How do I let my friend know that I don’t want to go to Europe with her?

October 19, 2017 10:03 AM

I’m facing a bit of a conundrum. About a month ago, I told my friend that I would like to go to Europe with her this summer. But after I did that, I started thinking about that choice. My friend has a bit of a drinking problem and can get pretty wild and out of hand. I now realize that going with her would be an unwise choice, and I wouldn’t feel all that safe – I feel like it would increase the chance that we may get in trouble, let alone putting a bit of responsibility on me to monitor her. I mentioned this to my boyfriend, and that I’d rather go with him – he and I both feel like this would be the safer choice.

The problem is, my friend is still under the assumption that her and I are going to go. I don’t know how to break it to her that I’d rather go with my boyfriend. I don’t want to just say “Hey, I don’t feel like I’d be as safe with you because you have a drinking problem and can easily get out of hand”. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, insult her, or start something. I wish I had never told her about Europe in the first place.

I’m going to be seeing her Saturday night, and I fear that she is going to bring up how excited she is. Do you have any advice on what I can say to back out of going with her?

posted by ggp88 to Human Relations (20 answers total)

What if your boyfriend came as well and you all made an effort not to drink?
posted by bleep at 10:18 AM on October 19, 2017

To avoid criticizing her behavior while canceling, you could consider putting it more in terms of "sorry to cancel but bf has invited me to go to EU with him, and I can't afford two trips. I know it's kind of rude but I really have to focus on putting our relationship first (play this up or down as needed).

If she can't take that gracefully and complains, then I'd probably tell her the truth and generally back off on the whole friendship. Life's too short to shepherd drunks when you don't want to, and doubly so if that puts you at risk.
posted by SaltySalticid at 10:19 AM on October 19, 2017 [15 favorites]

I think you have a great excuse in wanting to go with your boyfriend - it's a reasonable conclusion to have reached and too expensive to assume you'd do both.

However, I think you should tell her before she brings it up, and acknowledge that you know she's excited and that you are sorry to have changed your mind. But I don't think this needs to be a huge deal - be kind and get it done, and move on.
posted by carbide at 10:20 AM on October 19, 2017 [9 favorites]

Summer is nearly a year away which means this kind of thing can fit into "vague friend plans that are initially exciting but don't make sense upon reflection." We've all been with friends and suggested something we actually don't want to do, and walking these back is as simple as "I've thought about it for a month and I have a lot of stuff in the air that makes it hard for me to commit. You should go though and maybe if I end up in Europe we can meet up for a while."
posted by notorious medium at 10:29 AM on October 19, 2017 [15 favorites]

I don't have specific words for you, but in situations like this I always go back to Miko's amazing advice for breaking up with someone. The model's not quite right for this but the basic tenets fit:

- highlight the strength of your friendship now and reasons it's been great so far

- bring up concerns about you getting in the way of her happiness during the trip as the reason you don't want to go - don't put yourself down, but highlight that you don't think it would be a good fit for whatever reasons (you love spending hours in museums, you get terrible jet lag, you're grumpy or always get migraines when you travel...whatever works and seems [or is!] true will work here)

- make sure she knows you think she deserves an amazing trip and that you totally support her going on her own or with another friend

- make sure she knows you still want to spend time with her where you live, just not on the road

This may feel like a breach of her trust, but you're being honest with her. I'd honestly leave the boyfriend out of it here; you don't appear to have a trip planned or tickets purchased yet so if you don't actually end up going at all, she never needs to know.
posted by mdonley at 10:30 AM on October 19, 2017 [4 favorites]

Has any planning started? Has any money been spent?

If not, then you're pretty clear to just be like hey, change of plans, should have conferred with my boyfriend first.

If planning has begun, you'll probably have to dig in a little more, but you're always free to back out of a project if it's not going to pan out for you.

What I would not do, unless pressed, is tell her it's because she's a drunk. At best, you might say you feel like your party styles are mismatched and that's no fun on a two-person trip.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:30 AM on October 19, 2017 [5 favorites]

If a friend made plans with me, then said she’d decided she’d rather do what we planned with her boyfriend and that was the only reason she gave, that would be the end of the friendship for me.

I’m not saying you have to go with her, but “something better came along,” whether for a party invitation or a trip to Europe, is totally not cool.
posted by FencingGal at 10:36 AM on October 19, 2017 [51 favorites]

Blame the boyfriend. Don't say that you would rather go with the boyfriend, say that the boyfriend wants to go with you, and what can you do?
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:52 AM on October 19, 2017

“Hey, I don’t feel like I’d be as safe with you because you have a drinking problem and can easily get out of hand”.

If the problem is this bad I kind of feel like this is a serious discussion to have with a friend, because they are a friend. This is is pretty alarming behaviour and I would like to think if my friends were concerned about me in this way they could talk to me in a caring way about it.

This depends on how close you guys are. If you’re willing to take a hit on the friendship by choosing your boyfriend for this trip over her (which is what others are suggesting you use as an excuse and I agree with the commenter that there’s a chance your friend would take offence) then use that excuse.

But if you do think you guys are close enough and you do think her behaviour is leading to unsafe situations, could we help you frame that conversation instead?
posted by like_neon at 11:04 AM on October 19, 2017 [6 favorites]

Do you have to go to Europe this summer at all? If not, I would say something like, "You know, some things have come up, and I don't think I'm going to be able to make the trip. I wanted to bow out early so you have time to make other plans."

I'd probably bring up the drinking - if at all - as a separate issue another time.
posted by dancing_angel at 11:17 AM on October 19, 2017 [7 favorites]

To be clear: I know that brushing this off as "something better came along" is rude. My point is that it may be preferable to "your drinking makes me feel unsafe and I don't want to be in your company for a trip to Europe".

But sure, either are still good reasons to back off the friendship, perhaps from her just as much as you.

To play devil's advocate even though I implicitly trust your assessment: for all we know she is fine and you're a no-fun tee-totalling prude who can't commit to plans and is a harsh judge of friends. In which case y'all still shouldn't be going on a trip to EU together.
posted by SaltySalticid at 11:45 AM on October 19, 2017 [2 favorites]

The beauty of travel is that there are so many many details to factor in that there are just that many outs for you to use.
Maybe the timing is better for you to make the trip with your BF. Maybe it's more affordable for you to share expenses with your BF. Maybe you've always romanticized city X and now that you consider it you want to go there first with him, etc.
Make sure you thank your friend for inspiring you to make big plans, but then explain that your BF just makes a better fit for what you want out of such a big trip.
There is still plenty of lead time that she will certainly have options for her own trip.
posted by OHenryPacey at 12:23 PM on October 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

I don’t want to hurt her feelings, insult her, or start something.

I...do not think you are going to be successful with this. Honestly, I'm pretty surprised by the answers here suggesting this is going to be no big deal to her, especially since you were the one to raise the idea and invite her in the first place. I don't think it really matters that (presumably) no concrete plans have been made or money put down just yet.

Not that I think you should go on the trip with her regardless if it's not going to go well, but I would tell her just about ANYTHING other than that you'd rather go with your boyfriend than her. I have been in this position and it feels like shit. I would see straight through any excuses that try to pawn the blame off on your boyfriend or claiming that you need to prioritize that relationship on THIS particular trip. And yeah, that would be the end of our friendship, I'm with Fencing Gal on that.

I guess one idea could be claiming "mismatched style travels" rather than excessive drinking and partying. That's something I would definitely understand; I have friends where traveling together sounds fantastic in theory, but we both know it would be a complete horror show due to our differing sleep/wake phases, hotel preferences, cultural interests, and so on.
posted by anderjen at 1:00 PM on October 19, 2017 [7 favorites]

I think you should keep your original plan, and have an honest conversation with your friend about boundaries around drinking. Something like "getting wasted in HomeTown USA is no big deal, but I'd feel unsafe if you get really drunk in TravelTown Europe, where neither of us speak the language or know the city, and I don't want to be in a position to have to figure things out alone". That is a totally acceptable request, and if she refuses it, you just flat-out say, "I'm not comfortable spending that much money on a trip where I don't get to enjoy myself too".

I don’t want to just say “Hey, I don’t feel like I’d be as safe with you because you have a drinking problem and can easily get out of hand”.

Even though you don't want to, I think you kind of need to. I think you can find a reasonable way to say it without being accusatory or hurtful. I'd hope my friends would do that for me, if I were in your friend's situation.
posted by slagheap at 1:24 PM on October 19, 2017 [9 favorites]

If you don't want to start something with her, do not tell her that you are dumping your plans with her to do the same thing with your boyfriend. That is a super shitty thing to do and I would never speak to you again if you did that.

Either be an adult and tell her that her drinking makes you uncomfortable, or tell her you are just not going to be able to take this trip with her and that you hope this gives her time to find another person to go with her.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:06 PM on October 19, 2017 [10 favorites]

I agree not to go with "just kidding! I decided I want to do the exact same thing, but with my boyfriend instead!" I think if you don't want to tell her the truth about her drinking, you can say something similar about your own plans but soften it a bit, like, "I spoke too soon, I don't think going to Europe together next summer is going to work for me. I'm juggling a lot of things. I already committed to BF to go somewhere with him. I have a big work deadline. My lease expires so I may be moving. I started to feel stressed and realized I overcommitted and really can't do this trip." You might also suggest an alternative, like going camping one weekend.
posted by salvia at 3:30 PM on October 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

It's great that you're trying to keep safe and establish boundaries to do so...but your friend is still in a dangerous position, going off drinking in Europe and what not. If it was me and we were genuinely friends, for their own safety, I'd be concerned enough about them going off drinking in dodgy situations that I'd feel compelled to say something because I cared about her.

Yes she's an adult, and can do what she wants, but if it's bad enough that you're scared for you, aren't you scared for her too? Maybe you could sit her down and kindly say this from a place of love. She might not agree, she might still go but at least it will give her food for thought and she'll know you care. And heck, she might actually address her drinking or adapt her plans.

I know if a friend told me my drinking was so out of control that they cancelled a trip because being around me was that dangerous, well, it would be a wake up call. You could be doing her a huge favour, but only you know if you have the kind of friendship where this conversation is possible and would survive it.
posted by Jubey at 3:33 PM on October 19, 2017 [4 favorites]

Treat each element separately.

1) Cite budget issues as to why you're not going to be making the Europe trip with her next year; do this as soon as possible. Do not mention your boyfriend.

2) Talk to her about her drinking if you want to, but do that weeks from now -- maybe after New Year's. People who drink too much tend to overindulge during the holiday season, so you'd have a recent episode to discuss; if you feel you must have this conversation, it's not to your benefit to begin with her long-term drinking patterns. It will come off like you've been tallying and judging for ages. Start with the current event, reference past history, and then, if you want to highlight the effect on your friendship, it's "And last year, when we were talking about traveling together, the idea of being responsible for both of us if you became incapacitated really made me feel unsafe and anxious." (She may not thank you for your concern.)

3) If you do end up traveling next summer with your boyfriend: either the money situation worked out (for all she'll know, he's picking up much of the tab), or ___. (Even if that difficult conversation was a wake-up call, she'd still be a newly-sober person aware of your traveling-with-her reservations.)

Just don't say your boyfriend is the reason for backing out, which might prompt a gracious "Of course, he'd be welcome!" and then you have to double down on making him the cloddish heavy, suddenly inspired to make a romantic, couple-only trip despite you and your friend having previous, if nebulous, plans. That's some spouse-level blame, and you'll want to keep an emergency-out option like that in reserve. It's only been a month; you haven't signed anything in blood, and plenty of people take a look at their bank accounts, eyeball their upcoming expenses, and have to nope out of plans.
posted by Iris Gambol at 4:48 PM on October 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

I will give the anecdote that I did have to, at one point, have a somewhat similar experience with a friend in that I needed to tell them that I didn't want to keep going out to bars with them or concerts with them because their drinking was sometimes at a level where they were unsafe and I was unsafe because of their actions. It was a wake-up call to that friend. They did not stop drinking entirely, but since we had that conversation they did greatly reduce their drinking and I haven't had any experiences with them in which I felt unsafe.

I guess to me my willingness to talk about that with them was very much based in the depth and quality of the friendship. That friend is someone I've been in the trenches with and I very much want to spend time with them -- just not time where I'm constantly worrying that something terrible or dangerous is about to happen. It depends on your friendship with your friend - if it was my friend I would have said, "Man, you know I really thought about it, and I'm not sure that I'd feel totally safe in a foreign country if we were drinking, because girl, sometimes you know you drink too much and stuff gets kind of crazy." And then I'd go from there and tell her that I love her and love being with her and spending time together, but that sometimes I get scared when she drinks too much.

Good luck, dude, this is a hard one.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 6:31 PM on October 19, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'd like to add a little of my own personal experience.

Being cast in the role of "the responsible one" on a fun/party type outing (foreign or domestic) is WORK. It's a JOB. In this role, one is not "off the clock", one is working -- not a vacation. I've gotta REALLY love someone if i'm willing to take on that role at this point in my life, and looking back, there are dozens of times I should have been like "nope, I don't think I'll enjoy myself when I'm busy running security for both (or all) of us while you(se) are all gallivanting about without a care in the world, running amok and making my job that much harder and stressful."

It's also mostly a thankless job because rarely are your charges saying stuff like "thanks so much for making sure we weren't robbed last night or worse". Instead your reward will sound more like "why were you such a killjoy last night, those bikers seemed nice and they said they had lots of fun in store back at the clubhouse?!!!"
posted by some loser at 10:58 PM on October 19, 2017 [2 favorites]