What does attachment parenting say about 1-2 week separations?
October 1, 2017 5:54 PM Subscribe
Ok I'm about to become a first-time parent in a few months and just recently heard about "attachment parenting." From the articles I have read, I don't care about becoming a Dr. Sears-style Stepford mom-zombie. But the general theory of secure/insecure attachment makes sense to me, especially since I'm pretty sure I'm not a securely attached person. Are 1-2 week separations between mom and baby too much?
So my husband is from a foreign country (11-hour flight away) and while I have zero desire to visit that country or my in-laws with him, I am fine with him taking the baby on his own for visits. But should I be seriously concerned that a separation of 1 to 2 weeks will damage the baby's sense of secure attachment? Or should I wait until the kid is at least 3 years old? If it's relevant, I will be the primary caregiver since I work from home.
So my husband is from a foreign country (11-hour flight away) and while I have zero desire to visit that country or my in-laws with him, I am fine with him taking the baby on his own for visits. But should I be seriously concerned that a separation of 1 to 2 weeks will damage the baby's sense of secure attachment? Or should I wait until the kid is at least 3 years old? If it's relevant, I will be the primary caregiver since I work from home.
Don't worry. The only time this will be an issue is if you are nursing. And that will be a physical issue for you. There's a lot of parenting advice. Use what works for your family. The rest of it can be profitably ignored.
posted by songs_about_rainbows at 6:11 PM on October 1, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by songs_about_rainbows at 6:11 PM on October 1, 2017 [2 favorites]
I think as long as you husband is well bonded to your child you should be fine. I think that that amount of time is a very long time for a baby, but as long as your child is happy to be soothed by your husband when upset, it is fine.
My mom wasn't really close with me but my dad was. My mom took me for a couple weeks at a time to see family in Florida when I was 4. I still remember having dreams every night of trying to make it to my dad. I still vividly how sad I was being from my dad- 45 years later.
posted by beccaj at 6:12 PM on October 1, 2017 [4 favorites]
My mom wasn't really close with me but my dad was. My mom took me for a couple weeks at a time to see family in Florida when I was 4. I still remember having dreams every night of trying to make it to my dad. I still vividly how sad I was being from my dad- 45 years later.
posted by beccaj at 6:12 PM on October 1, 2017 [4 favorites]
At what age? There's a big difference between a 3 month old and an 18 month old.
posted by medusa at 6:23 PM on October 1, 2017 [9 favorites]
posted by medusa at 6:23 PM on October 1, 2017 [9 favorites]
For what it’s worth, my husband was in the Navy and was away for a week a few days after our daughter was born, and for periods up to three months a few times before she was 2, and she’s an incredibly confident, independent kiddo who is securely attached to both of us (and Dad is now stay at home and her primary caregiver and I’ve been on weeklong trips a couple of times, and she’s not yet 3). I don’t think your little one going on a 1-2 week trip will be at all an issue for your relationship or attachment. As someone else mentioned, it’s more of a logistical/physical thing if it’s very young and breastfeeding.
posted by olinerd at 6:30 PM on October 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by olinerd at 6:30 PM on October 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
I highly recommend the Science Vs. podcast.
It is attachment parenting. I think the breastfeeding could be an issue for the first 9 months - 1 year if that's something you're super keen on, but other than that there's no reason the baby cannot be attached to dad too, and able to be with dad.
I think the challenge here is if you've decided you're primary caregiver is to be sure dad is right in there with you, learning the way moms learn, by doing and making mistakes and going through sleepless naps and all the rest of it, so that he has all the little tricks and skills that will keep him from losing his mind while he travels with the babe.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:33 PM on October 1, 2017 [5 favorites]
It is attachment parenting. I think the breastfeeding could be an issue for the first 9 months - 1 year if that's something you're super keen on, but other than that there's no reason the baby cannot be attached to dad too, and able to be with dad.
I think the challenge here is if you've decided you're primary caregiver is to be sure dad is right in there with you, learning the way moms learn, by doing and making mistakes and going through sleepless naps and all the rest of it, so that he has all the little tricks and skills that will keep him from losing his mind while he travels with the babe.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:33 PM on October 1, 2017 [5 favorites]
What's important is that the person taking care of the baby is responsive to the baby's needs. As long as your husband can do that, being with him instead of you shouldn't mess up your baby's sense of secure attachment.
But if your husband isn't highly involved in caring for the baby on a regular basis, the experience of being with him and not you for that long could be stressful for the baby. You won't be able to predict now how well it will work. It's going to depend on the baby's temperament, the relationship your husband develops with him or her, whether you're breastfeeding, etc. But by the time you're ready to think about buying plane tickets you'll be able to tell if it's likely to work. Before he tries taking the baby for a week, presumably your husband will have had plenty of experience taking care of the baby for a few hours, a day, a couple of days. You'll know how that went and that will give you a good idea whether or not a longer separation is going to make the baby miserable.
posted by Redstart at 6:58 PM on October 1, 2017 [6 favorites]
But if your husband isn't highly involved in caring for the baby on a regular basis, the experience of being with him and not you for that long could be stressful for the baby. You won't be able to predict now how well it will work. It's going to depend on the baby's temperament, the relationship your husband develops with him or her, whether you're breastfeeding, etc. But by the time you're ready to think about buying plane tickets you'll be able to tell if it's likely to work. Before he tries taking the baby for a week, presumably your husband will have had plenty of experience taking care of the baby for a few hours, a day, a couple of days. You'll know how that went and that will give you a good idea whether or not a longer separation is going to make the baby miserable.
posted by Redstart at 6:58 PM on October 1, 2017 [6 favorites]
I would be concerned. I was sent to live with my grandparents for a few months as an infant, and I believe it had lasting damaging effects - I've discussed this extensively with therapists, who agree this probably created some problems I have. I understood more fully how devastating this must have been when my own child was the same age and I saw how completely attached she was to me - much more than she was to her father. Similarly, a friend left her baby with its father for a week while she went on a business trip, and the baby was miserable the entire time. Your baby won't die if you do this, but if a separation like that can be helped, I'd try to avoid it. Sorry if this sounds harsh.
posted by FencingGal at 7:24 PM on October 1, 2017 [8 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 7:24 PM on October 1, 2017 [8 favorites]
It is absolutely possible for a child to have strong loving bonds with more than one caregiver. In my opinion, that is beneficial to the child, since nobody can be on 100% all the time; and there is value in learning that sometimes their preferred caregiver is not available, but they will still be loved and cared for.
That said, the diversity of responses in this thread and many others support my hypothesis that the type of parent you become is determined in large part by your child's personality. Not 100% of course, but a child who is rigidly bound by routines is more likely to have a parent who tells you that structure is more important than other social obligations, while a more relaxed kid is more likely to have parents who will tell you to loosen up already. I think the same is true for this question. People for whose kids it would be fine will tell you it wii be fine, and vice versa.
That said, in a theoretical sense I think it is a fine idea to plan that your kid can travel with your husband. There is nothing inherent about child development that says your husband won't be able to care for them for a week, or that your relationship with the child will be irreparably damaged. If it's not a good idea for your specific kid to go, you'll figure that out pretty quickly. And then you'll deal with it, either by joining the trip because your kid needs you, or having the in laws visit you, or whatever. You can plan up to a point, but it helps to keep an open mind.
posted by telepanda at 7:39 PM on October 1, 2017 [14 favorites]
That said, the diversity of responses in this thread and many others support my hypothesis that the type of parent you become is determined in large part by your child's personality. Not 100% of course, but a child who is rigidly bound by routines is more likely to have a parent who tells you that structure is more important than other social obligations, while a more relaxed kid is more likely to have parents who will tell you to loosen up already. I think the same is true for this question. People for whose kids it would be fine will tell you it wii be fine, and vice versa.
That said, in a theoretical sense I think it is a fine idea to plan that your kid can travel with your husband. There is nothing inherent about child development that says your husband won't be able to care for them for a week, or that your relationship with the child will be irreparably damaged. If it's not a good idea for your specific kid to go, you'll figure that out pretty quickly. And then you'll deal with it, either by joining the trip because your kid needs you, or having the in laws visit you, or whatever. You can plan up to a point, but it helps to keep an open mind.
posted by telepanda at 7:39 PM on October 1, 2017 [14 favorites]
I think you are looking for advice specifically on "attachment parenting" which is a very particular style of parenting, with books and blogs and podcasts and "gurus" and some woo mixed in for fun. This was all the rage when my baby was born, but three years later I don't know a single parent who does it. My impression from what I saw then though was that what you are describing would be a "no-no" if you were following the model strictly. What others are describing, I think is not the specific "attachment parenting" model, but rather about attachment in general. If that is what you are interested in, then that is going to be pretty specific to your family, comfort levels and baby temperament. In my family, that would definitely have worked. In others being described here, it sounds like, no way.
Make sense?
posted by Toddles at 7:42 PM on October 1, 2017 [2 favorites]
Make sense?
posted by Toddles at 7:42 PM on October 1, 2017 [2 favorites]
Attachment Parenting can run the gamut from attachment to misogyny. The attachment to a parent is not about gender or about birth, although it is very much cognizant of the hormonal/biophysical effects of birth and nursing.
My kid has spent multiple weeks away from me - as long as she is within a securely attached environment it is fine. It is the 'away from mama with dad who hands me over to grandma who has forgotten what babies are like and is damaging my trust' that is the problem, not the 'away from mama with dad who is experientially no different to mama'.
If you are nursing that is different. If the child is an anxious child that is also different. For all the years I worked my kid only ever once cried saying goodbye - which was the day my husband texted that she'd puked everywhere by midday. Once she was crying because I was away helping a friend for a week - they'd watched Tangled so she was mostly sad about that. She was securely attached because she knew I would come back. That is the key - the responsiveness to cries as an infant, the discussions with toddlers, the explanations to her tween self are all key to that.
My husband was sent to live with his grandparents for health reasons as a small child - that went badly because it was only him, not siblings, and it was a different experience of caregiving at a fundamental level.
posted by geek anachronism at 7:55 PM on October 1, 2017 [3 favorites]
My kid has spent multiple weeks away from me - as long as she is within a securely attached environment it is fine. It is the 'away from mama with dad who hands me over to grandma who has forgotten what babies are like and is damaging my trust' that is the problem, not the 'away from mama with dad who is experientially no different to mama'.
If you are nursing that is different. If the child is an anxious child that is also different. For all the years I worked my kid only ever once cried saying goodbye - which was the day my husband texted that she'd puked everywhere by midday. Once she was crying because I was away helping a friend for a week - they'd watched Tangled so she was mostly sad about that. She was securely attached because she knew I would come back. That is the key - the responsiveness to cries as an infant, the discussions with toddlers, the explanations to her tween self are all key to that.
My husband was sent to live with his grandparents for health reasons as a small child - that went badly because it was only him, not siblings, and it was a different experience of caregiving at a fundamental level.
posted by geek anachronism at 7:55 PM on October 1, 2017 [3 favorites]
Your baby can bond with its father just as well as it can bond with you. It's the specter of an 11-hour one-way flight, likely crossing time zones, that's giving me pause. I think that's worth holding off on until your child is older, can self-soothe, is potty-trained, has communication skills, and can Skype during the visit.
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:14 PM on October 1, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:14 PM on October 1, 2017 [5 favorites]
Babies are people. Some would have a very hard time with this kind of separation. Others would be fine. Kind of hard to say in general.
Personally, I’d wait until baby is actually there before making this decision jointly with your husband. You may find that you’re not fond of the idea of your infant being away after you’ve actually bonded with the kid. Or you may find it’s OK for you. Whatever you personally decide, it would be great if you could refrain from ridiculing people who are on the other side of the fence, so to speak. There are many valid styles of raising kids.
‘Attachment parenting’ is basically a countermovement to last-century, ‘Betty Draper’-style detached, militaristic parenting where kid is supposed to submit to all parental rules and not have any demands, and be ‘independent’ (ie: silent in crib) as soon as possible. I think the movement has a valid point. Again, babies are people. (So are parents, of course!)
posted by The Toad at 8:17 PM on October 1, 2017 [2 favorites]
Personally, I’d wait until baby is actually there before making this decision jointly with your husband. You may find that you’re not fond of the idea of your infant being away after you’ve actually bonded with the kid. Or you may find it’s OK for you. Whatever you personally decide, it would be great if you could refrain from ridiculing people who are on the other side of the fence, so to speak. There are many valid styles of raising kids.
‘Attachment parenting’ is basically a countermovement to last-century, ‘Betty Draper’-style detached, militaristic parenting where kid is supposed to submit to all parental rules and not have any demands, and be ‘independent’ (ie: silent in crib) as soon as possible. I think the movement has a valid point. Again, babies are people. (So are parents, of course!)
posted by The Toad at 8:17 PM on October 1, 2017 [2 favorites]
You will know better once you have your baby whether/when it will feel reasonable/desirable for you and your child to be apart for 1-2 weeks. (My money would be on that not being in the cards for quite a long time but everyone is different.)
posted by vunder at 9:06 PM on October 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by vunder at 9:06 PM on October 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
People are being nice about this, but I'm just gonna say it: Attachment as measurable natural phenomenon, and as theory (i.e. Attachment Theory) has almost nothing to do with the presence, or absence, of "attachment parenting" (which is a bunch of pseudo-scientific flim flam, cooked up by a pair of fundamentalists as you allude to).
Wanting to give your child 'secure' attachment is an awesome and laudable goal, and there is nothing in the science or research that suggests leaving the kid with a secondary care giver for two weeks will have a negative effect.
I quote from this awesome overview with links to tonnes of real research:
Congratulations, and don't forget to look after yourself when the baby comes too - it can be easy to forget when you are super worn out!
posted by smoke at 11:41 PM on October 1, 2017 [16 favorites]
Wanting to give your child 'secure' attachment is an awesome and laudable goal, and there is nothing in the science or research that suggests leaving the kid with a secondary care giver for two weeks will have a negative effect.
I quote from this awesome overview with links to tonnes of real research:
By definition, a normally developing child will develop an attachment relationship with any caregiver who provides regular physical and/or emotional care... Children develop a hierarchy of attachments with their various caregivers. For example, a child with three different caregivers (mother, father and nanny) will have a specific attachment relationship with each caregiver based on how that specific caregiver responds to the child in times when the child is physically hurt, ill or emotionally upset; particularly, when frightened.So long as your partner has a warm and caring relationship with your child, and is responsive to them when they are distressed, you have nothing to worry about.
Congratulations, and don't forget to look after yourself when the baby comes too - it can be easy to forget when you are super worn out!
posted by smoke at 11:41 PM on October 1, 2017 [16 favorites]
1. Yes, you should wait until your child is at least three years old before you send them off to stay with people you have never met and might have profound differences with. However much you trust your husband, have you seen how he interacts with his parents on their own home ground? Because people can surprise you, and are you sure he would be looking after the child or would his parents be doing it?
2. What do you know about the grandparents' attitude to you not being with your baby? Because if they themselves think you're not particularly necessary for the baby's happiness I find that a huge red flag about their attitude to you.
Apologies if I'm not reading the situation correctly but this would be a huge no for me. I'm assuming you're talking about an infant under 1 year old? In my world - and I've never read about attachment parenting, I'm too old for that - obstetricians and pediatricians refer to 'the mother/child dyad' because the mother's body/hormones/emotions are in a feedback loop with the baby's and they each affect the other in a very real, physical way, and optimum outcomes for both need this to be happening. Also, there's nothing woo about responding to the emotional needs of a little, vulnerable person and feeling those needs very keenly in yourself because you're bonded to them.
Childbirth and looking after an infant isn't easy for many mothers*, they need all the help they can get and this includes support during the bonding process and emotional support generally. This is not woo, this has serious health implications for both mother and infant. If at any time you feel checked out of the bonding process you should let your health providers know because it can be a sign, not of maternal deficiencies nor of being overly rational but of PPD which is an actual, serious illness.
Again, sorry if I've misread what you're saying here, please take whatever may be useful from what I've written and ignore what doesn't seem right.
* Infuriatingly, it is also easy for some.
posted by glasseyes at 3:37 AM on October 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
2. What do you know about the grandparents' attitude to you not being with your baby? Because if they themselves think you're not particularly necessary for the baby's happiness I find that a huge red flag about their attitude to you.
Apologies if I'm not reading the situation correctly but this would be a huge no for me. I'm assuming you're talking about an infant under 1 year old? In my world - and I've never read about attachment parenting, I'm too old for that - obstetricians and pediatricians refer to 'the mother/child dyad' because the mother's body/hormones/emotions are in a feedback loop with the baby's and they each affect the other in a very real, physical way, and optimum outcomes for both need this to be happening. Also, there's nothing woo about responding to the emotional needs of a little, vulnerable person and feeling those needs very keenly in yourself because you're bonded to them.
Childbirth and looking after an infant isn't easy for many mothers*, they need all the help they can get and this includes support during the bonding process and emotional support generally. This is not woo, this has serious health implications for both mother and infant. If at any time you feel checked out of the bonding process you should let your health providers know because it can be a sign, not of maternal deficiencies nor of being overly rational but of PPD which is an actual, serious illness.
Again, sorry if I've misread what you're saying here, please take whatever may be useful from what I've written and ignore what doesn't seem right.
* Infuriatingly, it is also easy for some.
posted by glasseyes at 3:37 AM on October 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
I went on an overseas work trip for about two weeks when my son was 14 months. While I did some elements of attachment parenting (baby wearing, positive discipline, we did room sharing but we were past that at 14 months), we were not all in by any stretch of the imagination. My son is securely attached to me just fine despite that time apart.
posted by emkelley at 6:12 AM on October 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by emkelley at 6:12 AM on October 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
KatNips, I've just had a look back through your question history and it seems you have a lot of questions around your pregnancy, parenting, your related medical care, etc. That's all totally normal - a few suggestions that might help for this particular issue and across the board for you:
- Have you joined the Metafilter parents group on Facebook yet? MeMail me! It's a great resource for everything from advice to sanity checks to a place to vent when you need it.
- Do you have any models of parenting that you've observed firsthand that you like? From what you've said it doesn't sound like your own parents provided that - that's okay! What about friends, siblings, siblings-in-law, etc? Both my sisters in law have really different parenting styles (one is full-on AP, the other is not) but both have wonderful kids and I learned a lot watching both, and picking and choosing from each of their best practices for what worked for our family. It can be really helpful to have those role models to learn from and talk to, rather than just relying on internet research - babies are so, SO not One Size Fits All when it comes to parenting advice, and I've thrown more than one well-intentioned "This was my bible when my kid was a baby!" book gifts across the room when the advice was just NOT RIGHT for my kid.
- It is TOTALLY OKAY, and in fact I think most of us would encourage you, to wait until your baby is born and you know what kind of personality it has before you make a lot of decisions - whether that's co-sleeping, breastfeeding vs pumping vs formula feeding, aspects of attachment parenting, and yes, deciding if and when kiddo can go overseas without you. Maybe your kid is super anxious and hyper emotionally aware and there is just NO CHANCE a week without you is going to work - some kids are like this! (My nephew totally is) That's okay! Maybe your kid is really confident and independent and bonds to both you and your husband immediately and the prospect of travel without you at some point isn't totally unreasonable! (My kid is like this, and I was like this as a child - my mother was in the military, too, and went on trips of >1 wk duration well before I was a year old). It is okay to wait and see.
I think it's also very important to contextualize your reality - international in-laws, and new baby's extended family with whom you presumably want him/her to have a relationship - with that of most parents. I totally get you - I'm American, my in-laws are in the UK and Australia, when we lived in Australia my dad got cancer and couldn't travel to see us, now that we're in the US my in-laws are very elderly and can't fly here, so we have been and we are the ones who have to travel if we want our daughter to have strong bonds with their grandparents or we want to be there when they need help. Yes, it's crossing a lot of time zones. Yes, long-haul flight with very young children are painful. Yes, it's logistically a royal pain in the ass. Yes, sometimes it means time away from one parent or another. But it's something that is a reality for our family, and that has to be done because we strongly value those family connections and there is no other option. It is *okay* to prioritize that, and to recognize that others who speak strongly against it (waiting until the kid is potty trained? I'm sorry, that would have been impossible for us) are undoubtedly well-intentioned but simply may not understand your personal reality. Choose the grains of salt with which you take advice.
Also - there is a very wide spectrum of maternal instinct, and the only alternative to "perfect, loving, attachment-focused mother" is not "horrible mother who can't bond with her kid." It is possible, and indeed normal, to look forward to time away from your child, to willingly let them go on a trip like this without you, but to still feel it tugging at your heartstrings and even having a little breakdown once the reality hits. (I once left my 18 month old daughter with my SIL for four days while I flew to another continent for a job interview, and was fine and indeed excited about it, but melted down completely when I missed my flight home and had to wait another 24 hours - which my daughter was completely unaware of but was making me feel like a horrible mother. Hormones are weird) Please don't imagine for a minute that thinking yourself capable of sending your kid off for a week with its other parent means you have PPD or a bonding problem - that way lies disaster. Just see how you're doing when your kid arrives, and after you get through the newborn period and everyone's hormones and routines are starting to calm down, and evaluate then what you think you, your kid, and your partner can handle.
And join the MeFi parents FB group! Seriously!
posted by olinerd at 6:55 AM on October 2, 2017 [9 favorites]
- Have you joined the Metafilter parents group on Facebook yet? MeMail me! It's a great resource for everything from advice to sanity checks to a place to vent when you need it.
- Do you have any models of parenting that you've observed firsthand that you like? From what you've said it doesn't sound like your own parents provided that - that's okay! What about friends, siblings, siblings-in-law, etc? Both my sisters in law have really different parenting styles (one is full-on AP, the other is not) but both have wonderful kids and I learned a lot watching both, and picking and choosing from each of their best practices for what worked for our family. It can be really helpful to have those role models to learn from and talk to, rather than just relying on internet research - babies are so, SO not One Size Fits All when it comes to parenting advice, and I've thrown more than one well-intentioned "This was my bible when my kid was a baby!" book gifts across the room when the advice was just NOT RIGHT for my kid.
- It is TOTALLY OKAY, and in fact I think most of us would encourage you, to wait until your baby is born and you know what kind of personality it has before you make a lot of decisions - whether that's co-sleeping, breastfeeding vs pumping vs formula feeding, aspects of attachment parenting, and yes, deciding if and when kiddo can go overseas without you. Maybe your kid is super anxious and hyper emotionally aware and there is just NO CHANCE a week without you is going to work - some kids are like this! (My nephew totally is) That's okay! Maybe your kid is really confident and independent and bonds to both you and your husband immediately and the prospect of travel without you at some point isn't totally unreasonable! (My kid is like this, and I was like this as a child - my mother was in the military, too, and went on trips of >1 wk duration well before I was a year old). It is okay to wait and see.
I think it's also very important to contextualize your reality - international in-laws, and new baby's extended family with whom you presumably want him/her to have a relationship - with that of most parents. I totally get you - I'm American, my in-laws are in the UK and Australia, when we lived in Australia my dad got cancer and couldn't travel to see us, now that we're in the US my in-laws are very elderly and can't fly here, so we have been and we are the ones who have to travel if we want our daughter to have strong bonds with their grandparents or we want to be there when they need help. Yes, it's crossing a lot of time zones. Yes, long-haul flight with very young children are painful. Yes, it's logistically a royal pain in the ass. Yes, sometimes it means time away from one parent or another. But it's something that is a reality for our family, and that has to be done because we strongly value those family connections and there is no other option. It is *okay* to prioritize that, and to recognize that others who speak strongly against it (waiting until the kid is potty trained? I'm sorry, that would have been impossible for us) are undoubtedly well-intentioned but simply may not understand your personal reality. Choose the grains of salt with which you take advice.
Also - there is a very wide spectrum of maternal instinct, and the only alternative to "perfect, loving, attachment-focused mother" is not "horrible mother who can't bond with her kid." It is possible, and indeed normal, to look forward to time away from your child, to willingly let them go on a trip like this without you, but to still feel it tugging at your heartstrings and even having a little breakdown once the reality hits. (I once left my 18 month old daughter with my SIL for four days while I flew to another continent for a job interview, and was fine and indeed excited about it, but melted down completely when I missed my flight home and had to wait another 24 hours - which my daughter was completely unaware of but was making me feel like a horrible mother. Hormones are weird) Please don't imagine for a minute that thinking yourself capable of sending your kid off for a week with its other parent means you have PPD or a bonding problem - that way lies disaster. Just see how you're doing when your kid arrives, and after you get through the newborn period and everyone's hormones and routines are starting to calm down, and evaluate then what you think you, your kid, and your partner can handle.
And join the MeFi parents FB group! Seriously!
posted by olinerd at 6:55 AM on October 2, 2017 [9 favorites]
No one knows: despite the vibe you get from books/TV/random strangers on the street, parenting is not settled science.
To me, attachment parenting means staying close to your child. My baby slept in my bed, breastfed on demand, and snuggled up to me in a sling for much of the day. But she also slept with and snuggled up with aunties and friends. I don't think attachment parenting has to be a reinforcement of the patriarchy: babies can attach to dads, grandmas, and next door neighbors. The idea is hold the baby close much of the time. If papa wants to take baby to visit grandma, he can be the one to snuggle and hold the baby. No big deal.
This basically will come down to what you and your partner wan to do. There's no rules.
posted by latkes at 8:00 AM on October 2, 2017
To me, attachment parenting means staying close to your child. My baby slept in my bed, breastfed on demand, and snuggled up to me in a sling for much of the day. But she also slept with and snuggled up with aunties and friends. I don't think attachment parenting has to be a reinforcement of the patriarchy: babies can attach to dads, grandmas, and next door neighbors. The idea is hold the baby close much of the time. If papa wants to take baby to visit grandma, he can be the one to snuggle and hold the baby. No big deal.
This basically will come down to what you and your partner wan to do. There's no rules.
posted by latkes at 8:00 AM on October 2, 2017
I left my daughter with my parents for several months when she was 2. I moved...and I wanted to thoroughly check out day care before I took her to it. I knew that my parents would take great care of her and I saw her almost every weekend (when she would attach herself to me and not let go).
She survived and I think thrived. She bonded with my father and she and my dad were extremely close until his death.
The weekends I was there...as I've said...she sat in my lap or slept with one hand on me the whole night. I know she missed me (and I missed her)...but there were no lasting problems.
posted by byjingo! at 10:17 AM on October 2, 2017
She survived and I think thrived. She bonded with my father and she and my dad were extremely close until his death.
The weekends I was there...as I've said...she sat in my lap or slept with one hand on me the whole night. I know she missed me (and I missed her)...but there were no lasting problems.
posted by byjingo! at 10:17 AM on October 2, 2017
Attachment parenting says as long as the baby trusts that their parent is returning, and baby is with someone they are securely attached to, it should be ok.
I would wait and see the temperament of your baby, and how daddy handles baby (traveling with an infant would just plain stress me out), and how you feel about separations from baby once they arrive.
If your baby isn't overly sensitive they might be fine with a week with their dad and others who they find super entertaining and wonderful from 15 months or so onwards.
I did a 2-week trip away from my 5 year old last summer, two weeks is a long time for both parent and child and I won't be doing that again until he's much older. Nothing bad happened but I missed him a lot and it seemed unnecessary.
posted by lafemma at 10:58 AM on October 2, 2017
I would wait and see the temperament of your baby, and how daddy handles baby (traveling with an infant would just plain stress me out), and how you feel about separations from baby once they arrive.
If your baby isn't overly sensitive they might be fine with a week with their dad and others who they find super entertaining and wonderful from 15 months or so onwards.
I did a 2-week trip away from my 5 year old last summer, two weeks is a long time for both parent and child and I won't be doing that again until he's much older. Nothing bad happened but I missed him a lot and it seemed unnecessary.
posted by lafemma at 10:58 AM on October 2, 2017
It is absolutely possible for a child to have strong loving bonds with more than one caregiver. In my opinion, that is beneficial to the child, since nobody can be on 100% all the time
I don't have kids and never answer these kinds of questions, but this reminds me of a conversation I had with my GP during the height of attachment parenting. She was concerned that some of her patients were creating situations where, if something unexpected happened, like a car accident injury or a flight was delayed for a day or more, no one else had the experience, means (like bottle feeding) or bond to feed the infant.
posted by Room 641-A at 11:20 AM on October 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
I don't have kids and never answer these kinds of questions, but this reminds me of a conversation I had with my GP during the height of attachment parenting. She was concerned that some of her patients were creating situations where, if something unexpected happened, like a car accident injury or a flight was delayed for a day or more, no one else had the experience, means (like bottle feeding) or bond to feed the infant.
posted by Room 641-A at 11:20 AM on October 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. I am in the FB parents group but I still like to post big Qs to the website because more people read the website and the archived questions may be helpful to future readers/parents.
posted by KatNips at 6:59 PM on October 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by KatNips at 6:59 PM on October 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
If my husband had wanted to take the kids for a week or two when they were little I would have thrown a party and shoved them out the door. I... do not attachment parent. Kids would have been fine, they are as solidly attached to their dad as they are to me.
It really depends on the child AND the parent. Some parents can't cope with being away from their children and some children can't cope with being away from their parents. Some of this is due to parenting and some of this is due to the specific personality of the children and the parents. However, most kids and parents are fine with it as long as the child is well loved and well cared for and there is a very high level of trust in the caregivers.
posted by lydhre at 6:28 AM on October 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
It really depends on the child AND the parent. Some parents can't cope with being away from their children and some children can't cope with being away from their parents. Some of this is due to parenting and some of this is due to the specific personality of the children and the parents. However, most kids and parents are fine with it as long as the child is well loved and well cared for and there is a very high level of trust in the caregivers.
posted by lydhre at 6:28 AM on October 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
I think it depends a great deal on whether your baby would have a familiar caregiver (your husband, assuming he's part of baby care on a day to day basis), or if the baby would be left with relatives who are unfamiliar.
I was left with some relatives I'd never even met for about 2 weeks when I was about 18 months old, while by all accounts (I don't have any memory of this) I seemed to do well with the situation and was a happy baby when reunited, I feel that growing up I didn't feel as close to my parents as most children and that there were some lasting effects on my ability to form bonds with others as an adult. (I've since worked on this in myself and have developed a closer relationship with my parents)
At the same time, I can't say I really see anything wrong with the baby being left with relatives who will take care of the baby's physical needs if your husband has a business trip to deal with or something. But if you want to do something like that, don't be complaining when your kid grows up that they don't prioritize visiting you.
posted by yohko at 11:30 AM on October 4, 2017 [2 favorites]
I was left with some relatives I'd never even met for about 2 weeks when I was about 18 months old, while by all accounts (I don't have any memory of this) I seemed to do well with the situation and was a happy baby when reunited, I feel that growing up I didn't feel as close to my parents as most children and that there were some lasting effects on my ability to form bonds with others as an adult. (I've since worked on this in myself and have developed a closer relationship with my parents)
At the same time, I can't say I really see anything wrong with the baby being left with relatives who will take care of the baby's physical needs if your husband has a business trip to deal with or something. But if you want to do something like that, don't be complaining when your kid grows up that they don't prioritize visiting you.
posted by yohko at 11:30 AM on October 4, 2017 [2 favorites]
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There's a very good Science Vs episode on this if you have the time; it's half an hour well-spent.
posted by Betelgeuse at 6:01 PM on October 1, 2017 [19 favorites]