How do I diplomatically resolve a possible dispute in my book club?
October 19, 2017 9:47 AM   Subscribe

I run a book club through my church, and I am foreseeing some drama on the horizon. What do I do? Details inside.

So I run a book club at my church. Every month we try and have a different person select the next month's book and lead that discussion. We strongly encourage newcomers to do this so they feel like they have a stake in the group. We've been running for more than a year now and so far everything's been fine.

Recently an acquaintance of mine started attending the book club with her ex-husband. I like her well enough but she tends to make herself the center of attention and can be somewhat pushy. Before attending her first meeting she bombarded me with book suggestions even after I explained how the selection process works. I get the sense that if she had her way she'd like to dictate the entire curriculum for the club.

At last month's meeting she suggested a book and we agreed to read it and have her host the discussion, which is her right as a new member. She subsequently emailed me to say that her ex would rather host that discussion and that she'd want to choose a new book and host a discussion about it at a later time. I agreed to this--even if she was essentially picking two books, if a separate person was leading the discussion each time it would fit her criteria.

Today she emails me and says that they will miss this month's meeting due to a family emergency, leaving me to run the discussion. I am fine with that, but I do not want her to feel entitled to pick yet another selection because the ex wasn't actually able to run this discussion. She has yet to intimate that she has that expectation but I strongly suspect that's where this is going.

My question is twofold: how do I explain this to her, and how do I explain this to the group? My plan is to let her pick a second book and let her run a discussion, but I don't want "the ex" to be able to pick another book and run a discussion. I strongly feel like this couple is only entitled to make two selections total until everyone else who attends the club has had a chance to pick another book. We are UUs so we are sensitive and strive to be kind while also being highly individualistic and idiosyncratic. Not really sure how to proceed from here.
posted by zeusianfog to Human Relations (7 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Say "That is fine, I will lead the discussion. Per the rules, this will cover X's book selection until their time cycles around again."
posted by demiurge at 9:51 AM on October 19, 2017 [25 favorites]


Oh, yeah, to anyone who asks, “ex-husband picked the November book, and will get to pick again after everyone else has had a turn” is such a self-evident thing to say that no reasonable participant would bat an eye.
posted by tchemgrrl at 9:54 AM on October 19, 2017 [12 favorites]


Running the discussion is a subtask of choosing the book. They chose a book, so now they'll have to wait their turn again.
posted by rhizome at 10:04 AM on October 19, 2017 [1 favorite]


Yeah, demiurge has it. Any ensuing drama would be entirely her making.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:19 AM on October 19, 2017 [1 favorite]


Best answer: I agree with others, that you don't yet have a dispute. However, this might be a great time to put together a policy! (this is what saves our ass in libraries all the time) It can be a friendly thing that would be useful for new members with info about the club like when it meets, contact info for group, expectations ("You must read the book" or not!) but it can also outline some of the expectations of the group which can include some stuff like nitty gritty about what happens if you pick a book and can't attend, number of "picks" one couple can get, each person has to pick their own book, etc. If you anticipate that this really may turn dramatic I would counsel you to find another group member and share your concerns and, if necessary, take it to the open group for discussion. They probably don't want one person running a list of their own picks either and you can gently "defer to the group" if it comes to that.
posted by jessamyn at 7:54 PM on October 19, 2017 [2 favorites]


Set up a written schedule to make the system clear:

Column headings: Month; Chooser/Leader; Book; Substitute Leader if any

July 2017: Somebody, Their book, n/a

August 2017: Somebody else, Their book, n/a

September 2017: Ex, Ex's Book, Zeusianfog

October 2017: Acquaintance, Acq's Book, ___________

November 2017: Another member, Their book, _________

December 2017-Spring: already filled in with tentative turns of all the other members, leaving no room to slide in a special turn for Acquaintance or Ex.
posted by JimN2TAW at 7:45 PM on October 20, 2017


Since the discussion seems to have been entirely with Acquaintance, I would consider sending an email to BOTH A and Ex saying, "Normally when a member picks a book and then can't make it to the meeting to lead the session, that still counts as their turn to select and lead. In this case, Acq. picked the book and then Ex agreed to lead, with the understanding that the book would be considered his pick. So unless you two let me know otherwise, we will consider this as Ex's (not Acq's) book choice. Looking forward to seeing both of you at the next meeting"
posted by metahawk at 9:58 PM on October 20, 2017


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