Fake it till you make it, low self-esteem edition
October 24, 2017 8:08 PM Subscribe
I am on the academic job market this year (humanities). I have also begun therapy this past summer to address my long-term anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, which have roots in my family's dynamic. I need to show confidence and composure for interviews and at conferences. It takes all of my energy. I would love ideas and resources to better "fake it" at least to get through the next month.
I have a debilitating amount of insecurities about my ability, my work, my skills, even though by all accounts I am a very strong candidate on the market. My mentors (who are authority figures in the field) have been extremely kind and supportive, knowing some of my internal toils, and have assured me that I am not the piece of s**t I think I am.
So this is isn't really about building my credentials or having a reality check with someone who knows better; at least not anymore. I know my perception of myself is skewed. I just don't know how to un-skew, or at least pretend to un-skew.
My relationship with my family came to a breaking point this past summer, and I've been in therapy since July. From therapy I am realizing that a lot of how I see myself has to do with my family and childhood (I was beaten;a hypercritical mother; being queer and gender non-normative in a relatively conservative town). I also understand there are structural reasons for me to feel insecure as a small, queer woman POC who speaks English with a discernible accent in academia. I can explain why I feel the way I do, I just can't stop or contain those feelings when I need to.
I worry about not being able to contain my insecurities, and I worry about being exposed as an imposter and dissapoint all the people whose approval I desperately want have. This anxiety-- and probably some subconscious desire to harm myself-- makes it very difficult to sleep and eat enough to look healthy. I look terrible and am prone to crying spells. And then I worry about looking sick or bursting into tears at conferences. I feel like this is a viscious cycle and would like it to stop.
Therapy has been really helpful for me to understand and process these things and these fears, but it's working so slowly, and I feel like I need more help than that right now. I would love to hear from anyone dealing with these things during high stress seasons at work. I would also love to hear from folks in academia about their experience (or lack thereof) with these feelings.
I have a debilitating amount of insecurities about my ability, my work, my skills, even though by all accounts I am a very strong candidate on the market. My mentors (who are authority figures in the field) have been extremely kind and supportive, knowing some of my internal toils, and have assured me that I am not the piece of s**t I think I am.
So this is isn't really about building my credentials or having a reality check with someone who knows better; at least not anymore. I know my perception of myself is skewed. I just don't know how to un-skew, or at least pretend to un-skew.
My relationship with my family came to a breaking point this past summer, and I've been in therapy since July. From therapy I am realizing that a lot of how I see myself has to do with my family and childhood (I was beaten;a hypercritical mother; being queer and gender non-normative in a relatively conservative town). I also understand there are structural reasons for me to feel insecure as a small, queer woman POC who speaks English with a discernible accent in academia. I can explain why I feel the way I do, I just can't stop or contain those feelings when I need to.
I worry about not being able to contain my insecurities, and I worry about being exposed as an imposter and dissapoint all the people whose approval I desperately want have. This anxiety-- and probably some subconscious desire to harm myself-- makes it very difficult to sleep and eat enough to look healthy. I look terrible and am prone to crying spells. And then I worry about looking sick or bursting into tears at conferences. I feel like this is a viscious cycle and would like it to stop.
Therapy has been really helpful for me to understand and process these things and these fears, but it's working so slowly, and I feel like I need more help than that right now. I would love to hear from anyone dealing with these things during high stress seasons at work. I would also love to hear from folks in academia about their experience (or lack thereof) with these feelings.
I'm sorry you're going through this - feeling like an imposter combined with trauma is such a challenge (and I can unfortunately sympathize, so I absolutely know how hard this can be).
The way I managed to get past this for interviews at least is to practice how you'll answer any and all possible interview questions. Prepare the same way you would for a presentation - the key is to let the rehearsed phrases come out faster than your inner critic can.
And if things do come out, that's ok too! Being vulnerable can lead to good things too and benign open about eg why you're randomly crying can help others open up about their struggles too. And if not, there's always the next conference or group.
Good luck!
posted by A hidden well at 9:42 PM on October 24, 2017
The way I managed to get past this for interviews at least is to practice how you'll answer any and all possible interview questions. Prepare the same way you would for a presentation - the key is to let the rehearsed phrases come out faster than your inner critic can.
And if things do come out, that's ok too! Being vulnerable can lead to good things too and benign open about eg why you're randomly crying can help others open up about their struggles too. And if not, there's always the next conference or group.
Good luck!
posted by A hidden well at 9:42 PM on October 24, 2017
Two things. First, Superhero Poses in the toilets before interviews. Google it, it temporarily boosts your testosterone (for women too) and lowers your stress hormone, cortisol. Secondly, run it out to its extreme. Let's say they like your cv, ask you to interview, like what you have to say, like your work, talk to your references and are pleased and then hire you. If you're not able for the job at that point it's kinda their own damn fault no? So run that out too, you aren't up for the job. You're dreadful in fact. You aren't operating on people or selling things that can explode or whatever so after a while they just say "this isn't working" and you are quietly let go. You're in no worse position than you are in now. You've something fresh to put on your cv, you've earned a little money, and you know that this isn't as good a fit as you thought. Life is learning. Be kind to yourself and enjoy opportunities as they are offered. Embrace "radical yes"!and let other people be the ones who have to say no.
posted by Iteki at 9:56 PM on October 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Iteki at 9:56 PM on October 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
I find it helpful to think of myself like I would a friend. What would I do for someone with emotionally intense feelings of insecurity who is trying to get a job in academia? Without expecting her to be “over it?” What’s possible in The present? I find myself way less judgmental of his hypothetical friend than I am of myself.
I had a PhD mental health nadir and it was freaking awful, so big sympathy for your struggle! It seems like many academics are skilled at making a good impression even when they are jerks IRL, so hopefully those of us who can be messes sometimes can also pull it off.
Specific suggestions:
Make yourself a written list of verifiable reasons that you are a good candidate. When you come up with ways to discount those reasons, ask for help from mentors and colleagues with reality checks. Consult the list when you’re spiraling into anxiety.
Set yourself up for success: when you schedule interviews (I assume they are usually multi-day travel interviews like in my field), ask for some down time in your schedule (if that’s something you’d benefit from). You can straight up ask for it (“Can you set aside an hour after lunch for me to recharge?”). You’re a catch, and you’d like to work somewhere that will advance your well-being, so it’s a good time to get familiar with their culture.
Talk with other peers who’ve done these kind of interviews, especially about things that blind-sided them. I respond better to prejudiced questions when I know they’re a possibility,
YMMV with those specific ideas, but successful academic job searches have been completed by struggling people. I’d bet you can do it.
posted by manduca at 10:00 PM on October 24, 2017
I had a PhD mental health nadir and it was freaking awful, so big sympathy for your struggle! It seems like many academics are skilled at making a good impression even when they are jerks IRL, so hopefully those of us who can be messes sometimes can also pull it off.
Specific suggestions:
Make yourself a written list of verifiable reasons that you are a good candidate. When you come up with ways to discount those reasons, ask for help from mentors and colleagues with reality checks. Consult the list when you’re spiraling into anxiety.
Set yourself up for success: when you schedule interviews (I assume they are usually multi-day travel interviews like in my field), ask for some down time in your schedule (if that’s something you’d benefit from). You can straight up ask for it (“Can you set aside an hour after lunch for me to recharge?”). You’re a catch, and you’d like to work somewhere that will advance your well-being, so it’s a good time to get familiar with their culture.
Talk with other peers who’ve done these kind of interviews, especially about things that blind-sided them. I respond better to prejudiced questions when I know they’re a possibility,
YMMV with those specific ideas, but successful academic job searches have been completed by struggling people. I’d bet you can do it.
posted by manduca at 10:00 PM on October 24, 2017
Also, yes, practice the hell out of questions, especially sensitive questions you might get upset over. And choose your own narrative. We once asked a woman to tell about a conflict in the workplace and it set her off on a long story about workplace bullying by a boss and she ended up in tears. She could have prepared an anecdote about a time she and a colleague wanted to approach a task from different angles. Steer the narrative and remember, you are interviewing them equally
posted by Iteki at 10:00 PM on October 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Iteki at 10:00 PM on October 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
I love what flourpot said, above, about the fact that if they bring you to campus they already think you're something special--and, in most instances, they want you to succeed at that interview and blow them away with your knowledge and skills. I've also been in interviews where they obviously already had a candidate in mind, and--well, just screw them. You are literally a commodity, a hot commodity, on the market, which is a really pleasant term for a process that sometimes can feel like you have absolutely no value or leverage at all.
As for telling your own story, in your case, the academic version of that is probably going to be showing your expertise in the field. So, prepare yourself to publicly be an expert. If that's poses in the bathroom, OK. If it's re-reading a dissertation chapter or re-visiting your comps list, OK. But remember: you're the expert in what you do. In many interviews, you'll be the only expert in what you do in the room.
As for family stuff, is it possible to use those experiences as a source of strength during the span of your interview? What if you turn that into a narrative of, "I am an expert. I am at the top of the field and succeeded in spite of all these challenges thrown before me." Heck, you might even want to remind yourself (silently, in the back of your brain) that you're possibly stronger than anyone else in that interview room/job talk room/etc.
posted by Miss T.Horn at 6:00 AM on October 25, 2017
As for telling your own story, in your case, the academic version of that is probably going to be showing your expertise in the field. So, prepare yourself to publicly be an expert. If that's poses in the bathroom, OK. If it's re-reading a dissertation chapter or re-visiting your comps list, OK. But remember: you're the expert in what you do. In many interviews, you'll be the only expert in what you do in the room.
As for family stuff, is it possible to use those experiences as a source of strength during the span of your interview? What if you turn that into a narrative of, "I am an expert. I am at the top of the field and succeeded in spite of all these challenges thrown before me." Heck, you might even want to remind yourself (silently, in the back of your brain) that you're possibly stronger than anyone else in that interview room/job talk room/etc.
posted by Miss T.Horn at 6:00 AM on October 25, 2017
What worked for me in similar circumstances was to recite a mantra: "I don't need your job, and what's more I'm not sure I want to work with you." That reminded me that I was at choice as well. It wasn't just a matter of them liking me well enough to hire me; I was also interviewing them to decide if I wanted to grace them with my presence.
posted by DrGail at 6:03 AM on October 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by DrGail at 6:03 AM on October 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
One thing about academia is that at this point you have knowledge and maybe theoretical positions that no one else in the room does, even if they're in your field. You are, in actuality, the expert in the room about at least some of what you're working on. This isn't going to be a test about whether or not you know your stuff. It's going to be a chance for you to talk about what you do and what you want to do, and a chance for them to think about how that fits with the direction they envision for their department. (You could be clearly brilliant but still not fit whatever it is they're looking for.)
Basically, see if it helps you to think about this as less of a referendum about you, and more an opportunity to talk with potential colleagues and spread awareness of your own research a little.
posted by trig at 6:11 AM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Basically, see if it helps you to think about this as less of a referendum about you, and more an opportunity to talk with potential colleagues and spread awareness of your own research a little.
posted by trig at 6:11 AM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
In addition to all the good advice above, are you doing a mock job talk in your department? I have been to a bunch of these despite being only academic-adjacent. Since you say your advisors and mentors are supportive, this is a good way to pregame a little. You might find it a helpful way to envision the rooms you will be entering.
Agree that once you get the campus visit you have been vetted as someone whose work is interesting and potentially a good fit for that department. At that point you should be thinking about whether they are a good fit for you. Best of luck in this awful process (my partner is doing their third cycle on the market this year - solidarity!!)
posted by Lawn Beaver at 7:17 AM on October 25, 2017
Agree that once you get the campus visit you have been vetted as someone whose work is interesting and potentially a good fit for that department. At that point you should be thinking about whether they are a good fit for you. Best of luck in this awful process (my partner is doing their third cycle on the market this year - solidarity!!)
posted by Lawn Beaver at 7:17 AM on October 25, 2017
The academic job market is a wringer in a protracted way that people who haven't experienced it can't really help you with - so make sure you have support from people who understand why you can't give them a clear answer about where you'll be working next year. Feel free to memail me. It is probably early to be worrying about campus visits and interviews, but you can keep working on making sure your job materials say exactly what you want them to, and start preparing your job talk. See if you can give it as a seminar at a brown bag lunch in your department, or something.
As far as conferences go, I like looking around and realizing that these are my peers now! Everything I say is just as valid as everything that they say, and we want to help each other do the best science we can! I've tried to make conferences feel as collaborative as possible, rather than a venue for competing with other people. If people get competitive or abrasive or rude, I try to reframe them as giving me useful experience for dealing with challenging people when I am interviewing for a real job. And, if you do cry at a conference, it's OK! Excuse yourself, wash your face, take some deep breaths, and then go back to get some free cookies and coffee.
I was ABD on the job market last year and it was so hard to separate anxiety about my dissertation from anxiety about my future, and it really didn't help when people who didn't know anything about academia would ask about job prospects. I came up with a workable analogy ("It's like you have to write really convincing letters to Santa to get him to give you a present for Christmas detailing everything good about yourself and why you are good in the exact way he rewards with presents, except at the same time 500 other people who are just as good as you are trying to get the EXACT SAME PRESENT and even if you are chosen to receive that present, it may still turn out to be coal and also located in rural North Dakota") and eventually told people that as soon as I knew what was happening, I'd let them know but PLEASE STOP ASKING.
It's hard to take time for yourself to breathe and eat and rest, but I promise that taking a few moments to reset yourself will go a long way towards staying functional. You deserve to stop thinking about work sometime. Stop refreshing your field's jobs wiki and do something fun. You deserve to have something you know you are not an imposter at. I made time for ballet class a few times a week because it was such a break from the grind of my last year of grad school/job market stress. Could I have gotten a few more things done if I hadn't taken those classes? Probably, but they wouldn't have been done particularly well because my brain would have melted. Please do feel free to send me a memail. I am a pro at commiseration!
posted by ChuraChura at 7:35 AM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
As far as conferences go, I like looking around and realizing that these are my peers now! Everything I say is just as valid as everything that they say, and we want to help each other do the best science we can! I've tried to make conferences feel as collaborative as possible, rather than a venue for competing with other people. If people get competitive or abrasive or rude, I try to reframe them as giving me useful experience for dealing with challenging people when I am interviewing for a real job. And, if you do cry at a conference, it's OK! Excuse yourself, wash your face, take some deep breaths, and then go back to get some free cookies and coffee.
I was ABD on the job market last year and it was so hard to separate anxiety about my dissertation from anxiety about my future, and it really didn't help when people who didn't know anything about academia would ask about job prospects. I came up with a workable analogy ("It's like you have to write really convincing letters to Santa to get him to give you a present for Christmas detailing everything good about yourself and why you are good in the exact way he rewards with presents, except at the same time 500 other people who are just as good as you are trying to get the EXACT SAME PRESENT and even if you are chosen to receive that present, it may still turn out to be coal and also located in rural North Dakota") and eventually told people that as soon as I knew what was happening, I'd let them know but PLEASE STOP ASKING.
It's hard to take time for yourself to breathe and eat and rest, but I promise that taking a few moments to reset yourself will go a long way towards staying functional. You deserve to stop thinking about work sometime. Stop refreshing your field's jobs wiki and do something fun. You deserve to have something you know you are not an imposter at. I made time for ballet class a few times a week because it was such a break from the grind of my last year of grad school/job market stress. Could I have gotten a few more things done if I hadn't taken those classes? Probably, but they wouldn't have been done particularly well because my brain would have melted. Please do feel free to send me a memail. I am a pro at commiseration!
posted by ChuraChura at 7:35 AM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
If you aren’t all burnt out on your research question as well, really try to channel your enthusiasm about the unsolved mysteries in your area of research. It can be a less fake feeling enthusiasm than talking about how awesome you are, and it naturally sets up the next part of your talk, How I Addressed This One Small Corner of Unsolved Mystery.
posted by deludingmyself at 7:53 AM on October 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by deludingmyself at 7:53 AM on October 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
This isn't specific to academia, but is a technique I sometimes use when I have to go into a difficult meeting or something that will be hard/intimidating for me emotionally but I have to seem cool and confident.
I pretend that I'm a badass secret agent like Emma Peel from the Avengers (UK) or Natasha Romanoff from the Avengers (US) who is UNDERCOVER as a confident businesswoman etc. I don't have to really be that - I have to sell my COVER so the MISSION won't be compromised. (The mission is that whatever I need out of the meeting actually happens). I take a minute alone at my desk or in the bathroom beforehand to picture secret-agent me and sort of settle into the mindset, and then I go do the thing.
It sounds silly, but it really helps me, so I offer it up in case it helps you!
posted by oblique red at 8:30 AM on October 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
I pretend that I'm a badass secret agent like Emma Peel from the Avengers (UK) or Natasha Romanoff from the Avengers (US) who is UNDERCOVER as a confident businesswoman etc. I don't have to really be that - I have to sell my COVER so the MISSION won't be compromised. (The mission is that whatever I need out of the meeting actually happens). I take a minute alone at my desk or in the bathroom beforehand to picture secret-agent me and sort of settle into the mindset, and then I go do the thing.
It sounds silly, but it really helps me, so I offer it up in case it helps you!
posted by oblique red at 8:30 AM on October 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
I've battled feelings like this myself. What helped me was a mix of a couple of things (and the above advice is all great as well):
1). Actually embracing the fatalism of the poor humanities job market. I was heartened by the idea that I hadn't "failed" something, but rather there were 199 other people and hey, search committees make weird choices and must've overlooked my awesomeness because they were overwhelmed.
2). This was incredibly influential for me--and even more relevant in our current presidential times: channelling the brazen confidence of my white male advisor and white male peers in grad school, many of whom literally had folders labeled "shameless self-promotion" and who appeared to indeed feel no shame at walking into a room like they were the hottest intellectual on earth and of course demanded like twice the offered salary. And it worked for them! (And when I tried it, heart in my throat, to ask for a higher salary... it worked for me too!).
3). Treating all of it like a chance to rehearse for the next talk and/or get a free meal/trip. Conference interview: ok, lemme see how my talking points go this time, because I'll be using them again in the future. Campus visit? It's no longer "OMGINEEDTHIS JOB"; it was "Oh hey, I get to add State X to my Places I've Been map! And I'll get a free dinner!" Just relaxing and treating it like I was just there to take in the sights and enthuse about my own research, in turn, made a huge difference. It helped me roll with the inevitable minor snafus that come up, and I actually got a lot of compliments from campus committees about how chill I'd been (because mentally I'd just be all, "these people are the ones who don't have it together and I am totally getting the steak tonight at dinner.")
Good luck, and memail me if you want other advice! I've been a candidate several times and on search committees even more than that.
posted by TwoStride at 8:31 AM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
1). Actually embracing the fatalism of the poor humanities job market. I was heartened by the idea that I hadn't "failed" something, but rather there were 199 other people and hey, search committees make weird choices and must've overlooked my awesomeness because they were overwhelmed.
2). This was incredibly influential for me--and even more relevant in our current presidential times: channelling the brazen confidence of my white male advisor and white male peers in grad school, many of whom literally had folders labeled "shameless self-promotion" and who appeared to indeed feel no shame at walking into a room like they were the hottest intellectual on earth and of course demanded like twice the offered salary. And it worked for them! (And when I tried it, heart in my throat, to ask for a higher salary... it worked for me too!).
3). Treating all of it like a chance to rehearse for the next talk and/or get a free meal/trip. Conference interview: ok, lemme see how my talking points go this time, because I'll be using them again in the future. Campus visit? It's no longer "OMGINEEDTHIS JOB"; it was "Oh hey, I get to add State X to my Places I've Been map! And I'll get a free dinner!" Just relaxing and treating it like I was just there to take in the sights and enthuse about my own research, in turn, made a huge difference. It helped me roll with the inevitable minor snafus that come up, and I actually got a lot of compliments from campus committees about how chill I'd been (because mentally I'd just be all, "these people are the ones who don't have it together and I am totally getting the steak tonight at dinner.")
Good luck, and memail me if you want other advice! I've been a candidate several times and on search committees even more than that.
posted by TwoStride at 8:31 AM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Oh, and someting else that helped me (just the other week I had a flareup of my own imposter anxieties related to a talk I was giving): a supportive friend helped me write down my anxieties and then reframe them. So for example, my anxiety was "I'm going to sound stupid at this talk." The helpful reframing: "No one in the room will have thought this much about [obscure text] in the moment as I will have, so I will be the authority even if my own ideas are new. Also, most people won't really be paying attention." (I find the idea that many people will space out to be comforting rather than alarming, but obviously YMMV with that).
posted by TwoStride at 8:35 AM on October 25, 2017
posted by TwoStride at 8:35 AM on October 25, 2017
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1. Did you do preliminary exams? Did you defend a dissertation? If so, you've already been through some of the most challenging of the academic rituals of a career. The job interview is just another of these rituals to pass through.
2. If they bring you to campus, they already think well of you, much as your advisers already think well of you but still must question and challenge you when you enter the diss defense. You can think of the people you meet in the course of those interview days as basically friendly and certainly not out to expose you. You can shake up your fear of inadequacy by taking the focus off yourself sometimes, asking other people about their own work whenever you're in less formal conversations.
Of course, only one person gets the job, but the others aren't imposters. They just aren't the absolutely best fit out of all the candidates for that job. So make sure that if you wind up not getting something you apply for, you don't allow yourself to see it as some kind of proof that you're unworthy. Also, just accept that fact that everyone is actually a little bit of an imposter. Oh well.
3. You probably know this already from grad school but academia is so unbelievably filled with people who struggle with anxiety and depression that it seems almost like a feature of the career. Academia is also filled with people who look tired a lot, seriously! Get yourself something that makes you feel a little bit stylish -- a bag, a jacket, whatever -- it goes a long way towards just signalling "put together." If you look wan and tired that day, no one cares -- again, it's often part of the normal environment in the humanities.
4. Finally, I feel my life changed from taking antidepressants after decades of thinking I didn't need to. Something like bursting into tears is less likely when your chemistry is sorted. You needn't be taking them forever. You might ask your therapist to set you up with someone who can advise you and prescribe if warranted.
Good luck. This is a harrowing moment for everyone in this business - please do not think you're the only one! You are allowed to be a complicated person with sore emotional spots and anxieties and dark circles under your eyes, just trying to make your life better and more conscious -- that is not a bad thing, that is a human thing. Best of luck to you.
posted by flourpot at 9:36 PM on October 24, 2017 [3 favorites]