Amazing sex again without toxic ex? Seems impossible. Anyone overcome?
October 13, 2017 3:00 PM Subscribe
I finally got the strength and willpower up to leave my abusive ex of ~2.5-3 years. My ex is still keeping me on a small string due to the fact that our sex was absolutely earth-shattering (best we've ever had by far). My ex has led me to believe slowly over time with comments and insinuations and flat out statements that this is so rare I will never find it without them. A good part of me believes them. I am looking for anecdotes about situations where someone believed this to be true but later found it wasn't true when they were fully able to move on, or maybe information about how someone can get in ones head over time and plant this belief so firmly that it sticks? How to unstick if it is unlikely to be true? I believe this is the one fear keeping me from moving on from this person so I'd like to know how accurate it might be.
Do not believe your partner. There is great sex out there. It doesn't just hump (typo and it stays) in your lap, but it is out there. Your partner is trying to manipulate you into staying with them. If you stay with them, you won't be able to look for other great sex. Besides, clean breakups are always best. Give yourself some time to see what you've been missing.
posted by NoraCharles at 3:08 PM on October 13, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by NoraCharles at 3:08 PM on October 13, 2017 [7 favorites]
Your ex is being manipulative and lying to you to prey on your vulnerabilities. How in the world would they know who you might meet, what your future relationships might hold, and how smokin' hot those relationships will be?
Here's something to help you fully leave this person: your sexual capabilities are yours. The fact that you were able to manifest so much passion and pleasure is because you can tap into those powerful forces within yourself. Your ex did not elicit that response or somehow will it into being. It was always within you and you can bring it into your sexual relationships going forward.
Thankfully, awesome sex is not rare. It is not a limited resource. Your ex does not own exclusive licensing right to good sex. There is *plenty* of awesome sex out there in the world and you can and will manifest it because your own passion and pleasure will ensure it.
You are careful not to specify gender here, and I am not presuming. However the dynamic of really intense sex fueling abusive relationships is skillfully discussed in Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That, about abusive men in relationship with women. Even if the genders are otherwise in your situation, it's a book worth reading for many reasons as you leave an abusive relationship--including this one.
Good luck.
posted by Sublimity at 3:10 PM on October 13, 2017 [15 favorites]
Here's something to help you fully leave this person: your sexual capabilities are yours. The fact that you were able to manifest so much passion and pleasure is because you can tap into those powerful forces within yourself. Your ex did not elicit that response or somehow will it into being. It was always within you and you can bring it into your sexual relationships going forward.
Thankfully, awesome sex is not rare. It is not a limited resource. Your ex does not own exclusive licensing right to good sex. There is *plenty* of awesome sex out there in the world and you can and will manifest it because your own passion and pleasure will ensure it.
You are careful not to specify gender here, and I am not presuming. However the dynamic of really intense sex fueling abusive relationships is skillfully discussed in Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That, about abusive men in relationship with women. Even if the genders are otherwise in your situation, it's a book worth reading for many reasons as you leave an abusive relationship--including this one.
Good luck.
posted by Sublimity at 3:10 PM on October 13, 2017 [15 favorites]
My abuser said this to me. I really believed it. Time has passed, and now I can look back on that and laugh right in its face. He lied to me in so many ways, but the lie that our sex was good, and that I would never have good or better sex with anyone else, was a particularly pernicious one.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Take care of yourself. I promise you, everything--sex, food, hobbies, work, and again, absolutely and unequivocally, the sex--in your life will be much better without this person in it. That won't happen immediately, but it will happen. I encourage you to build up a support network and to draw on that network as you work through this. Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 3:27 PM on October 13, 2017 [6 favorites]
I'm sorry you're going through this. Take care of yourself. I promise you, everything--sex, food, hobbies, work, and again, absolutely and unequivocally, the sex--in your life will be much better without this person in it. That won't happen immediately, but it will happen. I encourage you to build up a support network and to draw on that network as you work through this. Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 3:27 PM on October 13, 2017 [6 favorites]
My ex told me all the time how amazing he was at sex. How educated he was. How he was going to "teach me" all these things. How he was a sexual god. And I believed him. After all I was young (very young). And I thought he WAS the best sex. I fully believed that no one else would compare. That it was an honor to be blessed by his dick.
Until I left. And had great times with some other people.
AND until I met my husband. And we have an AMAZING time. In our 8 years together I can only think of a handful of times that weren't amazing - and they all had to do with one of us not feeling well or something else outside of our control that got in the way. Just normal life stuff.
See, when you are REALLY compatible with someone, and you're not in a crappy relationship where they're trying to convince you how wonderful they are - things flow better. My husband and I communicate our needs. He has actually taken the time to listen to what I want. He makes me feel so confident in my body and in myself. We giggle and have fun.
My ex would TELL me what I want. And boast about how good things were, but never took the time to learn my wishes or wants or preferences. If he couldn't do something I wanted he made me act like I was nuts and would abandon it.
It was eye opening to be with people who actually cared what I wanted it in bed. Who took the time to learn and listen. Who didn't coerce me into something I was uncomfortable with because I would "love it so much" (Spoiler, I didn't love a lot of those things.)
Never ONCE did my husband boast about how great he was in bed. In fact he had only been with a few people. But we clicked. And he listened. And we communicate. And he has a passion and respect for me as a person. (As did some flings before him, but not to the same level of course.)
My ex would do very similar things, talking about how other people weren't as good and suck and dont know what they're doing. And it's all bullshit. Maybe they really think they're that great? But they're not. The most boastful people are often the worst and whatever they're talking about.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:28 PM on October 13, 2017 [5 favorites]
Until I left. And had great times with some other people.
AND until I met my husband. And we have an AMAZING time. In our 8 years together I can only think of a handful of times that weren't amazing - and they all had to do with one of us not feeling well or something else outside of our control that got in the way. Just normal life stuff.
See, when you are REALLY compatible with someone, and you're not in a crappy relationship where they're trying to convince you how wonderful they are - things flow better. My husband and I communicate our needs. He has actually taken the time to listen to what I want. He makes me feel so confident in my body and in myself. We giggle and have fun.
My ex would TELL me what I want. And boast about how good things were, but never took the time to learn my wishes or wants or preferences. If he couldn't do something I wanted he made me act like I was nuts and would abandon it.
It was eye opening to be with people who actually cared what I wanted it in bed. Who took the time to learn and listen. Who didn't coerce me into something I was uncomfortable with because I would "love it so much" (Spoiler, I didn't love a lot of those things.)
Never ONCE did my husband boast about how great he was in bed. In fact he had only been with a few people. But we clicked. And he listened. And we communicate. And he has a passion and respect for me as a person. (As did some flings before him, but not to the same level of course.)
My ex would do very similar things, talking about how other people weren't as good and suck and dont know what they're doing. And it's all bullshit. Maybe they really think they're that great? But they're not. The most boastful people are often the worst and whatever they're talking about.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:28 PM on October 13, 2017 [5 favorites]
I was with a narcissist before I met my husband. The narcissist and I had mind-blowing sex. I never thought I'd have such amazing sex again. (FTR my husband and his immediate, also disordered, ex-gf also had mind-blowing sex, I'm told.) But it wasn't based on emotional intimacy. It was based on physicality only.
The sex you have with someone who truly, TRULY knows you is better than mind-blowing. Whatever that superlative is, that's what it is.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 3:32 PM on October 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
The sex you have with someone who truly, TRULY knows you is better than mind-blowing. Whatever that superlative is, that's what it is.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 3:32 PM on October 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
If you fuck three people, the odds are 1/3 that the last one is your Best. Lay. Ever.
If you fuck twelve more, the odds fall to 1/15.
Now, why would an abuser try to limit your experience?
Could it be they are afraid of being found out.. or surpassed?
Fuck more people.
posted by fritillary at 3:43 PM on October 13, 2017 [25 favorites]
If you fuck twelve more, the odds fall to 1/15.
Now, why would an abuser try to limit your experience?
Could it be they are afraid of being found out.. or surpassed?
Fuck more people.
posted by fritillary at 3:43 PM on October 13, 2017 [25 favorites]
Your ability to have - to create - amazing, earth-shattering, soul-inspiring sex increases with experience. There is no Magic Soulmate Person who is the only one who can bring you true orgasmic bliss.
In other words: It's not them; it's you. Go find someone worth sharing the experience with.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 3:43 PM on October 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
In other words: It's not them; it's you. Go find someone worth sharing the experience with.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 3:43 PM on October 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
A few more thoughts. I think it's telling that you say that the sex is the best "we've" ever had. The use of the word we is a perhaps unintentional, but still telling linguistic turn that prioritizes the relationship over you, the individual. By doing so it also subsumes your "I" into the "we." This sublimation of the self is what abusers do to us, and the "we" is a lie: it's them. They get to be a person, and you don't.
The cycle of violence is something that you may want to learn more about. This is the way in which abusers set up a dynamic which then allows these types of beliefs (chiefly, that whatever crumbs they're offering are the best we can ever hope for, and really, we deserve even less, so we should be grateful for what we do get) to propagate in the victims' heads.
I want to caution you that leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship, and that it often takes most of us many attempts before we finally break the cycle and actually leave for good. When I was in your situation, the domestic violence support center run by a domestic violence shelter in my town was incredibly helpful. I did not think that I belonged there, because I didn't think my abuse was bad enough. Trust me when I say that my abuse was bad enough, and your abuse is as well. Whatever it is, you have identified it, and now you need to get out of it. I found the national domestic violence hotline to be incredibly helpful as well. Sometimes leaving takes a bit of time, and it is OK to secretly plan and get your ducks in a row so that you can leave safely. Talk about a safety plan with this trained individuals. And try to be careful about searching for things on devices that they have access to. I have linked only to sites that have a quick escape link on each page in this comment, make sure to practice extra good computer security safety right now.
Take care of yourself, and be kind to yourself.
posted by sockermom at 3:47 PM on October 13, 2017 [5 favorites]
The cycle of violence is something that you may want to learn more about. This is the way in which abusers set up a dynamic which then allows these types of beliefs (chiefly, that whatever crumbs they're offering are the best we can ever hope for, and really, we deserve even less, so we should be grateful for what we do get) to propagate in the victims' heads.
I want to caution you that leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship, and that it often takes most of us many attempts before we finally break the cycle and actually leave for good. When I was in your situation, the domestic violence support center run by a domestic violence shelter in my town was incredibly helpful. I did not think that I belonged there, because I didn't think my abuse was bad enough. Trust me when I say that my abuse was bad enough, and your abuse is as well. Whatever it is, you have identified it, and now you need to get out of it. I found the national domestic violence hotline to be incredibly helpful as well. Sometimes leaving takes a bit of time, and it is OK to secretly plan and get your ducks in a row so that you can leave safely. Talk about a safety plan with this trained individuals. And try to be careful about searching for things on devices that they have access to. I have linked only to sites that have a quick escape link on each page in this comment, make sure to practice extra good computer security safety right now.
Take care of yourself, and be kind to yourself.
posted by sockermom at 3:47 PM on October 13, 2017 [5 favorites]
Fritillary is right. In order to find out if they were actually the best, you clearly need more data. Lots more data. Go out and fuck more people.
posted by bile and syntax at 4:01 PM on October 13, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by bile and syntax at 4:01 PM on October 13, 2017 [10 favorites]
The breakup with my ex hit me hard for this reason. I was ready for a life of disappointment and celibacy. Well, I found better sex - immeasurably better - with my very next partner only a few months later.
At the time of the breakup, I couldn't have imagined it. But that's how these things work. It's scary because it's a leap into the unknown. Even if what you had with your ex was really horrible except the sex, it's known and therefore comfortable. Take the leap and trust in what you'll find.
posted by wreckofthehesperus at 5:11 PM on October 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
At the time of the breakup, I couldn't have imagined it. But that's how these things work. It's scary because it's a leap into the unknown. Even if what you had with your ex was really horrible except the sex, it's known and therefore comfortable. Take the leap and trust in what you'll find.
posted by wreckofthehesperus at 5:11 PM on October 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
Have not been in your shoes. Have had great sex with several partners. So yeah, that's bullshit. Don't believe it.
posted by Bella Donna at 5:20 PM on October 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Bella Donna at 5:20 PM on October 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
Oh, anon, there are billions of people in this world. Go have amazing sex with some of them who aren't toxic! (Amazing sex with someone you like is way better than amazing sex with someone you don't like.)
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:30 PM on October 13, 2017
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:30 PM on October 13, 2017
Lots of good advice upthread, but it's also worth noting that, ya know, people can get better at sex. Sex is a skill, not an inherent mystical trait, and as such can be practiced and improved. Better to find someone who's not a jerk and start out with okay sex and improve with time.
posted by Wretch729 at 5:32 PM on October 13, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by Wretch729 at 5:32 PM on October 13, 2017 [6 favorites]
Does this dude think he's some kind of Unique Sex God? Based on what? Did he get a special Sex Trophy at the Sex Olympics? How the literal fuck would he know what kinds of experiences you could have with other people?
posted by praemunire at 5:49 PM on October 13, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 5:49 PM on October 13, 2017 [3 favorites]
(In case it isn't obvious from the above, my suggested technique for diminishing the power of this claim is to recognize how just absurd and ridiculous it is once you get out of his little fantasy land. This is a claim that should literally be laughed at--at least in your head, if it's not safe to do so to his face.)
posted by praemunire at 5:50 PM on October 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 5:50 PM on October 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
You don't mention the gender of your ex but this is so totally pickup artist BS I'm going to assume it's a dude. Even if not, replace every mention of "dick" with whatever sexual apparatus you like in this article about "dickonomics".
posted by fiercekitten at 5:59 PM on October 13, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by fiercekitten at 5:59 PM on October 13, 2017 [3 favorites]
It sounds to me like your ex is amazingly insecure and afraid that you might actually go out, find and be in other non-shitty relationships where you can compare for yourself. You have only his word to go by that you won't find anything better, and he has a pretty significant self-interest in exaggerating his own prowess here.
posted by Aleyn at 7:50 PM on October 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Aleyn at 7:50 PM on October 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
Frankly, give it a little while because there are a lot of other lovely and interesting people out there, and you will find someone who catches your fancy. As someone who was in your shoes a year ago, I promise that you should not give this person a chance. You may not ever be revolted by the memory of this wonderful sex, but you will be pretty apathetic to it in a few weeks or months. Also remember, you are a precious person! This person manipulated you into thinking they are great and you are bad, but the OPPOSITE is the case. You should view any offer of sex from them with great suspicion.
The sex is likely "amazing" in your mind because:
A) If the relationship was abusive, it is likely that sex served as a reprieve for you from ongoing feelings of anxiety, misery, worthlessness, and fear. Maybe it was the only time you felt your ex actually accepted you. Every person needs to connect, and if he wasn't treating you poorly during the sex, it is likely that you have an inflated view of it. A sort of "honeymoon" effect perhaps? I hate to tell you what to feel, but I do think looking back on my own abusive relationship that the sex always a highlight IN CONTRAST to the lack of tenderness, pleasure, and positive chemistry in other aspects of the relationship.
B) Are you into BDSM? Sometimes if we ahem, like to treat or be treated mean in bed, this can involuntarily come up in real life scenarios in bed with people who are mean to us and who we sort of hate. This is why hate sex is a thing. Don't romanticize it. This person wasn't actually meeting your needs - paradoxically, if they knew what you wanted, they probably would have found a way to totally screw it up. So if this is you, go and explore those needs!
posted by karmachameleon at 10:32 PM on October 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
The sex is likely "amazing" in your mind because:
A) If the relationship was abusive, it is likely that sex served as a reprieve for you from ongoing feelings of anxiety, misery, worthlessness, and fear. Maybe it was the only time you felt your ex actually accepted you. Every person needs to connect, and if he wasn't treating you poorly during the sex, it is likely that you have an inflated view of it. A sort of "honeymoon" effect perhaps? I hate to tell you what to feel, but I do think looking back on my own abusive relationship that the sex always a highlight IN CONTRAST to the lack of tenderness, pleasure, and positive chemistry in other aspects of the relationship.
B) Are you into BDSM? Sometimes if we ahem, like to treat or be treated mean in bed, this can involuntarily come up in real life scenarios in bed with people who are mean to us and who we sort of hate. This is why hate sex is a thing. Don't romanticize it. This person wasn't actually meeting your needs - paradoxically, if they knew what you wanted, they probably would have found a way to totally screw it up. So if this is you, go and explore those needs!
posted by karmachameleon at 10:32 PM on October 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
Sex isn't that hard. It's highly unlikely that your ex is some sort of sex prodigy. What they ARE is a controlling abusive piece of shit.
It's not worth it. Other people are good at sex. And if they aren't, you can teach them what you like. Failing that, many excellent sex toys exist. Orgasms abound in the world, awaiting you, completely independent of this thundering fuckwit.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:27 AM on October 14, 2017 [6 favorites]
It's not worth it. Other people are good at sex. And if they aren't, you can teach them what you like. Failing that, many excellent sex toys exist. Orgasms abound in the world, awaiting you, completely independent of this thundering fuckwit.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:27 AM on October 14, 2017 [6 favorites]
Your ex is trying to hold onto you with the last bit of control they have.
It's hard for you to believe that there's better sex because you haven't experienced anything better. That's completely understandable. And if this is something your ex wanted you to believe, they started planting that seed early, as part of the mythology of your relationship, of the love you shared when you loved them. It's part of your story together, and that's tough to dig out.
There's better sex out there. I promise that there is better sex out there. When you're away from the abusive toxicity, your whole physicality will change. You will change. You'll be able to have better sex just by yourself.
When you're with someone who loves you for you, and wants to make you happy, instead of themselves at your expense, it's a different experience entirely.
posted by knitcrazybooknut at 9:43 PM on October 14, 2017
It's hard for you to believe that there's better sex because you haven't experienced anything better. That's completely understandable. And if this is something your ex wanted you to believe, they started planting that seed early, as part of the mythology of your relationship, of the love you shared when you loved them. It's part of your story together, and that's tough to dig out.
There's better sex out there. I promise that there is better sex out there. When you're away from the abusive toxicity, your whole physicality will change. You will change. You'll be able to have better sex just by yourself.
When you're with someone who loves you for you, and wants to make you happy, instead of themselves at your expense, it's a different experience entirely.
posted by knitcrazybooknut at 9:43 PM on October 14, 2017
It might help to think about "having good sex" as a skill you can practice and use and not just a skill someone else uses on you or teaches to you.
It is super common to have a relationship where you discover a ton of stuff about what you like and want sexually, and about how to share and communicate that with someone else. And a good thing to remember, when a relationship like that ends, is that those skills are transferrable — and that often, the ex you learned them with wasn't some Ascended Master Sex God Teacher; may not even have understood himself the stuff you learned in the relationship; but was just a catalyst, just some regular dumb human who happened to give you a bit of inspiration that you used to build yourself a more awesome sex life.
There are other people in the world whose sexual wants and needs are compatible with yours. Now that you've learned more about what good sex is like for you, and what those wants and needs are, you'll be better able to find those other people and connect with them.
Your ex wasn't the best sex you'll ever have. He definitely wasn't the best relationship. He's just this asshole who happened to catalyze some insights that opened a door for you. You can still walk through that door, keep on going, and leave him behind. There will be other people on the other side who you can practice your newfound skills and understanding with — and some of those other people won't be abusive assholes.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:39 AM on October 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
It is super common to have a relationship where you discover a ton of stuff about what you like and want sexually, and about how to share and communicate that with someone else. And a good thing to remember, when a relationship like that ends, is that those skills are transferrable — and that often, the ex you learned them with wasn't some Ascended Master Sex God Teacher; may not even have understood himself the stuff you learned in the relationship; but was just a catalyst, just some regular dumb human who happened to give you a bit of inspiration that you used to build yourself a more awesome sex life.
There are other people in the world whose sexual wants and needs are compatible with yours. Now that you've learned more about what good sex is like for you, and what those wants and needs are, you'll be better able to find those other people and connect with them.
Your ex wasn't the best sex you'll ever have. He definitely wasn't the best relationship. He's just this asshole who happened to catalyze some insights that opened a door for you. You can still walk through that door, keep on going, and leave him behind. There will be other people on the other side who you can practice your newfound skills and understanding with — and some of those other people won't be abusive assholes.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:39 AM on October 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
Yes to all of these other comments!
I had mind-blowing sex when I was in a relationship with an emotionally abusive person (narcissism? BPD? something in there). One kind of weird thing is that he would *talk* about how good it was, all the time. He would say things like, "This is the BEST I've had in my LIFE!" and wait for me to say the same back to him. I mean it WAS really, really good. But I kept thinking to myself, "Wait, is this the BEST EVERRR...? Or is it just really amazing in a way that sex is often really amazing?" It felt like he wanted to formally cement its mind-blowingness so he could use it later to manipulate me.
We broke up.
Then I went back to an old partner, and I felt like THAT was the best ever. I mean, I no longer had to deal with emotional discomfort underneath physical bliss, it was bliss + bliss all around! Sex is fun. And I think that the natural arc of things is for sex to just keep getting better and better - with each experience, you learn more about pleasing & being pleased. You get to experiment and learn more about what you like the best - and how to communicate to get it!
In sum, toxic ex is TRASH. Ditch him forevermore, because your sex life will only get better (especially when toxicity doesn't have an invitation to the party). You deserve earth-shattering sex + healthiness, all around. Go get it!
posted by red_rabbit at 12:02 PM on October 15, 2017
I had mind-blowing sex when I was in a relationship with an emotionally abusive person (narcissism? BPD? something in there). One kind of weird thing is that he would *talk* about how good it was, all the time. He would say things like, "This is the BEST I've had in my LIFE!" and wait for me to say the same back to him. I mean it WAS really, really good. But I kept thinking to myself, "Wait, is this the BEST EVERRR...? Or is it just really amazing in a way that sex is often really amazing?" It felt like he wanted to formally cement its mind-blowingness so he could use it later to manipulate me.
We broke up.
Then I went back to an old partner, and I felt like THAT was the best ever. I mean, I no longer had to deal with emotional discomfort underneath physical bliss, it was bliss + bliss all around! Sex is fun. And I think that the natural arc of things is for sex to just keep getting better and better - with each experience, you learn more about pleasing & being pleased. You get to experiment and learn more about what you like the best - and how to communicate to get it!
In sum, toxic ex is TRASH. Ditch him forevermore, because your sex life will only get better (especially when toxicity doesn't have an invitation to the party). You deserve earth-shattering sex + healthiness, all around. Go get it!
posted by red_rabbit at 12:02 PM on October 15, 2017
I've been where you are, exactly. The thing about toxic people, and relationships, is that the sex is always unbelievable! And it should be a sign of something not right. My ex was emotionally abusive, and our relationship was not healthy- and it took me a year without him to actually understand what the hell was going on. I was so intoxicated by the passion, the sex, the attraction that I completely gave up myself and power without even realizing it. It has been a struggle to accept that I totally lost myself to someone- its like I was living in a dream or fog. My ex was manipulative, probaly a narcissist, and one of the most passionate persons I have ever met. I'm saying all this, because I have realized people like this (abusers) tend to have mind blowing sex, because that is what makes them feel powerful. That is what connects them to their partners and makes them feel good. They use sex in order to get that feeling of release from everything that is pent up inside of them (there was a really good article on this that I can't find); but it explains how a toxic person has so much anger, rage, saddness, insecurities inside that sex to them is that moment where they feel everything has been let go of- that is why they are so good at it. It's their connection to themselves and the women, and they can then use it to say- hey, you won't find ANYTHING better than this. Trust me, you will. And you will be surprised when you meet a healthy, stable person that the sex is not mind blowing, that you realize- that stuff is the least of your worries.
I don't know what it is with your ex as there isn't much detail about his personality but, with my ex, sex was his most powerful tool in his bag. AND, he would always throw the you won't find anyone better card out there- and that is not true, they just want to keep you stuck thinking they are the best of the best. I realize that my ex was so good at sex because that was the only way it made him feel good, powerful, and like a "man," and that was what was dangerous about it- yes, it was mind blowing, and I will probably never find someone AS great and compatible sexually, but it's all a front. You will forget about it soon, and even if you don't find someone as "good," you will realize that it doesn't really matter because you will find happiness and more joy in other aspects of the relationship. And please believe me when I say YES, you will find someone else who is just as good, but maybe a little less, and you will be amazed and how much you realize you didn't actually need that as much as you thought. It's like a drug right now, you seriously just need time and those feelings will go away. I thought I would never move past it, but I have since dated a number of men (not necessarily slept with any of them), but I have had some encourters with one or two that I dated for a couple months that were pretty close to as mind blowing, and one guy who was not at all but who I actually really like because he treats me with respect and is sweet- that I am more smitten with than I was ever with my ex. Sexual chemistry should be there, but the mind blowing aspect of a toxic relationship is something you probably won't find, and if you do, be leeary becasue it's a sign of something that could be toxic again. I hope this all makes sense. You will get there, I promise. It took me a year.... but now, I went from a person who didn't know how I could ever let my ex go, especially the sex, but I am so happy now and I wouldn't touch this man ever again because I've found things that are so much more amazing than just that mind blowing sex. Plus, you kinda realize once you step back for a while, just how toxic they are! Start working on yourself, block him, do not speak to him again because it is not useful for you, and once you feel happy with yourself, where you are in your life, your hobbies, etc... then start dating. Go on one or two dates a week (not necessarily sleeping with people), but seeing that there are so many men out there, good men, will really help you grow and get your mind off this toxicity that is like a drug.
posted by MamaBee223 at 6:32 AM on October 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
I don't know what it is with your ex as there isn't much detail about his personality but, with my ex, sex was his most powerful tool in his bag. AND, he would always throw the you won't find anyone better card out there- and that is not true, they just want to keep you stuck thinking they are the best of the best. I realize that my ex was so good at sex because that was the only way it made him feel good, powerful, and like a "man," and that was what was dangerous about it- yes, it was mind blowing, and I will probably never find someone AS great and compatible sexually, but it's all a front. You will forget about it soon, and even if you don't find someone as "good," you will realize that it doesn't really matter because you will find happiness and more joy in other aspects of the relationship. And please believe me when I say YES, you will find someone else who is just as good, but maybe a little less, and you will be amazed and how much you realize you didn't actually need that as much as you thought. It's like a drug right now, you seriously just need time and those feelings will go away. I thought I would never move past it, but I have since dated a number of men (not necessarily slept with any of them), but I have had some encourters with one or two that I dated for a couple months that were pretty close to as mind blowing, and one guy who was not at all but who I actually really like because he treats me with respect and is sweet- that I am more smitten with than I was ever with my ex. Sexual chemistry should be there, but the mind blowing aspect of a toxic relationship is something you probably won't find, and if you do, be leeary becasue it's a sign of something that could be toxic again. I hope this all makes sense. You will get there, I promise. It took me a year.... but now, I went from a person who didn't know how I could ever let my ex go, especially the sex, but I am so happy now and I wouldn't touch this man ever again because I've found things that are so much more amazing than just that mind blowing sex. Plus, you kinda realize once you step back for a while, just how toxic they are! Start working on yourself, block him, do not speak to him again because it is not useful for you, and once you feel happy with yourself, where you are in your life, your hobbies, etc... then start dating. Go on one or two dates a week (not necessarily sleeping with people), but seeing that there are so many men out there, good men, will really help you grow and get your mind off this toxicity that is like a drug.
posted by MamaBee223 at 6:32 AM on October 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
I have an ex about whom I once thought our sex was "mind blowing" and superlative. In retrospect though:
1. it wasn't the Best Sex I've Ever Had, just the best sex I'd had up to that point
2. it was never worth the way she treated me
3. I honestly don't remember the sex in detail now, 10 years later. I DO remember the pain she brought into my life.
4. Someone said something like this above - I'm now in a relationship based on intimacy and mutuality and I'd describe the sex now as transcendent, spiritual, truly beautiful, which is way better than "mind blowing" IMO.
posted by eustacescrubb at 11:15 AM on October 25, 2017
1. it wasn't the Best Sex I've Ever Had, just the best sex I'd had up to that point
2. it was never worth the way she treated me
3. I honestly don't remember the sex in detail now, 10 years later. I DO remember the pain she brought into my life.
4. Someone said something like this above - I'm now in a relationship based on intimacy and mutuality and I'd describe the sex now as transcendent, spiritual, truly beautiful, which is way better than "mind blowing" IMO.
posted by eustacescrubb at 11:15 AM on October 25, 2017
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Leaving that aside: wouldn't you rather have sex that is only almost as good from someone that doesn't treat you like crap when you're not naked?
posted by wabbittwax at 3:06 PM on October 13, 2017 [42 favorites]