Need to change the co-parenting schedule for 7 & 13yo, but to what?
January 6, 2018 1:05 AM Subscribe
I'm looking for examples and opinions of co-parenting schedules, especially the pros/cons and effects on your kids.
My kids have a visitation schedule that's too complicated. They see Dad for a half day and three nights during one week, then the next week they see him for a half day and one night. They're with me the rest of the time. This worked when they were younger and more portable/less sentient.
In practice this means they're with me all week except for one evening, then the next week one child is with me every other day and then with Dad every other day. They've both expressed frustration with this arrangement, wanting less disruption and more time 'at home' (mine), though they like time apart from each other and being the sole focus of a parent's attention.
Things to consider: Dad gets along well with older child. However, Dad doesn't have a good relationship with younger child, and she would spend all her time at my house if she could. So far I've told her it's important to maintain a relationship with Dad because I may not always be the parent she wants to talk to about tough stuff. However, Dad's relationship with her echos his high-conflict relationship with me while together, and I'm sympathetic to her desire to reduce time with him. At what age does she get to define her own schedule, or under what circumstances?
Some friends use a week with Mom/week with Dad schedule, but their kids are older. Bumping my youngest to a full week away from the primary home/parent, to one she's ambivalent about, feels like a significant change.
I'm looking for scheduling ideas that...
- streamline the time with each parent so kids aren't going back and forth so much
- takes into account age or circumstances at which a child can choose where s/he will be
- doesn't take my 7yo 'away from home' for an entire week
- maintains my role as primary parent
- might include time for siblings apart from each other
There must be some models out there that work well for the kids and take into account some of these things. // Throwaway email at fduvzbtlfjbcj4ymcs@gmail.com
My kids have a visitation schedule that's too complicated. They see Dad for a half day and three nights during one week, then the next week they see him for a half day and one night. They're with me the rest of the time. This worked when they were younger and more portable/less sentient.
In practice this means they're with me all week except for one evening, then the next week one child is with me every other day and then with Dad every other day. They've both expressed frustration with this arrangement, wanting less disruption and more time 'at home' (mine), though they like time apart from each other and being the sole focus of a parent's attention.
Things to consider: Dad gets along well with older child. However, Dad doesn't have a good relationship with younger child, and she would spend all her time at my house if she could. So far I've told her it's important to maintain a relationship with Dad because I may not always be the parent she wants to talk to about tough stuff. However, Dad's relationship with her echos his high-conflict relationship with me while together, and I'm sympathetic to her desire to reduce time with him. At what age does she get to define her own schedule, or under what circumstances?
Some friends use a week with Mom/week with Dad schedule, but their kids are older. Bumping my youngest to a full week away from the primary home/parent, to one she's ambivalent about, feels like a significant change.
I'm looking for scheduling ideas that...
- streamline the time with each parent so kids aren't going back and forth so much
- takes into account age or circumstances at which a child can choose where s/he will be
- doesn't take my 7yo 'away from home' for an entire week
- maintains my role as primary parent
- might include time for siblings apart from each other
There must be some models out there that work well for the kids and take into account some of these things. // Throwaway email at fduvzbtlfjbcj4ymcs@gmail.com
My child is 11 and I am the primary parent. This is year 2 of coparenting. We live a 10 minute drive from dad.
Surprisingly, my child favours frequent transitions, if she stays in the same place at night. Dad gets Tuesday Thursday after school until 8 pm, overnight every other weekend. He also gets pro-d days. You can minimize the 7 year olds time with him in this arrangement by having extracurricular activities, day camps, etc during dads time.
At age 11 my daughter has significant input into the parenting arrangement. As we are early, it’s structured as a feedback loop. I make a firm schedule with dad and commit to it for 3 or 6 months. Then we go to a parenting coach, I give my daughters feedback and suggestion to the coach and dad, then we iterate. This method has worked well in dialing down drama and getting dad to agree to reduced time. The child is also ok with the plan when it is locked, because she knows how to give her opinion and affect change next time.
posted by crazycanuck at 8:26 AM on January 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
Surprisingly, my child favours frequent transitions, if she stays in the same place at night. Dad gets Tuesday Thursday after school until 8 pm, overnight every other weekend. He also gets pro-d days. You can minimize the 7 year olds time with him in this arrangement by having extracurricular activities, day camps, etc during dads time.
At age 11 my daughter has significant input into the parenting arrangement. As we are early, it’s structured as a feedback loop. I make a firm schedule with dad and commit to it for 3 or 6 months. Then we go to a parenting coach, I give my daughters feedback and suggestion to the coach and dad, then we iterate. This method has worked well in dialing down drama and getting dad to agree to reduced time. The child is also ok with the plan when it is locked, because she knows how to give her opinion and affect change next time.
posted by crazycanuck at 8:26 AM on January 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
Is it possible for one/both of them to stay with dad on a regular week night, have him do school drop off the next day? ie. Tuesday nights are with dad, and every other Friday night til Saturday at 5pm? Only having them sleep over on weekend nights, limits the possibilities here.
posted by walkinginsunshine at 10:06 AM on January 6, 2018
posted by walkinginsunshine at 10:06 AM on January 6, 2018
“High-conflict” is a fairly worrying description of a parenting style, especially for a seven-year-old. I would be reluctant to cajole a child into accepting such a situation — have you discussed her reasons for wanting to be solely with you?
posted by bonaldi at 12:17 PM on January 6, 2018
posted by bonaldi at 12:17 PM on January 6, 2018
This may be a good question for Chumplady, who has a huge following of divorced people with complicated lives, and children bouncing from one parent to the other. I think you will get lots of variations on schedules and so-on there.
Caveat- the site is aimed at people who have been cheated on. Still, these ex-spouses somehow manage.
posted by Enid Lareg at 7:27 PM on January 6, 2018
Caveat- the site is aimed at people who have been cheated on. Still, these ex-spouses somehow manage.
posted by Enid Lareg at 7:27 PM on January 6, 2018
My ex and I split custody in half; one week on and one week off. To give each kid some one-on-one time, one kid transitions on Fridays and one on Saturdays.
It sounds like that wouldn't work for your family. How about talking with them about how much time they would like with their father in a two week period, and condensing it so it's all at once? So your older might choose to spend nine days with you and then five with father; your younger, every second weekend with her father.
If their father objects to those stretches without seeing them, maybe it would work for them to see him at other times just for dinner? That may make it feel like an outing from "home" rather than a transition.
I know people who regularly have their ex over to their house to hang out with kids where their kids feel at home. That wouldn't work for me, but if it would for you, it's something to consider in the mix.
I would give kids a lot of say over where they spend their time at any age, but in the absence of abuse, I would not allow them to completely end time with either parent until 16.
posted by metasarah at 7:21 AM on January 7, 2018
It sounds like that wouldn't work for your family. How about talking with them about how much time they would like with their father in a two week period, and condensing it so it's all at once? So your older might choose to spend nine days with you and then five with father; your younger, every second weekend with her father.
If their father objects to those stretches without seeing them, maybe it would work for them to see him at other times just for dinner? That may make it feel like an outing from "home" rather than a transition.
I know people who regularly have their ex over to their house to hang out with kids where their kids feel at home. That wouldn't work for me, but if it would for you, it's something to consider in the mix.
I would give kids a lot of say over where they spend their time at any age, but in the absence of abuse, I would not allow them to completely end time with either parent until 16.
posted by metasarah at 7:21 AM on January 7, 2018
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Your older one sounds good with more time with dad like every other week but at that age should be asked for their ideas. For me 16 is when it’s totally their choice to see their dad/mom or not.
posted by SyraCarol at 6:52 AM on January 6, 2018 [2 favorites]