Harassment between student w brain injury and trauma survivor student
September 30, 2017 10:40 AM Subscribe
I teach adults. One of my female students (Ann) has become uncomfortable with the attentions of a male student (Bob) in and out of class. Difficulty: Ann is a recent survivor of domestic assault/stalking, so she does not want to be the one to approach Bob; however, Bob is living with a traumatic brain injury and does not pick up on social cues--someone is going to have to tell him directly to stop what he's doing. Ann wants me to talk to Bob about it on Monday. How do I handle this?
On Thursday Ann approached me privately to say Bob was making her uncomfortable because he stares at her frequently in class, and consistently sits beside her, stares at her, and tries to make conversation in study areas (library, resource centres) outside of class. They also live in the same apartment building and take the same bus to school. Ann recently experienced domestic violence/assault and said Bob's behaviour is bringing up reminders of the trauma, but for this reason does not want to speak to him directly to explain why she is uncomfortable. So, Ann has not told Bob to stop, but instead ignores him and moves away when he engages in these behaviours. The college counsellor I referred Ann to on Thursday told her she does not have to speak to Bob but should continue moving away from him if he tries to interact with her, and recommended sitting closer to the front of the class and closer to the bus driver. Ann knows she should speak to college security if she feels unsafe and she can get an escort from them on campus; she also has a social worker at their apartment building (Ann and Bob live in supported social housing) she will speak to this weekend.
Prior to the start of semester, Bob disclosed to me that he has had a traumatic brain injury and I have observed that he is socially awkward with poor social communication skills. He is likely not going to understand unless someone explains directly to him that Ann doesn't want to be his friend/romantic interest. The college counsellor and Ann do not know about Bob's disability.
Ann wants me to talk to Bob on Monday. I am responsible for the wellbeing of students in my classroom, and some of this is indeed playing out in the classroom. I know in cases of harassment the advice is usually for the person receiving unwanted attention to tell the person one time, directly, "Leave me alone" and then report unwanted attention after this. I don't want to force a DV survivor to confront the person making her uncomfortable. On the other hand, Bob needs to be directly told this or he won't understand what's going on due to his limited social capacity.
I have emailed the counsellor to fill her in on the rest of the situation and ask for her advice but haven't heard back yet as she is only part time. I will likely not hear back from her before class Monday. My question is, should I be the one to speak to Bob re: classroom behaviour at least, and if so, how do I do this in an appropriate way? Bob will know Ann has asked me to do this, and she and I are a little worried about backlash from him--but she still wants me to do it soon.
On Thursday Ann approached me privately to say Bob was making her uncomfortable because he stares at her frequently in class, and consistently sits beside her, stares at her, and tries to make conversation in study areas (library, resource centres) outside of class. They also live in the same apartment building and take the same bus to school. Ann recently experienced domestic violence/assault and said Bob's behaviour is bringing up reminders of the trauma, but for this reason does not want to speak to him directly to explain why she is uncomfortable. So, Ann has not told Bob to stop, but instead ignores him and moves away when he engages in these behaviours. The college counsellor I referred Ann to on Thursday told her she does not have to speak to Bob but should continue moving away from him if he tries to interact with her, and recommended sitting closer to the front of the class and closer to the bus driver. Ann knows she should speak to college security if she feels unsafe and she can get an escort from them on campus; she also has a social worker at their apartment building (Ann and Bob live in supported social housing) she will speak to this weekend.
Prior to the start of semester, Bob disclosed to me that he has had a traumatic brain injury and I have observed that he is socially awkward with poor social communication skills. He is likely not going to understand unless someone explains directly to him that Ann doesn't want to be his friend/romantic interest. The college counsellor and Ann do not know about Bob's disability.
Ann wants me to talk to Bob on Monday. I am responsible for the wellbeing of students in my classroom, and some of this is indeed playing out in the classroom. I know in cases of harassment the advice is usually for the person receiving unwanted attention to tell the person one time, directly, "Leave me alone" and then report unwanted attention after this. I don't want to force a DV survivor to confront the person making her uncomfortable. On the other hand, Bob needs to be directly told this or he won't understand what's going on due to his limited social capacity.
I have emailed the counsellor to fill her in on the rest of the situation and ask for her advice but haven't heard back yet as she is only part time. I will likely not hear back from her before class Monday. My question is, should I be the one to speak to Bob re: classroom behaviour at least, and if so, how do I do this in an appropriate way? Bob will know Ann has asked me to do this, and she and I are a little worried about backlash from him--but she still wants me to do it soon.
In what context did Bob disclose his history of traumatic brain injury to you? If he came to you to request support with some classroom tasks, that might be an avenue to address this--even if social communication wasn't one of the things he asked for help with. For example, maybe something like "Bob, I was wondering if one of the things your TBI has caused problems with is picking up on social cues? I have noticed that sometimes during class you seem to be staring at one of your classmates, and it looks to me like this is making her uncomfortable. I wasn't sure if you were able to pick up on her reaction, so I wanted to let you know." But this approach would only make sense if he requested your help in a previous conversation.
I also wonder whether the social worker in their building might just be a more appropriate person to address this issue, overall. The social worker may know them both, and sees them outside the classroom, so could address all of the behaviours that Ann is worried about. You might want to check in with Ann on Monday to see if and how the social worker is going to handle this, before you try to intervene with Bob.
posted by snorkmaiden at 11:07 AM on September 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
I also wonder whether the social worker in their building might just be a more appropriate person to address this issue, overall. The social worker may know them both, and sees them outside the classroom, so could address all of the behaviours that Ann is worried about. You might want to check in with Ann on Monday to see if and how the social worker is going to handle this, before you try to intervene with Bob.
posted by snorkmaiden at 11:07 AM on September 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
Is Bob working with your equivalent of Disabled Student Services? If so, I would contact them and ask them how they suggest you handle it. They may want to communicate with Bob (and possibly Ann) themselves, or there may be something else they suggest you do.
Or if that's who the counselor is that you mentioned, and there's no one else in the department that you can contact, I would probably a) tell Ann that you support her, the situation is complex, and you are seeking advice so that this can be handled in a way that's effective and safe for her, and b) contact my dean/other academic/administrative superior for advice on your next steps.
Good luck; this seems like a tricky situation. I'm glad Ann felt comfortable asking you for help, though!
posted by wintersweet at 11:08 AM on September 30, 2017 [8 favorites]
Or if that's who the counselor is that you mentioned, and there's no one else in the department that you can contact, I would probably a) tell Ann that you support her, the situation is complex, and you are seeking advice so that this can be handled in a way that's effective and safe for her, and b) contact my dean/other academic/administrative superior for advice on your next steps.
Good luck; this seems like a tricky situation. I'm glad Ann felt comfortable asking you for help, though!
posted by wintersweet at 11:08 AM on September 30, 2017 [8 favorites]
Whether it's you or another department who speaks to Bob, it doesn't need to be framed as "Ann doesn't want your attentions", it can be framed as "Ann is dealing with something difficult and she is asking that people leave her alone and give her some space for a while. It's a difficult time for her so she's asked for help in relaying this message to friends and classmates."
posted by vignettist at 11:43 AM on September 30, 2017 [9 favorites]
posted by vignettist at 11:43 AM on September 30, 2017 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Have you already indicated to Ann that you *will* speak to Bob on Monday? If not, I would clarify with her that you have heard her request and are taking steps, but I would not promise her that you yourself will be the one to do so or promise that it will happen Monday. This does sound like a situation where a counsellor or disabilities-support staff may be the best ones to intervene. IANAD and IANBD, but it is possible that Bob's TBI is a major factor here and that it may make addressing his unwanted behaviour difficult. It may be hard for Bob to reliably read situations like these and self-monitor to be sure he is acting appropriately, and he may need assistance in doing so -- assistance which is likely beyond your role and may not be possible for you to provide.
Obviously Ann needs to feel reassured that the situation will be addressed. Bob will need to hear A) that his attentions are being read this way by Ann and B) that his attentions are not desired and need to stop. This will need to be communicated in a very clear and specific fashion. For some people (not all, of course), TBI can cause disinhibition / difficulties understanding relationship boundaries, so it may be important for the building social worker or a member of Bob's support team to indicate to Bob that this is happening (if that's the issue) and to help him develop specific strategies to address it.
If you do end up being the one who does address it, I think you need to state very clearly to Bob that Ann is not comfortable with the level of contact she is receiving from him and that he needs to stop sitting near her and following her. No softening, no apologetic framing. You don't need to say 'because she doesn't like you,' or anything, and I would not bring up her trauma, but you definitely need to be clear that she does not want any attention from him, and that he needs to respect that wish.
posted by halation at 12:07 PM on September 30, 2017 [3 favorites]
Obviously Ann needs to feel reassured that the situation will be addressed. Bob will need to hear A) that his attentions are being read this way by Ann and B) that his attentions are not desired and need to stop. This will need to be communicated in a very clear and specific fashion. For some people (not all, of course), TBI can cause disinhibition / difficulties understanding relationship boundaries, so it may be important for the building social worker or a member of Bob's support team to indicate to Bob that this is happening (if that's the issue) and to help him develop specific strategies to address it.
If you do end up being the one who does address it, I think you need to state very clearly to Bob that Ann is not comfortable with the level of contact she is receiving from him and that he needs to stop sitting near her and following her. No softening, no apologetic framing. You don't need to say 'because she doesn't like you,' or anything, and I would not bring up her trauma, but you definitely need to be clear that she does not want any attention from him, and that he needs to respect that wish.
posted by halation at 12:07 PM on September 30, 2017 [3 favorites]
The student making the request has someone who has a relationship with both of them who is trained to handle this kind of stuff. Let her do the heavy lifting, focus on concrete things in your area if needed. Any classroom behavior you can address do so directly, calmly and non judgenentally. The emotional softening reassurance stuff can really confuse, which isn't the point. Reasons why aren't the point.
Just don't do the thing.
posted by AlexiaSky at 2:25 PM on September 30, 2017
Just don't do the thing.
posted by AlexiaSky at 2:25 PM on September 30, 2017
I think it would be inappropriate to discuss a student's personal situation with another student. It would certainly be illegal in the US, but not sure about the laws where you are.
Unless your job description includes more support outside of class than what you've mentioned, I think all you can do is speak to Bob about troubling behavior you have observed in class. I would use clear and precise language, maybe something like "I have seen that you stare at other students in class. This is not appropriate behavior and must stop. You may look at me or your notes during class, but do not stare at other students."
Can you enforce required seating in class, and seat them away from each other, where Bob cannot see Ann?
posted by SuperSquirrel at 2:52 PM on September 30, 2017 [5 favorites]
Unless your job description includes more support outside of class than what you've mentioned, I think all you can do is speak to Bob about troubling behavior you have observed in class. I would use clear and precise language, maybe something like "I have seen that you stare at other students in class. This is not appropriate behavior and must stop. You may look at me or your notes during class, but do not stare at other students."
Can you enforce required seating in class, and seat them away from each other, where Bob cannot see Ann?
posted by SuperSquirrel at 2:52 PM on September 30, 2017 [5 favorites]
I'm sorry to be blunt, but why is this your problem? They are both adults, correct? And you are not a social worker or a counselor/therapist who is treating either one of them?
This seems like a situation that can only backfire against you, as both the parties involved have privacy-impacted issues going on and you can't very well tell either one of them the whole truth about the other.
Please disengage yourself as much as you can from this, send Ann to a school counselor or to the social worker in her building. Trying to solve this problem is only going end up getting you in trouble with someone ... either Ann or Bob or your administration or all of the above.
posted by mccxxiii at 2:58 PM on September 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
This seems like a situation that can only backfire against you, as both the parties involved have privacy-impacted issues going on and you can't very well tell either one of them the whole truth about the other.
Please disengage yourself as much as you can from this, send Ann to a school counselor or to the social worker in her building. Trying to solve this problem is only going end up getting you in trouble with someone ... either Ann or Bob or your administration or all of the above.
posted by mccxxiii at 2:58 PM on September 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you all. This thread has given me good suggestions on where I can get help and advice on dealing with this. I'm going to spread the wealth and contact my dean and our disability support person and tell them I need help. (I've already contacted the counsellor.) Fortunately I have NOT promised Ann that I would definitely talk to Bob on Monday (though she has expressed that she really really wants me to and I can understand that from her POV), but I've told her I support her and I am trying to figure out the best way to approach this. I will also ask Ann how the conversation with the building social worker went. As snorkmaiden and AlexiaSky pointed out, the social worker will likely know both Ann and Bob and their backgrounds much better and be able to come up with a plan for both of them.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but why is this your problem? They are both adults, correct? And you are not a social worker or a counselor/therapist who is treating either one of them.
That is a good question, mccxxiii. The situation outside the classroom is not my responsibility to address, but the situation in the classroom is. If a student discloses they don't feel safe in my classroom, I am expected to deal with that. No one (including Ann) expects me to solve the outside the classroom stuff, though of course I have referred her to the people who can help her with that.
I think it would be inappropriate to discuss a student's personal situation with another student. It would certainly be illegal in the US, but not sure about the laws where you are.
I'm in Canada but yes, that would be illegal here too. I have no plans to disclose Bob's TBI to Ann (or her background to him).
Bob initially disclosed his TBI to me because he needed me to write a letter of reference for his funding, but he has not asked for help other than that and does not have any accommodations through our disability services department. I think the advice to contact our DS support person about him is really good.
Part of the problem is our support services departments are not perfectly integrated and don't always share information on students (even though it's perfectly legal), so our DS person may be unaware of a student with challenges even if our counselling department is aware, and vice versa. They are also so overwhelmed and understaffed that it can be weeks before they are able to help in non-emergency situations. I feel anxious for Ann and want this to be sorted for her before much more time can go by. At the same time I find Bob challenging to work with and am realizing I need extra support with this.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 3:24 PM on September 30, 2017 [5 favorites]
I'm sorry to be blunt, but why is this your problem? They are both adults, correct? And you are not a social worker or a counselor/therapist who is treating either one of them.
That is a good question, mccxxiii. The situation outside the classroom is not my responsibility to address, but the situation in the classroom is. If a student discloses they don't feel safe in my classroom, I am expected to deal with that. No one (including Ann) expects me to solve the outside the classroom stuff, though of course I have referred her to the people who can help her with that.
I think it would be inappropriate to discuss a student's personal situation with another student. It would certainly be illegal in the US, but not sure about the laws where you are.
I'm in Canada but yes, that would be illegal here too. I have no plans to disclose Bob's TBI to Ann (or her background to him).
Bob initially disclosed his TBI to me because he needed me to write a letter of reference for his funding, but he has not asked for help other than that and does not have any accommodations through our disability services department. I think the advice to contact our DS support person about him is really good.
Part of the problem is our support services departments are not perfectly integrated and don't always share information on students (even though it's perfectly legal), so our DS person may be unaware of a student with challenges even if our counselling department is aware, and vice versa. They are also so overwhelmed and understaffed that it can be weeks before they are able to help in non-emergency situations. I feel anxious for Ann and want this to be sorted for her before much more time can go by. At the same time I find Bob challenging to work with and am realizing I need extra support with this.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 3:24 PM on September 30, 2017 [5 favorites]
In addition to the excellent steps outlined above, I would also suggest researching your organization's anti-harassment policy. Usually, as you've said, the person who feels harassed is encouraged to talk directly to the person harassing them and ask them to stop; but, normally, there is also an escalation process if they don't feel comfortable doing so. At schools I've attended or worked at in the past, there is usually an ombudsman or Associate Dean or someone like that who is professionally trained in addressing harassment issues.
posted by dancing_angel at 3:53 PM on September 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by dancing_angel at 3:53 PM on September 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
They also live in the same apartment building and take the same bus to school
oh god.
practically: do assign seats so that he can't follow her around the classroom every time she tries to move away. other students may not like it but they'll be ok. if the layout allows, put her behind him and closer to the door. this way, if he wants to stare at her he has to turn around to do it, which is both visible and clearly disrespectful to you. so you can speak directly to him in that moment to request his attention be on you and that he face towards the front. that is entirely within your authority as instructor and doesn't bring Ann into it at all.
and really, as an uninvolved student I would be upset with a professor who personally observed harassment during class and did nothing, even if the victim was fully able to assert herself and fight back. especially in college, where everyone is an adult. it's almost extra scary to be an adult and have this happen and have everyone else in the room pretend like they can't see. but maybe it isn't that apparent to an outside observer?
I am sure it is possible that Bob not only doesn't mean to follow and intimidate her but doesn't even know he's doing it and/or doesn't know he shouldn't. but it's not necessarily the case or the whole story. the thing is, anybody who didn't know him before the injury doesn't know what his normal behavior towards women used to be.
figuring out his level of understanding and responsibility is absolutely not your job. but this whole story makes me feel very edgy and anxious for Ann. sometimes people get scared after trauma because they have good instincts and strong pattern recognition. I am worried that if there's only the one specialty housing building, the social worker will try to practice some conflict-resolution skills rather than getting her out of there and into another place to live. which would probably do a lot more for her sense of safety even if he has no bad intentions at all.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:41 PM on September 30, 2017 [15 favorites]
oh god.
practically: do assign seats so that he can't follow her around the classroom every time she tries to move away. other students may not like it but they'll be ok. if the layout allows, put her behind him and closer to the door. this way, if he wants to stare at her he has to turn around to do it, which is both visible and clearly disrespectful to you. so you can speak directly to him in that moment to request his attention be on you and that he face towards the front. that is entirely within your authority as instructor and doesn't bring Ann into it at all.
and really, as an uninvolved student I would be upset with a professor who personally observed harassment during class and did nothing, even if the victim was fully able to assert herself and fight back. especially in college, where everyone is an adult. it's almost extra scary to be an adult and have this happen and have everyone else in the room pretend like they can't see. but maybe it isn't that apparent to an outside observer?
I am sure it is possible that Bob not only doesn't mean to follow and intimidate her but doesn't even know he's doing it and/or doesn't know he shouldn't. but it's not necessarily the case or the whole story. the thing is, anybody who didn't know him before the injury doesn't know what his normal behavior towards women used to be.
figuring out his level of understanding and responsibility is absolutely not your job. but this whole story makes me feel very edgy and anxious for Ann. sometimes people get scared after trauma because they have good instincts and strong pattern recognition. I am worried that if there's only the one specialty housing building, the social worker will try to practice some conflict-resolution skills rather than getting her out of there and into another place to live. which would probably do a lot more for her sense of safety even if he has no bad intentions at all.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:41 PM on September 30, 2017 [15 favorites]
Is Bob's disability something that needs to be kept confidential? Because it seems to me that part of Ann's anxiety stems from the fact that she has given Bob cues that she is not interested that a neurotypical person would pick up on, and perceives that he has ignored them deliberately. If she knew of his disability, perhaps she would feel less anxious that his motives are sinister, and be more direct with him. On one hand it seems a bit unfair to put the onus on her to tell him to stop behaving inappropriately, but it's certainly more "her job" than "your job" - all you can do is support them, and keep an eye on them and be ready to step in if the situation escalates.
posted by intensitymultiply at 2:21 AM on October 2, 2017
posted by intensitymultiply at 2:21 AM on October 2, 2017
Response by poster: Is Bob's disability something that needs to be kept confidential?
Yes, Bob has not given permission to disclose his disability and it must be kept confidential from Ann and the other students.
So, the update:
Yesterday I met with Ann and asked if she was able to connect with the social worker and she said she had, but not face to face and they would meet up this week. I asked her if she felt safe in her building and she said yes--the men and women are segregated on different floors, and she said that made her feel safe.
I was also able to connect with the counsellor yesterday and we had a conversation about how to address this with Bob, which I arranged to do today. She also offered to be present when I had the discussion with Bob. (I let Ann know this morning that we would be talking to him today and she was relieved.)
When I spoke to Bob I was direct and told him that Ann was uncomfortable with his attention and that she wanted him to stop trying to engage with her. I listed the specific behaviours she wanted him to stop. He expressed surprise and said he had not intended to make her uncomfortable but that he would stop trying to engage with her. He also told the counsellor and me that he had an appointment with a psychotherapist as he is aware that he has trouble with social norms.
I'm just glad Ann felt she could ask me for help. I will continue to monitor things in my classroom and ask Ann how she is doing. I suspect it was really Bob's behaviour outside the classroom that was alarming her, and it was just the last straw that he is also in this class with her. When he was trying to sit beside her, it was not in class, it was in the library and student resource centre. Apparently she tried to seek help from the staff in those places but they did not know what to do, so she came to me (and I'm glad she did). I have alerted counselling that they need to do harassment awareness training with the staff in those areas. I'm fine dealing with the situation, since it affects my student and at least partly takes place in my classroom, but she really should have received more help from the first people she approached.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:53 PM on October 3, 2017 [7 favorites]
Yes, Bob has not given permission to disclose his disability and it must be kept confidential from Ann and the other students.
So, the update:
Yesterday I met with Ann and asked if she was able to connect with the social worker and she said she had, but not face to face and they would meet up this week. I asked her if she felt safe in her building and she said yes--the men and women are segregated on different floors, and she said that made her feel safe.
I was also able to connect with the counsellor yesterday and we had a conversation about how to address this with Bob, which I arranged to do today. She also offered to be present when I had the discussion with Bob. (I let Ann know this morning that we would be talking to him today and she was relieved.)
When I spoke to Bob I was direct and told him that Ann was uncomfortable with his attention and that she wanted him to stop trying to engage with her. I listed the specific behaviours she wanted him to stop. He expressed surprise and said he had not intended to make her uncomfortable but that he would stop trying to engage with her. He also told the counsellor and me that he had an appointment with a psychotherapist as he is aware that he has trouble with social norms.
I'm just glad Ann felt she could ask me for help. I will continue to monitor things in my classroom and ask Ann how she is doing. I suspect it was really Bob's behaviour outside the classroom that was alarming her, and it was just the last straw that he is also in this class with her. When he was trying to sit beside her, it was not in class, it was in the library and student resource centre. Apparently she tried to seek help from the staff in those places but they did not know what to do, so she came to me (and I'm glad she did). I have alerted counselling that they need to do harassment awareness training with the staff in those areas. I'm fine dealing with the situation, since it affects my student and at least partly takes place in my classroom, but she really should have received more help from the first people she approached.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 10:53 PM on October 3, 2017 [7 favorites]
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posted by Don Pepino at 10:46 AM on September 30, 2017 [6 favorites]