Fitting In Their Suitcase Is Out
January 15, 2018 6:57 PM Subscribe
One of my dearest friends and his girlfriend are moving across the country in June. I need some coping tips.
I've known C and N for 15 years now; C and I worked together on his theater company for half that time. And he is possibly the person I trust more than anyone else on the planet, and just gets me on a level few people do. But work has always been thin for him here (he does lighting design and photography) and his girlfriend N is from the Colorado area and has been wanting to return for years. They're finally going to go there this June.
So far I've been...coping. I've been reminding myself that this really will be better for him (he has some job leads already, as opposed to barely scraping by here), and reminding myself about how infrequently we actually see each other in person anyway these days (....not much over the past couple years; they manage 3 AirBnB properties and are often away at one of those, or he is doing some craft fair with his photography). I'm also making a bit more of a conscious effort to cultivate other friendships.
But this....this is gonna be hard. Like, saying-good-bye-to-your-high-school-best-friend-who's-going-to-a-different-college hard. I've already caught myself at times - when they talk about the move, or even just mention it - I'll sort of bite my tongue and not look at them because I'm afraid I'm going to blurt out "IT SUCKS THAT YOU'RE MOVING AWAY AND LEAVING ME". And I'm afraid I'm going to be a wreck when they actually do move.
I have quietly told C that I will miss him terribly. He knows. And - to fend off any suspicions about the nature of my devotion; this isn't unrequited love for C. We did date for a few months right when we met, then broke up and started working together instead and found that was better. These days he feels so much like a brother that it literally sets off my incest taboo. N I know a little less well, but I've come to love her too, and they really are made for each other; he's been smitten by her since they first met.
I'm afraid I'm going to be a wreck when their moving day comes, and I want to be able to let them go gracefully. Help.
I've known C and N for 15 years now; C and I worked together on his theater company for half that time. And he is possibly the person I trust more than anyone else on the planet, and just gets me on a level few people do. But work has always been thin for him here (he does lighting design and photography) and his girlfriend N is from the Colorado area and has been wanting to return for years. They're finally going to go there this June.
So far I've been...coping. I've been reminding myself that this really will be better for him (he has some job leads already, as opposed to barely scraping by here), and reminding myself about how infrequently we actually see each other in person anyway these days (....not much over the past couple years; they manage 3 AirBnB properties and are often away at one of those, or he is doing some craft fair with his photography). I'm also making a bit more of a conscious effort to cultivate other friendships.
But this....this is gonna be hard. Like, saying-good-bye-to-your-high-school-best-friend-who's-going-to-a-different-college hard. I've already caught myself at times - when they talk about the move, or even just mention it - I'll sort of bite my tongue and not look at them because I'm afraid I'm going to blurt out "IT SUCKS THAT YOU'RE MOVING AWAY AND LEAVING ME". And I'm afraid I'm going to be a wreck when they actually do move.
I have quietly told C that I will miss him terribly. He knows. And - to fend off any suspicions about the nature of my devotion; this isn't unrequited love for C. We did date for a few months right when we met, then broke up and started working together instead and found that was better. These days he feels so much like a brother that it literally sets off my incest taboo. N I know a little less well, but I've come to love her too, and they really are made for each other; he's been smitten by her since they first met.
I'm afraid I'm going to be a wreck when their moving day comes, and I want to be able to let them go gracefully. Help.
Shorty has expressed what I would say, it’s ok to say you will miss him and her, with all that goes with it - using the navigational beacons of your relationship for venting to him or others as needed. (Gold Star for venting some here!) Would it be too weird to visit them within the first year? Host them for a future visit to your area?
How much do you connect over smartphones? That might remain a connection point.
posted by childofTethys at 7:31 PM on January 15, 2018
How much do you connect over smartphones? That might remain a connection point.
posted by childofTethys at 7:31 PM on January 15, 2018
I just did this two years ago. She's my best friend, we had known each other for 13 years at that point, and lived together for 9 of them. It's hard, but here's what got us through it:
1) It's ok to say it's going to suck (as others have said)
2) Remember that it's going to suck worse for him -- you still have your life here, he's starting a whole new one
3) But be excited for him and those new opportunities!
4) Yes, make plans to visit (and vice versa). In my case, my friend was getting married where I was, so I knew she'd be back plenty in the first year, and we did her bachelorette party near her.
5) Lots of email and as much video chatting as you can manage (if you have the type of relationship where you're constantly sharing stuff)
6) Be understanding when he's busy -- starting in a new place takes time and energy, and he may not email or text you back right away.
7) Find new activities and new friends (or spend more time with your not-as-dear friends).
Do you have another close friend or SO who can be your shoulder to cry on when they do leave? I'm tearing up just thinking about it, but I would have been a complete disaster if I hadn't had my then-boyfriend-now-husband around to help me cope.
posted by natabat at 7:38 PM on January 15, 2018
1) It's ok to say it's going to suck (as others have said)
2) Remember that it's going to suck worse for him -- you still have your life here, he's starting a whole new one
3) But be excited for him and those new opportunities!
4) Yes, make plans to visit (and vice versa). In my case, my friend was getting married where I was, so I knew she'd be back plenty in the first year, and we did her bachelorette party near her.
5) Lots of email and as much video chatting as you can manage (if you have the type of relationship where you're constantly sharing stuff)
6) Be understanding when he's busy -- starting in a new place takes time and energy, and he may not email or text you back right away.
7) Find new activities and new friends (or spend more time with your not-as-dear friends).
Do you have another close friend or SO who can be your shoulder to cry on when they do leave? I'm tearing up just thinking about it, but I would have been a complete disaster if I hadn't had my then-boyfriend-now-husband around to help me cope.
posted by natabat at 7:38 PM on January 15, 2018
Since moving is a stressful time, could you send him a care package for when he's settling into his new place?
posted by Eevee at 9:22 PM on January 15, 2018
posted by Eevee at 9:22 PM on January 15, 2018
2) Remember that it's going to suck worse for him -- you still have your life here, he's starting a whole new one
Please keep this in mind. One of my favorite humans is currently relocating 2,400 miles away (due to his husband changing jobs) and he keeps having coffee dates with friends who cry and tell him how much they're going to miss him, and while he understands, he's been expressing frustration to me, because he has a ton of shit to get done plus his own uncertainty about the move, and doesn't have the brain space to help other people cope with their emotions right now.
My advice is: ask how you can help with the process, because they are going to need help. Maybe it's watching their dog while they pack. Maybe it's being the person who collects their mail after they're gone. Some small gesture to make their life easier. And make a plan, now, for your first visit. Lock in that date and buy the ticket, so you have something to look forward to.
posted by roger ackroyd at 12:10 PM on January 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
Please keep this in mind. One of my favorite humans is currently relocating 2,400 miles away (due to his husband changing jobs) and he keeps having coffee dates with friends who cry and tell him how much they're going to miss him, and while he understands, he's been expressing frustration to me, because he has a ton of shit to get done plus his own uncertainty about the move, and doesn't have the brain space to help other people cope with their emotions right now.
My advice is: ask how you can help with the process, because they are going to need help. Maybe it's watching their dog while they pack. Maybe it's being the person who collects their mail after they're gone. Some small gesture to make their life easier. And make a plan, now, for your first visit. Lock in that date and buy the ticket, so you have something to look forward to.
posted by roger ackroyd at 12:10 PM on January 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
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I think it's okay to say how excited for them you are, but that it sucks that they are moving, too. It's okay if you are a blubbering mess when they move if that's how you feel! I think good friends are capable of seeing that emotion in you but also knowing that you are happy for them with the growth the change can mean.
posted by shortyJBot at 7:12 PM on January 15, 2018 [6 favorites]