Cry for help about crying for help
January 25, 2006 8:58 AM Subscribe
I get crippling anxiety attacks in any situation that requires me asking for anything. This is predictably ruining my life.
I'm a male in his early 20s. I tried applying for law school and was paralyzed when it came to requesting letters of recomendation and even that transcripts be sent. If I can't find something in a store I'll wander around endlessly and leave if I can't find it. I wanted to send a fax but when I couldn't figure it out how the machine worked I couldn't bring myself to ask for help and had to leave the store to avoid breaking down and crying. I've been largely unable to pursue any romantic relationships because of this and have been consistantly unemployed or underemployed. At my first job I went months without picking up my paychecks because I didn't know how to get them. Seeing a psychologist is probably the optimal solution but I realy can't afford it at this point, I just don't have the money and my problem would render the pursuit of its solution a monumental undrertaking. In all other respects I am much more normal and loquacious than these problems would imply.
Anyone have any experience with anything similar. Any advice or book recomendations?
I'm a male in his early 20s. I tried applying for law school and was paralyzed when it came to requesting letters of recomendation and even that transcripts be sent. If I can't find something in a store I'll wander around endlessly and leave if I can't find it. I wanted to send a fax but when I couldn't figure it out how the machine worked I couldn't bring myself to ask for help and had to leave the store to avoid breaking down and crying. I've been largely unable to pursue any romantic relationships because of this and have been consistantly unemployed or underemployed. At my first job I went months without picking up my paychecks because I didn't know how to get them. Seeing a psychologist is probably the optimal solution but I realy can't afford it at this point, I just don't have the money and my problem would render the pursuit of its solution a monumental undrertaking. In all other respects I am much more normal and loquacious than these problems would imply.
Anyone have any experience with anything similar. Any advice or book recomendations?
'Course, that would mean he would have to go ASK for that information.
posted by Witty at 9:20 AM on January 25, 2006
posted by Witty at 9:20 AM on January 25, 2006
I would have preferred to email you but you're anonymous so whoever you are, email me.
I previously suffered from social anxiety (diagnosed). I went through cognitive behavioural therapy and it changed my life.
posted by alby at 9:26 AM on January 25, 2006
I previously suffered from social anxiety (diagnosed). I went through cognitive behavioural therapy and it changed my life.
posted by alby at 9:26 AM on January 25, 2006
I've gone through much of my life (like you, I'm in my early 20s) in largely the same way, though not to as great an extent as you.
Basically, when there's something that I particularly need (say, a letter of recommendation, or a vital item from a store), I force myself to ask. Once I started doing that, I found it became a little easier to ask about other things, though I would hardly say I'm "cured," as there are still all sorts of things I won't ask about, particularly if it's something that seems obvious, or would be an expected question for someone new after I've been there for a while.
So, my advice is, try to make yourself ask about a few important things. Once you realize that it generally works, and the worst anyone can really tell you is "no" (or not answer), it seems to be a lot easier.
If you find this doesn't work for you (and it very well may not), then I've found it quite helpful to try to be super-observant at places like work, when I don't know something. Rather than ask, I'll try to sneak glances at someone else doing something, or listen to other people's conversations to pick up little bits of information. I don't really recommend this as a long-term approach, though.
posted by Godbert at 9:27 AM on January 25, 2006
Basically, when there's something that I particularly need (say, a letter of recommendation, or a vital item from a store), I force myself to ask. Once I started doing that, I found it became a little easier to ask about other things, though I would hardly say I'm "cured," as there are still all sorts of things I won't ask about, particularly if it's something that seems obvious, or would be an expected question for someone new after I've been there for a while.
So, my advice is, try to make yourself ask about a few important things. Once you realize that it generally works, and the worst anyone can really tell you is "no" (or not answer), it seems to be a lot easier.
If you find this doesn't work for you (and it very well may not), then I've found it quite helpful to try to be super-observant at places like work, when I don't know something. Rather than ask, I'll try to sneak glances at someone else doing something, or listen to other people's conversations to pick up little bits of information. I don't really recommend this as a long-term approach, though.
posted by Godbert at 9:27 AM on January 25, 2006
Like Godbert said. Lots of people have this problem to a varying degree. You just have to force yourself. Nobody can make you do it but you.
posted by zerolives at 9:30 AM on January 25, 2006
posted by zerolives at 9:30 AM on January 25, 2006
I was like this in college and have managed, somehow, to mostly grow out of it--I wish I knew how it happened so I could be more helpful.
I never got counseling or medication for it because, hah, I was too anxious to ask for help.
In the meantime, I developed coping skills that basically came down to this:
-When possible, make contact by e-mail, which is a little less intimidating than by phone or in person.
-Do not use this panic/anxiety as an excuse to berate yourself for all of your failings. It just is. It is a part of myself. I need to cope with it, not blame myself for it. It's a bit like having a broken limb; you just have to accept that a lot of things are going to be harder, and take longer, and your personal best is going to look half-assed to somebody else but it's still the best you can do.
-Think of just one thing you need to get done that's hard or panic-inducing. Break it down into steps. Block out some time for it (as in hours). Write out a script for what you're going to say. Breathe. Meditate. Set a deadline for yourself to send the e-mail/make the phone call/talk to the person. If that deadline passes, set another one. If you only manage to get one thing done that day, be kind to yourself about that, because it is hard.
There have been times I've spent two hours trying to pick up a phone...and that's okay, because that's still better than not making the call at all.
If you can manage that--to summon up all of your courage and all of your energy reserves and just make contact with someone to ask for help--then probably make it your priority to talk to a mental health professional who can work with fees on a sliding scale.
posted by Jeanne at 9:35 AM on January 25, 2006
I never got counseling or medication for it because, hah, I was too anxious to ask for help.
In the meantime, I developed coping skills that basically came down to this:
-When possible, make contact by e-mail, which is a little less intimidating than by phone or in person.
-Do not use this panic/anxiety as an excuse to berate yourself for all of your failings. It just is. It is a part of myself. I need to cope with it, not blame myself for it. It's a bit like having a broken limb; you just have to accept that a lot of things are going to be harder, and take longer, and your personal best is going to look half-assed to somebody else but it's still the best you can do.
-Think of just one thing you need to get done that's hard or panic-inducing. Break it down into steps. Block out some time for it (as in hours). Write out a script for what you're going to say. Breathe. Meditate. Set a deadline for yourself to send the e-mail/make the phone call/talk to the person. If that deadline passes, set another one. If you only manage to get one thing done that day, be kind to yourself about that, because it is hard.
There have been times I've spent two hours trying to pick up a phone...and that's okay, because that's still better than not making the call at all.
If you can manage that--to summon up all of your courage and all of your energy reserves and just make contact with someone to ask for help--then probably make it your priority to talk to a mental health professional who can work with fees on a sliding scale.
posted by Jeanne at 9:35 AM on January 25, 2006
In spite of the "just do it" advice, you almost certainly will need professional help. Psychotherapy of the cognitive-behavioral variety is the key here. I know you said that you can't afford it, but this is going to be the solution in the long run.
You should find a friend who you trust and tell them what you're going through, then say, "I can't do the work that is required for me to find a therapist and investigate pricing options, payment, insurance, and so on. Please do this for me and let me know when my first appointment is." Maybe a family member could do this for you.
If someone pursues this assertively, they will almost certainly be able to find affordable (if not free) options. If you're associated with a university in any way, it will probably be free, for example.
Good luck.
posted by crapples at 9:38 AM on January 25, 2006
You should find a friend who you trust and tell them what you're going through, then say, "I can't do the work that is required for me to find a therapist and investigate pricing options, payment, insurance, and so on. Please do this for me and let me know when my first appointment is." Maybe a family member could do this for you.
If someone pursues this assertively, they will almost certainly be able to find affordable (if not free) options. If you're associated with a university in any way, it will probably be free, for example.
Good luck.
posted by crapples at 9:38 AM on January 25, 2006
One more:
If you can find it in you to ask someone for help, make it a situation where your chance of success is comparatively high (say, asking someone for help getting a paycheck, rather than asking for letters of recommendation). If you have a success, or a 'that wasn't so bad,' then next time it will be just a little bit easier.
posted by Jeanne at 9:41 AM on January 25, 2006
If you can find it in you to ask someone for help, make it a situation where your chance of success is comparatively high (say, asking someone for help getting a paycheck, rather than asking for letters of recommendation). If you have a success, or a 'that wasn't so bad,' then next time it will be just a little bit easier.
posted by Jeanne at 9:41 AM on January 25, 2006
I recommend seeking out a friend that is going through similar problems, and working together by encouraging each other to overcome each "little thing" that stands in the way of ultimate goals. Perhaps a posting on Craigslist might help you seek someone out - you never know.
The above isn't intended to imply that you should do this through a romantic relationship, although that's certainly a possibility.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 9:55 AM on January 25, 2006
The above isn't intended to imply that you should do this through a romantic relationship, although that's certainly a possibility.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 9:55 AM on January 25, 2006
Well, first off, I definately understand where you're coming from. I'm a 21 y/o guy finishing college (and then going to grad school) right now. Things have gotten much better over time, but I've experienced many of the same social anxieties you talk about, and it sounds like perhaps to a similar degree.
A few years ago I was looking for a summer job and more than once drove across town to a coffee shop or fast food place I wanted to apply to. But when I stepped into the place I froze, unable to walk up to the counter and ask for the form, then I'd start worry about looking weird/stupid just standing there so I'd turn around and walk back out. Once I got to the door and couldn't get myself to open it, so I just turned around and drove back home. I've also never been able to directly ask a girl out on a date, and date-like expectations and situations have always been a bit nightmarish for me. All your examples fall pretty much in line with things I've experienced, with the exeption that going months without a paycheck is a little more extreme than any of my experiences.
So, on to advice.
See a psychologist if you can. You already seem to know this is the best answer, but don't give up on figuring out a way to arrange it. It can be very helpful.
Medication is an option. I've been on and off of meds for anxiety and depression, and I can't vouch very strongly for them, but in general they do seem to help people. I'm not sure if you're using the term "anxiety attack" as a synonym for "panic attack" or just to indicate a general rush of anxiety, but if you're having panic attacks medication is more likly to be a valuable option. It's not ideal, but you can talk to your regular doctor about this and he/she could prescribe medication directly without going through a psychiatrist.
As far as trying to get better on your own, I'd recommend finding small low-risk things to make yourself do first and then build on them. Make these situations where you have easy outs and where no one knows you/will remember you. For example, if phones are tough for you (as they were for me), start by ordering a pizza over the phone. Beforehand write down your order on a pad of paper so you don't fumble with it, or even a script that you want to follow.
From there build up to something more difficult, like asking someone in a retail store where something is. Plan it out ahead of time. Maybe even make a recon trip a few days earlier. Make it a store you know the layout of, an item you already know the location of, plan out your question ahead of time, and know an area where a sales clerk is likely to be standing so you can walk right up to them as soon as you enter the store. That way there are fewer variables and the only thing to do is ask.
The specifics might vary for you, but the key seems to be to find the things that are right on the edge of your comfort zone so that they're difficult to do but not impossible. Create the least threatening versions of those things, and then do those things as much as you can. Your comfort zone will expand to include them. Then start doing the things that are on the new edge, etc, etc.
The good news is that this stuff can get a lot better. I'm living proof. Keep in mind that lots of others are struggling with the same things. Keep at it. Good luck.
posted by Wingy at 10:18 AM on January 25, 2006
A few years ago I was looking for a summer job and more than once drove across town to a coffee shop or fast food place I wanted to apply to. But when I stepped into the place I froze, unable to walk up to the counter and ask for the form, then I'd start worry about looking weird/stupid just standing there so I'd turn around and walk back out. Once I got to the door and couldn't get myself to open it, so I just turned around and drove back home. I've also never been able to directly ask a girl out on a date, and date-like expectations and situations have always been a bit nightmarish for me. All your examples fall pretty much in line with things I've experienced, with the exeption that going months without a paycheck is a little more extreme than any of my experiences.
So, on to advice.
See a psychologist if you can. You already seem to know this is the best answer, but don't give up on figuring out a way to arrange it. It can be very helpful.
Medication is an option. I've been on and off of meds for anxiety and depression, and I can't vouch very strongly for them, but in general they do seem to help people. I'm not sure if you're using the term "anxiety attack" as a synonym for "panic attack" or just to indicate a general rush of anxiety, but if you're having panic attacks medication is more likly to be a valuable option. It's not ideal, but you can talk to your regular doctor about this and he/she could prescribe medication directly without going through a psychiatrist.
As far as trying to get better on your own, I'd recommend finding small low-risk things to make yourself do first and then build on them. Make these situations where you have easy outs and where no one knows you/will remember you. For example, if phones are tough for you (as they were for me), start by ordering a pizza over the phone. Beforehand write down your order on a pad of paper so you don't fumble with it, or even a script that you want to follow.
From there build up to something more difficult, like asking someone in a retail store where something is. Plan it out ahead of time. Maybe even make a recon trip a few days earlier. Make it a store you know the layout of, an item you already know the location of, plan out your question ahead of time, and know an area where a sales clerk is likely to be standing so you can walk right up to them as soon as you enter the store. That way there are fewer variables and the only thing to do is ask.
The specifics might vary for you, but the key seems to be to find the things that are right on the edge of your comfort zone so that they're difficult to do but not impossible. Create the least threatening versions of those things, and then do those things as much as you can. Your comfort zone will expand to include them. Then start doing the things that are on the new edge, etc, etc.
The good news is that this stuff can get a lot better. I'm living proof. Keep in mind that lots of others are struggling with the same things. Keep at it. Good luck.
posted by Wingy at 10:18 AM on January 25, 2006
Though I wouldn't say that my experience with this is at all crippling, I do empathize. I know that the prospect of rejection (or any negative byproduct of asking for something) is oftentimes much much worse than the actual worst-case-scenario result might be. My experience is that asking gets easier the more you do it -- though "just doing it" the first few times will probably take assistance, in the form of therapy, a friend, et cetera. If you're truly sure you can't swing any kind of organized therapy, and you're having trouble meeting someone who might help -- basically if you're forced to work on this yourself -- a good thing to keep in mind is: currently you're without "thing x." If you ask for it, the worst thing that could happen is... you'll be without "thing x." And start small and innocuous -- "excuse me, where are the bathrooms?"
Also, please remember that everyone out there in this world is a big organic bag of phobias, neuroses, and a general sense of insecurity. And then think of how you feel (maybe honored?) when people ask for your help and advice...
posted by penchant at 10:21 AM on January 25, 2006
Also, please remember that everyone out there in this world is a big organic bag of phobias, neuroses, and a general sense of insecurity. And then think of how you feel (maybe honored?) when people ask for your help and advice...
posted by penchant at 10:21 AM on January 25, 2006
IANAD, but I too have a whopping dose of social anxiety. Visualizing or imagining possible POSITIVE outcomes of the anxiety-producing situations often helps me. That is, if I realize that asking for a letter of recommendation makes me assume that the person will be annoyed with me or laugh at me, I will instead try to imagine them being happy to help. Sounds corny, but really does work (sometimes).
Xanax (alprazolam, an anti-anxiety drug) also helps. A lot. Counseling can help, but in my experience you really have to be able to bond with the therapist. Free or low-cost / income appropriate counseling is available in many communities. If you are hesitant about asking for help in person, like at a library, try calling an anonymous help line and seeing if they can direct you.
Good luck. You're not alone in this by any means.
posted by scratch at 10:34 AM on January 25, 2006
Xanax (alprazolam, an anti-anxiety drug) also helps. A lot. Counseling can help, but in my experience you really have to be able to bond with the therapist. Free or low-cost / income appropriate counseling is available in many communities. If you are hesitant about asking for help in person, like at a library, try calling an anonymous help line and seeing if they can direct you.
Good luck. You're not alone in this by any means.
posted by scratch at 10:34 AM on January 25, 2006
This question could have been written by me in my 20s. I've gotten better only by sheer will alone. And I said better, not cured.
When I first had to start dealing with the public (due to my job) it was sheer torture. At times (a lot of times) I had to make a quick trip to the washroom to puke. I forced myself to pick up that phone and make a necessary phone call, made myself ask a person a question. Just saying hello to the clerk in the check-out line was very difficult and through repetition it now comes fairly easily.
Specific advice: try to start with situations where the outcome doesn't matter, such as simple chit-chat, not job or school oriented. Say hello to the clerk, ask where something is located, say something about the weather or your favourite sports team, smile.
I'm 39 now and it's still difficult. I've been out of work for quite a while in part due to my social anxiety.
The advice upthread is good (especially Jeanne, Godbert and Wingy). If you can, get professional help. I know I'd be better off if I could do so.
My email is in my profile. You'll remain anon.
posted by deborah at 10:42 AM on January 25, 2006
When I first had to start dealing with the public (due to my job) it was sheer torture. At times (a lot of times) I had to make a quick trip to the washroom to puke. I forced myself to pick up that phone and make a necessary phone call, made myself ask a person a question. Just saying hello to the clerk in the check-out line was very difficult and through repetition it now comes fairly easily.
Specific advice: try to start with situations where the outcome doesn't matter, such as simple chit-chat, not job or school oriented. Say hello to the clerk, ask where something is located, say something about the weather or your favourite sports team, smile.
I'm 39 now and it's still difficult. I've been out of work for quite a while in part due to my social anxiety.
The advice upthread is good (especially Jeanne, Godbert and Wingy). If you can, get professional help. I know I'd be better off if I could do so.
My email is in my profile. You'll remain anon.
posted by deborah at 10:42 AM on January 25, 2006
What Crapples said. You really can't do this by yourself and you really do need professional help. Even if some people "grow out of it" it doesn't sound like you will, at least not any time soon, and not without a lot of misery until then. Make doing whatever you have to do to get that help your number one priority. Virtually all communities in the US (at least) have community mental health centers that provide services on a sliding scale basis (free if necessary). If you can enlist a friend or family member to help you make the arrangements, this is really your best option. If you can't find someone to help you arrange it, could you write a letter explaining the situation with a request for them to contact you? You were able to write about this situation here, so I suspect that might be a workable option for you.
Social phobias are powerful and complex, I really don't think just "willing" yourself to get over it is your best plan, but you will have to somehow come up with the will to make the first steps.
posted by redheadeb at 10:42 AM on January 25, 2006
Social phobias are powerful and complex, I really don't think just "willing" yourself to get over it is your best plan, but you will have to somehow come up with the will to make the first steps.
posted by redheadeb at 10:42 AM on January 25, 2006
(I should add, on the law school recommendation front, that I e-mailed an undergraduate professor four years after I had last spoken with him, and he both remembered me and was happy to help out, despite my lackluster overall undergraduate performance. They run into these requests all the time.)
posted by Saucy Intruder at 10:45 AM on January 25, 2006
posted by Saucy Intruder at 10:45 AM on January 25, 2006
It seems like you are in a tricky situation. I'm glad you got the nerve to ask for our help. As I have am certified in NLP and hypnosis, my reaction is to talk with you and figure out exactly how you know when not to ask questions. Once you figure that out you can probably teach yourself some new possible wasy to be and behaviors. Right now though, I would recommend just trying some off-the-shelf hypnotic suggestion tapes. For many people that is enough to start their evolutionary process to real lasting change. I have heard some of the inductions on this site and thought they were pretty good. Belleruth Naparstek makes some good guided imagery and affirmation tapes on these topics. This also looks interesting, but I have not heard it.
posted by blueyellow at 10:53 AM on January 25, 2006
posted by blueyellow at 10:53 AM on January 25, 2006
I agree that you should find a therapist to help you work through this.
The best way to treat anxiety is to make yourself do whatever you're anxious about. You have to do it so you learn that you'll survive and that it's not so bad after all. It's not easy and I hope I'm not making it sound like it will be easy... But start off small, as others have suggested, and in situations where your rate of success will be high and work your way up to the more difficult situations.
Best of luck to you.
posted by whatideserve at 11:07 AM on January 25, 2006
The best way to treat anxiety is to make yourself do whatever you're anxious about. You have to do it so you learn that you'll survive and that it's not so bad after all. It's not easy and I hope I'm not making it sound like it will be easy... But start off small, as others have suggested, and in situations where your rate of success will be high and work your way up to the more difficult situations.
Best of luck to you.
posted by whatideserve at 11:07 AM on January 25, 2006
And give yourself credit where it's due. You just asked a whole bunch of people for help. Write that on the top of your list and cross it off with a big black marker. Good luck.
posted by penguin pie at 11:12 AM on January 25, 2006
posted by penguin pie at 11:12 AM on January 25, 2006
I haven't gone through this issue personally, but I know someone with generalized anxiety disorder, and he took a course with his doctor, and one of the books recommended was "From Panic to Power" by Lucinda Bassett. Link goes to a fairly hardcore selling site for the centre she's involved with. However, the person I know that read this book said it was excellent and really helped him out - you should be able to get a copy from your local library. The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook mentioned above is another book that was purchased by someone else I know with anxiety issues and she said it was useful as a starting point for her.
posted by Cyrie at 11:22 AM on January 25, 2006
posted by Cyrie at 11:22 AM on January 25, 2006
I recommend the Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook and potentially talking to your doctor about this if you can't afford to go to a psychologist. I was in a very similar boat and found that a low dose of an SSRI anti-depressant really made a world of difference. But it's something your doctor really needs to discuss with you as to whether it is right for you.
Good luck!
posted by catfood at 11:36 AM on January 25, 2006
Good luck!
posted by catfood at 11:36 AM on January 25, 2006
here goes. this may come out to be a lot. it's from my own struggles.
workarounds until you feel better with asking questions:
(motto: books and technology are your friends)
here's what I did to change.
self devised 2 week homework plan (honesty. I did this):
good luck!
posted by mirileh at 11:57 AM on January 25, 2006
workarounds until you feel better with asking questions:
(motto: books and technology are your friends)
- learn to search the internet. there are answers to so many questions out there. and as you have obviously learned the internet is a wonderful place to ask anonymously.
- when possible use email to ask questions you find too hard to ask in person. that way you can quietly think out exactly what it is you want to ask and then press send. it will also be easier to digest answers from the security of your computer.
- by phone is easier than by person. jot down beforehand what exactly you want to ask and write down the answers you receive (and dive for it even if it feels scary). this way it will be easier for you to follow through when you feel flustered. jotting down questions before asking questions in person helps too. decide each time you will do it and put a deadline on it (so not to squeam out of asking).
- you'd be amazed how many books, websites and blogs there are out there with advice on practically every subject. Amazon (www.amazon.com) is wonderful to search for books. find the book/s you think can help you and then either order them from the privacy of your home (wonderful, no salesperson) or look them up at a library (most libraries today have online catalogues you can search. no need to ask the librarian)
here's what I did to change.
self devised 2 week homework plan (honesty. I did this):
- have a little notebook/pad on you all week. write down every little thing you find yourself wanting to ask but are too embarrassed to. at the end of the first week, for each question you jotted down, answer the following questions:
- would you feel disrespect for someone who asked you about this? if so, why?
- who is the right person/place to get an answer to your question?
- write down the exact wording of the question you would ask to find out the answer.
- (the following day) reread your question from the eyes of the person being asked. is the question clear? if not, sharpen the question. and for the second week:
- mark two "have to" questions (the questions you find the most important).
- give yourself exact deadlines to ask these two questions (mark them down).
- ask them.
- (extra points) try to ask as many more questions as you can. by the end of this week:
- write down the answers you received.
- write down what happened and how you felt.
good luck!
posted by mirileh at 11:57 AM on January 25, 2006
I have this too and in my experience it's managed, not cured. Tricks I use:
Before bedtime I write down info for calls I need to make in the morning. Never more than 2 a day, that's all I can deal with. I find the phone # and write it down, and write a script. So I have no excuse. In the morning I pick up the phone, dial it, and read the script. I make myself make the calls before I allow myself to turn on the computer.
I start very very small. Like if I can frame my request as a request for information instead of asking for something, that is easier. For example, "where would I go to find more information about counseling services available to students?" instead of, "I want a therapy appointment." At least half the time making an information request results in me getting what I want and it's easier.
"Too Nice For Your Own Good" by Duke Robinson and "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David Burns were helpful to me.
Good luck!! Ditto what people above have said about counselling too, it can really help.
posted by selfmedicating at 12:04 PM on January 25, 2006
Before bedtime I write down info for calls I need to make in the morning. Never more than 2 a day, that's all I can deal with. I find the phone # and write it down, and write a script. So I have no excuse. In the morning I pick up the phone, dial it, and read the script. I make myself make the calls before I allow myself to turn on the computer.
I start very very small. Like if I can frame my request as a request for information instead of asking for something, that is easier. For example, "where would I go to find more information about counseling services available to students?" instead of, "I want a therapy appointment." At least half the time making an information request results in me getting what I want and it's easier.
"Too Nice For Your Own Good" by Duke Robinson and "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David Burns were helpful to me.
Good luck!! Ditto what people above have said about counselling too, it can really help.
posted by selfmedicating at 12:04 PM on January 25, 2006
I was like this for the first 30 years of my life. I would sometimes turn down a different street and go way out of my way to avoid someone I knew slightly because I didn't know what to say. Asking for help in a store was out of the question. I did get therapy and was eventually perscribed antidepressants. You can get antidepressants from your regular doctor. I started with Prozac and that helped quite a bit. Write what you've just told us or copy it directly from here and print it out. Hand it to your doctor. That's what I finally had to do.
The other thing that really helped was watching the people who are good at asking for things and acting like I was them. Watching what they say, how they say it etc. Smile when you ask. This is hard but once you get used to it it will be one of your strogest allies. Practice your "act" in front of the mirror. Go somewhere out of your neighborhood where you will never have to go again and no one knows you. People develop expectations of you and it's better to go somewhere where no one know that you're that shy guy.
The Alchoholic Anonymous people say "Fake it till you make it". This is what you have to do.
Start small. Someone suggested "Where are the restrooms" that's a good one.
You can do this. I can go into restaraunts now and order an item, ask them to change 3 different things about it and then ask if I can't have some more of that yummy bread and maybe one of those cute toys they're giving the little kids.
I still get a kick out of it.
Good luck.
Oh, one more thing. Remember there are a lot of people just like you out there. When I first started I tried to remind myself that most people are out there thinking "Please like me, Please like me, Please like me" . Look on it as an experiment. You can write a book about it later.
posted by BoscosMom at 12:13 PM on January 25, 2006
The other thing that really helped was watching the people who are good at asking for things and acting like I was them. Watching what they say, how they say it etc. Smile when you ask. This is hard but once you get used to it it will be one of your strogest allies. Practice your "act" in front of the mirror. Go somewhere out of your neighborhood where you will never have to go again and no one knows you. People develop expectations of you and it's better to go somewhere where no one know that you're that shy guy.
The Alchoholic Anonymous people say "Fake it till you make it". This is what you have to do.
Start small. Someone suggested "Where are the restrooms" that's a good one.
You can do this. I can go into restaraunts now and order an item, ask them to change 3 different things about it and then ask if I can't have some more of that yummy bread and maybe one of those cute toys they're giving the little kids.
I still get a kick out of it.
Good luck.
Oh, one more thing. Remember there are a lot of people just like you out there. When I first started I tried to remind myself that most people are out there thinking "Please like me, Please like me, Please like me" . Look on it as an experiment. You can write a book about it later.
posted by BoscosMom at 12:13 PM on January 25, 2006
This also sounds very familiar. During my teens I'd wander the stores, searching out for what I need and never asking anyone. I couldn't ask questions during class and would have to work up the nerve to go to the teacher after class. Even picking up the phone held to great the risk of a negative reaction.
Though now I'd still rather look for an item in the store myself and can pick up the phone to call for a pizza, I still have certain avoidance behaviors. I think you have to realize that there are certain situations where you can get away with this, (such as using email to contact a coworker, looking info online instead of over the phone, and wasting your own time figuring stuff out yourself instead of asking for help), and certain situations where you are screwing yourself over, such as getting into law school.
You have to change your attitude and your expectations, which is where cognitive behavior therapy would work really well. Besides working up the nerve to just do it, ask yourself, really, what will be the outcome of the situation, and what is a realistic result. So if you go to your old professor and they say they are too busy (or horror of horrors, they don't remember you as their student) so what? That doesn't mean you're a bad person that everybody hates. You can always turn to another professor and ask. Act confident until you feel confident.
I used to be terrified of calling customer service because I thought any slip-up on my part would make them rude and mean to me. And sometimes they are, but so what? I don't care what some stranger over the phone thinks of me, I just want customer satisfaction. Become a bit of an asshole (in your head). If you're too nice and passive, what you think of as bold, even jerky behavior is probably normal and will get you results.
Tell these things to yourself before and during this particular type of situation.
1.) Nobody's going to hate you for asking a dumb question or committing a social faux pas.
2.) If they are rude or mean, so what? If they're a stranger, their opinion shouldn't matter to you because they don't know the real you. If it is a person you know and like, remember that everyone has feelings and that negative ones are a part of life. You can either face them or slink off into the shadows. If you face them, you'll more than likely find out they were a bit annoyed but it's certainly not anywhere near the acrimony and tension you thought it was.
3.) Your self worth should not be tied to the social situations you encounter.
4.) Act confident to command respect, even if you don't feel you deserve it.
No matter how stupid, ugly, boring, bland, etc you feel, remember there's always someone worse, and they're probably not letting it get to them. Tally up your positives, don't fret over your negatives, and go ahead with life. Good luck.
posted by lychee at 12:53 PM on January 25, 2006
Though now I'd still rather look for an item in the store myself and can pick up the phone to call for a pizza, I still have certain avoidance behaviors. I think you have to realize that there are certain situations where you can get away with this, (such as using email to contact a coworker, looking info online instead of over the phone, and wasting your own time figuring stuff out yourself instead of asking for help), and certain situations where you are screwing yourself over, such as getting into law school.
You have to change your attitude and your expectations, which is where cognitive behavior therapy would work really well. Besides working up the nerve to just do it, ask yourself, really, what will be the outcome of the situation, and what is a realistic result. So if you go to your old professor and they say they are too busy (or horror of horrors, they don't remember you as their student) so what? That doesn't mean you're a bad person that everybody hates. You can always turn to another professor and ask. Act confident until you feel confident.
I used to be terrified of calling customer service because I thought any slip-up on my part would make them rude and mean to me. And sometimes they are, but so what? I don't care what some stranger over the phone thinks of me, I just want customer satisfaction. Become a bit of an asshole (in your head). If you're too nice and passive, what you think of as bold, even jerky behavior is probably normal and will get you results.
Tell these things to yourself before and during this particular type of situation.
1.) Nobody's going to hate you for asking a dumb question or committing a social faux pas.
2.) If they are rude or mean, so what? If they're a stranger, their opinion shouldn't matter to you because they don't know the real you. If it is a person you know and like, remember that everyone has feelings and that negative ones are a part of life. You can either face them or slink off into the shadows. If you face them, you'll more than likely find out they were a bit annoyed but it's certainly not anywhere near the acrimony and tension you thought it was.
3.) Your self worth should not be tied to the social situations you encounter.
4.) Act confident to command respect, even if you don't feel you deserve it.
No matter how stupid, ugly, boring, bland, etc you feel, remember there's always someone worse, and they're probably not letting it get to them. Tally up your positives, don't fret over your negatives, and go ahead with life. Good luck.
posted by lychee at 12:53 PM on January 25, 2006
I have quite a bit of this myself, but I'm curious...did you have any problems asking the question here?
posted by Brainy at 1:44 PM on January 25, 2006
posted by Brainy at 1:44 PM on January 25, 2006
All the previous advice, including seeking professional help, is good. I have a few other suggestions, though.
I think what you need to do is start small in relatively safe environments. Go to a public library some time. Ask the librarian some questions. They're there because they LIKE to answer questions, for one. Also, being a public institution, they're used to dealing with a wide spectrum of people. Just go in and ask for books on something you like. Ask for recommendations for novels in your favorite genre.
posted by dagnyscott at 3:53 PM on January 25, 2006
I think what you need to do is start small in relatively safe environments. Go to a public library some time. Ask the librarian some questions. They're there because they LIKE to answer questions, for one. Also, being a public institution, they're used to dealing with a wide spectrum of people. Just go in and ask for books on something you like. Ask for recommendations for novels in your favorite genre.
posted by dagnyscott at 3:53 PM on January 25, 2006
Get a prescription for Ativan. It's a short duration, fast acting tranquilizer that will kill off panic attacks and help train you to stop them without it.
That's what did it for me. It both cured the symptoms at the time, and helped me solve the underlying problem.
posted by glider at 4:15 PM on January 25, 2006
That's what did it for me. It both cured the symptoms at the time, and helped me solve the underlying problem.
posted by glider at 4:15 PM on January 25, 2006
As anxiety-ridden as you are, thank you for being brave enough to posit this question, even anonymously. My current apps are incomplete because I never worked up the courage to ask for recommendation letters. So I definitely empathise with your situation. And I appreciate now having these answers here as a resource.
You're strong enough to have helped me in a way; I hope you get the help you deserve in turn.
posted by neda at 5:15 PM on January 25, 2006
You're strong enough to have helped me in a way; I hope you get the help you deserve in turn.
posted by neda at 5:15 PM on January 25, 2006
I've had (have) this problem, so I certainly can identify. Great advice already. In addition to what dagnyscott said, go to stores where the employees ask YOU if you need anything (like the Gap). Then say 'Yeah. Where are the sweaters?'. If you're up to it, you can extend the conversation by asking a few more questions. Trust me, I've worked in retail. It's boring. Most employees are happy to answer any questions that they aren't asked a thousand times a day, so think up something unique, like 'are these cut differently than last seasons?' or something like that.
posted by Kronoss at 7:54 PM on January 25, 2006
posted by Kronoss at 7:54 PM on January 25, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by JJ86 at 9:14 AM on January 25, 2006