Should I stay or should I go ASAP - one year later, still unsure.
October 27, 2017 6:19 PM Subscribe
During the past 12 months I kept a LDR with my boyfriend of almost 3 years while pursuing my career in a city 2 hours away from him. Now I should decide whether to come back and move in with him. Still not sure due to his behavior. Please help me decide – at this point I don‘t know if my relationship expectations are unrealistic (F, 26).
Me and my byofriend of almost 3 years have some issues that I asked about here last year. Some of the people on MeFi suggested that I end the relationship and we actually did break up for a short time but somehow got back and managed to stay together over the past year while I worked in the capital 2 hours away from him and we saw each other over the weekends. I though if we both work on this relationship then it could all turn out fine.
Now the time has come for me to decide whether to come back to live with my boyfriend. And I just can't decide. And I feel like a really awful person because of this. Let me explain why.
To me it seems like my boyfriend has 2 sides - one that I love and one that I cannot stand. And for the past year I have been somewhere between "I think we might get married one day" and "I want to end this right now". I actually think about this every single day. For about a year now I keep asking myself "Is this right?" and this indecisiveness is driving me crazy. I keep thinking about whether staying in this relationship is the right thing to do almost all the time. Even my colleagues at work noticed that I've been looking worried at work lately. At times I feel like we should end it just so I don't have to think about this anymore.
At the same time I know that this is so unfair to my boyfriend. He has waited for me during this year while I pursued my career. And I would have liked to move in with him if it weren't for some things he keeps doing that really worry me.
For example, one weekend he came to visit me and we were just hanging out in the park when a girl came to us telling me that a casting for a historical movie is taking place this weekend and that they are looking for young people for a big crowd scene and whether I would like to sign up. I already knew that this movie was about to be shot in my city and that the casting was underway, so I said sure, filled out the form, she called two of her colleagues and she took my picture and body measurements for the costumes. Well my boyfriend got super-angry because of this. After the casting people left he just got up and sat on a nearby bench where he just sulked and refused to tell me what's wrong. Then we went to a nearby restaurant, ordered some drinks and he just took out his laptop and bought a train ticket back to his town (he had just arrived a few hours ago). We actually went to the station where we sat for about an hour while I tried to get him to tell me what he got so mad about. Ugh. I get annoyed just thinking about this. Well he didn't leave that day after all and later told me that he thinks it was very "cheap" of me to sign up for that movie and have my picture and measurements taken (by a girl!). But I just don't see how this is wrong. I am actually very interested in the historical event that this movie is about to portray and would love to take part in it, even if it is just a crowd scene with 1,000 other people. So am I the weird one here? Is what I have done really that unacceptable? I don't even know at this point.
Another thing that worries me is that he would sometimes yell at me when he gets angry. For example, we went on a holiday this summer and we stayed in several airbnb places. One day we arrived at the place and he was unable to unlock the door from the apartment. The owners were out of town on that day so they couldn't meet us there and only sent e-mail instructions on how to get to the place and how stuff works in there etc. After struggling to unlock the door for some time I just suggested we look at the e-mail instructions again to see if there's some special way of opening the door. Mind you I said this calmly as a suggestion on how to deal with this problem. Well at this point he just flipped out at me and used some very rude words (not insulting me directly, but swearing "in general"). And something similar happened a few times during the 2-week vacation. After talking to him about this I found out he has this weird theory saying that I know very well that I should not talk to him when he's angry. WTF? I understand that it might be annoying but I would never yell or flip out at my partner no matter how angry I was just because he spoke to me. So am I right or is he? I am so confused about these things right now.
And he sometimes makes me feel so embarrassed. E.g. one day we were driving in the car through his town and a girl in a short skirt was walking down the street. And he shouted: “What a sl*t!“ (probably jokingly, I don’t know, but I’m so embarrassed just thinking about it). And the car windows were down a bit and so that girl heard it and turned around and I don‘t think I have ever been so embarrassed in my life.
Oh and yeah, I love wearing skirts and dresses but he hates it and says it looks „cheap“ and that it bothers him that other men can look at me. Jesus. Or we went to the beach and I was wearing a skirt with bikini underneath and just bent over to pick up something from my bag and he got angry because as he said my ass was showing. But who gives a damn about my ass in bikini on a beach full of half-naked people? I just don‘t get it.
If you read this then he might seem like a horrible person because I listed only the awful things about him. But the thing is that he is also caring, helpful, supportive and funny, etc. and I think that he does things that a lot of guys don‘t, e.g. he would take care of me when I was sick, he went with me to the emergency a few times at night, he would bring me my favourite food when I was studying for the final exam at the university, or he would send me flowers to work, or he likes to go on trips together etc. And he says that even though he is sulking or gets angry sometimes, he always returns to „normal“ sooner or later so it‘s not a big deal. For me it is and I have told him so but I don‘t think he‘s willing or able to change this.
My problem right now is that I‘m not sure if I have the right perception of what is normal anymore. Some things that seem completely OK to me are unacceptable to him and vice versa (e.g. he got mad when I went out for a short meeting with a good friend of mine from the university just because he‘s male; or he hates that I occasionally keep in touch with my ex via facebook, even though it‘s been years since we broke up and he lives on the other side of the continent and is in a serious relationship with another girl). And I don‘t think I have enough relationship experience to decide whether my boyfriend‘s behavior is justified or not. At the same time I know that nobody‘s perfect and every potential partner has some flaws that you at some point have to decide to accept if you want your relationship to survive. But I hate this unnecessary drama and would just like to have a normal relationship without all this jealousy and sulking and occassional embarrassment. On the other hand, I love the caring and funny side of my boyfriend and I honestly don‘t know right now if my relationship standards are too high or unrealistic and if in fact I should be thankful for having a partner who in most aspects treats me so well.
My friend (who knows about some of these issues that worry me) says that I act like women in abusive relationships who somehow deny that the things their partner does are wrong and who make excuses for their partner‘s behavior. But I thinks she‘s exagerrating. Or what do you think? Also, one of my best friends has been urging me to leave this guy and says that he wouldn‘t tolerate such behavior on a first date, let alone in an almost 3 year relationship. What should I do? Most of the time I think that there must be more to love than this, and at other times I worry that I want too much and that I have my flaws as well and that love is about acceptance and all this stuff. But I also think it‘s so selfish of me to try to make things work even though I‘m not sure about our relationship, because I‘m sure some other girl could be very happy with him without doubting the relationship all the time. Anyway, I feel like at 26 I should be able to decide these things easily, but I am actually more confused than ever. Please help. Thank you.
Me and my byofriend of almost 3 years have some issues that I asked about here last year. Some of the people on MeFi suggested that I end the relationship and we actually did break up for a short time but somehow got back and managed to stay together over the past year while I worked in the capital 2 hours away from him and we saw each other over the weekends. I though if we both work on this relationship then it could all turn out fine.
Now the time has come for me to decide whether to come back to live with my boyfriend. And I just can't decide. And I feel like a really awful person because of this. Let me explain why.
To me it seems like my boyfriend has 2 sides - one that I love and one that I cannot stand. And for the past year I have been somewhere between "I think we might get married one day" and "I want to end this right now". I actually think about this every single day. For about a year now I keep asking myself "Is this right?" and this indecisiveness is driving me crazy. I keep thinking about whether staying in this relationship is the right thing to do almost all the time. Even my colleagues at work noticed that I've been looking worried at work lately. At times I feel like we should end it just so I don't have to think about this anymore.
At the same time I know that this is so unfair to my boyfriend. He has waited for me during this year while I pursued my career. And I would have liked to move in with him if it weren't for some things he keeps doing that really worry me.
For example, one weekend he came to visit me and we were just hanging out in the park when a girl came to us telling me that a casting for a historical movie is taking place this weekend and that they are looking for young people for a big crowd scene and whether I would like to sign up. I already knew that this movie was about to be shot in my city and that the casting was underway, so I said sure, filled out the form, she called two of her colleagues and she took my picture and body measurements for the costumes. Well my boyfriend got super-angry because of this. After the casting people left he just got up and sat on a nearby bench where he just sulked and refused to tell me what's wrong. Then we went to a nearby restaurant, ordered some drinks and he just took out his laptop and bought a train ticket back to his town (he had just arrived a few hours ago). We actually went to the station where we sat for about an hour while I tried to get him to tell me what he got so mad about. Ugh. I get annoyed just thinking about this. Well he didn't leave that day after all and later told me that he thinks it was very "cheap" of me to sign up for that movie and have my picture and measurements taken (by a girl!). But I just don't see how this is wrong. I am actually very interested in the historical event that this movie is about to portray and would love to take part in it, even if it is just a crowd scene with 1,000 other people. So am I the weird one here? Is what I have done really that unacceptable? I don't even know at this point.
Another thing that worries me is that he would sometimes yell at me when he gets angry. For example, we went on a holiday this summer and we stayed in several airbnb places. One day we arrived at the place and he was unable to unlock the door from the apartment. The owners were out of town on that day so they couldn't meet us there and only sent e-mail instructions on how to get to the place and how stuff works in there etc. After struggling to unlock the door for some time I just suggested we look at the e-mail instructions again to see if there's some special way of opening the door. Mind you I said this calmly as a suggestion on how to deal with this problem. Well at this point he just flipped out at me and used some very rude words (not insulting me directly, but swearing "in general"). And something similar happened a few times during the 2-week vacation. After talking to him about this I found out he has this weird theory saying that I know very well that I should not talk to him when he's angry. WTF? I understand that it might be annoying but I would never yell or flip out at my partner no matter how angry I was just because he spoke to me. So am I right or is he? I am so confused about these things right now.
And he sometimes makes me feel so embarrassed. E.g. one day we were driving in the car through his town and a girl in a short skirt was walking down the street. And he shouted: “What a sl*t!“ (probably jokingly, I don’t know, but I’m so embarrassed just thinking about it). And the car windows were down a bit and so that girl heard it and turned around and I don‘t think I have ever been so embarrassed in my life.
Oh and yeah, I love wearing skirts and dresses but he hates it and says it looks „cheap“ and that it bothers him that other men can look at me. Jesus. Or we went to the beach and I was wearing a skirt with bikini underneath and just bent over to pick up something from my bag and he got angry because as he said my ass was showing. But who gives a damn about my ass in bikini on a beach full of half-naked people? I just don‘t get it.
If you read this then he might seem like a horrible person because I listed only the awful things about him. But the thing is that he is also caring, helpful, supportive and funny, etc. and I think that he does things that a lot of guys don‘t, e.g. he would take care of me when I was sick, he went with me to the emergency a few times at night, he would bring me my favourite food when I was studying for the final exam at the university, or he would send me flowers to work, or he likes to go on trips together etc. And he says that even though he is sulking or gets angry sometimes, he always returns to „normal“ sooner or later so it‘s not a big deal. For me it is and I have told him so but I don‘t think he‘s willing or able to change this.
My problem right now is that I‘m not sure if I have the right perception of what is normal anymore. Some things that seem completely OK to me are unacceptable to him and vice versa (e.g. he got mad when I went out for a short meeting with a good friend of mine from the university just because he‘s male; or he hates that I occasionally keep in touch with my ex via facebook, even though it‘s been years since we broke up and he lives on the other side of the continent and is in a serious relationship with another girl). And I don‘t think I have enough relationship experience to decide whether my boyfriend‘s behavior is justified or not. At the same time I know that nobody‘s perfect and every potential partner has some flaws that you at some point have to decide to accept if you want your relationship to survive. But I hate this unnecessary drama and would just like to have a normal relationship without all this jealousy and sulking and occassional embarrassment. On the other hand, I love the caring and funny side of my boyfriend and I honestly don‘t know right now if my relationship standards are too high or unrealistic and if in fact I should be thankful for having a partner who in most aspects treats me so well.
My friend (who knows about some of these issues that worry me) says that I act like women in abusive relationships who somehow deny that the things their partner does are wrong and who make excuses for their partner‘s behavior. But I thinks she‘s exagerrating. Or what do you think? Also, one of my best friends has been urging me to leave this guy and says that he wouldn‘t tolerate such behavior on a first date, let alone in an almost 3 year relationship. What should I do? Most of the time I think that there must be more to love than this, and at other times I worry that I want too much and that I have my flaws as well and that love is about acceptance and all this stuff. But I also think it‘s so selfish of me to try to make things work even though I‘m not sure about our relationship, because I‘m sure some other girl could be very happy with him without doubting the relationship all the time. Anyway, I feel like at 26 I should be able to decide these things easily, but I am actually more confused than ever. Please help. Thank you.
Yes DTMFA.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 6:26 PM on October 27, 2017 [34 favorites]
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 6:26 PM on October 27, 2017 [34 favorites]
Leave. Can you imagine raising kids with this guy? Shiver. Don’t commit to a controlling sulking baby.
posted by 41swans at 6:27 PM on October 27, 2017 [30 favorites]
posted by 41swans at 6:27 PM on October 27, 2017 [30 favorites]
NOPE. Abusive. Dump him ASAP.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 6:34 PM on October 27, 2017 [19 favorites]
posted by pseudostrabismus at 6:34 PM on October 27, 2017 [19 favorites]
Oh no. This guy doesn't sound like he's from this century. It sounds like his ideas about gender roles are way out of date, and he objectifies you and other people. Also, going to the emergency room with you and going on trips together are just normal—those are things normal guys do with their girlfriends. Neither is extraordinary; that's like baseline-level expectations for a relationship, right there, nothing to really write home about. Taking care of you when you're sick, sending you flowers, and bringing you your favorite food are nice, but they also could fall into the category of "grand gestures" if they follow these bad episodes. Grand gestures don't make up for his unpredictable, belittling behavior. It sounds like you're in danger of walking on eggshells around him to avoid triggering this bad behavior, since you don't know what will set it off, he won't talk about it when it's happening, and you only know that it'll end "sooner or later" each time.
Read this and see how it makes you feel as you consider your relationship. I'm having trouble imagining that a guy with such outdated ideas about gender roles would make a good, supportive partner for you and your career.
posted by limeonaire at 6:37 PM on October 27, 2017 [35 favorites]
Read this and see how it makes you feel as you consider your relationship. I'm having trouble imagining that a guy with such outdated ideas about gender roles would make a good, supportive partner for you and your career.
posted by limeonaire at 6:37 PM on October 27, 2017 [35 favorites]
Search through old AskMe answers for the phrase "poop milkshake". Just because he does nice things sometimes doesn't mean you want to take that kind of abuse.
posted by matildaben at 6:37 PM on October 27, 2017 [34 favorites]
posted by matildaben at 6:37 PM on October 27, 2017 [34 favorites]
I‘m sure some other girl could be very happy with him
You're wrong here. No one will ever be happy with him. Sometimes people tolerate being abused by men who think women are sluts and possessions, people get used to it, people get injured so badly by it that they stop feeling it. but nobody's really happy with it.
Some other woman could be trapped by him someday. but it doesn't have to be you.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:38 PM on October 27, 2017 [54 favorites]
You're wrong here. No one will ever be happy with him. Sometimes people tolerate being abused by men who think women are sluts and possessions, people get used to it, people get injured so badly by it that they stop feeling it. but nobody's really happy with it.
Some other woman could be trapped by him someday. but it doesn't have to be you.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:38 PM on October 27, 2017 [54 favorites]
This guy sucks and my blood is boiling just thinking about these scenarios you've outlined. Trust your gut. Dump him and find someone who doesn't treat women like objects to denigrate or to own.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 6:43 PM on October 27, 2017 [12 favorites]
posted by sevensnowflakes at 6:43 PM on October 27, 2017 [12 favorites]
If a friend were asking you this wouldn't you tell the friend she should find someone who doesn't make her feel embarrassed or ashamed of her choices? Sounds to me like deep down you want to leave him but you feel guilty because he has "waited for you" this year. Forget that. Date around for a while and you will see that you can find a man who does all the lovely things AND respects you enough to support your choices and freedom. That man is worth waiting for.
posted by ChristineSings at 6:45 PM on October 27, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by ChristineSings at 6:45 PM on October 27, 2017 [4 favorites]
He's sexually harassing women from his car on the street.
If you were walking down the street, and a man yelled "What a slut!" at you, would you want to date that man? Because that's the man you're dating. It just so happened that you were in the car with him instead of the one walking on the street.
But wait, he's already calling you a slut with how you dress or wanting to be an extra in a movie.
This is absolutely abusive and there are NO redeeming qualities to this person.
NONE:
I think that he does things that a lot of guys don‘t, e.g. he would take care of me when I was sick, he went with me to the emergency a few times at night, he would bring me my favourite food when I was studying for the final exam at the university, or he would send me flowers to work, or he likes to go on trips together etc.
These are BARE MINIMUM niceties for a relationship. Like OF FUCKING COURSE he should go the the ER with you. If you were an acquaintance who needed my help I would go to the ER with you.
I developed chronic illness and my husband had to pull a fucking plastic tube out of my stomach after surgery. ICK! Hell, I didn't even want to do it. He did it without even thinking twice, just calmly followed instructions and did it. And then he comforted me after. (And we laughed because woah boy was that weird feeling for both of us.)
You deserve someone who treats you as a respectful human and has equal respect for humans. He doesn't respect half of the population (women) so therefore he has no respect for you and is abusive. Run the fuck away.
posted by Crystalinne at 6:50 PM on October 27, 2017 [76 favorites]
If you were walking down the street, and a man yelled "What a slut!" at you, would you want to date that man? Because that's the man you're dating. It just so happened that you were in the car with him instead of the one walking on the street.
But wait, he's already calling you a slut with how you dress or wanting to be an extra in a movie.
This is absolutely abusive and there are NO redeeming qualities to this person.
NONE:
I think that he does things that a lot of guys don‘t, e.g. he would take care of me when I was sick, he went with me to the emergency a few times at night, he would bring me my favourite food when I was studying for the final exam at the university, or he would send me flowers to work, or he likes to go on trips together etc.
These are BARE MINIMUM niceties for a relationship. Like OF FUCKING COURSE he should go the the ER with you. If you were an acquaintance who needed my help I would go to the ER with you.
I developed chronic illness and my husband had to pull a fucking plastic tube out of my stomach after surgery. ICK! Hell, I didn't even want to do it. He did it without even thinking twice, just calmly followed instructions and did it. And then he comforted me after. (And we laughed because woah boy was that weird feeling for both of us.)
You deserve someone who treats you as a respectful human and has equal respect for humans. He doesn't respect half of the population (women) so therefore he has no respect for you and is abusive. Run the fuck away.
posted by Crystalinne at 6:50 PM on October 27, 2017 [76 favorites]
At the same time I know that nobody‘s perfect and every potential partner has some flaws
- he just sulked and refused to tell me what's wrong
- told me that he thinks it was very "cheap" of me to sign up for that movie and have my picture and measurements taken
- After talking to him about this I found out he has this weird theory saying that I know very well that I should not talk to him when he's angry.
- one day we were driving in the car through his town and a girl in a short skirt was walking down the street. And he shouted: “What a sl*t!“
- he got mad when I went out for a short meeting with a good friend of mine from the university just because he‘s male;
Flaws are, like, never puts socks in the hamper, or is grumpy if they have to socialize more than once or twice a week, or always buys the wrong flavor toothpaste. What your dude has are not flaws. They are huge danger signs. Please heed them.
posted by rtha at 6:51 PM on October 27, 2017 [67 favorites]
He's abusive, controlling, and sexually harasses women he doesn't know on the street. The things you list as things other men never do are literally things I've had friends do for me at times, as well as partners in even my crappiest relationships. Those are the baseline minimum, not anything special and don't let this guy convince you otherwise. Dump him as fast as possible.
posted by augustimagination at 6:59 PM on October 27, 2017 [17 favorites]
posted by augustimagination at 6:59 PM on October 27, 2017 [17 favorites]
I think that he does things that a lot of guys don‘t, e.g. he would take care of me when I was sick, he went with me to the emergency a few times at night, he would bring me my favourite food when I was studying for the final exam at the university, or he would send me flowers to work, or he likes to go on trips together etc.
OH MY GOD THIS IS LOWEST POSSIBLE BASELINE ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. Please break up with this guy and stay single a while until you get some time to do some therapy and self-esteem work. "My boyfriend is super abusive but took me to the emergency room so I should probably stay with him because I am unaware that's a thing even a passing acquaintance ought to do for someone and all humans deserve as much," isn't even a standard.
Any motherfucker can send flowers, it's literally effortless. Lots of people like going on trips, that is also quite a popular industry. It seems unlikely that you have any decent people around you if you think this is special or the best you could possibly deserve or somehow a truly redeeming quality in someone who is that horrible, so I think not only should you break up with him but also with everyone you know except that one friend who's very gently trying to point out you are being abused, and start fresh with a better class of people.
You are two breaths away from "well at least he doesn't hit me." You can do better. You deserve better.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:02 PM on October 27, 2017 [29 favorites]
OH MY GOD THIS IS LOWEST POSSIBLE BASELINE ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. Please break up with this guy and stay single a while until you get some time to do some therapy and self-esteem work. "My boyfriend is super abusive but took me to the emergency room so I should probably stay with him because I am unaware that's a thing even a passing acquaintance ought to do for someone and all humans deserve as much," isn't even a standard.
Any motherfucker can send flowers, it's literally effortless. Lots of people like going on trips, that is also quite a popular industry. It seems unlikely that you have any decent people around you if you think this is special or the best you could possibly deserve or somehow a truly redeeming quality in someone who is that horrible, so I think not only should you break up with him but also with everyone you know except that one friend who's very gently trying to point out you are being abused, and start fresh with a better class of people.
You are two breaths away from "well at least he doesn't hit me." You can do better. You deserve better.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:02 PM on October 27, 2017 [29 favorites]
From your previous AskMe from last summer:
"...there are some issues that I think could make staying together problematic (e. g. his way of dealing with relationship problems/arguments is completely different from mine - I like to address and deal with the issue right away, while he won't tell me, sometimes for days, what he's been mad about, which is really exhausting and seems immature to me; he's quite jealous; he snooped on my phone at least once, even though he knew that I'm absolutely against this kind of breach of privacy; I think he might still have a thing for his ex, and he hinted a few times that he was happier with her). "
He still can't communicate his feelings in an emotionally mature way. He's still jealous (and also controlling). He doesn't trust you and has invaded your privacy. He shames you for your clothing and your behaviour when you've done nothing unusual. He sexually harasses strangers in public. He has anger management problems and puts the blame on you when he is verbally abusive.
He is going to continue to be judgemental and controlling. Calling you cheap is just a slightly softer way of calling you a slut, the way he did to that stranger. He will continue to yell at you, and blame you for it. And this next bit is important: Typically men who behave like this eventually escalate to physical violence.
"But the thing is that he is also caring, helpful, supportive and funny, etc. and I think that he does things that a lot of guys don‘t, e.g. he would take care of me when I was sick, he went with me to the emergency a few times at night, he would bring me my favourite food when I was studying for the final exam at the university, or he would send me flowers to work, or he likes to go on trips together etc."
No, those are completely ordinary unexceptional things to do for a person you are in a relationship with. They do not make him special. Any man who is worth being in a relationship with will do those things for you. You do not have to put up with abusive behaviour to have those things.
posted by Secret Sparrow at 7:06 PM on October 27, 2017 [14 favorites]
"...there are some issues that I think could make staying together problematic (e. g. his way of dealing with relationship problems/arguments is completely different from mine - I like to address and deal with the issue right away, while he won't tell me, sometimes for days, what he's been mad about, which is really exhausting and seems immature to me; he's quite jealous; he snooped on my phone at least once, even though he knew that I'm absolutely against this kind of breach of privacy; I think he might still have a thing for his ex, and he hinted a few times that he was happier with her). "
He still can't communicate his feelings in an emotionally mature way. He's still jealous (and also controlling). He doesn't trust you and has invaded your privacy. He shames you for your clothing and your behaviour when you've done nothing unusual. He sexually harasses strangers in public. He has anger management problems and puts the blame on you when he is verbally abusive.
He is going to continue to be judgemental and controlling. Calling you cheap is just a slightly softer way of calling you a slut, the way he did to that stranger. He will continue to yell at you, and blame you for it. And this next bit is important: Typically men who behave like this eventually escalate to physical violence.
"But the thing is that he is also caring, helpful, supportive and funny, etc. and I think that he does things that a lot of guys don‘t, e.g. he would take care of me when I was sick, he went with me to the emergency a few times at night, he would bring me my favourite food when I was studying for the final exam at the university, or he would send me flowers to work, or he likes to go on trips together etc."
No, those are completely ordinary unexceptional things to do for a person you are in a relationship with. They do not make him special. Any man who is worth being in a relationship with will do those things for you. You do not have to put up with abusive behaviour to have those things.
posted by Secret Sparrow at 7:06 PM on October 27, 2017 [14 favorites]
I didn’t even get past the train station. God lord. DTMFA. I don’t even know you and yet I KNOW that you deserve better. Go love yourself for a while and recalibrate. This asshole has skewed your view of you.
posted by PorcineWithMe at 7:25 PM on October 27, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by PorcineWithMe at 7:25 PM on October 27, 2017 [10 favorites]
The things you describe are not acceptable at all. He's wrong about all of those behaviors. The things you describe as "caring, helpful, supportive and funny" are the bare minimum things to make someone worth knowing. If someone doesn't go with you to the emergency room, they aren't worth even knowing, let alone dating, and absolutely let alone planning a future with. You discount your value by putting up with someone abusing you this way. Please know that there are far, better human beings, and he does not deserve one more chance to yell at you, embarrass you, or push your buttons.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 7:25 PM on October 27, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 7:25 PM on October 27, 2017 [4 favorites]
I was barely part way through your question when I realized that you were in an abusive relationship. I'm really sorry. Leaving my abuser was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I had lots of questions like you did. Being in that relationship whittled me down and changed me to my very core. This is damaging. I am so sorry that you are experiencing it.
Best of luck. Leaving can be very dangerous, so please take care of yourself and be careful.
posted by sockermom at 7:27 PM on October 27, 2017 [14 favorites]
Best of luck. Leaving can be very dangerous, so please take care of yourself and be careful.
posted by sockermom at 7:27 PM on October 27, 2017 [14 favorites]
At the same time I know that this is so unfair to my boyfriend. He has waited for me during this year while I pursued my career. And I would have liked to move in with him if it weren't for some things he keeps doing that really worry me.
It is not unfair to your boyfriend. You don't owe him anything. Let me just repeat that because it sounds like you and I may be similar about some things: You do not owe your boyfriend a relationship. He, of course, will attempt to convince you otherwise but that's because he's a jerk. You are not some layaway bride purchased with time payments over the course of your long-distance relationship.
Also, your standards are way too low for a partner. No kidding, listen to what the folks above are saying. Did your parents maybe model unhealthy behaviour in the partnering department? Just a thought. Dump the lad and go learn about self-care so you don't settle for creeps in the future. (Also, not blaming you: Many of us settle for creeps and more than one of them over time.)
posted by Bella Donna at 7:35 PM on October 27, 2017 [19 favorites]
It is not unfair to your boyfriend. You don't owe him anything. Let me just repeat that because it sounds like you and I may be similar about some things: You do not owe your boyfriend a relationship. He, of course, will attempt to convince you otherwise but that's because he's a jerk. You are not some layaway bride purchased with time payments over the course of your long-distance relationship.
Also, your standards are way too low for a partner. No kidding, listen to what the folks above are saying. Did your parents maybe model unhealthy behaviour in the partnering department? Just a thought. Dump the lad and go learn about self-care so you don't settle for creeps in the future. (Also, not blaming you: Many of us settle for creeps and more than one of them over time.)
posted by Bella Donna at 7:35 PM on October 27, 2017 [19 favorites]
Jesus wept. +1 this guy is, no question, a bad human being. There just is no way to soften that, mitigate it, or lessen it. Bad. Human. In no way form or shape should you subject your self to him.
+1 his few good qualities are baseline behaviour. I'd take the person I hate most to the ER if need be.
posted by Jacen at 7:42 PM on October 27, 2017 [11 favorites]
+1 his few good qualities are baseline behaviour. I'd take the person I hate most to the ER if need be.
posted by Jacen at 7:42 PM on October 27, 2017 [11 favorites]
His behaviour is absolutely, positively 100% not normal. You deserve way, way better than this and you did nothing wrong. For example it is not "cheap" to be an extra in a movie and getting in any way upset about that is not normal yet this guy went so far as to buy a train ticket?!?!? If you don't get away from this guy you will at best end up emotionally scarred for life and at worst particularly if you marry him he will ruin your life. He is awful and abusive. I don't want to add to the pile on just for the sake of it but I want as many people as possible to tell you this so you'll have the best chance to really hear it and get away!!!
posted by hazyjane at 7:48 PM on October 27, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by hazyjane at 7:48 PM on October 27, 2017 [7 favorites]
The negatives sound like such a nightmare to me that I didn’t read the positives because there’s literally nothing that could make this not a nightmare.
posted by STFUDonnie at 7:54 PM on October 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by STFUDonnie at 7:54 PM on October 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
God yes he's terrible, get rid of him ASAP. Be safe. He sounds like he's going to turn on you, hard, when you dump him.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:00 PM on October 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:00 PM on October 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
Let me throw this out there.
he would take care of me when I was sick, he went with me to the emergency a few times at night, he would bring me my favourite food when I was studying for the final exam at the university, or he would send me flowers to work, or he likes to go on trips together etc
My husband does all of those things, but none of the shitty stuff you mentioned. They are sort of expectations of relationships - you can get all of that, and none of the crap.
posted by Toddles at 8:21 PM on October 27, 2017 [16 favorites]
he would take care of me when I was sick, he went with me to the emergency a few times at night, he would bring me my favourite food when I was studying for the final exam at the university, or he would send me flowers to work, or he likes to go on trips together etc
My husband does all of those things, but none of the shitty stuff you mentioned. They are sort of expectations of relationships - you can get all of that, and none of the crap.
posted by Toddles at 8:21 PM on October 27, 2017 [16 favorites]
And I don‘t think I have enough relationship experience to decide whether my boyfriend‘s behavior is justified or not. ... But I hate this unnecessary drama and would just like to have a normal relationship without all this jealousy and sulking and occassional embarrassment.
His behavior is not justified. But even if it were, you get to decide what kind of partner you want. I mean, being a loud and talkative person is totally justified and not a moral issue but that would be exhausting for me to live with, so I'm not looking for that kind of partner.
Anyone can be nice and charming when they are in a good mood or they want something. Hitler probably sent flowers Eva Braun. It's how they behave when they're out of their comfort zone, they've fucked up, or things just aren't going their way that matters. And whether they're open to understanding the impact of their behavior and apologizing and making changes.
I haven't been in your situation, but I've been in an environment where I was harassed, and even when I decided to take action I could not help questioning whether I was doing the right thing - there was the time he gave me good advice, got me on a good project, we had a good laugh over whatever ..... And I would stop and remind myself "He touched my xx. He talked about my xx. He said xxx etc" and those reminders would help me ground myself in reality - those things shouldn't happen in a workplace and I didn't want them to be part of my life anymore.
The positives don't outweigh the negatives. It's not unusual for people to find it difficult to leave an abusive or difficult relationship. If after reading the overwhelming consensus here you still don't feel certain, please talk to a therapist (alone) about assessing your situation and next steps.
The girl in the short skirt that he called a slut? A joke is only a joke if everyone's in on it. To the girl on the street, he was just another scary harasser. She doesn't need that - and neither do you.
Lastly: In my experience, I've been alone and I've been with the wrong person. Being alone is a million times better.
posted by bunderful at 8:27 PM on October 27, 2017 [20 favorites]
His behavior is not justified. But even if it were, you get to decide what kind of partner you want. I mean, being a loud and talkative person is totally justified and not a moral issue but that would be exhausting for me to live with, so I'm not looking for that kind of partner.
Anyone can be nice and charming when they are in a good mood or they want something. Hitler probably sent flowers Eva Braun. It's how they behave when they're out of their comfort zone, they've fucked up, or things just aren't going their way that matters. And whether they're open to understanding the impact of their behavior and apologizing and making changes.
I haven't been in your situation, but I've been in an environment where I was harassed, and even when I decided to take action I could not help questioning whether I was doing the right thing - there was the time he gave me good advice, got me on a good project, we had a good laugh over whatever ..... And I would stop and remind myself "He touched my xx. He talked about my xx. He said xxx etc" and those reminders would help me ground myself in reality - those things shouldn't happen in a workplace and I didn't want them to be part of my life anymore.
The positives don't outweigh the negatives. It's not unusual for people to find it difficult to leave an abusive or difficult relationship. If after reading the overwhelming consensus here you still don't feel certain, please talk to a therapist (alone) about assessing your situation and next steps.
The girl in the short skirt that he called a slut? A joke is only a joke if everyone's in on it. To the girl on the street, he was just another scary harasser. She doesn't need that - and neither do you.
Lastly: In my experience, I've been alone and I've been with the wrong person. Being alone is a million times better.
posted by bunderful at 8:27 PM on October 27, 2017 [20 favorites]
You had me convinced that splitting up was right thing to do way back at the beginning, when you wrote:
posted by Pinback at 8:29 PM on October 27, 2017 [8 favorites]
And for the past year I have been somewhere between "I think we might get married one day" and "I want to end this right now". I actually think about this every single day.Living your life like that, thinking that every day, is no good for anyone. One or the other, maybe, with a heavy preference for the first option if you don't want to be a doormat. But both? DTMFA.
posted by Pinback at 8:29 PM on October 27, 2017 [8 favorites]
Thank goodness it's only been long distance (imagine how much more he'd be able to do if they lived closer) and that you live far away for when you finally do dump this horrible abusive excuse for a person. Something also tells me you'll see a far worse side of him when you do, so stay safe, ok?
posted by Jubey at 8:29 PM on October 27, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 8:29 PM on October 27, 2017 [4 favorites]
He's abusive and treats you like shit. Do NOT move to his city. Move farther away. And change your contact info.
posted by jbenben at 8:37 PM on October 27, 2017 [16 favorites]
posted by jbenben at 8:37 PM on October 27, 2017 [16 favorites]
Please, please, please break up with him immediately and make sure you stop all contact so that there's absolutely no way that you could possibly get back together with him. Focus on your career and focus on developing your self esteem so that you won't get involved with an abusive, dehumanizing man like this ever again. Your view of him and yourself has become distorted and you're not seeing him and his very alarming behavior clearly. His good traits that you list are the bare minimum you should expect of a partner. They are not special or astonishingly good. They are the absolute minimum. You can do much, much better and be happy with a partner who doesn't subject you to controlling emotional abuse. You owe him nothing.
Go chase your wildest dreams and don't let this bad person drag you down.
posted by quince at 8:54 PM on October 27, 2017 [7 favorites]
Go chase your wildest dreams and don't let this bad person drag you down.
posted by quince at 8:54 PM on October 27, 2017 [7 favorites]
His behavior is horrible. He treats you like he owns you. How dare he tell you what to wear. I am so angry on your behalf right now. He also appears to treat other women horribly, abusing someone on the street for wearing a skirt. That is very offensive behavior. Your boyfriend's behavior is abhorrent. You list a number of things that he does, But every male friend I know would do all of these things. Those in no way make him a decent person, when you look at all the horrible things he does.
You deserve better. Please don't stay with someone who treats you like this.
posted by daffodil at 8:56 PM on October 27, 2017 [7 favorites]
You deserve better. Please don't stay with someone who treats you like this.
posted by daffodil at 8:56 PM on October 27, 2017 [7 favorites]
My friend (who knows about some of these issues that worry me) says that I act like women in abusive relationships who somehow deny that the things their partner does are wrong and who make excuses for their partner‘s behavior. But I thinks she‘s exagerrating. Or what do you think?
I think she's 100% right.
posted by selfmedicating at 8:56 PM on October 27, 2017 [33 favorites]
I think she's 100% right.
posted by selfmedicating at 8:56 PM on October 27, 2017 [33 favorites]
This guy isn't abusive now but he's controlling and sexist. If you marry him he WILL become abusive. Men like this think they own their wives. He's humoring you now and "letting" you do stuff he won't "let" you do when you're his wife. If you want to see how this goes watch literally any movie made pre 1999 about a bad marriage. This was such a common thing when I was young that your BF is a bad movie trope- he will change when you marry him probably making an announcement soon after the marriage along the lines of "now that we are married, you will act like this and this". He will very likely hit you and he'll probably try to force you into a pregnancy too. Because he was raised to think that's his right as a man. How is his mother's life in her marriage? Not good I bet.
Can he change? Sure. Lots of men raised this way changed when they fell in love or got older or got married and realized their wife was a person too. Or had a daughter. Or just were good people who realized that what they'd been taught as a kid was bullshit. Probably most men back in the day changed a lot of their opinions on women once married because it was their first chance to be in a relationship. But you are in modern times and he's not been raised separate from women, he has no reason to think this way except that he believes in it as a grown ass sexually experienced man. That's not good so I'd say you should leave him and find someone you share values with. That is the single most important thing in a marriage as it is.
posted by fshgrl at 8:57 PM on October 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
Can he change? Sure. Lots of men raised this way changed when they fell in love or got older or got married and realized their wife was a person too. Or had a daughter. Or just were good people who realized that what they'd been taught as a kid was bullshit. Probably most men back in the day changed a lot of their opinions on women once married because it was their first chance to be in a relationship. But you are in modern times and he's not been raised separate from women, he has no reason to think this way except that he believes in it as a grown ass sexually experienced man. That's not good so I'd say you should leave him and find someone you share values with. That is the single most important thing in a marriage as it is.
posted by fshgrl at 8:57 PM on October 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
My problem right now is that I‘m not sure if I have the right perception of what is normal anymore.
And I don‘t think I have enough relationship experience to decide whether my boyfriend‘s behavior is justified or not. ... But I hate this unnecessary drama and would just like to have a normal relationship without all this jealousy and sulking and occassional embarrassment.
Both of these observations are spot on. I don’t think you currently have a good perception of what’s normal. You’re certainly not seeing normal in this relationship. As others have said, the behaviors you describe as kind and loving are a baseline. IMO, the rest of his behavior cancels that out.
You may not have enough relationship experience yourself but you asked this question here and are getting loads of answers from people who do have enough relationship experience to tell you that “jealousy and sulking and occassional embarrassment” are not justified or normal.
Think about your life five years from now. Does your five-years-away rockstar self still want to be with this loser?
All the best.
posted by bendy at 9:04 PM on October 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
And I don‘t think I have enough relationship experience to decide whether my boyfriend‘s behavior is justified or not. ... But I hate this unnecessary drama and would just like to have a normal relationship without all this jealousy and sulking and occassional embarrassment.
Both of these observations are spot on. I don’t think you currently have a good perception of what’s normal. You’re certainly not seeing normal in this relationship. As others have said, the behaviors you describe as kind and loving are a baseline. IMO, the rest of his behavior cancels that out.
You may not have enough relationship experience yourself but you asked this question here and are getting loads of answers from people who do have enough relationship experience to tell you that “jealousy and sulking and occassional embarrassment” are not justified or normal.
Think about your life five years from now. Does your five-years-away rockstar self still want to be with this loser?
All the best.
posted by bendy at 9:04 PM on October 27, 2017 [2 favorites]
Please don’t move in with him and DTMFA. His behaviour is only going to get worse. The controlling behaviour, the anger, the sulkiness, yelling at you, and also controlling who you can see are all going to escalate and then you start bending over backwards to accommodate him and you become a shell of your former self. The thing with abusers is that they’re not abusive *all* the time, otherwise abusers would never find people to be in relationships with. Have a look at “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft - it explains men’s abusive behaviour and is really illuminating.
It seems that part of why you’re hesitant to break up is that you’ve had the LDR for the last year, and now you feel like you “have” to move in with him because you made him wait for you or something. Don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy - that since you invested in him for the last 12 months, you feel like you have to continue. Don’t leave your city to move back with him - just stay where you are!
Anyway, your instincts are all bang-on about him:
"At times I feel like we should end it just so I don't have to think about this anymore."
"some things he keeps doing that really worry me."
"I get annoyed just thinking about this."
"I would never yell or flip out at my partner no matter how angry I was just because he spoke to me."
"I don‘t think I have ever been so embarrassed in my life."
"I just don‘t get it."
"For me it is and I have told him so but I don‘t think he‘s willing or able to change this."
"I hate this unnecessary drama and would just like to have a normal relationship without all this jealousy and sulking and occassional embarrassment."
"Most of the time I think that there must be more to love than this"
These are all powerful statements. People have broken up with people over WAY less. You also express a LOT of self-doubt to contrast all these statements. If you stay with him, these self-preservation instincts are just going to erode away and it’ll be even harder to get out. So get out NOW. I understand your friend’s assessment, but I think it's a little judge-y so not all that helpful to you.
posted by foxjacket at 10:29 PM on October 27, 2017 [4 favorites]
It seems that part of why you’re hesitant to break up is that you’ve had the LDR for the last year, and now you feel like you “have” to move in with him because you made him wait for you or something. Don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy - that since you invested in him for the last 12 months, you feel like you have to continue. Don’t leave your city to move back with him - just stay where you are!
Anyway, your instincts are all bang-on about him:
"At times I feel like we should end it just so I don't have to think about this anymore."
"some things he keeps doing that really worry me."
"I get annoyed just thinking about this."
"I would never yell or flip out at my partner no matter how angry I was just because he spoke to me."
"I don‘t think I have ever been so embarrassed in my life."
"I just don‘t get it."
"For me it is and I have told him so but I don‘t think he‘s willing or able to change this."
"I hate this unnecessary drama and would just like to have a normal relationship without all this jealousy and sulking and occassional embarrassment."
"Most of the time I think that there must be more to love than this"
These are all powerful statements. People have broken up with people over WAY less. You also express a LOT of self-doubt to contrast all these statements. If you stay with him, these self-preservation instincts are just going to erode away and it’ll be even harder to get out. So get out NOW. I understand your friend’s assessment, but I think it's a little judge-y so not all that helpful to you.
posted by foxjacket at 10:29 PM on October 27, 2017 [4 favorites]
You deserve so much better. Even my abusive ex would take me to the ER.
posted by bighappyhairydog at 11:09 PM on October 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by bighappyhairydog at 11:09 PM on October 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
After reading about the multiple controlling and abusive things he has done, I thought, "he's horrible and you should break up with him." Then I read your bit about how he took you to the ER when you were sick and brought you your favourite food when you were studying and travelled with you. You know what I thought then?
I STILL thought "he's horrible and you should break up with him." As others have said, his so called good qualities are the very lowest baseline of decent behaviour for someone you are with. Poop milkshake indeed. Your friend is right--he's abusive and controlling and you are in denial.
You deserve better. Any human does. Don't waste any more of your life with this man.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:02 AM on October 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
I STILL thought "he's horrible and you should break up with him." As others have said, his so called good qualities are the very lowest baseline of decent behaviour for someone you are with. Poop milkshake indeed. Your friend is right--he's abusive and controlling and you are in denial.
You deserve better. Any human does. Don't waste any more of your life with this man.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:02 AM on October 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you so much everyone.
I want to end it right now but don't know how to do it without hurting my partner's feelings - I will be seeing him in a few hours (in his town) and I am sure he does not expect this at all. I also think that he might try and persuade me to stay or say that he will change or that we can go to couple counseling, or that my worries are not valid etc. How to make sure I don't fall for this? Despite everything I still like him and I will miss him, but at the same time I want this to be final as I no longer have the mental strength for working on saving this relationship.
Please help me decide on how I should do this. I suppose that no matter how I do it I will look like a real asshole just breaking up with him out of the blue. But I don't want to be in this relationship anymore and I don't want to give it another chance.
So to sum up, my questions are:
1) How to break up with someone who doesn't expect it at all?
2) How to make sure that no matter what he says or does I don't change my mind about this?
posted by U.N.Owen at 12:14 AM on October 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
I want to end it right now but don't know how to do it without hurting my partner's feelings - I will be seeing him in a few hours (in his town) and I am sure he does not expect this at all. I also think that he might try and persuade me to stay or say that he will change or that we can go to couple counseling, or that my worries are not valid etc. How to make sure I don't fall for this? Despite everything I still like him and I will miss him, but at the same time I want this to be final as I no longer have the mental strength for working on saving this relationship.
Please help me decide on how I should do this. I suppose that no matter how I do it I will look like a real asshole just breaking up with him out of the blue. But I don't want to be in this relationship anymore and I don't want to give it another chance.
So to sum up, my questions are:
1) How to break up with someone who doesn't expect it at all?
2) How to make sure that no matter what he says or does I don't change my mind about this?
posted by U.N.Owen at 12:14 AM on October 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Excellent decision. I'd tell him that you don't like the way he treats you, you're breaking up with him, nothing he can do or say will convince you to change your mind and you want to go no contact and for him to respect your wishes. Be very clear and firm.
Don't entertain a conversation which will just be him trying to change your mind. If you think he might get violent, do it in public (heck, do it in public anyway just to be sure) or over the phone and then change your number/block etc. Keep safe and report back, this guy sets off red flags.
posted by Jubey at 12:24 AM on October 28, 2017 [4 favorites]
Don't entertain a conversation which will just be him trying to change your mind. If you think he might get violent, do it in public (heck, do it in public anyway just to be sure) or over the phone and then change your number/block etc. Keep safe and report back, this guy sets off red flags.
posted by Jubey at 12:24 AM on October 28, 2017 [4 favorites]
I, an internet stranger, am here to tell you that you are not to worry about this man’s opinion of you when you tell him “I have decided that I no longer want to be in this relationship.”
That’s all you owe him. You don’t have to hear him out to be polite. You don’t have to explain your reasons. You don’t have to manage his feelings. Hell, he’s made no attempt to manage yours. Tell him in public and then walk away.
You are strong and you are right and you are doing something positive for yourself. If he doesn’t expect to be broken up with after the behaviour you’ve detailed in your post, that’s on him and his lack of emotional intelligence, not on you.
This internet stranger is also very, very proud of you.
posted by citands at 1:17 AM on October 28, 2017 [30 favorites]
That’s all you owe him. You don’t have to hear him out to be polite. You don’t have to explain your reasons. You don’t have to manage his feelings. Hell, he’s made no attempt to manage yours. Tell him in public and then walk away.
You are strong and you are right and you are doing something positive for yourself. If he doesn’t expect to be broken up with after the behaviour you’ve detailed in your post, that’s on him and his lack of emotional intelligence, not on you.
This internet stranger is also very, very proud of you.
posted by citands at 1:17 AM on October 28, 2017 [30 favorites]
So to sum up, my questions are:
1) How to break up with someone who doesn't expect it at all?
2) How to make sure that no matter what he says or does I don't change my mind about this?
1. “Hey, I’m breaking up with you. This isn’t working for me.” If you’re waiting for him to expect that it ain’t gonna happen.
2. Everything he says you respond with “Hey, I’m breaking up with you. This isn’t working for me.” Whatever it is you need to say, just say it over and over to him. Set a boundary for yourself that you won’t cross. The power is all yours.
posted by bendy at 1:24 AM on October 28, 2017 [8 favorites]
1) How to break up with someone who doesn't expect it at all?
2) How to make sure that no matter what he says or does I don't change my mind about this?
1. “Hey, I’m breaking up with you. This isn’t working for me.” If you’re waiting for him to expect that it ain’t gonna happen.
2. Everything he says you respond with “Hey, I’m breaking up with you. This isn’t working for me.” Whatever it is you need to say, just say it over and over to him. Set a boundary for yourself that you won’t cross. The power is all yours.
posted by bendy at 1:24 AM on October 28, 2017 [8 favorites]
As someone who once chickened out of breaking up virtually at the last minute...
Be aware of the extra pressure of being there in his city all by yourself. From what you told here he might NOT respond gracefully to the news.
Is there any way you can cancel the trip? Do you have anywhere to go after you break up? Can you, at the very least, make plans to call a friend afterwards? I'd definitely tell a close friend about my plan and make a plan to call her after the break-up conversation. But ideally, I'd just not go.
Breaking up over the phone might be the best in some situations. I wouldn't travel a few hours to see someone to break up with them if I had reasons to believe they might get angry/violent. Yelling at a strange woman in the street? ugh. I wouldn't feel safe around this guy.
posted by M. at 1:33 AM on October 28, 2017 [35 favorites]
Be aware of the extra pressure of being there in his city all by yourself. From what you told here he might NOT respond gracefully to the news.
Is there any way you can cancel the trip? Do you have anywhere to go after you break up? Can you, at the very least, make plans to call a friend afterwards? I'd definitely tell a close friend about my plan and make a plan to call her after the break-up conversation. But ideally, I'd just not go.
Breaking up over the phone might be the best in some situations. I wouldn't travel a few hours to see someone to break up with them if I had reasons to believe they might get angry/violent. Yelling at a strange woman in the street? ugh. I wouldn't feel safe around this guy.
posted by M. at 1:33 AM on October 28, 2017 [35 favorites]
In my experience, men who are this misogynistic, jealous and controlling can turn emotionally and physically abusive unexpectedly. It concerns me that you are going to see him "in his town" and planning to break up with him. Could you cancel the trip and break up with him over the phone? If you feel you must go, can you meet him in a public place like a restaurant, do the deed and then head back home? I don't like the idea of you breaking up with him alone with him in his apartment, and especially if you have no way to get home right after.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 1:38 AM on October 28, 2017 [50 favorites]
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 1:38 AM on October 28, 2017 [50 favorites]
Tell a friend you are doing it. Tell them to expect you to call them afterwards (by a certain time). This will help keep you safe and keep you on track. Don’t get involved with subjective arguments (like whether it was OK of him to call that girl a slut). Keep it factual and low-detail. He will almost definitely freak out, many people would and he sounds controlling/dramatic, so I’d be ready for the possibility of meanness and/or begging and/or threats (toward himself or you). Keep yourself safe and just keep it in mind that you are going to get out of there, you are going to call that friend who’s expecting you, you are going to head back to your own city and live your own life and it’s going to be great. Keep that image of the call and the great future in your mind. You can do it.
posted by hungrytiger at 1:40 AM on October 28, 2017 [12 favorites]
posted by hungrytiger at 1:40 AM on October 28, 2017 [12 favorites]
I also strongly prefer the idea of a phone breakup to an in person one.
posted by hungrytiger at 1:41 AM on October 28, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by hungrytiger at 1:41 AM on October 28, 2017 [11 favorites]
Also, yeah, if you decide to break up in person, do it in public and plan your exit beforehand. Have a script prepared. He will almost certainly NOT respond well. Be prepared with a plan for what to do if he freaks out.
posted by M. at 1:45 AM on October 28, 2017 [9 favorites]
posted by M. at 1:45 AM on October 28, 2017 [9 favorites]
Being an asshole 2% of the time still makes him an asshole. I promise you will find a guy who is an asshole 0% of the time.
Breakups are hard enough, worry about your feelings not his. I think being with him has conditioned you to thinking this is still about him. I mean it is about him, you’re breaking up because of his behaviours and actions, but ultimately this is about your life and your well being. He’s a grown ass man, he can deal.
And given his temperament and past behaviour I agree with all the sensible advice above on how to do this safely.
posted by like_neon at 3:30 AM on October 28, 2017
Breakups are hard enough, worry about your feelings not his. I think being with him has conditioned you to thinking this is still about him. I mean it is about him, you’re breaking up because of his behaviours and actions, but ultimately this is about your life and your well being. He’s a grown ass man, he can deal.
And given his temperament and past behaviour I agree with all the sensible advice above on how to do this safely.
posted by like_neon at 3:30 AM on October 28, 2017
You can't break up with him without hurting him, but that's not your job. Your job is to make good decisions for yourself and not to cause more pain than you have to in doing so. Breaking up hurts; that's just how it is.
Cancel the visit, break up over the phone.
Like others, I'm concerned about his reaction. Can you go stay with a friend in your town if he makes a move to try to come talk you out of it?
posted by spindrifter at 4:04 AM on October 28, 2017 [16 favorites]
Cancel the visit, break up over the phone.
Like others, I'm concerned about his reaction. Can you go stay with a friend in your town if he makes a move to try to come talk you out of it?
posted by spindrifter at 4:04 AM on October 28, 2017 [16 favorites]
Don't go visit him! You owe him less than nothing. Treating him like poo you stepped in is 100% fair now. I know you are worried "being mean to him" makes you some kind of "bad person" or something, but no! He has earned this breakup, 10,000% and you have to protect yourself.
All you have to say is "I'm ending the relationship. It is not up for debate. Do not contact me ever. Goodbye" and then you hang up. Block his phone number, automatically send his emails to a folder labled "evidence for when he sends abusive emails" (don't read them! They are going to be horrid!) block him on facebook and messenger and anywhere you can. If he shows up in your town to "talk things over" after you declare no contact, he almost certainly is violating your jurisdictions stalking laws.
Protect yourself, protect yourself, and spare no concern for his feelings. Hopefully he grows up instead of harassing you for a decade
posted by Jacen at 4:16 AM on October 28, 2017 [6 favorites]
All you have to say is "I'm ending the relationship. It is not up for debate. Do not contact me ever. Goodbye" and then you hang up. Block his phone number, automatically send his emails to a folder labled "evidence for when he sends abusive emails" (don't read them! They are going to be horrid!) block him on facebook and messenger and anywhere you can. If he shows up in your town to "talk things over" after you declare no contact, he almost certainly is violating your jurisdictions stalking laws.
Protect yourself, protect yourself, and spare no concern for his feelings. Hopefully he grows up instead of harassing you for a decade
posted by Jacen at 4:16 AM on October 28, 2017 [6 favorites]
props for deciding to leave him. so
a heads up, in case he is anything like one of my past relationships - -
be ready for him
a) to not accept/believe it
b) to get mad
c) to call you horrible stuff
d) to accuse you of leading him on, wasting his time, never really loving him blah blah blah
e) to bargain (what about taking a break instead of breaking up etc.), cry ("i'll change babe, i *love* you etc etc.")
f) all or a combo of the above
it will suck. i've been there. and you're gonna have to steel your heart and just knuckle down through it. i know you got this.
just take my word for it - you dont want to repeat my mistake, and give it 'one more go' - the lengths i had to go, to actually shake my ex (move cities, change my phone number, kill my social media accounts, tell my buds to cut all contact with him) only to have him follow me to another country (!) was a fuck ton of stress to deal with. his behavior post-breakup only served to confirm any concerns i had about his character.
do a clean break, don't answer his texts, calls, emails. you'll just buy yourself another six weeks of mindfuck guilt tripping.
just tell him you don't want to be with him, you don't see a future together. this is not a negotiation, this is your decision.
..it wont be fun, i don't envy you, but it'll turn out to be one of the best things you've done for yourself.
good luck!
posted by speakeasy at 4:19 AM on October 28, 2017 [16 favorites]
a heads up, in case he is anything like one of my past relationships - -
be ready for him
a) to not accept/believe it
b) to get mad
c) to call you horrible stuff
d) to accuse you of leading him on, wasting his time, never really loving him blah blah blah
e) to bargain (what about taking a break instead of breaking up etc.), cry ("i'll change babe, i *love* you etc etc.")
f) all or a combo of the above
it will suck. i've been there. and you're gonna have to steel your heart and just knuckle down through it. i know you got this.
just take my word for it - you dont want to repeat my mistake, and give it 'one more go' - the lengths i had to go, to actually shake my ex (move cities, change my phone number, kill my social media accounts, tell my buds to cut all contact with him) only to have him follow me to another country (!) was a fuck ton of stress to deal with. his behavior post-breakup only served to confirm any concerns i had about his character.
do a clean break, don't answer his texts, calls, emails. you'll just buy yourself another six weeks of mindfuck guilt tripping.
just tell him you don't want to be with him, you don't see a future together. this is not a negotiation, this is your decision.
..it wont be fun, i don't envy you, but it'll turn out to be one of the best things you've done for yourself.
good luck!
posted by speakeasy at 4:19 AM on October 28, 2017 [16 favorites]
and i agree with the others - with this dude being so volatile, just break up with him over the phone - you don't 'owe' him a 'nice breakup.' ask yourself honestly, what is the best and the worst case scenario? can guarantee, that it will most likely lean towards the worse one. if anything, he'll take it harder that you came over for a nice visit and it turns out you just came to dump him.
i know it feels like shit, especially after what feels like a long relationship, but he'll be ok. and so will you. life's funny like that.
posted by speakeasy at 4:30 AM on October 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
i know it feels like shit, especially after what feels like a long relationship, but he'll be ok. and so will you. life's funny like that.
posted by speakeasy at 4:30 AM on October 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
Stay strong. Stay safe. It might feel like overkill to you to use resources written for women leaving abusive relationships, but at its core they are about managing that personality type.
He will be SO NICE TO YOU after you break up. You will be drowning in flowers and declarations of eternal love. He will say he will change. This is not true. If he wanted to change and be better he would have been a better man already.
Then he may become very cruel, and tell you no one else will want to be with you. This is also untrue.
He may try to blackmail you and try to ruin your reputation. It’s not worth it.
This will be his last chance to control you. Be aware of his tricks, and don’t be obligated. You are not obligated to subscribe for a life of abuse for anything he can pull. These arseholes think they’re hot shit but none of their material is original, you can prepare yourself.
posted by chiquitita at 5:38 AM on October 28, 2017 [21 favorites]
He will be SO NICE TO YOU after you break up. You will be drowning in flowers and declarations of eternal love. He will say he will change. This is not true. If he wanted to change and be better he would have been a better man already.
Then he may become very cruel, and tell you no one else will want to be with you. This is also untrue.
He may try to blackmail you and try to ruin your reputation. It’s not worth it.
This will be his last chance to control you. Be aware of his tricks, and don’t be obligated. You are not obligated to subscribe for a life of abuse for anything he can pull. These arseholes think they’re hot shit but none of their material is original, you can prepare yourself.
posted by chiquitita at 5:38 AM on October 28, 2017 [21 favorites]
I like the above suggestions to cancel the trip and break up over the phone or text. 2nd choice - do it in public and leave immediately afterwards.
Be brief and straightforward: "I don't see a future for us and this relationship isn't making me happy. I'm breaking up with you."
Go no contact after the breakup - delete and block his numbers. Jbenben is right - even though this wasn't a good relationship, expect that you may feel some sadness and miss him. Just stick with yourself through the difficult feelings and know that they're normal and don't mean anything except that you got attached, as humans are wired to do.
You can tell him your breakup reasons, but you do not need to, and you do not need to get him to understand and agree that your reasons for breaking up are legit.
Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 8:13 AM on October 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
Be brief and straightforward: "I don't see a future for us and this relationship isn't making me happy. I'm breaking up with you."
Go no contact after the breakup - delete and block his numbers. Jbenben is right - even though this wasn't a good relationship, expect that you may feel some sadness and miss him. Just stick with yourself through the difficult feelings and know that they're normal and don't mean anything except that you got attached, as humans are wired to do.
You can tell him your breakup reasons, but you do not need to, and you do not need to get him to understand and agree that your reasons for breaking up are legit.
Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 8:13 AM on October 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
If you read this then he might seem like a horrible person because I listed only the awful things about him.
Believe me when I tell you that this can be said about every violent abuser and rageaholic in a relationship. Obviously there's always something good enough to allow partners to rationalize that the terrible behavior doesn't reflect the whole person. But safe, loving, mature people categorically don't behave the way he does. There are many red flags here - policing women's bodies, demeaning and insulting you and others, trying to control your behavior, behaving passive-aggressively to try to control your behavior through inciting a reaction, showing uncontrollable anger, shutting down communication, etc. I mean have a look at some of the online lists of abusive behavior that are based on extensive research. He's already doing many of these, and that means he's certainly at risk of progressing to the others, because it is progressive.
But even beyond that, you have been apart a long time and you have grown apart. You've got enough distance, finally, to see him for what he is. He of course is responding by trying to control more, because he can see you're rethinking. You don't even really need to believe he's an abuser to be completely okay with leaving him - you've got your own life, and you shouldn't upend your productive and potentially active and happy life for what's certain to be some serious unhappiness with him. Don't worry about what's "fair" to him - the fairest thing would be to be honest with him and end it so he can move on with his life - and hopefully get the therapy he needs. You're wasting his time by carrying on when you don't want this to happen - it's okay to admit to yourself you don't want it.
Last note, you may want to break up with him from a distance. Not normally the thing to do but since he's already told you not to talk to him when he's mad, it seems best to me not to be around when you give him information that's likely to make him mad. Be careful.
posted by Miko at 8:30 AM on October 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
Believe me when I tell you that this can be said about every violent abuser and rageaholic in a relationship. Obviously there's always something good enough to allow partners to rationalize that the terrible behavior doesn't reflect the whole person. But safe, loving, mature people categorically don't behave the way he does. There are many red flags here - policing women's bodies, demeaning and insulting you and others, trying to control your behavior, behaving passive-aggressively to try to control your behavior through inciting a reaction, showing uncontrollable anger, shutting down communication, etc. I mean have a look at some of the online lists of abusive behavior that are based on extensive research. He's already doing many of these, and that means he's certainly at risk of progressing to the others, because it is progressive.
But even beyond that, you have been apart a long time and you have grown apart. You've got enough distance, finally, to see him for what he is. He of course is responding by trying to control more, because he can see you're rethinking. You don't even really need to believe he's an abuser to be completely okay with leaving him - you've got your own life, and you shouldn't upend your productive and potentially active and happy life for what's certain to be some serious unhappiness with him. Don't worry about what's "fair" to him - the fairest thing would be to be honest with him and end it so he can move on with his life - and hopefully get the therapy he needs. You're wasting his time by carrying on when you don't want this to happen - it's okay to admit to yourself you don't want it.
Last note, you may want to break up with him from a distance. Not normally the thing to do but since he's already told you not to talk to him when he's mad, it seems best to me not to be around when you give him information that's likely to make him mad. Be careful.
posted by Miko at 8:30 AM on October 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
From this internet observer's perspective, your biggest concern in this situation is not "how do I not hurt his feelings" but "how do I ensure my safety when leaving him?" Look at the advice from the other commenters and be cautious.
2) How to make sure that no matter what he says or does I don't change my mind about this?
Re-read this thread. Or get someone to remind you and pep-talk you through why you made this decision.
So I consume a lot of true-crime documentaries, podcasts, articles, and case materials. It is striking just how many of these cases involve violence caused by controlling men who couldn't accept rejection by their partners. In fact, I recently listened to an interview with a police investigator in a case regarding a woman who is believed to have disappeared after she tried to leave her boyfriend--the investigator was saying that the public in general don't understand just how big of a problem this is of guys reacting violently.
There are loads and loads of terrible cases that follow this pattern; there are loads of data and statistics about how many attempts it takes someone to leave an abusive relationship, how the violence escalates over time, and on and on. And those are just the cases we know about! Imagine the ones where someone got killed and it never got investigated!
Don't be one of those that didn't make it out. Save yourself the grief of escalating violence. This guy isn't special, and everyone here can sense how this is going to end if you go back. We're not saying RUN just to be dramatic; we say it because we've seen this before. If you succeed in leaving, you are massively dodging a bullet--perhaps literally.
Does this sound alarmist, too unbelievable? Well, I almost thought your question was a troll question at first because this guy's behavior is SO. INCREDIBLY. UGH. Definitely demand better from life!!
My friend (who knows about some of these issues that worry me) says that I act like women in abusive relationships who somehow deny that the things their partner does are wrong and who make excuses for their partner‘s behavior. But I thinks she‘s exagerrating.
You have a friend who cares and is looking out for you. That is a blessing. Maybe you can ask her for support (checking in on you, making sure you're not alone at certain times, reminding you of why you made this decision, etc.).
posted by Sockin'inthefreeworld at 8:41 AM on October 28, 2017 [12 favorites]
2) How to make sure that no matter what he says or does I don't change my mind about this?
Re-read this thread. Or get someone to remind you and pep-talk you through why you made this decision.
So I consume a lot of true-crime documentaries, podcasts, articles, and case materials. It is striking just how many of these cases involve violence caused by controlling men who couldn't accept rejection by their partners. In fact, I recently listened to an interview with a police investigator in a case regarding a woman who is believed to have disappeared after she tried to leave her boyfriend--the investigator was saying that the public in general don't understand just how big of a problem this is of guys reacting violently.
There are loads and loads of terrible cases that follow this pattern; there are loads of data and statistics about how many attempts it takes someone to leave an abusive relationship, how the violence escalates over time, and on and on. And those are just the cases we know about! Imagine the ones where someone got killed and it never got investigated!
Don't be one of those that didn't make it out. Save yourself the grief of escalating violence. This guy isn't special, and everyone here can sense how this is going to end if you go back. We're not saying RUN just to be dramatic; we say it because we've seen this before. If you succeed in leaving, you are massively dodging a bullet--perhaps literally.
Does this sound alarmist, too unbelievable? Well, I almost thought your question was a troll question at first because this guy's behavior is SO. INCREDIBLY. UGH. Definitely demand better from life!!
My friend (who knows about some of these issues that worry me) says that I act like women in abusive relationships who somehow deny that the things their partner does are wrong and who make excuses for their partner‘s behavior. But I thinks she‘s exagerrating.
You have a friend who cares and is looking out for you. That is a blessing. Maybe you can ask her for support (checking in on you, making sure you're not alone at certain times, reminding you of why you made this decision, etc.).
posted by Sockin'inthefreeworld at 8:41 AM on October 28, 2017 [12 favorites]
In your next relationship something to keep in mind - ask yourself "does this person make my world bigger or smaller?" Your (hopefully by now ex) boyfriend wanted to make your world smaller - that's what all the "it's cheap" stuff about the movie was about. His jealousy is why he lashed out - because people were paying attention to you. Also, you also never owe someone your time just because they've "waited" for it and you certainly don't owe them your entire person for it.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 9:12 AM on October 28, 2017 [8 favorites]
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 9:12 AM on October 28, 2017 [8 favorites]
Good luck with everything today. Please check in when you can to let us know how you are. Just remember the way he made you feel in those bad moments. You don't have to discuss any of them with him specifically—and probably shouldn't, lest you get mired in an hours-long argument about what he really meant when he did a thing 3 years ago. I already fear you might be in the midst of an hours-long argument anyway. Stay strong.
He might not mirror your feeling that something is seriously wrong with him or the relationship, and it can be easier, comforting to let yourself be lulled into seeing things his way, that you're just blowing small things out of proportion or seeing something bad in him that's not there or letting insecurity rule you or rationalizing or any of the many other things guys will say about women to cast doubt on their thoughts and feelings. Don't believe the hype. I think we're basically unanimous in our assessment here.
Also: It's entirely OK if he doesn't like you after this (as long as he doesn't, you know, actually harm you). The price you have to pay for freedom is often losing the objectifier's belief that you're some angel sent to save only them. But you're something better—you're a real person, and you can get through this! Much love.
posted by limeonaire at 9:13 AM on October 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
He might not mirror your feeling that something is seriously wrong with him or the relationship, and it can be easier, comforting to let yourself be lulled into seeing things his way, that you're just blowing small things out of proportion or seeing something bad in him that's not there or letting insecurity rule you or rationalizing or any of the many other things guys will say about women to cast doubt on their thoughts and feelings. Don't believe the hype. I think we're basically unanimous in our assessment here.
Also: It's entirely OK if he doesn't like you after this (as long as he doesn't, you know, actually harm you). The price you have to pay for freedom is often losing the objectifier's belief that you're some angel sent to save only them. But you're something better—you're a real person, and you can get through this! Much love.
posted by limeonaire at 9:13 AM on October 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Mod note: A few comments deleted; please don't badger the OP, she can check in if/when she wants.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 10:47 AM on October 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 10:47 AM on October 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
YIKES he sounds super gross and you should set him outside at the curb for the trash carriers to pick up and take away forever.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:52 AM on October 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:52 AM on October 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
I don't know how to break up with someone when you're in that kind of situation, but this sounds like something the folks at the Captain Awkward advice website talk about a fair bit. You might find it useful to poke around on that site, where there have been posts with letters from people who sound like they're in similar circumstances for you. It might also help to see similar situations there from the outside and see if that helps you take a different look at your current situation. Best of luck.
posted by rmd1023 at 12:59 PM on October 28, 2017
posted by rmd1023 at 12:59 PM on October 28, 2017
Response by poster: Thanks for the support. It was actually so much harder than I thought. I don't think I've ever seen him so sad and I feel like such an asshole. I am also having massive doubts about this decision right now.
It is true that he has not criticized me for wearing skirts for almost 2 years now (except for the beach situation which happened this summer). The last time he got mad about me keeping in touch with my ex was also about 2 years ago - since then he just says he doesn't care about it. So I guess I shouldn't have listed these things as current problems.
Yesterday he also said that he doesn't mind me being an extra in a movie anymore, but still thinks that me signing the registration form and having my picture taken in the park was cheap.
And regarding the yelling situation he said that it only happened because we've been traveling all day and he was tired and angry etc.
But what concerned me and still does is that when I told him about how horrible and rude it was of him to yell in the car that a woman on the street was a "slut", he said that I take these things too seriously and that it was funny and that he believes that it is actually a compliment to call a woman a slut! He said that it might only be me who found that rude and that maybe that woman was even flattered (I doubt that).
And he also acted like a total jerk in the restaurant where we went to (before we had the talk). I was again so embarrassed.
So overall I think that ending it was the right thing to do. But at the same time I'm wondering whether I shouldn't have given him one more chance. He apologized and actually seemed willing to change the things that I don't like about him (except for calling that woman a slut which as I said he belives was "funny" and harmless).
One thing that helped me end it was re-reading all your comments and remembering that 50+ internet strangers urged me to leave. So thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to my question. I only hope that these doubts I have right now will go away soon.
posted by U.N.Owen at 3:03 PM on October 29, 2017 [16 favorites]
It is true that he has not criticized me for wearing skirts for almost 2 years now (except for the beach situation which happened this summer). The last time he got mad about me keeping in touch with my ex was also about 2 years ago - since then he just says he doesn't care about it. So I guess I shouldn't have listed these things as current problems.
Yesterday he also said that he doesn't mind me being an extra in a movie anymore, but still thinks that me signing the registration form and having my picture taken in the park was cheap.
And regarding the yelling situation he said that it only happened because we've been traveling all day and he was tired and angry etc.
But what concerned me and still does is that when I told him about how horrible and rude it was of him to yell in the car that a woman on the street was a "slut", he said that I take these things too seriously and that it was funny and that he believes that it is actually a compliment to call a woman a slut! He said that it might only be me who found that rude and that maybe that woman was even flattered (I doubt that).
And he also acted like a total jerk in the restaurant where we went to (before we had the talk). I was again so embarrassed.
So overall I think that ending it was the right thing to do. But at the same time I'm wondering whether I shouldn't have given him one more chance. He apologized and actually seemed willing to change the things that I don't like about him (except for calling that woman a slut which as I said he belives was "funny" and harmless).
One thing that helped me end it was re-reading all your comments and remembering that 50+ internet strangers urged me to leave. So thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to my question. I only hope that these doubts I have right now will go away soon.
posted by U.N.Owen at 3:03 PM on October 29, 2017 [16 favorites]
So glad you updated! Remember, abusers generally follow a pattern and are master manipulators. He is going to keep trying to make you feel terrible and like you have made a mistake. This is a Thing they do. Stay strong- you KNOW in your heart that you are doing the best thing for you. You’ve got this. Do yourself a huuuge favor and try to source some time with a therapist before you begin another relationship. You deserve joy.
posted by PorcineWithMe at 3:18 PM on October 29, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by PorcineWithMe at 3:18 PM on October 29, 2017 [6 favorites]
Well done on ending it. From everything you said, it's good you did. Don't overthink this. And don't go back. He has a reason for everything. And they aren't even good reasons!
still thinks that me signing the registration form and having my picture taken in the park was cheap
Like seriously, this is ridiculous. It's not cheap. His pressing the point doesn't change that.
he also acted like a total jerk in the restaurant where we went to (before we had the talk). I was again so embarrassed
You don't have to be with someone who embarrasses you in public. The world has so many people in it who would be better partners than this and not embarrass you.
he believes that it is actually a compliment to call a woman a slut! He said that it might only be me who found that rude and that maybe that woman was even flattered
Nope, you're not the only one. I love how he doubled down on this and his statement about the photo in the park. Just...no.
Stay strong on this. Even being by yourself is better than being with him. I know it might be hard to see right now, but seriously, allow yourself to mourn a little if need be, but then enjoy your freedom. Do all the things he never would've been into your doing. I have no doubt you're gonna find someone way better than him. Much love!
posted by limeonaire at 4:03 PM on October 29, 2017 [4 favorites]
still thinks that me signing the registration form and having my picture taken in the park was cheap
Like seriously, this is ridiculous. It's not cheap. His pressing the point doesn't change that.
he also acted like a total jerk in the restaurant where we went to (before we had the talk). I was again so embarrassed
You don't have to be with someone who embarrasses you in public. The world has so many people in it who would be better partners than this and not embarrass you.
he believes that it is actually a compliment to call a woman a slut! He said that it might only be me who found that rude and that maybe that woman was even flattered
Nope, you're not the only one. I love how he doubled down on this and his statement about the photo in the park. Just...no.
Stay strong on this. Even being by yourself is better than being with him. I know it might be hard to see right now, but seriously, allow yourself to mourn a little if need be, but then enjoy your freedom. Do all the things he never would've been into your doing. I have no doubt you're gonna find someone way better than him. Much love!
posted by limeonaire at 4:03 PM on October 29, 2017 [4 favorites]
Doubts are 100% normal. We as humans are wired for connection and breaking off a close bond is anxiety inducing.
Be gentle with yourself. Reach out to a friend. The sadness will pass but right now it might be good to just feel the feelings.
Stay with someone if you can. Those first few days can feel really vulnerable.
Internet hugs to you.
posted by M. at 4:06 PM on October 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
Be gentle with yourself. Reach out to a friend. The sadness will pass but right now it might be good to just feel the feelings.
Stay with someone if you can. Those first few days can feel really vulnerable.
Internet hugs to you.
posted by M. at 4:06 PM on October 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
he said that I take these things too seriously
You made the right decision. You really did. Keep yourself busy with other things the next few days and don't indulge the doubts. Hang out with friends, do something fun. Make some plans for your future, maybe some travel, now that you don't have to dread any aspect of it.
posted by Miko at 4:16 PM on October 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
You made the right decision. You really did. Keep yourself busy with other things the next few days and don't indulge the doubts. Hang out with friends, do something fun. Make some plans for your future, maybe some travel, now that you don't have to dread any aspect of it.
posted by Miko at 4:16 PM on October 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
You're awesome. It's really hard to leave this type of dude (which is why so many women wind up yoked to them, abused.) You should be incredibly proud of yourself.
Everything in your update is illustrative of him being awful. Everything. The movie in the park thing, doubling down on chastising you? (Do you know how stoked my husband would be if that happened to me? He'd be tickled pink.) And thinking it was funny and flattering (VOMIT) for him to yell a sexual slur at a woman who was walking along minding her own business? Like - his awfulness here is AMAZING. It would be more typical for someone like this to apologize halfheartedly with crocodile tears. But he couldn't even bring himself to do that. He's THAT awful.
Anyway, kudos to you and in a few months this will just be one of those "shake your head and wonder what you were thinking" memories.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:26 PM on October 29, 2017 [11 favorites]
Everything in your update is illustrative of him being awful. Everything. The movie in the park thing, doubling down on chastising you? (Do you know how stoked my husband would be if that happened to me? He'd be tickled pink.) And thinking it was funny and flattering (VOMIT) for him to yell a sexual slur at a woman who was walking along minding her own business? Like - his awfulness here is AMAZING. It would be more typical for someone like this to apologize halfheartedly with crocodile tears. But he couldn't even bring himself to do that. He's THAT awful.
Anyway, kudos to you and in a few months this will just be one of those "shake your head and wonder what you were thinking" memories.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:26 PM on October 29, 2017 [11 favorites]
I broke up with someone after only 9 dates and even though it was totally the right thing for me to do, I still had doubts because we've been brainwashed into "he wants me!" so that means we're supposed to be with the guy. Um, no. Think of things you can do when that desire to contact him again hits you. Like, reread this thread, watch an engrossing show, listen to music. It's hard but not as hard as losing yourself. Congrats!
posted by Bella Donna at 4:31 PM on October 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 4:31 PM on October 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
GOOD FOR YOU. I am super, super proud that you did this especially since it sounds like he made it hard. You are 100% correct to be doubtful of his claims that you are the only woman who finds being called a slut problematic. You already know this, but most women are like you and do not take this as anything other than the misogynistic insult that it is.
So overall I think that ending it was the right thing to do. But at the same time I'm wondering whether I shouldn't have given him one more chance. He apologized and actually seemed willing to change the things that I don't like about him (except for calling that woman a slut which as I said he belives was "funny" and harmless).
No, you were damned right not to give him one more chance. He had already had all the chances he needed--he only apologized and seemed willing to change because he saw you were serious about ending it with him. And even so, he still couldn't see what was wrong with calling a woman a slut even though you told him you felt uncomfortable.
Good for you. I wish you strength for if he contacts you again and tries to convince you to change your mind. If that happens, just read over this thread again and reassure yourself you did the right thing and it was just him who was trying to gaslight you into thinking you were overreacting. YOU WEREN'T.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:13 PM on October 29, 2017 [4 favorites]
So overall I think that ending it was the right thing to do. But at the same time I'm wondering whether I shouldn't have given him one more chance. He apologized and actually seemed willing to change the things that I don't like about him (except for calling that woman a slut which as I said he belives was "funny" and harmless).
No, you were damned right not to give him one more chance. He had already had all the chances he needed--he only apologized and seemed willing to change because he saw you were serious about ending it with him. And even so, he still couldn't see what was wrong with calling a woman a slut even though you told him you felt uncomfortable.
Good for you. I wish you strength for if he contacts you again and tries to convince you to change your mind. If that happens, just read over this thread again and reassure yourself you did the right thing and it was just him who was trying to gaslight you into thinking you were overreacting. YOU WEREN'T.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:13 PM on October 29, 2017 [4 favorites]
I wish you could read your update from my mid-40's female perspective. His anger is no longer your problem, in fact, his anger is always his problem.
Again, you did not have to talk over all of your reasons for breaking up - that you wanted to was enough reason. No explanation owed.
Block him from contacting you, and stay safe. I find your update a little chilling. He's likely going to ruminate and be really angry you rejected his control. Stay wary. Have a friend lined up you can call for support, and especially stay with if you need to.
If he shows up at your home or job with flowers, get into public. Consider calling the police if you can't get him to leave you aline or if he insists on going back to your apartment with you. Don't be alone with him.
And that's it. Stay safe. You did great! Congratulations. Stay strong.
posted by jbenben at 5:51 PM on October 29, 2017 [9 favorites]
Again, you did not have to talk over all of your reasons for breaking up - that you wanted to was enough reason. No explanation owed.
Block him from contacting you, and stay safe. I find your update a little chilling. He's likely going to ruminate and be really angry you rejected his control. Stay wary. Have a friend lined up you can call for support, and especially stay with if you need to.
If he shows up at your home or job with flowers, get into public. Consider calling the police if you can't get him to leave you aline or if he insists on going back to your apartment with you. Don't be alone with him.
And that's it. Stay safe. You did great! Congratulations. Stay strong.
posted by jbenben at 5:51 PM on October 29, 2017 [9 favorites]
Do you know what is actually low class and cheap? The way your ex treated you, your concerns, your interests - also yelling sexual harassment at women and then falling back on "it's just a joke!" that's cheap. Some of these things have been issues for over two years. Don't take promises of change from someone when they've had so much time to bet better.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 6:40 PM on October 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 6:40 PM on October 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
I am so proud of you! He doesn't deserve any more chances and you deserve someone who treats you as an equal. Great job and if you need to come back to this thread for more support in the next few days and weeks, I am sure so many of us would be happy to give it.
posted by augustimagination at 7:41 PM on October 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by augustimagination at 7:41 PM on October 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
I guess what I meant because I wasn't explicit is that you don't owe him anymore conversations about this failed relationship. Ever.
Use the postal service if you/he needs to return things.
posted by jbenben at 7:50 PM on October 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
Use the postal service if you/he needs to return things.
posted by jbenben at 7:50 PM on October 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
I'm glad you broke it off. Calling someone a "slut" is not funny.
posted by lazuli at 8:13 PM on October 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by lazuli at 8:13 PM on October 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
A lot of what you're saying makes me think you feel like you owe this guy a relationship with you.
You don't. You don't owe him that at all. You are not at ALL an asshole for breaking up with someone who acts the way he has acted. There are so many people out there who will never have to be told that it's shitty to call their girlfriend cheap or to throw a tantrum over them wearing beachwear to the beach - because they respect their girlfriends enough to never do that.
You didn't even owe him all the reasons it sounds like you gave him for why you broke up with him. Based on how he responded I hope you can see that he wasn't AT ALL listening because he wanted to understand your perspective - he simply wanted to know what he needed to say to convince you that your thoughts and feelings were incorrect.
Your thoughts and feelings are not incorrect.
Please reread chiquitita's comment about the many different ways he's likely to come at you now - compliments, threats, promises to change, the whole gamut. As she said, his material is predictable and insincere, so please don't fall for it. You did a VERY GOOD thing by breaking up with him, please follow that up by going no contact and keeping yourself safe. We're all rooting for you!
posted by DingoMutt at 8:42 PM on October 29, 2017 [7 favorites]
You don't. You don't owe him that at all. You are not at ALL an asshole for breaking up with someone who acts the way he has acted. There are so many people out there who will never have to be told that it's shitty to call their girlfriend cheap or to throw a tantrum over them wearing beachwear to the beach - because they respect their girlfriends enough to never do that.
You didn't even owe him all the reasons it sounds like you gave him for why you broke up with him. Based on how he responded I hope you can see that he wasn't AT ALL listening because he wanted to understand your perspective - he simply wanted to know what he needed to say to convince you that your thoughts and feelings were incorrect.
Your thoughts and feelings are not incorrect.
Please reread chiquitita's comment about the many different ways he's likely to come at you now - compliments, threats, promises to change, the whole gamut. As she said, his material is predictable and insincere, so please don't fall for it. You did a VERY GOOD thing by breaking up with him, please follow that up by going no contact and keeping yourself safe. We're all rooting for you!
posted by DingoMutt at 8:42 PM on October 29, 2017 [7 favorites]
Also, of the two of you, who is more likely to have ANY idea whatsoever of how it feels to be called "slut," and whether or not that woman felt complimented? You - an actual, real-life woman who understands that even being called "cheap" by your own boyfriend hurts (of course!) - or him?
Of course that woman did not feel flattered, or think he was funny.
Fuck that guy. Fuck him for treating women like that, and fuck him for making you doubt your own knowledge and experience.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:49 PM on October 29, 2017 [5 favorites]
Of course that woman did not feel flattered, or think he was funny.
Fuck that guy. Fuck him for treating women like that, and fuck him for making you doubt your own knowledge and experience.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:49 PM on October 29, 2017 [5 favorites]
Congrats and kudos to you!! It is a relief to hear back from you (we were worried).
Do NOT go back again. I say this as someone who is usually hands-off about people's personal lives.
Thanks for the support. It was actually so much harder than I thought. I don't think I've ever seen him so sad and I feel like such an asshole. I am also having massive doubts about this decision right now.
OP, this makes me want to send you a big virtual "Waaake uuupp!!" (in the nicest voice possible). Any one of the issues you listed about this guy would have been enough to certify him as an asshole. Spend some time without him, and it'll become clearer what a terrible package this guy was.
He said that it might only be me who found that rude and that maybe that woman was even flattered (I doubt that).
Dude, have you seen any of the mega-threads on the blue within the past month about how much of a big ugly problem harassment/misogyny is?!?! Do you really want to be associated with a source of such terribleness?
I only hope that these doubts I have right now will go away soon.
I hope you stay safe. Maybe after some time, this will just be a "Can you believe this happened in my life?" kind of story you laugh over with friends.
posted by Sockin'inthefreeworld at 10:25 PM on October 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
Do NOT go back again. I say this as someone who is usually hands-off about people's personal lives.
Thanks for the support. It was actually so much harder than I thought. I don't think I've ever seen him so sad and I feel like such an asshole. I am also having massive doubts about this decision right now.
OP, this makes me want to send you a big virtual "Waaake uuupp!!" (in the nicest voice possible). Any one of the issues you listed about this guy would have been enough to certify him as an asshole. Spend some time without him, and it'll become clearer what a terrible package this guy was.
He said that it might only be me who found that rude and that maybe that woman was even flattered (I doubt that).
Dude, have you seen any of the mega-threads on the blue within the past month about how much of a big ugly problem harassment/misogyny is?!?! Do you really want to be associated with a source of such terribleness?
I only hope that these doubts I have right now will go away soon.
I hope you stay safe. Maybe after some time, this will just be a "Can you believe this happened in my life?" kind of story you laugh over with friends.
posted by Sockin'inthefreeworld at 10:25 PM on October 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'm so impressed with you for breaking things off. I was in a somewhat similar relationship as this when I was younger and did not have the strength you showed. I stayed way longer than I should have and it's one of my greatest regrets in life. Well done for doing better than that. Seriously I'm so impressed. I'm really glad you're not going to have to deal with this guy trying to control you while belittling women anymore.
posted by hazyjane at 11:36 PM on October 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by hazyjane at 11:36 PM on October 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
its pretty natural to feel like an asshole after dumping someone you've known for years, despite the quality of the relationship - you have a big heart , and you don't take pleasure in causing anyone to feel bad or hurt. and contrary to how you're feeling right now, that's actually a massively good thing. yaay for compassionate peeps!
try to remind yourself that ending things so everyone involved is happy and relieved is probably right up there with unicorns and stuff. you stood up for your values, your boundaries and yourself. and i have a feeling, that since you might not yet be entirely used to it, is why it feels uncomfortable. it gets easier. or you get more used to it.
and yeah, he might (prob will be) be in contact and try to woo you back (he knows your Achilles's heel is your heartmeats), but give yourself the opportunity to explore life on your terms. its pretty exhilarating and scary as fuck. and so worth it. take care + keep kicking ass.
posted by speakeasy at 12:58 AM on October 30, 2017 [2 favorites]
try to remind yourself that ending things so everyone involved is happy and relieved is probably right up there with unicorns and stuff. you stood up for your values, your boundaries and yourself. and i have a feeling, that since you might not yet be entirely used to it, is why it feels uncomfortable. it gets easier. or you get more used to it.
and yeah, he might (prob will be) be in contact and try to woo you back (he knows your Achilles's heel is your heartmeats), but give yourself the opportunity to explore life on your terms. its pretty exhilarating and scary as fuck. and so worth it. take care + keep kicking ass.
posted by speakeasy at 12:58 AM on October 30, 2017 [2 favorites]
Good for you!!! I know it's hard but you definitely did the right thing.
Remember - even if he was a great guy in every way, it would not be a mistake for you to break up with him if that's what you wanted to do.
This guy would have given you years of embarrassing moments at best. You can do better.
posted by bunderful at 6:00 AM on October 30, 2017
Remember - even if he was a great guy in every way, it would not be a mistake for you to break up with him if that's what you wanted to do.
This guy would have given you years of embarrassing moments at best. You can do better.
posted by bunderful at 6:00 AM on October 30, 2017
You don't owe him a second chance. You've given him 3 years of your life already. There's no need to feel guilty. He is not the right guy for anyone and you know it.
If you need a reminder not to reengage, picture yourself next summer, on the beach, women around you. Imagine this dope next to you too. How scared are you that he ll say something shitty and demeaning. There's a 100% chance he will, because there's something garbage inside him that you cannot fix.
Stay strong! Do not reengage.
posted by charlielxxv at 7:34 AM on October 30, 2017 [2 favorites]
If you need a reminder not to reengage, picture yourself next summer, on the beach, women around you. Imagine this dope next to you too. How scared are you that he ll say something shitty and demeaning. There's a 100% chance he will, because there's something garbage inside him that you cannot fix.
Stay strong! Do not reengage.
posted by charlielxxv at 7:34 AM on October 30, 2017 [2 favorites]
Yeahhhh harassing strangers on the street is 100% not normal, cool, a compliment, or a good thing in any form or fashion. It is roughly equivalent to yelling racial slurs. At strangers.
Stay strong! You did the right thing.
posted by Jacen at 1:34 PM on October 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
Stay strong! You did the right thing.
posted by Jacen at 1:34 PM on October 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
Stay strong, friend. I am so proud of you.
And if you don't stay strong it's ok to come ask more questions. I went back so many times and each time I felt ashamed and like I had cut off access to a community because I had told them I had left and they were proud, and then I crawled back to the guy and didn't want them to tell me I deserved whatever I got after that. This is a common feeling. It's part of how abuse works. The average woman leaves seven times before it sticks. I beat the odds and you can too, but part of why we go back and then have trouble getting out again is the dynamic that is integral to the abusive situation.
One thing I suggest that helped me is take a notebook and write down every thing he did that was mean or hurtful or wrong as you remember it. I know you didn't share all the examples with him or us. Every bad feeling, every "that was weird," every "oh no why did this argument start" memory..... No matter how old your memory of it is. When you think of a new thing, add it.
Then, when you feel sad or bad, and like you should give him another chance? Read your notes. He's had more than enough opportunity already. And now you're free.
Take care of yourself.
posted by sockermom at 7:39 PM on November 4, 2017 [4 favorites]
And if you don't stay strong it's ok to come ask more questions. I went back so many times and each time I felt ashamed and like I had cut off access to a community because I had told them I had left and they were proud, and then I crawled back to the guy and didn't want them to tell me I deserved whatever I got after that. This is a common feeling. It's part of how abuse works. The average woman leaves seven times before it sticks. I beat the odds and you can too, but part of why we go back and then have trouble getting out again is the dynamic that is integral to the abusive situation.
One thing I suggest that helped me is take a notebook and write down every thing he did that was mean or hurtful or wrong as you remember it. I know you didn't share all the examples with him or us. Every bad feeling, every "that was weird," every "oh no why did this argument start" memory..... No matter how old your memory of it is. When you think of a new thing, add it.
Then, when you feel sad or bad, and like you should give him another chance? Read your notes. He's had more than enough opportunity already. And now you're free.
Take care of yourself.
posted by sockermom at 7:39 PM on November 4, 2017 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by FritoKAL at 6:22 PM on October 27, 2017 [87 favorites]