Why can't I let go of someone?
October 1, 2017 10:58 PM   Subscribe

I know that I don't need better reasons for my brain, but if anyone can offer insight that would help with any of these things, I think it would help my heart.

We had a relationship for about 7 months before he moved away (800+ miles), then a few months long distance before he broke things off in part (but obviously not entirely) because he didn't see himself moving back. We both seemed unsatisfied with letting go, though, and continued a very fulfilling friendship that was also an ambiguous romance for about 2 years after that. He cut it off multiple times (and rekindled it each time as well) and has finally done so about two months ago, and this time it feels very final.

We disagreed respectfully, we enjoyed each other, we shared values and interests, traveled together well, didn't get on each other's nerves, and generally got each other. Whatever he was dissatisfied about, it wasn't that either of us was behaving badly or we weren't getting along. My guess is that he never felt that the 'magic' element was quite right or that in spite of attraction and connection some kind of bond was missing or something similarly ineffable.

I know that rationally someone deciding multiple times not to be with you when you would not have made that decision is a good enough reason to move the heck on. A quote I saw to this effect was something like: "The love you can count on is the one that keeps coming back over and over again without you even holding onto it." But I have had a hard time doing so, for some reasons that I know are not reasonable and some that are perhaps understandable. I know that I don't need better reasons for my brain, but if anyone can offer insight that would help with any of these things, I think it would help my heart. For reference, I'm 29.

When I asked myself why I'm not letting go, these were some of my answers:

- He was my first kiss at 25 and the first person I slept with at 27. He was affectionate, understanding, and kind and we shared a whole lot of good times, good books, good music, and good travels that taught each of us important things. Until I let go, I am able to hold onto the belief that significant relationships aren't disposable.

- Even though the relationship extended over almost 3 years, because of the distance and my taking a long time to get comfortable with physical intimacy, we only slept together for what would amount to a couple weeks of nights. I feel really awkward about the idea of potentially dating someone else and having to say, ya I have had sex before but only a few times and I really have no idea what I'm doing and we need to go really really slow (lying would make it impossible to sustain as a serious relationship and I don't really like the idea of pursuing a relationship without significant feelings). I think part of me is holding on because his past ambivalence makes me think he could change his mind again, as someone who knows where I am at with these things, which would be logistically helpful to me, and I'm afraid to breach this with someone else, even if I became interested in someone.

- When I let go of a previous friendship with deep emotional intimacy, a few years later I found that I had zero feelings towards the person at all - complete apathy/numbness. I had experienced this kind of numbness/lack of ability to feel strong emotions for much of my adolescence and feel real discomfort experiencing it again, after having developed a warmer, richer, fuller emotional spectrum over the past 7 years. I'm afraid that if I let go of this relationship, with someone who was an of course flawed but good person, I will end up experiencing that same coldness/indifference towards him. I want to be able to keep a place for him in my heart, but right now I don't know how to do that without filling my whole heart.

- I don't want to let go of the shared history and memories we have developed. They encompass a lot of formative experiences and I am hesitant to move on to people who will not know me as I used to be.

- When we were together or bounced into an on-again phase, he was always the most expressive and took the initiative. These kinds of mixed signals make me think he could always change his mind again. Part of me thinks I can will the story into a happy ending (i.e., a relationship that continues or gets to a point that feels like closure to me).

- I'm afraid to let go of the parts of myself that he helped bring out and that I don't have other conduits for. I think we all know that different people bring out different sides of ourselves. Especially because of our history, he brings out parts of me that are unique because my present job and other friends don't relate to those things, but I like them. Those qualities are very hard to find. They make me feel grounded, and I'm afraid that in letting go of him, I would over time diminish these now-valued sides of myself.


Just to be clear, these were my honest answers to myself. I know rationally that they are misguided, flawed, and/or unreasonable for a number of reasons and sometimes sound very passive/pathetic. I'm asking for help making the emotional linkage that will help me make the right decisions.
posted by grokfest to Human Relations (7 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: Wow, that sounds like really thoughtful, insightful answers.
I'm wondering if it would help to have a place to put those feelings and memories so you can trust that they won't be forgotten. Moving on does' have to mean forgetting. One idea would be to create a journal/scrapbook/letter for future your self, reminding future you of all the things that you valued that you valued in relationship and especially that you value or want to remember about who you were in the relationship that you want to hold to as you move forward into your future. The second though would be to plant a tree and in the ground at the roots put some symbol of the relationship as something that will feed the growing tree as your past feeds the person you are becoming.
posted by metahawk at 11:11 PM on October 1, 2017 [5 favorites]


That was your first relationship and this is your first break up? I think that, actually, you are processing it all very well and maybe just being a teeny bit impatient about getting over it. You don't need to do anything to let go of these feelings. They will just fade away by themselves, as other things come up and fill your life. Right now you are basically in a period of mourning and it's normal to dwell on it and wonder if there is a way back. Just keep out there doing hobbies and seeing friends and wait for this to become part of your past. Also, remember moving on doesn't mean the relationship didn't happen, or didn't mean anything.
posted by intensitymultiply at 12:49 AM on October 2, 2017 [3 favorites]


I love metahawk's advice above, and just want to add that it took me probably four years to really let go of a similar figure in my life, so the emotional linkage you seek may just be "a lot more time."

Also, remember that even though this person brought out these good qualities in yourself, those good qualities must have been there to start with -- that is you, it has always been you, and will always be a part of you.
posted by batter_my_heart at 12:54 AM on October 2, 2017 [5 favorites]


What you learned about yourself will not vanish. These insights are part of you now. There is no "previous version" of you- there is just the current you, knowing so much more about yourself than you did before. That change forms the person you present to others. Losing a person from your life does not delete everything that happened, or the things you said and did. As others said, this is a type of change you have not experienced before. You will very likely experience it many more times over the course of your life. People come in and out of your life, and you evolve, learning and growing and changing. The place in your heart you speak of is actually a place in you, as a person. He changed you. He is part of you. The memories and history are there, always. Don't fear they are lost. Just hearing the things you say in your question prove that fact.

Write about it, as others recommend. Journal all the thoughts and feelings. You may read it later and wonder where that all went, or where it came from, if you don't feel it intensely any more. But that is completely normal and in no way indicates any coldness or inadequacy on your part. That is just.... being human.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 2:36 AM on October 2, 2017 [3 favorites]


Best answer: Hi there - your post really resonated with me. This is a long message... I have gone through a lot of emotional terrain similar to yours, so my projection is that what I say might be helpful, close to your heart, and "you," nearly on the other side of things.

I've realized that the upshot of making my peace with my once-beautiful connection is that I've had to learn where my heart's "blind spots" are, to know what I'm susceptible to within the needing of their love, and how to stay in conscious awareness around my feelings. I tried so desperately to hold on to the reality that we'd always be close, and that whenever we made contact again, it would be intimate, and full of connection. Such is, of course, not necessarily the case, and that tore me up.

What has come to fruition for me over a few years is that my expectations of our connection are the core and the root of my problem. I've been down the rabbit hole of melancholy enough times, in visiting how things once were, that I have begun to feel dissatisfied by the overall process of entering into it, feeling it, and getting over it. Instead of honoring the connection, dwelling on it saps it of its genuine energy for me, contorts it into something that 'has to be' a certain way for me to get a charge out of it, and makes me upset at myself that I'm not doing things right to have them in my life. That spiral doesn't serve me any more.

I've realized over time that people's actions that hurt me and involve me are not specifically a reflection of my self-worth, but instead can only and solely be construed to where they are in their lives, currently. And that that doesn't have to involve me, no matter how close I once was to them: it's their lives, and the individuation of our human existence, that makes it that way.

Big, big first loves, in the onset or cusp of full maturity, are so amazing to our sense of self. They throw you for several loops, and they're pretty formative and definitive to how you see yourself as a loving person, lighting you up in ways that you grow to love yourself being lit up by. They make you yearn for their specific kind of validation, as we imagine they're the only ones we'd want to have give us it. And when we do not receive it, we create story about it to contain that emotion we feel in our longing-for-it, telling ourselves it's better to hold on to the chance of wonder happening, than to let it go: if only because we might miss it if we're not there, if only because feeling that pain about something so wonderful seems beautiful. The reminiscence and the poetic retrospect of feelings always seems so evocative, like the best thing we could hope for. And I'm here to tell you: it isn't.

You know what? It is true that you might not ever feel the same way again. It is true that there is a possibility, and a non-zero chance of there being a happy ending between you and him, but the probability of that happening is pretty slim, isn't it? And, it is true that in letting go of him, you will lose a part of yourself in the process, yes - only to find it through a rebirth of sorts. These are the hard realities we must encounter if we are to truly accept that what we had was simply there in-the-moment, back then. And that it is not, specifically speaking, there now, in the same fashion as it once was. Just point-blank. We're in a new era.

The good news of something feeling ‘true’ for you is that you never do really let go of it. It's yours. And if they're a connection that you do let go of, it's because it's a healthy thing to happen, and you're ready for it to be moved-on from. It sounds tremendously disquieting right now, to be freer of their confluence, but in time, whatever peace you settle into for yourself will be sensible to where you are in your life then. What I’m trying to say is that you needn't worry and clutch at holding on, or letting go, as if the decision you make now will always impact how you feel about them. In truth, though, I would venture to say that letting yourself be free, and others be free, sooner rather than later, allows for a healthier connection going forwards. (You need to let yourself be aware of this goal, if you do wish to reconnect as friends one day: to not ultimately need anything from them. That's your reset button. Friends don’t constantly need things from one another, except in very dire, rare circumstances.)

You ultimately will need to grieve your connection. Paradoxically, for me, that didn't end up meaning what I imagined a letting-go would feel like. Instead, it meant a taking-within. It is through a process of loving freely, and loving separately, and by remembering all of the wonderful things that happened, that we learn to love what was, for ourselves. It'll happen when it's ready. Journaling and writing right here is perfect. And in that on-the-spot eulogy for this connection with this person, we constructively get all of ourselves and them out there onto the page. We say everything that meant something in an effort to capture it while it’s still fresh, and so we can let it be alone. Make a ritual out of this passage. You'll know when you're ready.

I experienced this period of transitional grieving with the help of a counselor, which I would recommend if you have the means. He led me through experiencing my emotions much more distinctly, and I experienced particular benefit from somatic body work (where I felt things bodily, gave it attention, and went deep into it.) I can say the help of a professional really helped to help me feel the discernment of what I missed, grieved, and regretted the most, and it helped things come to pass for me.

Someday you will start fresh, emotionally, and things will be okay again. If you are ever distraught, give yourself a chance to feel the choice of two thoughts in particular: what is happy, and what is useful. That happy thought will allow you to embrace what was powerful about your connection without needing to regret that you do not have it any more. That useful thought will be the inferences you can make about your best foot forwards, no matter if it's only a pinky toe out. I'm glad this is so powerful for you.
posted by a good beginning at 10:58 AM on October 2, 2017 [17 favorites]


Grokfest, thanks for posting this question. I've enjoyed reading the responses because I find myself in a similar situation - my best friend departed for a different country and I have been feeling absolutely wretched, waiting to move on, and finding myself not able to.

Last night I had a long, long talk with my husband. He told me that my negative feelings were impacting him; that he wasn't able to reach out to me for the support he needed because I've been letting myself be consumed by something that - someone that is gone.

This conversation has really shifted my perspective, by putting how I feel in context of my existing relationships. I've not been keeping them healthy. My negative feelings have put me in a very selfish point of view.

It's not the place I want to be. I want to move on, but when all I see is the pain, I don't see a way out. Now, I see the rest of my life, and this relationship that used to be so large has become a small thing, in context. And it may get smaller. And some of the pain comes from trying to treat it as a bigger part of my life than it is.
posted by rebent at 7:49 AM on October 3, 2017 [1 favorite]


First I would like to congratulate you on your bravery for posting a such a personal post. And I really appreciate your honesty.
It is natural that you feel unsatisfied with letting him go given the fact that were together for 3 years and you two had had a great fun.
However, in my life, I learned that the only relationship that never ends is the relationship with myself. All other relationships end sooner or later.
What are you afraid of if you let him go? What do you think it will happen?
What I'm reading from your post is that you are not letting go those beautiful feelings that you felt while in the relationship and now you are afraid that you will experience the emptiness again. How long can you really hang on those beautiful feelings without him being around?

You assume that because you felt apathy in the past you will feel it again. How true is that?
Very often (me including) people who can't feel strong emotions and are numb suppress their anger, sadness, hurt, disappointment to protect themselves from the pain. Well, the consequences are that we also suppress feelings like joy, happiness, empowerment. 'Painful' emotions are just the other side of 'positive' emotions.
Emotions are just an energy flowing through your body and if you suppress them in order not to feel them, they don't go away. They affect your life unconsciously and are stored in your body. If they are suppressed long enough they cause illness.

What I did first was I allowed myself to feel the feelings again and I was doing Kundalini dynamic meditation every day for a month to express as many suppressed emotions as I could. Then I did for a week Osho dynamic meditation to express all suppressed feelings. Am I free of my suppressed emotions? Hell, no. Not yet.
But now I allow myself to feel the rainbow of all emotions. They are just an energy in the flow. They won't kill you.


Journaling is a very good tool to express yourself and get clarity on what is really going inside you.
Accept that he's gone and trust that some better will come to your way. There is no such thing as a failer. If you feel numb or unhappy it is just a sign that you are not on the right path.
Be very kind and gentle to yourself.

I hope this helps.
posted by Romana S at 10:59 AM on October 3, 2017


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