Talking to people without being That Person
September 28, 2017 8:01 AM   Subscribe

If a stranger's walking down the street looking like they're in a hurry that's not the right time to strike up a conversation. If you and someone you know are in a long elevator ride and the other person is not wearing headphones or otherwise obviously distracted it's probably polite to at least say "hi." What about everything in between?

So, I'm painfully shy, and trying to work on it. I'm actually OK at conversations once one gets going, I think, but I never initiate them. It just feels like I'm imposing! Objectively I know that if everyone thought this way no one would ever meet new people ever, or deepen relationships, so there has to be some time where it's acceptable to strike up random conversation, but I just get stuck in this loop of oh, what if they're an introvert, what if they came here with friends and are uninterested in conversation with a random stranger, what if they're busy right now, what if i'm secretly a terrible conversationalist and just don't know it and should just not be imposing on anyone.

Before you suggest it, yes, I have been diagnosed with anxiety and am currently in counseling for it. Both of the counselors I've worked with have said that it's crucial to put yourself in situations that make you anxious. Which I'm prepared to do, but, again, I also don't want to be That Person.

So I'm wondering what thought process a non-anxious person has when deciding to strike up a conversation. In what situations do you typically do it? How do you decide which person to approach? I'm interested both in situations where you don't know anyone, and when you know a person vaguely but not well enough that you can be confident they want to talk to you (say, you've had one prior conversation with them).
posted by perplexion to Human Relations (19 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: You can't be confident that they want to talk to you before you actually speak to them, but you can watch for clues that they are bored/annoyed/preoccupied and back off. Most of this is conveyed through tone and body language, for example if they clip their words, give short answers, look away, or step back. If you're a man talking to women you need to learn to be especially conscious because many women won't be direct for fear of reprisal.

I find it useful to say something light and give them an out. This is why people make innocuous small talk about the weather, sports, the current situation ("wow, can't believe the train is delayed again!"). If you're a man, I wouldn't compliment a woman you've never met before on their appearance, but otherwise I think it's fine to compliment an accessory, e.g. their handbag, shoes.

It takes some practice to talk to people. To quell your anxiety, realize that slightly annoying people is not the worst thing in the world and is generally not a reflection on you. Perhaps they had a bad morning, they're distracted, etc. Just practice, and it will become easier as you see that the stakes are really very low.
posted by AFABulous at 8:12 AM on September 28, 2017 [5 favorites]


Best answer: So I'm wondering what thought process a non-anxious person has when deciding to strike up a conversation. In what situations do you typically do it? How do you decide which person to approach?

I guess I really didn't answer your question. I sometimes strike up conversations with strangers while waiting - in line for coffee, for a bus, for an elevator. I only do it if the person is not engaged in something else, and most likely if they're alone (rather than interrupting two people in a conversation). I tend not to talk to strange men unless they talk to me first, but that could be because of my upbringing as a woman. Many older people love to talk, and you may end up regretting starting the conversation.

When I know a person vaguely, I'll make sure I have something to talk about before I talk to them. Perhaps a reference to our last conversation, or something we have in common (e.g. work). The not-engaged-in-something-else rule applies here too.
posted by AFABulous at 8:19 AM on September 28, 2017 [4 favorites]


You will absolutely be 'that person' sometimes - and that's OK! You will also be the person who brightens someone's day with a friendly word, lifts someone up when they're feeling alone and forgotten, or makes someone smile when they didn't expect to. Try to dwell on that, instead.
posted by Ausamor at 8:22 AM on September 28, 2017 [10 favorites]


Best answer: I think the big thing is that it's not an either-or situation. At every step, from before you talk to someone to while you are talking to them, you can get cues about whether or not they want to talk to you. Like, if you make eye contact with them before talking and they smile, that's a good sign. If you are making small talk and they are looking around a lot, or giving you terse answers to questions, maybe they'd rather not talk.

But I think the most important thing to remember is that there are worse things in the world than talking to someone who'd rather not be talked to, especially if you know how to take a hint (and if you're socially anxious, I bet you are actually overly-attuned to cues, so you are probably safe there). I mean, if you're a man, don't harass women (or ignore signs they don't want to talk, or corner them so they can't get away). But other than that kind of boorish behavior, the most likely "bad" scenario is that you strike up a conversation, they'd rather not talk but they politely engage and are privately a bit annoyed, and then forget it later. It's really low-stakes.
posted by lunasol at 8:22 AM on September 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


Speaking from the perspective of someone who was very painfully shy for decades and has only recently, in my 40's, found my sea-legs in common social interactions, I'm inclined to push you to actually answer your "What if...?" questions. The answer is unlikely to be "other people are traumatized and I'm revealed to be a terrible person who shouldn't have ever been born." It might be, "I've revealed myself to be socially awkward and unsure of myself," but that won't kill you.

I think the advantage that less-anxious people have isn't a particular thought process; it's a lack of investment in any particular casual interaction. For them, and for me now too some of the time, it's not critical that everyone like and immediately embrace them. In the absence of such emotional investment, they're more able to observe others' body language and other cues, and react accordingly. If you REALLY NEED someone to react (or not react) in a particular way, it raises the stakes and dramatizes things that don't need to be invested with such drama, and makes you prone to confirmation bias where what is being "confirmed" is either an idealized fantasy or or a nightmare.
posted by jon1270 at 8:25 AM on September 28, 2017 [9 favorites]


Best answer: Shared moments of idle time are great opportunities to talk to people you don't know. Elevators, checkout lines at stores, crowded public transit, waiting area at restaurants, downtime at a crowded event, etc.

Probably most of these people don't want to have a capital c Conversation, but most people will exchange pleasantries with a stranger, or at least acknowledge you.

The way to do this is to float an observational test sentence. Some examples:
[gesture to candy rack] "Can you believe they're making pumpkin spice M&Ms now?"

"Ooh, your shoes are really cool, where did you get them?"

"I love [artist], did you catch their show in May?"

"Last time I was here I saw Scottie Pippen, have you spotted any VIPs yet?"
Let their response be your guide. Polite nod and smile? They don't want to talk to you. A response more than one or two words? Maybe! There's your opening.

As for what you do after that, that's up to you. (I tend to do flyby chats and not keep talking after the first exchange.) But I'm pretty good at making the opening conversational gesture and all of the above have worked for me.
posted by phunniemee at 8:26 AM on September 28, 2017 [9 favorites]


I'm interested both in situations where you don't know anyone, and when you know a person vaguely but not well enough that you can be confident they want to talk to you (say, you've had one prior conversation with them).

I am a cis male intent on avoiding male gaze/creepiness, so I tend to tread very lightly on approaching strange women for conversation. I will give a brief, friendly smile if we catch eyes, or perhaps a hi, but defer from that point on to them as to whether they want conversation or not.

For men, if there's an obvious common starting point (super hot/cold, elevator wait times are long) then I'll go first to point it out. It becomes clear in about 4 seconds whether or not the person actually wants to talk and that dictates the rest.

Keep in mind that, of the probably thousands of conversations I've had with strangers, I remember maybe a handful. Most are forgotten an hour later, which is to say, don't feel like if you're anxious or it doesn't go well that the person is going to care. Mostly stranger interactions are momentarily lovely and instantaneously forgettable.
posted by notorious medium at 8:28 AM on September 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


Best answer: As a fellow, anxious person, I started by branching out in two arenas: a known 'safe place/event' and volunteer work.

I have a certain annual convention event that I attend every year that effectively feels like home. I have known friends, known experiences, known safe places. Being steeped in that much familiarity makes it easier for me to reach out to new people, even if it's just to compliment their costume, or discuss upcoming programming. It pushes me outside of my boundaries while still having a way to fall back or re-center myself if I over do it.

Another thing that has really helped develop my small talk, is volunteering with Meals on Wheels, and other volunteer services. Because there is a shared action going on, I can meet people, make small talk as we work, but can also just focus on the work if I feel overwhelmed or unsure of how to navigate a conversation. Plus, the quick, 30-second burst of communication and small talk that is exchanged with the populace served benefits both of us: I get quick bursts of practice talk to new people and the clients get some social contact, sometimes it's the only social contact they can have all day or even all week.

Tl:dr - maybe try to find some service activities that will let you branch out to meet others, but give you a non-talking focus, so you can take things at your own pace.
posted by RhysPenbras at 8:30 AM on September 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


Ways to avoid being That Person:

Don't touch people without asking first;

Don't stand too close to people, especially if walls etc make it hard for them to take a step backwards;

Don't make remarks that they will have heard many times before
eg "What's the weather like up there?" to a tall person;
"Do you have a license for that thing?" or "Careful, you'll get a speeding ticket!" to a wheelchair user/mobility scooter user;
"Where are you from?" to someone who looks or sounds foreign.

Don't ask personal questions about someone's health issues if they are visibly disabled. It's private, and not small-talk-with-strangers material.

Take it gracefully if someone says "I can't talk, I have a headache" or "I'm too tired to talk."
posted by Murderbot at 9:14 AM on September 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


I think you could assume everyone is open to it and then go by how they respond. When I'm not in the mood to chat it up with a stranger, I make it very clear, by either just ignoring them (rude but effective), or giving them a curt one-word response and not smiling and not making eye contact, etc. Some people aren't going to want to talk to you and will make you feel like you're annoying them, and that's fine, because all you have to do then is back off and leave them alone. No harm done. Others will engage and want to chat, and then you can continue the conversation from there. I know that feeling of worrying you are imposing, but it's a fleeting thing and just part of life -- I wouldn't let it stop you.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:27 AM on September 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


Best answer: I don't think speaking to someone who's not in the mood to chat makes you "that person." What makes you "that person" is when they give multiple cues that they don't want to talk and you ignore those cues.

Cues that people are interested in talking include eye contact, smiling, looking interested, asking follow-up questions and giving detailed responses.

Cues that people are not interested in talking include looking away, not smiling, not making eye contact, giving brief responses.

These cue signals aren't 100% accurate - sometimes shyness, social awkwardness or distraction could make someone seem disinterested in talking, for example. In general if you approach someone and chat politely for a few minutes and then move on, you're not "that person." If their cues indicate that they aren't interested in talking I wouldn't overthink why, just politely say "nice to talk to you, I'm going to refresh my drink now" and move on.

With groups, notice if the people in the group have arranged themselves so that they are making a closed circle, or if they are arranged so that they are able to see each other but also see outside the group, and if they are looking outside the group from time to time. I'm cautious of approaching groups but if I know someone in the group and they aren't in a closed formation I'll wave or say hello and see if they stop to face me and initiate conversation or if they say hi and continue talking to someone else - if the latter, I'll just move on.

In general, if you smile and make eye contact at someone, and they also smile and make eye contact, it's okay to say "hello my name is" or "hey Sue I think we met at the farmer's market, right?" and take it from there.
posted by bunderful at 9:29 AM on September 28, 2017 [2 favorites]


Best answer: I am a cis male intent on avoiding male gaze/creepiness, so I tend to tread very lightly on approaching strange women for conversation.

This is a very good point. Be mindful of the context of whatever specific conversational space you are in, whether it's gender, power dynamics, timeframe (are you waiting in line and killing time? is the other person done with their transaction and waiting to leave?)

I often will make small talk with strangers now and I didn't used to. Getting to know more people led me to the surprising (for me) realization that a lot of people actually like making idle chitchat more than they like being alone with their thoughts, it helps pass time and lets them make a human connection. So I try to keep that in mind, the feeling "Oh man this person probably just wants to be left alone?" that is more likely a projection on my part.

A few things I do that seem good for this

- saying "Hey how are you?" when I go into a place instead of just "Hello" if people respond, we may exchange a few words, if they just say "Hi" that is more clearly not an invitation for talk.
- Learning what is a neutral observation ("This weather huh?") and what is not ("That TRUMP GUY amirite?") and keeping to those especially at first
- Having open body language, smiling and being friendly but not being too close
- Also being willing to wrap it up. Some people can be chatty and just talk until you physically walk away. For me part of this was getting good at "OK I'm heading to the post office, have a great day" and not staying there stricken when someone would start opening up to me about their latest surgeries. Not to cut them off but just, it's okay to have your own boundaries on the conversation as well.

The big thing is having a little check-in to make sure things are still going okay based on cues, as other people here have said, and just assume you're signing up for a minute or two of interaction and potential awkwardness if it goes weird, not a whole day of agony.
posted by jessamyn at 9:49 AM on September 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


If they are browsing their phone or have brought out something to read Leave Them Alone.
posted by brujita at 10:42 AM on September 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


Best answer: if you haven't already done this, a good intermediary step between invisibility and chattiness is making it clear that you welcome conversation from other people. by composing your limbs in some arrangement simulating the appearance of relaxation, looking at a likely person (in the face!! only look them in the face if you're giving them a look), and smiling, but not staring or looking too long.

this isn't just avoiding the issue by trying to encourage other people to start conversations for you. ideally, it improves your skill at recognizing the signs of friendliness and receptivity in others if you've practiced projecting them yourself -- something something mirror neurons something. get to know what it feels like physically to signal interest in someone, and it'll be a little easier to know it when you see it.

plus: every time I wait in line at the post office or a grocery store there is at least one person who very much wants to bond with strangers via issuing sighs and proclamations into the empty air and whirling around looking for agreement for someone who didn't avert their eyes quickly enough. this does appear to work, though I think the average person adopting this method makes about ten enemies for every complaint-soulmate they attract. even if you don't want to be this person, you can look for the This Person in your next long line and agree with them, they like that.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:54 AM on September 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


Something that may help your anxiety - even if you're awkward or annoying, the majority of strangers won't even remember you a week, a month, a year from now.
posted by AFABulous at 11:54 AM on September 28, 2017 [5 favorites]


I went through a phase where I was trying to just be more open to social experiences, and the lowest-stakes, dumb-easy intro mode to casual conversation that I found was: customer service people. I’m not saying talk your grocery cashier’s ear off while a line forms behind you, but instead of the 1-word answers to courtesy questions, I’d try to respond sincerely and ask a question or two. One thing that helps with this is being a creature of habit— use the same grocery store at the same time of day each week, and use one cashier. Go to the same coffee shop or the same lunch counter or whatever fits your life. This makes it a little easier to build up a relationship if you want, and it’s really low-stakes. Make eye contact, be aware of what’s going on and don’t monopolize, but part of working in customer service is dealing with customer chatter.
The next level for me was: bar banter! If you’re sitting at a bar alone, talk to your neighbor or the bartender. Again, this is really low stakes: no expectations of this conversation or relationship going anywhere, but most people alone at bars are receptive to a few minutes of conversation. And for me, a little bit of liquid courage smooths my anxiety.

Talking to people and reading their signals takes practice, just like anything else. As long as you’re focusing on good habits (situational awareness, the comfort of your conversational partner), these super low stakes skills are transferable to situations that are harder to read.
posted by worstname at 2:40 PM on September 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


I think part of a natural anxiety about that sort of thing is that talking to people for the sake of making conversation feels forced and inauthentic. So if that sort of chit-chat doesn't come naturally to you, it will come off that way to the person you are trying it with!

I am not shy but I am introverted as heck and my conversational style is inconsistent at best. Over time I have developed a few rules for myself:
1. Don't say anything for the sake of saying it. I only say things that are genuinely interesting to me and observable to the other person. So in line at the grocery store I might ask them if they can reach the divider thingy for me, or say "OMG you are going to love those mangoes they are so good." Basically having a goal of seeking or sharing info, rather than attempting conversation.
2. Don't expect anything in return. No conversation, no giggle at my lame joke, certainly no friendship. A pleasant exchange is just a pleasant exchange.
3. Be willing to look foolish. Everyone has experienced that exchange where the server checks on how you like your meal and you answer with "good, how's yours?" That Person isn't the guy who blurts out something goofy; That Person is the guy who gets angry and tries to backtrack on his mistake by blaming the server for interrupting his meal. Just own it and laugh it off. "Oh that was clever wasn't it!" with a smile.
Separate from the conversational stuff, I enjoy complimenting people. I started it years ago as an exercise in finding beauty everywhere, and it has stuck with me. It feels good to do it and it really makes people's day. It will feel awkward at first but the more you do it the more natural it becomes. Just avoid directly complimenting their appearance, and again, have no expectation about responses. Today I was going into the grocery store and this man was loading orchids and flower bunches into his car from his cart. No food, just all these flowers. When I walked past I said "That's the prettiest cart of groceries in this parking lot!" He laughed and told me the orchids were marked down and he was going to try his hand at not killing them. That was that. We both left full of smiles.
posted by headnsouth at 2:52 PM on September 28, 2017 [5 favorites]


To me, it comes down to a choice. Do I want to: A) stand in this elevator with this person for the next 30 seconds, saying nothing, and pretending that neither of us notices or B) say 'hi' when I get in the elevator and possibly have an inane conversation for those 30 seconds.

Neither option is good or bad or wrong or right. My choice depends on my mood and on my perception of the mood of the other person. (And yes, since I am a male, sometimes I don't talk at all if the other person is female just to avoid the appearance of being intimidating.)
posted by tacodave at 3:03 PM on September 28, 2017 [1 favorite]


but otherwise I think it's fine to compliment an accessory, e.g. their handbag, shoes.

I'd like to expand on this. The rule I learned is that it's far better to compliment something the other person has chosen instead of something inherent to their being. You don't know if they hate the color of their eyes or are sick of their skin, but their fingernail color or suit or whatever? Those are things they chose to display and a better target for compliments.
posted by komara at 6:40 PM on September 28, 2017 [3 favorites]


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