Clueless about how to ask questions to my SO about his work

October 19, 2017 10:46 AM

I realized yesterday night I don't really know what my SO does and it makes me utterly sad and guilty. I'm crying writing this.

We were making plans last night and he told me he couldn't do xx with me, explaining that right now it was a crucial moment for his startup and couldn't take even half a day day off. And it struck me that I didn't even know that right now was an (even more) intense period for my SO. So we had a discussion about the fact I didn't know and he said two things : that I just have to ask if I want to know and that he's accepted the fact I'm not curious about his startup activity. Well, that hurts. I've asked often, and been rejected a lot, so I stopped asking and try and grab clues instead. But obviously it doesn't work : I'm not a mind reader and as a result I don't know anything about what he does and he thinks I don't care.


I know he works very hard and pours his heart in this beautiful project, meets a lot of supportive people, wins prizes / grants and gets exposure from media coverage. But that's all. I barely know how he feels (I know he’s scared and tired, but no much more), what are the current big decisions he has to take, the challenges he is facing, etc. 


• how do I ask if I don't know what I don't know? If he wins something but doesn't tell me... Do I run a checklist of questions everyday that includes "did you win anything today?" I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.
• What do I do if, when I start and ask, he says he doesn't want to talk about it (bc tired, wanting to decompress, etc)? He even gets hostile sometimes and he does this often with me (the opposite is not true : I am an open book and cannot keep anything for myself, he won't let it go if he sees I'm sad / upset : he wants to know why).

It kills me that I learn about his activity when he talks with people he sees once or twice a year (think family). In these situations he has no problem talking for an hour non stop.


I love him, I'm effing proud of him, I talk a lot about what he does, people who don't even know him in person ask me often about his project and when can they buy his service. (But I can't even give a precise reply about this...uh).


I'm torn between : "I'm a selfish asshole who isn't even interested in her SO. He doesn't deserve me." And : "I'm so angry, how am I supposed to know if he doesn't deliver anything? I am not a mind reader."


I don't know how to process this, do you have insights, experiences to share, advice? 


Thank you in advance Mefites.

posted by Ifite to Human Relations (39 answers total)

Yeah, I'm sorry, you're not the problem here. An SO who shuts you down and is openly hostile with you about his work is not someone who wants you to know what he does every day. My wife is bound legally by a whole cadre of health care laws (not to mention specialized knowledge that I don't have) that prevent her from giving me detail on many aspects of her work (like assisted suicide) and she's way more forthcoming about her work than it sounds your SO is.
posted by notorious medium at 10:54 AM on October 19, 2017 [50 favorites]

"hey hun, practice your elevator pitch on me"
posted by sammyo at 10:55 AM on October 19, 2017 [7 favorites]

I've asked often, and been rejected a lot

he's accepted the fact I'm not curious about his startup activity

Isn't that like, textbook gaslighting?

Edit: on his part, I mean.
posted by saladin at 10:57 AM on October 19, 2017 [99 favorites]

Well, when you say you've been "rejected," a lot, do you mean that he's actively told you not to ask? That sounds weird at best.
posted by Alensin at 10:58 AM on October 19, 2017 [3 favorites]

This is very strange. If he's shut you down when you've asked about it then it doesn't seem fair or accurate for him to blame you for being incurious. Both versions of the story can't be true. Which is it?

I hope he just made that remark in crabby, lashing-out moment. Sometimes those happen.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:58 AM on October 19, 2017 [3 favorites]

This doesn't solve your problem, but let me tell you something about a bad habit I have. After a long day at work, I often don't want to talk about it when I get home. But on the weekends, in conversation with other people, I feel more likely to talk about what I'm doing to someone who knows almost nothing. I almost always tell my wife about anything really important that's going on at work, but sometimes she gets these details from my conversations with other people. I can't blame her for being a bit peeved at this, but it's really from the different mindset that I have at different times, and I've tried to make sure that she's up-to-date on anything interesting. Maybe your husband has a more extreme case of this. If he's extremely stressed about work, it could make things worse.
posted by demiurge at 11:03 AM on October 19, 2017 [38 favorites]

I'm torn between : "I'm a selfish asshole who isn't even interested in her SO. He doesn't deserve me." And : "I'm so angry, how am I supposed to know if he doesn't deliver anything? I am not a mind reader."

Yeah, you need to listen to that second voice.
posted by Catseye at 11:07 AM on October 19, 2017 [11 favorites]

In case it helps, the easiest way to get my partner to talk is to take him for a walk. (Caveat: we don't have this problem, though.)
posted by aniola at 11:07 AM on October 19, 2017 [3 favorites]

2nd the timing/asking after a long day of work. Can you make a mental note to go on a walk (or insert other calm time away from work) and ask him then? If he has felt hurt and not told you he was hurt about your perceived non-interest it may be a gradual process. (Don't blame yourself if so. My job is unique and my husband still is learning what I do and that requires me putting the info out there too. It's always a two way conversation.)
posted by typecloud at 11:13 AM on October 19, 2017

You're being awfully hard on yourself. My husband is a database administrator and I have absolutely no idea what he does on a day to day basis. Sometimes I ask questions in an effort to be nice, but the answer is always completely incomprehensible to me and I nod and smile and think about what I want to watch next on Netflix.

What I'm saying is, it sounds like he's being weird about this and making you feel like you're doing something wrong. I don't think you're doing anything wrong.
posted by something something at 11:14 AM on October 19, 2017 [13 favorites]

I'm assuming your partner and you are both good people in a bad pattern. This isn't easy but here's a script to try on a quiet weekend together:

"Sweetie, I know that we don't talk about your work, but I want that to change. Tell me about what you're doing at work - I want to listen."

Then listen. Ask follow up questions, but they should be focused on what your partner is excited about in their job, not what you're most interested in about it. That's likely to elicit more response.

Then get in the habit of talking after work: "I did this today" and "tell me about your day?". If your partner looks exhausted, or excited or distracted, reflect that back: "You seem pretty tired tonight, long day?" and give room for answers.

It may help to do a little counseling. A deeply entrenched pattern can be hard to shift.
posted by latkes at 11:17 AM on October 19, 2017 [2 favorites]

The only time I was ever inclined to discuss my work in detail with my ex-husband was when I was at a restaurant (thus relaxed setting).

At other times I would inform him if I was particularly stressed or rushed due to a meeting or deadline. This would either come up when I was chained to laptop, running out the door, or asking him to do a task for me that I would usually do. At that point, since I was already stressed or rushed, I could not go into detail.

My ex-husband blissfully went to bed early. I was able to keep my tired thoughts to myself. I used other time at home to tend my child and make dinner. This was better self-care than rehashing work on the regular.

Perhaps date night? This will get him into a more relaxed setting and perhaps he will be inclined to treat it more as a social situation with you.
posted by crazycanuck at 11:19 AM on October 19, 2017 [2 favorites]

It sounds to me like, for whatever reason, he does not like to talk about his work with you (and he is making excuses by blaming you for that, which is crummy). He may feel that you don't understand what he does or perhaps that you are bored by it. I think you are right to want to address this -- not because you necessarily need to talk about his work; I can imagine healthy couples that don't talk about work -- but because the fact that he does not want to talk to you about it may point to some larger issue about how you relate.
posted by Mid at 11:37 AM on October 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

also, as mentioned above: I find that during the work week is the wrong time to discuss work w my partner. At the end of the day, folks with stressful jobs generally want to shut that part off for a while, or at least feel like they can have a quiet dinner/TV watch without having to jump back into those mental trenches.

Weekends are a better time. I bet that's when most of those long discussions you're overhearing are happening, right?
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:41 AM on October 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

There's a pretty good podcast chronicling the startup of a podcasting company called "startup" and it included a bit (10% of the total content) about his discussions with his spouse and how much stress he was going through and stuff.

It gave me a lot of the lingo and common problems that startups go through, and it's one of the best podcasts out there. I highly recommend it in your situation!

Also his voice is buttery smooth.
posted by bbqturtle at 11:45 AM on October 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

...he's accepted the fact I'm not curious about his startup activity.

Well, that hurts. I've asked often, and been rejected a lot, so I stopped asking and try and grab clues instead.

Well let's crack this nut wide open! Why don't you ask if he knows that you feel rejected when you ask? I came all in being like "why is this poor nice women crying over not knowing what her husband does?" But it seems you're upset at wanting to support and know about him, and being rebuffed. You have a right to feel this way - his having a busy job doesn't override your need to feel heard and like you have an important role in the relationship. Once you've articulated this need, the ball is indeed back in his court.
posted by karmachameleon at 11:47 AM on October 19, 2017 [3 favorites]

Seconding karma chameleon - this is a relationship problem, not your problem. It is entirely hit or miss (and likely to miss) if you search for the solution on your own. Turn to your SO, let them know that you have tried and want to try but it doesn't seem to be working. What does he think will work better? Try it out. You might find what he asks for doesn't work for you and then you need to talk again and try something else. Or you might do exactly what he asks and he shuts you down and then you need to name that - maybe what he thought he wanted wasn't actually workable and try again. If he keeps insisting that you need to change but won't tell you what he wants, won't accommodate your needs or want respond what you do what he asks, then you have a larger problem in the relationship.
posted by metahawk at 12:06 PM on October 19, 2017 [5 favorites]

Adding to the chorus of timing may be the issue here. Can you schedule a time on the weekend to go over to his workplace and have him give you a tour? Sure, his "product" may be digital and there's not much to see, but he might have a "pitch" that he uses for new visitors/customers that he could tell you. You could see his awards on display and ask about them. Break up your pattern of asking when he's trying to decompress - not to imply that this is all on you - he needs to answer your questions at some point!
posted by sarajane at 12:11 PM on October 19, 2017

I'm not clear on whether or not you really want to hear about his project.

If the truth of the matter is that you're a little bored by it and he seems not to mind not talking about it with you, and you talk about lots of other things, that's fine. I'm not interested in all my husband's projects, and he's not interested in all of mine.

On the other hand, if he was like 'I got a grant for 50K today!' I'd be pretty psyched and super weirded out and hurt if he didn't tell me.

And maybe you would be more interested in interpersonal dynamics than the project? We often have conversations about people's body language and corporate tactics and that's fun to talk about but isn't necessarily about the meeting one of us was just in. Maybe there is an area of his project that you could focus questioning on that was genuinely interesting to you, rather than force yourself to listen to someone else's project details which can be honestly extremely boring to outsiders no matter how 'cool' the project is.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:17 PM on October 19, 2017 [3 favorites]

If he wins something but doesn't tell me... Do I run a checklist of questions everyday that includes "did you win anything today?

Something's not right here. Timing could explain some things, but if he's not even telling you he won a prize or grant? Forget talking about the application process, who doesn't share that kind of thing with their SO? I don't think couples need to share every work detail with each other, but this sounds a lot like some of the emotionally unavailable dudes I used to date.
posted by Room 641-A at 12:21 PM on October 19, 2017 [11 favorites]

don't pounce on him right when he walks in the door. (not that you ARE, but that has always been very frustrating to me. let me change my clothes and wash my hands or whatever).

when you're getting dinner ready or whatever you do in the evening, "hey, how was your day?". (note that this encompasses more than just his job). three scenarios follow:

1) "ugh, it was fucking awful. i don't want to talk or even think about it." you say, "okay let me know if i can do anything." and you move on with your night.
2) "it was okay. we closed the parker deal." you say, "oh yeah! the parker deal! remind me what that one was again?" it is okay to ask for a reminder even if he HAS told you about it before. you don't need to remember the minutia of what he does, just the broad strokes.
3) "it was great! this and this and this and this happened....." and he goes on for 25 minutes while you pay attention to him (no phone in your hand) and ask questions and interject appropriately.

you know, it is OKAY if partners don't know the ins and outs of their SOs job. If your SO is pissed that you can't talk about his job to other people, then you need to find out why it bothers him, and he needs to actually talk to you about his job. does he want you to know he deals with blue widgets only and not green widgets? that he is Very Important and meets with Very Important People? that his software could solve US dependence on foreign oil? or does he just want you to be able to say "Joe works at WidgetCorp over on 7th. He just started a project for the Israeli Army that he's super excited about."
posted by misanthropicsarah at 12:23 PM on October 19, 2017 [2 favorites]

You say you've asked before but been rejected. How? Because that's bizarre behavior without further explanation. It seems like your partner is a my-work-is-my-life type and those types generally love to talk about what they do. When he's rejected your inquiries in the past, what has he said? What was the context? Because it's weird.

The way it goes in my house, we just ask how each other's days were. Sometimes the answer is just, "Fine/tiring/the usual." But every now and then the answer is a 10-minute-long rant about some workplace shitshow, or annoying coworker. Or it's a nice moment to publicly bask in the glow of a job well done. "I've been completely crushing it lately, but man, I'm pooped. Let me tell you about this thorny problem I solved today in a way that got me a brownie point from the boss."
posted by soren_lorensen at 12:28 PM on October 19, 2017

I'll confess to generally not wanting to talk to my wife about my work, and honestly sometimes getting annoyed if she asks too persistently. I hope I'm not a jerk about it (I try really hard not to be), and I know it's a bad habit, but it is something I do. It has nothing to do with not loving my wife, or not wanting to share things with her. It's because I often find my job very draining, and the only way I manage to handle it is by drawing as sharp a boundary as I can between work and home. That means that when I walk out of the office at the end of the day, I rarely even check my work email until the next morning. The last thing I want to do is rehash the whole day after I get home. I know that for some people (including my wife) talking about it is a stress relief, but it's the exact opposite for me. The way I relieve the stress is to put it completely out of my mind and do other stuff whenever I'm not actively working. I'm more than happy to talk about ANYTHING ELSE she wants to talk about, including her work if that helps her blow off steam.

This isn't at all to excuse the behavior if he's being a jerk, or giving you conflicting signals. But I don't think that not wanting to talk about work is inherently bad. At least, I hope it's not...
posted by primethyme at 12:52 PM on October 19, 2017 [14 favorites]

So he can talk for "an hour non-stop"with his family about his project. That sounds like a bore; for them and for you.
Is he interested in what YOU do for a living? What are his questions for you?
Why would you cry? So he's got a start-up. So do a million other Joes and Janes. He is not special. And he sure proves it around you!
posted by BostonTerrier at 12:56 PM on October 19, 2017 [5 favorites]

Is he interested in what YOU do for a living? What are his questions for you?

This was literally my first thought when I read this question, too.
posted by the return of the thin white sock at 1:22 PM on October 19, 2017 [2 favorites]

he said two things : that I just have to ask if I want to know

I just want to chime in to say this is fucking passive bullshit that always gets my hackles up when a partner has said it.
posted by rhizome at 1:24 PM on October 19, 2017 [12 favorites]

Is he doing something shady with his startup? That's the only other explanation I can think of.

Also, don't forget on Friends, none of the others ever figured out what Chandler did for a living, and it didn't drive wedges in their friendships. Sometimes work just needs to stay at work, sometimes it's boring enough that it's not dinner-table worthy.
posted by jhope71 at 1:40 PM on October 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

My husband and I don't overlap at all in terms of what we do. He's a builder. I'm a toxicologist. We each kinda glaze over when the other waxes poetic about work. It's not insulting that we're not into the details of the others' work.

Likewise, I don't like to talk about work after work hours. I empathize with your description of him not wanting to talk about work, or even getting hostile when prodded about it. I do the same thing when my husband makes small-talky questions about work ("How was work?") and then immediately tunes out when I start telling him the details. The next time he asks, I say, "It was work." Toxicology has its high minded bits and pieces, but it also deals in counting people and animals who are sick or dying or dead and, lordy, I like to confine that to the working day if at all possible.

If you're genuinely curious about "how he feels, what are the current big decisions he has to take, the challenges he is facing," consider letting him know that. Asking questions isn't the only way to communicate--you can tell him, "I'd like to know more about how you feel about work, you know? it makes me uncomfortable that other people know more about your work than I do." Make a statement about your interest and your feelings and see if he can respond to that. If his response is, "I have to talk about work to everyone, and I don't want to spend my time with you talking about it," will you be able to hear that?
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:24 PM on October 19, 2017 [3 favorites]

If you give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he has a stressful job and likes to separate it from you. Many answers above give good advice on approaches you could take. Another possibility is that his startup is in trouble and he's hiding that from you/ doesn't want to talk about it. But from your description, he sounds like he's blaming you for not being interested when that's clearly not the case, which strikes me as mean and manipulative. Hopefully that's not true and it's just a communication issue. But maybe step back and give yourself the benefit of the doubt instead. Your question is kind and caring. Is he a supportive partner, or the type of guy who chips away at your self esteem, belittles you, then blames you for being insecure?
posted by emd3737 at 2:51 PM on October 19, 2017 [2 favorites]

The simple, practical solution to this problem is to set up a Google alert for his startup name and then you can be all "Hey congrats on willing the X Prize, that's great!"

That works even if what I suspect what's going on here is what's going on here: he's in crazy intense startup mode and would like the 10 minutes of his day he has available to spend with you not be about his crazy intense startup.

Plus obviously the part where he's a shitty communicator and a dismissive partner.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:01 PM on October 19, 2017 [6 favorites]

The issue is not that your partner doesn't want to talk about work; that's fine, a lot of people would rather relax at the end of the day than rehash it. The issue is that he doesn't want to talk about work, shuts you down when you ask and then has the audacity to blame you and make it seem like you're not interested in what he does, so you're now jumping through hoops trying to prove you're not an asshole.

This isn't just a communication problem. No amount of 'drawing him out' or 'phrasing your question better' will make up for the fact that you're with a person who creates a relationship problem then manipulates you into believing it's your fault. Hint: it's not. I bet this isn't the only place these kind of things pop up between the two of you.
posted by Jubey at 3:22 PM on October 19, 2017 [21 favorites]

The part that sticks out for me is that you wanted to know when he's busy with work -- so you didn't set yourself up for rejection with plans to go out. It sounds like he doesn't want to go out, is using the #startuplife as an excuse, and said a lot of mean things at that time.

I am also of the camp that this is not at all about the best way to ask someone about their work.
posted by batter_my_heart at 3:57 PM on October 19, 2017 [2 favorites]

I know this is kind of a cliche response on AskMe but can you read him your question as it is written here? Ultimately he's the only one who can truly answer you. You seem to have articulated the difficulty concisely and fairly.

If you're uncomfortable showing him this question (beyond the normal sort of "oh god feelings awkward"), then perhaps think about why that is and whether it's part of a bigger issue.
posted by Wretch729 at 4:38 PM on October 19, 2017

this is nuts. I understand people have weird self-esteem issues, though it doesn't sound like he has one other than maybe having too much. and this can lead to keeping stuff to yourself because you think nobody cares. sure. but even so, you shouldn't have to do more than one time clear the air by saying: I really like to hear about what's going on with your work, or whatever you spend time on when we're apart, so please don't ever hold back because you think it bores me. everything about you is interesting, because I love you and I like to hear you talk.

and then, having said that, all you should ever need to do is just ask him how his day was, when you see him in the evening, and he'll tell you. if he's not fucking with you on purpose, or in a perpetual huff because one time he didn't think your tone was sincere enough when you asked how work was going, or deliberately keeping you ignorant for unimaginable nefarious purposes. he will just tell you.

this isn't normal or your fault.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:59 PM on October 19, 2017 [6 favorites]

My husband is at a startup too. He has a ton of responsibility and works a frankly insane schedule, and I think a lot of the time he just can't remember what he's told me and what he hasn't. Before startup life he talked much more about work to me, so I don't take this change personally. I recognize it's a symptom of how much crazier his life is.

I do occasionally check in with a "how's work?" But he usually says something like "nuts" which I think is a reasonable way to say "it's going to stress me out a lot to talk about this" and if that's where his head goes then I drop it.

My husband's product has fans with a subreddit, so I'm able to keep up on the latest that way. I also use their product and give feedback on it when I like or dislike a feature. Maybe you could do a Google alert on his company so at least you see when they make news? That way you could bring up awesome stuff you read about his work without him having to come home and brag about it, and show him you're excited about what he does even if you don't know the day to day details.
posted by potrzebie at 7:50 PM on October 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

I work in a technical field and my boyfriend doesn’t know much about my work or, typically, ask. When I talk about it he’s happy to listen but it’s all Greek to him.

So on the weekend when we’re hanging out with friends or family and I start telling a story about work that he hasn’t heard before, sometimes I’ll turn toward him, very briefly and say, “oh, I didn’t tell you about this... “ or “oh, yes! I was going to tell you... “ it’s not something I do on purpose, I just thought about it for the first time consciously now, and I don’t do it EVERY time (annoying!) but I think it’s basically to say, “I acknowledge you as a person who spends every day with me and I wish I would have thought to tell you this before, I like you to be part of my audience, too.”

It sounds like he’s doing zero to mitigate whatever normal inertia there is in a long term relationship... I’d be wary, he’s being an ass.
posted by stoneandstar at 8:35 PM on October 19, 2017

If I was in your position I would basically say to him, "I care about you and want to know about your work, but I was shut down every time I tried to ask about it, so I stopped asking. Can you please just keep me updated about anything I may need to know? For example, if you're going through a busy period and won't be available for social commitments."
posted by kinddieserzeit at 12:07 AM on October 20, 2017 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Hi, thank you all for your comments and sorry for the late reply.

It took me a while to assimilate all your contributions and gauge where my situation was. You helped me take some distance and reflect on my own behavior as well as on my SO's one.

We're both at fault, me having been absorbed in personal worries (some you can see in my previous ask, uh) and him really not wanting to talk about work during the week but not communicating clearly about this (except by being harsh).

So we've adjusted the "work conversation" timing and I've made several self-checks to make sure I was being available and showing interest and now we're on the same page. We realized I wasn't lacking that much information, there were just some missing links. So it was a lack of proper correct communication during a stressful time, now we know! (and well, good communication is often the answer...).

And no, he's not doing anything illegal, quite the opposite, he's doing a beautiful, genuine project ;) ...which is why it saddened me even more not to be really "au courant" about it.

Thank you all again, guys.
posted by Ifite at 3:57 AM on November 2, 2017 [3 favorites]

So we've adjusted the "work conversation" timing and I've made several self-checks to make sure I was being available and showing interest and now we're on the same page.

And he committed to doing the same for you, right?
posted by the return of the thin white sock at 12:14 PM on November 4, 2017 [2 favorites]