I need help to change my life (again), while not repeating my mistakes.
January 1, 2018 11:51 PM Subscribe
How do I guard against repeating the same mistakes over and over and over, etc., all the while knowing many of the issues that contributed to my bad decisions remain emotionally unresolved?
Dear Mefites,
Quite a few years ago I started seeing a therapist for worsening anxiety and depression, much of it (I suspect) stemming from a combination of childhood abuse / neglect. She helped somewhat, but I had to stop therapy because of the expense. (I’ve since tried a few cheaper options but none have worked out, i.e. they’ve been so incompetent it would be funny if I weren’t in need of actual help).
In the years that led up to and followed therapy— a context of emotional and material destitution— I went back to study Nursing after having completed a phd in an unrelated field because I was only able to find sporadic employment.
Problem 1: I now find myself in secure employment that I loath, where it is not uncommon to be infantalized, verbally abused, and even threatened at work. Management pay lip service to not accepting this, but put measures in place indicating it is well known and widely tolerated. But aside from these structural issues, I’m just not suited to nursing.
Problem 2: I am also plagued by the lurking knowledge that I haven’t seen the therapy through, and this is compounded by the fact that I recently exited a relationship with a woman who was relentlessly critical, belittling, reactive, manipulative (behaviour that mirrors childhood relationship with parent).
I am thinking of returning to study to embark on a career path that is more suitable to me, my skills and my passions (writing/editing/analysis). Am I just repeating my mistakes here, thinking more study might resolve a problem that actually lies within?
I’m also seeking new love/romance/relationship, yet I could not bear to choose another woman who resembles my crappy parental figures. I’m queer, btw.
How do I guard against repeating the same mistakes over and over and over, etc., all the while knowing many of the issues that contributed to my bad decisions remain emotionally unresolved?
Thank you so much for taking the time to consider my dilemma. Your wisdom is eagerly awaited!
Dear Mefites,
Quite a few years ago I started seeing a therapist for worsening anxiety and depression, much of it (I suspect) stemming from a combination of childhood abuse / neglect. She helped somewhat, but I had to stop therapy because of the expense. (I’ve since tried a few cheaper options but none have worked out, i.e. they’ve been so incompetent it would be funny if I weren’t in need of actual help).
In the years that led up to and followed therapy— a context of emotional and material destitution— I went back to study Nursing after having completed a phd in an unrelated field because I was only able to find sporadic employment.
Problem 1: I now find myself in secure employment that I loath, where it is not uncommon to be infantalized, verbally abused, and even threatened at work. Management pay lip service to not accepting this, but put measures in place indicating it is well known and widely tolerated. But aside from these structural issues, I’m just not suited to nursing.
Problem 2: I am also plagued by the lurking knowledge that I haven’t seen the therapy through, and this is compounded by the fact that I recently exited a relationship with a woman who was relentlessly critical, belittling, reactive, manipulative (behaviour that mirrors childhood relationship with parent).
I am thinking of returning to study to embark on a career path that is more suitable to me, my skills and my passions (writing/editing/analysis). Am I just repeating my mistakes here, thinking more study might resolve a problem that actually lies within?
I’m also seeking new love/romance/relationship, yet I could not bear to choose another woman who resembles my crappy parental figures. I’m queer, btw.
How do I guard against repeating the same mistakes over and over and over, etc., all the while knowing many of the issues that contributed to my bad decisions remain emotionally unresolved?
Thank you so much for taking the time to consider my dilemma. Your wisdom is eagerly awaited!
Nursing is a field where there is such a wide variety of positions that I believe that you would be able to find something more in line with your interests if you look. For example, my mother was an RN, got her BSN and then worked as a benefits analyst in an office building, far, far away from actual patients. There are nurses who do technical writing. There are nurses who work in occupational health and safety. The list is really endless. Are you sure you’re not doing school (I mean, you’ve done a LOT of school.) to avoid doing life?
The above poster is wise to advise you to tackle one issue at a time. Work sounds like the place to start.
posted by PorcineWithMe at 5:25 AM on January 2, 2018 [8 favorites]
The above poster is wise to advise you to tackle one issue at a time. Work sounds like the place to start.
posted by PorcineWithMe at 5:25 AM on January 2, 2018 [8 favorites]
Expanding on the above response, an old friend of mine who was a nurse for many years went back to work (after having kids) as a proofreader of medical texts. She loved it - it was challenging, doable due to her field knowledge, fairly well paid, and she could work to her own timetable. You don't need another qualification for that, just a training course (maybe like this one).
I also agree that one thing at a time would be a good plan. The issues you've raised include your mental health, your job, and after your list, you also mention your wish to have a relationship. If you choose to tackle the job situation first, you might then decide to spend some of your new wages on therapy, and once you're properly seeing progress with that, you'll be in a MUCH better place to have a successful relationship. If you look for one while you're still unhappy in yourself, you may end up getting together with someone who "fills the space" rather than someone who you genuinely love and admire.
Good luck - it sounds like you have been through a really difficult time. Congratulations on coming out of the worst of it, and I hope you find smoother sailing soon!
posted by greenish at 5:26 AM on January 2, 2018
I also agree that one thing at a time would be a good plan. The issues you've raised include your mental health, your job, and after your list, you also mention your wish to have a relationship. If you choose to tackle the job situation first, you might then decide to spend some of your new wages on therapy, and once you're properly seeing progress with that, you'll be in a MUCH better place to have a successful relationship. If you look for one while you're still unhappy in yourself, you may end up getting together with someone who "fills the space" rather than someone who you genuinely love and admire.
Good luck - it sounds like you have been through a really difficult time. Congratulations on coming out of the worst of it, and I hope you find smoother sailing soon!
posted by greenish at 5:26 AM on January 2, 2018
I feel for you. It can be really tough to break patterns - consciously and subconsciously - but the thing you should be congratulating yourself on is that fact that you're asking all the right questions. And you already know the answers, deep down - you just need to trust yourself more. And be kinder to yourself.
Problem 1: Can you parlay your nursing skills into a job or lifestyle that's more palatable to you? Rather than throwing up the whole thing as a bad lot, can you identify the elements of the job that drew you to the profession in the first place and combine those with greater opportunity (either in a work or personal capacity) to develop your writing / editing / analysis skills?
So perhaps looking for nursing opportunities where your work is more self-directed, so you're out from under the thumb of those that infantalise? Or that minimises the hours on the job, so you have a better work/life balance and additional time to devote to study or personal development? As you have writing skills, I can imagine you might find work as a health-related copywriter or editor, perhaps online. Or maybe as a technical writer, in a health related field? Or, if your interest in writing is more creative, perhaps parlaying the intense experiences you accumulate in the job of nursing into your writing practice, such as with this Meta-recommended blog from an ICU nurse?
Problem 2: Is money still the factor stopping you from continuing your therapeutic journey? If you have a steady job, albeit one that you're chafing at currently, can you scrape together the cash you need to see a therapist again? If not, you could do worse than get some immediate support at 7 Cups of Tea.
Group psychodynamic therapy was absolutely life-changing for me - super effective and about 2/3 cheaper than individual therapy. If there's a group near you, I highly highly recommend it. And yes, you are important and you deserve good mental health treatment and proper support, so please don't use "the money" as an excuse to deny yourself unless it's a matter of food and shelter. (I might be extrapolating too much here from my own therapy-delaying excuses, so apologies if so!)
Can I suggest holding off on dating until you're on a more even keel? I'm not saying forever, but just until you get to a space where you have less on your plate emotionally. Maybe give yourself a few months to be really really super nice to yourself, without consideration for anyone else?
Lastly, your decisions might not necessarily have been bad ones, maybe you just needed to return to certain situations to learn more about what you don't want in your life? About how to identify those red flags? I've been on some interesting journeys and struggled a lot, but I feel like I gained so many lessons en route.
Portia Nelson says it:
“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.”
posted by doornoise at 5:30 AM on January 2, 2018 [7 favorites]
Problem 1: Can you parlay your nursing skills into a job or lifestyle that's more palatable to you? Rather than throwing up the whole thing as a bad lot, can you identify the elements of the job that drew you to the profession in the first place and combine those with greater opportunity (either in a work or personal capacity) to develop your writing / editing / analysis skills?
So perhaps looking for nursing opportunities where your work is more self-directed, so you're out from under the thumb of those that infantalise? Or that minimises the hours on the job, so you have a better work/life balance and additional time to devote to study or personal development? As you have writing skills, I can imagine you might find work as a health-related copywriter or editor, perhaps online. Or maybe as a technical writer, in a health related field? Or, if your interest in writing is more creative, perhaps parlaying the intense experiences you accumulate in the job of nursing into your writing practice, such as with this Meta-recommended blog from an ICU nurse?
Problem 2: Is money still the factor stopping you from continuing your therapeutic journey? If you have a steady job, albeit one that you're chafing at currently, can you scrape together the cash you need to see a therapist again? If not, you could do worse than get some immediate support at 7 Cups of Tea.
Group psychodynamic therapy was absolutely life-changing for me - super effective and about 2/3 cheaper than individual therapy. If there's a group near you, I highly highly recommend it. And yes, you are important and you deserve good mental health treatment and proper support, so please don't use "the money" as an excuse to deny yourself unless it's a matter of food and shelter. (I might be extrapolating too much here from my own therapy-delaying excuses, so apologies if so!)
Can I suggest holding off on dating until you're on a more even keel? I'm not saying forever, but just until you get to a space where you have less on your plate emotionally. Maybe give yourself a few months to be really really super nice to yourself, without consideration for anyone else?
Lastly, your decisions might not necessarily have been bad ones, maybe you just needed to return to certain situations to learn more about what you don't want in your life? About how to identify those red flags? I've been on some interesting journeys and struggled a lot, but I feel like I gained so many lessons en route.
Portia Nelson says it:
“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.”
posted by doornoise at 5:30 AM on January 2, 2018 [7 favorites]
Kindly and with true empathy, take what's yours here, but leave the rest. There are the choices that we make for ourselves, and then there are the choices that are thrust upon us by others. Guess which one you are in control of?
For an example from my own book, I was in an abusive relationship, and I wanted to die. I didn't know who I was anymore. I was in misery. I was asking an abuser to be a non-abuser. I might as well have asked a crocodile to be a teddy bear. But at the very end of the day, I was choosing this motherf*cker, on a daily basis.Taking ownership of my (terrible, almost fatal) choice was painful on a bunch of levels. But it was also empowering by its very nature. I chose this. I can choose something different. I have agency. I am not a leaf in the wind.
You might never, ever get closure, or an apology, or made whole for being neglected and abused...and that is very, very painful. It really feels like you weren't "worth it" for them to act right. But that was never true, you've always been worth it. You need a double dose of support for that shit, but you'll have to give it to yourself here. This is inside work.
To avoid as many bad decisions as possible, I always suggest to know yourself, really well. Your personal boundaries can't be suggestions, they have to be rules. You don't have to prove to the world that you are a nice person by tolerating bullshit. Own your own crap, as well. Like, own the hell out of it. It's like a fire that burns you up, but you become the Phoenix. People rebuild their lives from the rubble every day of the week. Make yourself important to yourself, Anon. The rest of the people will follow suit or fall away.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 2:27 PM on January 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
For an example from my own book, I was in an abusive relationship, and I wanted to die. I didn't know who I was anymore. I was in misery. I was asking an abuser to be a non-abuser. I might as well have asked a crocodile to be a teddy bear. But at the very end of the day, I was choosing this motherf*cker, on a daily basis.Taking ownership of my (terrible, almost fatal) choice was painful on a bunch of levels. But it was also empowering by its very nature. I chose this. I can choose something different. I have agency. I am not a leaf in the wind.
You might never, ever get closure, or an apology, or made whole for being neglected and abused...and that is very, very painful. It really feels like you weren't "worth it" for them to act right. But that was never true, you've always been worth it. You need a double dose of support for that shit, but you'll have to give it to yourself here. This is inside work.
To avoid as many bad decisions as possible, I always suggest to know yourself, really well. Your personal boundaries can't be suggestions, they have to be rules. You don't have to prove to the world that you are a nice person by tolerating bullshit. Own your own crap, as well. Like, own the hell out of it. It's like a fire that burns you up, but you become the Phoenix. People rebuild their lives from the rubble every day of the week. Make yourself important to yourself, Anon. The rest of the people will follow suit or fall away.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 2:27 PM on January 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
In the medium term, it does not follow, that you need to study more to do writing, editing or analysis. What is stopping you from seeking employment more in line with these skills now? I am sure there are also non patient facing roles in the medical field that would be suited to somebody who prefers to use writing or analytical skills but understands medical jargon for example. Identify those roles and seek them. It may take a while but my feeling is that anybody who already holds a PhD and a nursing qualification is not going to get more employable by more study. The only exception here would be if you had discovered your true calling is actuarial analysis, ie something very specific with very specific technical training requirements.
posted by koahiatamadl at 5:10 AM on January 2, 2018 [4 favorites]