Friend wants to date me, I don't. Should I keep some distance?
October 24, 2017 9:59 PM Subscribe
About a week ago, a friend, told me that he has fallen in love with me and would like to date. My gut tells me that it's best for me to go incommunicado for awhile, is that the right thing to do? More details after the jump.
We met about two years ago at a mutual acquaintance's place for games that happens once, twice a month. We didn't really hit it off, but we had similar interests and we chat a few times a month online.
His admission that he had fallen in love with me was a bit of a shock. I never felt either of us had attraction to each other. When we chat, we are open and do share what's going on in each other's lives, and we do support each other during tough periods. It's the same thing I do with those I consider friends.
From my own experience, I think he's experiencing limerence - he says that I'm one of the few people who chats with him, shares similar interest and bothers to be an ear when he's had a bad week at work. I feel like he's placed me on a pedestal.
I explained that while I am very flattered, I am not looking, and he says he understands, and hopes that we can still continue to be friends.
What led me to write this question is that something inside me is telling me to reduce, even cut off contact with him for the time being. Why?
I have had bad experiences when I was limerent before. In fact, I did exactly what my friend did, and expressed my feelings. In my case, I was led on, used. I only recovered by cutting of all contact and regrouping with friends, as well as a solid dose of time alone. I'm projecting, but I do think time off between us would help him recover.
I'm thinking that I should speak with him, clarify things, and take some time off between us. Is this the right thing to do?
We met about two years ago at a mutual acquaintance's place for games that happens once, twice a month. We didn't really hit it off, but we had similar interests and we chat a few times a month online.
His admission that he had fallen in love with me was a bit of a shock. I never felt either of us had attraction to each other. When we chat, we are open and do share what's going on in each other's lives, and we do support each other during tough periods. It's the same thing I do with those I consider friends.
From my own experience, I think he's experiencing limerence - he says that I'm one of the few people who chats with him, shares similar interest and bothers to be an ear when he's had a bad week at work. I feel like he's placed me on a pedestal.
I explained that while I am very flattered, I am not looking, and he says he understands, and hopes that we can still continue to be friends.
What led me to write this question is that something inside me is telling me to reduce, even cut off contact with him for the time being. Why?
I have had bad experiences when I was limerent before. In fact, I did exactly what my friend did, and expressed my feelings. In my case, I was led on, used. I only recovered by cutting of all contact and regrouping with friends, as well as a solid dose of time alone. I'm projecting, but I do think time off between us would help him recover.
I'm thinking that I should speak with him, clarify things, and take some time off between us. Is this the right thing to do?
Best answer: Eek. All the social politics have changed and yet, they are the same.
I think it is flaggy he has you on a pedestal. Other than that, you've already been honest! But it seems like you think he won't take your words seriously and may continue crushing on you. Do I have that right?
I vote you go with your gut. I think once you've been clear, you SHOULD be able to continue being friendly. We live in the real world, though, so you do whatever feels right, kind, and SAFE. As in, within your boundaries and safest for you. Dig me?
posted by jbenben at 10:29 PM on October 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
I think it is flaggy he has you on a pedestal. Other than that, you've already been honest! But it seems like you think he won't take your words seriously and may continue crushing on you. Do I have that right?
I vote you go with your gut. I think once you've been clear, you SHOULD be able to continue being friendly. We live in the real world, though, so you do whatever feels right, kind, and SAFE. As in, within your boundaries and safest for you. Dig me?
posted by jbenben at 10:29 PM on October 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
This is always a hard situation yet a somewhat common one. Two people of the opposite sex are friends. One thinks they're just friends and the other has feelings beyond that. First, just know it was probably very hard for your friend to admit his feelings to you. Second, he's probably feeling uncomfortable about things between the two of you since he told you how he feels. Now as far as where things go from here...it's gonna be awkward at first for a bit. I wouldn't be surprised if he to wants to take a break from communicating. One big question you need to answer here is how much do you value this friendship? If you value it a lot then continue communicating with him as normal if he's ok with that. Obviously you're feeling awkward about things. Seems to me like you may not be into the friendship. I feel like if you thought of him as a decent friend your instinct would be to try moving past this by just being friends like you were before. It's ok if you don't wanna continue to be friends. Just be honest with this guy. Have the courtesy to talk to him face to face so he can have some closure if the friendship is coming to an end. Or if you wanna stay friends then take it slow but no need to completely cut communicating unless he wants to. At the end of the day his revealing he has feelings for you may have made it so things can't ever go back to how they were before. Tough to say. First decide if you wanna even try staying friends and go from there.
posted by ljs30 at 10:30 PM on October 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by ljs30 at 10:30 PM on October 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
Nthing trust your gut. I had someone I had let know that I wasn't interested refuse to back off after telling me he would do so, then majorly overreact when I put my foot down and told him that I wanted the declarations of love to stop.
posted by brujita at 10:45 PM on October 24, 2017
posted by brujita at 10:45 PM on October 24, 2017
Cutting off contact for awhile done in a kind way might be the best thing. He needs to get over this crush and that's not gonna happen while you're still the only person he knows being nice to him. It's just going to fester. I'd say something like hey I'm glad that you told me this but I don't feel the same way. I want to still be friends but if you'd like to take some time to not be in contact I completely understand.
posted by bleep at 10:46 PM on October 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by bleep at 10:46 PM on October 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
Also some kinds of people are only nice and supportive friends to the gender they're attracted to until a relationship happens or doesn't happen. It's possible that's what was going on and the friendship might be already over.
posted by bleep at 10:48 PM on October 24, 2017 [15 favorites]
posted by bleep at 10:48 PM on October 24, 2017 [15 favorites]
From my own experience, I think he's experiencing limerence - he says that I'm one of the few people who chats with him, shares similar interest and bothers to be an ear when he's had a bad week at work. I feel like he's placed me on a pedestal.
This seems really dismissive of this person's feelings. I mean, obviously I don't know either of you, but why can't you believe that he really does love you, you don't feel the same way.
posted by Violet Hour at 11:18 PM on October 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
This seems really dismissive of this person's feelings. I mean, obviously I don't know either of you, but why can't you believe that he really does love you, you don't feel the same way.
posted by Violet Hour at 11:18 PM on October 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
Don’t cut him off now. Tell him you won’t be accommodating his romantic interest, but would like to stay friends. Accept he may cut you off, and be willing to cut him off if he can’t accept your decision gracefully.
posted by MattD at 11:39 PM on October 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by MattD at 11:39 PM on October 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I think your assessment of the situation sounds very aware and experienced.
If you don‘t want to straight off friend dump him you could dial back the friendship to make it less nurturing. You‘re filling the girlfriend slot in his social interactions right now - talking about feelings, being supportive, sharing ups and downs. Try not doing that anymore - let him be the friend you talk to about shared interests/games and nothing more. Redirect any more personal conversations. Talk less often.
To be clear, I vote go with your gut. But if you don‘t want to nuke things right now, dialing it down IS an option.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:47 PM on October 24, 2017 [17 favorites]
If you don‘t want to straight off friend dump him you could dial back the friendship to make it less nurturing. You‘re filling the girlfriend slot in his social interactions right now - talking about feelings, being supportive, sharing ups and downs. Try not doing that anymore - let him be the friend you talk to about shared interests/games and nothing more. Redirect any more personal conversations. Talk less often.
To be clear, I vote go with your gut. But if you don‘t want to nuke things right now, dialing it down IS an option.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:47 PM on October 24, 2017 [17 favorites]
I'm thinking that I should speak with him, clarify things, and take some time off between us. Is this the right thing to do?
No need to clarify anything. (Honestly, what would you even say that hasn't been said?) Just sloowwwww fade. Become busy. Don't reply to things.
Trust your gut. If he accepts the slow fade then perhaps after time has passed you can become close again and give him a chance to let his feelings dissipate. That means he may respect you and your feelings more.
Yet in situations where this type of thing has happened to me, then they become even creepier, obsessive, and harassing after dealing with the rejection and the lack of communication. To me it feels like they want to still "get off" on the crush by maintaining the relationship and keeping the flame burning in their mind. That might answer your "why" as to why you want distance. Because it's hard to continue to talk to him thinking he's in love with what you say and do and may misinterpret those things as more than friendship.
Also, I would be much less concerned if he asked for a date, but to say he loves you? Nah. He doesn't know you in a romantic way to love you.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:10 AM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
No need to clarify anything. (Honestly, what would you even say that hasn't been said?) Just sloowwwww fade. Become busy. Don't reply to things.
Trust your gut. If he accepts the slow fade then perhaps after time has passed you can become close again and give him a chance to let his feelings dissipate. That means he may respect you and your feelings more.
Yet in situations where this type of thing has happened to me, then they become even creepier, obsessive, and harassing after dealing with the rejection and the lack of communication. To me it feels like they want to still "get off" on the crush by maintaining the relationship and keeping the flame burning in their mind. That might answer your "why" as to why you want distance. Because it's hard to continue to talk to him thinking he's in love with what you say and do and may misinterpret those things as more than friendship.
Also, I would be much less concerned if he asked for a date, but to say he loves you? Nah. He doesn't know you in a romantic way to love you.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:10 AM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
[The OP's profile identifies him as male, in case anyone's picking incorrect cues from opposite sex comments above]
I would suggest not initiating a further conversation in case your friend is mortified - let him bring it up if needed?
If you will still be interacting through your mutual friend, cutting contact will be hard and may cause unnecessary conflict. At the same time, I've been on the limerant side too, and there's nothing worse (after rejection) than the bittersweet feeling of quasi-couple activities, or being so close others read it as a couple.
Can you avoid ambiguous one-to-one interactions or extremely close confidences while still being friend-friendly? If not, I'd follow Crystalinne's advice.
posted by carbide at 1:32 AM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
I would suggest not initiating a further conversation in case your friend is mortified - let him bring it up if needed?
If you will still be interacting through your mutual friend, cutting contact will be hard and may cause unnecessary conflict. At the same time, I've been on the limerant side too, and there's nothing worse (after rejection) than the bittersweet feeling of quasi-couple activities, or being so close others read it as a couple.
Can you avoid ambiguous one-to-one interactions or extremely close confidences while still being friend-friendly? If not, I'd follow Crystalinne's advice.
posted by carbide at 1:32 AM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
From my experience, the difficulty here is that your friend, regardless of what you may believe is the reasoning or history of his current feelings, has slotted his emotion as being "love" so any interactions from this point on are going to be informed by that. This is no longer simply a friendly relationship since, for him, there is a greater emotional weight being put on the interactions than you can reciprocate. This creates an imbalance between the two of you which can lead to difficulties, though that isn't an absolute or guarantee.
The question becomes what is it that each of you want and expect from the other and can a balance be found that satisfies both of you without undue emotional difficulties? Continuing the relationship as if nothing has changed can sometimes suggest to the other person a willingness to consider the feelings as open to further examination, which can keep those feelings from dissipating as the love felt is receiving regular, though unintended maintenance through interaction. That can become deeply uncomfortable and unhealthy for both parties should it go that route.
On the other hand, if the feelings are of a lighter or more transitory nature or if some balance can be found where you can accept his greater emotional involvement without feeling constrained or burdened, then a relationship can still be maintained as "friends" even as he may continue to yearn for something more for an unknown length of time.
Dialing back the relationship is undoubtedly the safer, less burdened choice here, and would be recommended if your connection to this other person wasn't all that strong to begin with on your part. If there is a deeper feeling of mutual benefit and need, even if not love, than trying to continue a close friendship can sometimes work if both people are willing to invest themselves in thinking about the relationship as a thing instead of a casual acquaintanceship that can be taken for granted without reflection. It depends on your interest and level of activities with your friend and their maturity in dealing with an imbalanced relationship. Some can handle that, some can't. The "cans" are great, but the "can'ts" can be a real problem.
posted by gusottertrout at 2:15 AM on October 25, 2017
The question becomes what is it that each of you want and expect from the other and can a balance be found that satisfies both of you without undue emotional difficulties? Continuing the relationship as if nothing has changed can sometimes suggest to the other person a willingness to consider the feelings as open to further examination, which can keep those feelings from dissipating as the love felt is receiving regular, though unintended maintenance through interaction. That can become deeply uncomfortable and unhealthy for both parties should it go that route.
On the other hand, if the feelings are of a lighter or more transitory nature or if some balance can be found where you can accept his greater emotional involvement without feeling constrained or burdened, then a relationship can still be maintained as "friends" even as he may continue to yearn for something more for an unknown length of time.
Dialing back the relationship is undoubtedly the safer, less burdened choice here, and would be recommended if your connection to this other person wasn't all that strong to begin with on your part. If there is a deeper feeling of mutual benefit and need, even if not love, than trying to continue a close friendship can sometimes work if both people are willing to invest themselves in thinking about the relationship as a thing instead of a casual acquaintanceship that can be taken for granted without reflection. It depends on your interest and level of activities with your friend and their maturity in dealing with an imbalanced relationship. Some can handle that, some can't. The "cans" are great, but the "can'ts" can be a real problem.
posted by gusottertrout at 2:15 AM on October 25, 2017
Your question is posed as "what is best for him?" The answer to that is, let him decide what is best for him. (Unless his decision is to keep bugging you for dates that you don't want, or otherwise acting badly towards you.) He can decide whether he wants to try to continue friendship or whether he does not.
Now if your question is really "what is best for me," I think that depends on what you want, but you didn't give any clues about that in your question.
posted by sheldman at 4:56 AM on October 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
Now if your question is really "what is best for me," I think that depends on what you want, but you didn't give any clues about that in your question.
posted by sheldman at 4:56 AM on October 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
I'm projecting, but I do think time off between us would help him recover.
He doesn't need your help to recover.
I'm thinking that I should speak with him, clarify things
What is there to clarify? He asked; you said no; he said ok, friends then. Take him at his word. If he asks again or breaks the "friend" barrier then all bets are off.
But unless/until that happens, there is nothing to clarify. Engaging him again about the same thing would only add/prolong the drama and unwelcome attention, not reduce/end it.
It is unwelcome, right?
posted by headnsouth at 5:12 AM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
He doesn't need your help to recover.
I'm thinking that I should speak with him, clarify things
What is there to clarify? He asked; you said no; he said ok, friends then. Take him at his word. If he asks again or breaks the "friend" barrier then all bets are off.
But unless/until that happens, there is nothing to clarify. Engaging him again about the same thing would only add/prolong the drama and unwelcome attention, not reduce/end it.
It is unwelcome, right?
posted by headnsouth at 5:12 AM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
If you want to be nice, see if you can maintain the friendship more or less as-is. What kind of person is he, in your estimation? Some people are all, "whoops, I've been rejected, must deeply bury feelings because it's awkward now" and will be, if anything, extra polite. Some people...not.
A concern I have: Telling someone that you've fallen "in love" with them when you don't know them very well and have not dated them is usually a sign of inexperience and over-investment -
it puts more burden on them than "I have a crush on you" or "want to go on a date" and that usually means that the person isn't good at thinking about how others are likely to react. And feeling like you "love" someone from casual chats and periodic interaction often means that you are either quite young, don't have a lot of emotional experience or have some alarming ideas about women.
I guess if this were me and I didn't have specific concrete reasons to feel like the guy was going to be creepy or inappropriately mopey, I'd try continuing my interactions with him on an "as usual" basis. The odds aren't necessarily good, but I've maintained friendships with a couple of people I didn't date, and I've maintained friendships with a couple of people who chose not to date me. (Totally missing out, of course.)
posted by Frowner at 6:32 AM on October 25, 2017
A concern I have: Telling someone that you've fallen "in love" with them when you don't know them very well and have not dated them is usually a sign of inexperience and over-investment -
it puts more burden on them than "I have a crush on you" or "want to go on a date" and that usually means that the person isn't good at thinking about how others are likely to react. And feeling like you "love" someone from casual chats and periodic interaction often means that you are either quite young, don't have a lot of emotional experience or have some alarming ideas about women.
I guess if this were me and I didn't have specific concrete reasons to feel like the guy was going to be creepy or inappropriately mopey, I'd try continuing my interactions with him on an "as usual" basis. The odds aren't necessarily good, but I've maintained friendships with a couple of people I didn't date, and I've maintained friendships with a couple of people who chose not to date me. (Totally missing out, of course.)
posted by Frowner at 6:32 AM on October 25, 2017
In my experience: drop him. Nobody ever got over a crush by continuing to hang out with the person they wanted to boink. Even if you've told him no, the fact that you're still hanging out with him will still seem to "lead him on." Even if you don't want to be leading him on and aren't flirting with them or doing anything, somehow it still seems to happen in their brains.
"he says that I'm one of the few people who chats with him, shares similar interest and bothers to be an ear when he's had a bad week at work."
That's the problem: he's lonely and you're one of the few people who pays attention to him, so he's developed a crush. You're emotionally fueling him up. I hate to be this mean about it and tell him he just has to be lonely and sad, but... again, nobody ever got over a crush by continuing to hang out with the person they wanted to boink.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:04 AM on October 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
"he says that I'm one of the few people who chats with him, shares similar interest and bothers to be an ear when he's had a bad week at work."
That's the problem: he's lonely and you're one of the few people who pays attention to him, so he's developed a crush. You're emotionally fueling him up. I hate to be this mean about it and tell him he just has to be lonely and sad, but... again, nobody ever got over a crush by continuing to hang out with the person they wanted to boink.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:04 AM on October 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
That's the problem: he's lonely and you're one of the few people who pays attention to him, so he's developed a crush...again, nobody ever got over a crush by continuing to hang out with the person they wanted to boink.
I think this is spot on.
This has happened to me and the best thing is to give some distance. They can't emotionally disinvest if they're always spending time with you--even if they're a great guy, don't believe in the "friendzone" bullshit, and "know" intellectually that it will go nowhere... emotions don't obey.
I don't believe that ending the friendship is always necessary. I think it depends on the person. But at the very minimum, you need to back off of the friendship. Stop hanging out one-on-one. Stop spending a lot of time together (online or in person). Take some time off if you think that's a good idea--and it probably is. Don't frame it as "dumping" him or "ending" the friendship, but of putting a pause on it to give him some time to develop relationships with other people.
Even if you were romantically interested in him, it can be miserable to be the sole social outlet for a person.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 8:20 AM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
I think this is spot on.
This has happened to me and the best thing is to give some distance. They can't emotionally disinvest if they're always spending time with you--even if they're a great guy, don't believe in the "friendzone" bullshit, and "know" intellectually that it will go nowhere... emotions don't obey.
I don't believe that ending the friendship is always necessary. I think it depends on the person. But at the very minimum, you need to back off of the friendship. Stop hanging out one-on-one. Stop spending a lot of time together (online or in person). Take some time off if you think that's a good idea--and it probably is. Don't frame it as "dumping" him or "ending" the friendship, but of putting a pause on it to give him some time to develop relationships with other people.
Even if you were romantically interested in him, it can be miserable to be the sole social outlet for a person.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 8:20 AM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
A lot of my friendships have started as crushes, and I did get over them without having to cut off all contact. There's a tendency in our culture to be all "FEELINGS! MUST DISENGAGE AND ISOLATE!" but that's really not the only way to deal with unwanted feelings. I would let him take the lead in terms of future contact; he's an adult who gets to decide what's going to be best for him. If he acts in ways that violate your boundaries, then you get to decide how to handle that, but you're not responsible for managing his feelings right now (other than being polite and respectful).
[The OP's profile identifies him as male, in case anyone's picking incorrect cues from opposite sex comments above]
Yes, and there's an "lgbt" tag on the question.
posted by lazuli at 8:29 AM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
[The OP's profile identifies him as male, in case anyone's picking incorrect cues from opposite sex comments above]
Yes, and there's an "lgbt" tag on the question.
posted by lazuli at 8:29 AM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: HI folks!
Many thanks for taking the time to respond! I did a quick read of the answers and must say several bring up considerations I had not considered. I'll have to re-read them after work and decide what I should do. Thanks again!
posted by TrinsicWS at 9:43 AM on October 25, 2017
Many thanks for taking the time to respond! I did a quick read of the answers and must say several bring up considerations I had not considered. I'll have to re-read them after work and decide what I should do. Thanks again!
posted by TrinsicWS at 9:43 AM on October 25, 2017
I think cutting all contact is a bit harsh. It implies that not only are you not interested, you are horrified at the mere thought. I would just back off a bit, be careful not to lead him on or say anything about your love life in front of him.
posted by intensitymultiply at 5:20 PM on October 27, 2017
posted by intensitymultiply at 5:20 PM on October 27, 2017
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