Teaching a 13-year-old he has agency

September 25, 2017 7:12 AM

Nihilism is part of puberty and can be a marker of being "cool." Still, cynicism without hope during this time in history is disconcerting for me. Are there concepts I can discuss with a kiddo who does have some challenges that he would understand and that don't make me seem like a Pollyanna and/or and things we could do or see that might help him, gently, feel agency in his own life?

This weekend my 13-year-old son made some pretty nihilistic comments. I recognize he is only 13 and kids will, and need to, express all sorts of views on the path to adulthood. Still, in this charged environment with white male disenfranchisement being part of the current zeitgeist, I want to make sure he knows I still believe humans are more good than bad and, importantly, have the power to positively impact their own lives. Right now, he clearly feels buffeted by fate and doesn't believe he can do things that would change (in his mind) the ultimate preordained outcome. There are valid reasons (health issues) he is feeling this way as he has been dealt a tough hand recently. I want to make sure I continue to acknowledge this but help him see he is in charge of how he feels and reacts to things that cannot be controlled. Are there concepts I can discuss with him and things we could do or see that might help him, gently, feel agency in his own life?

posted by youdontmakefriendswithsalad to Human Relations (12 answers total)

Two ideas come to mind, though neither of them may appeal to you/him.

First, one thing that I think can help with this is for him to develop a caring relationship with an entity outside himself. The timing is bad for starting a vegetable garden, but that's the kind of thing I have in mind. Maybe grow some herbs in a window for the winter. The key is for him to experience his caring actions leading to a positive outcome. Another thing along a similar line would be a pet. When I was a kid I had two domestic rats as pets -- they are very personable and curious, easy to take care of, and normally live for about 2 years. Rats may be cool.

Second, you could actually dig into the philosophy of nihilism and the responses to it with your son. Recently I read a really inspiring article about Viktor Frankl and his work on the finding of meaning in one's life. I also can't help pointing out that the concept of an ultimate preordained outcome is based on the Newtonian "clockwork universe" worldview -- and we've known for a century now that this worldview is NOT actually compatible with physics! A new paradigm hasn't properly taken hold yet, since we're still not really sure what the past century of physics is actually telling us about the nature of reality, but there are some fascinating ideas here that your son may get a huge kick out of. Possibly also cool. :)
posted by heatherlogan at 8:10 AM on September 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

Commit to volunteering with him for less fortunate people. Soup kitchens, homeless shelters are good opportunities.

Ideally it would be for something that he's cynical about, as cynicism is sometimes a cover for disappointed idealism. So, if he points out garbage in the streets as proof of how worthless everything is, you volunteer for litter cleanup days.
posted by jasper411 at 8:24 AM on September 25, 2017 [4 favorites]

I agree with volunteering for stuff. Even taking shelter dogs for walks can feel helpful.

Something else helpful is creating with your hands. Whittling, knitting, sewing, woodwork, small engine repair, model train set... Something with tangible outcomes from the effort can help a lot.

Are there things he likes that he can look forward to? When I was 16, I would make sure I had a concert to look forward to every month. Sports games can fall into that category, too.
posted by jillithd at 9:46 AM on September 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

Yep, volunteering. My four kids are age 9 - 18 and we just take them to volunteer at a community farm in town (and a few other things when the farm closes up for the winter). I talk a lot about the specific things that are improved by the work they do: "Someone has a meal that they wouldn't have had if you guys weren't there picking those veggies tonight," and "There's a kid whose mom made zucchini bread just like this loaf your mom made for you, and you made it possible," and "Some kid your age is going to be really happy to have the toy you just picked out for them."

Also, on vacation the last couple of years we took them work a two-hour shift at this place called Feed My Starving Children [Charity Navigator page here] where you pack bulk grains that are cooked on-site to feed the hungry. There's a presentation before and after your shift where they explain how many children just got fed thanks to your shift's effort, and I damn near cry every time. Even my too-cool-for-school teen kids & nephews/nieces are impressed by the results of their own work.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:54 AM on September 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

13 is a great age to start providing him with the spiritual nourishment of philosophy and theology (as appropriate). The Apology of Socrates, some collections of the Stoics, the Tao Te Ching ... Catholics use the Spiritual Exercises by St. Ignatius Loyola with boys that age, who get a great deal out of them. Not books ABOUT philosophy, but classic primary texts that ponder the good life, the right way to live, ethics, the meaning of life, etc. There are plenty that are accessible to a bright 13-year-old, and it's never too early for the consolations of philosophy, full of ideas that have been holding the line against nihilism and despair for 2500 years, they're quite sturdy and well-worn and suited to the task.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:47 AM on September 25, 2017 [11 favorites]

Two media suggestions come to mind. First, Heinlein's young adult novels such as The Rolling Stones, Tunnel in the Sky, and Red Planet typically relate uncontroversial didactic points about personal agency and self-reliance in an optimistic and entertaining way. Second, I'd guess 13 is still young enough to not be jaded about TED talks and that kind of thing, e.g. Lizzie Velasquez, Randy Pausch, or Cal Newport. That said, I'd worry about introducing him to anything in a context he might perceive as preachy or directed, because he might see that as sort of the opposite of having agency.
posted by Wobbuffet at 12:30 PM on September 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

I was probably a few years older than that when I read "Man's Search For Meaning" by Victor Frankl, but it made a big impression on me. tldr; is, you may not be able to control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude and reaction to it.
posted by thelonius at 12:46 PM on September 25, 2017

If he's not down for volunteering, maybe find a sneakier way to give him more responsibility. Like a little job for a few hours a week. Pitch it as a way to get some spending money - but the side effect is he learns better his part in the web of the world.

I'm not a sports person but maybe a team sport would do some of this?

I give this advice a lot, but boxing lessons at a real boxing gym are great. They were awesome for both me and my teen daughter: excellent workout is good for the brain chemistry. You feel tough as shit when you're doing it. And you also hang out with people from broadly diverse economic and racial backgrounds - which provides some perspective on the world.
posted by latkes at 1:49 PM on September 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

Plant a damn tree. Seriously. Find out how long the different varieties will live in your area, what your soil is like, then get a shovel and start digging.
posted by wenestvedt at 3:36 PM on September 25, 2017

A friend of mine got to plan their family vacations starting at a pretty young age (younger than that). Not everything but the destination and a bunch of pieces related to their time there, both the itinerary and the logistical side. I don't know if that's something that might work for you guys.
posted by salvia at 7:59 PM on September 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

Many 13 year olds don't have much agency, so it's natural to feel as though one doesn't.

The cure for this is to make them responsible for things that have real world effects and consequences based on his actions. It's really easy to see this in action with kids who grow up being activity involved in having to help their families economically, but that leads to it's own issues for kids. But you can do this on a smaller scale by having him do some of the grocery shopping and cook a few meals a week, do his own laundry, etc.

This might be kind of scary for you, because it could affect things in your household you might have had tight control over until now.
posted by yohko at 1:48 PM on September 26, 2017 [3 favorites]

Have you asked him if there are changes he wants to make to his life? If there's something specific bothering him, maybe some part of it is changeable.

Or if what's bothering him is bigger, like homelessness or police brutality, then figuring what you can do to lobby and volunteer for changes, like working with habitat for humanity or asking your city to add more police training addressing violence and racism. (My family has been volunteering to help I-940 get on the ballot in Washington state and it feels really good to be working towards something instead of just angry.)
posted by Margalo Epps at 12:39 PM on September 27, 2017 [1 favorite]