly close to the dog. We expect they will act out extensively given issues regulating emotions. Suggestions or thoughts welcome on how to approach

Our ten year dog (Hansel) was a wonderful and beloved family member for nearly ten years. He passed quickly after an unexpected illness. Our children knew he was sick and they saw me carry him to the car to race to the vet - where he collapsed and passed.

We have told our children (3 and 5) so far that the dog is at the vet, and is very sick. Our 5 year old is on the spectrum and already has begun acting out because he is worried about the dog (we barely got him to school today - it was a "yip you can wear pajamas if that will get you on the bus" sort of morning). To make matters worse he recently had a school teacher pass very unexpectedly and quickly after a brief illness....and although he understands the notion of death to some extent...he has become very concerned that anyone or anything that gets sick is going to die.

Our current plan is that we delay telling our children the news till Friday this week, to allow us the weekend to help the children grieve without school, work, etc all getting in the way. The downside to that plan is that delaying the news is also heightening anxiety.

Current plan is:
1. Stick with the story that the dog is at the vet and has been very sick, and that it is ok to be worried about Hansel, we are too, but that we love him.
2. We've let his teachers know what has happened (and he is a smaller class where they are accommodating about it and he has the right support structures at school to help)
3. Working with our ABA (autism therapist) to get advice and build a plan on his response, and will have an ABA with us at home for a regular session when we break the news to the children on Friday
4. On Friday give the children the best "normal day" we can (Cheese Pizza at school for lunch etc.). Early afternoon, when our ABA will be at home with us, sit down as a family and tell the kids as directly as we can what has happened and try and help them grieve.

Totally making this plan up as we go and its probably not great......so any advice warmly taken.
posted by inflatablekiwi to Human Relations (12 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: Sometimes a book can help. The Tenth Good Thing About Barney is about the death of a cat, and is very beautiful and may be helpful to you.
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:09 PM on January 16, 2018 [3 favorites]


Best answer: The Tenth Good Thing About Barney was really helpful to me when I was 3 and our dog died. Even though we didn't bury our dog in the yard the way (IIRC) the family does in that book, the circle of life theme really helped me.

Also, know that there's no "perfect" way to do this. You can obviously get some strategies from other MefFites, but you know your children, and you're going to do the best that you can and that's going to be what's right for your kids.
posted by radioamy at 1:00 PM on January 16, 2018


Best answer: I'm so sorry about Hansel. Losing a teacher and a pet would be hard for any child. I came in to suggest a book, but I see that has been mentioned, so I'll second that : ) Maybe when everyone is ready, you can make a memory book of Hansel together.

I think it can be really therapeutic for children to have a way to let their feelings out and make their feelings concrete. What's hard about grief is that it's so abstract and yet so real. This is really difficult for children on the spectrum to process, and I wonder if a play therapist or expressive therapist might help your child.

In the shorter term, it might help to make a collage of pictures of Hansel, together as a family. Processing it together can be a way to model that it's OK to cry, be angry, and feel hurt. You can talk about feelings, best memories, and how you'll cope and take care of yourself when you feel down. This can be a model for your kids, of how people come together and help support each other in hard times.

Can each member draw a picture of how it feels to be sad (this can be a scribble on a page), then a second picture of what you'll do to feel better? It's not about the quality of the art - it's about having a picture to refer to when the child becomes upset and needs a reminder of how to feel better. If each member of the family did this, you can hang them up together as a reminder that everyone is feeling hurt but everyone will help each other cope. If the child without autism is sad and needs support, you can help support the child with autism support the sibling by helping with whatever is on the picture (i.e. "Sister is sad - can you help me get her blanket? Remember when we drew pictures, she said it would make her feel better?")

When I worked with children on the spectrum, we wrote them stories to help them process trauma and life changes. This can be really helpful because it's the same words over and over again, on a page - customized to them and their life. It gives them a narrative to help them think about and feel what they are going through. Books *about* grief are great, but depending on how high functioning your child is, it may help even more to make something for them personally.

Another aspect of grief is community support. Perhaps ask you children's teachers to pass around a card to their classmates expressing that they care and are sorry for the loss. Feeling supported during the grief process is so important, and this can be another thing to hang up where your child can see it.

Full disclosure - I'm trained as an art therapist and I've worked with children on the spectrum. Hope my advice isn't too left field.
posted by onecircleaday at 1:04 PM on January 16, 2018 [7 favorites]


There is an excellent Mister Rogers' book and video on the loss of a pet.
posted by k8t at 1:05 PM on January 16, 2018


I'm so sorry.

When you say you've let the teachers know, do they know you aren't telling until Friday? It would be terrible all around if a teacher unknowingly broke the news.
posted by kapers at 1:40 PM on January 16, 2018


Although it's difficult because you have school and work and things, but I think that delaying this news until Friday may well make it worse for all of you.

In my experience, personal and with children, uncertainty is worse than even very bad realities. If your child is already acting out due to anxiety, I don't see the situation improving by waiting until the end of the week; and also you have to carry your own grief but also hide it - concealing the truth is very difficult.

My children's grandfather recently passed, and we had a bit of the opposite problem - when we got the call, his death was imminent and certain, but had not happened yet. We told the kids that he was very sick and was going to die, and Daddy was getting on a plane right away. Their response was, "we're sure he'll be fine; we've been sick too, and we got better". When my husband called the next morning to tell us that his father had passed and we needed to prepare for travel ASAP, I decided to wait til the end of the school day to tell the kids, and even that was torture for me. I did tell my daughter's preschool teachers, and they kindly and discreetly sent home a bag of books about loss. As it turned out, most of them were about pets. The tenth good thing about Barney was one of them.

In the evening, I told the kids, and we cried together for a little bit, and then we read as many of the stories as we could get through. The kids were very sad, but spending time together just being sad was good for all of us. I was really worried about taking them to the funeral - a sudden, very distant, unplanned trip with lots of sad grown-up events - but they surprised us all by how well they held up. In the aftermath, my 4 year old became obsessed with death and talked about it all the time, but that seemed to be her way of working through her feelings. My son (7) hasn't said much, and that seems to be his way.

You know your family best, but I think it might be better to just bite the bullet and tell the kids. However it shakes out, I'm sorry for your loss and wish you and your kids the best.
posted by telepanda at 2:01 PM on January 16, 2018 [2 favorites]


Best answer: When Nanuk died, my Son was 9 and my daughter was 6. Tyson died when my son was 3 and daughter was less than 1. They both sit on the bookshelf behind our mantle in the living room. In both cases, we let the kids say some goodbyes; although in Nanuk's case, because there was a level of trauma associated with seeing his death, we minimized the kid's exposure to seeing him. (We wrapped him in a blanket and had him in a kiddie pool when I took him to the vet. They were not allowed to come downstairs while we cleaned the stench of death from the house.)

With Tyson, my oldest remembers and knew him. My youngest just has pictures of her crawling on him. Sometimes randomly they'll say "I miss Tyson" or "I miss Nanuk" but that's rare.

When both dog's ashes were available, we all went to pick them up. We talked about them. We were sad. We missed them. I think they made goodbye cards... or at least started to at some point. We talked about how much pain each dog was in. We talked about what kinds of good boys each of them were. We told them that they weren't in any more pain. We talked a lot about dead things for the next few days. Kids get pretty umm... blunt about their questions on death... pretty morbid. Kids say disturbing things while they try to process a death that they understand. We answered, sort of encouraged them to explore their thoughts - which is a weird thing to say but yeah... kids need to figure out death and... that involves some weird statements while they process it.

We also talked about funerals, and when they went dark, my wife and I went New Orlean's Jazz style... which was a more fun way to view it. We celebrated their lives instead of being sad... it also helps that I have a trombone. If you don't have a trombone... all I can say is, maybe you'll luck out and somebody on Metafilter will give you a Banjo...
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:04 PM on January 16, 2018 [4 favorites]


My four year old son has, unfortunately, been dealing with several animal and family deaths in the last year and it has been really rough on him. I would prepare for unexpected reactions and emotions - we've had everything from anger to ambivalence to crying to Target cashiers because the cat died 10 months later. Lots of blunt and morbid questions as well. Books are great and also personal stories can be really helpful, he's been asking me to repeat the story of the first funeral I attended every night before bed.

Also, I've noticed that I wrapped up so much energy in worrying about my son's reaction to death, that it's made it harder for me to grieve. But modeling appropriate behavior - not keeping yourself all bottled up - is also important in times like this.
posted by galvanized unicorn at 2:12 PM on January 16, 2018


Agreed with above posters: my daughter also said a lot of weird and morbid and really inappropriate things in the aftermath of her grandfather's death. We smiled and patiently answered her painfully detailed questions over and over and didn't let on AT ALL how weird or inappropriate they were. Instead I was silently grateful that at least my kids hadn't yet internalized a lot of the taboos about death and that that made it easier for them to handle. Her teachers were really helpful on this front as well - running interference between her and the other kids while also giving her space to talk and ask questions, and not making her feel bad for it.
posted by telepanda at 2:17 PM on January 16, 2018 [4 favorites]


The most important thing you can do for a child (or anyone) who is grieving the loss of a pet is to respect their grief and sadness, and don't minimize it because it was a pet, or try to distract them with other things like "hey! we can get another pet, do x thing, give you a toy whatever".

Have a funeral, let your children help plan it.

In future, don't do any lies around a death. Be forthright and honest as it unfolds.
posted by nanook at 3:25 PM on January 16, 2018 [2 favorites]


Best answer: I’m so sorry. It’s such a tough thing to deal with. I can only share a couple of things that really helped us grieve. First, we came home to a candle burning for her. A friend taped a sweet sleeping picture of our girl onto a clear glass pillar candle (like the Jesus candle you can buy in the Mexi section of the grocery). It burns for a week. The little light of that flicker and the photo gave us such comfort that we moved the photo to a second candle, and then ten. Seriously. We were sad. Then we made it a project and bought the supplies to refill the glasses and burned several more. We’d created a sort of tiny altar for her and it helped. We still have that spot for her, just no longer a candle. Second, we dedicated a little spot in the yard as a flower garden for her. I picked out seeds and starts and painted a rock. Ritual and remembrance. Worked for us. We have not yet decided what to do with her ashes, but I agree that’s another excellent opportunity. Take care of yourselves.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 11:13 PM on January 16, 2018


Response by poster: Thanks for all your advice (including those that mailed me as well). We ended up tell our kids yesterday, after altering our plan through working with one of his the school teachers (who even came over after school to help us execute the plan, while another teacher sent a really nice video clip to our phones to play to our kids! - our school teachers rock!).

One of the teachers (like one of the prior posters here!) had the brilliant suggestion of having an art project ready to go with pictures of our dog printed out, and to have our kids make a big collage of him on some cardboard, and add their thoughts and talk about their emotions as they did it. That worked really really well.

I'm glad we took our time and planned how we approached it, rather than just breaking the news cold, and although our 5 yo's initial reaction was really intense physically and emotionally, we were able to redirect some of that into the activity to help both our kids grieve and start to ask questions and tell us their emotions, and things overall went as well as it probably could given the circumstances.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 9:17 AM on January 17, 2018 [4 favorites]


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