Sociability v. privacy

January 7, 2018 6:52 PM

I don't know if introducing myself would be awkward.

A highly placed/visible official is also in a private (actually, I believe it's a secret) internet group with me. I am in the same corporation but much, much lower on the food chain. The group gathers socially about 4 times a year. Recently, this person posted some very personal detail. I attended my first gathering this week. I could not figure out which would be more awkward -- introducing myself or not introducing myself. Hi, I work where you do. I opted for not introducing myself. Now I feel as if I should have. The group is blood-sworn (so to speak) secrecy, by the way. Nothing on there leaves, and I personally take that seriously.

posted by Rumi'sLeftSock to Human Relations (16 answers total)

No, don't introduce yourself. That's bringing in something that doesn't seem relevant and may cause this person to stress out about their privacy.
posted by JenMarie at 6:59 PM on January 7, 2018 [10 favorites]

If you want to demonstrate how seriously you take secrecy in the group, do not introduce yourself. That would be taking advantage of the details you have learned in this group.
posted by RainyJay at 7:13 PM on January 7, 2018 [11 favorites]

I think it could go either way how he reacts. As a general life rule, though, if I'm not sure whether or not I should do something, I don't do it. You can always introduce yourself later, but you can't ever undo it once it's done.
posted by something something at 7:24 PM on January 7, 2018 [7 favorites]

Response by poster: Lots of these people do know each other by name (it's secret not anonymous) I am probably one of the more recent joins.
posted by Rumi'sLeftSock at 7:27 PM on January 7, 2018

Response by poster: I do appreciate you validating my gut feeling on this.
posted by Rumi'sLeftSock at 7:28 PM on January 7, 2018

Well, if you're in the same super-secret group, shouldn't you just be able to introduce yourself as another member of the super-secret group who is attending the gathering, without even having the workplace thing be relevant?

Not saying this is AA, I'm just using it as an example: If my CEO showed up at my AA meeting, I could just say "hi, I'm mccxiii, nice to meet you, welcome to the meeting" and I don't also have to say "I work in your building and I know where you park."

For what purpose do you wish to introduce yourself?

Also, fair warning ... "secret" and "the Internet" don't always work together, so just bear that in mind.
posted by mccxxiii at 7:33 PM on January 7, 2018 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: mccxxiii: I know what you mean. More like a postcard. Still I thought it was important context.
posted by Rumi'sLeftSock at 7:50 PM on January 7, 2018

I'm not sure I agree with the opposing viewpoint, but the opposing viewpoint would be that by giving this man a heads-up that there's someone from his workplace in the group, he could use that information in deciding how much to share in the group. By withholding that information, you're potentially putting him in a situation where he's shared more personal information than he would be comfortable sharing with a co-worker.

I think it depends on the nature of the group, and how "private/secret" it really is. AA, for example, has really strong norms about not sharing, and in a 12-step setting like that, I wouldn't say anything, because I would be comfortable assuming that the higher-up would be able to trust that I wouldn't share his personal information. If this group's norms are that explicitly strong, great. If they're not, however, I think it gets trickier. It's also tricky because he's really the one with organizational power over you, to some extent; if he were the one asking the question, I'd probably advise him to give you a heads-up somehow.

I'm not sure what I'd do, but I don't think it's an easy answer either way. It may be worth thinking through the worst-case scenarios in multiple directions.
posted by lazuli at 7:53 PM on January 7, 2018 [1 favorite]

Ask the list. In a general policy way, no names or anything.
posted by rhizome at 8:52 PM on January 7, 2018 [1 favorite]

By contrast to others here- I think if I were that guy, I might appreciate a private message (like on the online Group platform) saying something like "Hi, I'm Rumi. I work at Widgetland too, and I'm in The Group. I take confidentiality very seriously and would never mention anything from the group to others or in the real world; I also thought it was probably good to let you know I was here, just in case that affects your comfort in any way. I am honoured to be a part of this group."

And then, if you feel comfortable, also share something a little vulnerable in the group (doesn't have to be as intense as what he shared), just so he feels safe.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:59 PM on January 7, 2018 [10 favorites]

I agree with pseudostrabismus. I'm in such a FB group and even though secrecy is the order of the day, it would be good to know if one of the other participants were in the same company. I also like the script.

Particularly if the other person is C suite, they will be very cautious about what they post publicly, so you would be doing them a solid with a small heads up.
posted by frumiousb at 10:03 PM on January 7, 2018 [6 favorites]

I’m an ethicist and in research etc it’s a big deal that people are given all material information before making decisions about whether and how they participate, especially when their privacy is at stake. Material information in this case would include knowing about any risk to their personal and professional reputation. However, since they’ve voluntarily joined a group where they know that they don’t know who the other people are, and that they might cross paths with someone from work, they’ve also decided that they’re willing to take this risk.

Personally, if this is serious private stuff (Eg a sex or health issue v. we all love baking), I would discreetly let them know if you can privately message them, so that one of you can leave the group or at least edit what is disclosed. It’s up to you, either decision is defensible but I’d want to know if someone from work was there, regardless of them being senior or junior to me.
posted by stellathon at 12:29 AM on January 8, 2018 [1 favorite]

The nature of the group matters. I am in a secret group on Facebook that deals with feminist issues in my industry. I believe highly-placed people at my company would probably appreciate me letting them know I was in the group so they know they have an ally at work. But if it were a group about, oh, I don’t know—let’s say dealing with mental health issues? They would probably feel weird being approached, especially after sharing those sensitive details. It sounds like your gut is telling you not to say anything though. I would go with your gut.
posted by lieber hair at 1:22 AM on January 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

"Hi, I'm Rumi. I work at Widgetland too, and I'm in The Group. I take confidentiality very seriously and would never mention anything from the group to others or in the real world; I also thought it was probably good to let you know I was here, just in case that affects your comfort in any way. I am honoured to be a part of this group."

Maybe it's just that I'm extremely paranoid but I'd honestly read this as a veiled threat and I'd be very worried. I vote for not saying anything.
posted by winna at 5:21 AM on January 8, 2018 [3 favorites]

What you can do is make a mention in the group on the internet that you work at the company. Unless you fear that information will harm you, you can let the other person know this way. Don't mention the fact that anyone else in the group also works for the company. Don't mention that you know who the other person is. They can deduce it.

Body language to tell them you are safe when meeting in person is breaking initial brief eye contact with a nod, a faint smile and dropping your own eyes. This indicates, yep, I agree/am an ally and I am submissive/not aggressive. Use no words. The message you are trying to get across is that you know, but will never speak of, or act on that knowledge especially amid others unless they take the initiative.

If it does come up as conversation, rather than saying "I will never betray you," which is a negative, use the positive language "We will both keep secret our common membership in the group." Say what you will do, rather than what you won't do.

Consider also if you might possibly have been recruited into the group by your higher-up, who might have carefully searched all the people whose e-mails or fb's they could look up on line for signs of kink/gaming/political leaning. They may not already know, but might be mentoring you!
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:43 AM on January 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

Secret is secret, so I would take that seriously. I don’t think “I know where your office is” telegraphs “your secret is safe with me.” It’s his risk whether he wants to share personal details with unvetted people.

Does he assign you work, determine your compensation, can he fire or hire you?
posted by kapers at 4:52 PM on January 8, 2018