Was I A Rebound?
September 30, 2017 7:43 PM   Subscribe

I’m curious if my recent relationship was a classic rebound scenario. Or if we just weren’t compatible. And if it’s salvageable. And how to stop beating myself up.

This is quite long, so thank you in advance if you read through. I met X on an online dating app back in April. We hit it off and continued to see each other exclusively, making it official within a month. She seemed to really fall for me very fast, whereas this was not only my first REAL relationship but my first same sex relationship (aside from a few fumbled one night stands and a college relationship dating a guy that I can barely count). She knew this fairly early on.

I wanted to take things slowly--- I expressed this to her quite a bit, however my attempts at controlling the pace of our relationship were met with a few blowups from X. A couple of times she got extremely upset with me when I wasn’t answering texts immediately, even though I had a perfectly good excuse (I was away from my phone or hosting friends). And by immediately I mean like 1 or 2 hours. I felt really upset by this and it pushed me away from her. I also felt that there were often times where she wanted me to be acting a certain way or doing something differently (I sensed frustration from her), and I always wondered if she was wanting me to act in the way her ex would have acted in certain situations. But it just seemed too nebulous to delve into (like, was I imagining it?), although in hindsight maybe I should have brought it up. One time she seemed upset that *I* wasn’t upset that she didn’t get back to me right away…I knew she was at work and it seemed reasonable that she wouldn’t text me back instantly. I said “I wasn’t worried, I know you’re at work.” To which she said that I should be.

Early in the relationship I found out that we started dating very soon (as in, I was talking to her on the app while she was still moving out of the place she shared with her ex) after her last relationship of 3 years ended. Over time it was revealed that her ex was quite emotionally manipulative and abusive, and while X and I dated she was admitted to a rehab facility for a suicide attempt. It sounded quite tumultuous and I was always wondering what kind of emotional state it left X in, and I was a little suspicious of how fast she seemed to be really into me. But I decided not to jump to conclusions or make up my own story about her.

Additionally I had some doubts early on that we were truly compatible because of our differing libidos and ways of showing affection. I gradually felt pressure of her wanting sex every single time we saw each other. I enjoyed sex with her, but at the time I was having quite a bit of financial stress from my self employed job (not making enough money), had a new puppy who was sick and racking up LOTS of vet bills (stressful emotionally and financially), and on top of it all I was given notice to move out of my apartment. I was mentally exhausted and my libido was in the toilet. I think what further diminished my libido was the pressure I was feeling from her to have sex. She never abused or threatened me in any way, but I could feel the disappointment coming from her when I would say I was too stressed or just not in the mood that night. Also, I communicated my stress issues to her as best as I could---I didn’t clam up. Maybe I wasn’t a super professional communicator but I told her why I was acting the way I was.

She also seemed to not want to spend time alone, which led to conflict. She wanted to spend all of her free time with me, which was awesome, but I explained to her that I’m so used to being single and having alone time to recharge (I’m an introvert when it comes to replenishing my batteries). And that it wasn’t about her but more about me and how I’m transitioning from being single and 100% in control of my time into being in a relationship. She also wanted me to come visit her at work quite often, which was tough because being self employed I had to set boundaries and constantly tell her “Sorry I can’t because *I’m* working.” So, essentially I felt like I was constantly pushing back which was upsetting to both of us in different ways.

Despite these bumps I was attracted to her and really enjoyed spending time with her. She was sweet and thoughtful and funny and we had some really fun times. However in hindsight the different speeds we were coming into the relationship at caused me to pull away. I truly regret, in hindsight, that I didn’t give her enough affirmation that I valued her and the time I was spending with her. I was consumed with anxiety from the expectations I felt, and it caused me to shut down. Also, I never really got the chance to “miss” her or chase her in any way.

She ended up almost cheating on me at the end of a party she threw at her house by spooning with a friend of hers on the couch while I was sleeping in her room in her bed waiting for her to come in. I woke up at 3 am wondering where she was, and saw them lying there asleep cuddling each other. I was shocked, and left the house.

When we talked she said that nothing happened between them, but she admitted she was flirting with this woman, found her attractive, and was enjoying the attention. The alcohol fueled the situation and she apologized profusely many times. I talked to her and told her how much it hurt me, and just wanted to know why she was doing this. At one point she said something that we didn’t have enough sex and that it’s not normal for her in a relationship. And I said that made me feel awful because that shouldn’t be a reason to do what she did.

Eventually we talked and I said that I would just need a little break to think about things (I didn’t want to break up though I thought about it), and she said she thought she had messed the relationship up and that we should just let it go and break up. I agreed, shocked that she wanted to do that but too emotional and confused to stop it.

After that I was a mess. A day later I told her that I didn’t want things to end. I talked to her in person and told her I wanted to try again and work on things, and told her that I was sorry about a few ways I had acted and that I felt that I had been taking her for granted. I told her specific things I would do to address my anxiety and financial stressors. She admitted she was just out of that previous three year relationship and thought she just needed to be single for a while and learn how to be alone, and admitted that maybe she had come into the relationship too fast, that the timing was off because of the stress I was going through. We had a very long and extremely emotionally honest conversation; she talked about her past and issues with her father, and I told her about how hard it was coming out and that I wasn’t out to my parents yet. She remarked that we hadn’t done enough deep talking during our relationship, and I agreed. It felt like an epiphany between us, or that we had suddenly become vulnerable with each other, but she didn’t quite change her mind.

So we left it at that… communication open because I couldn’t bear to see her walk out of my life.

After less than a week she began to initiate contact with me very often, sending me texts, memes, and Snapchats regularly. We each went away on trips, and communication from her was very regular. She called me several times and it just seemed like things were looking up from my point of view. She was calling me cutie and babe and all her pet names for me. Said she missed me, and I said the same.

When we were both back in town she came to see me and we ended up sleeping together. It felt really good, and after that we saw each other fairly regularly for a couple of weeks. She even brought me to her sister’s birthday brunch with just her mother, sister, and sister’s boyfriend. During that meal she referred to me as her girlfriend. I don’t know if it was accidental or what. But I was afraid of making her feel pressured so I didn’t say anything.

I honestly thought things were going in the direction of reconciliation, and I opened myself up fully and tried to totally reform how I interacted with her. I gave her more verbal affirmations that I valued her, and tried to be more open sexually. It felt good – it seemed as I got more open and vulnerable and let my guard down and “loosened up” the better I felt about us and the relationship in general. Additionally the external stressors (financial, housing, pet health) I’d been facing had let up a bit.

However after a while she began to get more distant and less interested in making concrete plans to see me, and it started to get really difficult for me. I hadn’t wanted to label or pressure the situation yet, but after a while it became too difficult because I was worried about how distant she was becoming.

Finally I got her to see me to talk (she was a bit elusive about making a time to meet me, which was upsetting). When we met up she immediately kissed me and held my hand as we walked to the bar. However when we got to the meat of the conversation she said she wanted to “tone things back” and that she thought she had been clear before about being single. I asked her if she wanted to date other people and she said yes, and she said that I should too because she couldn’t ask me not to if she was going to date others. I asked if she still had feelings for me and she said yes and that it should be clear.

I again told her that I was trying to change my earlier behavior towards her and be more affirming of how much I care about her, and she noted that I seemed like a totally different person. I asked her if she thought we would ever get back together and she said she didn’t know, but now our relationship had been “diluted” by everything that had happened.

I opened up about how much my anxiety had hampered me early in the relationship and how I was just slow at things because it’s just my first relationship. I also told her that I was having anxiety because I had spent so much time imagining what an ideal relationship should look like (aka perfect and fun and passionate 100% of the time) and the reality of actually being in a relationship was causing me to have a disconnect.

A few things from the conversation made me think that perhaps she’s not quite over her ex or is still processing that relationship, although she stated that she had no intention or desire to get back with her and I believe her. She revealed that a prominent tattoo on her body was actually representative of her girlfriend, which she had never told me before (I don’t know why she told me now, but it just felt like she was opening up about how much her ex meant to her in the relationship). Also, she had only recently blocked her ex from contact as she had called her about overdosing on pills and breaking sobriety and it was just too much for her. So, I can only imagine the emotions that she might be going through in regards to that situation. However she never really tells me much about how she is feeling in regards to her last relationship.

I told her that I didn’t know if I could see her if we weren’t going to be exclusive or together. I said that if she started dating someone else I would be devastated. Not wanting to lose her, I just told her I would have to think about how I could proceed.

Towards the end of the conversation she asked to come sit next to me, and she draped her leg over my leg and hugged me. She also kissed me very deeply a couple of times and was very physically affectionate during all of this. So, of course, I was incredibly confused.

I’m really hurt because it seems that as soon as I started to get close and open up and attempt to fix my half of what had been potentially going wrong in the relationship, she pulled away. Additionally through all of this openness and vulnerability we’ve had together (deep conversations and being open emotionally) I feel like my feelings for her have only strengthened and I feel like all of this has made me actually fall for her. I’m really regretting the fact that I pushed back earlier in the relationship, and I am worried that somehow I will always need some sort of “chase” involved in order to really develop feelings for someone. I hate that I’m apparently doing the cliché “don’t know what you have until it’s gone” thing. If you read my AskMe history, I’ve spent probably an unhealthy amount of time pining over unrequited crushes, and I worry that now I associate unavailable with attractive.

I am also worried that I’m going to have trouble communicating boundaries in my next relationship because I feel like my attempts at slowing things down and creating boundaries made X run away. I’m a people pleaser with a bad history of rejection so I am not feeling so great about this.

Additionally, and I have spoken about this with my therapist, I am worried that I am seeking limerence feelings from new relationships, and that’s just not realistic. I’m so used to the dopamine high from limerent unrequited crushes that when I didn’t get that with X right away, I doubted everything. My therapist said that it was unrealistic to compare my emotions for X to an unrequited crush. When X broke up with me I didn’t realize just how much I cared about her…it was honestly really surprising to me. I feel like I didn’t let myself FEEL those feelings when I was in the relationship because it didn’t align with how I felt towards those unavailable crushes, and I was constantly worried I would have to end things so why let myself feel feelings and be vulnerable? (anxiety?).

I 100% want to try again with this relationship. We have a lot of chemistry and have a lot of fun together. I can forgive her for what she did at the party (I already have and feel at peace with it). But I don’t know if I should go no contact unless she’s on board with trying again too, or just stop seeing her with very limited contact.

Sometimes I wonder if there’s anyone out there who would be more “perfect” for me, but I feel like this is a dangerous thought process, especially given how it took me quite a while to find a relationship, and the lesbian dating pool is sadly kind of small. I don’t want to settle but I don’t want to chase perfection either.

PS: I am definitely in therapy but I love hive mind answers because everyone here seems to have a lot of wisdom and experience.

So AskMe, this is a jumble of questions but it boils down to:

1.) Is this salvageable or should I move on?
2.) Could I have been a rebound given how she started dating me in full blown relationship mode?
3.) Will I be doomed to only fall for someone if they are unavailable or if there’s a chase?
4.) Does asking to take a relationship slow, and needing to just not have sex for a bit due to stress kill a relationship?
5.) Do early doubts in a relationship spell doom? Can it sometimes take a while to really fall for someone? Should I count people out if I don’t have super crush feelings for them right away? How can I combat wanting to feel crazy intense crush-like feelings every time?
6.) Selfish: any words of encouragement about finding love again…as I’m currently in the “I will never find this again!!!” mental state.
posted by christiehawk to Human Relations (16 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: Not a "classic rebound", but you/she weren't right for each other right now - it sounds like each of you have very different needs and desires.

To answer your questions:
1) Not salvageable. Give yourself some time. 2) No. 3) Please don't put too much pressure into this - this is your first real relationship, you're not "doomed" to do anything based on this. 4) No. 5) No. 6) Give yourself time. This is your first relationship experience, take a break and focus on you and when you feel like reaching out again, try it again. There are lots of other amazing people other there, you'll find one!
posted by arnicae at 8:03 PM on September 30, 2017


Best answer: My last relationship progressed eerily like this. I was far more "on" in the relationship (major crush mode, and looking back it was so fierce that I am a bit embarrassed for myself given my typical personality and my age) at first and that caused him to, much like you, pull away. I felt snubbed and taken for granted as he often placed other things and people before me and showed reticence about us being a couple, so I "blew up" often and dumped him 3 months in. After that he, like you, vowed to change and opened up similarly, toned back most things to focus on the relationship, but it really wasn't enough to salvage my feelings. We fought a lot, and were off and on for another 6 months, and that caused a lot of damage to each other. Most likely bad timing. So, I can't answer most of your questions, but this isn't salvageable, move on for now. I know how you feel re: "I WILL NEVER FIND THIS AGAIN." but that thought fades with time and you'll be fine.
posted by Young Kullervo at 8:14 PM on September 30, 2017


Best answer: I think you dodged a bullet here, to be honest. There might have been a lot to like about her, but there are so many red flags in what you wrote that I think none of the good stuff would have been worth it. No, it's not salvageable. I hope that once some time passes and you develop a bit of perspective on this relationship, you'll be glad that it wasn't.
posted by (F)utility at 8:15 PM on September 30, 2017 [20 favorites]


Best answer: I'll give you the advice my sister gave to me when I got involved in high drama relationships that involved game playing and the thrill of the chase; it's not supposed to be this hard. That doesn't mean you won't have difficult times but if you're constantly analysing conversations, afraid to express how you feel, thinking you need to pull back or chase more, stop. Just stop.

The right relationship won't have you constantly wondering where the heck you stand because they'll let you know exactly how they feel and won't want you to be constantly anxious because they don't want to lose you. It will be easy.

You'll be able to express legitimate needs in a relationship for a bit of space (because you have to work!) without the other person going off the deep end because or vice versa because a secure person will understand that other people have lives too and it doesn't mean you love them any less.

If there is endless drama, pull-pull and constant doubts, it's not the right relationship. I wouldn't have any regrets about chalking this up to experience and moving on to find a better fit. Don't go back, it never gets any better,
posted by Jubey at 9:10 PM on September 30, 2017 [16 favorites]


Best answer: "When you are wearing rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags" -Bojack Horseman


This is like... Three years of intense relationship drama in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship. +1 bullet fkn dodged. I know the intense full-court press, whipsaw drama and OMG Passion! Can be flattering, appealing and sometimes overwhelming... But it doesn't substitute for time and quality bonding. You're too deep in limerence and crushing and endorphins and lust to really get to know a person in a short time.

I say that not to diminish what you had... It was a good learning experience and you are making progress! But yeah, red flags abound.


1.) Is this salvageable or should I move on? On. Absolutely with extreme prejudice.


2.) Could I have been a rebound given how she started dating me in full blown relationship mode? Could, was, absolutely. This screams rebound to me.


3.) Will I be doomed to only fall for someone if they are unavailable or if there’s a chase? This does seem to be your modus operandi. Why is this your modus operandi? What do you get from it? What need does it fulfil?


4.) Does asking to take a relationship slow, and needing to just not have sex for a bit due to stress kill a relationship? Not a healthy, mature, secure relationship. This is called setting boundaries, and that is a very healthy skill to have. Don't be with people who don't want you to have boundaries.


5.) Do early doubts in a relationship spell doom? Can it sometimes take a while to really fall for someone? Should I count people out if I don’t have super crush feelings for them right away? How can I combat wanting to feel crazy intense crush-like feelings every time? Ehhhh. Depends so much. Feeling wanted or needed is attractive. I'm judging from an older post, mostly, but you seem to very much Want To Be In A Relationship, and that shows. It's... Not a very appealing trait, though tons of people do it, and it is part of being human. Are you happy being by yourself? Can you lead a good life while single? Can you be at peace with you while single? The stronger your foundation the stronger things you can build upon it.

The healthier you are, the healthier people you attract.


6.) Selfish: any words of encouragement about finding love again…as I’m currently in the “I will never find this again!!!” mental state.

Love thyself. That's step one. You are still growing into your life as a lesbian. Think of the post from two years ago as the Awkward Teenage Years. You've moved on to Awkward College Flings. Next comes either Pretty Good LTR That We Eventually Grow Out Of or Great LTR With two complete adults who compliment each other as people, and it lasts a good long time.


Keep working on you. Push on the hard, hurty places in therapy. Dig deep, root out things holding you back, and keep being awesome. You can do this
posted by Jacen at 9:24 PM on September 30, 2017 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Red flags for serious.

I know it's very hard, but when you find yourself repeatedly thinking, even in the early, most exciting part of the relationship, "this person wants more than I feel comfortable giving," there's a problem. When you find yourself thinking "...and she's not accepting that," there's a REAL problem. The person you're seeing should not be pressuring you to go at their pace if you've told them you're not quite there. To do so is disrespectful and, if not a 100% guarantee that abuse is on the horizon, a definite warning sign.
posted by praemunire at 10:59 PM on September 30, 2017 [1 favorite]


Best answer: She's treating you like a Yo-Yo. She's totally effing with your head, SHE MAY NOT BE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE, but she's still doing it.

Go no contact because this is not healthy. EVERYTHING YOU DID IN THE BEGINNING WAS NORMAL AND MATURE, then she started playing games, and now you don't know what reality looks like anymore. Dump her from your life.

The next time you want things to slow down and they blow-up if you don't answer a text message - Bye Bye. S/he tells you they want to date other people then drape themselves over you at the bar and kiss you? Bye bye, because the last thing you need are mixed messages and to have your affections toyed with. Bull shit on fooling around on the couch while you're in the next room waiting. Just No.

----

Very bluntly, it sounds like she had a super fucked up dynamic with her ex and she was trying to re-create that with you. She has temporarily succeeded because here you are thinking ANY of her behavior towards you was acceptable. It wasn't. It's like she has an infection, one that causes emotionally dysfunctional relationships. Quarantine yourself from this person and seek an antidote - get clarity on what healthy relationships look like and work on finding healthy interpersonal behaviors attractive. If your therapist can't or won't help you do this, find one who will help you reach these personal goals.

I'm sure she liked you and you had incredible chemistry with each other. But she is dysfunctional and consciously or unconsciously was creating a dynamic with you that reflects the level of dysfunction she is comfortable with. Cure yourself, make sure you don't re-enact this pattern in any other relationship.

PS - She's almost definitely, well, a cheater. Do not not not sell yourself short by continuing to fool around with her while she dates others in hopes she will "come around." She only wants drama, not you. You are better than this on every level. Run. Run Away. RUN.
posted by jbenben at 11:01 PM on September 30, 2017 [7 favorites]


Best answer: She was a controlling, bullying jerk. emotional abuse is for the recipient to define, so if you truly don't believe she was abusive, you are the ultimate authority. but treating you as a rebound, if that's what she did, was the least of her offenses.

one time I got a message on a dating site from a guy who sounded ok enough that I planned on replying, once I got home and had time to check his profile fully and compose a response. before that could happen, he sent me an ENRAGED AND HUFFY fuck-off second message. because it had been 45 minutes since his first contact, and who the fuck did I think I was, treating him so disrespectfully. there were two more follow-ups that I didn't read before I eventually went home and blocked him. he never had a single reply from me to be mad about, but I am sure he is still mad.

yours was like that guy. just a little bit slower to show it. this is a type, and it is a type that is no good for anybody. you're looking for reasons she was like this, but she was like this because she's like this.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:03 PM on September 30, 2017 [4 favorites]


Best answer: Bullet dodged, see other people. You can get all the relationship with none of the drama elsewhere.
posted by benzenedream at 11:50 PM on September 30, 2017 [2 favorites]


Best answer: The anxiety radiating from your question is leaping off the page. I'm sorry this was your first big relationship because it seems like a really shitty one and you're spinning yourself into craziness overthinking the whole thing. (and hey, I've been there and analyzed every single thing that happened in a relationship looking to find answers and I've since learned that is an epic waste of time; you gotta just stop trying to read the tea leaves and move on).

Your takeaways here should be:
1. You are 100% entitled to feel what you feel. So way back when you felt she was being overbearing, THAT was the time to stop and think about whether you actually liked the way she was behaving and if you really wanted to keep dating someone like that.
2. In early days, relationships don't require the rabbithole of analyzing behaviors and deep talks that are all essentially about why the other person needs to change. Those talks aren't hallmarks of intimacy; they're just masking your incompatibility by talking everything to death.
3. For G*d's sake, when your SO is sleeping with another person (or spooning or cuddling), it's over.

What I'm telling you is that the wall of text and six questions indicate you need to step away from this shitshow. Get outside. Take your dog hiking and sit at a coffee shop with them. Call other friends. Call your parents. Go for another walk. Stop thinking about her and was this a rebound because it doesn't matter. What matters is that you didn't listen to your feelings, you plowed ahead, the relationship exploded and now (luckily) it's over. Just bury the whole thing and go have some fun. Ruminating about this woman and the relationship isn't healthy.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:45 AM on October 1, 2017 [5 favorites]


Best answer: 1.) Move on.
2.) Maybe you were a rebound, it's hard to say. Does it matter?
3.) No.
4.) Hell no. If someone doesn't respect your need to move slowly, they aren't right for you.
5.) No - just give yourself a chance to get to know people when you're dating them. The crush feelings are fun, but I think if you got to respect and trust and care for someone, that would outweigh the crush needs.
6.) Every time a relationship ends part of me thinks "Well, that was it - I'll never have a chance like this again." So far that's been wrong every time.

She's jerking you around. Don't see her, and if you do see her don't let her hold your hand etc. She doesn't want to commit or give you what you need, but she wants - perhaps unconsciously - to keep you on the hook. Don't allow it. Go no contact, be good to yourself, and see other people.

Attached is a pretty good book about adult attachment styles - it might help you address some of your questions.

Mostly, breakups just suck. You'll feel sad and maybe a little obsessive until one day you don't. It really doesn't sound like she respected your needs and boundaries, so try to keep reminding yourself that you need that and deserve that.
posted by bunderful at 5:25 AM on October 1, 2017


Best answer: Spooning another person while you were waiting in the next room? Excuse me?

That's someone who barely gives you a second thought except when it's convenient for her.

Look for a new relationship with a person who loves and respects you back. It may take a while but with some work on yourself, you'll get there. You'll reach the point where you attract such a person. When that happens, it will become crystal clear to you that this person is a mess, and you will be glad for every day that you saves by ending ties with her NOW. Yes, it's a rebound. No. It is not salvagable. I know it sucks.
posted by Crystal Fox at 6:57 AM on October 1, 2017 [1 favorite]


Best answer: 1) No, doesn't sound salvageable. Yes, you should move on.
2) Not exactly a rebound but it seems like your ex is totally screwed up by her previous relationship and quite possibly things that happened before that relationship and is not able to be in a healthy relationship right now.
3) Not sure, but at least you have some insight into the fact you are doing this and can work on it.
4) No, but if someone is incredibly insecure, like your ex, they will interpret "taking it slow" as being unsure, or not really into it, and that will set them off and make them more insecure and unreasonable.
5) Doubts are normal. Huge red flags waggling around in your face are not. Know the difference!
6) I don't know about finding love again but it seems like most people manage it! What I do know is that it is better being happy and single than in a relationship like this.
posted by intensitymultiply at 2:09 AM on October 2, 2017


Best answer: First, sending hugs and support. It sounds to me, unfortunately, that your first real relationship was with someone who exhibited many of the behaviors & patterns of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Honestly it doesn't sound salvageable. First intense relationship breakups can hurt so much that it's difficult to move on. You feel like you'll never meet anyone that amazing, or have such a deep connection ever again...but the thing is, people do. With a bit of time and distance, you'll look back on this experience and see it for what it was, instead of for what you wanted it to be. The first few weeks post-breakup are the hardest, be patient with yourself.
posted by muirne81 at 6:53 AM on October 2, 2017


Response by poster: Thank you everyone so much for the responses. Some of them made me chuckle because it should be so clear to me, yet I'm blinded right now by emotions. I'm going to print this out and read it when I start getting sentimental and or in a self blaming mood or moment. I will still check for more responses if anyone has found this a few days later.
posted by christiehawk at 10:08 AM on October 2, 2017


If you met on Tinder, she probably was seeing or at least talking to multiple people at once.
posted by GiveUpNed at 11:29 AM on October 2, 2017


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